What to do about Magik Gotham style?
Author's note: This is a follow up on the evening at Themiscyra, back in chapter 5. And of course this has tie-ins to the story Arkham, where Illyana first arrived in the DC universe and Girls Night Out II. It was supposed to just be one chapter, but it grew massively in size so I suppose the next several chapters might be considered the Jacuzzi chronicles between Ivy, Harley, and Illyana as various things are discussed and recollected.
Part 8a: A rooftop in Gotham
More specifically the penthouse rooftop of Dr. Pamela Lillian Isley and Dr. Harleen Quinzel, more commonly known as Ivy and Harley Quinn. It was evening with a full moon, scattered clouds and a chance of rain. Illyana (she was there with the two) had pointed out that little detail but the other two were ignoring her prior observation about how long the nights were in Gotham and its proclivity for precipitation. The roof of the penthouse was a garden, no real surprise, with various trees, shrubs, and grasses scattered about enclosed by some high stone faced walls, quite the garden grotto. There were also a few small Koi ponds for aquatic plants.
And off to the side was a really nice Jacuzzi that could comfortable fit at least ten people.
What were the supposed heroines up to? If you were of the camp of Princess Diana of Themiscyra then they must be plotting nefarious deeds involving crime or even worse. The truth was less nefarious and rather more… relaxed. This was a kind of thank you party for Illyana for having invited them to Themiscyra, something that Ivy and Harley were going to make a point of mentioning to everybody from now on, much to the distress of Diana, and they had selfies as well, including poising with a very uncomfortable looking Wonder Woman. Later, the three were going to a midnight recital at the Iceberg featuring the Three Tenors, yet another Ozwald production triumph as ticket prices were astronomical, yet of course Illy somehow had a table for three reserved.
There some high end nibbles and some really good wines on a table by the Jacuzzi. Ivy was currently in the bubbling waters, dressed in a red one piece bathing suit, while Harley was lying in a lounge, face up, working on her moon tan (yes Harley insists that you can tan with the moon, but it makes you paler), she was dressed in a black and white skimpy bikini with only the bottoms on. Illyana had just exited the bubbling waters, dressed in a white skimpy bikini, and was pouring a refill of her wine (red) for her and Ivy.
"Hey, grab me a refill as well Illy!" Shouted Harley.
"Okay." Was her reply as she reached for a third glass.
"What's Kitty off doing?" Harley made a stab at Marvel based dialog, Illyana was relaxed and might let some details slip.
"Kate… she's called Kate now."
"Okay… what's Katie up to?" Harley stealthily crept off the lounge and began to sneak up on Illyana's turned back.
"Just Kate, she's off rescuing people dressed as a pirate."
"Sounds very cosplay." Commented Ivy from the bubbling waters as she observed the stealthy Harley with a suppressed grin.
"Kind of… she always did have a thing for being a pirate back when she…" Was the start of Illyana's reply.
That's when Harley struck. "Avast ye booty!" As she gave Illyana's ass a squeeze eliciting a small shriek of surprise from Illyana as the wine went everywhere but in the glass she's been filling, including all over her front. With a quick spin she turned to confront a grinning Harley.
A grinning topless Harley, who of course had an offer on dealing with the spilled wine that actually made Illyana blush.
Later…
The three were relaxing in the Jacuzzi when Harley got a sudden idea in her head.
"Be nice to go to Middle Earth."
"No." Was Illyana's drowsing reply, ahhh the Jacuzzi was so nice.
"Please…"
"Double no."
"Pretty please with whipped cream?"
"Triple no. I am so not messing up that timeline."
"But I want to drop the ring!"
"Exactly." Hmm, the offer of whipped cream did sound nice but… no. Rules were rules.
"Phoo…" Was Harleys slightly annoyed reply. Then a very abrupt change of topics as insight struck Harley with a jarring shriek of...
"BOOTS!"
Sending Illyana's new drink into the air yet again.
Ivy looked at Harley in some confusion before her eyebrows rose in understanding as she gave a small nod.
Illyana suddenly looked guilty about something as she gave an evasive reply. "What are you yelling about now?"
"Your boots! They're exactly the same as Batmans!"
What was true because any careful examination of Illyana's boots (as worn in the comic) would show that they look exactly the same as Batman's boots, or any of the other boot wearing batclan. Tough, black leather and the same kind of grippy tread. Now Illyana had been wearing said boots ever since she'd switched to her skimpy black leather getup, but her Phoenix costume had also possessed the same boots.
"Ummm… so?"
"That can't be a coincidence!" Enthused Harley.
"No comment." Was Illyana's reply as she decided to ignore the statement. But Harley looked smug, like she'd figured out one of the mysteries of the universe. And perhaps she had as how on earth did the boots look exactly alike, apart from boot size as Bruce is a big fellow whereas Illyana's foot was far more petite.
The sudden silence prompted Harley to inquire. "So, why do you like the Batman if you're not secretly lusting after him?" Inquired Harley, as both she and Ivy gave a dreamy kind of Batman sigh… ah… Batman…
Illyana adjusted her Jacuzzi spot with eyes closed, replied. "Violence…"
Then more as she shifted her position to align the jets just right to massage that spot on her back… ahhh. "He enjoys inflicting pain upon evil doers. Loves the hunt as were. The darkness is strong and yet…"
A few blinks between Ivy and Harley about Illyana's statement as she continued.
"He never crosses the line. Never gives in to doing what should be plain, obvious, just… kill the fuckers. And make it hurt as it happens."
Yeah, definite blinks.
"The demon that is, the darkness is controlled, used, but never truly released. Never given reign, regardless of the justifications. I… respect that. Something to keep in mind."
Perception is reality one might say. What Illyana perceives is not necessary the reality of Batman, but… Hmmm, was Harley's internal thought, I think there is more then a little self projection going on. Perhaps something to pursue later.
Harley changed the topic back to Lord of the Rights. "Anyway my version of Lord of the Rings is much better."
And thus Harley of Quinn laid out her version of Tolkien.
BEGIN Harls Of The Ring
The story begins in Hobbiten in the most comfy of Hobbit holes that is the home of Frodo Baggins (played by Harley Quinn in her classic Daddy's little monster outfit from the film suicide squad). The Hobbit hool looks just like the movie, but for the mounted head of the Joker on the wall, there is an apple in his surprised looking face and a dagger thrust through the top of his head. Two hyenas (Bud and Lou) are off in the corner gnawing on some bones.
Gandalf was there, but being played by Batman in his full bat armor, apart from a huge floppy grey wizard hat, a long fake grey beard that is an obvious prop, and a wizard staff that had little bat symbols } carved in it. He is currently explaining the One Ring and how Harley will need to take the Ring to Rivendell in the Bat gravely voice.
"But why me Batalf?" Had been Frodo's (Harley's) plaintive cry at the unfairness of it all. Why… she had just refinanced Baggs End, gotten that gym membership she had always been promising herself, had a bittchen job as a Batista, and there was this big dinner party she was planning for next week.
"All who live in such time wish they did not." Had been the words of Batalf, then. "Man up Quinn, I don't remember you as being such a whiny little bitc…"
"Language!"Had been Harley's interruption of the Bat as he had been about to speak the bad B word, only exceeded by the C word. "Okay, I'll do it, but I'll do it my way!"
Batalf made ready to deport. "I must take my leave as I must consult with the head of my order." With that a smoke bomb went off allowing the Bat to make his stealthy exit, which looked much less stealthy to passerby's as the Bat exited via the big round front door in full daylight leaving a coughing Frodo behind.
"Good day Batalf, making a secret getaway again?" Had been the, shall we say, slightly sarcastic comment from Lala Sackville-Baggins as she took a photo; hich earned her a silent Bat stare from Batalf as he leapt into the Batalf mobile and speed off. Batalf's tendency to make such sudden exits was why he was no longer invited to the better dinner parties.
Meanwhile… Ivy and Illyana are looking in through the living room window at the before mentioned scene. Both are in bathing suits from the Jacuzzi, Ivy is drinking a mimosa with a straw whereas Illyana is blinking in some confusion as she states.
"Not… true to the books then."
"Na… Harls has her own, very unique, take on this, and so many other things."
"Batman is Gandalf?"
"Yeah…
"I suppose you're going to be Sam?"
"No, Harls has me racially stereo typed as a certain leafy character."
"Oh… that kind of makes sense."
The two are then distracted by Harley opening up a secret garage door and wheeling out a Harley Davison motorcycle that had a side car on each side.
"Common on boys, I mean Merry and Pippen!" Cries out Harley.
The hyenas each jump into a side car as Harley put on a helmet embossed with the phrase Crazy Clown Pussy in flames and drives off with a roar, leaving the confused Illyana behind.
"Um… what happened to Sam? And the other two hobbits are hyenas?"
A shrug from Ivy as keeping the story straight when Harley was involved was sometimes just too much effort as Harley blasts off into the distance, after first bowling over some Nazgul on horses, where we see a top hat and umbrella go flying, along with an outraged squawk from a certain somebody. "Wak!"
Just then a chubby hobbit comes running by Ivy and Illyana.
"Wait for me Mr. Frodo!"
Alas, it was not to be for poor Sam.
Scene shift:
The inn of the Prancing Pony, located in the town of Bree (east of the shire), where Frodo-Harley has made a bit of a fool over herself and has accidently put on the ring and promptly causing a spectacle as vanishing in the middle of singing and dancing on a table does get one noticed. But now Frodo-Harley was noticed, as the crowd closed in. Merry and Pippen (the two hyenas) were snarling in an attempt to force the crowd back.
Illyana and Ivy were observing the growing fricassee while having some mild hot wings at the bar (turns out Ivy is a wuss on spicy hot wings, which is rather odd when one thinks upon just what Ivy is).
That's when a big brawny man smashed into the crowd and started a massive fight, which Harley and the hyenas joined in on. One flying body hit the bar and smashed the plate of wings, which distressed both Illyana and Ivy, both smashed their beer glasses on his head (the wings had been quite good and their loss was mourned).
Then the brawler turns to Frodo-Harley and… It's Arnold Schwarzenegger, dressed as the terminator, dark glasses, leather vest, and everything else you remember about the film.
He holds out his right hand. "Come with me if you want to live."
Harley gets a big eyed look (just like Japanese animation). Then a squeal of a "Hell Yeah!" as she takes his hand.
Illyana is not impressed. "Really… Arnold is Aragorn?"
A shrug from Ivy as she started digging behind the bar in search of a fresh drink. "Harls is creative, but not always original."
A whirling sound can be heard, and it was getting louder, prompting Illyana to inquire. "What's that?"
Victory as Ivy somehow finds another perfectly poured mimosa. "I think it's the corpse of Tolkien turning over in his grave. Or maybe an air strike from Nazgul, sometimes when she tells this the Nazgul are in A-10 planes."
Explosions as…
Scene shift:
The secret meeting of the council of Elrond, in Rivendell on October 25, 3018, 11:13am of the Third Age. A meeting to determine the fate of the One Ring.
Boromir (played by the original actor Sean Bean) was speaking about the suggestion from Batolf of destroying the ring. "One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep." And then, making a circle with his hand, he says. "The great eye is ever watchful."
"Ohhh, like Amazon and Alexa." Whispered Harley to Illyana, who was sitting next to her.
Ivy was likewise next to Illyana, poising as tree as she did have a twig in her left hand, and the mimosa in her right, still dressed in the red bathing suit. Illyana glanced around at the ongoing debate and then at herself.
"Why am I dressed as an elf?" Was her inquiry. And she was, a woodland elf to be precise, dressed in dark brownish green, with a bow and arrows on her back.
Ivy replied after a sip. "I think you've been caste as Legolas."
"What?"
"Yep, definitely Legolas."
Illyana felt her now pointed ears. "It's because I'm blonde, right?"
"Got it in one." Smirked Ivy.
"Damn it, I suck with a bow. And how did we jump here so fast?"
A shrug from Ivy. "There may be a few flashbacks but I think Harls always thought that the journey Rivendell was the slow part of the story, and she does bore easily."
"And Tom Bombadil?"
START FLASHBACK 1
We see Harley in the house of Tom Bombadil, along with his wife Goldberry. The two hyenas are asleep by the fire. All three look… um… look disheveled and kind of….
"Now that is some mighty fine pipe weed Tom." Slurs Harley as she takes some white power from a little pouch in her belt. "But take a hit of this."
Some white lines are arranged as all three…
END FLASHBACK 1
Illyana's eyes are big. "Wow…"
Ivy took another sip of her drink. "Yeah… rather adult take. Rather surprised Snoop Dog was not playing Tom Bombadil."
"Um… and the rest of the journey to Rivendell?"
START FLASHBACK 2
Harley, on her motorcycle, is being pursued by the Nazgul, who are on horseback, and the Nazgul with the top hat and umbrella looks must unhappy at being on horse back as he bounces back and forth, by this point his saddle sores had saddle sores.
That was when Harley triggers the motorcycle's black smoke screen generator and oil spray, resulting the some horses slipping, whereas other collide in the sudden darkness. The Nazgul with the top hat goes flying off his horse as it collides with a tree, as he gives a resounding…
"Wak!"
And Harley, who now somehow has a rocket launcher on her shoulder, fires off a round into the black cloud, triggering a massive explosion that backlights her as she drives off.
END FLASHBACK 2
"I think certain liberties were taken with the narrative." Was Ivy's reply as she took another sip of her drink.
"And Saruman?" Asked Elrond of Batalf.
Batolf hung his head in regret. "Saruman as turned upon us. He had become… two faced."
START FLASHBACK 3
Batalf is walking in the gardens of Isengard, with Saruman on his left, showing a fair and kind face. Saruman is speaking.
"Smoke rises from the mountain of Doom. The hour grows late and Batalf the Black rides to Isengard seeking my counsel. For that is why you have come, is it not… my old friend?
A Bat grumble of a reply. "Yes, we must gather our forces while we still have time. There is time enough to counter Sauron if we act quickly."
A shake of the head from Saruman. "Sauron has regained much of his former strength. He cannot yet take physical form, but his spirit has lost none of its potency. Concealed within his fortress, the Lord of Mordor sees all, his gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth and flesh. You know of what I speak, Gandalf. A great Eye… lidless… wreathed in flame. No my friend, I fear that the time of resistance has passed. Against the power of Mordor there can be no victory. We must join with him, Batalf. We must join with Sauron. It would be wise, my friend. We will resist from within, shape that which is to come. Only by being within the councils of Sauron might we shape the future for the better."
Batalf stopped in shock at the statements of Saruman, which prompted Saruman to fully face Batalf, showing the now scared and deformed left side of his face. Batalf takes a combat stance. "Tell me, "friend", when did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?"
And thus the fight began as batarangs were flung, as well as magics. A fight that Batalf lost. After long fight Batalf was spread eagled upon the ground as Saruman raised his staff high. "I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly. But you… have elected… the way of… pain!"
And struck with the staff, knocking out Batalf.
END FLASHBACK 3
Batalf finished the story. "In the end I escaped using a giant eagle."
Harley whispered to Illyana. "Now that's an Uber I'd love to take."
Additional discussion followed, in the end it was Aragon, now being played by Samuel Jackson, announcing at the top of his voice. "Let's go drop this mother fucking ring in the mother fucking volcano, and I hope they burn in HELL!"
A statement that did have Illyana rolling her eyes as Ivy commented. "Harls loves Samuel Jackson emoting about stuff. She has this film idea where he's playing George Washington and invades England."
Harley stood. "I will take the ring, but I do not know the way."
Batalf had an answer to that, with the classic bat grumble. "I have a map from AAA."
Elrond nodded his head. "Good but more will be needed to escort the ring bearer."
Illyana gave a sigh… "I with my bow."
The Dwarf Gimli, stood up. "And me with my Ax." Gimli was being played by… (everything froze as Illyana whispered to Harley). Harley gave a nod of her head as everything unfroze while Gimli transformed into…
Nightwing! At normal height, but he did have a goatee for a dwarfish beard.
Nightwing smirked. "Another fantasy Harley?" As Nightwing gave a series of stretches that showed off just how tight his costume was.
Oh Yeah… was the general female agreement (meaning Illyana, Ivy, and Harley). Ivy said it best.
"Now that's a butt I can get behind."
Meaning that Nightwing did have the best butt in the DC universe (which is canon per Cat Tails, why… there is even a web site devoted to the mightily Nightwing backside).
A smirk from Illyana. "Well, we do have to walk to Mordor, so many miles…"
"So much cheek." Sighed Harley. Now Harley was not a fan of long hikes (i.e. let's go walking for five hundred or more miles) but things were looking up, although one could point out that they were in fact looking down.
Boromir gave a shrug. "If this is the decision then let it not be said that Gondor refused to do what others risked."
And of course the two hyenas choose that time to run in, thus completing the company.
"Wait!" Was Elrond's sudden statement as he took out his Iphone. "Time for a group photo."
A quick snap, and thus, the Fellowship Of The Ring was born.