What to do about Magik Gotham style?
Author's note: So one reviewer felt that this was interesting and weird, a statement that I agree with. Harley just ends up saying and doing things that I had no idea she'd do. And a few words of this chapter are taken from LOTR but with some modifications.
Part 9a: A rooftop in Gotham
Harley's tale was interrupted as phone could be heard ringing, but muffled, like it was… underwater?
Which it was as Illyana pulled her right hand out from under the bubbly waters while a dripping old flip style cell phone faded into view. Illyana did not even bother to determine who was calling before flipping the phone open and answering.
"Yes?"
Muffled voice saying something that you can't make out.
"And you are?"
Muffled voice saying something slightly louder that you can't make out.
"No, I don't just recognize the voice of everybody who calls, especially when I almost never interact with them."
Muffled voice saying something even louder that you can't make out, but the tone sounds offended.
"No I don't consider beating you half to death in Limbo as a significant interaction, and that was mostly my brother anyway."
Muffled voice saying something you can't make out.
"All right already, no need to get so worked up. I'll check..."
A flash of light and Illyana was GONE! What was a major bummer as this meant the night was now a total…
And with another flash Illyana returned, two feet above the Jacuzzi and minus the cell phone. She splashed in, and stated, upon surfacing. "Sorry, spider dude was really insistent that I ask Logan about a missing robot blah blah blah."
"Your cell phone is water proof?" Asked Harley, winching at the spray of water from the splash.
"Kind of."
"Kind of?"
"That's mostly a side effect, you could drop it in the sun and it would still work."
"Oh…" Was Harley's reply as yes, being water proof would be kind of a side effect at that point.
Ivy clued in on the more significant artifact. "And it works across dimensions?"
"Yeah, real pain in the ass when spammers get a hold of the number, but I have ways of dealing with such."
"So…" Began Harley in an attempt to solicit info about the Marvel Universe. "Sounds like you're in charge of things."
Which resulted in a very confusing answer from Illyana as she shook her head. "Good intentions…
"Hu?"
Illyana clarified. "Road to hell is paved with good intentions. I try to avoid being in charge as I don't pretend that I understand what's the best for other people. I rule a hell dimension, best to follow orders in regards to the Quiet Council and not try to make policy. I stick being a war captain and leave the politics to others."
Part 9b: Harley's tale resumes
And so the Fellowship Of The Ring made their way across middle earth, with Harley, Illyana, and Ivy walking behind the strutting Nighthawk (I mean Gimli) so they could admire the view.
They camped each night in the uncivilized wilds.
With Illyana rolling her eyes as she stated. "Motel 6?"
"Yeah!" Gushed Harley. "Nobody will be looking for us here!"
Grumbling from Illyana. "Of course not, we're… in New Jersey, right? Can't imagine why Sauron isn't searching here."
Here being the very rundown Motel 6, right next to a highway exchange, a stripper motorcycle bar that served surprisingly good but greasy food, and a flaring refinery to add that extra hellscape ambiance.
Scene shift:
Moria…
The company had entered the black pit when they found their way over the Misty Mountains blocked. Blocked by Saruman they suspected. Thus, being pursued, they had turned in desperation to Kazad-dum.
But now…
The Balrog reached the bridge. Batalf stood in the middle of the span, leaning on the staff in his left hand, but in his other hand Glamdring gleamed, cold and white. His enemy halted again, facing him, and the shadow about it reached out like two vast wings. It raised the whip, and the thongs whined and cracked. Fire came from its nostrils. But Batalf stood firm.
"You cannot pass," he said. The orcs stood still, and a dead silence fell. "I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. You cannot pass. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udûn. Go back to the Shadow! You cannot pass."
The Balrog made no answer. The fire in it seemed to die, but the darkness grew. It stepped forward slowly onto the bridge, and suddenly it drew itself up to a great height, and its wings were spread from wall to wall; but still Gandalf could be seen, glimmering in the gloom; he seemed small, and altogether alone: grey hat and bent, like a wizened tree before the onset of a storm.
From out of the shadow a red sword leaped flaming.
Glamdring glittered white in answer.
A ringing clash and a stab of white fire. The Balrog fell back and its sword flew up in molten fragments. The wizard swayed on the bridge, stepped back a pace, and then again stood still.
"You cannot pass!" he cried.
With a bound the Balrog leaped full upon the bridge. Its whip whirled and hissed.
"He cannot stand alone!'" cried Aragorn (now being played by Barack Hussein Obama who did look rather out of place having a tie while wearing armor and wielding a sword) as he ran back along the bridge. "Elendil!" he shouted. "I am with you, Batalf!"
"Gondor!" cried Boromir and leaped after him.
"Gotham!" Added Harleyas she fires a rocket launcher that bounces off a few things before detonating right under the feet of the Balrog. A blinding sheet of white flame sprang up. The bridge cracked. Right at the Balrog's feet it broke, and the stone upon which it stood crashed into the gulf, while the rest remained, poised, quivering like a tongue of rock thrust out into emptiness.
With a terrible cry the Balrog fell forward, and its shadow plunged down and vanished. But even as it fell it swung its whip, and the thongs lashed and curled about the wizard's knees, dragging him to the brink. He staggered and fell, grasped vainly at the stone, and slid into the abyss. "Fly, you fools!" was his bat grumble, and was gone.
And Harley, her hand outstretched, screaming "BATS!" As Boromir and Aragon dragged her away while Illyana fired arrow after arrow, all of which missed.
Scene shift:
Lothlorian, where the company flees after the fall of Batalf in Moria. There they rest and are healed in the timeless unearthly setting.
Soft light under the trees and the greenery we see Illyana (Legolas) and Harley (Frodo) sitting under the moonlight. Next to them Ivy is reading a book and enjoying yet another mimosa. Harley is looking over a spa menu and trying to talk Illyana into having a Colonic; where warm water, sometimes up to sixteen gallons infused with other substances, such as herbs or coffee or Perrier if you're Harley and you want that inner bubbly feeling. The contents of the lower gut are flushed through the… um… colon. This is done using a tube that's inserted via your… um… the tube is pushed all the way to the end of your… um… let's leave out any additional details as to the procedure and what the procedure produces.
Legolas was enthused about the idea as Illyana agreed with an emphatic… "No."
Harley was annoyed at this story digression as she repeated that Legolas was eager and enthused, just like all the other Fellowship members.
"I said no."
"You have to, it's in the story!"
"No it's not, and I don't have to. I'm not pushing anything up my hinny, much less things that are measured in gallons."
"The other's are!"
Off in the distance Boromir could be seen struggling to emerge from a doorway of a structure that is built between two large trees. To clarify a naked Boromir could be seen struggling to emerge as various hands can been seen grasping at him as he cries.
"Trickery and Treachery! They plan a watery assault upon our backsides!
"Stop being a baby!"Shouts back Harley. "You're jinxing the mood! Trust me I'm a doctor and this will be good for you!"
Boromir is pulled from sight but his cries can still be heard. "NO! No means No! Spread not my cheeks!"
A shrug from Harley. "Of course it's way more unconformable if you struggle, but really it's painless and fun!"
One could infer that Boromir was not in agreement. "AGHHHHHHHHH! This is why nobody trusts an elf!"
A shake of the head from Illyana. "No means no, and believe me when I say there will be hell to pay if somebody tries to make me."
"Nighthawks doing it."
"This story's Nighthawk is doing it, but I do ask. What would the real Nighthawk do?
"Party pooper." Groused Harley.
"AGHHHHHHHHH! It's as if the waters of the Sirith erupt from my bowls! Filled with the silt of the spring runoff and the stench of Mordor itself!"
"Better then being a tsunami pooper." Was Illyana's smirk of a reply as perhaps more then sixteen gallons were being used.
Harley was still grumpy. "Bet he eats too much red meat."
Scene shift:
The horn of Gondor sounds! Sounds with a mightily bellow as Boromir blew with all his breath. Blew as he called for help in defending Merry and Pippen as the Uraki attacked. Blew upon the horn, crafted before the line of the Kings of Gondor was broken. The lore of the horn was that if blow, aid would come and come it did.
Aragon, Gimli, and Legolas were off in the woods awaiting the decision of Frodo as to what direction the Fellowship should take. Should they proceed to Mordor, or divert to Gondor? If Mordor then a parting of ways was at hand. An hour had given for Frodo to think and decide his path.
But now the horn blew! As our heroes jumped to their feet, perhaps a bit unsteadily, interrupting the game of Go-Fish they had been engaged in, where they had been drinking deeply of the mimosas mixed by Ivy.
"Crap, I'm tweaked." Grumbled Illyana as she attempted to thread an arrow in her bow.
Gimli was loaded for bear as he cocked his AR-15, equipped with a high capacity dual drum magazine.
"Um…" Began Illyana. "I thought Baties had a gun rule."
Nighthawk had a devil may care gin. "Do you see Batolf around?"
"Good point." Finished Illyana. The Bat hated guns but… when the Bat's away, the batlings will play.
And thus Aragon stood, now being played by Dwayne Johnson, known as The Rock! His oiled torso bare as he lifted high his sword and cried. "Boromir! Follow me my brothers!"
A brief whispered statement to Illyana from Ivy as to the physique of Aragon. "Rowlll."
A whisper back to Ivy. "Double Rowlll."
With that the three, well really four, charged in the direction of the horn, although Ivy distinctly sauntered as she really was not supposed to be there. Many an Uraki was encountered and slain. Some from sprays of bullets, some chopped down by sword, and some, just a few, by arrows as…
"Missed again!" Raged Illyana at Ivy. "I hate bows! I suck with a bow!"
For her arrows had bounced off of trees, helmets, were dodged, one actually nicked the earlobe of Gimli. Such was her awfulness with a bow.
"I mean look!" She took a random shot that was aimed at no target and… almost as if by chance but was likely a plot device, the arrow struck true in a very surprised Uraki.
"What…?" Illyana again tried to miss and another Uraki went down.
"I am not doing this!" Was her complaint as she instead unstrung the bow and used it as a striking weapon to much getter effect.
And so they found Boromir, strewn with arrows, dying upon the ground. He was cradled by the sobbing Rock.
"It is just." Mumbled Boromir. "I failed, I tried to take the ring. They… they took the little ones."
The Rock spoke as he wept. "You fought bravely. You kept your honor."
Boromir's head droops. "Leave it. It is over. The world of men shall fall, all will come to darkness…"
And thus passed Boromir. And thus returned Harley who had been taking a potty break this entire time.
"Did I miss anything… Oh…"
Illyana was rather exasperated at yet another story derivation. "Aren't you supposed to be on your way to Mordor, with our absent Sam, where you encounter Gollum?"
"What! And abandon my babies!? We've got to go rescue them!"
And thus the great pursuit began as Ivy suggested, as she nibbled her lower lip.
"Um… let's keep this Aragon for awhile."
A quick vote amongst the three woman and it was decided that The Rock got to stick around for a while.
Scene shift:
We see Gollum sitting by himself, looking very dejected. "See Precious, nobody loves us."
Scene shift:
After the long chase across the grassy plains of Rohan, aided by some convenient scooters, the company came to the burn remains of the Uraki and Orks.
"NOOOO!" Cried out Harley after kicking a helmet and dropping to her knees. "NO! My Babies!"
"Um… isn't that supposed to be my scene?" Whispered The Rock to the others while giving a smoldering look.
"Harley likes to be the center of most things." Replied Ivy. "Why don't you just stand there and flex for mama while we wait."
And thus did The Rock Flex and give forth smoldering glances.
And thus did the ladies swoon. "Is it hot in here or is it me?"
As Nightwing first fumed, and then joined in on the flex off (in not but his bat Speedos).
Doubly did the ladies swoon. "Mama needs a test drive!"
And thus was Harley roused from her grief as she did spake.
"Oh… now that's an image. Why can't we get this in Gotham? Just imagine if the Bat was dressed in only a bat Speedo and that belt of his. Mmmmm, I'd love to get arrested, but can't say I'd come along quietly."
Ivy just had to say it. "You're never quiet Harls, coming or otherwise. And on that note I'm off to my pigment assigned role." As Ivy walked off into the woods.
Scene shift:
"Batolf! It's you!" Cried out Harley as Batolf had returned! But instead of the black costume he was dressed all in white.
"Yeah, yeah…" Was the bat grumble. "Now get me some black spray paint, how the blazes am I supposed to sneak about dressed all in white…"
Meanwhile Illyana was leaning against a tree as she conversed with Nightwing, who… um… was back to wearing his usual costume and not in the Speedo anymore.
"So… you've been associated with Harley for years, is she always like this?"
Nightwing was busy flipping one of his fighting sticks into the air and then catching it using different, and difficult, styles. "Na, she's kind of toned it down in the last year or two. I attribute it to the calming influence of Ivy."
"Ivy's calming?"
Nightwing pointed with the fighting stick at Harley. "Everybody is calming compared to Harley except Scarecrow."
"Quick to Edoras!" Cried Batolf, his garb now black, incidentally there were three black spray cans scattered about the ground and somehow Harley had managed write some graffiti on a rock Frodo was here.
Scene shift:
The walls of Helm's Deep as the might of Isengard attacks.
"Um… this is a big story transition." Comments Illyana (Legolas incase you've somehow forgotten) to Nightwing (Gimli and now armed with a huge battleaxe) as she fires from her bow into the mass of attackers and… misses.
"Harley tends to hit fast forward over the slow stuff." Groused Nightwing, who had once held captive in the Joker lair with only Harley and been forced by her to watch various films and TV series with her. That had been a night of cinematographic hell and Nightwing was still triggered whenever somebody grabbed the TV remote and hit the fast forward button.
"I'd bet she's already getting bored and wants to jump ahead to the big ending."
With that comment, and a great deal of fighting, Batolf arrived with the missing troops of Rohan and drove the forces of Isengard into the forest that had marched up with nobody noticing as Ivy (now playing Tree Beard in that she had a leafy mustache) shouted various environmentalist slogans.
Scene shift:
Saruman is shocked at his defeat as Isengard is overcome by the Ents. "Inconceivable!"
Wormtongue was already getting tired of his new roommate and landlord. "I don't think you know the meaning of that word."
Scene shift:
The Battle of Minas Tirith where the Lord of the Nazgul is shown to be… Catwoman!
Catwoman, riding a black motorcycle while equipped with her trademark whip as she battles Batolf at the gates of Minas Tirith.
But in the end, Batolf turns Catwoman from the path of evil (not that it prevents her from later swiping Gondor's crown jewels) and the city was saved as the forces of Rohan attacked with Harley riding with the Rohan king.
Scene shift:
"So now on to Mount Doom?" Asked Illyana (Legolas) as she takes a sip of wine while leaning on her bow. "And wow. Nightwing you were right about her skipping ahead."
"Yeah, but not like the books, instead picture this…" Began Harley (Frodo).
"The troops of Gondar start out for the black gate, with the whole company there, except for Batolf and Lord of the Nazgul (Catwoman) as I suppose their still making the beast with two backs."
Illyana spits out her wine, choking in laughter, as Harley continues. "But horses are slow, and marching is lame'o so imagine this." And as Harley explains the theme song of the climatic battle of Middle Earth begins to play.
Ah, breaker one-nine, this here's the Rubber Duck
You gotta copy on me, Pig Pen, c'mon?
Ah, yeah, 10-4, Pig Pen, fer shure, fer shure
By golly, it's clean clear to Flag Town, c'mon
Yeah, that's a big 10-4 there, Pig Pen
Yeah, we definitely got the front door, good buddy
Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy
…
It's Convoy by C. W. McCall, a personal favorite of Harleys.
"Imagine this huge convoy of eighteen wheelers leaves Minas Trith, all kinds of trucks. Silvery, fright haulers, tankers, vans, you name it and it's there. And of course they look kind of medieval with spike and stuff to keep it real. Armor, and lots of flames, kind like Mad Max meets Middle Earth. I'm in the lead truck, holding onto the front grill and holding my big mallet while Aragon (Now being played by Viggo Mortenson who was the actual actor from the films, The Rock had another engagement to attend and had left after the battle) is driving. You and Ivy (supposedly Treebeard but just Ivy with leafy mustache) are in the first truck on the right."
The scene shifts and now the wonder that Harley is describing is made so. Ivy is driving the second truck, named the Mean Green Machine, while Illyana (still Legolas) is in the passenger seat still choking on her wine.
…
Was the dark of the moon on the sixth of June
In a Kenworth pullin' logs
Cab-over Pete with a reefer on
And a Jimmy haulin' hogs
We is headin' for bear on I-one-oh
'Bout a mile outta Shaky Town
I says, "Pig Pen, this here's the Rubber Duck
"And I'm about to put the hammer down"
…
Harley continues with the horror. "Aragon's trucker name is Rubber duck by the way. So we make it up by the black gates in a couple of minutes, with lots dramatic clouds and lightning, but with nice sunlight beams illuminating selected trucks and characters."
…
'Cause we got a little ol' convoy
Rockin' through the night
Yeah, we got a little ol' convoy
Ain't she a beautiful sight?
Come on and join our convoy
Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way
We gonna roll this truckin' convoy
'Cross Middle Earth'
Convoy!
…
"Now as we get close to the gates we see that their closed and a massive horde of Orcs and stuff is there to block us. That's when Aragon gets on the horn."
..
(Ah, breaker, Pig Pen, this here's the Duck)
And, you wanna back off them hogs?
Yeah, 10-4, 'bout five mile or so.
Ten, roger. Them hogs is gettin' in-tense up here
…
"Now everybody is uncertain because I mean, there must be a zillion of the fellas! Plus the remaining flying Nazgul. Now Batolf and Selina (Lord of the Nazgul) are with us, but their in the back of the truck in the crew cabin and the trailer be a racking so don't go a knocking if you know what I mean."
Illyana (Legolas) finally recovers from choking on her wine and gives Ivy (supposedly Treebeard but just Ivy with leafy mustache) a look, who simply shrugs a shrug that communicates just go with it as she pulls on the truck's horn cable.
…
By the time we got into Tulsa Town
We had eighty-five trucks in all
But they's a roadblock up on the cloverleaf
And them bears was wall-to-wall
Yeah, them smokies is thick as bugs on a bumper
They even had a bear in the air!
I says, "Callin' all trucks, this here's the Duck
"We about to go a-huntin' bear"
…
"But everybody gets that steely look in there eye and it's peddle to the metal!"
…
'Cause we got a great big convoy
Rockin' through the night
Yeah, we got a great big convoy
Ain't she a beautiful sight?
Come on and join our convoy
Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way
We gonna roll this truckin' convoy
'Cross Middle Earth
Convoy! (Ah, you wanna give me a 10-9 on that, Pig Pen?)
Convoy! (Negatory, Pig Pen, you're still too close)
Yeah, them hogs is startin' to close up my sinuses
Mercy sakes, you better back off another ten
Well, we rolled up Interstate 44
Like a rocket sled on rails
We tore up all of our swindle sheets
And left 'em settin' on the scales
By the time we hit that Chi-town
Them bears was a-gettin' smart
They'd brought up some reinforcements
From the Illinois National Guard
There's armored cars, and tanks, and Jeeps
And rigs of ev'ry size
Yeah, them chicken coops was full'a bears
And choppers filled the skies
Well, we shot the line and we went for broke
With a thousand screamin' trucks
An' eleven long-haired Friends a' Jesus
In a chartreuse micra-bus
…
Illyana (Legolas) does a double take, why yes there is a Jesus Loves You mini bus in the ongoing Gandorian trucker convey.
…
Ah, Rubber Duck to Sodbuster, come over
Yeah, 10-4, Sodbuster?
Listen, you wanna put that micra-bus in behind that suicide jockey?
Yeah, he's haulin' dynamite, and he needs all the help he can get
..
"So we smash thought the lines of orcs and whatnot, bodies go everywhere! Total carnage! I'm standing on the hood of the truck with my mallet and just slamming foes left and right! That's when we burst through the cannon fodder and before us are the closed gates to Mordor!"
We see Illyana (Legolas) trying to shoot the bow out the window, but again the arrows just go zinging off and hit nothing, then the bow string snaps, leaving her with a disgusted look as Ivy (supposedly Treebeard but just Ivy with leafy mustache) laughs.
…
Well, we laid a strip for the Jersey shore
Prepared to cross the line
I could see the bridge was lined with bears
But I didn't have a dog-goned dime
…
"Aragony gets on the horn and lays down the law!"
Illyana (Legolas) turns to Ivy (supposedly Treebeard but just Ivy with leafy mustache) and inquires. "Um… who's playing Aragon now?"
Another shrug from Ivy (supposedly Treebeard but just Ivy with leafy mustache). "No idea at this point, I think we're back to Viggo Mortensen again."
"Who's handle is rubber duck?"
"Yep."
"That's… just wrong."
…
I says, "Pig Pen, this here's the Rubber Duck
"We just ain't a-gonna pay no toll!"
…
"So we'ze crash through and drive right up Mount Doom!"
…
So we crashed the gate doing ninety-eight
I says "Let them truckers roll, 10-4"
'Cause we got a mighty convoy
Rockin' through the night
Yeah, we got a mighty convoy
Ain't she a beautiful sight?
Come on and join our convoy
Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way
We gonna roll this truckin' convoy
'Cross Middle Earth
…
"Where we jump the eighteen wheeler over the caldaria filled with bubbling lava. That's when Sauron (who is being played by Waller from the Suicide films and comic books) is there in black armor but no helm so everybody can see Sauron has been Waller all this time. She tries to stop me but I go for the dunk, while kneeing her in the face and slam the Ring home, right the lava! The truck comes down the other side of the volcano as Waller's face melts off like the Nazi in Raiders of the lost ark. The truck screeches to a stop as Mount Doom blows a gasket in the background. And with that the credits roll."
The truck with Illyana (Legolas) and Ivy (supposedly Treebeard but just Ivy with leafy mustache) lands as well. Ivy leaps from the moving truck, leaving a frantic Illyana (Legolas) gasping for the steering wheel as Ivy (supposedly Treebeard but just Ivy with leafy mustache) and Harley (Frodo) kiss.
END Harls Of The Ring
"TADA! Whatcha think?"
Illyana is… let's go with impressed, that sounds much better then… "The visuals sound incredible."
Harley grins, but then has a frown. "For some funny reason the Tolkien estate won't return my emails or phone calls any more."
Illyana just shook her head at the concept as she settled down deeper in the Jacuzzi and let the heat and the jets work their magic. Harley, of course, was not finished.
"I got a concept for Star Wars as well. Imagine…"
BEGIN HARLEY STAR WARS TAKE
We see Yoda, but not the Yoda as we know him. Still green, but now dressed in but a loin cloth to show his rippling muscles, yes Yada now has eight pack abs. Plus long black hair and a two headed battle axe over his shoulder. Yoda takes the battle axe from his shoulder and states.
"By Crom, fuck you up I will."
It's … Yoda the Barbarian!
END HARLEY STAR WARS TAKE
Ivy sounded both amused and apologetic. "Harls has a whole set of alternate screenplay ideas."
"How about's dis one!"Continues Harley with a disturbing level of enthusiasm.
BEGIN STAR TREK
We see the bridge of the starship Booty Prize, Captain Harley T. Quinn sitting in the command chair dressed as a star fleet officer, but with her ponytails and her mallet by the chair. Various DC heroes and villains are crewing the various stations as the Star Trek theme music plays while the voice over from Harley announces…
"Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Booty Prize. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before!" Da da, da da da…
Then everything freezes as Harley looks right at you, breaking the forth wall.
"Um… was that a doo-doo joke? Are we really finding new worlds just to drop a duce on them?"
END STAR TREK