"I'm sorry, WHAT?!"
Myrtle Edmonds couldn't believe what she was hearing. The glasses-wearing red-headed, had-a-rather-big-nosed young girl folded her arms over her chest, looking at her friends. Yuki, Theresa and Elena all looked at one another, then spoke up again as her Asian American friend Yuki, who had black hair that went down to her chin, spoke up again.
"My b-brother said the house next door…the one that's got nobody in it…it's abandoned cuz…cuz it's haunted."
"...seriously?"
"No, really, I heard the same thing too!" Theresa, her African American friend who had VERY poofy hair nodded her head enthusiastically as Elena, who had blonde hair and she'd tied it into little pigtails on either side of her head, widened her eyes.
"Yeah, it's haunted! You go in there and you'll see. At least four kids have seen the ghost!"
"There's no such thing as ghosts." Myrtle Edmonds proudly insisted, arms folded over her chest, her proud chin stuck up.
"Don't say that!" All of the girls yelled out at once. Myrtle gave them a dumbfounded look, one eyebrow raised up.
"Don't say what?"
"Don't say "there's no such thing as ghosts"!" Yuki insisted.
"There's no such thing as ghosts."
"No no no!" Theresa shook her head rapidly as Yuki and Elena covered their mouths with their hands. "My sister told me if you say "there's no such thing as ghosts" the ghost will come by your house and they're gonna be all spooky and go "ooooh I'm gonna scare you", so don't say "there's no such thing as ghosts"!"
"There's NO SUCH THING AS GHOSTS!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGHHHH!" They girls all shrieked and took off, barreling at top speed down the neighborhood and towards their homes as Myrtle rolled her eyes. Ugh. All of them had been spending too much time with Lilo and her strange "ohana" of experiments. Myrtle might have been willing to believe in aliens since they'd literally threatened her life a few times but…ghosts? REALLY? GHOSTS?!
But that night…Myrtle heard something as she laid, tossing and turning in her bed, having very odd dreams. She dreamed that a horse was riding on top of a normal jockey, and it sipped from a glass of wine as it stood in front of a beautiful, sunrise-like portal that glistened in the dawn. "Follow me to find the secret of being." Myrtle had been staring at this chestnut-colored beauty when she awoke to hear…whispering?
"Ooooooooh! I'm gonna scaaaaaaare yooooou!"
Myrtle looked around, rising up from her bed. Her dolls laid on shelves nearby, her big collection of fancy Barbie Dolls standing by Barbie's Dream House in the corner. Other than that…the room was totally empty, she couldn't see anyone-
"Ooooooooh! I'm gonna scaaaaaaare yooooou!"
She rubbed her eyes. Wait, was…was something at the foot of her bed? She rugged the grogginess out of her eyes, reached over to the bed stand, put her glasses on and…
"Oooooooooooh!"
There. THERE at the foot of her bed…was this titsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-beany little ghost! Just a super tiny lil' ghost. It wasn't any bigger than her thumb.
"Ooooooooh! I'm gonna scaaaaaaare yooooou!"
"...what…are you." Myrtle said, her mouth agape as she looked at this ghost.
"I…am an eeny weeny beaaaaany ghoooost! And I'm gonna scaaaaaare yoooooou!"
"I…don't think so." Myrtle remarked as she pinched the space between her eyes and deeply groaned. Seriously? THIS was what she got? Her first encounter with the supernatural and…it was a little ghost no bigger than her thumb. She could have FLICKED it away if it wasn't transparent.
"Ooooh! Here I cooooome! I'm getting closer!" It sang out as it hovered through the air. Cuz it could, you know…do that. Cuz it was an eeny weeny beanie ghost.
"I can see that."
"Oooooooh! I'm almost at you!"
"I can see that."
"Ooooooooh-"
"Can you just GET OVER HERE?!" Myrtle demanded angrily as the ghost FINALLY alighted right upon her ear. BOINK.
"Here I am! Are you scared yet?"
"Not really."
"Woooooooooo! Oooooonce upon a tiiiime! There was a naughty little girl! Who said she didn't BELIEVE in ghooosts, woooooooo!"
"Can't you do any better than this?"
"Ooooooooooh! And one niiiiight! She was visited! By an eeny weeny beany ghost! Who roooooose up, up, up into the air! Because it could do that! Oooooooooh-"
"Can't you do ANY better than this?! This is just STUPID!" Myrtle protested as she rolled her eyes.
"It roooooose up in the air! And it staaaaarted to say…"
BAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
It was as if her eardrums were erupted into by a volcano. A shockwave of horrific heat and yet, somehow, icy cold, shot through Myrtle Edmond's head as a horrifying, terror-wrenching, banshee-like screeching wailing SHRIEK embedded itself in her very spine in a single word. And Myrtle SCREAMED. She screamed and screamed and screamed and flopped right out of her bed, falling on the floor. Panting and heaving, she clutched and clawed at her now-soaked-in-sweat clothing, her chest rising and falling. Her glasses were askew, but when she adjusted them…the ghost was gone.
"Huh…huh…huh…" Myrtle panted, struggling to catch her breath. "Oh that was scary, oh that was…geez…oh geez…hoo…hoo…ugh, I'm SOAKED…" She muttered, her face pale, shuddering and shivering not from the cold or the wetness of her soaked clothing, but from terror. She looked slowly around the room…
Nothing. She was alone again. She took in a deep, long sigh of relief when…
"Ooooooooooooooooh! IIIIIII…toooooold…yooooooooooouuuuu…"
…
…
…
… "Um…who are you?"
Stitch, aka Experiment 626, a blue-fur-having, big-nosed, koala-esque alien stared dumbly at the floating, transparent apparition before him. His big black eyes blinked as he dumbly looked at the ghost before his eyes…which was, unmistakably a-
"I am the ghost of TOM TURKEY!" The turkey proclaimed in a distinct, gobbly voice. It was a gigantic, huge ghost at that, it was larger than Stitch's head. "Here to dish out some much-needed after-thanksgiving justice!" It told Stitch. "It's time I turn the dining room tables! The paper booties are on the other feet!" it hissed out as Stitch realized he was paralyzed from the neck down! He couldn't move! Somehow this ghost had used dark, otherworldly magic to pin him down to his bed.
If only he could alert Lilo. The black and long-haired Hawaiian girl, who'd turned 11 just a few months back, was now slumbering across from him. "L-Lilo? Lilo?!" He called out. But she was fast asleep, dreaming of following a horse into a strange portal in the name of seeking out the secret of being!
"Now…" The ghost of Tom Turkey grinned, as it gestured at something that manifested before Stitch's eyes, on the bed. "Without further ado, I'm gonna pick up this nice, heavy carving knife and I'm going to carve YOU up and serve you without YOUR giblets!" He proclaimed as his wings reached the knife and…
"...OOF! OOF! ERRGGGHHH! Come on! RRRRRGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" It struggled desperately to lift that knife, sweat beads dribbling down his head, his tail feathers shaking, a nasty, dark glowering look on his face.
"...Stitch DID eat all your muscles." Stitch confessed somewhat shamefacedly to Tom Turkey as the turkey ghost grunted.
"...you clearly choose your worst nightmares well." It muttered. "Damn it. Fine. FINE. I'll think up SOMETHING." It grumbled. "Just you wait. I'll be back for CHRISTMAS. Let's see how you like it when I get my pal KRAMPUS to come 'round!" It grumbled as it floated off through the window.
…
…
…
… "...I'm gonna kill that kid."
Mr. Jameson groaned as he pinched the space between his eyes. The well-built and strapping and handsome man looked down at the gift given to him. You see…his son had faced off against him in a basketball game and at long last, after years of losing to his dad…BA-BAM. He'd done a dunk right over his dad, his crotch practically slamming into Mr. Jameson's face. The footage was so embarrassingly hilarious…
It had instantly gone viral. The footage spread all over town and now Mr. Jameson had gotten a little gift from his son at his hotel chain as his fellow workers crowded around him. Lilo's "aunt", the one-eyed, cycloptic, yellow-skinned alien Pleakley peered over his shoulder along with the white-haired, mohawk-having, green and whitish/yellowish-furred alien 621, aka Chopsuey, who also did work around the hotel as a handyman. He got EXCELLENT tips working for the Jameson family, so it was his favorite place to work.
Especially…when he got to see Mr. Jameson's expression as he looked at the delivered gift.
"To my dad. Enjoy this gift bag, cuz I know how much you love…nuts…" Mr. Jameson read out from the gift tag before everyone in his office howled with laughter.
"Well, there go your man cards." Chopsuey guffawed as he flopped on the ground, laughing hysterically as Pleakley wiped his eye.
"Oh, dear, dear. I'm afraid that IS a hilarious little joke. It's so lowbrow and yet…so classy at the same time. Your son's got taste." He remarked.
"Oh, he wants to have fun, huh?" Mr. Jameson rubbed his chin. "I've got an idea. If he wants to play…I can play." He got out his smartphone and began to make a call. Sure enough, his son picked up.
"Hey Dad. Got my gift? I'll have to make this quick, I'm in art class."
"Yes, son. Very cute gift. But a few of my workers here are allergic to nuts, you could have really hurt somebody with your prank."
Keoni laughed. Making a mocking imitation of his dad, "A lot of people are allergic to peanuts, you coulda really hurt someone!"
THE NEXT DAY…
"Wendy Northcut Pleakley. Charming woman. Loving aunt. Killed by nuts."
"...I feel SICK…" Keoni murmured, dressed in a black tuxedo along with his dad as they sat up front at the funeral as his dad patted his back.
"You know, that's the last thing Pleakley said before they passed." He remarked as he walked up to the open coffin. Pleakley was lying in it…but not actually dead.
"You sure this'll work?" He whispered out. "And…it's not going too far?"
"Nonsense. This'll be good for Keoni. He needs a little humbling." Mr. Jameson insisted. "That was some GREAT acting you did for me in the office by the way, I've never seen anyone pull off such an amazing shade of white!"
"I'm flattered! And I'm also really flattered how many people came to my funeral." Pleakley confessed. "There's a CHARMING young man by the punch bowl who's tending to Jumba."
"...oh damn it. I forgot to tell your family it wasn't real." Mr. Jameson realized, a four-eyed, tubby alien mad scientist sobbing on a chair, covering his eyes with a thick arm, his Russian-accented voice ringing loudly through the air.
"WHHHHYYYY!? Damn you, God! Why are always taking good ones?!"
Mr. Jameson gently ushered Keoni towards the exit, past the casket, juuuuust as Pleakley whispered out-
"You killed meeeee."
Keoni spun around, eyes bugging out. But Pleakley laid "Dead" in the coffin, and he didn't see Mr. Jameson smirking wildly.
The next day, Pleakley kept at it. Mr. Jameson went to see his son in his room. "Look, son, even though your thoughtless joke killed Pleakley, he's no doubt in a better place." He remarked. "He'd probably WANT to go this way." He added as he patted Keoni on the head. "So get some sleep." He added as he opened the door…and a dressed-in-black, looking-decayed Pleakley waved from behind Mr. Jameson.
"Sweet dreeeaaaaams!" He said as Keoni shrieked, the door closing as Mr. Jameson suppressed mad laughter.
"How long are we going to do this?"
"Okay, the next…we're going to catch all of this on video." Mr. Jameson said with a grin. "I've set up hidden cameras by the stairs." Mr. Keoni went into his room, then came out with a remote. "It's all set. You sure you can stick to the ceiling?"
"Yeah! I'm really sticky, like a gecko. And just as adorable!" Pleakley confessed.
"I don't know about THAT but…let's get you in place juuuust over the stairs, alright?" Mr. Keoni insisted. "I'll get his pants-wetting fear on video and he'll be humiliated. Just like I was." He remarked.
"You SURE this is harmless?" Pleakley insisted again.
"Hey, being slightly miserable builds character." Mr. Jameson remarked. "My dad used to say that all the time."
"Didn't he also say being beaned over and over again by baseballs and footballs built character?" Pleakley asked, scratching his head.
"Yep! That builds character too!"
"...builds lumps." Pleakley dryly intoned.
So, the next day, Mr. Jameson woke his son up. "Now, listen, I'm thinking we need to spend more time together as a family. How about we play some Playstation together?" He suggested to Keoni as he led his son towards the stairs.
"Sure…fine…" Keoni murmured. "I kept having dreams about Pleakley-"
"I'm sure a good game will get your mind off them." Mr. Jameson said, passing riiiiight under the top of the stairs as Pleakley, now dressed up as a full ghost of spiritual decay, with fake scars, and pale makeup and the like, grinned down at Keoni, laughing evilly, making him look up in shock as Pleakley said-
"How about "GhOsTs oF tSuShImA"?" Pleakley proclaimed in his spookiest voice yet.
"AAAAAAAH!" Keoni shrieked, and tripped, falling down the stairs. THRUMP THRUMP THRUMPH! Down he went, as Mr. Jameson guffawed and laughed, walking down the steps as Pleakley got off the ceiling.
"What the…?" Keoni looked up from the floor, moaning a bit, just as the door opened, Lilo Pelekai coming in.
"Hey, I heard a bunch of yelling and some crashes, is everything okay?"
"My son fell down the stairs. I caught it all on tape. It's a practical joke." Mr. Jameson said as Pleakley sheepishly waved from behind him. "I made him think he killed your aunt. Now I've got his freakout all on tape! Come on, let's go watch it on the big screen in the living room."
"OW!" Keoni clutched his leg. "I can't move my leg!"
Lilo knelt down by it, looking it over. "Does it hurt when I do-" She tried to very gently make his leg curl.
"OW! OW OW OW! GEEZ!" Keoni whined out as Lilo cringed.
"I think his leg might be broken." She remarked as Mr. Jameson's face suddenly went VERY pale indeed.
"...oh…I…oh no."
HALF AN HOUR LATER…
"Is compound fracture of leg." Jumba explained. He stood in front of a series of x-ray pictures in his laboratory, the alien scientist giving Mr. Jameson a nasty look as Pleakley and Lilo stood by Keoni, who's leg was now in a cast. "Here…here…and here." The scientist pointed at three spots on Keoni's right leg. "Very bad breakage."
"Gee, thanks, Dad." Keoni grumbled. "I can't reach any of the shelves of the kitchen anymore thanks to you…" He muttered as Lilo helped him out of the room. "Lilo, can you take me to the basketball court? For old time's sake? I wanna say goodbye to my equipment then hold a funeral for all my balls."
"Yeah, I get that. I had to hold a funeral for my Ed Wood doll when Stitch ate it cuz he was high on coconut cake." Lilo confessed as Pleakley joined her, Jumba handing Mr. Jameson a small little piece of paper.
"My bill. Am taking "Blue Cross", "Medicare", "Kaiser"..." He remarked as Mr. Jameson groaned. "...also, Amazon gift cards. Am also having exceptionally generous payment plans, cash or credit…"
Hours later, Mr. Jameson nervously approached the basketball court in the back of his home. He'd been trying to find a way to somehow apologize to his son, trying to work up the courage, and at long last, he'd mustered up the strength to do it. His son was, at the moment, sitting on a bench, with some very noticeable grave markers behind said bench that read things like "Here Lies My Favorite Harlem Globetrotters Ball" and "Here Lies My Favorite Football".
"I decided to bury ALL my sports equipment. Won't be needing it anymore." Keoni grunted in a dead-sounding voice, his eyes looking hollow.
"Son, I…I wanted to apologize. I'm really sorry"
"ARE you, dad? My growth platelets are going to fuse wrong. I'll never walk normally again. But you're probably happy that I can't dunk on you anymore."
"No. No, son, I love you!" Mr. Jameson insisted as he helped his son off the bench, holding up the gift he'd brought to try and smooth things over. "I even brought you this. The basketball I kept in my office…the one signed by Michael Jordan before he even got big." He told his son. "I knew I had an eye for talent, and…I mean…I've always seen that in you…" He added gently as his son slowly took the basketball, looking it over.
"But you just seemed so eager to keep me down just because I beat you." He mumbled.
"I admit, I…I was stupid. I should have been more accepting of you."
"Yeah…you should have. Because you've got to learn to accept that I'm just really good at DOING THIS!"
And with that, SHA-THWOOOOSH! He shot up through the air, and as he did so, his crotch slammed into his dad's face, knocking him onto the court! Keoni sailed like an airplane through the air before KWAAAAAAAAANG! The sound of him gripping the rim filled the air as his basketball went through the ring!
"Ha haaaa! Who's up for a special delivery of NUTS?" Lilo called out, emerging from the nearby bushes…with her smartphone recording everything, Pleakley standing by with a big grin on THEIR face too, Jumba nearby as he munched on a bowl of popcorn.
"What the…how…?" Mr. Jameson moaned, rubbing his head in confusion as Pleakley chuckled.
"I told Keoni all about your plan the first day you proposed it to me." he confessed. "Keoni came up with the idea to run with all of it. We were worried he'd actually hurt himself falling down the stairs, but luckily, Lilo's got a great collection of Youtube How-To videos, we found a good one on "how to fake falling down the stairs". Plus, she's REALLY gotten good with first aid, if he DID hurt himself, we would fix him up."
"Still charging you for x-ray." Jumba laughed.
"Okay…okay. You got me." Mr. Jameson chuckled as he rose up, dusting himself off. "I admit, my ghost plan totally backfired."
"Yeah, you shouldn't be surprised, Dad. I've never believed in ghosts." Keoni remarked…
As everyone else nervously looked at one another. "...what?" He inquired, looking from face to face before everyone else BOLTED at top speed, as fast as they could, away from Keoni, who stared in confusion around the court. "...what? What'd I say?"
As Pleakley raced off with Lilo, Jumba having gotten into his car and taken off, Lilo bit her lip and then turned to Pleakley.
"Um…Pleakley, just one thing."
"Yeah?"
"...how come your feet aren't touching the ground?"
He looked down. Oh. Wow. Sure enough…his feet weren't touching the ground. He blinked, feeling over his chest, cringing.
"...oh wow. I guess I really WAS allergic to that stuff!" He confessed. "No wonder my acting was so good. And here I thought I just hated the taste because there were cashews in there…"
"Ohhh dear. Nani's gonna kill me. Could ANYONE be in any worse trouble than I am?" She muttered.
…
…
…
… "Uhhh…and…and who might you be?" Keoni inquired of the thing hovering at the foot of his bed.
"Oooooooooooohhhh! I'mmmm an eeny weeny beeeeaaaany ghoooost! And I'm gonna scaaaaare yooooou!"