The Choice
By EmyJB
*Disclaimer: all rights reserved to Law and Order CI *
"You have to do better than that Bobby". Her words stayed with him long after she'd demanded his answer on abortion; long after they'd caught their shooter. And now as they sat across from each other filling out the last of the paperwork. Why did she care what he thought?
Her opinion was clear. Not in her words, but her actions and attitude spoke volumes and he couldn't help but wonder…where did that come from? He was hesitant to ask. Positions on abortion were personal and often laced with emotion and he didn't know if he could handle that. But his inquisitive mind wouldn't let it rest.
He sighed, and it got her attention. She eyed him warily and he decided he had to find out.
"Why-why did you care? About what I thought on abortion? I mean…", he trailed off and waved his hand in the air like that was going to finish his sentence for him.
She closed her eyes and shook her head slightly. The case had taken its toll. She had lost her temper, showed her emotional attachment to the issue. She chastised herself for it. As a female detective, it was imperative that she not seem overly emotional, to "keep up with the boys". She hated when she got like this but some things just couldn't be helped.
He was waiting expectantly for an answer, eyes fixated on her face. She sighed. This wasn't going to be easy, but if she knew if she didn't get this out, didn't talk about it, it would never rest.
"I was 16", she began. "And my sister was 18. We snuck out of our parents' house and went to a party. Her friend's parents were gone for the weekend and they decided to live it up. I immediately regretted being there. Everyone was wasted. Seniors in high school trying to feel me up. My sister got lost in the crowd. I went outside on the terrace and had a cigarette and stayed put. An hour goes by, my sister comes out. Her blouse is all torn up, her hair's a mess, she's been crying. She tells me we have to leave. Some boy is right behind her going "aww don't be like that baby". We get home, she takes a shower, barely talks to me for a week. Cut to a month later, she comes to my bedroom door with a stick in her hand. Two little lines. And she is freaking out. She tells me her life is over and she just wants to kill herself. I'm 16, I'm in way over my head, and I tell our parents. Mom cries, Dad goes ballistic, wants to kill the guy. My sister says she wants an abortion and my parents say no way. But she's 18. My mom tells her you're out of the house if you do this. My dad tells her it's a sin against God. But my sister wants it done. So I go with her to the city. And the clinic entrance is full of people telling my sister that she's a sinner and a whore and going to hell. She grabs me so I don't punch one of them who gets in her face and tells her she's gonna burn. The inside is full of scared women. We fill out the paperwork, get back there. The doctor won't let me stay the whole time. I wait outside and I can hear her crying the entire way through. He comes out and tells me to come back in. Tells both of us that the trauma was severe. The abortion was difficult. He tried the best he could. But it's unlikely she'll ever have kids. My sister is dead silent. We go home, I explain the whole thing to my parents and they don't kick her out of the house. It's a family meeting and we decide no one else has to know. My sister can go on living her life like nothing happened. No one puts her in counseling or in touch with the church or lets her see her friends. I'm the only one she talks to til college. The trauma she went through- no one should have to endure that. She felt like it was her only option. Or raise a child of rape? At 18? No. She couldn't. And now she might never have a chance at a kid. How is that fair?"
She stopped speaking and closed her eyes again. That was the story. The whole long thing. And what was he going to say to that?
He had been watching her, and listening carefully. And he noticed.
"How did YOU get through it?" he asked. "What do you mean?" "I mean, that was traumatic for you too…what did you do?". "I joined the Police Academy so no scumbag could ever get away with hurting someone like that again. And to protect the rights of people like my sister." He stared at her for a minute, until it was making her uncomfortable.
"So you ran away too", he said simply. She sighed. "Yes, I guess I did. But cases like this…well we all have our triggers." He nodded. He knew that all too well.
They sat for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. He broke the silence. "I'm glad you told me, Eames. I-I know it's not easy. But family secrets…they eat you up." She nodded. There was no judgment in his voice, no pity. She was sure he had his secrets too. She felt a twinge of guilt for revealing something so intimate about her family, and a bit of shame for being so vulnerable, but that was in her own mind. It wasn't coming from him.
"Thank you, Bobby, for listening", she said. He waved his hand. "You're my partner. It helps to know these things so if it happens again, I can be more…more aware." She nodded. "You just can't…" "Tell anyone? Of course not. What happens in here…" he indicated the space between them "stays in here. Always". He emphasized the last word, and she believed him. "Ok", she sighed. She sat up straight and swallowed hard. "Ok", she said again. He could tell the conversation was over. He straightened up too and grinned at her. "Remember how you wanted a margarita?" he asked. "Oh yes", she said. "The faster we finish up here…" 'I'll get the coffee!" He laughed at her enthusiasm as she grabbed their cups and beelined it towards the coffee machine. He shook his head and looked down at his paperwork. He looked forward to that margarita too.