HAYMITCH
I walked through the halls of 13 without deciding to go to my room. Even though I felt exhausted, I didn't want to sleep, I had this fear in my chest that something bad could happen to Leila in my absence; Johanna had promised to let me know if something happened, but that wasn't enough for me. Without realizing it I arrived at Leila's room, I kept staring at her door without deciding to go in. At last I went in, I felt guilty for being here without her consent but for some reason I felt close to her.
There was not a single wrinkle on her bed. On the bedside table I recognized that last book I gave Leila. A book about Greek mythology, I sat on her bed and picked up the book. It caught my attention that there was a folded page, maybe Leila had left her reading there. I looked back a few pages, I saw the name of the story 'the myth of Medusa'. I began to read it, wondering why this book had captured her attention so much.
I only had to read a few pages to understand it. A damsel who worshipped the Goddess Athena, is raped by another god in her temple. As punishment for this dishonor the goddess decides to punish the girl by turning her into a monster, capable of turning into stone anyone who dared to look at her, from then on she would be equally feared and coveted by mortals. It is only until the 'heroic' Perseus cuts off the head of this 'monster' that she finds peace and the world is a safer place.
Bullshit was this story. It hurt me that Leila thought that about herself, those nights when I saw her reading this book with an uneasy look, she was just seeing what this stupid author wanted to show, not what she really was, she wasn't a monster, just a victim. She never deserved to be alone and isolated from the world. I didn't know if what I was going to do was a good idea or not but I didn't want her to be alone again.
I went to her closet and took her few belongings trying to be as careful as possible not to unfold anything, I knew she wouldn't like that. But my big, clumsy hands dropped a garment. A small white bottle rolled out of them. With a bad feeling I bent down to pick it up. As soon as I saw the name of the medication I recognized it. They were pills used to artificially release large amounts of dopamine and endorphin. Frequently used, albeit 'illegally', at big parties by people in the capitol and easily supplied to victors who 'needed' them. These pills were dangerously addictive and the capitol knew it, so they used them on the population as a means of control in some powerful districts. An example of this were the victors of district six, who started with those pills and ended up addicted to other more powerful drugs like morphiling.
I looked inside the bottle and still had plenty of pills, but I couldn't be sure how long Leila had been taking them. With this painful discovery, I finished taking all her things and went to my room.
I put her things in the same place she used to keep her belongings, I was careful to keep everything organized as I remembered her doing. I took the book back and went straight to the library to return it. I would have preferred to burn it but it wouldn't do any good.
When I returned to the room I tried to rest but it was impossible. When I managed to fall asleep, horrible nightmares woke me up. I was haunted by the faces of all the children I had let down and were now dead because of me, my family, Chaff...His district had been bombed again just a day ago. With how much love and pain he used to tell me about his district, the living conditions and the people who lived there. He was the one who dreamed the most of getting out of that arena alive, he wanted to be part of the rebels, to fight with his people...if he were alive now, he would be devastated.
I gave up trying to get more sleep. I wanted to go back to Leila, soon she would wake up and I didn't want her to be alone. Before I left the room, I took the bottle of pills again, this was something I reluctantly had to tell her doctor. As soon as I got to Leila's room, I saw Johanna waiting for me at the door.
Without any preamble she said "she has woken up" I tried to enter but she blocked my entrance.
"get out of my way" I said between my teeth
"Wait, Haymitch" she let out a tired sigh " She woke up but she's not there" I stared at her blankly "She's not answering" I noticed Johanna was trying hard to be careful with her words
"straight up, spit it out"
"It's like talking to a soon as she woke up I tried to talk to her but she wasn't moving, I called a nurse to let you know but she ignored me, she just came, checked her out realized the obvious and went to call the shrink" I was silent processing what I had just heard "I would have gone to look for you but I didn't want to leave her alone in case the doctor showed up" I nodded understanding.
Finally Johanna let me in. I walked over to her bed and saw Leila with her eyes open and staring into nothingness.
"Leila" I called softly to her "it's Haymitch, remember?" nothing. Her expressionless face continued to stare at a distant point. "Leila, everything is going to be okay. No one is mad at you" I tried again but wasn't getting even a slight reaction.
I approached Johanna, she was looking at me with a worried face. "Maybe she just needs time," she encouraged me.
"we'll have to wait for the psychiatrist's opinion" I took the pills out of my pocket and showed them to her "I found these in her room" Johanna recognized them right away.
"I guess she didn't just steal for me but also for herself," she said in a sad voice. I didn't understand what she meant by that. I looked at her intrigued "it doesn't matter anymore" she shrugged.
"If you want you can leave, Johanna. I'll stay with her"
"no, I want to know what the shrink says."
Finally Dr. Aurelius came. After spending some time examining Leila, we followed him to the door of the room. Diagnosis: Catatonia. According to the doc's words Leila had gone through an extreme emotional shock that had left her in a catatonic state. This explained her mutism, lack of movement and depression. "How to bring her out of that state?" Johanna had asked.
"I could start treatment with neural stimulants, muscle relaxants or antidepressants."
"nonsense! she doesn't need drugs, just give her some time" I growled. The idea of drugging Leila disgusted me, she was over that, she could not become dependent on drugs. I had no choice but to hand the pills to the shrink and explain that Leila had already been getting high since who knows when. After several minutes of discussion with him, we were able to come to an agreement, he would give Leila a few days to react on her own but if she didn't, medical intervention was imperative. I was convinced that in Leila's strength, she would not have to rely on medication, I would not allow it.
Finally, just as the surgeon had ordered, he also felt that Leila needed to be supervised 24/7. This time it was not so difficult to convince him that Johanna and I would be in charge of being with her in addition to the nurses. However, this did cost Johanna an extra session with him, he wanted to make sure that this was not too much of an emotional burden for her. I had to admit, I admired how calmly Johanna agreed, I knew her well enough to know that in her head, she was beating the doctor up for even hinting that she was weak.
As soon as the doctor left, an idea came to my mind "Johanna, would you mind staying a few more minutes with Leila?" She agreed and I went as fast as I could to find Leila's grandfather. The wounded from district 8 and 10 were in the emergency room downstairs.
"I'm looking for a patient" I intercepted a passing nurse "he's coming from district 8. His last name is Bloom"
"Let me see. I'm going to look up which ward on this floor he's on." She was searching her database when I saw the nurse who was accompanying the old man yesterday.
"You are Mr. Bloom's nurse, do you know what room he is in?"
"oh! Mr. Bloom?" and her face fell "he died early this morning, his injuries were quite severe. I'm sorry" I felt the hopelessness and bitterness again. It was unfair, this whole fucking shitty existence was a succession of injustice after injustice.
With my spirits on the floor I went back to her room. I looked at Leila's limp body, still staring blankly, what was she thinking, could she hear me if I spoke to her? Minutes passed until they turned into hours and hours into days. But nothing had changed. Leila was still in her own world, I talked to her, Johanna did too, but nothing worked.
The next few days started to become a routine, Johanna and I would take turns during the day to accompany her, and in the nights I would stay with her. The nurses would come and go checking her vital signs or any changes in her. The shrink also came often, tried to talk to her but her silence and stillness remained. I was worried that time was running out, and medical intervention would soon be ordered by Aurelius. He had already ordered her to be medicated at night, so she could sleep.
Sometimes I would see Peeta stand at the door watching Leila for a few minutes and then leave. I didn't understand what was going on in his mind and why he was looking at her angrily. I couldn't remember a single time since Peeta had been rescued that Leila hadn't been kind to him, I couldn't understand where so much resentment was coming from.
One day Finnick had come, sat next to her and talked to her for hours, without getting any answer. I tried to remember what I felt when they killed my family and what had motivated me to move on, I only remember two feelings: rage and an insatiable desire for revenge. I couldn't relate Leila to either of those feelings, they had broken her completely, the only thread of 'hope' that kept her tied to this life was her sister, without her Leila had lost everything.
The last push she needed to make the decision was given by her 'father'. The killing machine, the monster, the mutt they wanted so much to see in her, finally saw the light. Leila did what she was so afraid to do. As the days passed, I reflected on every word she said and action made. I understood that her guilt was not only limited to her father and brother. But also to all those possibilities that could have happened. If Milly had been in the dining hall that day, what would she have done? would she have attacked her? or her mother? she certainly came very close to killing Johanna, was she holding back? or did she really intend to do it?
Even in her sleep she had that little wrinkle of worry on her forehead. If only I could do something, anything, to help her. I settled into the uncomfortable chair to watch over her sleep; I don't know how many days had passed since I slept more than 4 hours straight, the nightmares still haunted me and the uneasiness of leaving Leila didn't allow me to have any peace either.
Perhaps exhaustion was winning the battle, I allowed myself to close my eyes just for a moment. I heard the door slam loudly "so here you are, you useless piece of shit!" reacting to what was happening, I saw Tom shaking Leila by the shoulders. I immediately pounced on him, taking him by surprise, knocking him to the floor.
"You will never touch a single hair on her again, you fucking asshole " I threatened him.
"She's going to pay for what she did to me and my dad. Are you listening to me slut?!"
I wanted to kill him and I was going to if it wasn't for Leila's crying that stopped me.
"I'm so sorry" I heard her say between whispered sobs.
"get the hell out" I shouted
"or what?" He dared me. Doing something against Leila's brother was like hurting her and I couldn't do it, I didn't want to fall into provocation.
"I'm going to warn you, get out of here!" I hissed clenching my fists.
I was thankful that at that moment several nurses approached the room and dragged the boy out "you're not always going to be protected, bitch" slamming the door shut, I approached her. Leila was curled up on herself crying uncontrollably.
Without a second thought I walked over to her, climbed onto her bed and pulled her into my arms. "It's going to be okay, darling" I stroked my hands through her hair trying to comfort her. A nurse came into the room with the intention of checking Leila and giving her a sedative but I stopped her. She needed this, to feel, not numb her emotions.
The rest of the night passed the same way, her crying in my arms. I whispered soothing words to her, about her father's condition (fortunately for him, Leila had not touched any vital organs. It was obvious that in that instant she didn't want him to die quickly), Johanna, the soldier, and the others. I wasn't sure if she was paying attention to me, but it didn't matter, I would repeat it to her as many times as necessary. Everyone was fine and none of what had happened was her fault.
"I trained hard. I killed for him. I did everything he asked of me, why was I never enough?" I heard her whisper through tears. I didn't have a proper answer to give her, I wanted to tell her that he was the real monster in this story, that he never loved her but it hurt me to break her heart even more.
"You are enough Leila" I replied, planting a kiss on her forehead.
"The red teddy bear, it was a gift from Mags for her first birthday. No one had one like it, she still had it" she cried "all this time she was in 8 while I was here" she berated herself.
"It wasn't your fault Leila"
"I couldn't protect her. Milly is dead, and I couldn't do anything to stop it" she sobbed.
"I'm sorry, Leila" I didn't know what else to say to her to ease some of the pain she felt. The grief she carried in her heart could not be healed with words, I knew that better than anyone. I could only accompany her and listen to her.
Early in the morning, as usual, Johanna came to the room. Her eyes widened with surprise when she saw me in Leila's bed with her in my arms. "She woke up?" she asked just moving her lips. I nodded. Not sure what to do, she looked at me intrigued, leave or stay?. I definitely wasn't going to move from my spot. I don't know what made her decide but she came over, "hey dummy, you scare the hell out of us" I wanted to choke Johanna. Of all the things she could have said to her, why was she just initiating a conversation like that?
"Johanna?" She asked, lifting her head slightly off my chest.
"the one and only"
"I hurt you, I almost killed you... "a new wave of crying.
"hurt me?" she scoffed "you're just hurting my ego by insinuating that you could defeat me. You barely even touched a hair on my head. You're not as good a fighter as everyone says" Johanna lied so matter-of-factly it almost convinced me too.
"I'm so sorry, I never meant for that to happen" she whispered between sobs.
"shh Leila, don't worry, you heard her, all is forgiven and forgotten" I hugged her even more.
"Yeah, and I speak for everyone else, when I say 'let it go'" Leila didn't answer her. "Well, I'll go tell the good news to the others, I'll be back later" Johanna and her subtlety. Knowing that for now she wasn't going to get anything more from her, she left us alone. A nurse came back to her room with her breakfast, Leila didn't even look at it. I couldn't blame her, even I didn't have any appetite after this busy night.
A few hours later Aurelius came in to check on his patient. He asked me to wait outside while he talked to Leila. I reluctantly left the room, not wanting to leave her alone, especially knowing how much she disliked doctors. After about 30 minutes he came out.
"So?"
"She's still in a state of emotional shock. She refuses to talk."
"That's not true, she did talk to me."
"That's something but not enough. Haymitch, I want to make one thing clear to you, as long as Leila remains in this state, she is not going to get better. She needs professional help and she refuses to get it, therefore she continues to be a danger" I didn't like where the conversation was going.
"What does that mean?" I asked angrily.
"That if she doesn't cooperate, I will unfortunately have to commit her to the psychiatric ward."
"What! like she's a mental case? I won't allow it!"
"It's not your decision, it's mine, I remind you that she is under my guardianship" he sighed wearily "look, I'm not trying to be your or her enemy. I've been quite understanding in everything you've asked of me: no medications, being her caretaker along with Johanna, female nurses only. I understand all of this because of her past, but I can't let my patient be a danger..."
"She regrets it, she's not a danger."
"She is a danger to herself. Don't let your feelings blind you, Haymitch. She's slowly deteriorating."
"So the solution is to drug her?" I said wryly.
"no, medicate her, which is different. Everything will be under strict control and this will help her feel better enough to get out of that state she's in."
I was not at all convinced by this solution "let me try to convince her..."
"Haymitch I don't think..."
"just a couple more days, doc. A couple of days won't hurt any more" I bargained.
After mulling it over for a few minutes he agreed "this is the last time" I nodded.
I immediately returned to Leila. She was still curled up on herself, silently crying. I hadn't noticed how pale she was, the only color in her face was her eyes red from crying.
"Tell him I have nothing for him." she whispered as soon as I got close. She straightened up in bed and looked up at the ceiling.
"Who, Leila?"
"Plutarch" This reminded me of the conversation we had months ago when she accused me of being Plutarch's lapdog. At the time I was angry at the accusation but this time I only felt pain. In a way Leila knew Plutarch much better than I did. She quickly understood his intentions even before I knew them.
"I don't work for him, Leila" I whispered. I put a lock of hair behind her ear "I've told you that before. You know me better than that."
"That's the thing. I don't know you at all" that hurt! To me, Leila was one of the few people to whom I had opened my heart. Now, she had seen the worst in me and I couldn't make amends before it was too late.
"Ask me anything you want and I'll answer you".
"it's not necessary" she closed her eyes "you don't have to take care of me, Haymitch. It's not your job. Put the restraints on me and leave" I was hurt by her rejection but I wouldn't leave her alone again.
"you're right. It's not my job; I'm here because I want to" she ignored me "look at me, Leila." but she continued to avoid my gaze "forgive me. I've wanted to apologize for weeks now, I behaved like an animal, I...I...you took me by surprise, it's a poor excuse but it's the truth. Forgive me for what I said and how I acted."
"There's nothing to forgive, Haymitch" Her words only made me feel worse.
"Can I stay?" I asked fearing she wanted to kick me out again. She nodded. I didn't return to my place next to her on the bed. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, so I returned to my usual place in the chair. I listened to her cry softly until she fell asleep. Although she didn't sleep for more than about 15 minutes, I assumed she was awakened by a nightmare.
Johanna came back in the afternoon. I was surprised at the great effort she was making to be 'positive' and 'cheerful' but Leila was barely responding with monosyllables. Discreetly she asked me if I wanted to go and rest, but I refused, now more than ever I wanted to be taking care of Leila. To my great regret, Leila's refusal to eat in the morning was no coincidence, lunch and dinner she also refused. The doctor was right, Leila had found another way to punish herself and this one was worse and slower. In the evening a nurse came to sedate Leila so that she could sleep through the night. I didn't object this time, she needed rest.
The next day passed much the same, except for Leila's silence. She spent the whole day crying silently, refusing to eat or talk to the shrink. Before leaving the room he gave me a look that said it all 'time is running out'. When I explained the situation to Johanna, she thought it might be the best option to follow the doctor's instructions, if it wasn't for the IV in her arm, Leila was going to end up starving herself to death.
Another night had passed. Another night of restless sleep for her, and another of sleeplessness for me. I leaned back in my chair a little more and closed my eyes for a moment.
"Can I go to the bathroom?" whispered Leila. I immediately opened my eyes alert "I wish I could wash myself" she explained.
"yeah sure" I tried to control the fear that ran through me "I'm going to call a nurse, so she can help you with these wires" I said trying to lighten the mood. I was nervous, that's how Leila managed to hurt herself. I pressed the button that called for the nurse. To my frustration it was not the nurse but a male nurse who came.
"I want to take a shower," Leila said to him. He nodded and removed the IV's she had in both arms.
"It's ok, you have to leave the door open, do you need help to take a shower?"
"No and no," I said at Leila's uncomfortable face. "She doesn't need help and she's not going to leave the door open."
"It's the doctor's orders, she can't be alone."
"It's okay, Haymitch. I don't care" Leila said on the verge of tears.
"It's not fine. The doctor also ordered a female nurse to be here."
"There's too much work to be demanding special treatment. No one can come" complained the boy. I knew Katniss' mom should have started her shift by this time.
"Grace Everdeen. She'll come here, call her" I ordered. We stared at each other; finally he relented and with an irritated sigh went to find Grace.
"You shouldn't have..."
"Yes, I should have." Leila still head down stirred in bed kicking her feet out to get up. Was she planning to go into the bathroom alone? I was scared "Leila?"
"mh?"
"Do you really want to take a shower?" she nodded "promise me" I asked and she looked into my eyes confused.
"promise you what?"
"promise me you won't hurt yourself?" she looked down with her eyes full of tears.
"I won't."
"Then promise," I asked again.
"it doesn't matter, it's not important"
"It matters to me, Leila." She stayed silent, "the last time I saw my mom, she promised me that when we met that night again, she would make me my favorite herb soup. However, there wasn't another time, she was hanged with my younger brother and my girlfriend in the town square. When you gave me the soup I...it had the same smell as my mother's...they died because of me...I didn't want to react like that with you. I don't want to lose someone I care about again without being able to do anything" tears rolled down her cheeks "I'm asking you one more time, promise me"
"I won't do anything Haymitch" she said with a cracked voice, not resisting anymore, I approached her and hugged her with all my strength.
"Get mad at me, insult me, hate me but don't hurt yourself" she cried in my arms "I can't explain how much I care about you and I don't want to see you suffer, but I can't help you if you don't let me. I want you to trust me and I want to be able to trust you."
"How? I don't have anything else to give" I cupped her face in my hands.
"I don't want you to give me anything, I just want you to be okay Leila. I don't want you to punish yourself anymore, let me help you."
She shook her head in denial "how? when I've done terrible things all my life".
"No you haven't. Listen to me Leila, you can't carry something that is not just your responsibility. I'm going to be by your side whenever you need me, Johanna, Finnick, Sae, Annie and also. Dr. Aurelius can help you with everything else that we can't."
"no, not him"
"I understand. I swear, but there are things I'm not an expert on but he is. I know how much you hate doctors and I understand that but I'm just asking you to try. For what it's worth, everyone consults him, you've witnessed Peeta's progress yourself, the shrink must be doing something right."
"how can you be sure that he has no other intentions? that we are nothing more than experiments?"
"I can't know" honesty that's what I had to give Leila "If it were up to me I wouldn't force you to do any of this, Leila. But if you don't cooperate to be in therapy, you're going to get locked up like Peeta. I'm terrified that's going to happen to you" another couple more tears fell from her eyes
"Maybe it's for the best" she whispered
"don't say that" I hugged her "you're not what you've been led to believe Leila. You are not a monster. You are the girl who is always looking to help, who has a good heart, who cooks like the gods, who is cheerful and talkative, all that and more is you for me".
"I promise," she said softly. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I pulled away from her and chastely kissed her sweet lips. "I don't think Grace is coming" I smiled "let me help you off the bed" she nodded. I wrapped my arm around her waist to help her keep her balance after so many days in bed. And I felt my heart sink, realizing that I had easily lifted Leila with one arm. I was not a strong guy and yet it had only taken one arm. Damn, how much weight had she lost! It took everything in me to keep my expression serene but inside I was screaming.
"oh! I'm just in time, where are we going?" Johanna startled us
"nowhere, she's just going to take a shower."
"come let me help you"
"No need Johanna" said Leila staring straight at Johanna, what did that mean?
"I'll help you just to go to the bathroom, okay?" Leila nodded. A few minutes later Johanna returned to the room, took some clothes out of the closet and came back with Leila. After a few minutes she came back out "if you need help, I'm out here".
"uh huh"
"This is a good sign, isn't it?"
"I want to believe so" she looked me up and down.
"You too should think about taking a shower and getting some rest. Man you look like death"
"thanks for the compliment"
"Go on, I'll stay with her."
"No, I'm fine."
"stubborn"
"nosy"
"Haymitch, I was told you needed me" Grace entered agitated.
"It's ok, don't worry I have the situation under control" Johanna snorted in derision.
"Is anyone accompanying her there?"
"nope, we're just hoping we don't find a red river when that door opens".
"Johanna!" I said irritated
"if she's decided on her own to get out of bed, she's on the right track" said Grace optimistically, ignoring Johanna's remark
"Not if she doesn't eat. She doesn't weigh anything"
"one step at a time Haymitch, don't push her".
"Johanna?" we heard Leila's trembling soft voice. I had goosebumps
"I'm coming in," Johanna rushed in.
"Grace, maybe you should come too"
"Relax, it must be nothing serious, she must just need help. I'm sure she'll appreciate the presence of a friend more than a stranger" I sighed in frustration." She's doing fine. Maybe we could try to get her to eat something?" she asked gently.
"I hope so"
"I'll get her food, I'll be right back."
Johanna and Leila came out of the bathroom. The latter looked even paler than before, what happened? Johanna helped her walk to the bed and then I lifted her back to bed "is everything ok?" I tried to sound casual without succeeding.
"Obviously not. Since she hasn't eaten in days, she doesn't have the strength for anything."
"I'm fine."
"you know this would be a good time to kick your ass, although it would be too a damn easy victory"
"well, what a coincidence it's breakfast time, you could eat a little"
"I'm not hungry" Johanna rolled her eyes ready to answer her but I shut her up with a glare.
"just a little Leila, you promised" I reminded her. I knew I was pushing her limits but her health came first. "Wherever you left, I'll eat it, just like old times" I offered. With a tired sigh she nodded. This was a small victory. Maybe things will get better.