Chapter 44

Liv wakes to him absentmindedly sifting his fingers through her hair, down her back. At some point throughout the night, she had curled into him, and her head is tucked on his chest, an arm around his torso. Her right leg is wedged between his and as she shakes the sleep from her brain, it's then she registers the light from his iPad.

"Did I wake you?" Rafael questions softly.

She shakes her head, nuzzling into the cotton of his t-shirt. "Work?"

"Research."

Glancing at the screen of his iPad, she finds him scrolling through definitions of various orientations, and judging by the many tabs he has open, he's been at it for awhile. "Helpful?"

He inhales deeply, before exhaling. "….I think I may be bisexual."

Resting her chin on his chest, she meets his gaze. "How do you feel about that?"

Closing the iPad, he returns it and his glasses to the night stand. "Relieved?…it's not like I've never heard the term before, but I guess I've never considered using it to describe myself…..I've been so singularly focused on not being gay…." He shakes his head, rubbing her arm that's wrapped around him. "….and logically I know that's all wrapped up in my trauma….am I making any sense?"

"You are," she reassures.

"…there are other people in this world who love the way I love and I don't feel…." He shakes his head, letting his words trail off.

"Name it, Rafa," she encourages gently.

He blinks a few times, gathering his composure. "I don't feel afraid….I'm not some….mistake, there was….there was never anything wrong with me."

She wants to reach inside of him and hug the little boy that has been waiting, broken and alone, for anyone to tell him the very same thing. "Never was," she agrees gently.

Rafael nods, wiping his eyes and Liv lets the silence settle between them, letting his words sink in.

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"….this is me….coming out to you."

She smiles softly. "Thank you, for telling me." From the nightstand, the alarm on her phone goes off. Untangling from him, she reaches to shut it off. Rolling back towards him, she moves to straddle him. "I need you to listen to me, Rafael."

His hands coast up her thighs, nodding.

"You being Bisexual is not a problem for me, in any way. I want you to know that I'm proud of you, for giving voice to what happened to you, for seeking help and most importantly, living your truth…you have no idea what it means to me that you trust me with this."

He wipes his eyes. "…I'm not one of your victims, Liv."

She shakes her head. "No, you're not. But you're a survivor. And if anyone knows how hard that can be, it's me." He's sitting up then, engulfing her in his arms and he hugs her so tightly, so fiercely, that the tears brim her own eyes. "I love you, Rafa. I want to be 85 and squabbling with you, babe."

He squeezes her tighter.

"…I want you to know that we can keep talking, about whatever you need."

"Ok."

She sweeps her fingers through his hair, feeling him relax next to her.

"I'm not ready to…come out to everyone…it all feels daunting and incredibly personal."

"Do whatever feels right for you, Rafael. No one is going to hear anything from me; it's your truth to speak."

He's pulling back to meet her gaze. "I trust you. Always."

She slides her hands over his shoulders, down his arms that are wrapped around her. "How are you feeling now?"

"Incredibly grateful," he comments softly, tucking a stray tendril of her hair behind her ear. "….that you love me….all of me."

Liv smiles gently. "You're pretty easy to love, babe."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Jack stands on the other side of is door, tray of coffee and a brown paper bag in his hands. Rafael quickly opens the door, letting him in.

"I know it's early," the DA begins. "But I was in the neighbourhood."

Rafael closes the door behind him. "I might have believed that if it was a decent hour. What's going on, Jack?"

He offers him the coffee and bag. "There's donuts, for Noah."

Rafael accepts them, moving into the kitchen and Jack follows him. The coffee is from his favourite shop near the courthouse and as he peaks into the bag, the sprinkle donuts Noah loves are inside. "Why does this feel like some sort of bribe?"

Jack chuckles. "Because it is."

He helps himself to one of the coffees, taking his first sip of the morning. "I'm listening."

"That easily swayed, counsellor?" Jack smirks. "Maybe I don't need you back as bad as I think I do."

"Papa! I need your help!" Noah enters the kitchen with his spray bottle and brush. "Momma said I needed to come rescue you."

Both men chuckle, and he takes the spray bottle and brush from him. "Mr. McCoy brought you donuts."

Noah's eyes light up. "Is it too early for donuts?"

Jack shakes his head. "It's never too early." He slides the bag across the island towards him. "But only one."

The little boy nods, helping himself.

While he eats, Rafael sprays down his wayward curls. "How did you sleep, mijo?"

"Good….are you my Papa's boss?" Noah questions.

Jack nods. "I am."

"You're here awfully early," he comments, licking the frosting from his donut.

"I am," Jack agrees with a chuckle. "I have a pretty busy day, and this was the only time I could speak to your Papa."

Noah nods, eating his donut.

Rafael fingers combs his curls, working out the tangles and knots from his sleep, before running the brush through his hair. "….and if I'm not ready to come back?" He offers Jack.

The older man sits on one of the stools, resting his hat on his knee. "I'll respect your decision."

He's managed to comb through Noah's curls, and he tousles them a little to loosen them up around his head. "There you go, Mijo….go tell Momma that Mr. McCoy brought her a coffee."

"It was nice to meet you, Noah," Jack offers.

"You too!" Noah leaves the kitchen, heading towards the bedroom.

They both watch him go and Jack smiles fondly. "I was never around much, when my own were that age. This time is precious; it goes by so fast."

Liv joins them, dressed for her day. "Just so you know, Jack, you may be our son's new favourite person." Helping herself to one of the coffee's, she leans into Rafael who rubs her back. "Donuts for breakfast will get you places."

Jack chuckles. "So will coffee, I hope. I won't beat around the bush any longer: I need you back. I don't trust your replacement with the Pattern 23 case, and Nolan isn't up to speed and O'Dywer isn't cutout for this kind of case."

"Stone?" Rafael offers.

Jack shakes his head. "Too much to prove and a bigger chip on his shoulder. You see my dilemma?"

Rafael nods.

"SVU did their job arresting this guy," Jack continues. "We need to make sure we do ours so that he gets the maximum."

"Ok," he agrees. "When do you need me to start?"

"Today."

He nods again, and Jack rises from his seat. "I've forwarded all the files to your office. Have Carmen gather anything the temp might have."

Rafael walks him to the door.

"It was nice to see you, Lieutenant Benson."

"You can call me Olivia, Jack."

"Olivia," Jack corrects.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

She leans in the bathroom doorway, watching as he finishes up shaving. He places his glasses back in their case, carefully putting in his contacts.

He stares at himself in the mirror, and she pushes away from the doorframe, wrapping her arms around him from behind. "There you are," she greets softly.

Rafael meets her gaze in the mirror. "I thought you liked it?"

"I did….that Rafael was just for me, though….the rest of the world gets this one."

He rubs her arms that are wrapped around him. "I love you, Liv."

She presses a kiss to his cheek. "I love you too."

"And I'm sorry, for being so difficult-"

"-you haven't been difficult," she disagrees. "You've been unpacking and confronting and reckoning with so much, babe, and there's no right or wrong way to do that." He turns in her arms and she settles against his chest. "You don't have to apologize to me for anything."

"We're ok?"

She nods. "More than ok. Promise."

Framing his hands around her face, he presses his lips to hers, and even though it's only been a few days since he's kissed her this way, it's been long enough. Her body immediately softens into to him, opening her mouth to meet his tongue when it sweeps into her mouth.

His one hand slides into her hair, the other down her back, slipping under her shirt.

She sighs into his mouth at his touch, sliding both her hands under his tshirt needing to feel him just as much.

Ending their kiss, they settle in each others arms, letting their hands touch and caress what skin they can, reconnecting.

"Rafa?" She questions softly.

"Mmm?"

"Let's take your mom up on her offer to babysit….focus on us for a night?"

He gathers her in his arms tighter, pressing a kiss to the side of her head. "….or two?"

She smiles, pressing a kiss to his neck.

Tbc