Chapter 45

"Are the rumours true, Lue? Is Barba back?" Carisi questions.

Liv stops in the squad room, nodding. "Jack McCoy can be very convincing; he's taking over Pattern 23."

There's collective relief among her detectives and she smiles. "I'll let him know that you all missed him so much."

"He doesn't need his ego inflated anymore," Fin jokes. "But we're happy to have him back."

"Me too….where are we on Jennifer Knowles' case?"

"My rope guy says the one from the crime scene doesn't match the fibres found on the other victims," Fin begins. "CSU found rope under her kitchen sink; Bennett's running it now."

"And the report came back; there was no alcohol in her system," Rollins adds.

"So her sister was telling the truth. Ok, Carisi, Rollins, bring Willard in."

Carisi rises from his seat. "On it Lue."

As her detectives head out of the squad room, Trevor Langan passes them along the way. "Lieutenant, do you have a minute?"

Fin shares a look with her. "You need me to sit in?"

"That wouldn't be a bad idea," Trevor answers. "You'll need a witness to sign."

They all head towards her office and Trevor opens his briefcase, pulling out two file folders. "I apologize for how long this took; with everything, and considering this isn't my area of expertise, I wanted to make sure there were no legal loopholes." He opens one folder, fanning out the paperwork on her desk. "This is your Will, and your health care directives. Rafael Barba has been named the executor of your estate, and your next of kin with power of attorney rights." He flips through several of the pages, pointing out where her signature is to go. "If you'll just sign here, here and here."

"Liv," Fin interrupts. "Are you sure? This seems pretty final and long term."

Grabbing a pen, she begins to sign her name where Trevor has designated. "I've never been more sure of anything else in my life." She hands him the pen. "I need you to back me up on this."

Fin holds her gaze for a minute, before taking the pen and signing his name too.

Gathering the paperwork back into the file, Trevor fans out the contents of the other. "Now, there's two options you can go with, and Judge Linden has already agreed to honour both." He lays out the adoption and the legal guardianship papers. "….You'll have to consider what you want for Noah in the event things change between you and Rafael, or, if something were to ever happen to you."

She knows that she should discuss this with him first, despite her mind already being made up. "Can I take this to discuss with him?"

"Of course." He tucks the paperwork back into the file, handing it to her. "Let me know when you're ready, and we'll go from there."

"Thank you, Trevor."

"Of course. Talk soon."

He leaves, and Fin closes the door behind him. "How long have you been thinking about this?"

"…everything with Shelia…being shot and everything that happened at the hospital; that's not what I wanted. And I'm grateful that Don and you all were there, but I can't leave it to chance again. Noah needed him and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself knowing that my son had to go through that exam without someone."

Fin nods. "….you needed him too," he adds.

"I did," she agrees, her voice catching.

"This is serious."

Liv nods, wiping her eyes. "Yeah, it is."

Crossing her office, Fin envelops her into his arms and it's a rare display of affection and yet it means the world to her.

"You deserve it, Liv."

She smiles, squeezing him before letting him go.

There's a quick knock on her door and it feels like a revolving door. "Yeah," she calls to however is on the other side.

Dodds lets himself in. "This a good time?"

Liv nods, gesturing him in. "What's up?"

"I just got word that the commissioners office has agreed with the and IPPs report on Sheila Porter's death; there won't be a grand jury."

Leaning against her desk, she exhales. "…that's…." She doesn't know what to say.

"Good news," Dodd's offers. "There is a catch." He turns to Fin. "I know you've written the Sargents exam and we know that you are what this unit needs-"

"-lemme guess; the commissioners office disagrees," Fin cuts him off.

Dodds nods. "They think you're too close. They want someone in here that can be objective."

"Who?" Liv questions.

"Well, I didn't exactly roll over and take it. I pushed for someone I think will be a great asset to this squad; my son, Mike. He's just coming of a stint with organized crime and he's eager to be of help."

Both Liv and Fin share a look, and she nods. "Ok then. Thanks, Chief."

"He'll start tomorrow."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"Now you're telling me this guy didn't do it?"

"He didn't do one."

"Right, because why? Because her boyfriend had sex with her before she was killed?" He questions, moving to sit on his couch.

Liv follows, sitting beside him. "Her controlling, emotionally abusive boyfriend-"

"-so you've said-"

"-whom she broke up with that night. It is completely doable to transport the body four blocks-"

"-and then what? He left her there with her hands tied with a rope using the exact MO? No, that information was private, Liv. Willard couldn't know those details."

"Unless," she counters, "Unless he hacked into NYPD's computer system. He's a tech genius. If anyone could do it, he could."

He gives her theory some thought. "Ok, so in your scenario, Willard, with his dead girlfriend in the room, hacked the NYPD, and then he tied her with a rope-"

"-a rope that the pattern 23 rapist never used before. A rope, that Willard found in Jennifer's apartment."

"Which is your only actual piece of real evidence-"

"-which is a damn good piece of evidence," she corrects.

"True."

"If the rope matches-"

"-then crusading Lieutenant Benson gets her man. And upsets a very large apple cart in the process."

"So you'll get me a warrant?"

"If the rope matches."

"Thank you."

They take a minute, letting the moment settle and she can't help the small smile that tugs at her lips. "I missed this."

Rafael's mouth quirks into his own lopsided smile. "Me too."

"How's your day going otherwise?"

He leans back into the couch and she turns her body to face him, her knees brushing his thigh. He reaches out, placing his hand there, needing to be anchored to her. "It's nice to know that there's some things about me that haven't changed."

Liv reaches out to sweep her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. "Not changed. Clarified. You're still you, Rafa."

He squeezes her knee. "You?"

"Busy….a lot of things I want to talk to you about when we get home."

His mind thinks of the letter in her bag. "Everything ok?"

"Yeah," she reassures. "I gotta go."

He walks her to his office door, meeting her kiss. "I love you, Liv."

She smiles brightly. "I love you too. Kick ass."

He chuckles. "Take names."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"I already told the other detectives everything I know."

"And I just want to discuss the night of the murder one more time," Olivia answers, following Willard into the interrogation room.

"Yeah, I understand that, but we could have done that in my office. Brining me down to your scary interrogation room isn't gonna somehow jog my memory." He sits on the edge of the table.

"You can have a seat in that chair," Fin prompts.

Reluctantly, he takes the chair.

"So, we know you two were together the night of the murder. We know that the two of you broke up in Jennifer's apartment around 10:30pm, is that correct?"

"Yes. I've already discussed this with the other cops."

"Why'd you split up?" Fin questions, sitting opposite Willard.

"Jennifer and I…our relationship was very passionate but at the end of the day, it was unsustainable."

"Unsustainable how?" Olivia prompts.

"It was one dimensional. We were only good at one thing."

"Which was?" Fin questions.

"Sex. But we liked each other a lot, so we decided, 'let's call it quits'. We didn't want to jeopardize our work relationship, or our friendship for that matter….you should know something about that, Lieutenant."

"Excuse me?"

"Were you having sex before or after you split?" Fin cuts in, not letting Olivia take the bait.

"Before. It was beautiful."

"Was there any arguing? Any fighting?" Olivia questions.

"No. It was a mutual decision."

She leans against the two way mirror, folding her arms against her chest. "Mutual? Because Laura Knowles said that it was Jennifer's choice, that she wanted to break up with you?"

"Laura Knowles says that my golden retriever is a Russian spy, but between us, I wouldn't take that to the bank-"

"-Well, between us, being glib isn't going to make this go away, or us, for that matter," Olivia cuts him off.

"Did you look under Jennifer's kitchen sink that night?" Fin questions.

"I'm sorry, under her sink? Is that some kind of sexual metaphor?"

Fin shakes his head and she pushes away from the two way mirror. "No, we found your fingerprints on the handle of the cabinet underneath the kitchen sink."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"I'm obviously not speaking clearly enough, so, my bad." She circles the table to sit on the corner in front of him, leaning in. "I'm talking about you killing Jennifer. I'm talking about you hacking into the NYPD server so that you could impersonate the pattern 23 rapist. I'm talking about you finding rope underneath the sink, tying her hands, and then dumping her body at some construction site. Is that better? Is that more clear?"

Willard stares up at her. "Wow. You have a vivid imagination. It's impressive, no?" He directs at Fin. "But the truth is, I'm far too smart to do something that stupid-"

"Or far too stupid to do something that smart," she counters.

He smirks. "I'm done talking. I want a lawyer."

"Oh, you're free to go."

He rises from the chair, heading for the door.

"But like I said, this isn't going away."

When they're alone, Fin turns to her. "What was with that, 'you should know' comment?"

Liv shakes her head. "I don't know." Fin follows her out of the interrogation room. "Touch base with Bennett; see where he's at with the rope."

"On it."

"How'd it go?" Amanda questions from her desk.

"My gut tells me he's good for this," she answers. "Getting the evidence to prove it?" She bobs her head back in forth, considering it. "Might be difficult considering we already have someone who's confessed….while you're all here, there's something you need to know."

Both Carisi and Rollins straighten in their chairs. "Everything ok, Lue?" Carisi questions.

"Yeah…Dodds was here earlier to let me know that the Sheila Porter case won't be going to a grand jury."

Amanda smiles. "That's great news!"

Liv nods. "The commissioners office would like someone in here that can be objective -his words, not mine."

Carisi groans leaning back in his chair. "A new guy?"

"Sargent Dodds starts tomorrow. I expect you all to show him the ropes, be helpful."

"Dodds as in Chief Dodds?" Amanda questions.

Liv nods again. "Dodds thought it would be better to have someone we know, than not."

"We know Fin," Carisi points out. "He wrote the exam. Why not him?"

Fin slips on his coat, grabbing his keys. "It's what happens when you're in this job as long as we've been," he gestures between he and Liv. "We're too close….listen, don't worry about. It's all good. Let the new guy deal with the paper work," he jokes. "Carisi, let's go check in with my rope guy."

Grabbing his own coat, Carisi follows him towards the elevator.

"But will he have your back like Fin does?" Amanda points out.

Liv exhales, shaking her head.

"Fin may have your six, but he's definitely not me."

"No, I'm better. I actually watch her back and not her backside."

She smiles at the memory, right here in this very squad room, what seems like a lifetime ago. "It is what it is now; all we can do is hope that Dodds is as good as a fit as his father seems to think he'll be….I'll be in my office."

Amanda nods.

There's still a bit of adrenaline coursing through her body after that interrogation and she takes a few deep breathes to help regulate her emotions. And as she sinks into her chair, Elliot's letter intrusively crosses her mind.

It's been tucked in her bag since he had given it to her and she felt no real urge to read it until now.

Opening the bottom drawer of her desk, she opens her bag, puling out the letter. As she opens it, unfolding it, she had expected to find Elliot's own handwriting, but instead, finds a typed letter.

Liv,

I don't really know where to start. There's so much I want to say. That I need to say.

I'm sorry, for starters. For walking away. For not telling you. After Jenna, I was in a bad place and my focus needed to be on my family. Staying only seemed to make it worse and so Kathy and I decided the best thing to was leave.

I should have told you. Said goodbye. Made plans to stay in touch. But I knew if I heard your voice, I wouldn't have been able to do it. I wouldn't have been able to put my family first. My kids needed me.

Looking back on it now, I should have said something. I should have told you how I felt because ten years hasn't changed anything for me. I love you, Liv. Always have. Probably always will. You've always been the single most important person in my life, too.

When I was in Rome….you're all I thought about. It was your voice that I heard when I spiralling. It was the thought of you that made me slow down, be present for my kids. You saved me.

I know you have a son now (and I know you're the best mom) and that you're seeing someone. I hope that he's the kind and faithful and devoted man that you deserve. I can't say that I'm not jealous, because I am. I wanted to give you that but I was too afraid to say the words. I didn't want to loose you.

I don't know if this letter will change anything. Kathy and I have been divorced for a few years now. I'm thinking about staying, putting down some roots for the kids, my mom. I gotta believe that the universe is trying to tell us something, bringing us back into each others worlds after all this time.

Just want you to know that I'm your partner, for better or worse. Always.

Love,

El

The air won't come.

Her body feels numb.

She can hear the sounds from the squad room, knows that she's sitting at her desk, knows that she's holding the letter in her hands and yet if feels like she's outside of her own body right now.

It's everything she's always wanted to hear from him.

It's what got her through the grief of loosing him.

It's what she clung to those two days with Lewis.

And yet she doesn't feel the way she thought she would.

Because all she can think about is Rafael.

I hope that he's the kind and faithful and devoted man that you deserve.

He is. And then some.

She wipes the tears that have filled her eyes, fallen onto the letter in her hands.

She hadn't been imagining it.

What she felt, he did too.

And in a different time, in a different place, in a parallel universe somewhere, it could have been them.

She folds the letter, poised to tear it in half, only she stops herself.

I know you're not ready for this now, but when you are, it is important that you tell Elliot how you feel.

Dr. Lindstrom's words of advice settle in the pit of her stomach.

Taking the letter, she scans it through the small printer in her office, sending it to her email. Opening up her computer, she brings up her email, starting a new one, attaching the letter.

Elliot,

I read your letter.

I understand why you and Kathy chose to put your family first. After everything we've been through, how I've always been there for you and Kathy and the kids, I just always thought I was family too.

I'm glad that you're in a better place now. So am I.

I loved you too. You were my world. My home. I often wondered what could have been if you hadn't been married. All those years, side by side, so in sync…how could you not love me the way that I loved you?

But things have changed.

My son is my world. My home.

And Rafael is the man I deserve. He's been there, with me through some of the darkest moments of my life. He's also been there through all the joy. He makes me smile. He's present. He's an amazing father. He loves me openly, without conditions with a kind of love that is steadying and consistent and reassuring….he's everything I dreamt you and I could have been.

The universe is giving me closure. Set down roots, for you kids and your mom; they deserve it, and so do you.

I need you to know that you're not my partner anymore; to be frank, you haven't been for a while now.

You can let me go.

I don't know if we'll ever get to a place where we can be friends. Like we used to be. I need to know that I can still trust you, because there were times in my life where I needed you, El, and you weren't there.

I want you to be happy. Safe.

I'll always care for you.

Olivia

She only reads it over to check for typos, because she knows if she gives it anymore thought, she'll talk herself into changing what she's written.

Hitting send, she closes her computer, exhaling for what feels like the first time in 10 years.

Tbc

...reviews would be welcome! I see you all reading, lol