authorsnote: okay, the promise for monthly updates is on track! yes its only feb, but this is good for me, long may it continue!

do enjoy, we hitting up some angst for my boi

songrecs: He is Lost - GOT Season 4

'No, no, that's wrong. Jon would never'

'Jon would never. Lord Snow did. Sometimes there is no happy choice, Sam, only one less grievous than the others'

- Maester Aemon to Samwell Tarly about Jon Snow

-x-

Come morning, his mind was not where it should be.

'Come meet me down the sand steps' Hastily scrawled words on a scrap of parchment, it was tucked in his pillowcase now, and even as he woke, bathed, dressed, and headed to meet Robb, it was all he could think about.

It was foolish, he had much more important things to think on, but what Perk had the book given him? Romantic Fool – 'You are a fool for love and always seem to pick the wrong woman', and apparently his head was in the clouds with that, even as he met his brother to break their fast.

It reminded him of the early days of Ygritte, of falling for her far quicker than he should have, of feeling only light when she was around, a happiness in her smile, a longing to never leave her side. It wasn't quite as intense with Lady Margaery, but he could feel something lingering there, waiting to grow, if only he would let it.

Growing Strong, her house words.

"Be careful Jon" Was all Robb said as they went to the Hall, where they couldn't speak freely. Jon hadn't told him much of what had happened, or where he'd been, but his brother knew him well and had seen it written on his face.

Now though his expression was blank, as they ate, and then made for the training ground.

They started with some simple drills, before squaring off against one another. It was an old method from Winterfell, they were taking their training routines, their practices here with them, it was a good way to keep disciplined, a good way to ensure they didn't go fat and lazy in the South, a good way to remind themselves of home.

Home … he did miss it dearly, the scent of snow on the air, the brisk winds, the chill wrapping around him. He missed seeing Arya and Bran running past, Rickon giggling, even Sansa sewing off to one side. He missed the man he'd thought to be his Father, he missed the quiet, the lack of having to be so guarded, he missed it all.

And yet, he was settling in, in the South, better than he'd hoped.

He had a routine, he had plans, he was growing in skill and level each day. Allies wise he was … well, not doing great, and yet he didn't seem to mind, as he thought of Margaery, as he thought of her smile, and pink cheeks, and the note that he'd found himself slipping into his pocket just before he left, running a thumb over it, reminding himself of the freckles across her nose, her little grin…

Thwack.

He found himself flat on his back then, a groan leaving his lips, as Robb had brought him down.

"We hadn't started" He protested as he made to his feet, letting out a groan at the pain in his stomach, as he raised his training sword.

"Yes, we had" Robb shot back, looking amused but with a hint of worry underneath, "Not my fault you want to look around like you've lost your head"

"I was not-" He began, but another hit took him off guard then, Robb was fast, not usually faster than Jon, but again Jons mind was elsewhere, on rosy skin, a little giggle…

Thwack.

"See?" Robb said with a shake of his head, "Didn't I tell you to be careful?" He paused then, and stepped forward, Jon went to react, but Robb merely whispered, "How deep are you in it?"

"I.." Jon stumbled then, Thwack. Jon growled then, found himself rearing forwards, and this time their swords clashed.

It was a hard-fought duel, back and forth, and wasn't helped as their swords met for the first time, the book made itself known.

Quest Alert!

Lovesick

Beat Robb at the duel, and don't take more than two hits … and try to keep your head!

Reward: +100XP, +10 Combat, Sword.

Failure: -100XP, -10 Combat, Sword, -10 Combat Shield.

The failures were harsh, and Jon felt annoyed, especially as Robb got him immediately with a hit as he'd looked at the quest, he couldn't afford to take another.

And yet Jon was off his game. He was the better swordsman, and gave Robb plenty of hits himself, but he was distracted today, Robb got his second hit as he caught a flash of brown hair walk past, only it wasn't Margaery, all he got in return was a bruised shoulder.

Back and forth they went, Jon dealt another two blows, and yet Robb managed to slip under him, a move Jon usually would have avoided, and smacked him in the ribs. The sting was enough to get Jon to shove his brother back, a flurry of blows later and Robb was on the ground, and yet…

Quest Failed.

Lovesick.

Beat Robb at the duel, and don't take more than two hits … and try to keep your head!

Failure: -100XP, -10 Combat, Sword, -10 Combat, Shield.

XP: 1500/2500, Combat Sword: 75, Combat Shield: 30.

He scowled at the air, before realizing Robb remained on the floor, though he took Jons hand as he offered it, Robb scowled too.

"Get your head on straight" Robb said, clapped a hand on his shoulder to show there was no ill will, but he continued, "You don't want anyone outside me noticing how far things have gone with this girl" A whisper he barely caught.

"I haven't" Jon began to protest, he wouldn't compromise Lady Margaerys honour, though he realized to his shame, some would argue he already had.

"That's not what I meant" Robb threw back before, he clapped him again, and turned away, Jon followed him.

And of course, as they made to eat luncheon, they were being watched once more.

Only this time, the bird knew it had something to nibble on.

By the time Jon made it to the shore, walking quickly, head down, sidestepping the guards lingering by the sloping steps, he was excited to see Margaery.

Even as Robbs words hung in his head, even as he knew he should be exploring the tunnels, or training, or researching, or levelling up, even as he thought briefly of Mycrella, and her sweetness in giving him her favor, it was all ignored though as he found Margaery waiting for him, though the smile on his face soon faded.

Faded as she turned to face him with tears on her cheeks. Any smile was forgotten, any worries that he was throwing himself in a bit deep gone, as he rushed forward, and took her hands, Margaerys hands.

How had it come to this?

"Whats wrong?" He asked quickly, "Who did this?" And yet Margaery shook her head, hiccupped, but then spoke, and his blood ran cold.

"We're going back to Highgarden" She said, tears trickling down her cheeks as he cupped her face he couldn't swipe them away fast enough.

"What?" He asked, his eyes widening, had he heard her right? She was leaving?

"I don't know if anyone saw us, or if …" She hiccupped again and leaned into him as he pulled her into a hug, as he pulled her closer she threw her arms around him, "They … they said about the betrothal to the Prince, Prince Joffrey.."

"He's cruel" Jon jumped in, stepping back, he knew any reality of being allowed near Lady Margaery existed in a world and only the world where people knew who he really was, and that wasn't happening anytime soon, but he'd be damned before he let her be hurt by the cruel Prince. "You can't…"

"I said I wouldn't" She interrupted, drawing back, wiping at her eyes, but she didn't step out of the circle of his arms, they were close enough to the coast, tucked behind a rock outcrop and her guards stood at the stair entrance, they shouldn't be seen, and right now, recklessly, foolishly, he didn't care if they were, "I said I wouldn't marry him" She managed a smile then, nervous, laughed even and Jon smiled too. "I just said it! No, I just said no"

"I bet they took that well" He said, and Margaery laughed again, though her face crumpled and another tear trickled down her cheek, he wiped it away gently.

"No, they were shocked, silent, my Grandmother gave me a look and then within an hour we were going back to Highgarden, they are packing now, I knew I had to slip you the note, had to get away to to see you, to … " She stumbled.

"To say goodbye" He said gently.

Something in his chest hurt, he felt like everything was moving too fast, he knew he was a fool for lingering on a Southern girl he couldn't have, and yet when she'd shown him the real her, when she'd given him a real smile, a little laugh, cheeks pink, her kisses soft, he'd tumbled, and now she was being torn away.

Like everything seemed to in his life.

"No" She said, shaking her head, and yet it was written over her face and his as he pulled her back into the hug. In this world bastards didn't end up with Ladies.

Bitterness washed over him again, he was no bastard, not really, and yet that didn't matter. For a moment he thought of the quest…

Quest Alert!

Claiming Your Right

Claim your ancestors throne, the Iron Throne for yourself.

Reward: +5000XP, +5 CHA, +5 INT, +5 LUC, Special Status fully unlocked, the crown of Aegon Targaryen will be yours.

Failure: -10 LUC, You will be branded a bastard forever and your claim on the Throne will be lost.

And thought of how if he were King, if he were a Targaryen, Lady Margaery's family would throw her at him, he could have her, without question, without the stain on his name.

And yet, the quest remained unfinished … for now.

"We don't have to" She stumbled, and yet he knew she was processing it as he was, this romance, short as it may have been, but no less for feeling, would be over in a matter of hours, minutes even they had left together.

"It's okay" He said gently, even as his own heart ached, trying to be strong for her, to offer her comfort, wasn't that always his way? He remembered finding out Robb had died, the anguish, the agony, but then right back to his duties. He remembered burying Ygritte, and then immediately having to go back to bark orders. Dying by his own brothers hand, the pain, the fear, even a hint of relief, but then right back to a life wiped with a clean cloth, did he ever get a second to crumple?

Did he ever get a second to grieve?

"No" She said again, and this time she stepped back, furiously wiping at her wet cheeks, stiffened her lip and he smiled, it was far easier for him to stay strong, with the practice he'd had, "We don't have to be apart"

"Margaery" He stepped towards her to console. Everything in him hurt, to think he wouldn't hear her laugh, wouldn't see her smile, wouldn't tease her, or see her prancing down the corridor, skirts swirling, she'd be gone and likely married off before he could see her again, if he ever did.

That left him cold, the idea they might never cross paths again.

The book remained cruelly silent.

"We could run away together" She whispered, going to clasp his hands then, her eyes widened shining, but this time not with tears. His own widened, and he felt something stutter in his heart as she spoke, "Get married, no one would be able to stop us, we could find a Septon in Flea Bottom, and … and run away, or come back to my family but we'd be married! They couldn't part us then!" She gripped her hands, smiling, so far from the smooth political darling he'd first met, this was the real Margaery, young, beautiful, and as half in love with him as he was her.

For a moment he imagined it.

Imagined saying yes, getting carried away with it all, sweeping Margaery up, taking her along the shore, sneaking them through the Keep, to Flea Bottom, bribing a Sept to marry them, finding them a room to consummate, kissing and kissing, and enjoying one another, before returning, she as Lady Margaery Snow … though not knowing it, Margaery Targaryen, his wife.

Just for a moment.

But then his smile turned sad, and Margaery stepped closer shaking her head, tears threatening again, as she knew what he was to say, as he had to say it, they both knew that.

"You know your family would kill me" He joked, even as he felt sadness creeping over him, "If my Father didn't get to me first" He said, and then he cupped her by the face again, swiping a thumb over one final tear, "I'll come see you"

"You better" She joked, they both knew, they knew any fanciful ideas, were just that; fanciful.

"We really can't?" She asked, even though they both knew the answer.

It hurt, but even if Margaery was serious, even if she thought it could work, Jon knew he would have to disappoint her. The idea of it was wonderful, perhaps not even returning here, but running away together, a new life, a new happiness, no expectations, just the two of them. And even if they could make a living, didn't miss their families too much, Jon knew he could never do that.

He had his duty.

The duty resting on his shoulders, weightier with every day. He thought of Ygritte and what she'd died for, how with all of this, he would eventually fight the real enemy, the enemy in the North, blue eyed, ice cold, their screeches inhuman, the Others.

It was his charge to lead, to find allies, to use the book, to fight the ice with whatever he could and however could. He couldn't do that running off with a Southern Lady that would surely turn half the South against him. As much as he ached to say yes to her, as much as he ached to pretend, or to even just take her hand and not think, he knew he couldn't.

He had a duty, and what were the words?

'Love is the bane of honor, the death of duty'

He could not allow love, or the chance of it, to detract from the duty he'd taken on, long before he'd died. The duty that might see him again, but came above all else, even himself.

He thought then of the rest of Maester Aemons words.

'We are only human, and the gods have fashioned for love. This is our great glory, and our great tragedy'

A tragedy indeed.

Quest Alert!

Lovers Parted

Say Goodbye to Lady Margaery … for now.

Reward: +10 Relationship with Lady Margaery, +10 Love with Lady Margaery

Failure: -10 INT.

He smiled sadly, it was a ludicrous quest, the penalty told him that, for what choice did he have? But still he leaned forward, even as his heart ached, kissing Margaery ever so gently, they lingered for a moment just a touch too long, and as they pulled away, his eyes were wet too. A second more they pressed their foreheads to one another, breathed each other in, and then, that was it, goodbye.

"Come and see me in Highgarden" She said pulling him close once more, a final kiss, and then she was tearing away from him, running up the stairs, those green skirts billowing as she did so, a wretched sob the last thing he heard before she disappeared from view, her guards hurrying behind her.

Jon, as much as his body screamed at him too, did not follow.

Only looked out onto Blackwater Bay, as the words appeared in front of him.

Quest Completed!

Lovers Parted

Say Goodbye to Lady Margaery … for now.

Reward: +10 Relationship with Lady Margaery, +10 Love with Lady Margaery

25 Relationship with Lady Margaery, 25 Love with Lady Margaery.

-x-

Quest Alert!

Lovers Reunited.

Visit Lady Margaery in Highgarden … and perhaps take your relationship further.

Reward: +200XP, +1 CHA, +20 Relationship with Lady Margaery, +30 Love with Lady Margaery.

Failure: -100XP, -3 CHA, -30 Relationship with Lady Margaery, -20 Love with Lady Margaery.

This is a time sensitive quest.

Time remaining: 1 Year.

1 Year, he swiped at his eyes, 1 year until he saw her again, Margaery who'd shown him her real side just before she was ripped away.

For a moment he grieved.

Quest Completed

Wrapped in Thorns

Meet Lady Margaery by the shore.

Reward: +10 Relationship with Lady Margaery, +5 Love, +100XP.

35 Relationship with Lady Margaery, 30 Love, XP: 1600/2500

And then he grieved a moment more.

Over the next week, Jon did not cry, or scream or even confide in his brother. He only met him on his way back from Blackwater Bay, his expression schooled now, stoic and completely closed off, "She's gone" Another clap on the shoulder in comfort, and Jon threw himself into the book, into what he should be focusing on, into what he had chosen ultimately, over Margaery, even as both of them had known it.

He woke each morning, a brooding black cloud overhead, and twice in the week following the Tyrells leaving for Highgarden, completed training with Ghost on Warging, finding sinking into his animal companion a lessen on his emotional pain.

Each time he only trotted around the room, he was well used to being a direwolf now, could hunt and track, but this time he focused on the small things, feeling the weight on his paws, got used to the superior sense of smell and vision, on the second go he just stood on the balcony, wrinkling the direwolfs nose at the smell but taking in all the more he could see.

Warging: 80. XP: 1800/2500.

He spent the third night after Margaery had left, and the first Robb was called away (the previous two Robb had sat with him in silent and much needed support), holed up in his room, Ghost slumbering on the balcony, as he researched the Kingsguard.

It was a large and slightly dull book, but he found himself getting into the rhythm of learning of the forming of the Kingsguard under Aegon the Conqueror, how Visenya had seen to it being formed by displaying Aegons vulnerability with a knick of Dark Sister. Jon reminded himself as reading these were his ancestors and felt both proud and humbled.

Jon would always consider himself a Stark, and yet he knew, embracing his Targaryen half, as hard as it was, as little he knew about it, even with the research, would be important going forward.

He read further on the Kingsguard, on the White Book, the current unimpressive members bar Ser Barristan, and prowess if not honor of Ser Jaime. Read on the famous members, Ser Duncan the Tall, Ser Arthur Dayne, and read upon their selection habits, and such. The book was long and weighty which he'd taken from the Kings Landing useful, and yet as he returned it he was thoroughly informed. He didn't plan to join the institution but understood it more as he handed the book back.

Quest Completed!

The Kingsguard

You may or may not join these sworn brethren, but it is good either way to know who they are. Research the Kingsguard.

Reward: +10 Tactics, +10 History Knowledge, +100XP

Tactics: 80, History Knowledge: 40, XP: 1900/2500.

The next morning, he received the same quest against Robb,

Quest Alert!

Lovehurt

Beat Robb at the duel, and don't take more than two hits … and try harder this time!

Reward: +100XP, +5 Combat, Bastardsword.

XP: 2000/2500, Combat Bastardsword: 80.

He was pleased to earn some back he'd lost, and pleased his dip in form was gone, even if the reason for the dip in form was also gone.

To say Jon brooded might have been an understatement.

A week after she'd left, and Robb, trying to cheer him informed him the King was off on a Great Hunt the next day, Robb had been invited, and so would Jon be.

As much as Jon didn't like King Robert very much, how could he? He liked the idea of being free in the Kingswood again, Ghost at his side, Robb and Greywind too, and so he accepted.

He knew he'd get over this melancholy, and the idea of seeing Lady Margaery again, as the book had at least suggested he could do, was enough to help him, but it still hurt.

He wasn't sure why, he'd hadn't known Lady Margaery that well, and yet she had challenged his pre-conceived notions of Southerners and had done so with a smile. She had been sweet and yet funny, wicked and yet kind, clever as a whip and beautiful to match. Had he had a crush? Absolutely? Love … it would have been easy.

But, he reminded himself, on the morning of the hunt, stubborn as anything trying to push through, expression stoic as he dressed, packed a bag, secured his sword and dagger, it couldn't have been, and he had to accept that.

And yet, the quest, Claiming Your Right, lingered on his mind.

Before he'd considered it, remembered how he liked being Lord Commander, calling the shots, as stressful as it had been, it had been good to implement his plans, to have his men trust him, to know he could make the calls so many denied because of ego or stupidity. He could lead the charge, as he would now, and wasn't that just what being King was? The ability to lead the charge?

He thought of the tasks he had to face, the quests the book had just started him with, Valyria, the Land of Always Winter. He thought of defeating the Others, of stopping all out War and the destruction of the Starks, thought of that all on the shoulders of a 20-year-old man, a man who was not Lord Commander, not Lord of anything, just a mistaken bastard, unable to reveal or prove his real heritage, and what that heritage owed him.

He thought of that too, of his birthright. Like Robbs was Winterfell, his was the Iron Throne, should he feel robbed? He did a touch if he were truthful with himself, to grow up without the stain of bastardry was something he couldn't help but feel bitter about, but he remembered being safe, running around Winterfell, as happy as he could be as a bastard, what would have life looked like if his parentage had been revealed? More war?

But he was not a child anymore, hidden and without knowledge, he knew what he was, he knew who he was, and knew what that meant.

He thought of one quest, right alongside Claiming Your Right…

Quest Alert!

The Truth of it All

Reveal the true story of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark to the world. LOCKED until the Quest: 'Claiming Your Right' is completed.

Reward:?

Failure:?

The opportunity to right his parents' names and history, his Mother was not a victim, his Father not an abductor, they had loved and lived for such a short time together, but happy, and the world didn't know it.

He could make them know it.

And then Margaery, he thought of her again as he went for the door, her smile, her grin, her laughter, her kisses, as King he could wed whoever he liked, the Tyrells would not oppose any such match then.

For a moment he thought of blonde hair, just for a traitorous second, no one would.

The book then, as he'd been thinking about it, made itself known, as it always did.

Quest Alert!

Wedded and bedded.

Get married.

Remember though, who you marry will have a larger effect than you can even realise, and your … potential brides will be limited to certain pools depending on your power. Want to marry whoever you like? Only Kings can do that.

(Note: Only Targaryens can marry multiple wives, but the Faith might want to intervene).

Reward: ?

Failure: Remain alone, die alone.

He looked at the words, the confirmation of what he knew, and thought back to the words in Claiming Your Right.

Claim your ancestors throne, the Iron Throne for yourself.

Was that the way forward? It had taken Margaery being ripped away to make him really think on it, selfish as that was, but was this the only path? Not only to his own happiness, which he knew had to come second, but to Westeros itself?

A knock on the door indicated Robb was collecting him for the hunt, and Jon forced himself to forget on marriage, on his parents, on the Iron Throne.

…

For now.

haha some of you complainted about lovesick jon, I hope you enjoy brooding jon!

but no, jons daliance with romance is paused for a moment (or is it?), as we've got some ... interesting events to come, as well as some plans, did someone say tour? we won't be in kings landing for too much longer...

I do hope you enjoyed this, do please review if you did, your reviews motivate me like nothing else!

see you in march (or maybe even sooner!)