This is Real Life
** This is a longer chapter that I couldn't split up due to content. Sorry not sorry 3 In this chapter there are depictions of abuse, rape, violence, and death. If you are triggered by any of these then feel free to skip this chapter.
This chapter does contain a lot of content about Ajay and her life.**
Ajay couldn't control the sobbing or the tears falling from her face. She wanted to sink into the water until it engulfed her, cut off her oxygen and sent her into slow sleep, one that she couldn't be awoken from. Her brain was scrambled, and she really didn't know what to think or do. The only thing that she could do was sob.
Octavio's heart raced when she questioned him about not letting her die, "Why do you want to die Che?" He held her close to his body, trying to comfort her and himself. He couldn't imagine a life without her. "Silva. I don know what is real. We're married? When? I don remember any of dis." She closed her eyes and just let him hold her. What else could she do; she was at his mercy in a world that she didn't even think was real.
"Che…" He paused trying to find the right words, but she continued to speak, "What did Renee mean? What did ya do ta me Silva?" Octavio sighed because he had a feeling that this wasn't going to go well at all. So instead of dancing around the burning question he had, he just cut right to the chase, "Why did you make a deal with a demigod?"
Ajay choked back tears, "So ya were in my head? Renee was right?" Octavio wasn't worried about the repercussions at this point because what was done was done and over with. Now he wanted answers from her, not some demigod that was probably just playing games with him, "Quit dodging questions Che. You tell me yours and I'll tell you mine." He continued to hold her tight, still afraid to let go of her.
Her body trembled against him, "I can't do dis right now Silva." The pain was becoming overwhelming overshadowing her thoughts, scrambling her fucking braincells, and gnawing away at her insides little by little. "You can't or you won't Che?" Octavio's voice was calm but underneath he was angry that she wouldn't give him a straight answer.
"I can't. I'm hurtin." She was trying to keep her body from convulsing in his arms, but the shaking was growing more violent as each aching second passed. "I need somethin for dis pain." Octavio nodded against her head and released an arm from her only to get it underneath her legs and lift her up with him as he stood up.
As soon as her body touched the air she couldn't control the shaking any longer, and the convulsions started. Octavio hurried to dry her off and get her into the bed in the adjoining room. Once he set her down, he reached into the bedside table drawer and pulled out a syringe. He took her right arm and held it in place as best as he could through her rapid shaking as he uncapped the syringe with his teeth.
She didn't even feel the needle when it went into her upper arm, piercing through her skin and settling in her muscle. After he injected the dilaudid into her and removed the needle a warm sensation quickly flooded her body, and the shaking became minimal. He covered her up and set the empty syringe on the bedside table, "Better?" His tone was cold even though he didn't mean for it to be.
Ajay nodded and sank into the bed, trying to coax her body to calm down. Octavio began to strip off his wet clothing, "On with it then Che." She sighed and closed her eyes as he put on a pair of running shorts; those were his usual 'stay at home attire.' "I don know whatcha want me ta say Silva?" She was finally starting to feel at ease, but she still didn't want to address the interrogation from Octavio.
After dressing himself, he sat down next to her and stared at her for a moment, "Start from the beginning. We have all night." She really had no desire to discuss any of this with him, but she knew if she didn't talk to him then he would continue to ask until she beat her own head against a wall to free herself from the constant question torment. They were both stubborn in their own ways; they always had been.
"I don know Silva. I don know where ta start." Octavio didn't know if she was serious or trying to avoid the questioning or maybe he did fuck with her brain too much and she just couldn't answer. He couldn't just settle for an 'I don know' or anything else at this point; he needed the truth from her, "When did the abuse start Che?" In the back of his mind, as a child, he always knew that something was wrong, but he didn't know it was that wrong. Maybe he was a bad friend for not noticing it but now was not the time for the sorrows of the past.
She couldn't look at him while she answered his question, so she kept her eyes closed as she spoke, "Since I was a baby. Next question." Octavio turned his gaze to the ceiling, "Tell me everything. Why did you make a fucking deal with a gatekeeper of purgatory?" She could tell that he was really trying to hold back the anger in his voice.
"It's not that simple Silva." Ajay laid her forearm over her face, particularly her eyes so that she could avoid his gaze. Octavio shifted in the bed and crawled on top of her, using his hands and knees to keep his weight off of her so that he could hover over her, "Then elaborate." He said the words slowly with anger bubbling underneath his breath.
Ajay tried to think of a way to tell him that was simplified and warranted less questions, but she couldn't think of a good way to simplify her life. She let out a sigh, "Silva. My life was always meant for torment. My mom didn't want children, but she didn't get her way and she got me. My mom wanted the perfect daughter and when the daughter she had wasn't perfect, she made sure to let her daughter know, physically, neglectfully, verbally… It was all abuse… Anyway ta get me ta step back into line and be the portrait perfect version of the daughter that she wanted."
She swallowed hard, her mouth was dry from the medication, "Then I met you. We met at that stupid Gala. There was always a Gala event. I watched ya do whatever the fuck ya wanted and your dad just rolled his eyes and pushed ya away. I secretly wished ta be you. Ta be the kid that was ignored and not hit or made to wear stupid clothing." She trailed off for a moment before continuing.
"Our parents were making deals, as usual, and ya pulled me aside and took me ta the parking lot where ya made me skateboard for the first time. You wouldn't let me fall; ya wouldn't even let me teeter. Ya held my hand the whole time and I felt somethin I had never felt before. Safe. Ya told me that we were goin ta be best friends for life. Ya were my first friend, my only friend."
Ajay took in a staggered breath, "After that we saw each other every day. I would do tings with ya that a perfect daughter wouldn't do. I got to be a normal child and have fun. Every day I was wit ya I forgot about the slapping, the hair pulling, the yelling that I would have ta go back home ta after all our time and adventures togetha." She still couldn't look at him or she would instantly breakdown. She could feel his breath against her forearm and bit her lower lip for a moment, as if the pain would help her refocus on what she needed to say.
"The night ya came over and saw my stitches… movie night. I was supposed ta go wit my parents for some off world business that they were doin. They wanted ta present the perfect family. I refused ta go. I refused ta wear the stupid dress. I didn't want ta be a tool for their notoriety. I wanted ta stay home and spend time wit the only person that made me feel safe."
She paused again because she felt like she was spilling words out of her mouth too fast. "My mom tried ta make me where the stupid dress that she had picked out, and I fought back. We broke a vase and I got blamed for it. She pushed my body into the glass, and she made sure I felt every shard embed into my skin. I wanted ta die that day. I just couldn't take it anymore. I took the largest piece of glass that I could find and slit my skin wide open from the wrist all the way ta the bend of my arm. The moment I did it I felt relief but then I immediately felt regret."
She could feel uncontrollable tears stream down the sides of her face. "It was too late. As the blood poured out of me so did the pain. After that my mom called the family doctor and left. They paid that doctor ta keep family secrets. All of my scars, bruises, broken bones; that man kept it hidden." She sighed because she was getting off topic and she also felt odd about how still Octavio was; he wasn't even talking; it was unusual for him.
Ajay continued and choked back sobbing, "I was left lying on the floor bloody and dying. Then I heard a haunting voice, thick with a Haitian accent. I could barely open my eyes ta see him with his black and red braids, an odd cane, keys at his side. He stared at me with a comforting crimson gaze. He told me that he was the gatekeeper ta the afterlife. He told me he that he could take me away from all of the pain and help me ascend into peace." She blew out a deep breath that she hadn't realized she had been holding in.
"Silva, he's not the gatekeeper of purgatory. He helps the most tormented souls gain peace through death and then helps to guide them into the afterlife; heaven." She could feel Octavio's breathing hasten against her skin but she continued because she knew that he wanted to hear all of it, "I told him no. I could barely speak so the rest of it… He read my thoughts. I didn't want ta die because I couldn't leave ya. I loved ya. Not like friends love each other, I guess I still loved ya dat way too. But I was in love with ya. I loved ya since the day we met. I have never loved anyone else except for you."
She could feel the sheets tighten around her head where his hands were placed. She knew, without looking, that he was gripping them. "Silva. I didn't want ta die because of ya." She couldn't hold back her tears any longer, so she just let them go. Through all of her crying, she tried to steady her voice. "Papa Legba… He told me I would forever live a tormented life. He didn't say how but he told me he could see into my soul, which was an open gate ta my future. Still, I told him I wanted ta live. He told me that I was on death's doorstep and the only way that I could live was to make a deal. A deal wit him."
She was silent just long enough for Octavio to whisper to her, "Che…" She squeezed her eyes together, trying to stop the tears but it didn't seem to work, "He said that he would give me life in exchange for my soul when it was time for me ta leave dis world. I could live for as long as I wanted but when I was finally ready I would have ta stay with him in his realm for eternity since my soul would be his. He told me that if I made that deal with him that I couldn't ascend into the peaceful afterlife. He also said that I couldn't descend because my soul was too pure, and it would be his anyway."
A small sob left her lips, "I made that deal because I wanted ta be wit ya. I fucking loved ya so much that I traded my soul ta be with you. That's how I survived long enough for the medics to make it to me and take me to the hospital otherwise I should have been dead. I had lost too much blood too fast. It didn't matter. The family doctor stitched me up and sent me home half dead." She sobbed again because the more she told Octavio about her past the more she was reminded of her mom, and she fucking hated it.
She licked her dry lips and continued forward with her story, "But as time passed Papa was right. The torment continued but not just from my mom there were others as well. I have been at death's doorstep many times Silva. Every time that I was close ta death papa would pull me into his playground and ask me if I was ready, if it was finally time. It never was. So, I played in his realm until I could find my way out. Probably just a coping mechanism for my body to recover. I always seemed to find my way out and back to ya."
Octavio had so many questions, but he didn't know what to ask first so he settled with the most obvious to him, "What was different about this last time?" Ajay's lower lip quivered like she was cold, but it was only for a moment, "I don know what ya mean. I don't even know if dis is real." Octavio leaned his forehead against her arm for a moment, "This is real." Ajay shook her head, "I don know if it is." Octavio pulled his forehead from her arm and then eased Ajay's arm from her face. He sat down on top of her, straddling her hips. He then flipped her hand over and began tracing the lines on her palm. "It's real Che. I had to go and get you. I had to…"
Ajay interrupted him, "Kill me?" Octavio sighed and stopped tracing so that he could interlock his fingers with hers, "I used Renee's Kunai, specifically, to open a void to get you out of there. Che I have loved you since I set my eyes on you. You were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life. Now you're the most gorgeous woman I have ever laid eyes on. I wanted only you from that moment we met. I am sorry I didn't see all of the torment. I was young and stupid and obviously a bad friend. If I would have known, then I would have taken you away from all of it or taken the torment for you."
She sighed, "Silva. I didn't want ya ta know. I hid it because I knew dat ya had your own shit goin on." He gripped her hand tightly, "Che… why did you want to die?" Ajay opened her eyes and looked up into his, "Because I'm broken Silva. I didn't want ta disappoint ya in the future." Octavio used his free hand to brush tears from her cheek, "You could never disappoint me. Ever. You're perfect. You're it for me. without you there is no me."
She began to sob again, "No Silva. I'm not perfect. Not like ya think I am or not like I should be for ya. Before I went off ta the Frontier I went home, and I was…" She stopped because she didn't know how to say what she was about to tell him. "I remember Che. You didn't seem like yourself on the phone. You called me Tavi. You never call me Tavi. Did your mom do something to you?" He brushed more of her tears away as he asked.
Ajay nodded against his hand that was on her cheek, "She blamed me for being a slut around a family friend. She said that I got what I deserved." Octavio gave her a questioning look because he wasn't understanding. "Silva, I was raped. I was in my own fucking room, listening to music and trying to ignore the party downstairs and then he came in and…"
She couldn't finish her sentence and he didn't blame her, "Che… it's not your fault." She bit her lip and then continued, "That night... I couldn't do anyting Silva. I was listenin to music, on my stomach, in my own bedroom. I was cut up, hit in the head so hard that I had a concussion, and I was raped. I didn't find out about the concussion until I walked barefoot ta the hospital. I told, my mom but she just told me I deserved it and that I was a slut for even insinuating that one of their friends at the party they were having that night would even do that unless I coaxed them into doin it. "Che.." He whispered.
"Silva, please. I need ya ta hear this. When I was at the hospital with nurse Lucy, thankfully she was there. The doctor told me that it was very unlikely that I would ever have children because of all of the…" Octavio cut in, "Because of the bullet? From the Gala night?" Ajay shook her head, "No because of the years of abuse. And I know that ya want kids and I can't give ya that. After I went back to Papa's playground, dis last time, I thought that I should just die because then I wouldn't have to disappoint you in the future. Bein in his playground just reminded me of how fucking broken I was." She sobbed out the last part.
"No no no no Che." He leaned down and hovered his face just above hers. "Che. I don't care about kids. The thought of having something like a kid with you is nice but I don't care. I just want you. I need you. I need you forever. You are not broken. You are mine and you are everything. You are perfect and the only person I want and need. This is real. I need you to know that this, right now, is real. We are real. I need you to remember everything. I need you to remember us."
She looked into his beautiful emerald eyes, and she could see the sincerity, the love, the longing. Even though she couldn't remember 'them' she trusted him. She trusted what he was telling her. "I don remember, I'm sorry…" Maybe with time she would, "But I need ya too Silva, forever." She closed the gap between them and pressed her lips against his. He leaned into her, pushing her hand that he was holding, into the bed above her head. He held her cheek in his other hand and kissed her back hard.