I wake up every night to see the state I'm in
It's like an endless fight I never seem to win.
I can't go on, as long as I believe
I can't let go when I keep wondering
Where are you now?
What have you found?
Where is your heart? When I'm not around?
Where are you now?
You gotta let me know, oh baby, so I can let you go.
WHERE ARE YOU NOW?
Britney Spears /…Oops I did it Again
Released in 2000
PROLOGUE,
(the past, setting the stage)
December 2003
Degrassi Community School,
Grade 9 Hallway Lockers outside Ms. Haztilacos's Science Room
Toronto, Canada
The day before the holiday break, the end of the first term during the 2003-04 school year was the last time Sean Cameron saw Emma Nelson in the flesh.
He watched in stoic silence as she packed her locker albeit her life, took out the essentials, held Manny in a warm embrace, and kissed Chris goodbye with her locker's contents in a big cardboard box on the ground.
Sean was like a stone, clad in baggy clothes, listening to loud, dirty, explicit, rap music emitting inside and echoing outside his enormous headphones canceling the outside world out. He was admittedly a little stoned from a smoke session with Jay and Alex behind the gym bleachers and has returned to his normal spot by his locker awaiting the last bell. He didn't move from that spot. What could he say that he hadn't already? He didn't understand or it didn't hit him this may be it for them, and he didn't know it but it'd be years before he saw her again but it'll never truly be the same.
It even felt significant. Once she walked away from her friends waving goodbye, she looked once back taking in the moment, and locked eyes for a split second, and then she disappeared. All that was left behind and remained on the hallway floor was a single photograph when he had to walk across the hall later on. It was a photograph of them at the summer carnival grand opening of The Dot Grille before the beginning of the school year.
They were the first customers. The manager took a picture on his antiquated Polaroid camera. An exciting and distant memory that unfortunately didn't make the cut to take with her on her new journey. Figures, he thought to himself. He felt he deserved that. Intentional or not it wound up as a remnant, perhaps the only remnant he recovered it put it in his pocket to take home. It was clear to him that wherever she'd go he'd never forget her, and the words on the tip of his tongue will only torment him as years go by. His bitter regret, the lack of closure, and the look on her face the moment they locked eyes in that crowded hall, in the same room breathing the same air but distant, forever etched, imprinted on his memory and burdening him like being stabbed in the heart like a thousand knives, the crude blade cuts him like a knife. By this point, he had moved on outwardly, but he never really wanted her to cease to exist in their school or be ripped from his world.
It was hard for her, their split. She fought it, and he dismissed her, she later suspected him of theft, and in his denial and such he lost her, and then she gave up, moved on with Chris and now she's moving away.
The story was that Jacob submitted a demo to his connection at a record company, he captured the sound byte as they were all messing around having a silly jam session at Chris' on a Friday Night with Manny and Craig. They just found out they were pregnant, and Emma wanted to cheer her up so she and Craig tagged along. Before that fateful evening, Emma was a strict shower singer, a wallflower, the occasional karaoke or car singing with Manny when she was studying for her permit or singing with mom on drives to grandmother Christine's who lived maybe an hour or two away. She wasn't made for the stage. She couldn't believe they, the executives and AR representatives wanted her to audition for the record deal.
In the dark, Sean asked around subtlety, not being one for the social scene and circles, and found out what exactly happened. Since he didn't have the best relationship with Mr. Simpson at that time and has kept his distance since he stole his laptop, didn't confide in him or dare ask him about Emma. He couldn't bear for Mr. Simpson to be disappointed in him, it would destroy him. He kept it to himself. Instead, he masked his grief and was moved on with Ellie by this point. They were casually dating when Emma skipped town for greener pastures, he met her in Saturday detention.
He'd never been there if it hadn't been for Emma's accusations, Ellie suspected him too secretly recording him and had this angle at first about him being involved in the ongoing theft or at the very least Sean being privy to who could be pillaging the student council offices, classrooms, and resource rooms of their technology for cash for the cars, a hell of a motive for Sean to steal for petty cash to work on cars when he has a fully stocked room in the auto shop with Mr. Elh, another guy he would hate to disappoint. Before Ellie and Amy, Jay and the rest of the Candy Bandit bunch, Emma was this guiding light in his life. His biggest fear is disappointing the people who thought the world of him. Emma, Mr. Simpson tied to Emma, and last but certainly not least Mr. Elh. He couldn't give a rat's fat ass about what Raditch had to say, he showed him no respect, and Sean was happy to return the favor to follow suit. He holds resentment still from dear old mom and dad tight to his collar, and Tracker at that time too especially when he bailed on him, for the job to Alberta with his girlfriend and they've got a baby on the way and Sean is a distant memory.
Life goes on, after that he had The Candy Bandits, souped-up cars, the bad reputation, another month left of Saturday detentions Mr. Raditch handed down to him and kept adding until he finally shut his mouth, a tanking grade point average, the risk to losing the student welfare through Mr. Elh again on thin ice, skipping a lot to smoke weed and cigarettes, a far cry from honor roll with bad marks, a fridge with beer, some chocolate cake, chocolate bars stolen from the vending machine silent Towerz rigged to get free stuff, and the crappy apartment Tracker left behind with a lifetime of regrets and could've, should've would've to wrestle with for years.
Just one short year back in time, he was happy and the happiest he had ever been, and he took it all for granted and now things are just awful, plain awful. Everything was fucked. Emma and him were finally back together at that time, and officially boyfriend and girlfriend and rock solid. She was proud of him, and how far he'd come in their time apart. He had this great dynamic and rapport with Mr. Simpson, and her mom even doted on him after they had that minor hiccup where he got drunk and misread her, all in all in a nutshell all was well. She was surprisingly cool about that considering he lashed out, she drove him home and they all talked that night and they believed in him and just were genuine. He traded them for thugs, criminals, and serial thieves, sham friends whose only motivations were street racing, stealing, skipping class, dismissing curfews and he was in real danger of losing his year, he didn't care about school anymore. Emma was the only reason he had enough of an average to slide by in the first quarter term. Unfortunately, most good things come to an end, he lost it all and gained himself a bruised heart and a shell to climb into. All that was left for Sean, were photographs and bittersweet memories coupled with the soul-crushing regret that didn't manifest well. He never even said goodbye, she didn't either not even an effort just that look when their eyes met, and as years went by that regret ate him alive like a parasite. The last words he said to Emma he didn't even remember, but the last real moment they had when he didn't want to talk to her about a month before her leaving. He lived in his head and he mentally kicked himself for that, he supposed it was some karmic thing, payback, or a punishment for not being good to her or cherishing those short fleeting moments. Did she leave because of him, or was it more about her dreams? Where was Emma going? Why did her family stay in town? Sometimes he'd be desperate to find out what happened and reach out to Emma and his old friends, like Toby and JT, Craig, or Manny in the days and weeks that followed.
He and Manny especially were in different social cliques and circles, he later found out Manny was dealing with some fallout with her family, disowned because she was pregnant with Craig's baby and that was a big scandal for the school, her family, rumor mill spinning, reputation trashed, all her social climbing and such came to crumble and she was this pariah and didn't have many friends when she was dropped from spirit squad and the girls would look down on her, Ashley and her friends tormenting her and gossiping only added fuel to the fire. Liberty in a shocking development stood by Manny, and though Emma was gone too corresponded with Manny daily and they patched up their relationship. Chris Sharpe Emma's most recent boyfriend, split up before she left because he knew it was the end of their shortlived romance they didn't have high hopes for a long-distance romance. He played a part, a role and there were no hard feelings. They weren't together long, they still speak though. He moved to the States and they've crossed paths but strictly they remain platonic friends. Nine or so months later, Manny had her daughter, Katrina Manning who they affectionately called Kat or Kitty. Joey finally heated up the garage to prepare for Manny and Craig and transformed the garage into a living space akin to a loft for Manny, Craig, and Baby Kitty. He dug out Angie's old crib and changing table from the basement and reassembled it with Craig's help.
Overall, it wasn't easy, or fun, but in his experience, it 'takes a village' and at the very least they all had each other. Joey was happy to have them around, and a woman's touch around the house. Joey always made Manny feel welcome. Of course, Joey and Craig were outnumbered by three girls and he and Joey were in their corner and were always supportive,
Joey was initially disappointed in Craig, he welcomed Manny and the impending baby with open arms. Angie was a big help too. She took baby Kitty under her wing. Manny got a job at The Dot waiting tables for some money to support them and stayed in school. Joey never wanted her to sacrifice her education and looked after the baby even bringing her to Jeremiah Motors Lot. The customers loved her. Craig too, stayed in school and even though his friends hated it, Ashley's evil looks and things, Manny and Craig were an official full-fledged couple. They had the normal quintessential high school life, afternoons and after school, nights they spent at home. Their grades were great because they didn't have time for parties and outings. Craig sold his guitar for diapers and formula and gave up on his music dreams. Craig and Manny both after high school eventually got better jobs and commutied carpooled at TU. Manny was very involved in the arts. She studied theatre and dance and was in various productions throughout the years she attended. She acts in local productions, sometimes she directs the summer stage and is involved and wears many hats. She still ice skates and is an instructor and when Angela and Kitty were in dance together she taught them, they were to call her there, Miss. Manny is like their classmates. She was a little hard on them, but ultimately she taught them well. Angela had a full ride to Julliard in New York and interned at the Pennsylvania and New York Ballet. She does tour, like Emma for dancing, and might audition to be on tour with Emma as a backup dancer for her next "Lucky" tour. For Christmas, Angela is home with Joey and everyone else in their full house. They wouldn't have it any other way.
Manny and Emma correspond and Emma never visits Craig, Manny, and Katrina of course but they come out to see Emma pretty often a few times a year when they can get away from work and school. With the holidays fast approaching, the Jeremiah house is buzzing for the upcoming visit of Emma's first return home for the first time in over a decade.
Katrina and Angela have been assisting in the cleanup. Angela hasn't seen her former babysitter in a while, is on winter break for her final year of school, and has grown significantly taller since her last trip with family looking more and more like Julia every day. She's preparing for the close of her university years and embarking on the scary future at this point, she and not-so-little Jack, Emma's younger half-brother are close like a big sister-little brother situation he's a year older than Kitty, and Angela is set to graduate from school in the spring and has been accepted in quite a few programs and can't wait to talk to Emma about her dream to work with her as a dancer in the upcoming tours. In the years Emma was largely absent, life went on and people grew up and apart or even together. Sean went through some difficult times. He is pretty quiet, and he had plenty of opportunities to settle down, girls seemed to fawn and chase him but he had given up on finding true love, scoffing at it as if it were a cliche and hardened his heart and become a little bitter and cynical on that topic. Jay, Alex, Amy, Towerz, and all try setting him up with their friends, but it rarely goes well.
Ellie and him are very off and on, revolving door. With Ellie constantly battling the bottle, suffering from alcoholism the apple didn't fall too far from the tree. She was high-functioning for a long time, and she had some good jobs but her resume has gaps and inconsistencies. When they're on break Sean's been into casual meetups, and hookups and doesn't spend a whole lot of time between work obligations and spends time in bars not for the drinking but for the ambiance, the conversation, the vibe, and the social aspect his penchant for people watching. As hopeless as it sounds, he watches, waiting and missing Emma and hoping one night she'd walk through the threshold of whatever nearby dive he visited. So far, he's still waiting, like Richard Marx. Wherever she went, whatever he'd do, he'd be right here waiting for her. Whatever it takes, and how through the years his heart broke. He was and will remain until her return in the least desperate of times, for better or for worse, someday, and somehow he'll be waiting in the wings. They weren't necessarily oceans apart, but time and distance do a funny thing, but it's no laughing matter to him. He hides it well but his closest friends can see through his thinly veiled secret or not hopeless hopes. Don't get it twisted though, he has a life outside of pining and being the mushy-hearted, broken heart, an unmovable and stubborn fella with a dark side and all but he certainly made the choices that kept him here.
Fear is a motivator. Fear for Ellie, which is why he allows her to stick by. In his heart of hearts, he was once very much invested, and in love. As years went on, circumstances changed, words became worthless, declarations of love and personal and future plans became irrelevant but he'd be lying if he had no love or even sorrow for how things became and a mess they had both contributed in the codependent ways. They were never what you call traditional. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, at least it was a home. More times than he could count he thought Ellie reached her last evening on the planet with her mental health, stress, less than satisfactory hygiene, and overall on this steady decline for the past five years, it's been the worst. They've talked, fought tooth and nail, day in and day out, sometimes they patch it up and make it work, so it wasn't for a lack of trying. A man with two hearts, why is it that his heart wanders it's purely a combination of circumstances and heart. The two E's, Ellie and Emma.
Ellie is not naive, she's made mistakes. She has a laundry list of regrets. She's not stupid either, she knows she's not the only one who's in his heart. Sean's heart is a vast ocean of secrets. Naturally, Emma somehow pries them from him no matter how he protests, her gentle nature. Ellie for some reason unknown to her can't open as easily to. Sometimes their bond is unspoken, confusing, and a lot more than meets the eye. It's often tragic, but such is life.
Now on Ellie, she's a journalist and a writer, a college grad with a Master's working slowly toward a doctorate degree, and very intelligent but when she drinks she can't stop. She can't have just a drink, it's got to be a binge until she gets sick and it pisses away her potential. She's lost a lot, but she cradles the bottle as if it were the only thing that mattered. Her mom is endstages of liver failure, and she's following down a dangerous self-destructive path thanks to genetics.
It's part of the reason they're so dysfunctional and he feels immense pain because he directs his pain inward, and blames himself for her condition because he bought her first drink. He misses the old Ellie before. Another regret, she didn't want to drink, and for a time it was under control, and was able to stop at any time, and would even say, "I can stop.", but then it was fun and it tasted good to her, and of course her cursed genetics reared their ugly head and there wasn't a lot of time before the drinks became weekly, daily, monthly, hourly.
Before long came the troubles including and not limited to, driving drunk, traffic tickets, warrants because of piles of unpaid parking tickets, towing costs, being banned from bars, unpaid tabs, cards declining, fights, from single box of cigarette's to cartons, to lost jobs, to being ejected from things, missing things because of her unpredictable moods, oversleeping, daily hangovers, alcohol poisoning and near death experiences, sneaking alcohol, lying about consumption, finding mini bottles all over the place in purses, paying for liquor with penny's because it's not quite payday, locking up bottles, fights where one or the other are moving in and out, no stability, suicidal tendencies, relapsing, bounding back, cleaning up, cheating with mutliple partners, blackouts, AA meetings, breaking up, making up, cool with mom for a time and not the next, the lies piled on lies, the house, a pigsty butts and littered with liquor bottles and handles and jugs, red solo cups, impromptu parties, noise complaints, slamming doors, broken glass, accidental fires, emergencies abound and that's just the tip of the iceberg, and the costs would stack up outweighing any benefit to their situation.
They barely made rent and Ellie's checks would be gone within the weekend. Sometimes she'd pick up odd jobs are local clubs on the hush to help coup her losses, she gambles and drinks too she has a problem.
Sean's job though great had to be the sole income. They still live together, practically roommates and sometimes friends but Sean is struggling and holding back his bitterness and waiting for her to find another life to destroy or a means to an end and move out. They fight over stupid things, Ellie still holds the past over his head, choosing to forget, or maybe skewed narrative in the same token the very fact she'd be homeless if it wasn't for Sean.
Ellie deep down knows she's not high on his list of priorities, and is aware she's not well but she at this point thinks this is it, and how it is, and how it's likely always going to be. She perhaps wasn't cut out for true love, or he puts up with her so maybe this is love. Sean supposes this is what it is, his parents did it so maybe this is it? Sean's really truly at the heart of it only been in love once. She looked a hell of a lot different. The way Sean sees it, Emma Nelson was the one who got away, and Ellie was an arrangement, a distraction, a roomie to split living costs with, and arguably a succubus who dragged him down to the lowest of low points, he stays complacent because he doesn't want to be alone, but he doesn't want to be tied to her in the same breath. He fears what would happen if she was left to her own devices, she's been violent before, and she's resorted to cutting again a little and thinks he doesn't notice. He doesn't want her to die or end up like her mom and his parents, somehow he's the bad guy and the punching bag and doormat despite his best efforts to keep her alive. She bleds him dry and stole his peace, leeching off and feeding off benefitting off their once beautiful past that he questions even now if he knew it was going to be this way some fifteen years ago.
He never in a million years thought he'd be in this situation.
He knows as he stood at his front stoop she'd be home "working" on her laptop, chain-smoking cigarettes, dishes piled up sky high in the sink, the room would smell like stale cigarettes, old food, TV on, every light in the house, a mess of doordash fast food containers at her office desk in the living room, working on a freelance gig or working from home, when in reality she's probably been sacked or they scaled back, or freelance gig falls through, always an excuse. Like she was let go the last time she drank at the office and got terminated and basically fired, laid off is what she tells herself because it's "not that out of hand". Sean knows Ellie is smart, they both had alcoholic parents, and they know how the story ends. It looks bad because it is.
Nothing she could say at this point or do to change this, this is as good as it is and will ever be between them, and it still could be worse and it will probably end up horrible and that is a huge and real fear. His huge fears are finding her choked to death from alcohol poisoning, unconscious, or worse, dead. There are also other bad case cautionary tale types irreversable damage to her organs from nearly 15 years of drinking consistently daily basis, bleeding out lying on the floor, or getting an infection from self-harm. At this point, he's got to pick his battles, and she uses words like poison, like silver bullets piercing him when all he wants to do is wash his hands of her, this situation but his fear keeps him paralyzed. A part of her knows about her being on thin ice, so she'll sip her liquor on the rocks and worry about it if the day ever comes when he finds his way out. Until then, cheers.
Sean truly thought she was under control, and he tried to slink by on eggshells. He still will never abandon the things he used to do for his mom and dad such as he tucks her in when she passes out in bed or in front of the glow of late-night television or even at her desk. Wakes up to her hacking and yacking the next day. He can't make a sound or do anything, not even cook sometimes because the smell makes her sick because she's recoopering and then hare of the dog and the cycle endless infinite again. It's not for a lack of trying. She physically is so dependent that sobriety puts her out of commission in other ways, both sexually her drive is nonexistent, they don't have date nights because she's kind of been banned by almost every club and bar in town, Sean is ashamed to even bother showing up to certain ones because he was a witness, he was her escort and he very well had been banned as well for doing absolutely nothing wrong. Ellie turns into a completely different girl when she drinks, coupled with her unmanaged mental health issues and inability to handle herself around social situations without blacking out or getting sick. He doesn't know how she survived some nights. She's been to the hospital. She's tried stopping on her own. She's been to AA, there's always hope but she always relapses. He lost count. It becomes moot to talk about it. He's begged and pleaded, she's stolen from him and all of her friends no one trusts her, and she has very small groups of friends. She's got a sketchy trail of others as well that Sean fears hell find her dead or in worse shape than now. She sticks by home, her safe place.
Why bother trying to convince her to drop drinking? He is deathly afraid of the look on her face. Sometimes she claims she hadn't drunk but he suspects she has reinforcements. If the store is closed. At least she doesn't drive, the girl wouldn't be able to get a license or keep a license. She only so far had a DUI that she paid off and was practically a warning. She finished paying that off as soon as possible to get off the hook and back off the wagon. If it happens again, he has no doubt the punishment would be steeper. He knows from family and ex-con friends or people he knew from around who went to jail before with priors and such and you can't drink in jail or prison. What would she do then? She threatened him once and shoved him for tipping her concerned sickly mother off that she started cutting again last month. Sean since then tried to be as hands-off for now. For years it's messed up their once potential-filled romance and turned into an obligation. He just changed the locks on her though, she's a human despite behaving the way she is. She needs help but she doesn't want to do it. She's practically giving up, so needy and it's a shame considering who she was. She's so burnt out and her mental health is awful, her emotional maturity is so young and stunted.
Sometimes she hides it well and goes through periods of normal jobs and such and other opportunities and she's very published but at home, she's a different kind of woman. Nowadays those times are few and far between. Some nights are so bad he has to intervene or he could be waking up to police and ambulance, and she fights him every step of the way. He's never struck her, never been violent toward her, and speaks to her kindly without judgment but inside he just wants to scream. He left Wasaga to get away from these things years ago, and now he's helping destroy his ex-girlfriend who is in worse shape than his parents ever were. Sean's paid a lot of money getting her help, she checks out early and returns back home. Is good for a time and slides back and relapses. He feels like she thinks it's a game. Addiction is strong in her life it runs in her family and his like a generational curse that she managed to inherit. It is a tragedy. He's not a prayer or church guy, nor does he put much stock in but he's been known to pray she'd get her life together, even if it's without him. He prays she survives and comes out of this.
He regrets deep down how he treated Emma, how he loved her yet took her for granted, resented her for being a good girlfriend and friend who would defend him to others and saw the good in him only to be left disappointed and heartbroken by what he'd done to her. Who was there for her family too, and had a family who loved her and arguably loved him too he regrets never telling her about his true feelings for her, which never really changed much, and when her poor step-dad was sick, he wasn't there for her when she struggled, with the new baby simultaneously, dealing with the morbid reality of life and death with Snake's sudden diagnosis and prognosis and Sean unaware or aware of how deep of an impact added insult to injury, made a mountain out of a tiny molehill selfishly made it about himself when he could've been supportive like the way she had been to him He had his big opportunity to rise above in patient genuine and he chose to make it into something it wasn't and they both suffered. His problems then were so minuscule and mediocre and not that it was a contest, nothing compared to her burdens.
When they had the screaming match he brushed off her feelings got mad and almost resorted to violence which was terrifying. She didn't just give up, instead, she cooled off and Sean cooled on Emma to freezing and tepid and his anger led the way. All she wanted was to talk it out, pleading with her golden and heartbreakingly beautiful brown eyes holding something in her hands. A note? A sign? He wasn't paying attention. He wished he did. If he knew it would be the last real shot he had at a genuine human connection in words he would give anything to change the outcome. Like Jimmy Stewart in A Wonderful Life, if he could he would.
To make matters worse, the night before he got drunk drowned out his sorrows blacked out, and said horrible things embarrassing things, or jokes at Emma's expense with his new friends and drinking buddies because he was just so angry at her and the things she said, and he said but he left out and blamed it all on her. How dare she think of him as pathetic? He thought she was an A-cup at most. Alex wasn't a fan and was very vocal stoking the fire to incinerate what they built in three years' time to ash, and Amy hung on Sean's every word and just ate it up because she wanted to be his. They did date for a time, but she had more issues than Seventeen magazine she was hot and cold, a player, a compulsive liar, and a drunk. She hated it when he started dating Ellie, was extremely jealous, and didn't respect boundaries. He let it all pass because it was the 'cool' thing to do. They didn't make it a year together, they split up because Amy wanted to see this guy Jay was friends with in the Montreal Boyz clique who from Sean's limited experience with them seemed dangerous and deep into drug dealing, theft, and every crime imaginable. Their shortlived fling fizzled out Amy came crawling back drank and drank to blackout and then scared everyone.
If you were to talk to Amy now about Ellie she would've giggled and probably became her best friend and of course drank right alongside her.
Sadly, Amy is six feet under. She died at 22 years old of a drug overdose, she left behind a daughter named Gia, who was a toddler at that time, and she was then placed into foster care but he never found out the whole story until much later. It haunts him because he couldn't help, not that he had kept in touch when she dropped out after a while in her junior year.
He didn't really know Amy's family except her dad. He was a trucker and couldn't take care of Amy. Widower situation: Sean was never one to pry dealing with his own things and what he knew to be true, he didn't really know the story of her mom. He figured it wasn't good. He's not surprised it was messy. One night deep conversations led to shedding some light on the lives before they crossed baths and Amy got too high and blamed herself for it all and tearfully admitted her mom died in childbirth. She never knew her. She knew limited information, she was fourteen a runaway, a drug addict in search of her next high and getting by, her dad was on a route out of state and possibly in the United States, and then months later she came along. Her dad was old as dirt so that sounded like a gross situation. If he remembered correctly, she didn't have an extended family really to speak of. Her daughter Gia would be a young teen by now, she is most likely Katrina's age.
He always knew had a feeling and felt the energy of her dad and it gave him heebie-jeebies when he came over to the house. Putting it plainly, her dad was a weird guy, weird might be an understatement. He never felt comfortable around him when he was around he avoided him. He smoked like a chimney and always offered him beer and cigarettes and could care less if Sean slept over. He asked a lot of questions about him, perhaps that was his way of finding out things. Amy and he didn't have a traditional relationship from what he knew and would observe. He was a pretty hands-off parent who let Amy do whatever she wanted, he drank a lot when he wasn't off driving the trucks, and was far from being the father of the year or a role model. It never seemed like he really wanted Amy in the first place and made her aware she was a burden and would speak ill of her dead mother. Sean suspects something sinister in him, but it wasn't really confirmed but he was very suspicious. Amy implied disgusting things he's done, and supposedly Alex hated him and she implied that he tried to touch her inappropriately once during a sleepover when she was using the bathroom. Sean vaguely remembered he had this stupid dinky laptop from Rent-a-Center paying off little by little, and he was talking to random Russian women in chatrooms, and sometimes he'd be in his room with a can of cheap beer playing with himself but he couldn't really see it or prove it was wrong, he just knew that it was. In the little shared bathroom in the back, there was a wicker basket with a stack of Playboys by the toilet. Sean wasn't naive and did the math. It was a sickening situation all around.
When they were together when Sean was rebounding Emma, Sean, and Amy had free range of Amy's small trailer in their short time together and were very affectionate and hormonal and were all over each other and in Amy's room constantly. He was either home and weird, or he was away on a trip or route and not around which gave them a lot of time to get busy in all senses of the word. Sean only really liked Amy because she had the reputation of being physically experienced, and more importantly easy.
Sometime after their split, or even before because she had a strong libido and had an inability to settle down, she slept around for a long time.
She met an older guy at the diner after she dropped out, where she worked to get by financially when her dad was out of town but turned into more. Down the line, one thing led to another and before long she was strung out on heroin and crystal meth, and later further down the line the spiral led to a positive pregnancy test, double pink lines. She ignored it for a long time, hid it, couldn't deal and thought her drug-induced lifestyle would end it. She threw herself down the stairs once according to Alex.
There was a rumor, this new guy who introduced her to heroin eventually would pimp her out to people, dealers, and friends for money to get their fixes, and her daughter was born somehow miraculously completely healthy. She was constantly being taken away by child aid and they were investigated too but managed to keep her. Sean can only assume her daughter has seen some horrible things. Her boyfriend was later soon busted for drugs and suspected of prostitution, trafficking charges, and not to mention multiple assaults.
Then it was just Amy and her daughter, but she still kept the job at the diner even in the midst of her addiction. She eventually moved back in with her dad and whatever happened Sean could only assume it was a dangerous situation for both mother and daughter, and he went on a route for work. The story was Amy went on a bender that lasted several days, and then she was found to be dead about three or four days went by. By the time her father returned to town, he opened the door and the pungent smell was enough to kill someone or at least knock them out. He heard sobbing and silence he remained like stone and was disgusted.
When he discovered her, he was more worried about the damage to the trailer. Amy behind the partially open bathroom door with a needle in her arm surrounded by and with other paraphernalia dead and her skin grayed, blue-lipped, lying on her back. The coroner says the official cause of death ruled an accidental overdose. At this point she was less than 90 pounds, she went down like a lead balloon with a lethal dose.
Poor young Gia found herself an orphan at the age of two. According to his EMT buddy who frequents Sean's garage, Amy's daughter Gia was discovered sobbing in filthy clothes and a full diaper outside the bathroom door crying for Amy. It was a horrific scene. Mr. Peters-Hoffman did do right by Amy and called 911. A bunch of first responders, EMT, police, people from Children's Aid questions, and an attempt at rescue weren't enough. Had he returned a few days earlier, there was a small chance, a hope she could've survived this, but she had been dead for quite some time, estimated two days. Amy was a lost cause and another sad statistic.
Needless to say, Gia went into foster care, because the house wasn't suitable for a child and Amy's father just simply wasn't able to take on Gia between his work schedule and the condition of their trailer. He barely was able to raise Amy, he failed her just like he failed his granddaughter. Sean can only hope the daughter Amy left behind could break the vicious family cycle of drug abuse, general abuse, overall neglect, and violence of the generation that preceded her but that remains to be seen. At the very least, maybe this part of life was blocked out like white out and she found a loving family who would do what Amy, her father who is incarcerated, and Amy's father didn't. Despite only hearing this information second hand, he has no certainty some things were embellished but rumors after high school are mostly hearsay but it didn't surprise him given what he did know to be true, or from personal experience with the Peters-Hoffman twisted family tree or at least his limited time spent with Amy's dad.
Sean sometimes will head on over the ACE Hardware on the corner of Badger Avenue a block from Amy's Trailer Park and he'll run into him buying tools or hanging outside of the storefront with a cigarette in his hand. He's left to contemplate. He'll politely softly grin closed bittersweet really, but he's left to contemplate. With his mistakes and nondescript regrets of how he destroyed with neglect, he's sure to have stories of his own fucked up childhood that he managed to saddle Amy with that responsibility of healing and the unfortunate causes of her death he was definitely responsible for. She didn't have a fair chance, her penchant for alcohol and vices led her to an early grave. At the end of her life she hadn't anybody in her life, Alex and Amy drifted sometime after high school when Alex wanted to better her life and continue school and enroll in community college before shit with her mom and her felon boyfriend Chad reached a terrifying boiling point where his violent temper got out of hand, police were called and he was sent to prison. Alex and her mom put a restraining order and for once in their lives they were free, Alex moved with her Aunt in Ajax but would come up and visit. Her mom Emily still lives nearby and despite working a graveyard shift at a store like 7-11, couldn't really make ends meet and eventually got on government assistance to help with food, rent, and utilities. Alex would send some monetary care packages and food her way.
If Amy's ultimate death taught him anything it's that he shouldn't let anyone go to bed angry, unresolved, tension had to be mended, dealt with, communicated honestly, calmly and rationally, realistically because you never know what the moments, last kiss, last embrace, last words, and final breaths could be. To make things count, Sean grew up as the guy who would make things complicated, led around by his temper, blame circumstances or others for his problems, and now he's a different kind of guy. He had grown a lot since high school, he was definitely miles away from being that guy but the hurt was all the same, the sentiment, his list of regrets miles long, and his heart that had stayed here in the hope that someday Emma will come back in some capacity kept him going because just like he failed with Amy, arguably Ellie, and the young girl Emma was, he was going to break that cycle, the habit of holding things, boiling and festering in his heart and mind waiting for a hairpin to trigger it all and manifest in the worst of ways, resorting back to his worst of qualities and habits, and change for better for worse. For twenty years of stewing, it'll be a hell of a bomb with all hell to break loose.
If Sean ever had the chance to clear the air with Emma, in a heartbeat he'd be there, present, listening, with bells on, he'd hop on one foot, walk across broken glass, sing the songs, say the right words whatever they need to be, do the dance, with a clear mind, clear heart and arms open arms wide open. All of it and he didn't care if he meant nothing to her at this time, if she berated him, hated him, unleashed her fury because he was sure she'd be a force to reckon with after all of these years, he'd take it. Anything is better than this. Whatever the arrangement, it had always been Emma. Sean checked out of Ellie's mess despite still living together a long time ago, a lease is all that's left of them. Sean's praying for a miracle, and he's not one for church but also a prayer, a Starlight Starbright wish, talking to the moon, the stars, a shooting star, a wish upon an airplane, and wishing it was a shooting star, he could use a wish right now.
He listens to the cryptic songs she pens, replacing the rap on the noise-canceling earphones as he sits at his computer after work at night, or when he hits the gym, he lurks the online fandom communities on Face Range, peeps her socials from afar, fighting the urge to slide into her DM's or make himself noticeable at an arm's length Although geographically distant, far off, unattainable, enigmatic and beautiful, miles out of his league, he dreams drenched in vanilla twilight in the least creepy way, he's not obsessed but she's inescapable. Sometimes he thinks back to simpler happier times and wonders what was the point where it all went wrong. The way sees it the further away she is, the safer she may be even though he misses her deeply. Sean wishes she were around. It's like she's dead, gone but never forgotten like this phantom. She whether she's aware of this or not creeps into his heart on late nights, at the supermarket on The Late Shows, and at the movies in the previews.
She's literally the girl he sees on television, the girl he sees online is a far cry from the girl he used to know, and it's very much a front and a facade, a veneer, compensating like a guy in a rather large pickup truck equivalent. She comes off like she tries too hard. She has everything she could've ever dreamed of and more like a human Barbie doll. She models, dances, sings, is physically fit, in shape, does yoga for fun, she's supposedly a great tipper, hardworking, she's still very much an activist and an environmental crusader, has a lot of creative control in her jobs, financially secure, has deep passions, a voice not only musically but in all realms, she never lost her moxy, and she only aged like a fine wine. She sells out arenas and is rich beyond her wildest dreams. She's deep down very closed, even shy, and super guarded and exists in the public eye. Her life is constantly viewed under this microscope, if you could believe it considering who she was in school and who she's grown to be Sean can't believe it's the same person.
He always looks at pictures and videos on social media and public and paparazzi shots appearances and tries and fails to hide things from Ellie. She's aware he's got a mildly soft spot for their hometown hero and former classmate, Sean's ex-girlfriend, Manny's best friend, daughter of Spike the lead stylist at the mall salon, and Mr. Simpson, Degrassi Community's now principal's daughter. The girls admire her, even the ones who hated her and ragged, or gave her a hard time back then want to be just like her. The guys who would've never looked her way, want to date her, and maybe even do her. Sometimes he suspects there's a song or two about him, even if it's wishful thinking.
With Sean with Ellie, Emma did do some dating of her own. She did have this serious relationship with this rapper guy thug wannabe from the States. He was a total asshat, according to some reports.
He was a tool-looking guy known as MC Dice who was sort of this Eminem rip-off for the teenyboppers of the Gen Z era. Eminem himself sees through him, as he should and rightfully so does diss tracks on this guy, MC Dice sometimes known as Dice is a cross between Post Malone, a young Eminem, and maybe boyish good looks like NSYNC's Justin Timberlake dressed kind of like he's trying to be 'gangsta'. He kind of looks like Sean did, way back in his slim shady days. Much like Sean and Emma, of course, had a messy breakup. He wasn't very nice to her in and out of the relationship according to reports. Sean threw away or sold off his records after the fall out but he wasn't really a big fan of that guy so parting with MC Dice was par for the course. At first, when they first got together and it was all over the internet and news cycle, tabloid fodder, he thought he was a little pretentious as he was humorous but after what he did to Emma in the press, he was done with him.
He still tries to ride her coattails believe it or not. Dice will put out an album and it's honestly his claim to fame that he dated the elusive, exclusively private, more famous than him by a long shot, Lucky. He was lucky she gave him the time of day. According to TMZ, she and Dice had been split up for close to five years by now, and they had been together off and on for about 10 years friends, turned friends with benefits, relationship, called off back to friends with benefits, a situationship filled with lies, Dice cheating rumors, and a failed engagement.
After the final split, catapulted himself to new heights through their failed relationship feeding stories about their relationship and leading the eventual fallout where he continues to rub her name in the sand and dirt at any opportunity to extend his fifteen minutes of fame and expand on it in a cruel way. What had she done to him?
He didn't deserve her, Sean would sneer, shaking his head, when he'd read something in the market the impulse tabloid magazines, or on his smartphone on the news outlets. Some people called it a PR stunt, not a genuine love connection. Sean believed it wasn't as black and white as people initially thought. They were everywhere. It was nauseating, annoying, tabloid fodder and starred in some videos for their efforts and he had her inked on his arm. He covered it up the second they split for the final time. He's a big goofball, he doesn't respect anyone and doesn't seem like he respects her or her privacy and was able to cut a check airing out dirty laundry for extra cash to support his lifestyle. They got famous around the same time, started out as friends and such, and grew up together as they did have a genuine friendship, and he was jealous. Sean was no stranger to the green-eyed monster himself.
He in line at the grocery store sees the once adorable, refreshing, and seemingly great relationship of Emma and MC Dice go from cute to south within a year's time in published tabloids. They were serious. He knew the stories. She obviously deserved better, even if it's not with him himself. This guy was scum and was sure to drag her down. He hoped his efforts of smearing her reputation and twisting the narrative would be fruitless. He'd never do that to her, he couldn't believe he had done that to her among his friends years ago. He grew up and MC Dice was a kid and an idiot who peaked years ago, a possible loser with a disposable income and no loyalty. Even though he makes way more than he does in money, he's not as good of a guy compared to say, Sean.
When Emma was an up-and-coming teen actress, she was in a girl group for a brief time called Sharada.
Sharada broke out solo in 2003 when the group's lead single tanked due to poor album sales and lack of public interest after an impressive low charting follow-up single. It was bubblegum cheese, they were a rip off of the Spice Girls and put together by Diddy or whatever name he wants to call himself now. Previously marketed and worked with Danity Kane, and the Pussycat Dolls. Emma was surprisingly the most successful member, even the girl with powerhouse vocals a young Whitney Houston type of voice, a classically trained pianist and vocal-trained mezzo-soprano, and even a long-term dance background. Unfortunately, she had a butterface and as luck or something would have it, the more homely girl Emma was packaged and set to be the next big thing mere weeks and months later completely switching gears.
In the 1990's it was your pick of Britney, P!NK, Jessica, and Christina types. If we're talking boy bands, NSYNC, she was the Justin one, if we're talking One Direction she was the Harry Styles. If we're talking about Backstreet Boys she had longevity like them. She wasn't cut out for a group thing, and her producer and management saw and even heard her raw talent and vocals, and capitalized. Diddy and his team who moved on to wherever Emma lived, went to bat for her, crafted her, rebranded her, got her the best songwriting team, stylists, personal shoppers, merch, headlining tours, movies, television, more publicities, photoshoots, hooked her up with the best designers for costuming and fashion opportunities and brought her into household name territory. She was so untouchable as the deal was lucrative. She had no debt. She had no financial woes again. She has a higher net worth than her competition. She makes more money than Beyonce this year she finally beat her.
She acted for a bit, in the beginning, to tie in promotion on a daytime soap and a prime time soap on a recurring basis, opened up for different popular acts through the years leading up to the present life as a headliner such as and like Ariana Grande, Beyonce, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift among others. Truthfully she had fun, it wasn't about competition and such or how to outdo others or hurt others, it never really went to her head, fame. At the same time, it doesn't fulfill her completely either. She's very rooted and grounded in family and her team is very focused on that. Since her family is still in Toronto for work obligations and her friends who are like family like Joey, Ang, Manny and Craig JT, Liberty, and Toby all keep in touch.
Emma feels something something special about her team and entourage members. She's not super strict, but not too laid back. She confides in her stylist and assistant with a heart of gold and a wicked sense of humor who brings her out of her shell and out of her head and makes her look like a rockstar, Belize she affectionately calls Bella. Only Emma can call her that. She was her first and last. Management wants her to hire more people like Belize but she refuses and it's more intimate that way. As for the name Emma, nobody publicly addresses her as such. She's got a stage name to protect her identity from the masses if anyone asks, she's Lucky.
Her management wanted her to have this competitive edge with single-named artists and was positioning her branding to be like this Britney Spears girl next door with a twist vibe but it stuck even as trends and her sound evolved. She often while walking down the streets of Los Angeles and other places around the world people sing the song, and she even covered it on her first album titled Denim Dreamer in Dolphin Pants.
She released it in early 2004, went on our with Skye Sweetnam, and later Fefe Dobson as the opener. She didn't have that much control, she had to earn those rites. She did have some collaborative ideas and she was heavily involved even only in voice and aesthetics, the title is reminiscent of who she was before everything changed and became the sensation she is today. For the album, she co-wrote some tracks, and a lot of the ones she penned herself were nixed, rejected, scrapped, and not released with the album by the label and are considered in the fan communities rarities and not so easy to come by.
By the time she gets to bed, it's late but she's often so tired she can't sleep, she's wired but doesn't want to settle down. So she goes out and enjoys the fruits of her labor. A lot of money was spent and it paid off, a bonafide success, profits, and still sells today all over the world, with lots of streams on Spotify and Apple Music. The label is doing a reissue on a denim print powder blue vinyl pressing in limited quantity, and a special edition picture disc for it's upcoming anniversary this coming year. There are talks and even some confirmation buzzing with her management of a short stint in Vegas floating around about 10 shows.
The iconic and originator of the modern residency, Celine Dion famously walked that stage and performed at this venue for decades. If all goes well, perhaps she could sign a lucrative contract that would put even the talented and lovely Adele's to shame. A lot rides on this, but she has a gigantic fanbase, and she'll have the possibility of extending that. She has that to look forward in the coming year.
Sometimes she gets a rebellious streak, and she finds herself while on tour no matter where, sometimes it's a seedy place and eventually she gets lost and found or she's simply running from her security detail, like this one time in Italy she borrowed a vespa, and rode it around the city and was later found by the Trevi fountain in Rome, throwing a coin in the well and making a wish and sipping on an Italian dessert wine miles from her hotel in a different city because she ran out of gas. She's often sneaking out and hiding away in plain sight almost always disguised in sunglasses and clad in plain clothes a dangerous pastime but fun. She thinks Sean would get a kick out of her now if he could only see it. Sometimes she sends cryptic things the creative stories she weaves of long-ago memories or the songs of a personal nature, reminiscent remnants of their past. She hasn't asked Manny about him if he comes up she'll listen or speak and downplay it all or be coy and feign ignorance, play dumb, try to drop the conversation, change the subject if it gets too difficult, act as if she doesn't care with false bravado he's history, he's prehistoric, he's ancient history. All the while he's in still forever in her heart, like Casper the friendly ghost, he's living inside her, haunting her heart.
She pretends for a time she doesn't care or is distant in geographical terms and physicality, but curiosity gets the best of her as always in her nature, and she sometimes lurks on him too. Despite the fact he's not a big social guy, and never really was there are things she sees that paint enough of a picture, a vague snapshot of his life. He occasionally will post a gym photo, a story that she uses her second anonymous account to sneak a peek at.
As always no matter what she's a sensitive girl with a big heart. Manny being her best friend knows better and knows her better, than she knows herself, and knows she never got the closure or truly got over that time, for Emma he's irreplaceable, she's tried. In her world, it's hard to find another when he's in a class by himself, he's a big pair of shoes to fill, and an even tougher act to follow. She's stubborn. If she can't have him, why bother? After being burned by MC Dice, it was hard to trust again or open her heart up to love or the possibility of it. The closest she came was with MC Dice, but she had never gotten over her hometown, a homebody who still holds her heart unbeknownst to her.
She sometimes hides, fronts keeps it simple, and vaguely. Emma is respectful of boundaries, the fact that if she runs into Sean at the market or the stores or mall with Kitty she always comes up in conversation. He always asks about her somehow they circle back to it in some capacity. He probably occasionally badgers Craig too. "Oh, Emma's doing great out there. She's so happy." Kitty in her childhood always chimed in on the street corners, and sang praise upon her godmother with her toothless child Cheshire grin childlike wonder, "I love my auntie Em." Then she tugs on Manny's pants or skirts, "When are we seeing Aunt Em again, Mommy? I miss her."
She pretends like it doesn't but, It hurts Manny because while it's nice that she idolizes her godmother and she should. Manny herself misses her sisterly bond with her childhood bestie and feels somewhat upset about how things ended up not only in her own life but in Emma's too. She's wasting so much precious time here and there and everywhere and far from the people who love her and loved her pre-fame and would if it all disappeared, fell down or the dreams were shattered. Despite Emma shielding Manny from her problems, she worries more than she could admit, Emma, her life is so public, she's so vulnerable, intensified as years go by, bad relationships into even more toxic dynamics, and sham friends surrounding her potential leeches, and her own life in the crisp Canadian air contrasts her life. Manny's life is so pathetic, even boring in comparison. She has all these could've, should've, would've, and it's always so light-hearted and disingenuous. She's barely 34, almost 35 in August. It had been fifteen years since she graduated and an unbelievable she wanted to pinch herself because the world had changed roughly exactly 20 years ago.
When young Kitty would go on and on about her idol, godmother, not aware of their past relationship or whatever they had, Sean bites his lip and the child doesn't see that part on the other side of heartbreak, love, and loss. She's so glamorous and perfect as if she's one of her Barbies or a my-size Barbie. As a child, she sees the world as limited and vast at once. She sees Emma through the rose-colored glasses at that time.
Manny would lament, that when she's older she'll see how twisted it is. She's got it all but she leaves behind so much love as well, and she maybe sees her a few times out of the year but one day the question will be, "Why doesn't Auntie Em visit us here at home? Why do we go to her and get on an airplane? I miss her." Sometimes it turned into those questions, such as when Emma would be absent for huge milestones such as honor rolls, dance recitals, solos, and her debut in acting in a production of Annie after she promised she'd come. Why didn't she come? Doesn't she love me anymore? Her heart is always in the right place, apologizing, always sending a card flushed with cash, amazing expensive presents, or providing an excuse like she's on tour, there's always something. Kitty didn't expect much, but broken promises she sees her as if she's family because her mom's parents aren't around her, nor do they know about her existence.
Manny despite her best friend is living the dream, welcomed in her home if she and Craig go through those rough patches that often happened around their decade and years together, he's never provided Manny an engagement ring, empty promises are the norm. She's had a promise ring for roughly fifteen of twenty years. Unhappy like Sean and Ellie, Manny can't run away, she's got to worry about her daughter who for better or worse can't depend on Craig. Joey is a stand-up grandfather he goes by Poppy and he's always badgering Craig to take more time out for his granddaughter and his daughter. Kitty remains close to Angela as they were childhood buddies despite being family and living together throughout their lives.
She wishes she lived, and put on a happy face for her daughter, but she wonders when will things calm down enough for some real friend time back at home where they grew up together. She knows that's a wish that wouldn't come true any time soon with Emma at the top of her game.
She misses the days when they'd sleep over each other's houses, not rich, no frills, homemade baked goods, blaring Spice Girls and Britney Spears, sleepovers, planning outfits for school, choreographing dance routines, taking ballet together on Monday nights for about two hours, talking about their crushes until the sun came up, their childhoods ended so quickly in more ways than one. Manny was barely fifteen when Kitty was born and now almost twenty years later, Kitty has grown into a beautiful teenager about to graduate from Degrassi Community their alma matter. In a way Manny wonders what life would be like, she'd probably be out there with her best friend instead of home working in dead-end jobs living in a garage. They both changed so much and both of the friends lost so much time, it's a personal sacrifice. It'll never be the same if it were to go back to before, like the good old days, the point of no return.
At night when it's late, Emma removes the makeup from her made-up eyes, undresses slips into her night gown or a simple t-shirt, spends in her notebooks or reads, doomscrolls on her phone as the clock ticks. Sometimes if she feels nostalgic, she pulls out the yearbook, the last one she received for the 2003-2004 school year she never completed, signed by half strangers, teachers, friends, acquaintances, and such. Even Sean wrote something short and sweet. She gets a tinge in her stomach when she reads it.
She gets a little mad at herself for giving up on her education in pursuit of this other dream that came so easily and naturally but far from what she would've originally selected. She could've beat Liberty for valedictorian if they were seniors with her high GPA and involvement in all these little clubs, went to proms or even be on prom and yearbook committees, and attended sporting events like football games, dances, and high school things. The things that hit even closer to home such as losing the opportunity due to her chaotic hectic schedules between touring recording and working with the press and the like, missing out on watching her goddaughter grow up, her brother grow up, her parents evolve, and grow too, she sees everything at a distance and being too late to change it, every effort to try and reach out or give back to them more than she had ever before being too little too late.
Her trophies grammys, surfboards for Teen Choice awards, endless infinite accolades, platinum, multiplatinum, stream counts, being the most photographed celebrity knocking down barriers and breaking records starting her career at the tender age of fifteen is nothing short of an amazing period. She's friends with the people whose records were smashed. She is a close personal friend of Britney Spears, who is quite reserved and sees a spark she possessed at a similar time in her own place in her own eyes. She sees herself in her, a dream come true. She has a wonderful legacy. She has an amazing career. She makes a lot of money. She's got a fragrance and a new merch line and fashion line set to debut this fall and she's somehow unhappy and she feels guilty for feeling that way, too young to feel this much regret and disillusioned.
She speaks to loved ones through phone and video and they usually come to her, she sends care packages and gifts instead of in-person hugs and kisses. It was acceptable and understanding at first, nice too, but money can't buy happiness or replace a human soul. She keeps this all inside. She copes as healthy as she can and maybe glimmers admissions with Belize and Manny at times. If Manny's visiting at night while Craig or Kitty now Kat with their wine on the back porch by the infinity pool they smoke cigarettes and reminisce like normal young woman letting loose. It jokes about and eventually nightcap. Emma takes them to parties and tries to give them a fun time while they're with her. She never wants them to leave though and sometimes work calls them and they have to go back or she gets swamped with work things and she doesn't get to spend the time she wants to spend with them.
She decided and make a trip back this December. No one was sick and no one died but Emma felt that life was far too short to remain distant from them. It was a lot for them to travel back and forth and now it's her turn, it's not like she doesn't have the money for plane tickets she does have frequent flier miles. She'd put off going back home to the north for far too long. There were some advantages to her salary and riches and hard work such as, she helped pay off Snake and Spike's debts after his cancer and later remission decimated their savings, but she did this because she didn't want them to worry as this thank-you for everything they've done and all the sacrifices they made for her she paid it forward.
She sends cards to Joey and Craig and Manny and of course her favorite and only goddaughter, birthday cards, gifts, presents, and spoils Katrina rotten every time they see each other from sugared candy to her puppy who is now the ripe old age of 16 years old. Of course, when she visits she blocks her schedule and makes way for shopping sprees, girls' day with mocktails, tanning, and swimming in the pool, and mani-pedis, makeup, and dress up, followed by junk food and movies in Emma's large mansion with an enormous theatre in the basement. Emma made a room especially for little Kitty to sleep when she came over as she got older and her interests changed she simply redecorated and even now Kat though disappointed for their two weeks together sulky, angry, sullen, and such she's always appreciates and would never sneer at her gifts and kindness. She'd give anything to see her this Christmas before she moves down by her next year for college. Emma when she was born, vowed if anything happened to Craig or Manny whatever the situation could or would be, she'd take her in immediately, and childless as she is, she loves the distraction. She's never been in love long enough to contemplate such ideas as settling down, and having a child, the best she could do is a dog and she's got about four tiny togs a mini dachshund, teacup pomeranian, chihuahua, and a little Yorkie mixed with Maltese she adopted from one of her friends.
The Pomeranian is named Cubby, the dachshund is named Oscar after Oscar Meyer hotdogs, the chihuahua boy named Tiny Tim who she calls Timmy was a gift from her publicist for Christmas, and the little Yorkie mixed with Maltese is Charlie and it was kismet because Sean once had a dog with the same name, it was meant to be. When she returns home they cuddle her and are her friends.
Manny and Emma aren't strangers, they talk almost every night when Manny is done for the day looking for something to watch on Netflix or Hulu enjoying a well-deserved glass of wine, Sean comes up casually since he's still local though, Manny will say he's mostly to himself reserved and reclusive but nice and friendly when he's acknowledged. She tries not to pry. She knows little things, she knows he's still in town. She heard Ellie's a mess in so many words. Manny silently observes him racing through town on Degrassi St. or down their block in Riverside riding his Harley with a helmet obscuring his face, clad in an oversized leather bomber a hand-me-down he still retained from Tracker. Sometimes they invite him over for game night and he comes to get away from Ellie pretty much, maybe has a beer but never lets it get out of control and to a minimum. Sometimes he flakes but they always extend the invite. Craig talks to Sean more than Manny does. Now that Kitty is older, she prefers to be called Kat. Emma started a college fund years ago when she was in diapers and puts money aside for it for her future. Kat talks to Emma more than Manny, and she feels some type of way, a little tinge of hurt she masks. Somehow the once-prude princess is the cool aunt, go figure.
In LA even when exhausted, Emma still doesn't sleep much, if at all, always a night owl, slips herself a melatonin while lying awake scrolling mindlessly or staring at the stars above her far above the skylight. The adrenaline and her everchanging world provide so much yet so little comfort. If she has an early morning meeting, shoot, recording session, appearance, or whatever obligation or engagement, she eventually forces herself to sleep and finds temporary peace, closing her eyes in preparation to dream. The vast majority of the time sadly, she cries herself to sleep, if it all becomes too much in this isolated world in the fortress she built, she asks herself, If there's nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?