Where Are You Now?

by andthecosmogirl

When Emma Nelson left for the limelight in late December 2003, she didn't look back and hadn't been back since. Life went on in her absence, but she left everything behind, and ran from her problems, and arguably her heart broke even more in the process. / An AU, OG's as adults, Future!fic set December of 2023 at Christmas and the past, eventual SeanEmma.

5. Vignette 1 - 3 I Miss You

The First Vignette

Flashback #1

Chapter 3

I Miss You

Where are you?

And I'm so sorry

I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight

I need somebody and always

This sick, strange darkness

Comes creeping on, so haunting every time

And as I stared, I counted

The webs from all the spiders

Catching things and eating their insides

Like indecision to call you

And hear your voice of treason

Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?

Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me, you're already

The voice inside my head

I miss you, I miss you

I MISS YOU by BLINK 182

2004

Toronto, Canada

June 2004

It was Emma's fifteenth birthday.

Her first year in Los Angeles, she was set up in a nice house in a beautiful gated community. She loved that house the recording studio put her up in, it was clean, white, marbled, overkill but lovely especially for the time. It was owned by a celebrity, it looked like the houses in Beverly Hills 90210, she'd watch on DVD with her mom and Manny during sleepovers in the early 1990s. The three dreamed of living in the house the Walsh's had, this was on a much bigger scale of that home stylistically, ranch style, with the balcony. Emma would've killed to have it in childhood, looking like Juliet in Romeo and Juliet, with a window overlooking the massive property, like when Brenda spied on Dylan her brother's friend, forbidden, she'd swoon over.

The past months had been an infinite loop and more and more on her plate, between the glitzy blur of press junkets, recordings, events, fashion, performances, late night and early morning show appearances, award shows, and more. Busy was an understatement, Manny and Emma still made time to talk daily.

Everyone in her team working to flawlessly transition and catapult Emma to new heights in her career, work to keep her standing out, brightening her up, finishing touches, busy bees and beavers, everything was coming up Lucky, and excitement due to the album date about to drop just in time for a summer tour, just in time to coincide with that the album was slated for early summer and the way the record company saw it Denim Dreamer in Dolphin Pants was to be officially released alot of work was to be done by way of promotions near and far in and out and she did make a pit stop home. She kind of lied to Manny she'd been home once, just this once to say goodbye.

The past six months had been nothing short of insane but one consistent thing was that she was still into Sean, she had all this happening and she missed some guy, she felt wrong about it, but perhaps saying goodbye was for the best so she took some time that night, ran off from her chaperones and hotels and snuck over to Sean's.

The first single she dropped was a rebooted retooled revival of a track from the iconic album Oops I Did It Again by living legend and princess of pop Britney Spears.

They recently met at an event for Vanity Fair magazine where she bestowed some excellent advice, they remained close through the years and got together often throughout Lucky's professional career. Out of the people whom Emma knew before fame, Britney and Emma are kindred spirits or that's what she claimed, she also claims she sees alot of herself in Emma, and that flattered her, not to mention she was a sweet woman inside and out and she admired her as well for her career.

As children, Manny and Emma looked up to Britney Spears, but to be friends with her was a whole different experience. She sent a heartfelt letter written with love, upon her first album's release. She couldn't make the release party because she was touring at the time in June 2004. She was embroiled in quite a few scandals as well around the time but back then they were signed to the same label. The scandals of Britney but the glaring ones included and were public knowledge, such as her then fiance or husband-be, leaving his pregnant girlfriend at the time to date her.

Despite that, the way Emma saw it, it's not her business, she loves both her and her music, and she separates art from artist when it comes down to it, and that goes with all the others she competes with because a lot of her most personal songs are lost on fans, it's something she takes seriously, works hard at her craft, fights for creative independence and leaned into movements during the pandemic when she wasn't able to tour so she did a lot of soul searching. For three years, she distracted her mind every time it wandered to Sean Cameron, home, what she'd done years ago.

She wasn't exactly the queen, she was marketed to work alongside, marketed as the new Britney Spears as if to be a Britney junior, a successor but she took her under her wing, trade secrets, she'd be nothing without Britney paving the way as an teen artist back when music as a career wasn't in her set of Old Maid cards she'd play with Manny. She wanted to be more like someone she knew, a person who grew up in Canada, and not the United States, and that person was Caitlin Ryan. She often wondered if she was secretly Caitlin's daughter, since all of her ideals and carbon copied, at least in her youth. Spike showed her Caitlin's show Ryan's Planet which ran for many seasons, before she re-settled back in town around the time she and Sean were dating. That all seems like a far-off memory. She and Caitlin are still in touch though, they meet up, and she doesn't live far away. The networks rebooted Ryan's Planet once again in the mid-2000s, and Emma works with her on causes, uses her soapbox platform for some of that, keeping herself consistent and showing a side of her that other artists don't have, generosity, kindness, and most importantly speaking out on injustices that plague the ever-changing world in which they all live in.

Between the time she left, and then Emma became a distant, cool, ice queen persona, one who doesn't mince words still the air of honesty juxtaposed with dishonesty. A fraud, that's who she sees when she looks in the mirror, she feels like a fraud or a hypocrite, she fights with perfectionism, she does suffer from eating disorders and mood swings but keeps them hidden, as a well-oiled machine of old habits dies hard.

Sometimes she wishes to throw her career to the wind, be zen, do yoga and become a shaman, do things Caitlin Ryan would do, her initial personal era, she hadn't spoken to Caitlin in quite some time, but sometimes they get together on a professional less personal level at any given time. She works with Caitlin by phone, she hadn't been in touch with her since the pandemic unfortunately. When they talk somehow by no fault of its own it goes to, "How are things at home?" alternatively it could go many ways.

She'd give this update, which was vague because she left Joey about five years after they reunited in Christmas bliss.

They simply weren't working out. It was like, about four months later after Manny moved in, against Caitlin's wishes. They weren't exactly good on timing, it was sometime in February, Manny was kicked out and disowned essentially, and needed a place to go, and Joey and Craig both made the decision to let Manny move in. Joey knew that Caitlin wasn't on board. She tried to convince Manny to get an abortion and get right with her parents, so she could move out in time, so things could calm down between her and Joey. As soon as she moved in their relationship fell apart because she felt some type of way.

Within three years they went from the honeymoon to fighting often, secretly not in front of Ang and Craig, or even baby Kitty/Katrina. By 2005, they had broken up, and slowly the relationship withered away to nothing, two ships passing in the night, dry conversations, losing trust and faith in one another, little by little those things faded off into obscurity and then an opportunity arose for Caitlin and she figured she had nothing left to lose, there wasn't much love left for her and Joey, the opportunity presented itself and she packed up and took it, it was her ticket calling her back to fame.

She found out that Keith and Allison slept together the night of the high school reunion upon her return and she and him were ready to get married themselves. He was still struggling with an expensive coke addiction and it looked like she might've dabbled herself from the looks of the photos she happened to see. They had a daughter named Sienna. It wasn't that it was Keith, she was over that, it was the fact of how underhanded and slimy it all played out. She was willing to marry him, he wasn't a prize but she supposed it was about the money, he was a successful guy, but when they split Caitlin realized she was better off alone than with him.

Meanwhile, Caitlin never had kids or a family of her own. She loved being a part of Craig and Angela's lives, but she was less enthusiastic about bringing on Manny, who had a reputation, and a baby born out of wedlock. Emma didn't know about Caitlin's pushing and urging Manny to simply be insensitive toward her, Manny kept the baby because she wanted to, because that's something in her culture, even if she initially wasn't ready to have the child she decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and that was keeping her. Joey never resented Manny and was fine with whatever she wanted to do. He was heartbroken when Caitlin decided to leave him, without even telling him by the way. The night before she left they had a screaming match outside because he didn't want Caitlin to leave him, he damn near begged her not to go, but she simply answered, and admitted she was no longer happy, she felt dishonored that he would side with Craig and Manny, she softly answered with bags in hand, it's time. "You're going to have to let me go, I made up my mind. I'm not coming back, don't call me." She was stern, and it did hurt admittedly but it hurt worse knowing her feelings weren't considered in the slightest, Joey wasn't happy when he found out about Caitlin's chiding and pressuring it seemed to go against everything he knew about her, it made the breakup more finalized and such because Joey would never stick his two cents in, he wanted Manny to have a choice. The fact that Caitlin undermined his young son's girlfriend, made it easier for him to say goodbye to the relationship and try to get over it a little at a time.

Caitlin wouldn't ever admit out loud this but, she always wanted to settle down, post-career to have a baby.

She always did well with environmental documentaries and her career, in time only multiplied in success after the time she spent in Degrassi and capitalized and catapulted her career into new heights, despite that she became very cold because none of her adult relationships than maybe Joey stuck out the most.

She swore she'd never really date again after that, however, that may have been her intention but that changed one cold, winter, night when she was home in the north, by her parent's house.

She was driving home from a press event in LA she had some shots with Emma and other young people, and she ran into an old colleague, of course, went drinking and stuff, and before she knew it she had boarded a flight, drinks even more on this flight, blacks out, and then realizes she's back in Degrassi at her parents' house.

When she wakes up, she's desperate not to run into anyone she knows, a total walk of shame thing and lack of impulse control in a designer little black dress with a slit, she got looks all down the main street. Sobered up and a bit hungover, still with her wits about her no doubt, finds herself lost in the seedy part of town, with a derelict, outcast, a man downcast walking down an alley and she spots a familiar face, a man with a cigarette in his mouth, still short stature with a sad, stony expression on his face with warmth by the trashcans when she called out his name, this man looked to be maybe a year or two older than her, and then it registered on his face, she hadn't seen this man since she was a teenager, it was her first boyfriend, Rick Munroe.

He and her dated on and off and then on, only for him to turn out to be a smoker which was against everything she stood her ie. the environment, like a Rebel without a Cause era James Dean, still had that look in his eyes that he was so lost and yet humbled seeing her again, interested in a conversation and that beautiful, sexy gapped tooth bearing, the smile that attracted her, not to mention the bad boy looks to boot.

He was now in a band called Save Ryan. He's fully embraced Irish culture, it's a flogging molly style of music, rock but with the indie and Irish persuasion, they also do classic rock covers.

To make it less conspicuous, his bandmate is named Ryan and was one of his cousins who is his close personal best friend. Rick has come out of his shell at this time through music, and while he still hangs out in slums he's doing quite fine for himself. He makes money, but he lives not far in a loft called Candy Factory, where a lot of young college students live, it's probably the nicest place he ever stayed in, he's had some dives in his day.

She remembered that he dropped off the face at the planet when she began dating Joey Jeremiah full-time. She was so in love with him, that Rick's feelings grew sad, felt replaced, damaged, hurt, a whole range of emotions, there wasn't much to Rick as far as personality at least Joey was funny, Rick's idea of a good time isn't exactly something she liked. Now might be another story but she wants to tread lightly, she hasn't seen him in 20 years or more, and seeing him might trigger old feelings, but she's rooted firmly in the reality he's changed, maybe life has treated him kindly but from the looks of it, she's not sure, the whole thing was shady.

She found out he smoked weekends, and weed with Clutch and other guys in her class unlike the good goodies like nerdy Arthur and only a handful of guys in their grade knew about it.

So backtracking to how conversations with Caitlin and Emma would go as follows,

So Emma, how are your parents?

They're fine.

Have you been back?

Emma would always say no.

Then she'd kind of press her for a reason why she hasn't gotten around to that, and it'd be a list from Toronto to the North Pole, or much longer.

Emma lied.

The reality she came back once for a stint of about three days. Just one time, in her Toronto show on the second leg of her second official show in the area, she drove in her limo unnoticed and cruised from the backseat.

She saw Sean walking alone, hands in his pocket, a sad look in his eyes as if he was thinking of her at that very moment. Seeing the limousine would've made him wonder about the girl or person inside. Are they lonely? Are they someone like Emma?

She doesn't want to say something like, "Oh eat your heart out."

She instructed her driver to stop about to the corner where they were between King St. and Bayview Avenue. She knew Sean was likely going home so she distantly followed and then proceeded to attempt to run into him spontaneously so it didn't look weird, and met him off a side street toward his destination, while the limo was idle, parked in a neighboring lot, still had security detail on her hiding in corners and stoops, they had FBI level intellect.

Caitlin had Rick watched not to be creepy but guarded because he didn't spend time in the safest of areas, he had friends from all walks of life from drifters, truckers, drug addicts, and alcohol friends, to people he simply met along his daily adventures, such as homeless bums and rich businessmen and women. He dated here and there but he was largely not a monogamous kind of guy he wasn't one for grand gestures, he craved what a relationship could be, but had no idea if he'd be, bad at it, it would become his worst fear, and that fear held him back more than a lack of confidence would.

Her security detail had a ring doorbell camera on their Toronto Office as in their company's corporate office. He wasn't from the best area in town, but he remained friendly with shady people, he had a few prior arrests for non-violent crimes such as vagrancy and panhandling, but he did have a place, just now in the middle class, but liked hanging in a rather a slums area, because that was all his job could buy him for a time, a lease, month to month, plus utilities to the staggering tune of 4,500 dollars and some change, and that was just the first year. It stayed consistently similar in the ballpark range, it's a college town near them, to the west of Toronto U, and the community college a stone's throw from the alma mater, well before it was burned down. That would be a story for another vignette Caitlin would suppose so.

She watched him and while she had preconceived notions she did it all 'right', but didn't go about it the best. She had to refrain from being cold, like Emma is presently, and is on track to pursue in her unfortunate and large footsteps. Fame is the biggest catch-22, the biggest long con, con job, the biggest farce, the biggest losers all around eating it up, and it'll last as long as the world keeps spinning, and nobody is winning anymore. Fame is a losing game, such is life and love. Life is a bitch, and then you die.

She just made all the decisions in regards to Rick, she micromanaged their relationship from therein, and it is worth noting he's not like Caitlin, he doesn't care about the frivolous fame or glamorous life, he is low maintenance, he is not showy, or bombastic, subdued calm, but a fine line between calm and stressing, unprepared, to put it plainly, he's a simple man of meager but they shortly found themselves entangled in his bed, between the sheets getting to know each other in every sense, she was single as was he, no harm no foul, however, it meant something to her. She's not sure about him at first he's very temperamental which initially turned her on, but after that, it was bordering on he's so generous in person, but he's a selfish lover. Once he's done, or finished, she's gotta get herself to climax because he had passed out. He does work manual labor, he is by the book a contractor he's restoring the school that burned in 1989 at his last middle school dance.

Supposedly it had to do with the rafters, and the boiler room where Louella Hawkins worked, she was the engineer making energy happen, long before the school running on solar for now. Electricity isn't that bad, to Emma, but environmentally conscious is a byline in her resume. She has a granola girl written all over her to her stint post-high school at Brown, only to drop out of her original pursuit in experimental relationships with the same sex. She kissed girls and boys, and she didn't only lean on women, but initially, she was nursing her broken heart after being

It was the height of pain for her, the lowest of emotional low at that time and it triggered a seizure. At the time it was the summer after high school and he proposed to her when they were finally free from the clutches and personalities of Degrassi.

She usually didn't have these close intimate relationships but rather hookups, situationships, friends with benefits as they called it honestly, she was burned by that she initially was putting on a brave face in public, but behind the scenes, she got around a little, but she newly eighteen, beautiful, smart, young adult, just had sex with their longtime boyfriend, ready to take over the world, or save the world, but she was hindered for heartbreak, bent, not completely broken and not so confident. She was insatiable, nothing happened but all the guys at the library loved her, and while she had wondering about Joey she rarely asked her old friends about him, couldn't be bothered to, they saw her change and transformation when she had thrown down at college, but graduated with all the accolades and even to teaching.

She was a substitute between college and her first job as a journaling columnist at a small city-specific magazine for travelers and tourists. It was a small publication firm, and she didn't stick around long. She did push paper at her dad's office that one summer and a few years even in high school helped out, and worked mail room and did mail merges for his small design firm, but he worked the crunching of the numbers, calculations, the monetary aspect. She left a year later for greener pastures of the world, just like her third-grade teacher told her, "You will save the world. I believe in you.

She also said, Caitlin, kneeling at her side with her hand on her shoulder with , we're all about English right now, and you will fail if you do not prepare yourself for getting a problem wrong.

Take it one step at a time.

What does it matter? I'll never get it.

Miss. Farrel sadly yet plainly answered, Never is a long time.

She softly with the same sentiment, yet naive to just how, "So is forever."

Wise beyond her years, never smoked or drank until after high school, as previously mentioned.

The gist of this is that it was the last conversation above, just before Miss. Farrell passed of ovarian cancer, her first feminist idol, her middle school teacher, who got her to care about school, causes, and nurtured her can-do attitude in academics, and taught her so much. She still finds herself thinking about the things Farrell said long after her school days were through.

As for Miss. Farrel later fell in love with a woman and became a Mrs, better late than never, she tied the knot and it was a simple and intimate gathering.

She identifies as gay, but mostly due to circumstances, but she was dating a great woman and it turned into more, but initially, she was looking for love anyhow, and she got just that, and so much more. She's in the simplest terms, a woman, who initially wasn't ready to settle down when it was stereotypically suggested and drilled into the ideals that when you're 20 you marry, and have babies. Her mom did marry her high school sweetheart, married her, first comes love, then marriage and then the stork comes, but this is different. She never imagined this would be her amazing life, and even if she got married two years before she retired, saying it was meant to be is an understatement. , She wasn't the thing of rumors then, she found love with another woman she met out somewhere named Judy, not the woman they always saw her around town or driving around with in the late 1980s.

Judy wasn't a bad person. She was quite the opposite, kindhearted personality but can be sad. She was one of those women who were effortlessly pretty and girly, still dressed in the juniors being in her forties. She was kind, patient, and sweet, and also newly widowed. She had small dogs, a group of Pomeranians to be exact. She'd dress them and groom dogs in her basement for the doggie pageants and she coached and trained dogs too. She had a whole area in her house devoted to them, she has three as personal pets. She named them after the power puff girls Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup, the liter she and her husband raised before that was named after Charlie's Angels from the 1970s.

While some women her age were into cats, and often stereotypically called cat ladies, she had dogs.

She was a woman who worked the perfume counter, as for her day job was concerned. Not that she needed the money, her late husband helped her out before his death, set her up with their house, and wanted her to have security. She was far from plain, but as a couple she and Miss. Farrel complimented each other.

They initially met at the mall, over a mutual love of Chanel No. 5, the scent, and what it exuded for them. For Miss Farrel, it was the agency to do what she wanted on her terms, unafraid of the unknown.

For her girlfriend Judy, it was just something she always went to, her go-to scent, the scent she often was complimented on, as she wore it out and about. It felt natural for them. It was love at the very moment, they must've spent more than a standard time at the counter, she took her to lunch and the rest was history, all brought on by a love of a fragrance. They were able to, as if it were some love potion concoction, establish and forge the path to love, they were both older women, and she was never married, until she married Judy. No kids for them, they both just wanted to be together, just with their dogs and their comfortable leisurely life.

It was as if they could drink it they would possess it, not to be off-kilter, would get practically high off of the scent, they got used to the finer things, she had money, but she loved spending it on fun activities as opposed to material possessions, they travel pretty often on cruises and Paris museums and Judy is history buff. Their happy relationship is very much filled with love and mutual interests, and she is very happy with everything concerning Judy.

Farrell connected at a yoga class too where in the conversation she invited her to, it was at the local rec center in the early 2000s, maybe 2004. She was prompted by her other girlfriends who wanted her to get out there and meet someone special or pursue things with someone. Judy's friends also wanted this for her after the death of her husband. She thought initially when she lost Howard, her then-husband she'd never love again, but she was wrong. She had been happy and spent many years with him, but it was like fate, indescribable how much she loved Miss. Farrel, the beloved English teacher at Degrassi Junior High. They started as strangers, moved on to casual acquaintances, to friends, to best friends spending what a normal person would describe as unhealthy amounts of time together, and over the past decade, became something so much more.

When Miss. Farrel passed, Judy had buried both Farrell and her late husband Howard. She wasn't home, she went out to get some food for her and the former Degrassi instructor. She was happy for the remainder of her days, they remained together until the end. She rarely left her bedside but missed her final moments and that hurt her. Caitlin remained in contact with Judy, who recently commissioned a bench outside of Degrassi Community School to commemorate Miss. Farrel, Mr. Simpson immediately agreed on it, so it is there, in the zen garden beside the memorials for Cam Saunders

Cam Saunders memorial plagued section, which is one of Cam's hockey sticks signed with the autographs of his teammates and friends behind glass with a few of his trophies and photos with his team,

JT Yorke's memorial as well which has a photo of him, the sculpture which had seating, and some other accolades, they retired the mascot and keep the costume he wore behind a glass there now.

As for Adam and Drew's mother, Audra struck a deal with the proposition when they renamed the Summer Camp for the Children re renamed the summer camping program for the children each summer in his honor. Her moving story about her son texting and driving cost him his life moved most of the attendees to tears, she had swayed the PTA. Bittersweet because it turned out to be her last proposal signed into effect, before Drew finally graduated and, she moved on to other things as an empty nester with her husband.

It's now called The Adam Torres Memorial Community Camp at Degrassi Community School sometimes in acronyms looks like The Adam Torres CC at DCS, sometimes even AT Memorial Community Camp at DCS. It keeps the legacy alive for the continued array of students who frequent the halls. There is a petition as it nears the anniversary of Cam Saunder's death, naming the ice arena the Hounds now frequent The Degrassi Icehounds Skating Center, there has been a proposition by the Saunders family to honor him through some organizations with their finances, for scholarships for hockey driven guys to get the mental health outreach for navigating stress during the hockey seasons for boys throughout the world. Sometimes monetary donations such as scholarships are to be had, and social gatherings of that corner of the world.

Emma could see some slight but nonremarkable changes in her small town, but she wasn't focused on the scenery. She casually bumped into Sean and his eyes widened. His hair was still close cropped but he wasn't wearing his beanies anymore. He looked tired and sidetracked. He couldn't believe his eyes it seemed, and he was slightly sidetracked. "Oh hi."

"Hi." She beamed softly, searching for words inside her head she stammered out in reply with a question, "Where are you headed?"

"Home," He coughed to clear his throat, "Heading home, why? I'm all sweaty from the run I was just on."

He stayed active and it showed on him, he had nice biceps from the curls and other exercises he did with weight training and such. He could bench press at least two times his body weight, he's not a bodybuilder or anything but he at least doesn't have a beer gut no matter how much he indulges in those, because he works out, it cancels out the beer, must be nice.

"It's been a while." She told him awkwardly as she avoided his gaze as they walked in the same direction.

"I know." He softly grimaced unsure of what to say.

"So is there a reason you're around?"

"I have a show tonight."

"So you can hook me up with a ticket? Is that why you're following me?"

"It's sold out." He rolled his eyes.

"Dream on, you think I'd want to go. You're not bright, you're a regulation hottie now, or whatever the goth chick says in Mean Girls."

"It's a shame we never really had much of a sex life, you got hot. What I wouldn't.."

"Can it, is there a point?" Her guarded yet justified defenses reared their strength, her resilience in surviving this heartbreak, yet putting herself in front of the one person she should walk away from. He didn't have good intentions, he had unholy thoughts, and he lusted for her, but ultimately she liked seeing this side of him, she was too hormonal and a bit more rouse than used.

His dimple showed flirtatious nature, he unintentionally licked his lip and it was the only place she had lingered in her gaze with, sure his body, his smile but that damn smile, with those dimples upon his soft-skinned cheeks was enough to make her want to jump him then. "Want to drink with me at the ravine tonight?"

The seductive blonde knew how to turn that on, that charm. She coyly shrugged her shoulder seemingly not that innocently, whilst tucking her long coiffed, fallaway bang behind her ear, to appear even more charming, sexy, and most importantly into this and enchanted, letting herself be enticed by him, throwing caution to the wind, just being naturally kind of the same he was before he became an Eminem wannabe, seemingly shedding that breaking the mold, walking away from trouble, pealing away at his layers to his softcore. The real him, he transformed, changed, not regressed. He isn't the same boy from last December. He hated that level of vulnerability.

For Sean, it hurt all over again, because he knew there was an expiration date. He hid his hurt in Emma's presence, he was newly dating Ellie too so he didn't want to put all his eggs in one basket either. It wasn't that he was unhappy with Ellie he just had a lot of feelings in regards to Emma just up and peacing, as some would say now, bye Felicia. He thought,

If Emma could just walk away now, what would stop her from doing it again? Perhaps he could work through this with her, bring her back here fully. He knew it would be a gamble, getting close to her could bring him closer to her, and eventually her closer to him. He wanted her forgiveness more than he'd ever wanted anything in his life, he wanted to be with her he'd give anything, pay any cost even if he had to owe, and buy it on credit. He was still so in love with her, from the moment she announced to their seventh grade English class after some silly mocking comments from her friends, the immature at the time JT and Toby, and laughter from the peanut gallery classroom.

She was donning a striped sweater, she confidently opened her mouth to say she got her first period, she said it was normal, progressive for 2001's standards in terms of who really could've been a feminist-acceptable society, oh no. It was a different time indeed.

He doesn't want it to be misinterpreted, most of his regrets as always are his hang-ups, and the things that upset him or trigger him and his hairpin thin temperamental air about him, his harsh, even in resting, intimidating appearances can be deceiving. .

He had regrets too. The feeling was mutual between them, having so much to say, and not sure what to start with speaking. They both said a lot of us, fast starts to a confession, tidbit, thought crossing their mind, the weather, even a surprising query or anecdote, while could be construed as the ultimate they're blissfully unaware, yet on the right track, so cliche, trite, and poetic, not to mention the makings of something beautiful or simply another catastrophic colossal misstep in judgment, straight up nuclear disaster, or a beautiful disaster.

It's worth noting, that they never really had a conversation about what was bothering them, between the two of them, about everything that happened, as they both were still hurting.

-x-x-x

Emma ended up going to the party. She bought the stupid $5 cup, which paid for the cover, and was dressed inconspicuously unidentifiable. She wore a nice, expensive, yet ordinary-looking wig, it was just a darker color to throw off people, she wanted to blend, and a baseball cap something on her head, black, maybe not a Calvin Klein kind of stuff, or but rather a sports or activewear brand like Adidas, she did like basketball, and watching soccer, she would see the Raptors sometimes and watch soccer worldwide on television in different parts of the world.

Even though she was invited to a party as if it were a blind date, where the guy was inept to know if she had to shell out money, the alcohol better be promising and not an afterthought. The vibe was what it was, sweaty teenagers, smoking, drinking. It was typical for her to go to parties with top shelf through her early times, the first years of her career when drinking was fun and, illegal but no one cared in LA, and every party had drinks, but these were bottom of the barrel, run of the mill, woodsy, bonfire, hometown cheap kegger like the movies but no frills, As for other beverages if they're feeling like extra rebellious, nonbeer drinks were various flavors, Mike's Hards and Twisted Teas, M/D 2020, and Burnett's vodka, it was accessible stuff for the underage crowd. It fit the bill, but she wasn't complaining, she could still find a way to blackout. They were lucky they were able to get what they got. Beggars couldn't be choosers, she didn't mind.

At this time in their lives, it was the thrilling chase of doing bad things, and hoping you don't get caught. By bad things, they meant drinking illegally by the train tracks off the edge of Bennet Park. After the blacktop trails lead you to a dead end, the park part closes about 9, or after dusk, but there are ways through wooded areas in town that make it so you don't have to drive far to get home after, even if you were drinking. Sean could navigate that route with his eyes closed, but he wasn't stupid enough to get a ticket for drinking and driving, it'd be just what he needed to get his license revoked, he walks anyway, it's good exercise, this night was the same.

They took some drinks, and she smoked some green, mostly because there wasn't anybody sober who could know who she was or notice anything else. She enjoyed feeling like a regular teen for just that night, with the guy she had complicated feelings for, she'd heard it from her bosses and managers but for that night she was regular and ordinary.

They ended up hooking up but it didn't end up going as smoothly because they both were drinking too much, I don't have a lot of a memory of being great, just felt like being hit by a Mack truck, a gut punch, and reality set it in. She was counting the minutes for her escape plan. She wanted to protect her heart, and she put it on the line in harm's way.

When the birds chipped and she woke up, they split up, she ran off again, and she never returned after that.

She had no intention of coming back, to her, it was what it was. They'd always have that night in Toronto, not to be all Bergman and Bogart in Casablanca about it.

The add insult to injury, she went back to his house to get back her shirt of some band that Sean liked too and he wanted to keep, she just let him have it. He still has it, he'd be lying if he didn't hope it still smelled of her and all her honey vanilla glory. She should've left then, but then it was evident he was with Ellie the whole time.

He'd be lying if he wasn't impressed, he sadly didn't hear her leave. She danced and almost got roofied, security detail was parked close by. She and Sean partied well into the night and then continued their rendezvous and romps around the Bartley Valley Hotel. Sean hit the guy who dropped the thing in her drink, that was the second night.

By the end of the affair, she felt like she could've made the right decision but a nagging suspicion and intuition subconsciously, says she didn't. She rationalized that perhaps a big part of her, outweighing, the one cheerleader for staying, playing devil and angel's advocate, and constantly arguing with each, like an animated cartoon, weighing on her conscience, besides, she liked to leave the past in the past, but sometimes it, that being regret, creeps up on her unexpectedly, that pain from an old wound, that you pick at the scabs to feel like it's been hurting for that long, forever immortalized, forever young, in nostalgia.

As they lay there together after they did the deed, she was already planting the escape plan, it wasn't what they both wanted or needed, and they didn't get to talk about the past, once he was he was asleep she looked at the time on the nightstand digital clock, proceeded to quietly and quickly sneak out of the room, and reunited with her security detail. From there, performed in the final concert in the city that same night, and left town shortly after never to return afterward. What prompted her to, as she felt initially regret for involving herself with Sean, knowing how much she longed for a conversation, not a distraction, she used him, and she missed him all the same. She didn't care at the time if he could've or would've appreciated the talk then, she had to face a lot of ugly truths in the fame game, and she managed to unintentionally tear down and burn the bridge with Sean, her sole reason for the pitstop, ignoring the tour. If he asked, she'd stay and be his forever more, but he didn't, he was delayed reacting she supposed, he probably was initially in shock for seeing her after some two and a half years after she left without a goodbye, she liked being cohesive, petty even, she left once again, without a goodbye. Confrontation like this wasn't her strong suit.

When she knocked on the door to give him the bag of things including the sweatshirt, she did leave him a letter through Ellie who answered the door, but he didn't know where she stashed it because she didn't keep it. Emma made Ellie promise to give him the letter, she probably read it and stashed it. So when she knocked on the door and Ellie answered it justified the situation that she was a memory in his life too, he moved on, and she was okay with that, but she wished she had known before they did everything that they did. She felt cheap and disgusting the whole plane ride to the next city. She didn't say a word just took what Emma intended for Sean inside and she excused herself shortly after, and Ellie just knew there was more to the story, why would she return? Why else?

She never showed him or gave him the letter, she threw them in a closet, or mentioned any of this, as if it never happened, to Sean. She pushed it back she blocked it out, she did that for them, she was being selfish, but she had a right to be. She wasn't dumb, not that Sean was some scoundrel, he clearly will always be in a position where on paper the relationship is good, great, grand, and wonderful, and yet, he's much more in love with someone who is not here. She began resenting Emma shortly after, she must've read it, but her music wasn't her kind either, so she figured Emma cheesed out like most pop stars, she called her a low-rent pop tart in so many words. She kind of assured Ellie back then after she went home, and he was in the shower and she had been forced to do all of this through Ellie who could see through that there was something more to the story, but she hoped she never knew the full extent of the heart-wrenching and heartbreaking damages. When she got uppity, or hostile, Emma backed up off the steps and just said, "Look, don't shoot the messenger, this is just for Sean, promise me you'll take care of him, okay? Promise me you'll give him what's in this bag, and that letter. She promised, she broke the promise, and she wasn't a woman of her word, Emma considered her weak for staying with someone who didn't respect her if he would go out and have sex with another woman the night before, truthfully they weren't even adults yet at this time, but having very adult lives.