Vignette #2

Last Christmas I gave you my heart

But the very next day you gave it away

This year to save me from tears

I'll give it to someone special.

LAST CHRISTMAS

WHAM / 1985

Chapter Five

Last Christmas

AUGUST 2003

& DECEMBER 2023

Sean's House / Toronto, Canada

Sean and Emma had what could only be described as a special night alone before their big breakup in the fall, just a month into the new school year in October.

When she first arrived at Sean and Tracker's duplex apartment, she finally was ungrounded from running off to Stouffville to find Shane, and other things also happened that she wanted to share with Sean.

Promptly, she informed him about her dad's condition and all that came with it, total word vomit, and verbal diarrhea. She told him about the true story, not what she initially believed, and what is the reality.

Emma trustingly confided in him that her dad was pretty much broken, mentally stunted, and a shadow of who he once was, visibly and emotionally, he became humanized in her eyes, and the crushing and unfortunate truth is, they would never have a traditional father and-daughter relationship, but it wasn't for a lack of trying.

He essentially was a real, alive, with a lot of conditional circumstances to tend to, because, of his head injury. He still held out the love and hope she had always feared he didn't have for her, knowing the truth of his circumstances.

He struggled initially to find his groove in Emma's life after their first meeting in so long, but the feelings are so strong that they overwhelm him, causing him to lash out, or keep it tucked away deep down. He doesn't want to be reminded that he fucked up, he doesn't want to be reminded of the special person he let slip away when all he wanted was a talk, now it's far too late for either, but he supposes maybe not, at the very least he can confess how he feels, how he always felt.

She still to this day sends packages and connects with her dad through Zoom meetings online, and even visited him twice in Stouville, under the radar from the general public, when his parents passed within months of each other at his assisted living with his doctors and coordinators urging. He was feeling a bit depressed and fearful, he hated being in that place. He was hopped up on so many antianxiety medications, strong ones like Xanax, and depressed so he took Prozac. It brings him a temporary distraction from his lonely existence when his daughter visits him and talks to him like he used to be. He never felt more respected in Emma's eyes, he loved that she didn't treat him like a menace or inconvenience. She loved and looked forward to their talks, he understood her, simply got her, and that all was something she appreciated, the little things such as their meaningful bond, that transcended time.

He would teach her to knit when she'd visit him, and when the chips fell and she was signed at a record company after the accidental demo with Chris and Jacob Sharpe, she was going to be flown out, she let him know first. He was supportive, but he wanted to make sure that Emma never stopped talking to her parents, despite how he felt normally. He was admittedly, a bit resentful of Snake and Spike for moving on with their lives, but also wanted them to know he was okay, unhappy, from a distance at the very least he didn't want Spike to lie to her anymore about him or his condition, or dare speak for him, now that those details were ironed out and they never wanted to alienate or depart from their lives, he still is invited over Spike and Snake's, he and Jack have a cool dynamic, he isn't the least bit judgemental, he too is a very quiet old soul himself, most of Jack's friends are older than him, like Connor who lived with them and was Snake's godson, and he took Jack Simpson under his wing and they're both very bright and kind to Shane. At Christmas, he'll be visiting with his day pass, it's a forty-eight-hour thing, and he's come back multiple stays to see and stay with Snake and Spike, and this year is no different. Shane didn't have the love of family for so many years in that place, and while Stouville was quite a distance, their driver came and picked him up from the facility took him straight there, and picked him up when it was time to leave. He's done a lot better in the past couple of years where he can have some time away from his seldom social, somewhat isolated life, at the facility. He is aware it's his home, and Degrassi St no longer is, but he loves being in the area. They visited the old high school building that closed when Emma was a grade eight and they all loaded themselves into the community school on Barley Dr the rest of the time which was initially a middle school, later merged into a grade 7 to 12 building and academic destination.

As soon as she found out she dropped her appearance at Jimmy Fallon and rescheduled. His damage is permanent, they hadn't seen a case quite like this, he is a lost cause, the thump of him hitting the pavement, cost him his freedom, he is under constant supervision, everything he wants to do, or with limitations, and he's not allowed to do the things he took for granted as a child or a teenager. He missed watching Emma grow up, perpetually unable to grasp she was an adult upon meeting him. Initially, he seemingly wanted none of the responsibility, or so Spike thought regarding where Emma was concerned. They were both young, but Spike took it on, dove right into it, and didn't make qualms about it, while Shane only got involved and invested months into Emma's life, post-Spike's pregnancy with her before his unfortunate accident, things were never the same.

The way Spike saw it, it was just so tragic how this guy she briefly crushed on and created a whole life with, the world lost him, in an unfortunate and tragic way. Gone but not, alive but stunted, unable to remember or relate.

It hurt her more than she let on, seeing him that way, even before, he seemed to regress after the fact. He had always been a kind and gentle kid through school, very juvenile and yet attractive, not her typical music guy type she dated in the early 90s, who was in local bands before finding herself with Archie, her biggest crush in school. She had a thing for blonde or strawberry blond boys, she even dyed her naturally darker hair blonde too. She hoped that Emma would get Shane's side hair, and as luck would have it, she did.

He listened to Emma talk and he felt bad that wasn't nearly as articulate as she was. He was enamored with her thirst and zest for life, not to make it cheesy, he just loved even the little things and everything else about her.

He had few words and she had many. He spent most of the time with her, simply listening to her talk. She could be a chatterbox, but he liked her because she almost always had thoughtful and interesting things to say. He once claimed that if Emma thought of it, it must be a good idea. He thought the world of her early on, of course, he lost her because he fed into his massive grief cycling emotionally from self-doubt and insecurities, the same ones that he let eat him alive when he was young, but he still felt as if he has more regrets than he wants to have. A lifetime of sadness and regret.

He once thought he was a bad person, but the feeling never left, and he found that hard to shake because, with the best of intentions in adulthood he tried and failed to save Ellie or shield her from the harsh reality of how things are, and how they used to be, and how they'll never be what they were again.

Their earlier fight stemmed from years of noncommunication but cohabitation still, the little things they didn't like chipped at the foundation of what they wanted for themselves or felt that one or the other had held them back, and so on. Sean resents Ellie for her ping pong games of on and off the wagon, their entire relationship being dependent on whether she can stay sober and, Sean doing the same damn thing and expecting different results if he just simply leaves her alone to her own devices, which he's been tempted to do. All his buddies, Jay included don't understand why Sean gives Ellie so many chances, but the truth isn't as complicated as Sean claims, he just doesn't want to be completely alone. He figures this is love, and if he can't be with the one he loves Emma, he has to settle or be with the one he's with, and he's stuck by Ellie when most men would walk away, that says something. For Ellie, she's not naive to this, and it's a coping mechanism for every doubt she ever felt, and the answer to every problem in her mind, when in reality it's ruining her life and every relationship she holds dear. She wants so badly to be like everyone else. Inside she wonders, is that even possible? Is she deserving of a normal life or a life of chaos from her insecurities mended by sips of drinks? Is she worth it? She doesn't know, it hurts her that Sean has checked out, she gave him that D-day deadline, and honestly to her, it seemed like the relationship had an expiration date, she muttered to herself, 'Me and my big mouth.'

She wasn't happy but she too didn't want to be alone anymore. She was still hanging on to what they used to have, and who they used to be, and not how much they grew and evolved, or receded miles apart in time. She understands quite well, that nothing lasts forever. She knows her mom is practically dying from the very thing she can't get away from, cursed by her genetic predisposition to alcoholism, and all the chaos that comes with it. It just seems like in their house, things don't change if nothing is said between Sean and Ellie, but the catch is sometimes things are better left unsaid.

When he sits on the same, dilapidated couch he thinks back to the distant past and tries and fails like a Rubix cube to figure out what he did or where he went wrong. He should've, he knows treated both Ellie and Emma better, he would change that, and she'd also be near to his heart, Emma. He knows he's not naive to the fact he can't have his cake and eat it too, like Craig did, he wants to do things right and handle this least painfully.

He didn't want to text, email, or in person for this sensitive subject matter. He didn't want to do it in public, so he had the conversation after work with Ellie.

She had already hit the final nail by issuing that goal, if we fall apart we fall apart, sealing the fate of their relationship. He was done trying to make things work between them, and ready to pursue something else, if it were in the cards for him and Emma great, if not he'd be free to make his own decision. He isn't a total Scrooge or prime evil, she still can stay until she finds her place situated and such, or he could move out, he wants to figure out the logistics but it wouldn't be fair to keep this charade of sorts. The silver lining, their house was paid for years, and it was a steal, no wonder Tracker went for it, the rent was under $500 a month initially and never went up or down, and Sean bought it from the landlord during the tax season of his first year working for Tony at the garage to the tune of 250,000. Sean wants to put money into the place and sell it, even fit it in the seedy part of town. He silently hopes and prays Ellie doesn't want to the house, he wants to preserve it too, the memories he had years ago, and he isn't crazy, it was a long time of being in and out, miserable, down and out, feeling shackled in town, hoping she comes around, hoping Ellie gets better and the wait is over, like everything between him and Ellie. He feels bad, all kinds of bad, but he has to rip off the proverbial bandage. No time like the present.

Sean pushed the door open and saw Ellie sitting at the computer glumly and contemplating. Frozen, she didn't say a word when he made his way to the kitchen for something to drink, he got out the Yoo Hoo he had stashed in the fridge earlier that morning, the note on the counter was on her mind, and she had to play it this way because if she did it the other way it'd be an argument. As he unscrewed the cap nonchalantly, he questioned her, "You get my note?"

He wanted to keep things light. He hoped it'd be mutual. He was meticulously figuring out his words to cause less of a damaging rift. "Yeah, what do you want to talk about?" She got up off faking a smile through the big question mark in the chair, the chair, and glanced over, at him, and beamed softly, riding the fine line between a close-lipped smile and a nervous grimace.

"I know you're unhappy." He started to say. "I've done so much, invested a lot in both you and me, I know we have been, and, Ellie, I'll have to be honest," He started to say and he truly was sincere, and full of love but feeling a sense of duty is the opposite of love and he hasn't been in love with her or this relationship in a long time. "I love you."

"I can't believe what you're saying, it's friggin' Christmastime, Sean!"

"I know, I just don't feel like that could wait, me saying that."

"Great" She stumbled up and grumbled sarcastically, "You think it's not punishment enough beating myself up over the bad choices I'd made in our relationship, which the world shouldn't revolve around, but you're forgetting the biggest elephant in the room and the true reason this relationship has been hanging by a thin thread, thinner than my patience, and I'm too tired to argue with this and: that's Emma Nelson."

"Ellie." He answered back, "No, it's not about that."

"Pray tell, Sean. Why do you keep a photograph of Emma in your sock drawer or the frames at work? Why do you think I've been miserable?! I've been feeling unappreciated and used by you."

"You haven't been freeloading off me for three or four years when things don't work out because all you do is drink and piss away your potential."

"Oh spare me!" Ellie unhooked her USB mouse and threw it at Sean, fully intending to, but ended up shattering on the wall when he flinched.

"You don't think I'd never find out? How much you wanna bet you screwed her when I wasn't here one day in the past!? If I ever found out anything like that happened, I'd just ugh! Sean, why are you doing this?" Her voice managed to break, "I love you, I was willing to, forget what I saw, and just stand by you and be there, but honestly? Why bother? She's back and I'll be a memory. Do you think I'm that naive? Maybe when I was drinking, but I stopped, and it's been over a week and I haven't had a drop. Having this nonstability even as a friend with compassion, I need that from you and not this bullshit right now."

"I didn't say you had to leave?"

"Oh, and Miss out on you and Emma playing house? Dream on. I guess I'll have to stay at the hotel until I go see someone about real estate, I may as well skip town, maybe you'll pine after me too."

"Ellie." He simply started to say, "We can work out the logistics later, look all I wanted to say is why wait? Let's just break up now."

"We're not seventeen we can't just break up," Ellie exclaimed. "I'm not gonna beg you to stay with me, you made a choice. No wonder you didn't come up to bed." She sadly confessed, "I want to get better, truly. I don't want to sound pathetic but, I thought you'd be happy to see how far I've come in my sobriety, not to make this all about me, but hey why not, fuck it? Everything has been about Emma Nelson for years. I'm not leaving this room until you admit it to me."

"Fine!" He exclaimed with gritted teeth, he wasn't sure he was being totally honest, he had enough of Ellie using Emma to hurt him after holding this over him, "You want to know? If Emma never left, you would've been a memory because I don't like the way you speak of her."

"No it's because of her, I have found myself trying, and failing to be someone else, trying to live up to an impossible fucking standard to impress you."

"Are you telling me you seriously became an alcoholic to get back at me?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying! I'd sometimes drink to forget that you love Emma more than you ever did love me. If you ever did, peer pressure too when we would hang out with Jay, Alex, and Amy, all we did back then was drink, it was fun until it wasn't."

"Sure sounds like it that you did that for spite."

"Screw you!

"What, did I strike a nerve?"

"Dream on, I can't live with you either."

"Sounds like a you problem."

"So what you're gonna load all this bullshit, you know you're not the only wrong person in this relationship! I made mistakes, my biggest was ever believing in anything you ever said when we were younger."

"Ellie, take a deep breath, look, you do not have to leave. I don't care if you do, but we as a romantic relationship regardless of whatever happens we're both gonna be fine, but I don't want you to go without so you are welcome to stay here until you get on your feet and we'll talk about logistics."

"So you're giving me a pep talk?" She wiped her small amount of tears on the black hoodie she was wearing, "You can't do that, break my heart and then comfort me like, why? You don't want to be with me, and I guess neither do I want to fight you anymore."

"I didn't want it this way?"

"You're free now, I'll be looking for an alternative if you even care, so I guess you did intend." She walked out of the room slipped on her ballet flats and grabbed her coat from the hook by the door and keys, "I'm going for a walk, I still have a key, so I can pack up later. Now I got the joy of finding an apartment or some hotel on such short notice." She rolled her eyes frustratedly, "So yeah, later roomie."

When she slammed the door the tears she had held back erupted. She straight up lost it, ugly tears, crying so hard her face turned reddish tone to match her face, she was humiliated and she figured this was what she always looked forward to, being disappointed, preparing for Defcon 5 to happen and she did manage that. She got herself a quick room at the Bartley Valley for the weekend, it's not the Ritz but it'll do until she finds it.

He thought about going out after her but he just stayed in the same spot. He thought back, about the first mutual I love you he ever said in this very room, his way to cope with the pain of that argument. It didn't go the way they wanted it to, especially Sean he hated seeing her angry. He couldn't keep up the charade much longer if he wanted to be happy. A shiny, new happy, new year and a fresh start could be a good thing no matter what, even if he copes with the past, or the girl from the past. So far though, when they danced hand in hand at the bar the night before, he remembered that the spaces between their fingers fit like the missing puzzle piece of their mind, souls, and spirits happy and comfortably intertwined.

After Emma spoke of her dad, they started doing what every teen does, not watch the movie they picked out for their movie night. At first, it was strictly about introducing each other to movies, but since the summer it's been just an excuse to make out and drink too much soda and eat double cheese pizza, like they always did and this evening was no different.

She and him laid down on the couch enveloped blissfully in each other's arms and were thinking out loud about their relationship, reminiscing, they raided Tracker's six-pack and had just two beers but they were feeling it. At this time in his life, drinking was fun, and even though he got too drunk at Jimmy's, he took it easy even if he was at home for Emma. He was also in better spirits.

He sighed a relaxing exhale and kissed her shoulder leaning against him and beamed, "I like you."

"Like or like like?" She flirted back. She beamed, "What do you like about me?"

"What kind of question is that? Everything." He moved to face her now lying down on the couch.

"You got to pick one thing."

He bashfully started to say something that she was hoping he'd say, or she supposed he felt one way or another and she wanted to hear him say it, it was an open invitation in every sense.

"Perhaps, perhaps I just, don't like you. I just, I know the words but once it's out there in the universe, that's it, you know and I can't let you know like this. I think you're a girl, a girl I admire and, I'm sorry forget it. Maybe I should tell you, when we're both ready, maybe you're not quite ready."

"It's a simple question, what is it that you like about me?"

"What do you mean?"

"I guess I wanted to say, I love you, Em." He beamed softly with closed lips showing off his cute dimples anticipating what she'd say, and the way she always knew he'd say something and it felt amazing to hear it come from him directly, complete with the Em, he rarely called her full-on Emma. It was a sweet thing, he got all red and bashfully, softly smiling awaiting her before her.

He said Em it made her melt like an ice cream cone on a hot summer day, like that day with the window AC unit blasting, but they still weren't through yet, they hadn't even finished their movie and focused instead on each other and the memory fizzled in and out and he thought the moment's glimmers of the past, in their glory days, and here he was, with his house empty with just him and drab, whatever, not so trendy furniture.

Before that ended he remembered some more about that day, she softly ran her fingers through his short cropped bean-less hair, since it was a scorcher even indoors with the fans at full blast, she excitedly echoed the sentiment, "You love me."

"I do, I truly do. I don't want this stuff to stop, it's why I said what I said." Sean bashfully admitted, maybe too much but he wanted to let her know where he stood. He did mean every word. "I guess I like that you don't care what people think, it doesn't seem like you do."

"I do to some extent, babe." Emma softly admitted in reply.

He sighed sadly, back to reality, he had not many remnants of her in the home, perhaps any reminders and mementos were tossed aside carelessly by Ellie, who unfairly was pitted against the expectations Emma left behind. There was a near-invisible shift once she was gone, it meant that it was over between Emma and him, and he didn't take it well. A fight isn't a breakup, ghosting is a despicable act, and it's harder than it seems to do it. Sometimes it starts as a confession such as expressing unhappiness and going from there, at the very least he didn't want to hurt her.

He'd be lying if he didn't think Ellie had much more baggage, he perceived, than the somewhat pristine, or golden Emma, whom he thought the world of, who left him in the rearview, but even miles apart, closely aligned, despite geographically, emotionally, physically, up until now distant.

Even now, besides love, she's one of the first to come to mind, and he was unable to describe the love he had for her, to her or anyone, the difference, but his two-faced, two-hearted, half-hearted for one, full-hearted for Emma the other, and it's not fair, but no one ever said life was. He knows he'll be sure to run into her, but he wants to take his time.

When it comes to Ellie, she has been treated unfairly and shouldn't have to share half of his heart or, feel that kind of pain in her life, the pain of knowing you're feeling inferior or less than someone who thinks the world of him and he sees her by default not enough, no matter what. Her bottle clutching began once he unintentionally became less invested, and she slowly fell apart, descent into alcoholism, but as for Sean, there's also some guilt in his heart, and he hates that he wasted her time, even if it all ended in yelling, slamming, and Ellie declaring she wants out of his life altogether, a clean break.

Though stuck between a rock and a hard place in their relationship, which is now over, the kicker was, that he still loved her, he wasn't anymore in love with her, but deep down he still cared for her and wanted the best, even if it's not with him. He hopes she stays sober and sticks to her guns to meet her goals.

It hurt him that she threw a lot of things in his face, and provoked him to become unnecessarily cruel. Another regret to end all regrets. He's still catching his breath from that fight to end all fights. He understands that he has to set her free for his life, his future, and his happiness no matter what happens with him and Emma, if anything at all.

Sean recalls the first night they exchanged the seldom words, I love you.

Usually in his family, it wasn't what it meant this time, it was different. I love you wasn't something he ever felt was real or true, it wasn't until therapy that he realized an 'I' statement was, after the whole Tyler debacle

In the Cameron house those words, shortened to a half-hearted, quiet whispered, or hushed love you, were usually followed by, or preceded by an I'm sorry, but nothing would change, and there was no lost love or found love, like a flesh wound left to rot, feelings festered.

When Emma said it to him, she meant it with every fiber of her being. As they lay there together holding each other tight and just enjoying the company of one another, he couldn't help but feel whole, complete, for the first time, he fit with her, because nothing mattered in the moment.

Sadly, things changed not long after that evening. While he was undoubtedly still into her and deeply loved her, he was finding their tender moments so scarce, and few and far between.

Sean felt more than a bit neglected in those last few months before their split, when she was trying to have a free night to spend with Sean there were a few nights she'd sneak him in when she figured she could.

For a few months when Snake was at his worst before they broke up, they'd bicker, Sean would start, and even if he snuck in just to hang with her, she'd eventually kick him out for being handsy. She'd get mad especially if he came from like the trailer or mullet kid stoner's houses and parties and came home a little bit high or sloshed. It gave him liquid courage he'd say. She'd shake her head and tell him to go home, and sleep it off, not because she didn't want him around but because it was late, he's past curfew, under the influence, and didn't want him to get in any more trouble.

It was better than the alternative because once they did split, and she felt guilty about the things she said that could've hurt him, nothing could prepare her for how little he cared about Snake who had done a lot for him the previous school year. Kicker was, she missed him when he stopped coming around at all when he pledged loyalty to them over her. She'd sound like a broken record that he didn't catch her, she didn't, for the record want them to fight, bicker, and especially break up, but she refused to talk to him when he's all sulky and irrational. Sometimes he'd respectfully come back another night because when he'd drink or alter his brain with drugs and it wasn't like he was on narcotics or heroin, it was still low-grade green 'Mary Jane', but he'd stink everywhere and she feared her parents would catch on if they had to do laundry.

Just because Snake was her focus and the house, doesn't mean Sean didn't matter, and he'd never be friendly with the candy bandits or Jay, by proxy if he felt secure, that's all he wholeheartedly wanted, he felt like he was on the outs with Emma, and not the other way around. It hurt the same though, both hearts broke on that cool, yet sunny October day outside of school. If she said she didn't care, he's ancient history, if people didn't know by now, which it's obvious, she never truly got over her, and it's mutual for him. He's still every bit, if not more still passionate about her, still interested, still has regrets of how he now knows, he broke her heart all those years ago, and he hasn't stopped caring. He'd never stop truly.