Author Note:
I screwed up. Not once but twice. Oops.
This next chapter was intended to come before the previous two chapters. Hopefully, you didn't notice the air of Semma embroiled in conflict stems from thischapter and not the distant past. It wasn't intended to jump around this much, to this level. Many apologies. I also wanted to remind the folks, that I did screw-up earlier chapter, Ms. Avery was the teacher that mattered most to Caitlin Ryan in her youth, not, Ms. Farrell.
With that said and done, here is that chapter. Enjoy.
Chapter Six
/ My Only Wish This Year
I want someone to love me
Someone to hold
Maybe, maybe (Maybe, maybe)
He'll be all my own in a big red bow
Santa, can you hear me?
I have been so good this year
And all I want is one thing:
Tell me my true love is near
He's all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting here
Santa, that's my only wish this year
MY ONLY WISH (THIS YEAR)
Britney Spears / Platinum Christmas
Released 2000
Five Hours Earlier
3:00 pm
Back alley lot between the Dot and Sean's House
Emma slammed the door behind her in an impulsive way, feeling a mixture of feelings. She was all mixed up and overwhelmed. She was feeling all the feelings the holidays bring including apprehension, reality clashing with with her preconceived notions of grandeur and disappointment, and of course hurt and anger. She hadn't had time to put on something heavier to wear as she hustled toward the sidewalk from the stoop at Joey's, on the blustery overcast afternoon. She muttered a quiet inaudible frustrated curse under her breath and felt her goosebumps freezing. She wasn't in LA anymore.
She let out an exasperated sigh as she dug in her jeans pocket and found her pack of Marlboro Light 100's brand cigarettes and struggled to light it at first even when she cupped the lighter with her shaking cold hands to shield the wind. The mild relief of the nicotine eased her amped-up nerves and calmed her and as a result, she felt a bit more composed. She decided to take a trip down memory lane to cool off before facing her friends and their teenage daughter. She shook her head thinking to herself, Teenagers suck. She has the suspicion that little Kitty, who is now pretty much grown and sees things differently than the young child she knew and didn't spend as much time as a typical or average teen.
She went from a naive fourteen-year-old to a full-fledged adult practically, in three months.
Fame affected a lot of aspects, some bittersweet and a culture shock in a myriad of ways. It wasn't all that long ago that Emma sympathized with Kat's plight, she actually remembers it well. The irony is, she was hard on her mother, hard on pretty much any authority, she thinks back to when her mother started dating Snake in the first place.
Life had been different before, before she grew and had a metamorphosis in the first formidaive years by the age of ourteen years old, alone she experienced a lot. A story she keeps close to her collar is the harrowing and traumatic story of Jordan, the repeat offender who capilized on her and was really feeding her conversations over things in her e-mail, regurgitated to make her believe she was in a loving
. It wasn't that long ago when Kat's mother did pretty much the same mere months before things changed between her relationships, and since the last time Emma had been in this town.
Despite Emma being cold , still dressed in in a simple tank draped with a shirt with a light, thin, ribbed cranberry colored cardigan, and she felt the bursts of cooler whipping winds against her slender frame, the stab of the practically subzero tundra temperatures on her arms where her light knit cardigan had little gaps of skin exposure.
For the better part of the time she'd been gone she'd been living in a much warmer climate. She hadn't seen real snow in over a decade. Emma had grown to be accustmed to the often tropical weather of Los Angeles. She was a far cry from the place calls now calls home. Living in Toronto, she had forgotten how cold it got, especially in December. It hadn't snowed yet, being the early winter coupled with being not as could as it could be. It was about 40 degrees with a low of 35, dull, grey, lifeless with no sun overcast skies, felt even colder than the forecast.
in fact the sun was dropping from it's peak under the horizon. It was a medium shade of corn blue as the clouds eclipsed the sun for the better part of the day. Her hometown and such looked a different than she was used to, but there was some commonality as she walked by familiar and observed the unfamiliar changes.
For example, Novak's Convience store is still around, looking worse for the wear, help wanted sign in the window, not as clean as it usually had been in her youth. The Dot Grille, a place she frequented in her teen years and has signicant ties to in her old memories, the backdrop of some of her dreams, looks vastly different than how it appeared when she left.
She observed the change she heard through the grapevine that the developers of the hometown eatery went the more coffee rip off of Starbucks-esque aesthetics and architecutre. The once naked, natural, red brick of rouge and terracotta tones now painted a pretty but neutral toned shade of grey that could be determined to be a shade or two away from a stark white, boring by comparison. Sadly enough, gone was the individuality that existed prior, the loss of their bold red and black somewhat basic sansserif, black and white minimalist type branding exhibited a cold uptight vibe by comparison to the warmth and comfort it had prior, a and more pastel feminine vibes as well as giving a soulless unwelcoming business vibe. It looked almost perfect, but it kind of left a sour impression by comparison. She muttered under her breath, a sign of the times.
She didn't expect it to change that much, perhaps that was denial speaking.
In it's current state, The Dot is the only thing that would remain the same in name only, and would easily fit in back east in LA. It was giving the appeal of a nondescript coffee house, a bastardization of Starbucks, a start up hipster business without the charm, looking like a chain rather than hometown mom and pop, yet not in the quirky sense or vibe. It felt soulless and heartless.
She saw people inside with bags from nearby shops and boutiques on the street and side streets getting some coffee, salads, light foods but she diddn't dare go inside. She glanced at her watch as she walked by and saw the time and it was the late afternoon The busiest time, and she didn't want to take a chance of being spotted by fans or bombarded with the questions, photographs and autographs. She wanted a vacation from her typical existence. She dreads that sort of thing, it makes her feel violated and her peace being derailed and those sorts of moments drain her of her energy, even if this was the life she had chosen. She hates it, but in the same breath she's flattered by that. She'd rather be loved by all, even strangers, than hated and scrutinized by all. A part of her knows, Lucky can do no wrong. Emma knows she'd done a lot, she's still young in her early to mid 30's but appears much younger and is mistaken for younger. She was able to get any and all evidence with her technical team who scrubbed any evidence of her actual birthyear from the internet. She's heard fans speculate for years, but she'd been famous and she's always been claiming herself to be between 27 amd 29 by this point, she kind of sees that stuff floating about, but she fears aging like most women do, there's this pressure to have the perfect skin, perfect smile and be who they're all waiting for.
From the limited view beyond the simple black contrasting awning through the clean black rimmed windows, she could just see some dude she presumed was their barista in a plain black shirt with the logo emblazioned on his shirt and donning an apron in a deep gray tying it all together, he had a handlebar mustache with the pomade curls on either side symmetrically like a guy straight out of steam punk look channeling the late 1890's fashion sense, he looks to be about 35 years old, when in actuality he's a young guy, sort of a yuppie based on appearance only, working on a drink by the counter. In addition through the foggy glass she can only assume it's much warmer inside, remaining on the outside looking in. The place had sadly lost it's unique appeal and mystique, it seems to be an overarching universal trend, as if to say all good things come to an end. She has felt pretty guilty and notably absent, it was this reminder of the trend and tides of things to come, good, bad, ugly, indiffrerent and everything else what could, should've and would've happened had she stuck around. It had been what she had come to fear the most, selfishly or not, hopeful or hopeless. Life went on, but she wasn't the same, it wasn't what she had thought. It wasn't as bad as it was what she built up in expectation, it was tame, but disheartening all the same.
More recently those feelings had been amplified and only intensified teetering on and off of existential dread and feeling the weight of it all and the feeling altogether was truly overwhelmingly so sincerely.
She'd had since her departure that depression and coupled some pitfalls, truthfully was depressed a lot of the time, more than she'd like to admit. She feels internally an argument brewing between her heart and head, a diemma, she believes should feel elated to be home, grateful for the experience, and be able to take the hiatus and be present at home with her loved ones on the quickly approaching holiday season upon them. Afterall, she's coming up on milestone of an anniversary of her initial departure, she can't help but feel some type of way, perhaps she is a bit apprehensive. She feels immense regret for putting this partition between who she was and who she became, between what things are what they should be, in every aspect of her life, and every human she'd ever come to love. The curse of the passage of time.
She feels so deeply, she fears that the two words 'I'm sorry' would never be enough to the people she abandoned, the things she missed out on by departing, and that stuff and guilt she posessesses don't really go away no matter how much money she made, the opportunities, the limitless potential and everything else meant nothing to her, not if she didn't have the people that mattered, or that special person by her side and he has no idea about that. He'd met someone else afterall, he fell in love apparently and they're still together, she'd been replaced, and she is out there still dreaming hopelessly of him.
She may have changed outwardly, she might be a millionaire, she might have success, she might have a career of her dreams, she is the hardest working woman in show business, she's a star, she's so lucky and a star, and she is very nialistic about it, nonchalant, careless, melancholy, tragically blind to it, immune, passe couldn't care less. It could all go away tomorrow, all the finer things, and she wouldn't bat an eye, or shed a tear, she'd be at peace, she would selfish and selflessly throw it all away if she could have that sense of community she took for granted. She regrets running away. She always thinks, if only she just spoke up, said goodbye to him, the only one for her, the guy who broke her heart and she broke his too when she ran off. He meant the world to her, he was the very reason she left, she couldn't confront him then, she was too heartbroken too, she moved on, quite literally out of state, country and mind, but he never really left her mind, her heart, she sees him as he was, he sees her as she was unbeknownst to her. She never truly liked confrontation, but like it or not she can't get away with the old way of running away, she can't deny it anymore, if she runs into him she fully intends to give him a piece of her mind, her heart because she can't hold it back much longer. She admits she made a mistake, she could've just said goodbye, perhaps planted a soft kiss on his lips and turned her back because at least he knew where she stood. At least he was aware she still had feelings for him. She goes back to that moment, haunted by that dream. When she thinks of him, she feels nothing but sorrow and pain. She wouldn't wish it on her worst enemy. Assuming makes an ass out of her, because if she only knew, he loved her too and missed her too and cursed himself for not doing the same damn thing. They both migrate in that hall, years after the fact filled with sorrow, pain, regret, on an endless loop in slumbering dreams with Sean beside or residing with Ellie, and Emma with her chorus of suitors who never match the same feeling, serve merely as a distraction in a cryptic way, a symbolic way. They both have no idea what eachother means to the other, and their biggest fear is that they'll never know, or god forbid it's too late, there's this overwhelming fear she'd really move on, marry someone, or he and Ellie tie the knot down the line, but that wouldn't be fair because he doesn't love Ellie nearly as much as he loves Emma, and Emma will never love another quite like she loved Sean Cameron.
She might have that moniker, that alias like Kid Elrick as Lucky, the irony is she does cry in her lonely heart because he is that missing piece and the reason why the tears come at night. The lack of true closure, all she needed was a sign, and he stood there like stone, giving her nothing and she was willing to give anything to see a smile, a nod, a longing look, even a single teardrop, but that was her. She longingly gave him that last look with the hope he'd force her to stop this, to not sign the deal, to not become this unstoppable force who could have anything she wants so young, too young for that sort of lifestyle and nothing. She has nothing without him, because she can;t appreciate those finer things that success brings, not when she has this deep of a regret or bagge or what could only be described as true love for this person, even if they'd both transformed over time, grew up for better or worse, moved on, but not really, and it's all been so difficult to pretend that they don't have these feelings, as crazy or unfathomable as it seems.
If she could somehow rub the lamp of a genie the right way, toss a coin with a wish in the well, jump into a deloreon time machine to transcend high speed peel off to that moment in time like Doc Brown and Marty McFly in a heartbeat she would.
She's so disillusioned and in belief that this is what she signed up for, this life was a choice and she did benefit much more than he, he's still living in the same place, witht he same girl making okay money but at least he has the real friends by his side, the ones that she hardly sees, and fears running into him. It might not be too late. If it's real, it's forever, and she might just be on time and doing just fine. She was never the most patient and can be so stubborn that it curses every dream she ever had. She's the 5 time winner of a golden grudge, and she has burned so many bridges that it might be considered a crime like arson. When she's mad, her bitterness and the world spins, she wins, but nothing matters to her, like she said it really wouldn't matter, it's just a job, a persona it's not who she is in the mirror in her reflection, but all in all, she's a force to be reckoned with. She figured if he saw her now, he'd regret that day, rue the day he let her down, it would flatter her, it would inflate her, it would give her immense joy if nothing he'd regret it or alternatively make it worthwhile if he did run into her again, a do over if you will but she's sometimes too much of a realist to entertain that notion.
At thirteen, she was tired, tired of seeing him in the hall sucking face with Amy, hanging out with the hoodlums and scum of the school as they robbed candy machines and tech from various offices in the school, and figured her wounded heart and bruised heart would be simply remedied by changing everything about her life and herself as a person, everything that happened wasn't strategic on her part, it took on a life on its own, which as it turns out is the heavy price of fame. She took a page from manny's book, but took it to an extreme, like she always does, but this time it was more than she could contain and bargain because it got wildly out of control. She's still battling that girl, the girl she is, the girl she was, the star persona and a lot more, it's a fight, an endless one she never really seems to win.
She thought all along she had no regrets to speak of, and that having any semblance of regrets was almost a curse, but perhaps a karmic or divine intervention, the concequences from running away from her problems and not nipping the hard things in the bud, no matter what she thinks she accomplished, the burden of the people she left behind and the guilt and dread of this, is inevitable and has eaten away at her every year she'd been gone.
Perhaps young Kat was right, maybe she should've stayed away. They don't need her.
They all got on and along just fine without her for so many years, and that hurts more than the initial heartbreak. She let them for better for worse survive, and it's the way it is and has been. Perhaps it was mistake to come back home, but she's always cowardly breaking promises and in her heart of hearts want to make up on her sometimes flaky, selfish past. She's been thinking alot, in her spare alone time, the more she thinks about it, stews on it, thinks to herself that it is her, it is Emma that needs them the most. She'd been holding this inside for so long without a word. Manny is a ride or die friend of yesteryear, Belize is a ride or die friend from her new life, gold and silver friendships, loyal to a fault and she will never say anything ill of them, she felt for so long a burden to them, when it couldn't be further from the truth. Despite the distance Manny and Emma speak often, and the same goes for Belize but in person.
The last shred of humanity is her friendships back home, the heart she left, the homesick heartsick side the public doesn't get to see, but Belize sees before she turns plastic like the rest of those Hollywood It-girls living fancy lives, and living in the lifestyles of the rich and famous. The novelty wore off as soon as the pen on the signature of the contract she signed at the age of fifteen marked the beginning of the end.
She's gone from a girl who loved the holidays for the cozy sweaters and bright lights and had simple pleasures, to a superficial rip off cliche looking a bit more Paris Hilton, skantily clad, the same girls young Emma would diss in her slam editorial pieces of the bimbifation of spirit squad, and the kind of things Paige would wear to school when she and Manny were preteens and Paige was the cool, "mature" older, 'wiser' one to aspire to, the quintessential popular girl in every teen drama since the beginning of the genre.
In the years that passed, Emma's got her own squad now, Emma's the ringleader and Paige is a distant memory of someone who peaked in high school, still thinking she's the queenbee but working some dead end while Emma burns brightly blazing a trail she could care less about. Emma doesn't even try to succeed she just does, she's marketable and knows the business but Paige floundered after graduation and is sadly stuck in the past.
Emma thinks that being famous has stroked her ego, she is occasionally big headed, has many accolades and is aware she's loved by most people, but somehow keeps herself humble to be herself, as she could with the help of her family, friends, team she wants to feel approachable, attainable, keep her heart together with good intentions and optimism, the Barbie of the pop music monarchy, and as the years go by held together scarred up from bad and good experiences and it's a careful and delicate balanace. Fame has given her a new lease on life in her causes, she has a bigger higher soapbox and a net of wealth to take on real change in the world and that's what keeps her going, and the world spinning, the world going round perpetually.
She wishes she had a chance to speak, before she was cut off and rudely ripped a new one from a person she considers family. She can feel empathy, she did play a role fracturing their close bond by distance. She was a very generous aunt, but it seemed to be in vain because she's wildly coming off ungrateful and rotten from the moment she arrived.
Kat was the daughter she never had. She always promised and maintained about taking care of her best friend's daughter like Bette Midler in Beaches, and the other people close to her heart whether they wanted to or not. Growing up, she would get in knock out drag out arguments and debates with her team, boyfriends, people who wanted to potentially want be her boyfriend, leaches, mean girls, and the obsessive and oppressive general public opinions on her and her life, skating by, not being one hundred percent honest, cruelly can't wait to cash in and sell you out people or throw you under the bus for the money and the hope for fifteen minutes of fame, seven minutes in heaven, and money talks as everyone knows, everybody talks good and bad, and the world is cold.
Everybody is always behaving in this petty and bitterness, fame is plastic fortress covered in a shiny beautiful veneer, be careful what you wished for mystique, the regular people who work menial meaningless jobs, or essential jobs, or even careers spend their waking moments buried in their smartphones looking for a scandal to indulge themselves with in the tabloids or on TMZ and such, and existing in an overall disrespectful manner. Roughly ninety percent of the time that's been a part of her life she's grown tough skin and molted the childlike youthful into a seductress, a bad girl in the media, a girl not to be taken lightly because she means business,
Akon searched for those words, but the only way to describe Emma at this point in her life without being disrespectful is well, a sexy bitch. She had to develop thick skin on and off stage or when she opens her door to go out for a walk, she almost always has a person hiding in the bushes praying to catch a glimpse or a looksee like an animal in the zoo enclosure, the very people she'd want to fight for the animals in youth. She hated zoos because she knew the animals cannot speak, but the last thing they wanted to be was caged, and she's caged just like them.
Emma has changed, but still remains upbeat, has hopes, she's retained her mostly kindly, generous and optimistic nature, it a complicated thing, a tilt in her axis.
She since closed her heart in an effort to protect it a long time ago. She rarely shows that side of her, since most things are planned meticulously like a perfectionist or pretty damn close to it from behind the darkness of closed doors and beside the missed opportunities and old memories as if it's a photograph or a distant faroff memory keepsake like a trinket, hanging and hiding out on a shelf in her bedroom, collecting dust next to a jewelry box of a lifetime of regret.
The world has her by the neck, hoisted up high inside the music box on the little pedestal, like a ballerina in a music box. She may as well be wearing a mask, she masquarades as this happy girl, and it's all an elaborate sham and lie.
She'll have the last laugh she could joke about it if she feels powerless, but simultaneously feel like she can't escape from invisible bars and barriers both literal or metephorical. Again, this is not what she signed up for. She thought if she could fill her heart with material possessions and that everybody loves her, albeit maybe not everyone, but more than most people than she'd have it made and Sean and all her loved ones would be a memory, or at least the bad memories can just go away, as she ran away.
Life does't work like that. There's a consequence for everything. Before someone could judge her or call her ungrateful for the love and in the same breath contempt of the often cold world, just because they or people smile in their direction and even exchange cordial formalities and niceities for a few times, even more than once, it's not always easy to take it in stride or trust at face value, or assume that love to be genuine, sometimes it's a game of who you know or a trap to end all traps, and the snippet would end up a whisper down the lane on rat magazines on the newsstand beside reputable news annuals such as Newsweek and popular fashion magazines such as Vogue. Life is a big show, a media circus. Britney Spears was right though, Circus is a doubentrada, albeit cautionary tale of a legend like her alterego Mona Lisa and Beyonce's Sasha Fierce. It's dog eat dog, the hard knock life without cute orphans. She learned that the hard way.
Sometimes her big mouth would find her in hot water. Faux paus, feathers ruffled, feelings hurt and guilt, then her publicists Candy and Belize go into damage control with gusto, beast mode full stop, distract, go on and spew a whale of a tale, so they can retract the bad press or make it go away, and complaints pouring in lost endorsements or magazine features or advertisers would pull out and it makes Candy's job much more difficult to find an alternative.
There will always be somoene trying to turn the tables, pull the rug, wool over your eyes, a wolf in sheeps clothing, a hidden jealousy, immense pride who don't root or are sham friends and feeling you're in the wrong. It's a dog eat dog world the music industry as a whole, being in the public eye under a microcope in the petri dish, a diorama or a scale model of something that resembles real life, or something close to it.
Over the past decade or more years later on, and from the moment she shot to number one with her first album nothing has been the same since. She's had experiences and unexpected accolades than she never could've predicted or dreamed of. She has this platform and life experiences that proved to be rewarding and worthwhile on the other hand.
Emma parading and showboating as this alterego Lucky, would be different if she didn't adapt, and learned to swallow her tears, cry in the shower, wipe the tears or let them dry and then put on the big show for the world. Only the fans know the semblenmce of the reality and the truth or rest somewhere in the inbetween. Speaking honesty and realistic and not leaning into fantasy, or ever changing settings the art of knowing your worth. She's negotiated and rarely in this time had to compromise on what she wants. No one really tells her no nowadays, she was micromanaged at first of course because she was a flight risk who wasn't ready to do this yet, she hesitated. Today, she gets what she wants and she's not afraid to speak up she demands it without speaking a word. She never lost that part of her.
She's so ingrained and wired in that realm of stardorm, jaded too, and arguably empowered or even flattered by these people and her amazing, meteroic rise and influence. It's nice when people sing the praises, or even the lyrics to her songs no matter how shocking, lame, or even embarrasing but it's beautiful that keeps her going.
As for Kat for instance Emma suspects she could be coping with overwhelming things, but she doesn't know that she's far from alone. If she could touch a heart or make someone even for a short time feel special that's exactly what she'll do. Kat matters so much to her, and she's turned off that side of her that makes her resemble a human, to reach out to her young niece who is like it or not growing up. She wished she'd stay small forever, and sweet as she was, looking up to her and she is showing that what she'd done had damaged their relationship seemingly beyond repair. She always wished she had someone for her to comfort her besides Belize and Manny as she shuts out the world, even if she'd make a difference it would clash with the perfectionism and balance of her very existence. This is the way it is, it's a lot to manage. Perhaps Emma no matter how hard she tries to hide it she wouldn't be so down or downtrodden if she acknowledged this, but such is life.
Today she was sort of absent minded a little scatterbrained and definitely more than a little overwhelmed partly because, initally she had no intention about coming to town.
As late as a week before this event and tentatively committed because it'd been purely circumstantial. Coming home for Christmas was a last resort because the Aspen cottage by this mountains had to be renovated, and there's been quite a bit of delays and the area airbnbs and independently owned bnbs and hotels and lodging options were packed or were closed.
She accepted that, perhaps it is time to come home, but she was dragging her feet, even 24 hours before she was set to board the plane. Apparently, It hasn't snowed enough in the midwest or Rocky Mountains and it puts the whole intention of staying there, in jeopardy with miles and stretches of road and snowless on the peaks. Emma's life was almost a different story too, while it is tragic it's nothing compared to what it is on the exterior. People often say everything happens for reason, but sometimes it can invalidate or be cold and unsympathetic and people feel used on both sides. It is simply impossible to change the past, it's impossible to control other peoples feelings, no matter how much money is thrown at them or toss them a bone in the form of a sincere apology or, a nice gift to make up for missing things. Emma admittedly resumed reality and felt a bit at ease being away from hustle, bustle, drama and temptations of being where she was, but she's taking a risk, as a result being cautiously optimistic she's extremely guarded and careful with this vacation so to speak. It could be a disaster, but she's choosing to be blissful and give it a try. If all goes foul, no harm in giving something different for a chance. That's how it is, and how she's been since she skipped town years ago. She's faced with the concequences of literally running away from her problems. It's either fight or flight and she flew and fled, boarded a flight and started a new life. Being back at home, reignited old problems, picking the scab that she had previously bandaged,remedied nursed, to add insult to injury what Kat said hit her like a gutpunch. Kat's growing up like it or not, and a little young, a girl not yet a woman, a teenager embarking on adulthood hates her, resents her, everything she'd done for her immediately nothing to her, meant literally nothing.
She has to fix the relationship, because deep down she cares deeply for her she truly doesn't know how. In her absence, she learned to live without Emma, and she doesn't have that look of admiration she always had when they'd get together in LA every few months for the better part of the years she'd been gone, somehow selfishly assuming or pretending problems don't exist back home. Emma feels guilty knowing that it's her own fault, it's too late to change the past but she can at least make more an effort to make these next few days bearable and less dramatic for everyone involved. Before long she'll be back to the life she'd grown accustomed to, her plan falling through is right now the sole reason she decided to take Manny up on the open invitation which was always floating. She took that sentiment for granted for so long.
She wanted to give Manny a break, she has enough going on as it is. The holidays are just as hard, if not harder in Manny's eyes than Emma's not that it's a contest. Manny misses her family especially at Christmastime, even though it's been a long time. She hadn't seen them since the early 2000's when she was pregnant with Katrina. She doesn't even know where they live, she once sent a holiday card with photographs of Katrina when she was a toddler, that was promptly returned to sender and she gave up on them assuming that's it. She had Craig, Joey, Angela and Kat and for a long time it was enough, and Emma wasn't present for that fall out.
That was the Christmas of 2005, when Katrina was a toddler. Manny burst into tears when it was sent back and unopened, they saw her name and the address and sent it back, cast it out, cast her out. It hurt worse this time around because it wasn't just Manny she cast out, it was her innocent little baby Katrina as well. She sent the card because that past October it was grandparents day at her preschool and she extended the invite for a chance for Katrina to meet her mom's family. They were ashamed of their daughter for getting pregnant out of wedlock, which was bad in their culture, but she figured with time they would've at least took pity on Katrina, but perhaps they're both better off she justifies it with.
Plus by then her life was stable, Manny had a hope that time had passed it'd be different and they'd see her side, and instead they stuck to their guns and didn't accept the extended hand and kept their backs turned away from her. She believes and suspects it's mostly about her father Joseph who her mom happened to side with and where her loyalties are and she's powerless.
It's worth noting that Manny in so many words implied not-so-young Kat has been pushing boundaries, staying out late past curfew, talking back, not doing her chores, neglecting responsibilities, even bullying Angela when she puts in her two cents with love and offering herself to help her only for a door slam, foul language, hanging out with a rough crowd, apparently came home drunk or high last week, skipping school, suspended, insubordiate in class with suspensions in and out of school for fighting and such, and has a boyfriend now that she also is difficult to talk to about it. Manny is especially concerned because up until recently she was a good kid, she had good grades and would never do anything like this, but they've since slipped. Something she feels is going on, and Kat's shut her out. Emma could have better luck, but they have to remedy the resentment to make edgeway. She's that cool aunt, but not very involved at the same time it's about time she steps up to save Kat from making the mistakes of their parents, themselves and everyone else.
Manny is still open hearted and sympathetic because she's her little girl and she sacrificed a lot to make her comfortable, happy, and most importantly safe. Joey and Craig suspect something bad happened with her once close friends group but she doesn't really open up, but she remains steadfast to silence and refuses to open up in any way to anyone not even this boyfriend of hers. Kat won't budge or share with them lines draws and tempers flaring, she is more like her mother at that age than Craig, and she's adopted more than a few bad habits such as sneaking smokes from mom's purse and pretending like she won't notice or taking a few bucks from her wallet. Shefeels like she failed her daughter or was ill equipped to be a mother in the first place, but did the best she could with good hearted intentions. Even when things get super tough like the've been so strained she starts to see her parents side, but would never abandon her like her parents had both her and Katrina.
It was as if this is her karma, to have raised herself, only to have to deal with the same person her own parents ignore or have cast away. She doesn't give up though even if it's bleak, and she never will even if she'll grow to hate her and resent her for caring. In adulthood tteenagers to her scare, her it's worse when she's her own she can't pawn her off to someone else, or throw her out either. Craig has tried and failed, she shuts down, even when he's patient, with Kat too, but he works a lot so he's not home as often and then by the time he gets home from work he's exhausted and eats, and he and Manny are lucky to have dinner in front of the tv on the couch if he doesn't pass out by the 9pm. Manny is sympathetic, aware he has alot on his plate. When Kat comes to him he's listening but ultimately a pushover and someone has to bear the brunt and play bad cop, that burden falls on Manny and even Joey. She has been disrespectful to him too, Angela doesn't take that lightly when she's around and will chastise and she gets on the receiving end of some awful fighting words. Angela doesn't want to get violent with her, but she's at her wits end. Kat is a hurricane, she's out of control.
While in town, Emma is privy to her being difficult and troubled at home and is determined to help, even if it costs her the peace and remedying so Manny's load is a lighter. If there was any consolation, soon if all goes well Kat will be out in LA for school, like they always discussed, if she manages to graduate and retain her spot at the university, she'll be able to keep a better eye on her even with her impossible schedule. By then maybe, things will run smoothly at Casa Jeremiah-Manning-Santos but that's a big if. So many things are out of control, and she's out of her element in familiar the place she once called home. Her spacecase tendency, was interrupted as she heard the sound of a running motor in the vicinity.
Horns were beeping from the cars in the road because the mystery motorcyclist was weaving between the cars with his loud motor sounding as if he's compensating for something. Emma knew if she didn't want to be ran off the road, she hopped under the marquee awning of the nearby storefront so he can whizz by and a cloud of smoky dust engulfed her.
What she saw with her limited vision was a bike and a helmet smelling of exaust and she almost gagged up a lung. How could the guy even see her? She thought to herself silently just watching. Something told her he was in a rush, or seemed angry by the way he sped not paying attention reckless abandon covered up and causing commotion.
The biker came across as inconsiderate. She was on edge, things like this don't happen to her, the streets are peaceful generally where she lives. She is relatively unnoticed here by contrast, and while comforting, it also made her feel uneasy. When the smoke cleared traffic resumed to business as usual and she turned the corner and crossed the street and lit another cigarette, her second cigarette in the past twenty minutes. Ringing in her head and hearing tinnitus she couldn't get what Katrina, Kat whatever she wants to call herself now said to her out of her mind.
While distracted, she'd be lying if she didn't mind the distraction from the person who owned her heart. Who is very likely around town somewhere, in some capacity, even now, with time healing so many wounds, or scabbing and picking others, that was a scar she fears picking and some interaction or a conversation, she wanted to delay or avoid if possible could be remedied. It still matters to her even if she claims it doesn't, but right now she'd rather be distracted by her teenage godaughters whirlwind drama than concern herself in the inner workings of one Sean Cameron, deep down she'd love to pick the bone with him that she harbors so much mixed feelings for and perhaps even bury that hatchet and be renewed. In both their lives, so much had occurred and made them into to whoever they've become, it would be the best case scenario. In that perhaps, maybe even she could find closure or maybe reignite those embers and or start anew. It's just she's not so much the scrooge, still retaining hopes without becoming unrealistic, and skeptical, cautious, yet optimistic, treading that fine line lightly, as she could.
She really didn't know where to begin if she were to magically run into him. Would they pick up a conversation as if nothing happened? Would she ignore him? Would she run away like she always does?
She was like it or about to find out, when she crossed the street between The dot and the backlot alley way garages ironically he was not living far from, Emma saw the mysterious reckless biker on the Harley once again darting through that direction, she had been spotted.
He had almost ran her off the road less than ten minutes before, she was still shaken but not really phased, still taking in the atmosphere of being home for the holidays. It hasn't been her home in a long time.
As he took off the helmet she couldn't help but feel her heart melt, a tinge of fear mixed with intrigue. The toned and tall biker in question was someone she knew but she couldn't place her because she was a bit overwhelmed in attraction, he got hot. He glew up as he grew up. She was stunned in silence with her jaw down, her eyes wide, she was having that expression and her heart beating hard, her mouth dry, and unable to speak he looked like he wasn't real, as if he were a romantic comedy or a music video love interest.
He was all of Dylan McKay of West Beverly with the leather jacket with the sheepskin lining, combined with the rough and tumble resemblance to a young James Dean rebel, every teenage daydream conceivable all rolled into one.
He removed his decent polarized Oakleys he wore for riding, he was without his shiny black, cool rider helmet after that, he ran his hand through his hair casually, and that's when it was evident she wasn't dreaming.
It dawned on her who this was. He was this distinguished guy, reminiscent of the boy she left behind. The one she can't get off her mind if she tried. He looked like this Australian model she had a summer fling with in Bora Bora a few years ago, mainly because he had those similar eyes, not to mention he had a rock hard six pack, but those damn beautiful aquamarine eyes.
It was him in the flesh. Not a substitute, not an imitation, not a replacement or a placeholder or a look alike but Sean Cameron, in the flesh. The phantom that haunted her daydreams and interrupted her slumber the one person she loved wholeheartedly and here he was.. She didn't know what to say or do. She was frozen, piqued interested more than she had ever been before with anyone and even him himself all those years ago.
She blinked and wiped her irritated right eye with the sleeve of her sweater because her mascara was sort of melting and tearing up from the heat of the smoke scented like gasoline and but she tried to play it coy and cool. The sparks returned to her like fireworks. Sean Cameron, I'll be goddamned, she thought to herself inaudble.
He parked his bike leaning it against the brick garage type building emblazoned with the words NO PARKING ANYTIME! $250 FINE simultaneously, Sean kicked down the kickstand on his bike with his black leather boots. He could pick her out in a crowded room. He knew it was her, the girl of his dreams, the one who skipped town, the one who got away. Emma Nelson, the former cause girl, the girl obsessed with documentaries, animals, shows like Planet Earth and Ryan's Planet.
He took one look at her and he almost couldn't believe it himself. Sean knew she and Manny would be in touch and this day would eventually come but he never in those wildest dreams thought it would ever happen or so late or so soon or right on time, considering her career and life today and how miles different it is today for both of them both in positives and negatives.
"Well," He muttered surveying the scene as he placed his black framed Oakleys atop his short yet perfectly combed hair on his head. "If this aint some blast from the past," He smiled tossing the last drag of his cigarette aside as he advanced toward her to get a better view and another look see. She was like a buffering computer processing at low rate, she was still processing that it's him, but at least he could speak no matter how shocking or surprising it was. "Emma fucking Nelson, or should I call you legendary, Miss. Lucky, wow, if this aint a sight for sore eyes."
"Um, Sean Cameron, wow." She cooly echoed the sentiment out of her element feeling younger like when she'd get tongue tied upon their first few meetings or times they were alone together in grade 7. They naturally and impuslvely embraced and the shock and awe consumed them quickly they both pulled away. They were unable to to keep their eyes from one another and wanted to savor that moment. They wanted to get another look at each other to make sure it was real, they were at first, unable to process this reunion in their minds or what the built up expectations would be, or what to make of it in the grand scheme. They were completely clueless. They kept things light to keep their hearts and minds safe and at ease. "How've you been? It's been what? It's been ages."
"It has been at least a decade," He was a little surprised to see her, he almost didn't believe it. He kept things light, he got a good look at her, "It's really good to see you." Sean beamed softly making her gush inside, he was just as enchanted himself. Seeing her again dredged up a lot of old feelings to sorrow and to heart tugging, and adoration, "it's a nice surprise, how long you been here in town?"
"Flew in this morning, a very early flight." She confirmed was still reeling from those two small Barefoot Rose's she drank on the flight, what drinks and shots she had with Manny and Craig at lunch, or that was just the butterflies in her stomach and the overwhelming intensity of being in his presence as if no time had passed. She didn't know where this conversation was going to go, truly apprehensive about the spewing of the anger and bitterness but focused on the positive, simultaneously and would cross that bridge if it came along in the near future, while she was here.
She typically resorted to her worst habit when these things happen such as suprises, she opens her mouth and it all comes out like vomit, not making much sense and looking all sorts of foolish and she could feel it happening in the moment and was unable to make it stop. She wanted to be angry but instead she let the conversations and words come up naturally. She doesn't hate him, could it be she's still very much in love with him, so she harbors some sort of hidden resentment for the way things happened to turn out. She had no idea who was talking to her, what if he changed for the worse? What if he'd sell her out to the tabloids. She had every instinct to just drop it and walk off like she does best but instead things played out in an unexpected way.
As he nodded in understanding, short pause followed as she awkwardly, with pursed lips continued to attempt to take this all in at once.
With a skeptical expression, with her arms crossed with closed posture, remaining cautious and light despite the grudge she holds over him like an ACME anvil on a childhood favorite Loony Tunes. "Um yeah, spending the holidays at home for once. This may as well be Oz. Like, just call me Dorothy, far from Kansas," She giggled nervously, embarrassing herself, while screaming cringe at the top of her lungs internally, and still trying and keeping this conversation light and showing it as opposed to keeping it close to the collar. She wanted to make sure she was clear so she added where the reference was form but she was embarrassed and it's humiliating, "The Wizard of Oz of course." Emma was a lot of things, but this took the cake. She hoped he'd say something, anything to change the subject or forget he even heard that.
He let out a awkward and frazzled little chuckle in an attempt to continue lightheartedly before it gets any more weird and awkward. It hasn't quite reached the peak just yet. "It's nice to see you, Em, if you don't mind if I call you that. Didn't Dororthy if memory serves have an AAuntie Em?"
"Yeah," She answered, delayed and defeated, of course still trying to keep her composure, "You know what? It's fine. I-I'm fine. You'll have to excuse me I'm so jetlaged." She grimaced uncomfortably knowing for the millionth time she's made an ass of herself, why should she be surprised?, Emma found herself in disbelief of the verbal diarrhea permiating from her now closed mouth, acting like a little fourteen year old girl, at almost 34 years old, or the age she will be in June. She fakes it, and claims to try and pass as at least 29 forever. If anyone flatters her by IDing her, she'd claim she's at least 20, she has a few years left of being fun. As far as family goes she's the cool aunt. She's not so sure she would be that cool aunt for her god daughter, Kat.
It was weird for the both of them, at a loss for words as far as what to say at the very least. Not exactly or at all how she imagined this whole first meeting after all these years would go. She did come prepared with the liquid courage such as those two miniature bottles for the road on the airplane. With thousands of words on the tip of her tongue, years of shower thoughts, diary entries, wishes, half-baked sonnets, compositions, and lyrics, and whatever else brewing on the back burner variety of things things simmering, latent for years it's the perfect storm of something offensive or inappropriate to come out. She's blanking and unable to say the things she'd want to say, if she could, and it's messing with her head. She's so far out of her element so much so that it's hard to be herself right now and while she used the excuse of the drinks from the plane, she's more likely weaned off and stone cold sober and not prepared for this confrontation period, or what could very well be a moment where she puts her foot in her mouth.
"Indulge and enlighten me, what brings you here in town? It's been what? 18 or so years?"
"I guess it's time to visit. I'm actually spending time with Craig and Manny for the holidays. I don't know if Kat their daughter was abducted by aliens. She always liked me, she and I had an awful fight which is why I'm here. I miss her, especially when she was a child. She and I always had a good relationship. I think she's taking it out of me, she, Craig and Manny would always come my way when we'd have time to get together, and now I think it's my turn to let them host me. I'd be lying if I didn't deserve it for the record I'm not beating myself up."
"Oh Kat? Yeah," He ran his hand nervously through his hair not really sure what to say in regards to Kat, don't take it personal. She's going through a rough time. I'm tight with Craig. He's on her shitlist a lot of the time, I'm even on her shitlist. It's the way it is now, we should know, you and I were young once."
"I just feel guilty, I didn't keep my composure."
"You were gone a long time, that's got to conjure up scars, or abandonment issues, and whatever else. She's also a teenager."
"You're probably right." She grimaced with an outward full body sigh, it's exausting, "I don't know what to say to her, or if I could wait it out and let us both cool off, because she's so ugh! She's frustrating and intimidating and she pushes me, like she wants me to get mad."
"Don't worry, Em it'll work out, like it always does." He changed the subject from Kat, but tried to work through his words carefully in an effort to open up. " I read about you sometimes, you know? Like for like magazine articles and pictorials in US Weekly. I'm cool, hip, I may not keep up with the Kardashian's," he rolled his eyes, "I try to keep some tabs on you, at the very least." He chuckled as she made a face realizing how stupid he sounded feining like he's fine, this is one of the biggest things to happen in a long time.
He's not necessarily starstruck or anything, but he's only human, the fact is they had a history, and even now she's a beautiful woman hanging on his every word, still very transfixed and interested in him, and what he has to say and this moment as fleeting as it may be managed to crack the facade and break the mold to who she truly is inside beyond the refection of glamour and sex appeael and he isn't immune to the charms that is Emma Nelson, forgetting all about Lucky the act, persona, entertainer extraordinaire.
She shines through, as she looked on with soft beam, he was finding himself smiling right beside her as they looked at one another. He joked to keep things light they may be cut from different fabrics and lived in different worlds, apart for so long but somehow it's the best they both felt ina long time, a cordial, kindhearted moment they both didn't want to end. He did feel guilty for losing his temper earlier, he just was so lost without her, bitter without her, sadder without her, not everything was a shitshow, not everything was bleak, but it wasn't something that mattered, but if she were by his side, it wouldn't matter because he'd do anything in his power to keep her by his side again, as cheesy as it sounds. He still longed for the girl of the past, but the woman before him is still just as much the same, he still loved her, even if she was miles out of his league because he just could feel the vibe radiating off of her in her beauty and youth in tact, her down to earth from the cracks in the perfect veneer of her girlie bad girl persona, she's still greenpeace enviornmentalist, earth angel for lack of a better terms Emma Nelson.
He softly muttered a confession to continue the overall light tone of this deep, yet significant conversation. "I didn't talk to any outlets. I'm a closet fan, your music is a little too teeny bopper, bubblegum, and girly for my taste on most occasions but I do, sometimes, more than sometimes listen to you." She wasn't insulted but made a intrigued and surprised expression show upon her minimally made up face, as if she was about to open up her mouth for a response or a rebuttal. She decided against it and he concluded with, "No offense to you or anything. I'm a guy, so, I don't always but a lot of the time."He wanted to tell her he did miss her when she was gone but that's what came out.
"Right." She answered amused, with a stupid smile, careful not to rock this cordial boat and the civil nature of this step above small talk conversation, covertly hiding and being the opposite of honest of complete honestly, holding back, controlling the impulsivity of it all, the spontaneity and calm, to keep peace, to find tidbits not large chunks in the form of words, not formal just easy, soft and most importantly lighthearted, even if they had heavy hearts burdened by this very large elephant in the room, the phantoms, demons and the past looming in the subconscious, haunting yet comforting them in the same cool breath. She thought to herself, tell me how you really feel. Insult me even when pretending to be nice. When does the other shoe fall?
She managed a chuckle, "None taken."
"Good," Sean stated and then joked once more, "It's no where near how bad we were, amiright? You know, with Kat."
"It's mildly comforting to know. Honestly, despite a few things, we were good people. You could say that, sure." Emma added, "I mean I didn't hang out like in the party crowd, I used to think that was just the norm, like apparently I was conceived at a kegger with underage kids, my mom and Shane, my biological father, I mean they were two drunk, horny teenagers, nine months later you know the fucked up story, it was probably the last good night we had before, before I moved away."
Sean and Emma had a special night alone, before the big break up. It was about a day or two after she ran off to Stoufville with Craig. She informed him about her dad's condition and all that. Tracker was out with Wendy and they popped in a DVD and ordered in a pizza from Lorenzos with the double cheese on the couch but they didn't really watch the movie as they were distracted by one another in more ways than one. They did more than kiss, and they kept that locked to their chest like a hand grenade, they didn't talk about it, and even when he was talking shit with his Candy Bandit friends after the split, he kept that part to himself. Sean and Emma lost their virginities to one another, and shortly after it all ended the way it did, and it caused a lifetime of regret in it's wake.
Sean wasn't a party guy, he'd been to and threw many especially when he first started living on his own, or was unsupervised before Tracker moved away. He started dating a girl named Wendy he met at the bar of course, he frequented a pool hall after hours to blow off steam and give Sean time on his own, then he'd pick up a six pack head home after the grocery store for he and Sean to have a light dinner before passing out in front of the tv or in in the back bedroom, that's when he met Wendy and soon he was out until closing time on weekends and home late on the weekdays. Sean was on his own for dinner at that time, it sucked too because he hadn't been over Emma's at that time because of Snake's cancer diagnosis and trearments, Emma had to take care of the house, but they still found ways. He'd sneak downstairs in her basement front he window by the washer and dryer laundry area, once he almost caused a commotion because he fell from the window and dove face first into a wicker hamper. He thought for sure they'd get caught, he always made sure to leave early enough and do it all over again the next night and the next and soon it had become a regular occurrence. When the breakup ensued, she missed those nights, the comfort the late night conversations both wholesome, rebellious and, romantic. Her window that faced the bed as they cuddled while enveloped in one anothers arms can be observed to the stars, they'd make wishes and reminisce, they'd talk about the things they wound't normally discuss, but felt safe to in that place. He told her about his rough childhood, she told him about her family too, and some of their hopes, dreams, wishes, and fears.
They silently wished they'd beat the odds, despite their differences, with heart, with all their heart they'd stay together no matter what. They listened to songs by romantic contemporaries at the time softly on Sean's enormous earphones they'd lay them on the same pillow against the wall, and by six thirty he'd quietly sneak back home.
"It's whatever, Emma. You're smart, smarter than me and all. I know everyone is dealing with shit. I'm sure you had some shitty hands, but you lucked out, you grew up and life is I'm sure fabulous. Pardon the pun."
"Sean, wow, you're full of those dad jokes and puns today. It's pretty impressive."
She awkwardly managed it though pretty well without laughing like a hiena. "Not to toot my own horn. You were in the right place, wrong time, a lot has changed since you left, good and bad. You should cut her some slack, just talk to her when you're calm."
Emma made a useless excuse, "I would, but don't want to overstep with Manny or Craig."
"When has it ever stopped you?"
"A lot has changed, Sean."
He paused, "You were always good at that."
"Good at what, enlighten me?"
"I don't know if you can handle that."
"I think I could, potentially." Emma sighed, "Ugh I can't though, with her, she's impossible, she's so stubborn. Did I mention her bad attitude?"
"Like I said I don't know what it is with her, but I think she'll live, and get through her life but this is all relative and temporary. You guys will find your groove or common ground, likely if you spent more time around here. How long you in town?"
"I haven't planned it until the first week of January after New Years."
"Nice, maybe I'll see you around then."
She let the verbal diaharea she kept at bay spew out, "I might just check into the Barley Valley though. It's so Full House at their place, little claustrophobic it's for the best given on the weird tension between Kitty, I mean Kat. It's like all the charm, novelty, nostalgic vibes, and I love it lowkey, but like without an Uncle Jesse.
Sean was uncomfortable with her half-baked notion of getting out of everyone's hair because of Kat would help smooth or remedy the situation, in reality it would drive more of a wedge and perhaps would make it worse if the object is to bond with her god daughter, her friends, and perhaps if there's time coming to terms and coming close to understanding one another as the people they grew to be definitely older, more distinguished, and maybe not wiser, but no matter, who exactly they are and who they've grown to become today. There are loads of words to say, loads to unpack in terms of emotional damages, grieviances and baggage, bonds to be forged, and a lot to speak upon in terms of the filling in.
"They got a spa so I can get a massage, it'll be fine." She was nonchalant on it unaware considering all too well Emma is inept a
"I can still go over, but maybe I just need to separate myself and work on Kat when we're both calm and collected. I think if I stuck around their place it could make that impossible or less likely we could come to let bygones be bygones."
"You're never one to back down, it'll blow over and plus you came here to be with family and friends."
Emma's words here shifted gears and she wasn't sure if she should let it slip but since they were being a little honest she managed a slight petty dig, "Last I checked we weren't friends, at the time anyway."
"If I remember correctly you didn't even say goodbye." Sean commented cold, and matter-of-factly he managed to fight back calmly in a question, in a bitter scoff he added in addition, "How could we be friends? I haven't seen you in person for years. I wonder if I know you at all, or if I ever did. The Emma I knew would've at least said goodbye or better yet, would've visited at the very least. Wouldn't complain about claustrophobia, was preoccupied with causes and petitions not complaining about spending time with your friends." Emma and Sean had a lot of history, and arguably weren't friends and it was nothing but love separated and spanning time.
She continued sarcastically unable to backdown or hide her contempt, "Oh yeah, this is my first time in town since I left, so um yeah sure! I'll get right on that."
"Yeah, you should. Maybe you shouldn't stick around here and, oh I don't know move the fuck back home? That would serve you right."
She scoffed angrily loading more and more logs to stock the fire, "I moved on, you're so fucking jealous you couldn't leave this place. Why are you still around? I didn't come here for this. I figure you'd be gone yourself with your brother touring the world on your stupid motorcycles right after graduation, or wait come to think about it, when I left you were flunking out, right? Isn't that right, Sean?"
"Long story I really don't want to get into. Why are you around? Really, clear the air right now!"
She sighed, "No. I don't need to explain myself."
He rolled his eyes and shook his head, it got worse, if he could believe it. "Screw it, I don't even care or want to know."
She rushed to explain but stammered the whole time and was clearly bothered and uncomfortable with the notion of bearing her soul. Emma spent roughly the better part of the past 18 years trying to get the words out in some way without sounding selfish. "Well Sean, if you must know, Aspen didn't get snow, the airbnb I rented was being cleaned this week in an emergency development. So it was short notice at the 11th hour and just so you know if you must knowI got my money back because they cancelled in the right stretch or amount of time. It dawned on me and I remembered Manny invited me. Manny always invites me honestly, and Mom and Snake aren't exactly getting any younger, and to ease them. I'm here for the time being. My first vacation and I'm already feeling interrogated and judged not by like a interviewer or professional, but by you?"
"Okay I think we're done here." Sean dismissively remarked preparing his keys for his ride back.
She followed him to scream back uninterrupted and not checking the words like typically, "Why don't you walk a mile in my shoes before you go and judge me?" She and that damn bad attitude again asking something more and it stung, "What was there to stick around for at that time?"
"Nice going, you need to grow up. Just in case you didn't know, newsflash Emma, being rich doesn't mean abandoning people who care about you when you were a nobody and a nothing to these fake people. It's a scam, for a smart girl you're, so frustratingly stupid. You bought into that shit hook, line, and sinker you're complicit. You're so ugh!.Now you're like here in town, years later, and nobody cares about that because you fucked everyone over, and now being all fake nicey nice isn't gonna fix it. You aint some Mary Poppins blast from the past, you're cold, hard, shiny, plastic with your fancy clothes, your perfect life and career, don't do us any favors, you don't need us and we sure as hell, I'm speaking from a place of truth here, do not under any circumstances need you to throw money at us for your guilt and superiority, we don't need you. Please do us all a favor get off your high horse and grow the hell up. We don't care, I don't care, I'm not gonna mince words, you made your bed when you pissed off and ran away and left everyone else to deal with that, you checked out." His voice cracked as he preoccupied himself avoiding her eyes, "you couldn't bother to say goodbye either."
Her mouth dropped but she was neck and neck with her cruelty, cheap shots and insults.
"I need to grow up?" She asked out loud rhetroically quickly adding to the complete sentence, "So what, you may have stuck by home took the high road or whatever, right?I don't judge, that's a choice, your choice. Newsflash, you don't know me to judge me, not anymore."
"What the heck? Newsflash?"
She dismissed him, "Whatever, Sean. I don't have time for this."
"Not me either, time is money, you know that I know what that was really about, your wonderful career and shit, yeah."
She ignored him, "I'm honestly a little tired, It's been a long time, okay. Times change and so have you and I. You've got more money but that's not necessarily important, no loyalty, even more problems, you're miserable and lucky in the same breath and you're and squandering it, and ruining your success by being salty about some teenager whose life you checked out of a long time ago and got your priorities in a twist."
"I resent that, screw you! I don't need a lecture from someone like you who didn't do anything with their pathetic life!"
"Listen to me okay? You have no idea who you're talking to."
"Oh hell yeah I do, and you better back the fuck up."
"No, you do. Okay, Emma it's been a long time. You don't know jack shit about my life." He shook his head with disappointment with gritted teeth this wasn't what he wanted he had complicated issues and feelings and thought they were fine, and then another silence enveloped them. Sean was getting angrier and burning up, and didn't want to say something he'd come to regret, he needed to get out of dodge quickly, before self destructing or exploding, it all came to a head so fast. Old wounds seemed to be dredged, feathers ruffled, tempers flaring for two of them, Emma poked his grizzly bear like denfeses, and things were going from positive and cordial and giving way to cruel digs and insults, and petty personal attacks. He bitterly exited the conversation, "You know what? Screw you right back." She gasped seeing red waiting for a 'come back' to hit him with he quickly added, "You know, I don't care. I got enough shit to worry about this time of year. Must be nice to be some fucking millionare. Goodbye."
"Right back at you, good talk." She sarcastically lamented awaiting him to leave, "you're such a fucking jerk. I wish I never ran into you."
He entertained her and raised her with, "When did you turn from a prude princess square to a completely insufferable bitch? I liked you better then, before, move aside, we'll leave it at that, and don't answer that, case you're too out of your mind over it all, that was rhetorical."
"Good to know." Emma laden with so much resentment she can hardly contain herself. "I guess some things never change. You're still a jerk, you didn't change at all, you have no heart, you're bitter, who the fuck cares? I sure don't."
As he prepared his bike for another reckless cruz around time he bitterly attempted to part ways with, "Merry fucking Christmas to you, if I don't see you, have a nice life!"
"Really, you're doing this right now?"
"You know, there's a silver lining in this, Emma so listen up. I'm from the bottom of my according to you hard and colder than today, I'm so glad it, your life, is happening so far away from me, just do me and everyone a favor, go to hell."
Emma snapped out from that confusion and overwhelming feeling of that she fucked up.
She didn't get the chance to say what she really wanted to say before it all got out of control. She quickly backtracked and tried to stop him, even if it were dangerous. She wasn't afraid.
Her felt guilty feelings and need to be right could have this all slip between her fingers and she wanted no part in that fate, letting her anger get the best of her, and realized this wasn't necessarily a fair fight could be a failure and spell out nothing good for them.
Sean was clearly bothered about lots of other things and perhaps offended him. HIs initial reaction was favorable, and even funny, and sweet, with a tinge of stress going on internally. She at least wanted to end the conversation on a positive note. "Whoa stop it. Sean! Seriously? I didn't- wait Sean." She followed him closer to his bike as he continued to boil and fester adjusting his helmet strap with his Oakleys back on shielding his lovely greenish eyes, " I don't know why you're all bent out of shape. I'm sorry about whatever I said, what is it call me on it don't act like a sore loser sucky baby. Please, use your words."
He answered avoiding her gaze attempting to put on his helmet but she kind of distracts him, bewitching him somehow, he tries not to show it and bitterly grimaces unhappily muttering in response, "We talked enough. You're a walking faux pas."
"What? Excuse me?"
"So like I said, Emma, Lucky whatever you are, whoever you are, I do not care but with all due respect, welcome home, but I'm out. Let me know where you'll be so I can avoid you."
"Evidently there's a lot we haven't talked about." She tried to let it roll off, and tried not to get mean and her temper up, "Not be that person but what about you? If you're so perfect?"
With gritted teeth full of frustration he questioned her bitterly, "Answer me this Emma, am I perfect or am I pathetic?" She scoffed and furrowed her brow, "What a joke to entertain, and why bother?" He let out a laugh that wasn't funny in the slightest as he added insult to injury, "You'll forget all about me, like you did for the past quarter century. You're gonna never look back after you return to your stupid mansions and nice cars. You didn't really intend to come around at all, so go! We don't need your pity. I won't mention Aspen they'll see it eventually, Manny was your best friend and she struggles so much without you here in town, she misses you and she'll never admit that. So do us all a favor and go home, and don't do us little people any favors. I don't like who you became and this aint your home anymore, you burned those bridges when you became hoity toity hotsy totsy and vapid.. Vapid and shallow, so you," he points at her sneering, "You, just leave me alone." She tried to interject and reached out with her arms but he dodged her away as he lamented, "Let me go!"
She narrowed her eyes in disbelief listening to his bitter fighting words, following still standing, there was clearly something going on with him they didn't get to touch on the brief fleeting moment of civity that took a dark turn in a hairpin trigger, and he's taking it out on her pinning his anger on her. It's happened before in the fights or the one fight to end all fights and Sean chose fight and then flight.
She decided to surrender and remove her hands from his bike and step aside. He again lost his temper again because she pathetically stood there trying to stop him, trying and failing to calm him and quiet him from insulting her as he repeated once more, "Do us all a favor, we don't need your pity!"
She couldn't believe what she was hearing and instead stammered out half words and nothing, all these half starts and she gave up trying to remedy and left things the way they were walking backward out of his potential path to get away and avoid injury. To imply about Craig and Manny not needing her either wasn't the best thing to say considering her immense guilt for making up for lost time, the years of miscommunications, cancellations and conflicting plans and such finds struck a nerve and she was immediately hurt. It wasn't just Sean she ran from. "You're like a Malibu Barbie, beautiful, right?" His voice cracked hiding behind his sunglasses, he scoffed again full of contempt, "Shiny and plastic, beautiful again because tha'ts what seems to matter, as you are shallow. I never liked that kind of girls, and I ain't gonna start now. You can't be genuine, look at you, your music is apparently lovely, it's simply noise without messages, mostly Britney Spears cast-offs, covers, and stupid bubble gum garbage."
She protested, "It's not garbage, fuck you!"
He was offended and still stuck on anger and he was starting to become even more unmanaged, he responded with a spat, "Fuck you too."
She yelled out loud disgruntled and hostile, yet still very insincere letting her anger lead the way, "I hate you!"
"Are you pissed off enough to go the fuck home? I don't want you in my life, meddling, using people like you've been apparently the victim, used, I ain't dumb." He slowly circled her like a wolf, he questioned one more time lamented in question continuing his angry tirade rooted in hurt and misguided feelings, "Pissed? This is the real deal. It's whatever, maybe in twenty years or so we can do this again, it's been real," He snickered shrugging his shoulders sarcastically remarking smiling through his anger, which is a dangerous line, "Maybe real, or fake, you know Emma or Miss Lucky, I honestly can't keep up with you anymore or be bothered. In a few years you'll be a used up, talentless hag." he sarcastically shrugged adding, "What the hell should I care? I spent years and decades without you, what's another? I could go the rest of my so-called pathetic life away from you. You know, you got lucky."
She shook her head fighting back more fighting words and her tears and trying so hard not to scream and burst and explode like a canon, she had years of ammunition and she really felt so confused and so hurt. He was speaking from a place of hurt, maybe he was justified or she deserved to hear some of this from someone other than Kat. "Stay away from me, okay? Do not call me, do not go whining to Manny that I'm so awful, go home. You left right? Do it again, I dare you." He added softly as he prepared to exit the area leaving her behind in the dust through the rearview, "I didn't need this shit today."
With those parting words, he revved up his Harley and sped away in yet another cloud of smoke.
She was even angrier than she started out or ever thought possible. Why did she come back to this place? Why did she expect to be welcomed with open arms? For someone, people think she is cool or at least happy which she's neither. He tore her up and used every insecurity against her, some he knew all about others he knew nothing about.
She was trying to avoid this kind of thing, nothing could've prepared her for this. Wishful thinking is hopeless as it is futile.
Emma was so mad she cried an eruption like pouring rain from her brown eyes, followed by that lack of breath struggle before sobbing loudly, it was a real visceral cry, which is humiliating in the alleyway where passersby could potentially see her or maybe worse find out her secret alter ego and identity. Suddenly, she's the girl who skipped town at fourteen again, not the big powerful mogul she blossomed and transformed into over time like this butterfly, who moved to greener pastures but left her heart at home, who cried, who's deeply hurt, the tears she's either swallowed or even tried to stop her tears and save them for the shower, the bedroom, another day or for the songwriting in the studios and recordings. This cut her deep. Degrassi isn't her home, toronto isn't, is she really simply a Hollywood girl and soon to be as he says a hasbeen, a hag?
With a frustrated deep sigh and an exhale, Emma muttered to herself under her breath, "Fuck me!" She groaned and continued to sob uncontrollably thinking to herself, Me and my big mouth saying the wrong thing. Some things never change.
"Fuck!", She full of anger muttered to herself silently pacing to evade the smoke, taking her time getting back to the Riverside section of town just minutes away, West of where she was. He's still the same jerk who broke my heart years ago. He's the one who needs to grow up. Sean has always been hot-tempered, a hot guy but a cold heart like every other guy I ever dated if not he's worse, full stop.
It's fabled all good things come to an end. Now she was sure she needed most was a drink, to drown out her sorrows.