Where Are You Now?

by andthecosmogirl

When Emma Nelson left for the limelight in late December 2003, she didn't look back and hadn't been back since. Life went on in her absence, but she left everything behind, and ran from her problems, and arguably her heart broke even more in the process. / An AU, OG's as adults, Future!fic set December of 2023 at Christmas and the past, eventual SeanEmma.

13. 11 Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

Author Note: This is a big, biggest chapter, so it jumps through the night and showcases lots of characters. I debated this chapter and cutting it up and it worked best like this. Thanks for the support on the story. I wanted to make the update with a note within it to explain that. Thanks for kind words and reviews. Thanks, Brimi

-x-x-x-

You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear,

Voices singing "Let's Be Jolly,

Deck the halls with bells & holly."

Rockin' around the Christmas Tree

Have a happy Holiday.

Everyone dancin' merrily in the new old-fashioned way.

Brenda Lee /

Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

Released 1958

Chapter 11

Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

Elsewhere back at Joey's in Manny's section of the garage loft, the girls were getting ready for the evening. "Can you zip this up for me?" Emma asked her back to the mirror while applying some darker brown lipstick to her lips.

The girls were oblivious to what the guys were doing. Kat was away busy in her room texting her boyfriend here and there while wearing her noise-canceling headphones as she listened to music in a pretty basic black strappy dress, needless to say, he wasn't invited to the party because she was grounded. The party is the only glimmer of excitement or lack thereof.

Kat wanted to stay out of Emma's way, almost resentful and embarrassed by her famous aunts' arrival, but deep down it all comes from a place of hurt. She felt that Emma was embarrassed by them, or her because she was so distant and far away from them like they weren't good enough for her and she doesn't understand why her family dotes on her when she believes her to be ingenuine and a bit selfish, self-centered, stuck up, and oblivious to everyone's struggles. Her age doesn't reflect her maturity or vice versa, and Kat feels miles more mature or grown up than Emma who is spontaneous, headstrong, driven, successful, and rich beyond their wildest dreams but is a black cloud sour puss and nothing like the happy shiny persona she puts on while the camera's glare and the music is on, the stage is set, and goes through the motions. Kat could arguably be just as stubborn and hardheaded, but she just expected more from someone she once looked up to, whom her family loved. She fails to see why she's so great.

When she's alone with her thoughts, it pains her like a burden or a wound. Kat would be lying that this year had been challenging. Last year was the beginning of that change, the nutshell gist was that she had gone to a huge kegger rager-esque party with two of her girlfriends. He lived in the bigger houses on the edge of town resembling McMansions and parents who were rarely home, had money to just disappear, and left their kids largely unsupervised. She had a crush on this senior named Cody Chandler.

He was Mr. High School, a walking stereotype with perfect skin with little to no blemishes, a toned and fit physique, a lovely smile with beautiful green eyes, and blonde hair.

Chandler was a cool, popular, kind of player, super athletic. sharp dresser, and hopelessly handsome. She didn't think she had a chance with someone as good-looking as him. Kat was conventionally pretty, but she didn't feel pretty and she was quiet and bookish, not really into the social aspect of high school but she admired him. He was always nice though but the consensus was that he was this wonderful trustworthy and kind guy and she knew from experience at least early on, that she could trust that.

She had a few electives with him since those were open to all students regardless, and they sat near each other and would sometimes be project partners, with her being a junior she sort of looked up to him and found him very attractive and he had this allure about him, ever since he let her down she hadn't trusted herself or her intuition. He invited her to the party his friend was throwing the weekend before his senior prom. She figured if all went well, perhaps he'd ask her and she'd be on his arm for the big dance. He had a lot of charming aspects to him, everyone loved him all the girls wanted to date him.

She was nervous upon arrival, even in the company of her friends so she drank some drinks, pregamed, for liquid courage against her better judgment. She felt more confident and was able to muster up a facade or mirage of limited confidence but he was already interested it wasn't of pure intentions but rather for some less than genuine intentions. She felt a bit odd after he had refilled her drink and whole gaps of the night were missing from her memories.

The way she sees it now, he did what he did because he could, and in turn got away with it. She never told anyone about what happened, perhaps the people she had confided in used it as a reason to excuse themselves from her life, like her friend whose shoes she had barfed upon after coming to.

She dealt with it all wrong. Entire chunks of that night where she sipped her first drinks, at her very first high school party, and shared her virginity, and she's reduced to just another notch on the bedpost and nothing more. At the very least he graduated that June, and she never had to see him again, and she thought she'd feel some semblance of relief but it's been harder and harder to keep it to herself and the longer time went by she felt less likely if she did spill the beans things would be sideways and it could be worse than keeping it to herself. No one knows, and she's grateful to her knowledge he didn't tell anyone about it. She doesn't even know what to call what happened aside from something bad happened.

Since that party, she's been pretty much hiding away. She feels more and more depressed these days and isolates herself so she won't hurt or lash at others. She's been ignoring the stressors, and her discomfort and she hasn't clued her family in the secret and insecurities that come with it have been eating her alive. No matter how she sliced up or tried to find the words they never came out, and she'd choke. She didn't want to admit something like that would happen to her, because no one in her family had gone through something like that. If she was going to tell someone, she'd tell someone totally or somewhat removed from the situation, like maybe her Aunt Emma. A part of her, despite her resentment thinks that she could be the aunt she always was in her mind, and not tip off her parents. Maybe sharing could strengthen her relationship with her. She watched enough television to see where this could go potentially in regards to what she'd have to go through next, but at least she would've opened up and not kept it to herself, not even her friends, or her new boyfriend.

As for her boyfriend Paul, she met him in September in her art class, he's kind of a rebellious guy, a musician, and even though he's got this rough exterior.

Her millennial parents, worry because he's a walking stereotypical bad boy, but they're judging by his exterior. He's sweet, and kind of academically dumb, but possesses immense love and genuine interest, admiration, curiosity, and adoration for Kat, has this big heart, and while he's unaware of what happened to his girlfriend, he knows she's going through something, he wishes she'd open up about it. They have had intimacy issues, she's mostly all talk about how she's experienced, talking a whole lot of game, but he suspects she likes to maintain a facade about herself and doesn't know what's true or untrue with her history not that it's any of his business. She rarely develops, they'd yet to have sex for real, but they dance around it and he suspects something happened but neither of the two of them had ever had a conversation about it. So this all plays out in the background. All in all, he's nothing like Chandler, he's arguably a much better guy than he was. Paul has that goth, rock influence, he's all about the music. He doesn't play into sex, drugs, and rock and roll, he's never even sipped alcohol. He is often the designated driver.

He has his reasons, his mom died in a drunk driving accident when he was a child, and has lived with his dad ever since. His dad who has a hands-off approach to parenting, works a lot, and they despite living together don't have much of a relationship. He learned to take care of himself a long time ago, and despite this, he hasn't any temperamental tendencies, he's a good student but his looks throw people off coupled with the fact he looks a little older than his age. He's very conscious of current events, sometimes he cares so much about them he makes enemies when he debates with people. Craig and Manny hate debating with him or dealing with him, but they try to be polite as well as supportive to keep peace. Manny has a bad feeling about him most of this comes from the fact that her daughter has something going on, and they feel he's taking advantage of her they don't know the whole story, but based on their limited experience it's certainly possible.

Manny and Craig knew what falling in love did to their futures, the sacrifices they made for Kat's life, safety, and happiness, and they didn't want her to go through the same struggles that they did. While there were some positives to having their daughter so young, and their relationship had progressed from hookup to rock-solid romance, it wasn't all easy and it didn't happen overnight. For a long time, Manny had all the feelings and Craig wanted to be who his dad wasn't and stand by her because it was the right thing to do, but grew to love her and now he's ready for the next step. With the glimpse he had of Manny's experience growing up, he wanted to shield her and Kat from that. He realizes that some things are beyond his control and he's accepted it for the most part but he still tries to be subtly honest with Kat because that's his baby. Even though they don't always see eye to eye, she will always be his little girl who means the world to him to see her happy. The fact she isn't the shining, bubbly, happy girl scares the crap out of him as all of their combined efforts to protect her from the bad parts of the world, or bad guys would be in vain.

The doorbell rang as Manny was changing into her outfit for the night and she called Kat because she was still in the other room and unable to get the door, "Honey, Katrina! Kat!"

She was too busy listening to music thinking deeply that she wasn't concentrating on the outside world, somewhat in a daze. Manny grew impatient as the unknown person at the door rang the bell once more,

"Paul Sheilds."

"Ms. Santos," He offered a charming smile, "is Kat home?"

"Kat!" She yelled behind her, "Your boyfriend is here!" He was impressed at her volume, and kind of nervous, it showed.

Emma assumed she was listening to music again, so she quickly ventured toward Kat's bedroom on the other side of the house and knocked on her open door jam politely trying to get her attention, even Emma heard Manny she was that loud. Finally, she snuck up behind her and removed her earphones from her ears, "You have a visitor."

She wordlessly dashed down the stairs to meet him. Her mom didn't look necessarily happy, "Did you tell him you are grounded?"

"If I may, I just wanted to give Kat her Christmas present, I'm going over to my aunts tomorrow for the next couple of days in Maine, Ms. Santos, with all due respect."

Emma was then unfortunately spotted by the oft-storied Paul, "Is that multiplatinum recording artist Lucky in your living room?"

She let out a nervous laugh and improvised remaining loyal to the rouse to defend her aunt despite whatever was going on with them, "That's my aunt Em, I told you about her coming up for the holidays, purely a coincidence." She led him outside and tried to soften. Manny and Emma both let out a massive sigh of relief, realizing how close they came to about a million questions they weren't in the mood to answer. Thanks to Kat's quick thinking, Manny could care less if she spent the night out of the house and with Paul for that improvisation.

He was still carrying the red glitter medium-sized gift bag with white and gold papers protruding out like a firework. She led him by the hand to sit on the porch on the porch swing together to sit. "So Kat we've been together three months, and it's amazing."

"Yeah," She beamed softly unable to wipe the smile off his face. "It's pretty amazing."

"It is, so I wanted to get you some things."

"Aw, you shouldn't have, babe." He placed the bag on her lap excitedly, "Can I open it now?"

"Nope, you got to wait until Christmas." She made a skeptical face, "Nah you can open it. Besides, my favorite part will be your reaction."

She kissed Paul sweetly on the cheek and then noticed she had left a large imprint on his cheek with her lipstick. "Thanks. I'm sure I'll love it either way. Merry Christmas."

"Mery Christmas, Kat."

She opened up the bag and first was the card. If her mother taught her anything it was to open the card first so she opened it up. It had a vintage-looking Santa next to a tree with milk and cookies in the artwork on the front with Merry Christmas in a script typeface and she looked inside with two tickets for their favorite band, behind the tickets the message was pretty standard as far as cards go, below the greeting she saw some hand-drawn stars and hearts and the words I love you above his signature. She was very touched by this sentiment. She felt guilty because she wanted to say the words, but she didn't want to not mean them. She just took it all in and was unable to stop smiling. She looked at him and smiled, "Thank you, babe."

Inside he had gotten her a maroon cardigan she saw at the mall a few weeks ago she joked she'd sell her kidney for, some pretty earrings she saw online at his house on Etsy that he remembered and purchased, three vinyls for her record collection, and a dress she could wear to the concert which is going to be Valentine's Day weekend, "Wait the tickets are in LA?" She changed the subject, "How are we gonna get there?"

"Well my dad gets these frequent flier miles on his credit card, he's racked up quite a bit so we're gonna fly. We're going to be staying at a hotel there for the weekend. Merry Christmas." He was a bit hurt that she didn't say the three words in the card. While she did feel that way she was tongue-tied and unable to get words out. "This is going to be amazing, I mean this is amazing. You outdid yourself."

"Oh my God, I love you so much."

Without hesitation, they kissed passionately on the cute little porch swing. She pulled away remembering she had gifts for him too, "Merry Christmas." She handed her gift to him also in a bag but this one had like a Nightmare Before Christmas theme.

"It sucks my mom and my dad grounded me."

Manny thought to herself for a second as she and Emma noticed Kat and Paul had been on the porch, retreating to check on the two love birds on the porch she decided to ease up and let Paul stay for the party after all. "No drinking tonight you two, so Paul you can stay. I'm not that evil."

Paul gave her a thumbs up and flashed a charming smile, "You're seriously cool, Ms. Santos."

She felt so old when he was super formal addressing her the way he did, she was a mixture of humor and a bit flattered, "You can call me Manny, alright?"

Kat still unable to wipe the smile off her face raised her brow and Manny told the teens, "It's freezing, now get inside you two." She was pleased to see Paul had gifted not only in material but also a genuine smile on her daughter's face, and for that, he deserves the gold star treatment for being invited to the party. She's tough when she has to be, but for good reason. What Paul had done, hadn; n't completely won her over, after all, he was a teenage boy but it was priceless. Manny is a sucker for romance, she doesn't know it yet but there's a lot of love to see this night.

Emma didn't know if Sean was going to show up tonight. She waited by the obnoxiously large clock and

She got a bit of false hope, as the doorbell rang, and in came Craig's work friends Manny's theater group friends and work colleagues, college friends, and more who started making their way shuffling in with gifts and bottles of various drinks from wine to brandy and more. Emma made sure she set up her famous spiked eggnog garnished with nutmeg in the big punch bowl shaped like Marty Moose like Clark's in National Lampoons Christmas Vacation with a few matching Wally World glasses to go with. All these people were strangers to her, they probably wouldn't have been if she hadn't kept her distance for so long, but she remained optimistic.

Manny impatiently sent Craig a text, the guys had taken much longer than they intended.

Attention Mall Shoppers the mall will be closing in 15 minutes. I repeat the mall will be closing in 15 minutes. Happy holidays to you and your families. The time is now 8:45 pm.

"Maybe We should jet. I'm sure people are starting to arrive."

"I would like to be finished with my Christmas shopping by tonight so I have tomorrow while I'm hungover and shit to wrap and Oh my God you gotta see this." Sean had his hands in his pockets and was ready to go but Craig impulsively shifted his focus to the case of rings and saw one he missed, "Sean! Look." Finally, Craig saw the ring to end all rings at the jewelry counter. It was about $360 over his initial budget but he was good for the money, and it was the final and most important purchase of the holiday season and he was going to go for it. It was a beautiful gold ring with embellishments and an impressive princess cut stone, something Manny would enjoy. It had all the glamour of the fairytale rings she'd browse and think he didn't notice and it happened to be the jeweler's most expensive of the season and the most elegant of the bunch he asked to look at. He got a little bit knocked off, so the $360 wasn't so over budget. He got her size from another ring she wears often enough, his mother's ring which he gifted to her as a promise ring when they first started this journey together twenty years this February. This would be perfect, this was the ring he was going to propose with.

Sean was impressed, he'd seen Craig drop for guitars at music stores and thrift shops and joked, "If you want to look at it you'll need sunglasses. If that stone was any brighter he could blind someone."

"The gold to the left, that's the one." Craig excitedly told the guy at the counter, paid and they ran through the mall to their vehicles.

In the parking lot, Sean hesitated in his thoughts, as he put his helmet on. He reluctantly got Emma something while out at the mall today but felt uncomfortable about this whole party thing. Plus, he had to get ready because he went to the mall straight from work so he was going to get a shower, get dressed, and gift wrap Emma's gift before he headed to the party. Being fashionably late was in his DNA. "I'll be there but I have a pitstop to make."

"I'll see you later on tonight, dude. Thanks for the support." Sean nodded quietly in acknowledgment and then put his helmet on to head on.

When he arrived home Ellie had a mutual friend Alex over the two of them were smoking weed drinking a few cold beers on the couch and watching some comedy film on Netflix. "Sean! How ya been?" Alex got up off the couch and hugged him. She reeked like a weed, and he thinks he managed to catch a secondhand high from the aroma alone.

Alex hadn't been around, she was staying with her aunt in Ajax and then bouncing around, couch surfing but home for the week at her mom's place. They patched things up, Chad isn't in the picture anymore and hasn't been since he was jailed about ten years ago for theft and armed robbery, and he hadn't paid taxes in decades! It was a lot. She's more Ellie's friend than Sean's friends anyhow so he finds these things out through Ellie. Ellie still has her beat in who is messier, Alex's mess is circumstantial where Ellie doesn't want to do jack shit about her situation. "It's been what? Five years?"

"So how have you been?"

"Craig's having a thing at his house, so I'm about to get ready to go. Rain check?

"C'mere." Ellie reached out to Sean, and kissed him softly, a kiss filled with the aromas of marijuana mixed with Jose Cuervo and the rest of the liquor cabinet. "How was work?"

Sean distantly answered wondering how she was in high spirits until the kiss that felt pretty insignificant and he was immune to that not just because Emma was in town for the first time in a long time but because he had checked out of their relationship a long time ago and now they're just simply pretending. As long as he knew her she wasn't exactly ever jazzed over Christmas. She doesn't decorate but she will buy presents for people and herself on Amazon. Sean answered, "Eh it was okay."

"You two are so cute. How long has it been and y'all haven't said I do?"

Ellie and Sean look at each other uncomfortably and then back at Alex, "We just aren't thinking about that." Alex could see Ellie's mood deflate but she didn't say anything realizing she might've poked or provoked Ellie into another emotional tailspin.

Sean unaware excused himself to the shower. He turned in the hot water and took a quick shower by comparison, but he just wanted to get out of dodge eager to get over to Manny and Craig's. Ellie was suspicious and nosy while he was in the shower and checked his sherpa-lined leather jacket's pocket, she planned to take some cash and snoop, but what she found was pretty damning, Alex joined her, "He's cheating."

"How are you so sure?"

"Dump his ass."

Ellie turned to Alex and then back at the little box, although she was oblivious to Emma's physical presence in town, she'd been fighting with her for his affections and impact for almost as long as she'd been gone.

She fought back her tears sad to feel that maybe this was the end of them, but she grew to be more blase, thinking that by sticking around him despite her being gone she had the better outcome, but she simply condoned him telling her virtually nothing about himself, and she's finding that the heart wants what it wants and evidently, it becomes obvious that Sean doesn't want her anymore and if Emma had stuck around the ugly truth was he'd pursue her, and she was merely a companion, distraction, roommate, confidant, and later a burden he'd take care of but feel no true romantic feelings of love or adoration for and she's cursed by that and a genetic predisposition to alcohol.

Ellie never thought her life would be like this when she was young. She was truly an excellent student while she attended Degrassi, had that co-op with Caitlin after graduating in 2006 and immediately became a full-time student at Toronto U. She genuinely loved learning. She and Sean were on a good run from high school, on through college, and when he was working at Tony's Garage with Jay they were close with Craig and Manny and would often hang out and visit them and they were like this huge family despite everything. Nothing happened though that caused them to be distant except Ellie wanted to hide the early drinking problem to avoid humiliation or whatever so she took herself out of the equation.

Which isolates her and that's how she'd been for a long, when she's hurting, feeling depressed and such she's not venting for a solution she's venting to vent to feel better, get shit off her chest and dust that dirt off her shoulders like her burdens and heal herself. She always needs time on her own, she takes breaks from social obligations when it comes to being too much. She'd been doing it and for a long time things become manageable in time, the hard becomes palatable and even though she's cutting off people, she still finds herself utterly alone or feeling completely invalidated when she seldomly opens up. She recently reconnected with her old pal Jesse from The Core. They once hooked up at the office Christmas party and he still is into her, and she entertains the notion but ultimately shuts him out, shuts him down, and leaves him out of her life ghosts if things get too real because of her guilt.

Even though Sean has checked out of the emotional and romantic aspect of the relationship, she's tried to reignite the broken down and fails to incinerate it and ends up destroying it as soon as the smoke flares. As he believes the fire is dead and isn't going to start. She keeps this pain to a dull roar and returns to old habits. She's been dodging her counselor's and therapists' calls, she's been blowing off group, and she's been flaking on commitments because she feels low. With the holidays approaching those things are so glaring. Her childhood had a different type of holiday season, mom's consumption wasn't as obvious and she was normal, or as normal as she could and her dad was around, happy, healthy and they were often as a family going on outings, joyful traditions their parents did and shared those things were her and she cherishes those memories because things are so different. Her dad and mom split up shortly after she moved out for good after high school with Sean and sold their house, and he got a new job as a veteran in another part of the country 3,000 miles away in Nova Scotia. She and him call and are in contact, as for her mom she hates the fact Ellie chooses to live in sin and is unaware of her daughter's descent into depression and resuming her cutting which she is sneaky about which is tricky when she doesn't live on her own but is often left alone to sit in the bathroom by the little window sparking up a joint and then masking it momentarily with cigarette smoke so Sean wouldn't get suspicious while drinking a pint of whatever she can find, cheap wine, tequila, vodka, cider in the fall, sweet bourbon in the winter. Sean barely buys anything in the liquor department because he knows no sooner he brings it home it's gone in a day.

While Angela and Kat were cleaning before the party, before Ang left, they got a knock at the door, "Is that them?" Kat asked Angela and when she opened the door she saw a middle-aged, slender, tall man. He was dressed in relaxed jeans, but a nice winter sweater. He had dimples on his cheeks, but he was pretty sober. He had his hands in his pockets. Angela opened the storm door and asked, "Hi, who are you?"

"I-I'm looking for Manuella." He confessed nervously.

"That doesn't answer my question." She insinuated she wanted to at least get my name."

"Oh Joseph, but c-call me, Joey." He says somewhat uneasily causing a bit of concern but he adds, "It's about Manuella though. Do you know where she is?"

Kat walked over seeing that Angela was having a tense and confusing moment from how it looked she walked over, "Are you a salesman? We're not interested."

"Kat I got this under control, she turned back to the guy, "I'm sorry about my niece, it's just we're kids and our parents want us to clean yada yada and -"

"Kat as in Katrina?" The man asked.

"How do you know my name?" Her eyes widened.

"I'm your uncle." He answered.

"What? I've never met you before." Katrina marveled realizing just how much resemblance she had to this man, and her mom simultaneously.

"I'm your mothers, brother. I was away at college when your mom was pregnant with you. I didn't know until I happened to visit back home that spring and my mom told me she was disowned.

"Why are you here then? If you disown someone, wouldn't this be frowned upon?"

"I mean Manny was a baby when I was around, but it would mean a lot if they saw her. We're now adults, and I think that was awful." He sighed, "I don't know, my dad had always butted heads with my sister it was only a matter of time before things got too unmanaged and they'd take it out on each other. I think he needed to realize she was a child, a young lady, and him provoking her like that, only was this perfect storm. Manny wasn't like our mom, she was more like our dad." He chuckled, "Hence why I go by Joey, he's Joseph and I'm Joey. It's a pleasure." He extended his hand out for first Kat and then Angela. They were overwhelmed by the new family.

"So if Manny's disowned wouldn't you be in trouble for visiting us or attempting to visit her with your mom and dad?" Angela asked skeptically. They all stepped outside on the little porch and sat at the wicker porch swing and a chair out front.

"Not exactly," Joey asked somberly. "My mom Julietta is sick. It's bad, terminal. She kind of hoped she'd see her you know, hospice." He could barely get the words out. "It's kind of her dying wish to see her daughter again. Even though things happened the way she did, she never stopped caring for her. She was raised differently from Manny, she stuck by our father out of marital duty, but more or less wasn't on board. If she could've she'd left because at the very least he couldn't control her anymore. It's a lot, long story but my dad's always been the boss."

Kat wasn't sure she should hear this. She softly asked, "I have a grandmother and she's sick? Poor mom."

"So if she comes by could you ask her to," He pulled out his business card out of his designer wallet in his pocket and then slipped his wallet back in, "give her this, tell her to give me a call."

He stood up and was kind to the girls, "I know Julietta would be proud of her but you, you seem like a very sweet young lady, please tell Manuella about my visit."

"Okay, bye." She answered unsure and uncomfortable about what to say.

She exchanged looks with Angela, "What the heck, I hadn't any clue my mom had relatives."

"No mention of her brother, mother, and father?"

She shook her head no, Angela guided her away from the door and to their shared bedroom, "What are we doing, where are we going?"

"I need to talk to you." She came to sit with her on their beds, she pat the side of her bed which looked immaculate compared to her side, with bright pink, flowers, about 10 decorative pillows, and Fluffy Fluff Collectables, but she kept that side pastel while Kat's side was black cats, dark, like Enid and Wednesday Adams on Wednesday vibes, they often joke about when they'd watch it together via social media and live tweeting.

"You mean to tell me your mom never told you about her family?" She whispered. "I assumed she was some orphan."

"Yeah, what's the big deal?"

"Shut the bedroom door and sit, Kitty."

When Angela calls her kitty it grates her as always, but it's a hard habit to break, and she didn't have time for the formalities. "It's a long story, but there's probably a good reason she didn't. I feel like, I have a responsibility to tell you. "

"So spit it out. Shoot. Why are you being all cryptic?"

"Listen, Kitty, I love your mom, you know that, she's my aunt, by law, nonetheless she's family, not really by blood but I love her all the same, I-I just can't believe this, and she didn't tell you this thing, and I saw it happen as a kid, and I eavesdropped a bunch back then when you were little, I and I doubt she wanted you to find out like this, the reason why she doesn't have a relationship with them is because of you."

"What do you mean? I guess my life is let's dump on Kat. I'm like a giant stain on my parent's perfect life."

"Your parents were like fourteen and fifteen when they were pregnant with you."

"I'm not adopted?"

"What? No." Angela exclaimed question, "Why would you think that? Your mom had you."

"I mean I'm not like them, they're so, so boring."

"Kitty, like it or not you were a virginity baby. Your mom like totes had sex with my brother, your dad at 14 years old with no protection, both of them, unheard of now, but like that was quite the scandal."

"No morning-after pill?"

Angela shrugged, "I don't even know if they knew what that was. Dr. Sally didn't come their year."

"Who is Dr. Sally?" She asked.

"A sex educator teaches you how to put on condoms for the boys, or period crap for girls and she lets you anonymously submit sexual questions or orientation or whatever she knows everything there is."

"Like Otis from Sex Education."

"Exactly, more his mom, like she went to college, got multiple degrees, she's a doctor, has a doctorate, but she's a real person, she recently passed this year, but Armstrong filled in."

"He still works at the school for math, and sometimes he's gotta fill in for health class but he's not the most engaging guy. He's the muscle, one guy calls him the bouncer because he ain't young, but he knows how to break up fights."

She laughed missing the entire point of the story, "Mr. Armstrong was their teacher too? Oh god, I can see him saying the lesson like the part on Mean Girls with the gym teacher, don't have sex guy, coach guy, he's all deadass now 'Everyone takes some rubbers'. He's not even old, he's cute for an old man."

"You're missing the point, I'm serious!"

"So what do I do? No wonder it's like hell with the teachers, as soon as I get in a class they ask me, "Oh you're Craig Manning's daughter, no wonder I get in trouble."

"Who are you talking about?"

"Like Hatzilacos works as the superintendent now, and like she's always making things hard for Simpson and shit because she works over him now, she has tenure and all that and she and him have a past. She took one look at me and she's a dragon lady I swear it." She sighed, "Mr. Perino doesn't like me."

"Perino didn't like nobody, I can't believe he's still teaching. He'd been around when your mom and Auntie Em were in school too. He worked as a mechanic though as a teenager I heard from your grandpa Joey. Remember when I called him grandpa and he got all bent out of shape."

"Your dad should teach music."

"Your dad teaches music, to be honest, I'd rather have Mr. Manning, with our luck the school choir would be singing, EVERYBODY WANTS SOMETHING."

They giggled and then got serious for a moment, "I have no idea what to tell my mom."

"For starters, what's been going on with you lately?" She moved her hair from her face catching her breath. "I'm concerned. We used to tell each other everything."

"When you were a senior, there was this guy you went to school with, I was still at the middle school I guess I was a grade 8 when he was a grade 9 or in grade 10."

"He was the only grade 9 on varsity, cute but not my type. All the girls had a crush on him, even the grade 12 senior girls, I have it on good authority that he got around, to sex with college girls, other schools, our school, underage girls, who knows. He reminds me of that dude that the senior dudes from Can't Hardly Wait admired and looked up to and he's this loser, like didn't do shit."

"I heard he got drafted by a football team out of college. He's doing fucking fabulous now, miles from here, but he took a liking to me at one time. We had a class together. We were partners in cooking last year when I was a niner." Kat sat up straight facing her cousin. She'd never really spoken up about him, only one of her friends knew, not even Paul, Not her parents or most of her friends, "I guess I'm not the only one with a secret life." She muttered flatly. "I guess mom was right when I told her like I did something stupid, that was the stupid thing, and she said I'm entitled to a secret or two, I left out about what happened though. What happened was, we were having a good time. It was a year-end kegger at one of their friend's houses, or maybe it was his house. We were flirting all night, drinking, drinking, after drinking, laughing, and getting along great. Everything was so fun, music, we danced together and I was a bit weird on my feet because I insisted on wearing these, these heels that Bethany and Ginger let me borrow because Ginger's parents are like Mormons she wasn't allowed to go but she let me bring the shoes, and then we're not friends because I had to throw out her damn shoes. After all, when I woke up they were kind of gone, covered in my puke, and her family thinks I'm scum and that wasn't the worst of it. I couldn't find," the momentum of her energy took a crushing blow as she talked about the imagery, the closeness, the romantic aspect, the community aspect, the girl she once was and who she is no longer, and how it crushes her every day, it hit her like a ton of bricks that she wasn't in any way shape or form okay and she suddenly burst out in tears, "I don't know." She sniffled, and she jilted her shoulder away to give way to an overflowing, overwhelming amount of tears. She was able to fill in the blanks, "I'm gonna just tell you, everyone thinks I'm this bad kid. Even Mom and Dad think they're failures and I feel so so bad." She hugged her trembling with her arms tightly clasped bawling. "You can't tell anybody." She whispered trying to get her words together.

"How am I gonna tell them then? They'll get mad."

"They won't I promise you, I think what Chandler did outweighs what happened with drinking. They can be surprisingly cool if you aren't so, temperamental these days. I can see why, it must've been hard to keep that from everybody, even Paul."

"Especially Paul, like I thought I was in love with Chandler until he had me like pinned and I couldn't move and he just, I wanted to go home. What's going to happen when Paul wants to, and I'm scared?"

"You and Paul never had sex?"

She shook her head, "I always," She laughed, "I always ruin the moment, because, because I'm scared about it. I don't think I'm ready, maybe I'll never be. Like in theory, I want to, because I love Paul, because I see myself with him someday but I don't want to disappoint him, and I know he'll probably dump me if I just never do, but I didn't get the choice with Chandler as I did with Paul, and he's nice and understanding like I thought Chandler would be or was before that night."

"Did he talk to you again?"

"I saw him at the mall a week or two later, and he kind of brushed me off. I wanted to give him hell, piece of my mind but instead he just said, We had fun, that was it. He thought I wanted him still, I fought him so hard that he still had the mark on his face from me scratching at him."

"Living up to your name, Kitty."

"I hope it's a scar that when he sees that minor imperfection on his face, he'll know that was me." She sighed, "That he'd think twice about doing that to another girl, he thought I was this child who he could make himself feel better, instead, he made me feel, worthless, like garbage and crap. If it scares so you know, So we'd be, you know even Steven, square because what he did was far from fair." She collected herself, wiping the tear from her eye. "After that I never thought I'd ever love again, it hurt worse than any way I thought a breakup could and we weren't even together. It wasn't like he stole a bike or something, or something inconsequential, he took something I can't get back, no matter what for better or worse, it's always going to be him in my history, peripheral forever and ever. Every night I have nightmares. Every day I fear running into him and his 'buddies'. I directed those feelings inward and became who I became. At one point I tried to see his side, put on a show for everyone, get super involved, be selfless even, and then I'd feel even more disgusted with myself for doing that to myself. I stopped caring about things. I was crushed when Ginger didn't want to be friends, she somehow convinced the only other person who knew my old best friend not to be friendly with me either, I lost everyone."

"You didn't lose me. I wish you told me."

"I didn't want to be a bother, a burden. You were starting school. I didn't want you not to go on a count of me."

"Well, we're going to have to talk to your mom either way, about her brother, about you, going forward everything that was going on. Your dad forcing you to work at Mcdonald's though because he didn't know how to help was shitty, but they love you, they sacrificed a lot for you and they'll love you no matter what but you should tell them."

"I know. I should, but I just don't want them to do anything stupid or something. Dad is a good guy, he just gets so busy with things that he forgets to mellow."

"Adult lives are complicated, period. I would know some of that, I dread graduating."

"Why?"

"Well, then I won't be a kid anymore."

"You're like 22."

"So?"

"Despite how I joke with you, you're still young. You can pass for a teen. You have hope, there's like a silver lining for you. You're not all damaged like me. I have no idea what I'm going to say. I know it could be worse, but it's scary." Kat replied somewhat sadly, "What if they blame me for it?"

"I don't think you have to worry about Mom and Dad, well maybe you shouldn't tell Dad about Chandler. He might react angrily, just tell Mom and she'll try her best to let your dad know about what safely happened to you just in case. I know how protective Craig could be, your father."

"What do you mean?"

"When your mom was like pregnant there were a lot of people against them, I guess he'd feel responsible, or feel guilty for not protecting you, which is more about him and mom, says more about them than it does about you. They dropped a lot of things you took for granted for you. I doubt they'd do something negative to you."

"Angie, you're like my guardian angel I swear. I'm so glad you're home this week. I know I've been saying otherwise in my grief and stuff, that's not much to do with you. I love you. Will you help me with what to say?"

"Of course, I guess I'd start by apologizing for your recent behaviors, start there and the words should flow." Angela softly replied she couldn't believe how long her younger close family member had been struggling and in pain.

"It'll be okay."

"What about Auntie Em?"

"Open up to her too, no rush but definitely before she leaves. I think if she saw your side of things, she'd be a great person in your corner. You never know. I would at least apologize to her, I'm sure she cares, and she has her shit too, who knows? You might realize you two ain't so different."

"Maybe, thank you, Ang."

-x-x-x-x-

After Manny sang an acoustic and cutesy rendition of Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You", Manny walked up to Emma by the makeshift bar in the den as they made themselves of random all sorts of alcoholic varieties. "C'mon, take the karaoke stage, I'm passing the baton, or the mic to you."

"Not to interrupt you," Craig tells Manny vibing off that and excitedly announcing, "You know, Emma you should, you know, before the old heads," as he gestured to them taking a shot, "Joey and Snake that is, take the stage and sing "EVERYBODY WANTS SOMETHING for the millionth time."

"Anything but that." Emma rolled her eyes shaking her head, "I will do that, I guess."

"Yeah, they got into the egg nog and looked all sloppy, it's the least you can do." Craig jokes but also isn't joking as they can see the guys fooling around as if they were teenagers, "It's only a matter of time and it happens almost every year. So will you?"

"I said I will and I will." Emma giggled simultaneously bashfully shaking her head no, initially kind of embarrassed of the idea of blowing her cover, but with the spirits bright, and with good intentions, leading with her heart, she wordlessly downed the shot in her hand, then walked up to the makeshift stage with the microphone and karaoke machine, and queued up the machine for her song of choice. She didn't need the lyrics, she knew them word for word.

No matter what, she attempted to go through without presenting her hometown friends with a little serenade, Craig and Manny wanted her to sing something at the party, out of respect, and now with liquid courage, she didn't say no, or act modest.

She decided to confidently take the stage, to keep things fun and interesting. She had a real gift, and they simply wanted to see her live singing something holiday. She decided to cover "My Only Wish (This year) by Britney Spears. As she started, Sean happened to walk in from outside. He'd stopped at home to at least shower and change from work to look halfway decent, a late arrival but just on time because he was finally here. She beamed excitedly announcing the partygoers, shyly but with feelings of excitement, "Hi there, I'm going to sing an old favorite."

Manny and Craig acting like total fangirls whistled, clapped, and cheered. "Go, Emma!" She loved how supportive they were, and was thankful for them for being so supportive. She smiled in their direction and the music started.

As she started to sing, she hardly noticed Sean walking in because she got so into the spirit of the song and holiday season, but he as always, still was on her mind, and she fully committed to the act and performance. She confidently sauntered about as she sang along, like she was on stage on the countless shows, knowing every word, as if she were a teenager in the mirror with a hairbrush, just in front of about twenty to thirty people. It was the smallest venue she'd ever performed and she'd be lying if she didn't find it fun.

As for Sean, he was watching only her when he scanned the room to see her dancing and singing, and nobody or anything else mattered. A smile played on his lips, mesmerized by her stage presence. He heard others realize just who they were in the midst of in his ear amongst themselves.

He stood wallflower as he simultaneously grabbed himself a beer from the cooler nearby in the living room stage, watching her with the same look he gave after she boldly and bravely defended herself as she declared she had gotten her period for the first time. It was the moment he fell in love with her, by the second chorus she finally looked across the way as he watched her motionless and still but emoting with his eyes and she even looked the part of a bonafide star. She was. She is.

Emma was a vision wearing a short, red, velvet dress not quite the knee, to match identical Manny's red and white dress, with a little white fur on the trim of the skirt, very tongue and cheek, with her long blonde hair down in curls, and wearing black boots, and a black pearl headband to complete the look. Craig and Manny took notice of Sean's gaze, it was obvious what was happening, and saw it, the exchange of looks from separate parts of the room. Sean's eyes met Emma's and a matching smile grew upon her face. Craig was holding his pocket with the ring inside nervously and anxiously awaiting his turn to do a grand gesture out of a Hallmark movie or holiday rom-com.

When the song ended everyone clapped and it was a loud applause. She did an innocent but funny and a little comical curtsey before running off the stage, awkwardly taking a clumsy little tumble in her high-heeled boots, a nosedive down the Rizor stage steps. People gasped and got nervous for her. Humiliated, face red and uncomfortable with the attention, Sean quickly sprang into action from his vantage point, as everyone else rushed to surround her, and she looked up to see that Sean put out his hand to hoist her back up.

Once up she let go, only to dust herself off. As She dusted herself off from the fallout, she was avoiding his eyes, if there was someone she didn't want to see her embarrass herself, least of all the entire party, it was him especially. She noticed in the long mirror across the way how red the skid was, and promptly she looked down at her right knee. Her knee was a bit scraped up, he quickly took her by the hand to the kitchen to find a first aid kit as the party went on she could recover and talk, kill two birds.

"Glad you can make it," Emma told him in the kitchen. "Thanks."

"Yeah, don't mention it." He answered dully, making some valiant effort to seem nondescript and downplaying whatever it was that was happening between them, throwing her off the scent, these past few days. Sean was at first, preoccupied in the freezer looking for an ice pack or setting up one for her with his back turned, "That was quite a tumble."

"Yeah, can't win them all. I'm fine." Emma answered flatly, trying to forget about that humiliation. Now Emma sat on the top of the counter as he legs were more visible in the light, she was uncomfortably wincing a little bit because of her scraped knee. There wasn't blood, but he wanted to still clean, and bandage and ice, the especially rug burnt parts. If anything it gave them some alone time since everyone was out in the foyer and living areas, the kitchen was private because all the food was out there. "Just a little embarrassed."

"It might bruise, but maybe if we just chill or after another drink, it won't hurt until morning." He joked softly smiling as he applied the ice on her now tender knee. She was surprised sudden cooling pressure on it, she winced inaudibly feeling frozen on her uncovered skin, seconds later, however, the pain seemed to subside just a tad, "It's probably going to bruise, not to spoil your evening. How much did you drink?"

She innocently shrugs, "Not sure, I guess I gave myself something heavy-handed pour, a swig, sipper, whatever, I swear full disclosure, I'm not normally this clumsy."

He was humored by her awkward nervous reminiscent of the times he fell for her. Maybe behind the hair makeup star's unattainable or indescribable force persona, she is every bit the girl he used to know. She was laughing off the whole thing to break the ice and keep things light.

She didn't mean to get this honest but somehow, out came the verbal diarrhea. Maybe it was the drinks talking but she was ready to have a real conversation, despite it being a fun party atmosphere or the spirit of the holidays. It couldn't wait, life is short, too short, and for her and Sean to been separated for what looked to be almost a quarter century, it was too short to hold a grudge of this much passion when they never really looked back as if to say, 'Well that was somewhat fucked.' Moreover, how could she do that to him, letting vulnerability lead the way, and throwing the logs on the fire, the ball being in her court as she was the only one with a disadvantage?

She missed so much, but she also leads a life in the present that would rival even the most popular kids in town such as Jimmy Brooks and Paige Michalchuk in her brief stint in high school and her middle school years of adolescence in the past. She has no idea who they are now, and what they're like but she assumed the best for them regardless. She realized just how melancholy she'd been in the past, how she essentially with the best of intentions by avoiding messed up relationships on her own. She didn't go to prom, but she played a prom date on a daytime soap as a tie-in promotion as a vehicle, but it was better than nothing, a fake prom was better than a real prom, there was always a but, a caveat. Expect nothing, she figured she wouldn't be disappointed. The budget was more than the student council and Paige and company's popularity and Hazel as her minion could ever scrap together, so she took it as a win.

Now, she knows better, she's grown wiser, and being home accelerated the process, as the winter blues are real. She had to approach this with what she did do, not what she didn't. She desperately didn't wish something like this on her precious niece, or her friends. It's part of the reason she avoided speaking of anything to anyone on her laundry list of regrets. She fears judgment when she eventually does open up about some things, her life was categorized as 'first world problems' and left at that. Even successful people still struggle, and the person totally slammed it down as not worthy, so she directed it all inside. She sees Kat following like a trainwreck hot mess going nowhere fast, and someone needs to get through to her. She knows Manny and Craig, Joey, and even Angela have tried to instill some wisdom in her times of trouble, she pushes them away because like Emma, she feared judgment when in all seriousness, there's so much to be done to care for her and Emma feels compelled to her call when it comes to her grief. It comes in all shapes and sizes, and no one is exempt.

Still in the kitchen she ran into Kat who was helping herself to some food, she kind of motioned her over to talk, and she asked her point blank, "Why did you leave?"

"It's a long story." Emma softly answered, perplexed by the question, "Why is it you want to know? Record deal, for the record."

"Off the record, you're with me, you're like it or not family." Kat sighed a bit impatiently.

Scattered thoughts, she thought as she tried to explain, but when she put it into words or tried to she fell short, or it sounded so petty that it was chalked up to immaturity of adolescent dreams and wants. "I'll admit it, you were right about Sean Cameron."

"I was?"

"Don't let it get to your head." She managed a soft smile as she repositioned herself to get more comfortable and Kat moved aside to let her in more. She sighed before answering, "Okay, this doesn't leave the room. Pinkie promise?"

"What are we eight?" Kat replied skeptically but eventually put out her pinkie.

"In my day a pinkie swear, they were ironclad, or as good as ironclad."

"Okay, I swore, now get to the story."

"Yes ma'am." Emma joked. "So, when I was thirteen I fell in love with Sean. I thought he was who I was destined for. We did alot of this middle school back and forth, pining from afar, but also close by. I'd see him in my peripherals sneaking glances, and at any opportunity he wasn't looking at me, I was watching him."

"When did you fall for him?"

"It's complicated. So, on the very first day in homeroom, Mr. Simpson brought him in. He wanted us to get to know him, but when he kind of segued into he wanted Sean to tell us in the class about himself he simply said no, and that's honestly when I knew I liked him because he was a little defiant and also had this ability to keep this low profile he's so well known for even in adulthood."

Kat was mildly amused, "Was he cute? So what happened?"

"Yeah, I couldn't help but watch him silently and study him like he was some book report or lab experiment. I overheard he had to repeat the seventh grade, so he was a year older than me and my friends. He didn't fall in with the popular crowd, he wasn't this party guy, he was just a simple guy with simple likes. He was a bit of a loner. He liked doing things though, he wasn't boring. He took his studies seriously, maybe he'd get a little too stressed or something if it carried a high mark or something. When he gets stressed I think he kind of directs himself with insecurities and fears, and it all hinders him, at least back then. Being apart made me realize that he was doing his best, and somehow he needed a helping hand. I wanted to be that for him, and I fell in love somehow, and even when I denied it, it only made the truth more evident. I never let those words out in his presence. I loved him then, and I know it's real because I still to this day love him now."

"Like love at first sight?"

"Nah, you watch too much Westdrive. I mean I was instantly attracted, definitely for sure."

"Well, fast forward, that night was a dance by the name of the Starlight, Starbright dance, it was the school's first nighttime dance, hence all the stars. I mean the decor was straight out of Carrie and looked to be older than my friggin' mom, with Raditch as principal I am inclined to believe they dug around for decor because of budgets and stuff. Back then we had Mr. Raditch as our principal, my mom said he was a teacher of hers, and it was organized by the student council popular kids in the upper classes, like Jimmy, and Ashley. If there was to be a fight, slip up anything the rumor was we'd go back to daylight dancing which blows.

"Ew can you imagine?" Kat remarked, "I know Principal Simpson put everyone in uniforms a few years ago, around the time Angela was like a sophomore."

"I desperately didn't want that, so I saw there was a struggle between Jimmy and Sean, and finally I had to take some action because Sean had got this kid pinned against the wall and it looked like they were about to start going off on each other, and I learned later there was a whole thing with them. See, Sean had to repeat the seventh grade because he lost his year getting expelled after an incident at his old school. He had this older brother named Tracker, and he took him in to finish out his school years at Degrassi Community School, but I don't even know if they talk anymore. So I asked Sean to dance, and thought well, maybe if I got to know him you know, he'd like me too. If anything perhaps I'd make a good friend, a handsome boy as a friend, but maybe, it was a hope. I was right about that because he instantly dropped Jimmy and walked me to the dance floor, he held my hand as he guided me there. My mom didn't want me walking home from school alone, so he walked me and met my mom briefly before walking home to his house."

"So that's how you guys met?"

She nodded, "After the dance and our walking, we'd see each other every day in the halls, in class, but it wasn't until mid-year that we started talking more, I mean Sean had a lot of worries he was clearly in his head a lot, and we, my friends and I tried to include him because he was like an outsider. He was different from most of the kids we went to school with, that was another thing. With his brother as his guardian, he didn't get out much or wasn't very social, because he was worried about a lot of things, I found out more as I got to know him. I guess because he took care of the house while his brother worked, and he had a record for a fight, which is why he was sent up there, he was independent a lot because Tracker worked a lot, so I guess he could be described at that time as a loner type. Sean does a similar career in the auto shops stuff, I guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree."

"I know he's a mechanic, but did he study Autoshop in school too?"

"So you know your stuff," Emma nodded in confirmation. "I thought he didn't like me initially and just figured I was friendly, or even annoying to put it in terms, but I didn't know all the facts and honestly since coming here, I'm finding out more of the blanks I didn't know."

"So when you said, you fell in love, when did that happen?"

"I'm getting to it," Emma responded and then added more tidbits. "After that, I guess he asked me out, but before that, he started noticing me the way that I noticed him. I guess you'd have to ask him for his side of the story, but I'm sure he remembers things differently or has a different perspective. One day he went to my locker and started to talk about this math or quiz in English, I used to tutor him because he was falling behind. Sean was not someone who came from money and didn't have much technology at his house, until he was older so I'd stay after and assist him, just to have time alone with him, get to know him better, and I did care, I still harbored a crush on him, from the dance, but I played it cool, whether he noticed or not, but he was like no one I ever met and it's what the draw was."

Kat softly beamed big, "Aw, that's so beautiful like you guys were meant to be, Aunt Em, that's cute."

"I guess," Emma bashfully beamed, "Now they'd make a whole show on it."

"Yeah like Westdrive kind of drama and romance that my friends write fanfiction for."

"Westdrive, still on?"

"Oh yeah, they're the longest-running teen drama in Canada."

"I used to marathon that stuff with Manny. She wanted to BE on that show as a younger teen. It was a lot different in the first few seasons, but I guarantee Beverly the one who got pregnant in season 3, plays a mother to a teenager nowadays, right?"

"How did you know about Beverly being Mackenzie's mother?"

"Because I used to watch it, it was your mom's favorite. Before Mackenzie, she was a mega-popular girl on the show, but her character got pregnant and became a teen mom trope and poster child for abstinence. It was controversial as far as plots because when pregnant Beverly looked at all her options."

"How old was my mom with me? She never talks about how old she was or the circumstances when she got pregnant."

"She got pregnant at or around the time I left town, she's a few months younger so maybe almost fifteen but fourteen. We had a stupid fallout and were just getting things patched back together when the reps found my dinky little bargain basement demo with really low-tech. I think I used a tape recorder from Chris' basement. We had a karaoke machine and they were surprised how I could carry a tune so we recorded about three funny tapes of songs. I think there was a Britney song or two such as Born to Make You Happy and from the bottom of my broken heart. Even though I moved on with this guy Chris, it wasn't nearly as serious as my feelings for Sean."

"So you dated this guy and still hung up on Uncle Sean? This guy was your ticket to fame, and you're still not in love with him? Is he gay?"

Emma laughed shaking her head, "Chris? Nah he's married with a daughter, a whole setup. He's fine. We're still friends." Emma had her crossbody on in the bedroom and pulled out her wallet which had a tiny album with clear covers inside and about the third picture in after Sean and her in the past, which caught Kat's eye as she pointed, "Here's Chris at Snake's birthday party."

"Oh nice, okay go back to the other picture, the one after your ID?"

She opened to the second picture after one with a family portrait of Spike, Snake, and then baby Jack, and herself was a picture of Sean and Emma on her first date. "Oh, this?"

"Look how cute you guys were." Kat softly smiled holding the picture, she looked at the inscription of the date, and their names were handwritten, "You guys were babies."

"Speak for yourself, we were younger than you, that's fine, but we were kids, kids in more than over our heads in puppy love. I don't think he was this dancing guy like I think he went to maybe two other Degrassi dances and those were the ones we were romantically involved with that he even bothered to show up except for Starlight Starbright."

"Okay, so you guys went on a date. My mommy has one of dad on their first date."

"The rave?" Emma questioned with her eyebrows raised.

Kat laughed, "I want to see a picture of that, was her underwear dental floss?"

"It was a whale of a tale for another day." Emma laughed, "I should go talk to Sean and catch up with him. We'll talk more, I'm still here for another couple of weeks, and you can talk to me anytime you hear me?"

"Yeah, you're excused. Aunt Em before you go." She got up off of her bed and gave Emma the biggest hug she'd ever received from Kat. "I'm so sorry I was a bitch, it's kind of my thing though. I bitch therefore I am. You didn't deserve it, I just missed you."

She pulled away from the hug, "No, you were not a bitch. I missed you too, girlie." Kat sternly looked to Emma and she was inclined to forget the formalities. "Okay, fine you were but I'd been distant and you called me out on it. I love you. You're like a daughter to me because my bestie is your momma, but you remind me of who I was before before everything changed." She beamed softly and kissed her cheek, "You okay now? Are we okay now?"

Kat nodded still not completely put back together, but with good vibes and forgiveness at the very least, she felt secure in her relationship with Emma where she felt seen and heard like years ago while sitting like a pretzel on her bed, "You go find your man."

She checked her phone and noticed that tonight was Friday, the night of the big annual holiday tree lighting at the park with hot cocoa with her secret admirer awaiting her in just mere seconds, she had lost track of time. She figured, that she would make her way this time she came armed with mace just in case, fully put on her oversized peacoat in a mint green color with her emerald fingerless mittens and cute hat to match with pearl detailing which was fun and fashionable not to mention warm.

She found the gazebo described in the letter and noticed it was lit up and adorned with flowers and roses of all her favorite varieties, she was a few minutes late, but the figure in the shadow of the shelter was still there. She had a strong tinge of apprehension as she made her way there.

Sean was waiting inside the gazebo, he was nervous so he popped a Tic Tac to swish as he decided to carefully confess to the roses and being her secret admirer.

She could see in the shadows of the Christmas lights on there and inside was a bunch of candles, followed by dozens of roses in Emma's shade, and it was all for her, all by him, he paid the mayor off to let them in the park, have the park rangers leave them be and let them bask in the moment, however, it goes.

"Hey," Emma softly smiled, she was still recovering just why she hadn't seen it before and felt guilty drunk texting with Dice earlier, when it was evident what she had with Sean pales in comparison, and drinks and general weaknesses, disbelief had her thinking otherwise. She didn't think she was good enough for Sean's affection, in her moment of weak insecurity she managed to open up the floodgates to even more drama. "Sometimes I thought my life was a tragic episode of The Hills."

"What is The Hills?"

"Not important, it's how I'm starting the conversation for now. You'll see why soon. I love you, Sean, I've tried fighting and denying but I couldn't stop thinking about you, and I have loved you for so long, I think about the way we used to be before you became somebody else, and you blossomed in your mechanic's stuff, I just never thought we'd be face to face after all of this time passed by. I don't want to spend another moment where I pined for you until I lost myself wanting to outdo myself time and again, setting myself up for more bullshit. Am I talking too much?"

"Eh," Sean responded, "Ya, yeah you are. I have a lot to say too though, and I know exactly, maybe not the obscure pop culture references aside, I think it's pretty mutual."

"Hey, listen, Sean, I guess in my long-winded way I just want you in my life, you were an integral part of my past, the biggest thing to happen to me, and then it all disappeared and I ran off rather than try harder to win you, to be worthy of you to notice me."

"I noticed you on, the first day. You remember your version of events, sit down."

Emma sat and he put his arm around her which she leaned into, her head managed to hit his very jacked bicep and he looked down at her, every fiber of his being, the love he wanted to share with her, a confession of epic proportions and he wanted to hear her out, a taste of real honesty combined with a longwinded response some almost 20 years of built up emotions with tempers flaring and everything on the line.

Emma was so down for Sean, not for his kind gestures and sincere apologies. "I just thought if I worked hard someday you'd come around me again. Someday you'd be in town and we'd talk just like this, only it's the first meeting instead we unloaded our grievances and I got mad, you got mad, and it was bad, pretty shitty."

"Nuclear."

"Catastrophic."

"Yeah, pretty much for me too. I guess I thought it was what you wanted me to go away. I couldn't take your glare as we'd passed in the hall after we broke up. I couldn't take you flaunting Amy and Ellie. I wasn't stupid, I knew why you were doing it, I wasn't that naive or stupid. I just missed you so much and I felt like you didn't care about me, I used to silently hope we'd have this conversation so much earlier to clear the air as if we're at a major crossroads of who we are, and what we could or couldn't be. I think we're in the could-be now."

"Perhaps, as long as you answer me this."

"This is all you?" Emma asked changing the subject and segueing into some more questions, "I'm amazed. You outdone yourself, look like you don't the most to impress me."

"You're important to me, the world too. Your efforts in the rainforests and anything you do whatever passion I follow you, I see you. I know you didn't want to pursue music, do you regret that part?"

"If I had to do it again I would've never touched the heights had I just not agreed the send the demo. I used to often dream though about if we'd ever see each other again, I used to have these"

"Shower conversations," Sean interrupted and Emma echoed in unison, "How did you just generally put what I'm trying to say in words? You feel it too. I'm not dreaming?"

"No, no you're not. You're right, it was always like us, being some time apart I think only made us wiser or made me realize the truth. I never got over what happened back then. I never fell in such deep love as that and it left such a wound whenever I'd get alone long enough to breathe and exhale to meditate I just wanted you to come after me, rescue me not that I'm some damsel. I just wanted to be with you, and you didn't feel the same and I wanted to respect your boundary and step aside so you can do what the fuck all." She shrugged, "I'm so regretful. I made some shitty choices like the haircut of 2007 like Rihanna."

"Eh, not the best on you."

"I looked like a middle-aged woman and I insisted that chopping off almost 10 inches for that asymmetrical bob, it was a pain in the ass to grow out because I had to wait until it grew out more to do anything more. I used human extensions to fill in but it didn't look too bad going forward and then I'd been experimenting from there. It was like the 90s Rachel like Aniston on Friends."

"I do not know who she is."

"Rihanna or Aniston?"

"Aniston."

"I suppose, you didn't watch that, you should. I used to eat that show-up when we were little, Manny and I."

"Anyway, I didn't watch much TV, not like I had cable. I still didn't until well into adulthood, it's not important, and we do have our differences, but there's no love lost, I cared even when you were radio silent with your friends, and I didn't understand then how you just walked away from everyone."

"That being said about shows and such, I used to see people in love. I used to want it for myself." Emma confessed and continued to open up, "Then I met you and nothing had ever been the same, it felt almost better because we were the same age, we had different experiences right, and it's part of the reason I was so drawn to you back then. I wanted to be around you, from the moment you said no in homeroom when you first started going to Degrassi. I'm not naive anymore, but for a long time, I hid away, after I ran away all those years ago. I just know I left my heart with you, and now you're here, and I'm here, and it's Christmas, and it seems like every negative thing about us, has fallen away and it's just us at its core. It's beautiful, a miracle, and that's what I'm feeling, this inevitable connection I'm feeling inside, regardless of the first time we met after years of pining from afar. I know you have a life out here, that you have it complicated with Ellie, and if -" Sean cut her off from saying any more. She heard his interject and silently stopped talking.

"It's not about Ellie, I hate being a bad guy, the same guy who broke your heart. I'm going to stop your long-winded for something short. I want to be with you, I always wished you'd come back around."

"You sure it's not the spirits you're drinking?"

"No, never not the alcohol, you and I are on the same frequency for sure." He smiled and happened to look up and then he pointed upward, she followed his gaze and realized they were both standing under the mistletoe. A coy smile played on his lips and hers mirrored his with wonder and hope, it'd be their first kiss since their last kiss over a decade ago, but with all the things in a row, surrounded by others like that New Year lip lock under the confetti between Ryan and Marissa on The OC or something, very romantic, very significant. "I guess it's bad luck if we don't." By then they were back at Manny's, but they had talked from the moment they left the park and it looked as if Craig was about to muster up the confidence to woo Manny, through the power of song but they weren't privy just yet. Maybe Sean could see Craig preparing, but not Emma.

"Don't what?" She flirted softly as he inched closer toward her. She had his undivided, as usual.

As he inched closer her forehead softly graced his, his nose touched hers as they hesitated and took a breath for luck before allowing their lips to find one another as their eyes closed leaning into that kiss. Her arms found his shoulders as he pulled her into a longing embrace. They may as well have been alone because it was just them in that room as the music swelled in just the way that made the moment all the more special and significant. He breathlessly pulled away when the moment ended, it was a long one, or it simply felt that way in the best kind of way. She didn't want it to stop or the moment to end, but what he said next solidified it to be the icing and cherry upon this sundae of sight for both of them. A Christmas miracle, Sean had just kissed her and she felt the fireworks all over again. He whispered, "I love you."

She had this million-watt smile that instantly appeared upon her, even after the initial kiss in that moment they were still feeling those effects, a glow, a dream come true, a starlight Starbright moment that they could only dream in a crowded room during the holidays that sadly ended much too soon before she could echo his sentiment Craig was testing out the microphone.

"Test test, mic check." Manny was sitting on the couch watching Craig with a perplexed expression on her face, she was mildly intrigued but she was watching him looking on. Craig and Manny had no idea about the exchange, and he said, "I wanted to thank our friends, family, extended family, and work colleagues to the annual Jeremiah Tree Trim." People clapped and cheered, "I'm going to make a very special announcement. Something I've decided it's been a long time coming, but first a song."

He put the microphone on the stand and put on his guitar that Manny had purchased him after he had sold his initial guitar years ago. "So a very special someone I dedicate this, as well as the rest of my life to. I don't normally do speeches, maybe in the classroom. Maybe in the shower, but never at one of these functions. Anyway, I got this guitar right here from a very special woman in my life, whom I'd be celebrating another great Christmas season, my partner in crime my beautiful girlfriend, and my muse Miss. Manny Santos. Come on up on the stage." Everyone Sean and Emma included clapped their hands and looked on.

"Can I sit right here?" Manny quietly and confusedly asked Craig on the stool beside his performance stage. He nodded and proceeded to serenade her as they sat down. "Okay, so when Manny and I first got together, we were in over our heads. To comfort her, I sang this song to her and now, I'm going to sing it for her. So without any further delay here goes." He proceeded to play an acoustic version of Sonny and Cher's famous hit, in his way, I Got You, Babe.

Manny was pleasantly surprised, almost won over completely. For months as the song played on by Craig's strumming acoustic guitar, she had no clue what his plans were but she reveled in the simplicity. She loved his speech, even if she hated being the center of attention, she felt all sorts of insecure about herself nowadays. Kat sat down at one of the empty tables and watched her parents on stage eating junk food such as cookies and cakes with Paul at her side.

She even sang along to some parts, she had never seen their parents in their element, not since she was a little girl so it was a sight to see. Craig then pulled the box from his pocket got down on one knee and asked, "Manny, I love you. I know things haven't always been easy, but will you marry me?"

"Craig," She wasn't smiling, instead coming off somewhat awkward and uncomfortable with everyone's eyes on her. Her eyes were wide from the size of the diamond rock on the beautiful setting, she was on the spot. She couldn't believe it, she couldn't believe he was proposing. She also felt selfish knowing how bad of shape she was, self-conscious, and she questioned everything that had been said and done in bringing up Kat, to become what she is at this time. "Shit, Craig, our-" She moved herself away from the mic, "I can't."

"Wh-what? Why not?" Craig stammered with a furrowed brow.

"Our daughter." She whispered, "She's like in crisis and you think getting married would be the answer to our troubles?"

"I just thought,"

"I guess you weren't thinking. I'm thinking for once about Kat and I don't know."

"What she wouldn't want her mother and father together, married, officially?" Craig questioned her, "I thought you wanted to be married to me because we've been together for a long time."

"And why rock the boat? I dreamed of being married to you, I just assumed you didn't feel that way. Now I see you do, but you're not thinking of Kat, which if I'm being honest and not sugarcoating, is the only reason you completely settled for me. I am not as naive as you think I am. I cook, clean, work, and you just sleep. I don't know if you can be a unit with me, you got Kat a frickin' job at McDonald's after I make you dinner and you sneak trips to the fuckin' Golden Arches, and not to like I don't know, grounding and raising your daughter you wanted so bad, and helped create and you have been so hands-off approach off in her parenting. Now I feel like a failure as I see everything pass us by, years have made you more careless and blase about serious things. Don't you see it? Am I an idiot, do you think I'm dumb? Do you even know who you just proposed to? I'm not the same, but you haven't changed a bit. I need to get some air. Okay, I'm walking away right now, do what you want, end the party, I don't want to talk or see you right now."

"Manny wait."

The crickets of the following minutes felt like awkward agony, like when Craig realized Ashley realized she been had, and she slapped him in the face in front of everyone, a sobering reminder and consequence of him being unfaithful to her. He felt like that same fifteen-year-old boy, unknowing of what the future would hope. Manny told him to cut him, but he maintained his composure. "Parties over." He managed to speak into the microphone. Voices clattered and Joey excused him and the other adults to the back patio for nighttime drinks and to give Craig space to deal with the aftermath and take the spotlight off him for a time. Craig just knew what the topic of conversation would be, which gave him more ammunition. Emma was stunned about that but knew that Manny couldn't be far from the house. She'd been drinking throughout the night, so it's doubtful she got into the car. All Craig did was sulk, he put the ring back in, "I wonder if they do returns."

"Oh, Craig, what are you going to do?" Emma softly tried to comfort them, "You should talk to her, after about twenty minutes to give her time to process, I mean I'm a woman I know the last thing she wants is to argue some more."

He was crestfallen and without a clue, "I thought I, I thought she wanted this. It was just never the right timing. I should've done it early, and now I'm too little too late."

"I doubt she doesn't want to marry you at all, I don't know what she said, I couldn't make it out as too many people were talking about how tense it was and, maybe Emma is right."

"I guess, but I think we should do a sweep to make sure she's not driving."

Manny instead was in her bedroom, she had tried and failed to start their car, but realized two or three cars had her blocked in and she desperately didn't want to do any more damage, so she drowned out her sorrows with an entire bottle of red wine, and hid out in the most comforting place, her bedroom. Still in her Christmas party duds, she sipped right from the bottle sobbing, she knew it was all about to break loose, the only home she'd known in her young adulthood, from her teenage years, her first love, all about to be over, it's doubtful he'd want to stay with her, but she still wept because she felt this hopelessness and despair that she feels as if she had always been playing second fiddle to an imaginary standard of the kind of girl Craig loved, and she fell in neither of these categories. He's rock and roll and she's strictly pop, tomato, tomato, very different tastes in almost everything, but the only thing keeping them together was prayer, patience, and obligation, yet these unwavering moments intertwined with love and care, admiration even for one another that made it for a long time, worthwhile to stick by each other. Before vows could ever be put into the equation and the universe, they were displaying the makings of what a good marriage could be and should be. Craig had never laid a hand on her, he wanted to be a family, and it does count for something to Manny, but it's just she needs more proof of his devotion to her than that. She knows the way they got together initially was immorally wrong, but what lemonade their affair resulted in, doesn't compare to the years that follow, sometimes she just feels unappreciated and taken for granted and that had Katrina had never been born, how very different their lives could've been, would they even be still together all of this time, after all these years had they not gotten pregnant with their daughter? Was she truly the only reason? The answer is obvious, but not to Manny, she instead swallowed up her insecurities before they engulfed her and made her question her worth in the relationship.

Craig loves Manny, he hasn't much life experience or even dating experience but if he knew then what he knows now, he'd never been with Ashley, because of how her true colors came out, her vindictive nature, dark eyes and horrible words spewed toward he and Manny, he wanted to protect from her dagger-like pointed, fighting words. She wanted to see them fail because he had wronged her, but he never wanted her to take it out solely on Manny, she truthfully bore the brunt.

After most of their guests left and shuffled out of the house and on their way, Craig and Sean piled themselves in the car and drove around the lit houses on their street slowly, going almost less than 25 mph, and just slowly shifting through to see if she was on her feet.

"What exactly are you planning on telling her?" Sean softly questioned Craig who had been largely silent since pulling out of the driveway, the radio silently played a song he couldn't quite hear or make out over the heater running, it was a tense car ride because of Craig's body language and general vibe. He was clueless.

"I guess tonight wasn't a total wash, at least I could get you and Emma under the mistletoe."

Sean felt a little bad because deep down he was still riding the high of the intoxicating overwhelming abyss that is the kiss, he basked in the silence of joy, knowing he still had some ticks under his sleeve to win her over completely, as if the kiss under the mistletoe was only the beginning. "You didn't answer my question."

"Look at you, I told you, I hate to say I told you so." Craig changed the subject to take some of the heat off himself. "I'm such a jerk."

"You're not."

"I guess I have been slacking in the love department these past couple of years. I just assumed she never mentioned anything, stopped harping about certain things, oh god I hope she's not into someone else."

"Craig, get serious. Manny has proven herself to you, and maybe you have to prove yourself to her. I mean I know your relationship is vastly different, unconventional at the start but pretty solid as far as romances go. What is it she said to you?"

"Exactly?"

"Yeah."

"She doesn't want to be selfish, apparently because of our daughter's crisis, or whatever. I gave up kind of, and then I did something about it, which being far, she knows I'm too lenient on her, and sometimes she'll ground her for talking back, or whatever for example. In turn, she'd criticize me for not doing enough, when she sees her more because she's home more hours in the afternoon, and deals with her more. She used to say I need to be more hands-on, or she feels like a single mom sometimes. I mean she does pretty much everything. I sit down, we watch something stupid on Netflix I fall asleep twenty minutes into it after working all day, on a regular Tuesday night. She cleans up and we go to bed, I can't remember the last time we were like, "

"Like what?"

"Don't even, this isn't a cheesy girl talk thing, we just don't prioritize sex like when we were younger, because we fear Kat walking in or something awkward like that."

X-x-x-x-

As Craig and Sean sadly called off the rest of the evening party events, and were frantically driving around in Craig's vintage Thunderbird from the carport, and were looking for her around town assuming when she stormed off, that she drove away from the party drunk in their SUV.

Jay tapped on the door pane of Manny' and Craig's bedroom with a glass of water.
I come in peace."

"What do you want?" Manny vindictively lamented slipping her alcohol and glaring at him from the side of her downcast peripheral eyes, she had been crying, her eyes were red and her face tearstained.

"I was told to get you some water, so I come bearing some water gifts." He innocently held up a large cup of water with ice and a straw. He saw her icy and cold demeanor and added to sweeten the deal, "No funny business."

She turned to face him calmly, even if it was obvious she'd been crying. "Where's Craig?"

"Looking for you." He softly answered bringing her the water, she reluctantly accepted his kind attempt at cheering her up, she silently took it off his hands and he politely asked her, "May I sit?"

"Be my guest, not that you were invited anyway." Manny sternly remarked. Jay took a seat on the edge of the bed beside her. She didn't initially believe he could tell her anything she didn't know already.

"You know, you're really pretty."

"Must you? I'm not in the mood for games. Not to mention the fact that you're a bad liar. Who are you trying to kid?"

"It isn't about me, and what about a smile? You do know you were voted best smile in the yearbook."

"What a pity." She bitterly, let out an angry scoff of a chuckle, "High school superlatives are just a joke anyway and for the record, do not matter, and neither does your unsolicited topic trying to get in my good graces aka my pants. It's not gonna work. Flattery is just that. I don't believe you.."

"Yikes, should you just listen to me, I mean it, you are beautiful, and it's just funny to consider me. You deserve better."

"I don't know, maybe I do deserve better, but it's funny but how is it funny?"

" Well, I didn't get voted best anything, if they had class jackass, maybe, but the votes don't lie, but I'll leave that alone. Do you want to talk about it?"

She knew if she started talking, there'd be a lot to say and he wasn't the person she felt she could trust because when she thinks back she just wants to cry or fall in a ditch. She just wanted to cry, an ugly cry but, she didn't want to do it so she held back, or got vulnerable, but not in front of Jay when all he was doing was trying to get her mind off of it not in a sinister way, it was a first for him.

He just didn't know why she was so sad, Craig had just proposed and he thought knowing who she was and how long they'd been together it was a long time coming and she would typically be ecstatic but she's none of that right now. She shook her head and he just continued trying to cheer her up. He'd let her say whatever he wanted to say.

"With you?"

"No with a wall, of course with me, Manny."

"You know, I used to think you were a total jackass." She sniffled with a laugh thrown in shaking her head trying to stop crying, "You've been more comforting sometimes than Craig had been."

"I'm sure he cares."

"I know, but, I don't think I want to talk about him, at least not right now. I don't want to say anything I'd come to regret. I've loved him since I was fourteen, I don't think he loves me the same as before over the years, it's changed and I don't even think he pays attention to how much I changed, or he's changed, and the old way isn't working. Something is seriously messed up with our daughter and his idea is to get her a job without talking to me and a surprise proposal, I'd be on board if he only just talked to me about this thing, the proposal feels less romantic and more of like an obligation or a don't be mad, honey. We are supposed to do that, Isn't it in a parental manual that doesn't exist unspoken though? Ugh, I'm so angry and truly frustrated."

"I understand, Manny. Adults don't need kids to prove life is difficult and there are so many sacrifices to be made. I burned so many bridges and some I couldn't afford to lose but I was with my blinders on then and now I can't turn back."

"I mean we're so different. I was so different before everything." Manny confessed, "I do believe it when you say you understand. Maybe we aren't so different and I feel mild comfort knowing at the very least that I'm not alone."

"Well, it seems like you and Craig could understand each other too, that goes without saying. Not to say my own opinion from what I know, he seems to have quite a lot of feelings for you. He's a lucky guy. I mean he gets to have you for all these years, and might I say Ms. Santos you are aging like a fine wine."

She shot him a look and she managed a laugh. "So which is it, you want me

"Dream on." Jay sighed, "It's gonna work out. I mean he wants to be with you, who am I to stand in the way of true love? I mean he wants to walk you down the aisle and proclaim in a church or whatever that he intends to love you forever in sickness and health for the rest of your lives and, what is it that you want exactly?"

"As for the proposal, I'm so humiliated." Manny sighed, "Just so you know, that I do want to marry him."

"Oh, I don't doubt it, you two are what I call meant to be, but romantically challenged."

"Speak for yourself. Have you ever been in a relationship after sex?" Jay almost replied yes but stopped himself before she could even utter out loud, "Don't answer that."

Jay brought the subject back being about Craig, "What do you mean you're humiliated? He loves you. I'd give anything," She made a face as if to say don't humor me, and make it about yourself but she wasn't necessarily wrong to think suspect. "To have what the two of you have. I could've had that, I mean I just had this stupid I date someone for two weeks and then I ghost 'em, dump 'em. I don't even think I liked those girls, the only one who held a candle to that was Alex. You know, Alex from high school."

"Girl with the hoops?"

Back some years ago, there was a flirty student he was warned by Manny about, and she openly flirted with Craig while he subbed, she was the assistant, a college junior who wanted to start teaching in the next few years. She was pretty and worked and still does work closely with the faculty over at Degrassi. She has no proof but she always thought the worst, but that's just the thing it'd be the pot calling the kettle black, considering Katrina was conceived from an affair of the ages for the then-teens in terms of scandal at their high school.

She feels like it's almost karmic, he cheated on Ashley with her, but with this teacher's assistant, she has no proof, nor would she truly entertain. Since then he vowed to stay away from her when Manny did hear about it second hand she was persistent and seemed to jive with Craig, but she is a student aide so he sees her daily, without a choice.

Now ironically Craig teaches the music class at Degrassi and she feels angry she won't or doesn't leave him alone and he's only human, or is it karmic or just intuition?

She seems so phony, naive, yet fraudulent, she knows she was able to charm Craig for a time, but she hoped and prayed he was and remained faithful like he always proclaimed and promised through the years.

The only thing missing is a ring and band, a bonafide proof he is thinking of her beyond a live-in girlfriend at 35 years old. She used to joke but with mild stern serious acknowledgment, and point out the jewelry she likes and her dreams for the two of them in the future when things are 'just right', the right moment, what is he waiting for? They're not getting much younger, if at all, and Kat is a nightmare, they need to show they mean it but know the teasing fantasy is only so farfetched and unrealistic she doesn't even bother anymore dropping hints and fishing for that sort of thing. She assumed it'd happen already, but it's been a long time. She isn't one for ultimatums, she rarely would stick to something like that. She would never force him into any decision., she knows her worth, and sees things with an open heart and an open mind, she's not that girl. They are in the rut of epic proportions but she is a strictly monogamous type of girl. She'd never grant him something akin to a Hall Pass, or turn a blind eye, if he was unfaithful it'd just kill her heart and set her up for a life of misery, for both of them. She desperately wants to cling to the past, yet fears the future of them, especially now after she nixed and got upset by his proposal query. Now he's looking for her, but if she didn't get upset he'd never bother trying with Manny either.

She'd never be unfaithful herself even if Jay is saying all the right things, and being concerned in his way. She added, "We discussed it I just assumed he didn't love me enough to walk down the aisle and make things official. He didn't think ever was the timing was ever the right time to marry me or something would come up financially or otherwise. I'm so sick of putting my needs on the back burner, I can't even remember the last time, eh never mind."

"Never mind what?"

"I said never mind." She persistently repeated herself, "Sex, okay?" She confirmed, "We haven't had a sex life or much of one, since I don't even know. I know, too much information. I'm so frustrated I sit on the friggin washing machine to get a release when I'm alone."

"Dirty laundry." He giggled, "Bad joke?" She didn't give him an answer, just shot him a glare. "Okay, what an icy answer."

"Well Jayson, 'tis the season." She sings a song bitterly in reply before once again dismissing her, but he doesn't truthfully buy what she is selling. "Jay, I don't expect you to understand."

"Well, you surely got me all wrong."

"That's bullshit. Who even invited you? I mean, sorry. I'm just fucked up my life, I feel like I did. I built my life around Craig and feel indebted to him, I stayed, and I was always much more fond of him than he was and he slowly learned to like me, and tolerate my shit, because I guess he feels obligated. After all, I had his daughter, and she is the only reason he took me back, took me in, and ugh, and even if you say you do understand, it's just probably to make me feel a little better, but don't joke, it's patronizing. I'm more than aware he has a wandering eye, how do you think we were before I got pregnant? While I was pregnant, I mean we were having sex, in secret, I'm not even surprised I got pregnant, even if it was from the first time. I have the worst luck in the world. So if you think you're feelin' sorry for yourself, I got you beat."

"Not that it's a contest, you win. You should give yourself some credit, you charmed him if you look at it that way. Putting it mildly, you're smokin'. Look at yourself." Manny faced the mirror and didn't recognize her reflection. Jay continued, "I'm not kidding around. You're right, I don't understand that part, but I'm trying here, it ought to count for something. It's more than Craig could say, even though I see his point of view too. Kids don't sound like a picnic."

She wanted to agree, but she was afraid to admit something so cruel. Lately, with Kat's changes in behavior, she's resigned that she inadvertently ruined her relationship with the daughter she sacrificed everything to raise. Manny exhaustedly sighed shaking her head silently, and rubbed her once pretty eyeliner job, before repeating something she said initially, "You shouldn't be here. I'm not in the mood to like to explain myself."

"C'mon, I just, hate seeing you like this, anybody like this." She looked away deliberately as he continued, "Look, no really look at me. Listen."

"Why should I? I don't want to become a self-fulfilling prophecy or be inherently wrong, just because I- forget it. I can't."

"All I wanted to say, if you must know I didn't think you thought I was vile or whatever, but listen here, seeing a girl cry like that and stuff, he doesn't deserve somebody like you."

"It makes me feel, some kind of way, I'd be lying if it was a joyous thing, I was on pins and needles and he just dismissed me one time too many. I got to be the bad cop with Kat since Craig can't be super tough with her, and I can't take her much longer with that attitude. I need a friggin' vacation."

"I can see it probably because you're similar."

"What do you mean? Kat or Craig?"

"Nah last time I checked Craig's a guy, difference. Big one, major. You know the term girls go to Mars?"

She nodded, mildly intrigued with Jay truly outdoing himself in the emotional intelligence department, but still ribbed back with the rest of the phrase, "Well remember how the boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider? I hope it's a compliment or leave if it's not. I can't hear anything negative."

"It is a compliment. Why wouldn't it be?" Jay put his arm around her in a friendly, nonromantic gesture to comfort her with good and not poor intent. "Listen." She accepted it and was floating upon the same wavelength, "You're capable of so much. Just have to show him. I used to purposely give shit advice, and there's alot I didn't do when I should've so take what I say however you want. It's your life, but if you need a friend, in a non-sexual way I'm here."

A pause fell upon Jay and Manny, she again wanted to avoid contact because it would be tempting to be with someone new as a weird fantasy, however, she knew she couldn't live with herself for being that level of betrayal. It would be what they, everyone who disrespects her for the things she did in her youth, or his youth as well, take your pick

She has invested a lot, but she's simply frustrated, she doesn't want them to end or be over, but Jay needs to keep his distance so she can keep her shirt on from here on out. Finally, she sees the appeal of a bad boy in his natural habitat. He says all the right things, he's quite handsome and charismatic with a sharp tongue as sharp as his wit, in another world or life they'd be endgame full stop, but here and now they're practically meaningless to each other.

I don't even believe love is real anymore or if our relationship has been worth it all this time. I'd been wanting him to do this forever, and like, now that he has asked me those four words a girl dreams of hearing, I just didn't feel like he did it because he wanted to, but because he felt obligated to. I mean we got pregnant young, we were together all this time and no, I don't regret that part, we did make great parents, and we sacrificed so much but, I do love him and that's never been something I mince with."

"Something tells me we're not hooking up." He jokingly nudged, and she laughed, "Ah there's that winning smile."

She beamed, "Right. I know I have to have a conversation with Craig. I guess I kind of overdid it with the drinks. I'm glad you and I could have this talk though. I know you're not Craig's favorite person or usually mine no offense."

"None taken." Jay softly smiled. "If I know anything and I don't claim to know a lot, Craig cares about you. He's a good guy like Sean, my best friend and Craig is a better man than I am. Instead of getting mad at you, he's looking for you and is worried, but one thing I know from watching you from afar is that I know I'm not prince charming, but he's closer to that peak than I am. I know why you schemed with me this evening, and it's better to be honest than having a lame hook-up."

"I'm a messy coward, I'm not as cute as I used to be, not as thin. Craig only liked me originally because I put out, before though. He thought I was this child and a year later we had Kat. He was my first boyfriend, the first guy not to mention the only guy I had hooked up with, and figures I end up pregnant."

"I heard from around, that they, pretty much the popular and such made it seem like you were some hussy. "Do you wish you had more support, besides friends and Craig's family, do you have a relationship with your family?"

"My family?" She asked, "What do you mean?"

"Yeah, like a mom and dad?"

"Craig and the Jeremiahs are more of a family than mine were." She scoffed shaking her head sadly, "No, as for my parents, they disowned me. I'd been with Craig ever since, they kind of forced my hand on that. They wanted us to get married, or make Katrina go away forever and, I wanted to have her so I lost them. Plus where my family is from it's frowned upon to have a young baby, out of wedlock. I had a cousin who was sent to live in a convent over a teenage pregnancy."

"Well, I guess it's different for girls. I have friends who are dads, I should be at the age I am but I have no business being in charge of anyone or anything. I'm kind of the family disappointment."

"You and me both."

"And the worst part is, I've spent so many years hooking up meanlessly with girls I liked for a time, but didn't love. I do want to be in love. I had it once, and I fucked it up. I wish I could find a nice girl to spend time with, but I get easily afraid of being patient with girls, who are sensitive as all get out, and committing part, I'd give anything for someone to hold me in their arms and not want to tear off my clothes, or vise versa, not so sound like a total girl, no offense, and tell me that stuff Craig said back there in front of everybody. If any one couple can make it, it's you and no, it's not just the liquor talking. You guys made it through a lot of difficult things, what's one more thing?"

"You give pretty solid advice." Manny replied unable to wrap her head around as she looked for her phone but continued speaking, "I just can't believe I'm in a bedroom, having a heart-to-heart with bad boy Jay Hogart from high school but alot has changed. I would've never been caught dead around you in high school and yet here we are. He's making some sense, sounds like I overreacted about Craig. I should call him but I can't find my phone."

Jay saw it on the counter by her drink, "Here we are."

She texted Craig:

I'm okay, I never left the house. We'll talk when you and Sean get back. I was home. I think Joey went out to get more liquor before bc he wanted a specific drink.

"Will you stay until they get back?"

"I was instructed by Emma to give you just water. She doesn't like me much."

"She's into Sean."

"I see why she's a grudgy girl, petty too but I'm not here to insult."

"Then don't, might I remind you the fact being that you weren't invited to the fireworks debacle."

He nervously chuckled, bravely saying, a shared antidote, he finally got the words together, he wanted her to know, "Manny, just wanted to say, for what it's worth, I didn't like how you were treated in high school when you know, I was there lurking around. I skipped a lot, but I saw you around, you know back then you were in Spirit Squad, top pyramid girl besides that Michalchuk chick who you beefed with because she was constantly on you or jealous?"

"Paige," Manny confirmed flatly and nonchalantly., "All that was pre-Katrina, yeah and a little after before I dropped that whole thing. I just wanted it all and I could've and I guess all that's left is regret."

"I always thought, if you weren't spoken for, I'd, ah forget it."

She looked up with a raised brow, "Excuse me, what?"

"I always thought if I had a chance," He avoided her eyes, for the first time he was super vulnerable, "Ah what the heck in another life, we could've been Mr. and Mrs. High school as corny as it sounds."

"Dreaming are we? A chance for what? Spit it out."

"Manny, don't make me say it."

"Why are you saying my name that way," She laughed unintentionally wildly and wickedly in disbelief and utter confusion. "What? When she realized he was essentially sentimental about her past but she'd never want to be near him, or touch him, leave him alone she reasons but when he said something like that she was overwhelmed with that 'aw' face and the bashfulness that is associated with such an admission. "Aw, Jay. You know nothing can happen."

"Ah don't salt my game."

"Honestly, Jay. All joking aside."

"Who said I was joking? If I could I'd sweep you off your feet. Like Aladdin, I'd show you a whole new world."

"Illegal street racing, gambling, drugs? C'mon, don't kid yourself."

"I wouldn't involve you in that shit. I've changed too." He feigned hurt feelings but kept things light. "Yeah but about what I said, it won't leave the room. I don't like drama, despite what pre-determined things you think you know from years ago.

"I guess what I'm saying is I'm surprised to hear that, I had no idea how you felt. I'm flattered, that was one of the sweetest things I'd ever heard, and from you?"

"Don't get used to it."

"You're not as mean as I thought, or suspected."

"So? You know, you're not as, insert something weird here," He humored as he added, "I don't know where I'm going with that." They both shared a laugh and he softly smiled putting his hand on Manny's shoulder to comfort her again readjusting, and segueing into a confession, "I guess I wanted to see you smile again, maybe you're right. I guess I wanted something special, and thought I didn't deserve good things back then, so I was a jerk, and sometimes I can be, but I know you're meant for amazing things."

"I'm not that girl you crushed on, I'm old now. I was prettier than."

"Nonsense, age ain't nothin' but a number, and you Ms. Santos aged like a fine wine, you're a friggin' beauty any guy would be so lucky, Craig is lucky."

Emma tapped the guest room, "Wanted to make sure both your clothes were on. Can we talk?"

"You're good?" Jay asked Manny concerned, she nodded her head excusing him, "I'll see you around, Manny. Chin up, keep smiling, and all that. You're still beautiful, I'm gonna go."

"Bye Jay," Emma and Manny waved him goodbye.

Emma with prused lips waited for Jay to leave the room as Emma talked to Manny, "Did I miss anything?"

Manny shook her head, "Just cheer up crew."

"Manny, we were looking all over you." Emma sighed sitting beside her where he had sat, and quickly pulling her into a hug. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I made things more difficult for you over the years. I don't think it's about that, but I just, I guess I don't know."

"Oh Emma, stop. I just, I don't know what I am right now. What do you mean?" Manny asked after she pulled away.

"I mean, me not coming home, ever. If that put a strain on you and -" Emma told her softly, "You guys had to drop everything for selfish me, and I didn't want to be selfish but it came off I guess a certain kind of way and, not to make things about me but I think that's a reason for some of the tension since I came over. I thought you wanted Craig to pop the question. You were droppin' hints when we were in the car at the airport, I mean that's how it seemed to me."

"Emma, while it was selfish, I get why. You needed to feel ready to face him. I wasn't so nice when I got pregnant with her, I had sex for all the wrong reasons with Craig. It's a miracle she was born, that Craig stayed with me and protected me. I did, I do understand, it's just, I just feel like it's too little too late for a proposal like it's some afterthought to him. I know Jay and even you are trying to make me see something I don't think he has for me anymore. I want to know if he's doing this because he loves me genuinely or if he's feeling the pressure, the tick ticking of the proverbial biological clock, or whatever."

"I don't think that's the case, I think he loves you but he needed a push, a nudge through the time together over the years, to realize that life is far too short, kind of like me. I'm glad I'm here spending the holidays with my friends in this house for the first time in so long I'm happy."

"Go figure, you're miserable 90 percent of the time," She griped and then added, "I'm happy that you are, but I'm sad. I have been sad sometimes, I missed you so much, Em." She sighed her voice breaking a bit, "I hated when you were so unhappy, everyone could see it, but distance sure wised you up when you do deal with things, you were lucky you got to run away from responsibility for a while. I felt like I was watching you disappear and our friendship was going to fade out."

"No, never."

"Through your fear of confrontation, you squandered those opportunities, like a lifetime piling, most of Kat's life, because you kept your distance. I feel guilty because no matter what I love you like a sister and I hate or extremely dislike you and still do when you leave, that you're always in these toxic relationships with Hollywood fuckboys. I mean really, Emma you're amazing I wish you could see how amazing, resilient, and strong you are. No one should make you feel that feeling of sad or worthless like MC Dice, I have a lot of things to say about him, but I held back out of courtesy. I mean, the fact of the matter is, Sean, that's what it's all about, and I'll have you know Sean Cameron practically idolizes you and regrets alot about how you guys ended, or how he treated you but you keep yourself so guarded, I just want you to talk to him, really talk to him and see what I see in you, and you both being potentially together. Everyone can see it, but how would you know that if you never bothered with him? I always suspected it was all about your extremely complicated love for him, you know the whole moving a country away, trying tirelessly to prove yourself when you never had to prove your worth. He thinks the sun shines out of you, he has in so many words told us how he felt over the years, give him a chance. He might surprise you is all I'm saying. That all being said, I needed to say it, and I'm glad you guys are doing okay."

"You texted Craig?" Emma asked as she changed the subject from the phantom of sore subjects in Sean Cameron, and Manny nodded, "Just checking, I'd hate for them to be out too late looking for you. And by the way, you and Jay?"

"We just had a nice talk. I wouldn't touch him with a ninety-nine-and-a-half foot pole, it was just to get Craig to see my side if that makes any sense. If I don't react I find, nothing gets done, or he just forgets."

"Why do you think I did what I did? I drank the Hollywood kool-aid and became a pop star, relinquishing my every day to become an overnight sensation some weird allegory or enigma of a pristine who turned into a pop tart later on, it's like I said a lot of smoke and mirrors like Cinderella or Snow White. I didn't intend for the charade to go that far."

"Sex sells?" She suggested innocently with a dimpled beam.

Amused, Emma shook her head and laughed a little, "Well maybe the money, the love of fans and stuff, and other frivolous reasons, initially anyway. Hollywood at its core, as I mentioned previously is a series of smoke and mirrors and parlor tricks. It's much more than meets the eye, tip of the iceberg kind of thing. What I wanted though, was, as selfish as it sounds, especially when he didn't say goodbye and just watched me go, not even reading what was truly happening, I stupidly wanted him to stop me. However, being a tough guy and not being honest with me was to hurt him. I wanted him to hurt bad, heartbreak, whatever it was that feeling in my heart and stomach that we'd never be the same again like he'd hurt me, why I never said goodbye to him. I'm not vindictive purposely, but, I wanted him to see what he was missing out on, and to make it easier I won't be around to make it even more of a point, and then of course, it was overboard. I never thought I'd come back. Now I have a lifetime of regret too. How can I repair it? Is it too late?"

"Never. Did you ever?"

"What?" She asked with a furrowed brow.

"Come home?"

"Well, kind of. I only came back a handful of times for Mom and Snake, once Jack got surgery a year or two before this one, and one another time a year after I left, I did run into him while touring here in Toronto, and it was weird. I kind of dipped and ghosted him and that's a long story again, and only now I feel of sound and mind and body to be candid on that. I held it in so long that it hurt me, and I was young and heartbroken, and I think I succeeded in that, I hurt him worse than he'd ever hurt me and yet he still thinks good of me, I feel guilty, I have so many regrets both professionally and personally and I wouldn't wish this life on my worst enemy but I made my bed and now I got to deal with that, and that's that. "

"Hold the phone, you and Sean, did you guys", She made an inappropriate gesture with a laugh, Emma nodded, and she made a surprised face with her mouth wide gaping, "What?"

"Like, it wasn't planned, we were young and stupid, even younger and stupider than we were before that whole thing. I felt funny not telling you back then, since we talk all the time, and it just never came up. I should've told you, maybe. I didn't think you'd be into it, but when I came I think his goal was to hurt me in his anger. He was very short with me and closed at first, he told me what he wanted, and it was messy I think he and Ellie were together but I'm not sure, it was wrong. It felt wrong, it was mostly a hookup, like in the Bartley Valley, his house once or twice, my security detail kind of hooked it up, and it was a long time ago. I feel guilty because Ellie until then, had no idea he still had feelings for me. She was dismissive when I wanted to get my stuff I accidentally left, she gave it to me and I gave her a letter to give to Sean, only I don't think she ever gave it to him."

"What did it say?"

"Alot, I hope he didn't read it, part of me thinks so anyway."

"Well, I can't say shit because I helped Craig ruin his relationship with Ashley."

"Well, it's whatever. Maybe I deserved her dismissal or some hate toward her. Before he dated Amy and Ellie before I could move on, it's been difficult for her. I couldn't imagine if a relationship, or a lot of it was based on lies and deceit. I changed. We both changed and grew and my naive self back then couldn't see that people can change. I ghosted him, I just used him for companionship in my loneliness, it was like a wound and he could see I was wounded. I love him, I always did since I was young, it's only more complicated with time, a lot of wasted time."

"Never regret anything that once made you smile." Manny told her calmly pulling her into a friendly, warm embrace, "I love you, thank you."

"For what?"

"For coming here, home for the holiday. I know it wasn't in your itinerary at first, but I'm glad you came and made time for us, for me. I ain't mad, even if you told me or not, it's not my business but, it's got to count for something that you guys talk about now."

"Yeah, I don't know what's going to happen when, not if but I got to ship back out to LA sometime in the not-so-distant future. It's definite by mid-January, I can try to see how far I could push back, I have contract obligations after my little vacation after the holidays and as much as I want to say fuck it, I can't. I can't do that to my fans either, whether or not my heart is in it, the plans are set in stone. I guess this is what I'm afraid of in the whole getting real with him."

"A common theme of, dare I say conversational confrontation. I hope you at least talked about there is somewhat of an expiration date, have you guys talked about this?"

She shrugged making an unsure expression on her face and a seesaw with her open hands and a shrug claiming in a question, "Ish?"

"Emma!" Manny exclaimed playfully hitting her arm, she recoiled and Manny excitedly jumped to send her wisdom.,"You guys are so in love it's crazy, please make sure you do what you got to do, and what you got to say, for both you're sanity and mine. I don't want this to happen again."

"Fine, we didn't talk about that. I know he's smart, he knows this, he knew it last time we hopped back on the rollercoaster, and if he doesn't mind, I guess he does love me. Maybe he's my secret admirer.

"What do you mean by a secret admirer."

Emma grabbed her purse and in a compartment in a florist envelope, she had not one, but two little greeting cards that came with flowers, "This one here was the first, it's 3 or 4 pages long, but it has a note, it was sent with a dozen pink long stem roses. The second one, here was short saying I should smile because I'm beautiful and that frowning gives me wrinkles and he wouldn't care either way. I have no idea."

"Emma you've been holding out on me. Isn't that too picture-perfect?"

"Anyway, I don't want to get my hopes up."

"Why didn't you tell me, I thought you sent them to beautify the house."

"Nah, they're gifts. Hear me out but some people, lots of people, think it's a picnic too, but they consider the industry, entertainment, and music stuff to be fun, and it is, don't get me wrong, but a lot of it has harder work and obstacles than a typical 9-5, it's a living."

"I'd rather switch jobs, want to switch? I'd rather not wear sneakers and a uniform.s"

"Not really, I mean I'm not so keen on polyester no offense."

"None taken."

"You know, I worked for roughly twenty years and barely took vacations in my whole career since the age of sixteen? I think I'm exhausted but it's all I know, and I'd likely be bored if I took an extended hiatus. My bosses would be so furious, but I feel like I'm less in control, more a passenger or a backseat passenger in my career. In the early years, I sometimes went without dinner, healthy free time, hobbies, and seeing my friends, total workaholic, and had no family for months or years that's a hard pill for me to swallow, and things changed so much since I originally left, and so do people for better or worse. Look at how much Sean changed, he ditched his slim shady baggy and opted for a casual look, or how The Dot looks now all ultra hipster and trendy. It's so weird. I know I changed too, or I let it change me and I thought it wouldn't but it did."

"I started at the diner ages ago too, I wanted more for myself."

"Manny?"

"Yeah?"

"I wanted to apologize." for being distant in our friendship too. I'm so sorry, I had no idea how hard it's been."

"We are the kind of friends people aspire, to because I forgive you, and I guess I just assumed you were happy out there, even if you were a little mixed up at some points. I'll always love you, Em. You're always going to be my number one,ride-or-die, best friend. I'll always have other friends, but you're the chocolate chips to my cookies."

"The lyrics to my song."

"The peanut butter to my jelly."

"Like coffee and cream."

"I can go on, but yeah, your soulmate doesn't have to be romantic." Manny softly lamented and looked at Emma, "We'd known each other so long, through drama and fights in high school, to being a godmother to my baby girl, who is wayward and mixed up in the wrong element, she needs you more than ever, Em. I wish you didn't slip away or run away, I don't think I'd manage if Kat did that to me, to us."

With determination in her voice, she declared boldly. "I have to get through to her."

"The truth shall set you free. Just sit her down, tell her like no talking until you say whatever it is you need to say."

"I know, but confrontation."

"You got to put your big girl pants on, and talk to your niece, even if she's not blood."

"She's my niece, I love her and I'm so confused about why she behaves like this, I know you and Craig did a great job. I just don't get it. You're gonna be okay?" Emma asked softly at the crook of the door ready to depart to see Kat.

"I'm fine. I got to face the music somehow."

"Well, I'll be around for the duration, well off to see the dragon girl, wish me luck?"

"You got this."

"Kat," Emma knocked on her bedroom door and was met with silence. She muttered disappointed, under her breath, "I guess she fell asleep."

She heard the door jam open after the sound of the locks undid and the door swung toward her, she nonchalantly, carelessly with a sullen expression asked, "What?"

"Can we talk, Kat?" Emma offered her a Ben and Jerry's from the downstairs freezer, spoons, and some other goodies like popcorn.

She'd been hiding out listening to her records, emotionally draining her pain, because she saw her parents fight and Manny storm away and now her father and Sean were looking for her, and was coping by drawing on her tablet on her computer in silence and solitude. She could hear it in her voice that she'd been crying.

She was zoomed in doing some shading before Emma came into the room. Her room was reminiscent of Kat Stratford played by Julia Stiles in 10 Things I Hate About You, but she didn't say a word about her decor, even if she did dig it just yet, with Kat's spin and style on it, making it authentically Kat's.

As a kid, Kat then Kitty, had ballerina borders and pink decor on her side as well as Angela's because she wanted to be a princess, a ballerina like her older cousin, but on the other side it was printouts of Degas works, art and books on shelves, and magazine clippings on a mood board, lots of trophies, and other awards, but on Kat's side, it was 90's grunge and indie sleaze collages and wall art, very much rooted in 2010's Tumblr culture her walls covered with posters of both bands and dark styles of artistry such as heavy metal and quirky vintage finds.

Her dad and she bonded but when she shut the world out in her isolation, the music became her comfort. She printed out a whole wall behind her headboard of fanart from her shows, art both hers and artists she admires, and pictures of her and Ang, even Emma was there around somewhere with her as a toddler but very dark, monochromatic and not too mention a warning sign in its self she is far from alright.

"Since you came with goodies, yes." She walked inside and stepped aside to let her in with distance in her voice, "So what do I owe this pleasure?" She asked sarcastically before reframing repaying Emma in more of a kindness, "So shoot, what's up? What did you want to talk about?"

Emma sat on the corner of her bed without permission assessing her where Kat had flopped back on Emma passed her a spoon and a Chunky Monkey Ben and Jerry's as they opened up their ice cream. With concern, she replied as they got settled, "It's about these past few years, and of course, when more recently we got off on the wrong foot, and it's worth mentioning that I fear you're a little lost."

"I'm fine." She told her point blank, a white lie to deflect and keep it formal and not get too deep or to be read into anything.

"I don't want to burden you with anything, I did deserve some of the shitty treatment from you, but not all of it. Your mom and dad want nothing but the best for you as well, Angela, and Joey, they're just concerned about you. We all are. I'm not sure why you fight so hard, what is going on? You can always talk to me, you know? I've been through a lot, maybe if you opened up to me, you'd feel better."

"What do you think we can relate to? You're like old, a-and you're, you're rich and everybody loves you, and why bother worrying about me? I can take care of myself." She avoided her eyes and sighed sadly after that thought. "Why do I do this?" She set down her ice cream on the bed and covered her face with her hands embarrassed.

"Believe it or not I used to think that too myself, okay?" Emma softly soothed her, by rubbing her back adding, "Oh, Kitty, what happened? You can tell me."

"I know you want me to love you again, I'm just mad. Like you just left everyone alone and behind because you chose your career over all of us. I just don't want to fight, I'm honestly tired of it, of all of that. I want to be normal and I know I can't. I hate myself, I'm so friggin' stupid. I'm falling behind in school because of what happened."

"What happened?"

"Now there's a loaded question."

"You know something? You're a lot smarter than you think, I admit maybe you were right about a few things. You got a quick wit and you're destined for so much. It's why I put that money -"

"Guilt money, I don't need your money."

"It's not about the money, it's not about that. It wasn't about you or me, it was about doing my part as your extended family member and I care a lot about you, I do. It might not seem so, because maybe I don't always come over to you, or ever, this is an exception but I always send you things, or cards, I tried to call but you refused to call back. I didn't turn angry or bitter, I just assumed you were busy."

"It doesn't seem that way, Emma. It just sounds like an excuse. It's like you became the persona of the career you hid behind like you are that Lucky, beautiful, unattainable, distant relative I see plastered on teen walls on covers of a magazine everywhere, I don't go around tellin' my friends who you are, you know? I keep that to myself."

" I'm telling you, I know in my heart something isn't right with you. I love you and we are all unable to figure out how to help you. I don't want to see you become unhappy where you need to do things you don't want to do or struggle with demons and things. You know, I missed you and I'm aware that you're not so little anymore. I know you detest when I call you Kitty, I know you're not a baby. So level with me, I won't tell a soul if you open up just a little about you, what you're going through and I'll do my best."

"You promise, not even my mom, or, or my dad?" She brought up her pinky to swear. "Swear on it."

Emma leveled and took her hand out to intertwine with the promise. "Cross my heart, please open up to me. I can probably help you."

"I don't know, here goes."

She proceeded to tell Emma about what she went through these past few years, weeks leading up to the incident, and what is happening now, which directly stemmed from these events.

It started as any high school rager, end-of-year grad party at a house with not a parent in sight. I feel bad because I lied and said there were going to be parents, no drinking, and I'd be home by ten at the latest.

At least I promised, I got home by 10 sure enough, and the whole way home I cried after the fact. Once I left, I was in tears, for the first minute of the walk I felt free and then it hit me that nothing would ever be the same, and that's all I knew. I was in shock when he left me in the bedroom as I searched for whatever I brought with me, but I never found some things, I didn't feel whole again, and I never reclaimed myself after the fact. I thought at the time everything built up for disappointment or heartache.

I just was in a rush to get out. After all, I was humiliated, even heartbroken, as I was doing the walk, the walk of shame from the ritzy Edgemont development to our house here in Riverside. I remember that I snuck in because I didn't want to talk, they trusted me back then and were likely fast asleep unaware, and I hid the evidence in my big chest in my bedroom. Ang wasn't living at home so I didn't want to burden her, she had no clue and to this day she doesn't know. Besides, it was another two weeks before she came home. I dreaded it because it was so hard for so much holding that inside of me. I remember panicking so I paid some twenty-something money to go into Novak's to buy me a pregnancy test because the stress had stopped my period.

He just used me and threw me away like I was nothing! He never called me. He had me blocked on everything, all but evaporated or something. He told his buddies for sure though, and they would mock me the next school year or whisper about me to their friends. Some girls think I just asked for him to do this. Some girls thought I was like a slut, and guys too. I didn't want to live anymore. I started closing myself off to strangers in school in fear they'd see it too there was something wrong with me because they thought I liked it. They couldn't be more wrong. He probably didn't tell them how I fought him, hit him, but also paralyzed so no matter what I wanted to do bite him I had no strength, how I tried so hard to tell him I didn't want to. I was practically screaming no, stop, go away, and he almost hit me because I wouldn't shut up. He just kept telling me to take it, enjoy it because I was lucky to have been picked for the night to screw. I was nothing to him. He played me. Seriously though, I had marks from him holding me, pinning me all over bruised on my arms for weeks. He was a football player he was strong. I was so unprepared, for any of it and I didn't even know it was happening until it was over.

I felt guilty for even liking somebody like him, how did I not see, how stupid I was for dressing pretty with makeup, and having drinks with him and his stupid friends who later trashed my reputation and made me lose my shit, I knew how disappointed they'd be in me, my mom and dad, I felt bad because I lied to them, and then I just started acting the part everyone believed I played because no matter what I said it was his word against mine, and I kept it a secret I figured would be until the bitter end in my grave. It made me question my judgment for even going to the stupid party or belief that people are good, all around. He had an inflated ego, a penchant for loving and leaving and I assumed I was going to be different but I didn't read the signs, like I'm so disappointed in myself. I regret it every day. I can't even fathom sleeping with Paul, because he'd see it too like everyone else, or worse, he'd leave too, and I know if I don't maybe he finds someone else, someone who does put out. He's been so patient with me. I can't tell him for fear of what he'd think of me. I'm sure the whole stupid school is thinking we're sleeping together and maybe he'll find someone else good not all bitter and broken like me, and I'll be left heartbroken and alone with maybe six cats, sounds pretty damn good I guess, the story of my life for the past year," She sniffled, "Ironic, huh?"

"Does anyone know?" She asked stunned and visibility felt like she'd been punched in the gut, failing to hide her horror to better be present and comfort her traumatized niece.

Emma had never really been through anything to that extent but knew countless stories such as this happening to other kids when she was in high school. Her ordeal was maybe more frightening because he did some emotional and physical damage to Kat, whereas as in Emma's case with Jordan, she escaped before anything too damaging occurred. A lot of the time in the hotel room as a hostage was spent with her mind fixated on the horrors and it did leave lasting scars. Even now Emma is extremely guarded, and hopes and prays if Jordan gets released he knows to stay away.

She shook her head no, she was trying to put a brave face for a long time. She didn't cry a single tear, not this time but usually when she's alone or fuming tears come out. At this point, she thought she'd cry too, which is why she hid it for so long. "I felt so much relief when I got my period because at least I didn't get pregnant from it."

"And you held it in all this time?" Emma softly asked.

Instead, she let her vulnerable truth shine through to her would-be idol, Aunt Em. "So what was I right about? Besides that, I'm a mess. I'm unwanted. My parents probably are embarrassed about all the things I've done to them since then, or said and even what they don't know."

"No honey. Listen to me, they're just worried. It's not your fault. He hurt you." Emma reasoned and leveled with a story of something tragic or could've been much worse had there not been intervention through her close friends. , "You know I was in an uncomfortable situation myself before I met your uncle and stuff. I don't advertise and I don't want this repeated, alright?"

She paused preparing her words carefully to not trigger her niece. "Your mom could have that hindsight or pre-anything that would or wouldn't happen between me and this person I stupidly believed and trusted. It was like that was the first taste of hurt I received. I spoke for eight months corresponding through e-mails with who I thought was a guy a tad older than me. It was amazing, thrilling even, admittedly having a boyfriend pen pal who was interested in, not to mention passionate about the same things. He was me way back then, but a boy."

"What happened? Was he not who he was?"

"Precisely, I was around twelve, almost thirteen or, so. He had me in a hotel room and he wasn't going to give me back to anyone. I was for a lack of better terms trapped there." Emma sighed, "I believed in him because I was young and impressionable, he took advantage of me like that other boy did to you. He was a boy and not the same so I think I have a vague idea, but I wish you could, when you're ready there isn't a rush but, please eventually reach out to your mom. She just wants to see you smile, and she could offer some wisdom and be on your side. Never make the mistakes I did in friendship, love, or otherwise. I almost think it's the way it's going to be for a while and I don't make the rules, Kat. I wish I did. At least you're still young, and have supportive friends and family, even Paul."

"I know, I think I could be ready sooner than later, I just don't know how to verbalize."

"You don't have to get into detail. He should be in trouble for hurting you the way he did, just because he was universally loved, but you have many roads to navigate through and none of it's going to be easy you have my support and you can decide whatever you think is best. I'll support you either way."

"Oh, before I forget." Kat conveniently changed the subject. "Something came for you."

She dug into the closet and retrieved a box with the same florist's name on it. Inside was a set of beautiful pink roses again, surrounded by baby breaths and she realized the color was closer to mauve like the ones she wore on her mother's wedding day adorning her arms and curly hair years ago, and she removed the melon-colored ribbons to put them into water. She quickly read the note which read:

I said I wanted to see you, I'm more than a little nervous about revealing after sharing this with you. I'm sure these notes are killing you, trying to figure out who I am, like it's killing my wallet too, making all this happen for you and me, or hopefully, a wish, a starlight starbright, blast from the past as you'll know soon.

A pun if you will, for you to better guess my identity. I hope it's not a disappointment, which I'm no stranger to being, honestly.

Anyway, running out of space on this tiny card from the florist. To see me, please meet me at Bennett Park 7 pm, actually scratch that, make it 7:30 pm, at the wood gazebo by the amphitheater. We'll have good seats and a view of the tree lighting.

I hope to see you there.

xo

Emma beamed to herself and disappeared from the room and ran a brush through her hair as she looked for her coat to meet her secret admirer. Against her better judgment, she didn't mention it to Kat, Manny, Craig, or anyone else. When she arrived the park was pretty much empty, vendors straggling, and some people sitting on the green, but the tree was illuminated still. Judging from the figure inside the shadows, it was a familiar one, she was right all along.