Chapter 12

Gone

Now, I don't wanna make excuses, baby

Won't change the fact that you're gone

No, no

But if there's something that I could do

Won't you please let me know?

The time is passing so slowly now

Guess that's my life without you

(Guess that's my life without you)

And maybe I could change my every day, yeah (You)

But baby, I don't want to

So I'll just hang around

And find some things to do

To take my mind off missing you

(Take my mind off missing you)

And I know in my heart

You can't say that you don't love me, too

Please say you do

GONE

*NSYNC / Celebrity

2001

-x-x-x-x-

After the park Sean against his better judgment decided to invite her over to his house, which in itself wasn't glamorous.

He wasn't embarrassed, but he wasn't thinking clearly, thrown for a loop by Emma and his recently rekindled flame, and the recent end to his once ember-like relationship with Ellie fully extinguished, but what he saw when he came in was shocking. Quite a bit was gone, he went through the apartment as Emma stood and looked on watching him in silence. He trudged around and rummaged through the house and saw furniture was missing, television, she had completely left without even telling him and he wasn't surprised, but angry because some of those things she took were his. He saw a letter with the photograph of Emma and Sean from the grand opening of the dot on one of the tables she had left with his name carelessly etched upon the rectangular envelope when he opened it up the short letter read:

"You know why."

-E

Next to the envelope with that letter enclosed was that picture of them, the one that Emma left behind by her locker, forgotten that he recovered, kept, and cherished in his sock drawer now standing before him in a frame.

He nervously ran his fingers through his hair, with Emma standing by his back to her, he could feel the chill air from outside coming into the warmth of the house, and insisted she stop standing there by the doorway, so he simply mumbled motioning her to come closer, "Come in it's cold."

She asked him quietly as she entered the room, in the corner of her eye she saw the photograph but chose not to say anything, "Is everything alright?" He put the photo down, not that he was ashamed but in some ways, he was that he had held on that relic for so long, and now she was here, witness to the destruction of his prior relationship. It wasn't the way it looked. He had somewhat checked out of the relationship for long, so perhaps he did deserve to lose out on things, but not like this, he supposed.

He didn't want to be bitter or sarcastic to her because he wasn't necessarily okay. If anything having Ellie gone could be scary because now he truly is alone, regardless of Emma continuing to be in his life going forward, he just didn't think she'd leave this way, even if they had broken up.

He simply apathetically sighed uncomfortably questioning aloud to himself nearly inaudible, "She took all the goddamn furniture, and she hired movers or something?" He surveyed the room scanning for anything of his that could be missing and it seemed to get him angrier and angrier, his hands at his sides in fists, and he desperately didn't want to lose his temper on her, or frighten her, she'd seen that side of him way back when, and he didn't want to lose her in his life, not this time. Now that he did have her, he was finally going to open up to her emotionally and do for her, love her unconditionally not in dreams, but in reality.

After a moment, he again motioned her to come to the stools where the kitchen island was, "I'd ask you to sit on the couch with me, but we don't have that." He shook his head in disbelief, "I'm sorry Emma."

She wasn't entirely sure why he was acting the way he did, but he could only assume it wasn't good. "For what?"

"All sorts of things." Sean searched for words without mentioning specifically Ellie by name, for all she knew he had been single all this time, he was free for lack of a better term, it just felt unceremonious because he knew he had hurt Ellie. "For taking you to this, this, dump with no furniture like some, some schmuck."

Emma sighed not wanting to admit it didn't look good for Sean, but he could see it on her, the discomfort, they had been riding the high of being something again, only for reality to jump in the way like oncoming traffic, or dodging a bullet, but he didn't want to argue, he just wanted to hide in a hole, he had been humiliated, he even worse deserved some comeuppance for being emotionally uninvested, and perhaps it's what Ellie wanted. She figured something was off to Sean, but she didn't know what to say, completely frozen and speechless. She knew it was more than the furniture or lack thereof, but she also didn't press him, like Sean aside from their argument in the alley never once pressed her for details as to why's and who's, she didn't press him for them then. Crazily, she trusted him but worried for him all at once as she asked softly. "Are you alright?"

He didn't answer right away, he wanted to say something but he just was taking in his emotions and needed time. He didn't want to ruin whatever it was they were embarking on. She asked softly putting her arm around him into a kind and friendly, yet loving embrace, "Maybe we can sit in y-your room? We'll talk."

"Just talk?" Sean asked softly.

She was somewhat taken back because she wanted to approach things with sympathetic thoughts, and rational neutrality, with her feet planted firmly on the ground, completed with talking about the good, the bad, the cringe and or embarrassing, and whatever, while keeping her wishes and dreams rooted in reality, and Emma answered uncomfortably, "Uh yeah." Only then could their wildest fantastical dreams come to fruition, but they have to communicate or they'll never quite take off the way they wanted to.

Admittedly Emam was alluding to the fact that for quite some time, a while, they both lived in some sort of fantasy, saw the relationship they once had as rainbows and butterflies like some Lisa Frank looking and feeling, bold and fantastic, fairytale, fantasy, where he was this misunderstood type of bad boy, and to Sean she was amazing. Now they are on the threshold of something new and exciting and then to them, suddenly it seems like it's too much to risk, as if there were high stakes, like some fairytale with some internal and outward battle.

She hadn't pictured the once romantic evening going quite like this, but she wasn't disappointed because, at this moment she was cautiously dancing about what she was to say to him about the truth or status of their lives in the recent past that led him to this nearly crushing moment in his mindset in the here and now.

She softly reached out her hand to comfort him and placed her hands in his, which he reluctantly took to as she stammered out, "We can talk about it if you want, but only if you want to. No pressure." She had lived so much in her head she had been utterly clueless about his life since. She prejudged initially and they argued and fought bitterly only to come together and have something special in the days that followed.

He thought for a moment that from his initial look-through, walk through he knew the bed was there, it was a tad more comfortable than the chairs.

It looked as if when they did venture into the room, it was a mess. Ellie tore the closet pretty much up and Sean's shirts were strewn about all over the floor and whatever remnants of things she left behind or forgotten remained. She didn't want to be a rebound, but she didn't want to lose what she found, jump to concussions, and hurt his feelings. She just decided to focus on him, to de-escalate his mood which seems to be feeling a combination of anger and surprise. She skirted around the clothing on the floor as he sat down on the side of the bed and tapped a spot beside her.

"Em, I'm sorry about the mess, it's a long story."

"It's okay. I have nothing but time."

"I doubt you want to hear about that, it's a consequence of me being careless."

"It's okay, we don't have to talk about the house."

"I assure you it's not okay." If there's any consolation is the sheer fact if you weren't here I don't know what I'd say or do, honestly." She listened to him speak, In the first rational non-mumbling sentence he spoke about his feelings freely, somewhat afraid of what Emma was to do and say afterward, as he continued with, "I have to admit I'm a little embarrassed, more than a little embarrassed. A few days ago my long-term girlfriend and I broke up, it was a long time coming. We had been off and on for years, and I'm not going to name names. I know I'm partially or completely at fault, but it's just done now, and I guess it's time I realize that she and I were not meant to be together, I just worry now because she is someone who can't be by herself, and when she does she resorts to drinking and or other substances and I know we had segued from romantic feelings to this, I just want to know what you're thinking? I mean I just said a lot of stuff, you know it's just I don't know what you see in me."

"

"What I see in you?"

"I can't describe. Sean, I have always, I've always cared, sometimes too much about you, the whole time I was gone I missed you, you might not believe it, but I did."

" I don't know if I have any place or say to judge you on what you did or didn't do, what we were, who we were, and somewhere in between of what you and I had become over the years. I hope to be someone worthy of you, or what I thought could be worthy of you. I sold out kind of, you're right, you were right about that. I do know that I care a lot about you, but I don't want to declare something you might not be ready to feel. I just wanted to be loved I guess, you know, pretty, popular, likable, but I truly believed I was becoming someone, and maybe for a time I liked it. Having been that plain Jane kind of friend, while Manny was more fashionable and pretty by comparison, I felt inadequate and then I lost you and I just at the time wasn't seeing the big picture."

"You cared about me, all the time. God, I am a jackass. I loved you all this time, wishing hoping even praying you'd come back here, it was a long shot but I never once gave up that hope."

"You're not -"

"What?"

"An asshole."

"You're not completely, and a part of me hoped for you, you'd realize your potential, even if you found whatever it was you searched for or became without me. Now look at yourself, you worked hard, got through high school, graduated from mechanics college vocational skills in something you like, and now you own a garage. You shouldn't get down on the past like I did or tend to get mad at things I didn't handle right. That's my consequence, there's always a consequence because I compromised so much of my values for so long."

"I feel responsible. Alot of this means nothing without you, you do know I have strong feelings about you, about this, what we had, and I feel so guilty."

"We, you and I are responsible for our destinies. I've been told this time and again by Belize and my many therapists over the years. So when I first came to town I assumed I'd run into you and I had a whole idea of what it was going to be when we finally were in the same place face to face, and for the first time was made unaware that distance is an action, and I've kept my distance for so long because of fears. You scared me and gave me the biggest wake-up call, and I'm not saying to you because I'm saying this because I know you hate confronting people and I do too. Perhaps that's what your ex-girlfriend just took out, and pinned it on you, I mean look at it from her shoes, you two broke up and she felt it was pointless to stick around if you two weren't romantic anymore, right?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"I figured the same for me, years ago, it's not that different. I just felt cast aside and discarded. You used to make me believe that you didn't steal Snake's laptop when Jay almost straight-up admitted it. I know why you did that, because I knew you'd be in trouble or face expulsion or suspension, and I never ratted you out because I thought it was just and fair, there's a lot you don't know about that last month I left."

"You tried to talk to me, I think I remember."

"What did I say?"

"You apologized to me for how things went, and I thought it was a trap."

"I think it was the final nail in the coffin that I had to change who I was because I wasn't getting anywhere and it took a long time for me to heal. Instead of healing the hard way, I took an even more impossible route and I just dated people to date them, but nothing could replace the way I felt when I was with you. You have changed, Sean, for the better. You deserve to be happy."

"Is there a but?"

"No, but maybe I'm a little scared to open myself up to something with you, seeing this side of you brought on a lot of sentimental, nostalgic feelings that I don't know if it's because of that I'm so drawn to you, I can't deny there's something here worth exploring."

"So what do you feel?"

She still wanted to give him time to speak on him, what he felt, what he's been thinking, but the last thing she wanted was to talk, but she wanted to make sure they were absolutely without a single doubt on the same wavelength. "What about you?"

"I asked you first." He softly challenged her bringing himself, inching himself closer to her.

Speechless and ashamed she buried her head in his chest to avoid eye contact, he playfully pushed back and cupped her face in his hands so that they were face to face again and planted a soft kiss, "I want you in my life, I know my life isn't perfect, neither is yours I'm not naive, but it's worth it, and so are you." And then he kissed her passionately and they simply gave in to their ultimate desires, everything, with the person they both had wanted for years, yearned for decades, their fortresses built miles high around their hearts separately and quickly torn down in seconds for they weren't ashamed of their feelings anymore, because they coexisted, Sean and Emma were completely blissfully close to one another, feeling their emotions, love, all of it in one fell swoop in that room, in the dimly lit bedroom, they became something more.

-x-x-x-

Over the next few days, Sean and Emma were inseparable.

He'd take her back to Manny's to spend time with her, every morning before work, and then after work, they'd go to dinner, they'd walk around, and she'd turn up back at Manny's by the wee hours of the morning or early the next morning if she decided to spend the night.

Manny knew better not to ask about what they were doing she chalked it up to them making up for lost time, and did they ever.

Emma felt guilty the first time she came over to Sean's place, Ellie when she moved out took most if not all of the furniture so for a while, they were lying in Sean's room and he brought the TV from the living room into his room so they can do some Netflix and chilling together. Half the time they wouldn't watch the movie because they'd get into random longwinded deep conversations filling in the gaps from when she departed to when

Some things they knew better not to ask about. She desperately didn't want to be his rebound for Ellie, Sean assured her that if anything Ellie was his beard, a crutch, someone he saw because they were both at heart, lonely. Emma hadn't been entirely sure what a good relationship could be, since he was always the bar, the standard, and everyone else was incomparable, nothing compared to Sean. MC Dice was the closest to her in a long line of flings and exes, but even he was a placeholder for the person who truly owned her heart.

Since Sean's reveal as her secret, or not-so-secret admirer, she had re-blocked MC Dice and pressed on. They weren't compatible, and he had caused her a lot of grief especially in the media, riding her coattails in the fame game. She got an e-mail from his people, trying to figure out why she had called the week before when the first bouquet arrived and she reached out through text. She kept this a secret from everyone because she knew that she was wrong, and she didn't want to doom her newfound relationship with Sean, even if it wasn't formal, they were as good as they could be. He hadn't asked her to be his girlfriend, but it was pretty much unwritten. Sean feared if they put a label or a formality if something were to happen sideways, at the very least it was safer to just simply be.

Spending all of this time together is reminiscent of the last summer they spent together, that last two weeks when The Dot opened and they were, the first people to walk through the doors. Before it was the neighborhood eatery similar to an Applebee's, it became a cafe oriented around coffee and other beverages, and similar to Starbucks aesthetics, it was certainly a different kind of place. The manager at the time took their photo, and it was the photo Emma left behind when she left town for what seemed to be for good, and they are simply just enjoying whatever it is they are at this time. Perhaps it could be a question to ask her in due time, he doesn't want to rush it or push too many boundaries.

As they lay in bed fighting their desires and such, she laid her head on his chest.

By then, things were alot calmer during the holiday hangover. Manny was cleaning up the house. She happened to come across a series of photos in the basement. Kat walked in on Manny with a handful of decorations destined for the tubs in the basement, "Mom where do you want these?"

She was in pensive thought as she barely heard her, she sniffled, they were memories of the past she was still sifting through. "Oh come here, honey."

Kat put down the decorations and sat with her on the floor of the basement, she found an old milk crate and decided to turn that into a seat, "What's wrong?"

"Just memories." She was silent at first, but quietly mentioned, she peered over her shoulder and shrugged, "Did I ever tell you about your grandmother and grandfather?"

She recognized a younger version of the man who came over and she remembered she indeed had to break the news now. "Who is he?"

She changed the subject set the picture down and faced her daughter. "Before you were born, I used to be in a family, a traditional Filipino kind of family."

She simply listened as Manny went on, "When I was fourteen I was a different kind of girl. I was not very popular, I had lots of friends, I was on Spirit Squad, good grades, and I was this idealistic dreamer, rebellious and I'll admit I was fun back then. I developed a crush on this boy, he was a grade ten, water polo, soccer, athletic type."

A knot of anxiety was in Kat's stomach when she felt as if she could predict what she'd say next, "However, he didn't give me the time of day because I was this young grade 9, who dressed like her mom and dad said, very plain, not flashy. An older girl in Spirit Squad, the captain suggested if I didn't want to be boring, blend in, or whatever I should change my look. I remember being up like half the night going over what she said and then boom, I got straight to work. It was like three hours before school was about the start and I just put this big winter hoodie on over it because my mom and dad would've had this huge conniption had I gone to school like this. I had this seafoam green, terry cloth, midriff lowrise get up on, and guys, not just the boy in grade ten, but other boys started to notice me."

Manny saw a picture, "Here's one from the yearbook that year, wasn't I hot?

"Ew Mom, knock it off. You're sounding so pick-me."

"What's that even mean? Anyway, I got shit for that, grounded without my cell for like a week! I'd sneak out to Emma's most times anyway, but they could trust them. Anyway, so my interest faded once I got to know the initial guy. I was just still interested in someone else, someone I had a bad date with the year before, he compared me to a child. It was a major blow to my ego, and I somehow set my sights on your father, but this time there were some complications, big complications."

"So you had a bad date with Dad, and he gave you a second chance?"

"Yeah and no. I pursued him. I wanted him to see me as his peer, not someone who was younger than him. I stopped collecting Fluffy fluffs and started just spending my money on my looks. I'll admit, I ruffled a lot of feathers, your Auntie Em was one of the first people to kind of say to me that I was doing too much. I'll admit I wasn't tame, but I kept all or most of this stuff like that from your overprotective grandparents. That was when my brother left for college, and I didn't see him as much, and then my parents just turned their back on me when I got pregnant with you. I tried to write to them when you were a baby since they refused to see me or accept mail from me, it was always returned to sender, they kept one or two things, and I begged them in writing that they at least communicate with you, but they wouldn't hear it. I think it was more my father than my mom I'm afraid. He was a very stubborn man."

"I heard."

"What?"

"Your brother came over, the holidays have been so crazy it slipped my mind." She picked up the family photo of the Santos Family, and pointed, "It's him."

"He what? Where was I?"

"You were getting ready for the party or something with Aunt Em and I just don't know or didn't know how and when to break the news to you. I'm sorry."

In a soft and vulnerable tone, she asked, "So why did he come by? Did he say?"

"He said your mom might not be doing so well, and I don't know everything but he thinks maybe if you were to reach out maybe you can be there for your mom."

She scoffed, shaking her head not facing her as Kat bravely recounted, "Apparently he's been asking about you. She still cares."

Manny was silent and bitterly hurt by finding out And didn't want to take it out on her daughter the messenger. "I hate to sound this harsh and I hope you never feel this way about me when I'm older and stuff but goddamn, but it's too little too late. She stood by my dad and cast me out, and I wanted to shield you from them. That is such bullshit he came over to talk to you."

"I know your dad and you had a shitty relationship but what about your mom? Why are you casting her out? "

"She lost me when she stood by my dad."

"Like you stand by my dad?"

She paused and nodded, "At least your father has kind of given me the time and space for me to have a point of view, we rarely argue like how I grew up, that sort of thing was frowned upon with my family, I don't even know what to call them honestly. I haven't seen them since, since you were an infant."

"you can't avoid him or her forever. Me and what happened isn't a reason to shut him out entirely, I mean whatever it is has to be fixable or could be remedied by talking to one another right?"

She shrugged her shoulders and shook her head as she replied, "It's complicated and far from your scope, it's adult crap you'd be bored."

"I'm not stupid, I know you guys don't communicate."

"Honey, you're not, you have eyes but you ain't stupid it's pretty obvious. You know you and I haven't safely been communicating effectively lately either, Missy."

"Maybe so, but at least he tried to mend things, and I did apologize. I even got to mend fences with Auntie Em who is God knows where with Uncle Sean."

Manny impressed by her daughter pulled her close, "You know too much. I have it handled, it's gonna be fine."

"Are you and Dad okay?"

"We will be, at least I think so."

"Why didn't you say yes?"

"Again, this is an adult conversation, you're out of line, what are you getting at?"

"It affects me, Mom, it is family stuff, I am part of this family right?" Kat put her hand on her mom's shoulder to get her to open up, she looked as if she'd been holding back on a lot for a long time, and she didn't make things so easy for her mom, and now she's seeing it.

"Of course you are, and you are my daughter, our daughter, whatever but this isn't a conversation I should have with you."

"Why?"

"You're seventeen."

"I'm older than you when you were pregnant with me, right?"

"Well if you must know, the only reason I agreed to even date your father -" Kat's smile faded with confusion and hurt, she shook her head and turned on her feet to walk away before she said any more cruelty toward her mom than she had this year, and just walked away to give herself time to stew. "Kat wait!" She didn't turn around behind her and just walked. She went upstairs and saw that Kat walked right out the front door, her sneakers were gone, and so were her cigarettes. She sighed and signed onto her Facerange account searched her brother's name, and found him. She decided to boldly send him a message which consisted of just a simple hello. She didn't know if it was indeed him, it'd been so long. He was married, had no children at this time, but had a wife and still was in touch with her parents, she saw as she scrolled through a picture of him and their parents but she was nowhere to be found when he ended up graduating college. He had a good job, a doctor at a hospital in a town a few miles away from them.