If I were in your shoes (Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)

I'd whisper before I shout

Can't you stop playing that record again?

Find somebody else to talk about (To talk about)

If I were in your shoes (Hey, yeah, yeah)

I'd worry of the effects

You've had your say, but now it's my turn

Sweet dreams, my L.A. ex

Rachel Stevens/

SWEET DREAMS MY LA EX (2003)

Chapter 14

Sweet Dreams my LA Ex

The truth regarding Emma's relationship with MC Dice was somewhat of a fling, a friend with a benefit, that became something more. At first, she didn't want him to know who she was, or what plagued her, and she was very guarded. He wasn't all bad, he did have a sweet core and a big heart, but she pushed him away constantly. He wondered if it was even worth it to embark on anything real.

At first, it was wining and dining, her avoiding him but somehow unable to keep away from him, like some game of cat and mouse. The wine was a calling card, a standard, as he did with most girls in the industry, take a girl, an it girl, a new, fresh-faced model, and if their 15 minutes ends or something goes wrong, he was so fickle, so does their relationship last, no, by then he'd move onto someone else. By the time they got together Emma's persona as Lucky took over. She simply didn't want him to know who she was. It was a mystery to herself time times. So the rumor mill spins madly on, and by then he's moved on to the next big thing, she'd think anyway, and then before they knew it they were young and together for a long time. She was starting to feel safe to let herself slip away and that's when the trouble started. It wasn't just one thing, she knew who she was getting involved with but the chase kept things very interesting like a game because she knew who really and truly held her heart regardless if they knew at all.

Factually, Dice was a tad older than her, she'd been warned early on about him but somehow his persistence wore her down. He had a whole life, he was once married and allegedly had children he didn't raise, before she began dating him, and was mostly known as a playboy, a player, who lies to get into girls' heads and leaves them just as fast. He swore he was a changed man, time and again, assuring her he only had eyes for her, she became his literal muse, he was so in love with her, or at least that is what he led her to believe.

So when he did what it was that he did, she cut her ties with him, blocked him on everything, and only saw him on a need-to basis. Her team was scrambling when they unexpectedly broke off their long-awaited engagement, their love story played on everyone's love for the good girl and bad boy of music's romantic relationship, but after it all ended she vowed to never, ever put her love stories in the public eye. She was so blinded by love, that she turned a blind eye to the criticism of her once-loved beau, and she almost forced herself not to act out, or get emotional, so the 'love' story was perfect in public, but a mess, a toxic one behind the cameras and the buzz. She still missed Sean, but she didn't know how, not when MC Dice was sending her love letters, and flowers, wooing her, and romancing her in ways Sean hadn't, but even miles from her he had that emotional hold on her. She heard after their break up that MC Dice was flirting with his dancers, even her female dancers, but he was a very charming narcissistic kind of person, she thinks he was sincere at one point, but he's too stubborn to admit he was wrong in many instances. She knows she isn't the perfect woman for him because she never let him treat her any way he pleased, he figured if he was throwing money at her, at the media for publishing negative press about the two of them only to turn the tables after and speak out on how 'awful' she was, to tarnish her reputation in the industry and media's eyes, then at the very least he was preserving himself, and thinning less of her, but she somewhat blames herself for the fallout. At first, he was coming on strong, but she figured that was his way. He was very persistent but he was patient too, kind, not the tough guy bravado, very reminiscent of the Sean she fell in love with, just dressed like the Sean she despised as if she were punishing herself for losing the person who truly held her heart, her biggest secrets, her deepest dreams, things that make her sad, but she never really spoke of Sean, only in song but never by name. A lot of songs that are attributed to MC Dice to her fans are, where in reality odes of a lost love, and less about her current. She was a dreamer to fault, she often dreamt of the day, so perhaps he isn't a complete villain in her life, but the way he came in to steal her heart, break down her defenses, and manipulate her throughout their almost 10-year relationship was criminal. What was her crime? What had she done to deserve it, she didn't want to be someone who could break a heart, even if she wanted to she could, but she never wanted to inflict such pain on someone else.

Whenever Dice would get too close, like in the old pop bop Sometimes, she'd move away, not geographically but simply not want to get too close, she never completely let go, gave in, or even was committed. She never outright cheated but she capitalized on her persona which she has even now a higher star presence than Dice, who had minor hits in the last decade where she is multiplatinum in her 8 significant eras.

Interviewers used to ask, she'd publicly sing his praises, but maintain an air of privacy and respect, she wished he had done the same to her. If he loved her at all, he would've seen through it and respected her wishes for privacy like she had done not to sully both their reputations with secrets shared in confidence over the course. Dice knows nothing about her hometown ex.

She had figured if he knew that would start a media firestorm, and she wanted to avoid or minimize destruction, she evaded questions about the ill-fated relationship for so long, even if her team wanted her to respond in song, kind of a dig at the once notorious 'rough' and tumble Dice, and paint him what suits the narrative, but she's not that way. She could if she wanted to. She has had many opportunities to trash him on television, through interviews, and on the radio she is sometimes asked about things he'd share about her with strangers and she sometimes would plead ignorance or simply say, next question, but anything but no comment because that makes her guilty to the masses. Emma heard a knock at Manny's door and standing before her was the man, the myth, the legend MC Dice. He was dressed rather nice, not really streetwear but even got a haircut, his jeans weren't ripped, he was wearing a nice shirt, and a leather jacket, she would even admit inside that he was handsome, but she couldn't forgive and forget what he had said over the past year in their relationship, "What do you want?" She asked dismissively, "Whatever you're selling I don't want."

"You know why I'm here. You know who I am." Dice whined, "Can I come in?"

"It's not my house. How do I know you're not going to rob the place?"

He gave her a look and then she stepped aside and he admired the living room, "It's humble, cozy, so this is where you grew up?"

"Is there a point?" Emma asked crossing her arms.

"Can we sit and talk?"

"I've been thinking."

"Dangerous for you."

"Oh, don't I know that, but I've been thinking about you. Thinking a lot. I know I wasn't perfect, but maybe we can make music together again, you know like we used to. You sing I rap on the track, it'd be lucrative, but I just plain miss you."

"I'm impressed, is this a business proposition or a plain proposition?"

"A shitty attempt, and I do apologize for it, all of it, everything I did, because I was hurt, sincerely, I figure maybe we do this, and we can get back to where we belong."

"Where do we belong? For the record, I don't belong to anyone!"

"So be with me again, we can grow together, I'm done playing. I mean I'm 35 years old, I'm tired of being labeled as a bad guy here, from your team, from the masses and I want to be regular, still making music with the woman I love. Heck, you don't even have to be with me, we can just work together."

"Yeah and ride off my coattails after bashing me, pray tell, how would that even look, because you're thinking about yourself, again! I ain't falling for this shit anymore."

"It'd show you're forgiving and the opposite of a cold bitch and willing to compromise."

Offended she questioned, "What? "If you knew me at all you wouldn't dare say a thing like that. God what I ever saw in you is beyond me, you have to go."

"Please, Emmy. I'm trying to change, it's not my fault you dismissed me a lot, avoided me, and blocked me when all I've been trying to do is put us back together. Please think about it."

"I think I thought of it, the answer is no. I can't believe you right now, barging in at my friend's house to get me to work with you again. What you can't make a song on your own?!"

"That's not it, I love you, Emmy. You're like the most beautiful, radiant, thing but something was always preoccupying you, even when I did spend the night you were always I don't know, sad. I thought I was inadequate and I think I let that hurt over time take over. I am sorry, I was hurt. I never pressed you for details, you don't have to but at least think about letting me back into your life. Please."

She wanted to get rid of him, "I'll think about it. For now, you have to go, so bye."

"So it's a chance."

"Just go before I change my mind or even consider, it's not definite but right now I have a lot on my plate."

"You won't regret it, I'll be so good to you, my people will set it all up, you won't have to pay for or worry about a thing."

She shot him a glare, "Okay, I'm going."

She shut the door and sighed shaking her head. Manny came in from her shower after they had done yoga and Emma wasn't even showered when she had that weird exchange, "No Sean today? Were you just talking?"

Emma contemplated on even telling her, so she simply answered without much excitement in her voice or care, "No, MC Dice came by."

"Serious?"

"Yeah."

"Girlie, that ain't nothing! You need to dish, out details now."

"What are you I Love Lucy, he's my ex-boyfriend, emphasis on ex. There's nothing to tell." Emma didn't want to talk about him, she was still recovering from the interaction in itself and had up until that moment sort of forgotten about him, how they were close and kept tight-lipped about whatever they had in the past, and left it there.

"Wait, what, like was he just here, in my living room?" Manny asked all starstruck, "You didn't tell me?"

Emma exasperatedly closed her eyes, "He isn't welcome, trust me. I did you and I, your entire family, a favor. It was a very short visit. He had a lot to say, but like I always do, I dismissed him."

"Emma, I can't believe this. You were with him for like 10 years. That's bound to conjure up scars."

"I know, I lived it." Emma answered and then added, "It was a weird time, I mean I was up and coming and I rose not long after him, so we're like connected through it all, career sense, but when we split up he tried to position me as a cause for a split, he blamed me for all the things he had done and now he's sorry. I wish I never texted him."

"So you thought he was the secret admirer?"

"Yeah, but I should've known he wasn't, I guess I thought after everything he was making an effort when I think I just wanted an apology, or I didn't care anymore because it's always been to some extent me never letting go of what happened between me and Sean. I know he and I weren't together as long as Dice and I, but I never got the feelings I got with anyone else."

"So was he a decent boyfriend?"

Emma shrugged uncomfortably, "I don't kiss and tell, c'mon Manny, I moved on from that part of my life, and I know that's not easy to admit because he was a big part of my early career. We wanted different things, I wanted to escape, he wanted fame, and we both got more than we bargained for. So to keep it simple, I'm shedding that skin, and leaving it where it belongs."

"How come though you couldn't simply forget about Sean when you had a hunk o' man like MC Dice? I mean I've seen his recent pictorial in GQ, not too shabby. He still has your face on his arm, like some lucky charm, but like I said, it's not to say Sean isn't good-looking. What is so different, you and Sean were like twelve when you guys fell for one another, I guess it's true what they say about first loves."

"It's not about looks, so what's the story about you and Craig now?" Emma asked changing the subject to something Manny didn't want to talk about yet, since she was already pushing Emma to do the same. "What is so different?"

"I mean Craig's been my before anyone, first everything. I can't imagine my life without him, but he hadn't proposed in like 10 years, I didn't think it was in the cards for us. I know we had a lot of difficulties financially, but with everything with Kat, I guess I felt like he was doing it for me when he just seemed not as invested or out of touch with whatever was going on here. I love him, I do, but maybe we're not meant to be doing the whole, you know, churchy thing."

"Lots of people don't get married in a church, you mean like officially and all?"

"I mean like a wedding or a marriage. I mean we're committed, who says we need a bonafide thing to make it realistic? I mean our daughter is a mess right now."

Emma sighed and comforted Manny by soothing her, "Manny I had no idea."

"I don't want to say anything stupid, trust me I already did that with Craig and Kat, but we have to address that you were largely absent, so you have no idea what it's been like seeing everyone you included passing me by."

"Life is not a race, you know? Want to trade?"

"I wouldn't trade what I have with Craig and Kat for anything. I joke around a lot, say stupid things because I feel so maxed out, and I feel like my parents were right, and that's something I've wrestled with for years. Maybe Kat feeds off that, because it's hard to hide my disappointment in myself, the compromise of my values, and whatever else.

"Manny, you like can take comfort in knowing damn well my life isn't as easy as it seems but I get what you mean. I could've had years without Sean to know that I just feel here in my heart that it just is meant to be something I can't run from anymore. I remember fighting so hard to be Craig's number one, only for you to say no to his proposal. Is it more than just about Kat? I mean Kat told me some things in confidence, this isn't about you guys, it's about her. I don't want to overstep. She should feel safe to come and talk to you on her terms, her terms, not by you confronting her, and dismissing her cries for help. I'm sorry for all of the things I didn't do, my shortcomings are not why she resents us. It's because it's the cool thing to do. We both gave our parents grief am I right?"

"Yeah, that is true."

"So what is your game plan?"

Manny sighed, "Juggling a relationship, home, jobs, and a child or teenager is kind of hard on our relationship. I do want to marry Craig, no buts about it, and I don't want Kat to be hurting anymore. I mean I know vaguely what it's like to be a kid. We all do, Joey too. Kat though especially had it a bit challenging because we didn't know what we were doing back then."

"I mean Spike may have it together nowadays, but it was a struggle when I was a little and a baby because she didn't know just how to take care of a baby, who grew into a mini version of herself, headstrong, independent but yet I ran away basically because I was feeling all this pressure to be someone I wasn't in high school, only to find out that it was all a big misunderstanding and by the time I realized I had made a big mistake, I justified it so that I didn't have to face any kind of consequences if that makes sense, not that it's an excuse because it's not, it's just where my head was at. When I was gone, I'd still creep and peep Facerange and Hastygram just to see what you guys all were doing. I wanted to be around, but fear kept me kind of complacent. I feel guilty, you might not realize it, but I figured it was selfish of me to keep how much I missed all of you and so many milestones because I was being stubborn."

"I'll say, stubborn."

"Yeah, I know. It makes me come off as some bitch or frigid but in reality, I just didn't want to hurt anymore being without the people I care about which include Sean, I'm afraid I'm headed for another heartbreak but I hate admitting I settled for Dice when I always loved Sean and I just took so long to realize and he's just fresh out of a relationship with Ellie who dated longer than I was with Dice."

"What did he say?"

"He just was too late, it doesn't matter. He was kind of a placeholder for the time being I think a bigger part of me did care but not forever, he may have thought the person I would portray as was the real I never let him too deep or all my layers of my passions and personality so he knew a fraction. He's inconsistent and not the person I see myself with. He begged me to forgive him for the near destruction of my career that I don't even want anymore, I don't even want it there. I said it."

"What?" Manny asked, "I don't follow you're like a queen In the industry and You're gonna walk away where you can make a real difference? What about dare I say the environment?"

"Our friendship and all you're real, I trust you I trust the people in my life here more than the sham friends with few exceptions of my staff. I'm never doing the disappearing acts I did before, I want to be here in town and take a full-on hiatus effective immediately. I just feel bad for my staff and stuff. I haven't had a vacation and having the taste of being regular, average, normal life I can't believe I never did it years ago. I still can have a career. Wondering dreaming And hoping only got me so far." Emma sighed, "I hate knowing I missed out on so much in your life."

"I know Em, but you were living a life I could only dream about. I don't want you to give up on your staff, your fans, or your career for me, you have to do it for yourself, is that what you want? I'd trade you," She laughed, "Except I can't. I know where I belong is here, with my evil daughter who is somehow just as independent as you and I were. Like it or not, you have a chance, be that for both of us, but one thing is you never forgot who you were or where you came from, and that sets you apart from these pop girls now. Em, I'm not gonna sugarcoat, it hurt when you had me and Craig uproot our lives to visit you, sure, but we never doubted that you're going places, that being said, it's your life, your choice, but I think if your happiness is what you're seeking that business from what I understand kills a lot of it." Emma sighed, and Manny continued, "I have no idea what I'm gonna say to Craig."

She confessed to Manny, "God you have no idea how hard it's been, and not to sound like a poor little rich girl feeling sorry, I know I made a lot of mistakes in our friendships. I never forgot about the things that led up to whatever led up."

"I know, I missed you so much. For a long time, we were living for the people we used to be before I had Kat before I had given into temptations with Craig, when we were just kids, even if that was so long ago." Manny beamed, "I'm so glad I have you as my best friend, even if you're rarely home, and we'd probably never have a conversation this significant if you didn't come home. What if Craig asked me to marry him, and you weren't here? I'd have no one."

"You'd have Jay Hogart."

"Jeez, even if I did, I'd just be another notch. He's not the guy for me, maybe if I hadn't fallen in love with Craig, who knows? Now though? I can't leave him. We're so tethered."

"How do you know?"

"Sean says that Jay's been trying to change for a long time. I'm not saying to go with the dark horse, that isn't it. Didn't he cheer you up at the very least? Even if he usually is a jerk to Craig, it's because, he was I guess into you, but why bother? He was a jerk to me too."

"Yeah I know, he's always thought I was pretty, he told me, thinking it'd cheer me up. I just, want to work on my relationship with Craig. I feel like he and I need to sit down, maybe go on dates again, be a couple."

"I hated being distant. I guess a part of me was afraid you'd slam the door in my face when I said I was coming for Christmas after years of being here. I'm sorry about that, I am. I'm sorry I selfishly lived in sloth and denial." She shook her head and then turned attention to Manny, "It sounded so frivolous all the excuses I made not to come home, but once I'm here in town I feel at home again. None of the places I stayed felt truly home-like. I miss you, my mom, Snake, Joey, Craig, and especially Sean. I never even said goodbye to him. Heck, I know I missed out on seeing baby Kitty grow up into Kat, which takes me back to when I was, who I was. The things I did and said that I thought was right, but I was so naive. I wish I could have that time back that I lost with her."

"It's not too late, but if there's anything she told you, I wish I could be enlightened. I was super hard on her the other day."

Manny went into what they fought over. "I said something really stupid, now I don't think she'd forgive me for it. You and your mom went through it because she had you young. I don't know what came over me."

"Hey Ladies, I'm grillin' some chicken," Joey asked softly interrupting. "My first batch is on the kitchen table."

"Um sure." they both said in unison and joined Joey in the kitchen.

"Joey, can I ask you something?" Manny asked.

"What do you say to a rejected proposal you wanted in actuality and you felt selfish obliging for a myriad of reasons?"

He stopped in his tracks and turned around. "What?"

"Well, have I told you about Caitlin Ryan?" He asked and Manny sighed knowing more about Caitlin than she wanted to "I had to let go, maybe, that's not the same thing."

"We know all about Caitlin." Emma confirmed nodding, "People make mistakes."

"She assumed that Kat was a mistake, it's partly why she doesn't live here or is not a part of our lives anymore." Joey sighed, "I never saw that coming, trust me. Long story short, and a hard pill to swallow, she's an ex for a reason, but there were things I wondered like what if I was able to get her on board, what if I didn't do what I did years ago, I'd never meet Julia and have the time we spent. We all make choices. You, Manny I know you always wanted to marry Craig. You used to be so cute with you two watching movies when Kat was a teenager. My sacrifice paid off, more than paid off. A part of me will always think of Caitlin and if she feels the same, or feels like she ruined our relationship, but it just shows how different she and I were back then. She wanted us to be uncomplicated, but life doesn't wait it just happens. My advice is to just talk to Craig. I mean he feels so shitty, he and I talked the other night while you two were sleeping about how he fucked up."

Emma laughed listening but then finding herself laughing at once, "I never thought I'd ever hear you say the F word when giving advice, Joey."

"The point is, he feels like he fucked up, there it is again. Manny, you have to talk to him to make things right for you two. Communication is key, had I known that maybe other relationships of mine would work out. If I told a date like the one I'm going out tonight with my friend Diane. If anything, talk to each other, talk to Kat because I think that's the reason you two are on different pages."

"Is it a date?"

"I met her at work, she-she's young. She's a divorcee. She's way way out of my league. I don't think we'll go beyond the date."

"She'd be lucky to have you, Joey. We all are." Manny softly told him, "If she's not, then there's plenty of fish."

"I'm like 50, it's as good as it's gonna get. You guys are so young, there's options for you guys, but me? I'll probably be alone, no one ever could light a candle to Caitlin or even my ex-wife. It's like maybe they were my last chance at true love."

Little does Joey know Emma who is still in touch with his former flame had Caitlin in her contacts. She debated if she was overstepping, or sticking her nose where it doesn't belong but old habits die hard. She decided to text her in regards to Joey, something such as she came up in casual conversation. In reality, Joey is too ashamed that he lost her and has never really moved on fully from his ill-fated Relationship with Caitlin years ago and beyond. As far back as she could remember he was somewhat hung up over her. Everyone can see it, it's beyond obvious but nothing ever changes because of his fears about confronting her after all this time.

He is the opposite of resentful and Manny has carried the guilt for the two of them considering she was the reason. She turned to Emma knowing Full well what she was doing, "Emma a word?"

Emma innocently followed Manny, "what?"

"I didn't see what I thought I saw a coo coo banana. Matchmaker is my thing."

"I don't know I just was thinking if they were alone together, and besides I set my friends up with dates all the time. What's the big deal?"

"It's A long story and besides it's gonna dredge up old stuff they hadn't discussed since their big fight almost 20 years ago."

"What ?"

"You missed out on alot. I guess I also am the reason I overboard with a few things. I wasn't eavesdropping it was just loud. I can't believe what she said when she and Joey fought. She didn't think I'd be a part of the family, she didn't like Me."

"Caitlin? Caitlin doesn't like you?"

"Like I said, it's a long story. One I'd tell you with wine so let's go." Manny grabbed herself and Emma their winter coats and left the house together at once.

-x-x-x-

"She asks you should do what?!"

"You heard me. Oh and Emma she, she didn't ask me, she just told me what I knew that I ruined my life and to get an abortion while I can. She probably had one herself or thought it was what I needed to hear and I was so young and it hurt me. Even if Joey and Craig didn't take me over her, that's digging up a lot of bad and old memories. I almost thought I was being kicked out by her and friggin JOEY who is still hung up on her let her go because she wasn't the kind of person she wanted around, there was an ultimatum and she was gone."

By the time it all was discussed and said they had more than one drink. Shoney who is a strong pourer said "May I interest you in something on the house? Nice To see you again, Miss. Emma."

"Thanks, Shoney." Emma and Manny both thanked, and then Emma turned to Manny for confirmation.

"What'll it be? Another round?"

-x-x-x-

When Caitlin got the text from Emma it read:

Hey Caitlin, long time no see. I'm staying in TO for some time. I thought maybe we could catch up while I'm around. Joey said hi.

Caitlin was sitting having coffee in the morning as she did. She was looking over her paperwork at her mother's house in town. She had been staying with her, but she hadn't ventured around town mostly staying around the house. With Christmas all behind in the past, she somewhat feared running into Joey or relics of the past. Seeing Emma's text she answered.

Emma hi! I'm doing alright. As for Joey, I hope he's doing well, as well as Craig and Ang. How are you? I'm sort of surprised to see you're home, from our last conversation you claimed to have no desire to come back to your hometown. Are you having a nice time? I'd love to catch up. Maybe we can have drinks?