[DISCLAIMER]
ZARBON: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. (Starrow: Isn't that Zarbon?/ Hatsu: I think I read this while searching for the episodes, now starts the point where the disclaimer is said by the character that gets humiliated in some way during the episode./ Thinner: That sounds fun.) DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(cuts to a darkened sky with Vegeta somehow acquiring all seven DragonBalls and summoning Shenron)
"So much stuff is happening at once, how did we get here?" Lemus asked in confusion at the sight which really shouldn't be, "It's a dream don't worry." Dreamiv reassured the confused Celestial, "How do you know that?" Paint asked her husband, "People tend to have pipe dreaming when something bad happens to them." Dreamiv explained simply, "That checks out then." Lemus responded.
NARRATOR: Last time on DragonBall Z Abridged...
VEGETA: Finally! I've gathered all seven Dragon Balls!
SHENRON: State your wish.
VEGETA: Dragon! Grant me immortality!
"No, don't be happy about it. *Groans.*" Shakara facepalmed as she did that, "Life is good, but until a certain point, I should know." Pandora commented.
SHENRON: Your wish is granted. (eyes start glowing red)
VEGETA: Yes! I've done it! I'm finally the strongest in all the universe! (Takama: There's no correlation between the two./ Oracle: Theoretically immortality brings infinite energy so that would also mean infinite training time, so I wouldn't be so sure.) WAH HA HA HA HA HA!
(cuts to Vegeta lying on the ground, unconscious and with Zarbon beside him checking his pulse)
"That's much better." Nezumi nodded at the pathetic sight, "I'd feel pity for that normally, but then I think about the village he slaughtered." Shanti recounted.
VEGETA: (groggily) I am unstoppable...
ZARBON: Oh, how cute, he's having a little dream.
VEGETA: (groggily while twitching his left foot) Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!
"Write that down! That's a catchphrase!" Zettai exclaimed at random, "What kind of a catchphrase is that?" Jo'on asked.
ZARBON: Now let's get you back to Lord Frieza. I need to... probe you for information.
Everyone got a gag reflex at the inuendo.
(Zarbon starts flying while dragging Vegeta)
VEGETA: (groggily) My power is maximum...
[OPENING SEQUENCE]
(cuts to an outside view of Frieza's ship and then inside with Appule playing Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 3 while Vegeta is seen inside a healing tank)
"That was quite the skip." Hatsu commented with a raised brow.
APPULE: (while playing as himself and beating up Bardock) Take that, you bastard! This one's for Eachpe!
"Why is playing a game? About himself basically?" Virus questioned, "Can't beat up the real one so he chooses the fake one." Takama explained.
ZARBON: (entering the room) Report!
APPULE: (turns off video game) Ah... I just... I'm just checking... his vitals.
"Sure you are." Nightmare King said Coyly.
ZARBON: Is he going to make it?
APPULE: Well, it's a good thing you got him to me when you did. Even a little later and we might not have been able to save him.
ZARBON: Why isn't he naked?
APPULE: Luckily, we... what?
"Yeah, I blanked for a second there, what did he say?" Tauira asked with a frown, "He asked why Cegeta isn't naked." Shion replied with an equal frown.
ZARBON: In the healing tank, I always thought you needed to be nude.
"Why would that be needed?" Anomaly asked, "Not having clothes on would help for the healing... Stuff by giving it more surface contact, but yes, it wouldn't be obligatory." Oracle explained.
APPULE: Wha- Why would you think that?
ZARBON: You know, to... absorb all the healing juices.
"Said like that it's very bad..." Fardie commented.
(Appule gives Zarbon a blank stare and silence ensues)
ZARBON: Well, looks like you have everything under control here! (quickly takes his leave)
APPULE: Freaks me the f**k out...
"Me too." Jo'on and Zettai said.
(a whistling sound is heard along with the sound of someone tapping a microphone)
GHOST NAPPA: Is this thing on?(Virus: Was that a microphone?/ Hatsu: Yes, yes it was./ Virus: Good, second question, why does Nappa have a microphone?/ Liria: Same reason as Miriada I guess./ Miriada: How did you know?) (tapping sound of a microphone is heard again) Is it on? (Vegeta gurgles) Okay, there we go. A-Ha-Hem! You are now thinking about what Zarbon did to you while you were unconscious. Have fun with that.
Hatsu paused the thing for a moment since everyone silently agreed they needed a pause, there was total silence until a second in the pause Anomaly screamed in frustration with Shakara patting them on the backs.
VEGETA: (starts growling inside the healing tank)
APPULE: You know, Vegeta, I got to admit, it was pretty impressive how you went all manhunter on us. But now, you're all ours. And I can't wait to watch Zarbon break you like a glow sti...
(Vegeta awakens and the healing tank starts to light up with energy)
"And he's dead." Shakara stated firmly, "Didn't need you saying it." Pandora responded, "F*ck you too." Shakara replied.
APPULE: (in his thought while getting engulfed by the light) Here I come Eachpe!
(cuts to Frieza's throne room)
FRIEZA: (speaking to Captain Ginyu in the Space Skype) And I want you here in twenty-four hours, understood? And make sure to bring the up-to-date scouters.
"Who is he talking to?" Nezumi asked, "i'm not sure, but I think it's important if he's bringing scouters." Anomaly replied.
CAPTAIN GINYU: Understood, Lord Frieza.
ZARBON: Lord Frieza, I really need to use the Space Skype.
"Seriously? Skype too?" Shiva Samba lamented, "What's Skype?" Shion asked, "It's a thing humans in a prototype world created, can't say much else since I deemed it a failure." Shiva Samba explained, "Didn't even send us, just deleted it." Tauira elaborated, "It's rare honestly that something like that happens." Puria added.
FRIEZA: Zarbon, what could possibly be so important that you need to interrupt me during my call?
ZARBON: Well, I need to call my girlfriend.
"So I don't think I can go deaf, but i think I misheard, did he say-" Nightmare King was saying before Takama interrupted "Girlfriend, yes.", "I don't believe that for a second." Thinner shook his head in denial.
FRIEZA: Well, I... (glances over his shoulder in shock) Ginyu, I'll call you back. (Jo'on: Oh we know Ginyu! Bardock named the Ginyu Force or something./ Hatsu: Right, I almost forgot that.) (disconnects Space Skype and drops back down to floor level) Come again?
ZARBON: You see, our one-year anniversary is coming up, and I want to see where she wants to go, so we can make our reservations early.
FRIEZA: Oh... and all this time I could've sworn you were... never mind.
"It must be so awkward." Paint commented, "It is, It happened to me when I first met Ruby and Weiss, I was certain they were a thing." Shion admitted, "No, no, they are lesbians, just incredibly in denial." Avaritia confirmed, "Must be tough." Starrow commented.
ZARBON: What? You thought I was single?
"Not exactly." Dreamiv drowsily started "He thought you like di-" He was interrupted by Paint smacking him in the face, "I'M AWAKE! I'm awake!" He exclaimed in a daze as he focused back on the screen."
FRIEZA: Well, no, I just... I thought you were into... you know, it really doesn't matter.
"In all honesty, Frieza dug himself into a hole." Virus noted, "Let's see him get out of it." He continued.
ZARBON: Well it matters to me, because, frankly it sounds like you thought I was-
ORAN: Lord Frieza! Vegeta's broken out of the healing (gets blasted by Frieza) TAAAAANNNKK!
FRIEZA: Oh no, that minion died. Could you go fix that? We'll continue this conversation never.
"Flawless." Virus gave a thumbs up, causing those who noticed to laugh.
ZARBON: ...Did he say something about Vegeta?
FRIEZA: What?
(an explosion occurs off-screen)
"Answered his own question." Fardie smiled, "I can't believe I'm happy at someone's misery." Shanti commented, "First time for everything." Miriada replied.
ZARBON: Ahhh!
FRIEZA: Zarbon... Who did you leave guarding him?
(cut to the wrecked lab and what's left of Appule)
FRIEZA: APPULE?! YOU LEFT APPULE HERE?!
"Is he a known screw up or something?" Avaritia asked.
ZARBON: Well I thought he could handle it!
FRIEZA: APPULE COULDN'T HANDLE A SHOT OF RASPBERRY SCHNAPPS, MUCH LESS VEGETA!
"More like a light weight apparently." Starrow replied, "He got DRUNK, on RASPBERRY SCHNAPPS!?" Fardie exclaimed in surprise, "You know what that is?" Liria asked, "It's a fruit liquor, and it's alchohol content is so low the only thing lower is beer as far as I know." Fardie explained as she pinched her nosebridge.
FRIEZA: Oh, where's the damn phone, I need to make another call.
ZARBON: Yes, sir! I'll go look for Vegeta, he won't get far! (flies out of the ship and searches for Vegeta)
(cuts to Vegeta entering Frieza's room, which shows five unguarded Dragon Balls)
VEGETA: (thinking)Yes, that's right, search all over for me, Zarbon. (Oracle: That's actually pretty smart./ Lemus: It is smart, but it's Vegeta./ Oracle: Yeah... Let's see how he's going to mess up.) Of course you'd never think to check inside your own ship! You know what they say, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.(starts laughing)
RANDOM MINION: (off-screen) Lord Frieza, I found him!
"Pride before the fall." Takama commented.
VEGETA: Ah, f**k it. (fires a ki blast, blasting a hole through the ship)
RANDOM MINION: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
"That solves the first problem." Nightmare King said, "What's the second?" Liria asked, "Taking all the Dragon Balls before they arrive there." Nightmare King replied.
(cuts to outer space, with five space pods seen flying to Planet Namek)
"Gok- No that's five... The Ginyu force?" Shakara suggested, "Who else could it be?" Thinner asked, not getting a response.
FRIEZA: (through speaker) Ginyu, hurry up; double time! Zarbon really screwed the pooch on this one!
ZARBON: (through speaker) Lord Frieza, Vegeta's really giving us a pounding!
FRIEZA: (through speaker) I'm coming, Zarbon! Quick, grab my Balls! (turns off speaker)
"...That was quite the stretch for a gay joke." Jo'on said with narrowed eyes, "It wasn't even that good really." Starrow agreed.
(short pause before the Ginyu Force starts laughing hysterically)
"And they're laughing, of course they are." Starrow facepalmed, "I think the comedy is going to take a little of a dip when they arrive." Hatsu thought outloud.
(cuts to Vegeta blasting a hole through the window of Frieza's throne room and starts tossing all of the Dragon Balls out of the ship)
VEGETA: (to the tune of "I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts")
I've got a lovely bunch of Dragon Balls, do-do-do-do-do
Here they are, all sitting in a bunch, doo-doo-doo
One star, two star
All as big as my head!
Give them a toss
A planet across
That's how Vegeta wins, bye-bye! (flies out of Frieza's ship)
"The song was good, but with Vegeta singing it not so much." Shion critiqued.
(cuts to Frieza and Zarbon arriving at the throne room)
FRIEZA: Dammit all to hell, he's gone! And he took off with my Dragon Balls!
"That brings up a good question: If you stole something, and then kill the previous owner, would it count as yours?" Tauira asked, "It works like that with Kingdoms, not sure about individual objects..." Fardie replied, "I'm not sure myself actually." Shiva Samba admitted, "It doesn't, it's still stolen property." jo'on said with a straight face.
ZARBON: Lord Frieza, I've found a note! (holds out a note)
FRIEZA: Let me see that! (sees the note) It just says "Dear Frieza", and it's a picture of a butt.
"How long did it take for just that?" Anomaly asked in curiosity.
ZARBON: ...Can I see it, Lord Frieza?
"Okay! Enough with the gay jokes!" Starrow lamented.
FRIEZA-Starrow: Vegeta. Dragon Balls. NOW!
ZARBON: (flies out of Frieza's ship) Yes sir! (thinking) Dammit, he's up here somewhere! I just need to spot the bastard!
(cuts to Vegeta's head sticking out of a lake)
VEGETA: (in his thoughts) Later, bitches.
"Vegeta is seriously going out of his league!" Lemus exclaimed in surprise, "Where was all of this on Earth!?" Zettai exclaimed with a questioning motion.
(sinks into the water, making submarine noises while doing so)
(cuts to Goku inside his spaceship)
"Oh here he is!" Shakara smiled.
GOKU: Whew! It's taken me five whole days, but I'm finally up to a hundred times gravity! (Anomaly: HOW!?/ Shiva Samba: Sayians./ Anomaly: Oh I guess that makes sense.) It's a good thing that I brought along all these Senzu. (Paint: ...Where's the rest?) Aww, man, it looks like we only have four left. (Dreamiv: I think he used them for training./ Takama: That's the dumbest and smartest thing ever!/ Miriada: Both?/ Takama: Somehow! Yes!) Oh well, we won't need that many on Namek. (eats one Senzu Bean) Om nom nom! Mmm, tastes like healing!
KING KAI: (telepathically) Hello, Goku? Do you hear me? I swear to God, if this is George Takei again, I'm gonna shove a brick up the Verizon guy's ass.
Everyone turned to Shion and Jo'on for some exposition, but they shook their head along with shrugging their shoulders.
GOKU: King Kai?
KING KAI: (telepathically) Ah, there you are, Goku. (cuts to King Kai observing Goku's spaceship from his planet) I see you're on your way to Namek.
GOKU: I'm gonna beat someone up!
"What were we expecting exactly?" Avaritia asked, "This exact thing." Hatsu replied.
KING KAI: Of course you are. But listen! There is someone on Namek that you must absolutely stay away from. You hear me? He's even stronger than Vegeta, and he-
GOKU: I know!
"Yeah he knows... How does he know?" Nezumi narrowed her eyes in realization, "...Right, it's the reason he's going in the first place..." Zettai remembered.
KING KAI: What?
GOKU: I'm gonna beat him up!
KING KAI: Goku, no. This is nothing like Vegeta; it is much, much worse.
"You're not helping!" Nightmare king scolded.
GOKU: Uh-huh...
KING KAI: He is known throughout the galaxy as the most terrifying and evil person there is!
"I met Goku ONCE, and even I know that won't do anything!" Shakara lamented
GOKU: Really?
KING KAI: He's conquered hundreds of planets, and slaughtered billions of people!
GOKU: (excited) Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
KING KAI: STOP IT! Stop—getting—excited! Now promise me you will not fight him!
"He promised to stick to the plan during the tournament, and I think we all remember how it went!" Nezumi exclaimed, "Yep." Fardie agreed, "Absolutely threw it in the garbage." Puria added.
GOKU: (telepathically off-screen) Ooo, I can see Planet Namek! (neon buzzing sound is heard) Naw, wait, naw, it's fake.
"Wasn't that a dream?" Dreamiv asked, "Let's not question it alright?" Paint suggested.
KING KAI: Goku! Seriously! Promise me that under no circumstance will you go anywhere near Frieza!
GOKU: But King Kai, I...
KING KAI: PROMISE ME!
Fardie giggled at the exchange, "The thing is he will fight him no matter what." She explained.
GOKU: Aww, all right. I promise I will absolutely not... Click. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
KING KAI: What the...
Que laughter from everyone.
GOKU: (gasp for breath) Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... (continues telepathically off-screen)
KING KAI: He... He hung up on me! How the hell did he even do that?! (Puria: Is it actually a phone?/ Avaritia: I don't think it works like that.) Dammit, I'll call him back! (tries to contact Goku but no avail) Goku, I swear to God, I will ride your ass on this one!
GEORGE TAKEI: (telepathically) Oh my...
"Still don't know who that is." Jo'on commented.
KING KAI: DAMMIT, TAKEI!
(cuts to Vegeta emerging from underwater and gasping for breath)
VEGETA: All right. They should be here somewhere. Aha! They're here! (Shion: All of them? I wish I had that much luck.../ Avaritia: The offer is still up.) They're all here! Perfect. Now I have six, counting the one I have hidden near the village. All I have to do now is stay under the radar and not fly around like a jackass saying...
KRILLIN: (flying while holding a Dragon Ball) I've got a Dragon Ball! (Zettai:... There is your jackass...) (flies past Vegeta's location)
VEGETA: I was gonna say "Come and get me, Frieza," but that works too! (starts to pursue Krillin)
(cuts to Zarbon desperately looking for Vegeta)
ZARBON: This is useless! I'm never going to find him like this! I might as well hide under a rock. Maybe Lord Frieza won't find me if I just lay low and don't fly around like a jackass saying...
VEGETA: (flying after Krillin) Come to papa, you bald bastard!
"Maybe they're secretly brothers..." Dreamiv suggested, "Maybe..." Thinner considered.
ZARBON: I was going to say "Come and get me, Frieza," but that works too! (starts to pursue Vegeta)
(cuts to Bulma reading a magazine and humming the ending theme from Dragon Ball before Krillin lands in front of her)
BULMA: (stumbles and falls on her back) (quickly speaking) SON OF A BITCH!
KRILLIN: Huh. I thought you'd be back in the cave.
BULMA: Well, I would if I didn't keep finding puddles of-
"Still?" Anomaly raised an eyebrow, "That's so incredibly gross." Oracle frowned.
KRILLIN: Yeah, yeah, I know, in the cave, get over it. Besides, I brought us a Dragon Ball.
BULMA: Oh, wow. They're much bigger than the ones on Earth.
KRILLIN: Yeah, Gohan and I were pretty surprised too when... we... (notices Gohan is missing) Wait, where is Gohan?
"Wait, that's right, where is he?" Paint noticed.
BULMA: Oh, he took the Dragon Radar. We found a Dragon Ball that was all on its own.
"The one Vegeta hid?" Starrow asked, "Someone's going to die." Fardie smirked.
KRILLIN: Wait, what?
(cuts to Gohan flying in the air and holding a Dragon Ball)
GOHAN: I've got a Dragon Ball!
"Another Jackass!" Zettai's eyes widened, "Is that just the regular thig that's said while flying with a Dragon Ball?" Hatsu asked, "Probably yes." Tauira confirmed.
KRILLIN: You let Gohan go out on his own?
BULMA: Yeah... What's the big deal?
KRILLIN: Do you have any idea what Chi-Chi will do to me if he gets hurt? I like my penis where it is, thank you.
"That joke kind of died down after a while." Shakara commented, "Yeah, it lost it's effect." Dreamiv agreed.
BULMA: I still don't see how this is my problem.
KRILLIN: Uh... Oh, we'll just have to wait for him here, then. At least we have a Dragon Ball!
(Vegeta lands on the scene, finally catching up to Krillin)
VEGETA: Hi there. I'm taking your Dragon Ball.
"HAD. A Dragon Ball, you had a Dragon Ball." Puria corrected.
KRILLIN: (terrified) Uh... Care to trade for one of yours?
VEGETA: How 'bout NO.
KRILLIN: You drive a hard bargain...
"Worth a shot." Virus said, "Could have been a better shot though." Nezumi noted.
(Zarbon appears on the scene)
ZARBON: Who drives it hard now? Hmm. (flicks his long hair behind him)
"I still don't buy it he's straight." Paint shook her head in denial, "Me neither, he just doesn't feel straight." Takama agreed.
VEGETA: Oh, I thought I smelled body glitter...
ZARBON: (to Krillin) You, the short one over there. Give me the Dragon Ball.
KRILLIN: Um...
VEGETA: Not so fast, he's handing the ball over to me! (to Krillin) Right, baldy?
"Stuck between a wall and their fists. Must feel great." Jo'on compared.
KRILLIN: Uh... Bulma? A little help here?
BULMA: (referring to Zarbon) Oh, my God, he's so hot! I just wanna grab him and...
(cuts to Goku doing upside down curl ups in his spaceship)
GOKU: ...sixty-nine, seventy, seventy-...
(cuts to back to Vegeta on Namek)
"...I don't think a Fervor Beast Shujian is that thirsty..." Shakara said with wide eyes, "Maybe thirty times, but not seventy..." Lemus proportioned.
VEGETA: ...one time you've defeated me, Zarbon. And that's one time too many!
ZARBON: Nothing's changed, Vegeta. The last time we fought you were barely alive when I retrieved your body.
VEGETA: That... reminds me... Did you do anything to me while I was unconscious?
"Good question, tell me he didn't..." Shion begged.
ZARBON: Did... (narrows his eyes) Did I what?
VEGETA: Did you do anything to me while I was unconscious?
ZARBON: (in shock) What?! No! God, no!
VEGETA: Oh, thank God! (Nightmare King: Thank God is right!/ Shiva Samba: I also thank whatever God he's thanking!) I j... (eyes widen) Wait, what do you mean by that? Am I not good enough for you?!
"That's not where I though this was going." Pandora facepalmed.
ZARBON: All right, Vegeta, I'm going to be totally honest with you. This is sounding really gay.
"it does! I can't believe I'm agreeing with the epitome of gay that something sounds gay, but here I am!" Tauira exclaimed.
VEGETA: What, I... What are you...
ZARBON: Not that there's anything wrong with that.
"Yeah, but still, come on..." Tauira frowned.
VEGETA: (seen totally defeated and embarrassed) Just... Just transform, damn you.
BULMA: We're going to have a penthouse suite... (Zarbon starts to transform) ...and he'll drive a Corvette, and we'll make love every single-
(Zarbon fully transforms into his monster form)
BULMA: (in complete shock) KILL IT WITH FIRE!
The change on a dime made the more immature ones laugh and the more mature one chuckle.
MONSTROUS ZARBON: You've made a huge mistake, Vegeta! Now prepare to die!
(Zarbon starts charging at Vegeta, the latter responding by punching a hole in the former's stomach)
"The death thing right." Anomaly remembered with a smile, "At least it's over." Paint cheered silently.
MONSTROUS ZARBON: (groans in pain)
VEGETA: What was that? I couldn't hear you over that hole I made in your stomach!
"And there's the bravado again." Paint frowned, "i think I preferred they gay joke!" Starrow admitted.
MONSTROUS ZARBON: But... Vegeta, please... Just give me a chance... We could work together...
VEGETA: Yeah, yeah, I've heard that bit already. (Liria: Exactly the same as Dodoria, just without the husband and wife bit, now kill him.) Now let me put this in a way you'll understand: I'm about to blow my load all over your insides.
MONSTROUS ZARBON-Jo'on: What... the...
VEGETA: No homo.
(Vegeta blast a hole through Zarbon's stomach, sending the latter flying and falling into a watery grave)
VEGETA: (narrows his eyes) Freaky Alien Genotype...
"Oh my God it's back!" Oracle exclaimed while replying the scene, "And Krillin said it, surprising right?" Tauira said.
[ENDING SEQUENCE]
[STINGER]
(cuts to inside Guru's house)
DENDE: Guru, sir, I have a question.
GURU: Ask away.
DENDE: You've been around for so long. Just how old are you?
GURU: I am this many. (does not move)
DENDE: You didn't raise your hand.
GURU: That's how old I aaaaaaaam!
"Fair enough." Shiva Samba stated.
(shows of shot of Zarbon's monster form)
BULMA: KILL IT WITH FIRE!
"And we end up with an horrendous face, let's move this along." Jo'on requested, but Shakara stopped it for a moment, "Hold on a moment, I think I heard something about stealing from dead people earlier?" She brought up, to which Jo'on shrunk in her seat a bit, "Seriously, Jo'on you should know this." Shakara started and Jo'on started talking along with her "You do not steal from corpses." they said at the same time, and then Jo'on continued "I know, that, it's common knowledge dad.", that caused both her and Shakara to freeze up and everyone else to look at them, "Oh, uh... I-I didn't- I mean-." She was trying to excuse herself, but then noticed that Shakara was as still as a rock and tears streamed from her eyes.
Shiva Samba quickly checked her mind and smirked, "She's so happy she broke a little...", "Aww, that's precious." Nightmare King cooed while Jo'on was blushing in embarassment, "Let's wait a little before continuing then." Hatsu said as she got up and stretched.