All characters from Divergent belong to Veronica Roth as well as all characters from Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyer. I own nothing except my version of events.
Chapter 16 Losing Ground
It was officially doomsday.
Ok, so I was being a little bit dramatic. Sue me but I've had a very rough couple of days.
It wasn't easy to go through some unintended turbulence with my relationships while simultaneously dreading for this day to come.
A shame really since I've waited for this day since I cut my hand and let my blood trickle down to join the myriad of red painting the coals of the Dauntless bowl. I've been avoiding Eric, Tobias, and Tris like my life depended on it. Trust me when I say it hasn't been easy.
Right now, I was waiting along with my fellow initiates. All nervously hoping we'd pass and finally join Dauntless as full members. But unlike my friends and the rest of the initiates, I knew I would pass today.
I was nervous for a whole other host reasons…
I was going to rank number one.
I should be thrilled over the fact, right? How much more could I cement my mark here in Dauntless but to take first place? I knew everyone around me would kill for the spot… some having tried and failed miserably. If James were in my position he wouldn't have hesitated for a single second, and maybe if it weren't because I was practically being forced to do it then maybe I would be happy about it too.
I really shouldn't say that… Tobias wasn't forcing me to do anything. What I was going to do was all on me.
I chose to do it. It was my choice...
My choice.
I repeated that statement over and over again in my head for so long I lost track of time and the next thing I heard was my name being called. I blinked back to the present and realized more than half of the initiates had already taken their turn, including Tris. Not letting my mind doubt my decision for a second longer, I moved forward, following after Lauren and entering the enormous room where my final test would be administered. There was a single reclined chair in the middle of the large room. The sides filled with my trainers, Dauntless leadership, Max and… Jeanine?!
Fuck.
Again, not giving myself enough time to think about it or letting my eyes wander around the room to find Eric or Tobias, I moved efficiently, taking my place on the chair. Lauren explained what was going to happen, an obligatory spiel she was forced to repeat over and over again, but I didn't hear a single word. I already knew what was coming and what I was about to do. What more was there to know?
She finally turned to me, serum in hand, told me to be brave, and injected me.
Before I knew it I was back in the darkness…
"Bell." I fought against the darkness again. Timing myself as I weaved through the dark fog, punching against it and fighting against the darkness that invaded my senses. No matter how many times I'd been through this before, it never failed to pierce my heart with every cry I heard from my brother.
He was mine to protect. Always.
Reaching his bedroom I dived for him, this time grabbing onto his hand before he slipped away into the darkness again.
My vision blurred, my mind moving onto the other two people I loved more than anything on this earth.
I was still in darkness… I was in Dauntless after all.
I weaved through the halls by the chasm, running continuously as if in a loop, not going anywhere, and not making a single progression.
Until I heard their cries.
I could hear their panicked voices calling for me from up ahead and I finally stopped, lifting my eyes to look ahead of me and finding my parents just at the edge of the chasm. Their hands were joined together in between their bodies, their hands bound by a thick red rope attached to the bottom rung of the bridge. They were both holding onto each other for dear life, tilted precariously over the edge.
"They don't belong here." A deep voice sounded from somewhere behind them, it was strangely effeminate but there was no body attached to the voice.
"Why?" I stupidly asked, I always did. It was hard to reason the fact that my parents didn't belong by my side anymore.
"You know why." The voice said ominously.
Of course I knew why. We weren't in Abnegation anymore… I was in Dauntless, and my parents didn't belong here any longer. It was always a hard pill to swallow, even while growing up with the knowledge that one day I would leave them behind and I would be forced to choose faction before blood. Our society thrived on that one single promise.
Suddenly I felt a knife placed in my hand.
The terrified screams of my parents forced my eyes to look away from the knife in my hand, finding them now hanging by the red rope tied to the bridge.
"You know what to do." The voice now whispered next to my ear, as if the speaker were now standing behind me. I could feel the pressure of their invisible hands heavy on my shoulders, guiding me to where I needed to make my final decision. Where I would choose my faction over my family.
Usually I would take longer to make the decision, but I was running out of time and would soon surpass that of Tris' usual time. I could only hope she hadn't passed through her fears faster than she usually did.
Filled with determination, I marched forward. Ignoring the pleas of my parents as they begged me to pull them back to safety. Reaching the bridge I walked to where the rope was tied, kneeling in front of it and forcing my hand to move back and forth, cutting the thick band of rope with my knife.
Moving faster, the rope was now holding on by a single taught thread, and then I hesitated, but only for a split second before I refocused on my task and made the final cut. Cringing in pain and terror at the sound of their heartbreaking cries echoing further down as they fell to their deaths.
I gasped, sitting up on the chair and dropping my legs to the side. I gave myself a moment to catch my breath and to regain my composure with three strong pulls of oxygen before jumping off. I moved as efficiently as possible, my head held high as I walked to one side of the room to stand on the spot marked on the floor where we were supposed to stand and wait to be dismissed by our leader, Max.
"Two fears?" Janine asked with a slight arch of her brow as her head tilted up to look down on me, wanting for me to think I was below her but I held my ground, not giving her an inch.
"Yes, it's amazing isn't it?" Max said, his voice filled with unfiltered pride.
Her eyes scanned me from top to bottom. I couldn't help it, my eye twitched, wanting so desperately to punch her in that pretty little face of hers. She hummed in thought for a few more seconds before she waved her hand at me, signaling it was time for me to leave her presence.
Stubborn as I was, I didn't retreat. Instead I turned my eyes onto Max, waiting for his nod of dismissal before I made a move to walk away. If she thought she had power over me she was dead wrong. Only my faction leader had the right to dismiss me like that, and even then I would only follow his order if it felt right.
"Thank you, Bella. You can join the rest of the initiates downstairs and wait for the rankings." Max said, with a smile on his face.
I nodded at his dismissal and silently moved towards the exit, avoiding the rest of the audience like I'd had from the beginning.
I silently followed the stairs leading me down to the pit.
I was officially on Janine's radar, but she had no proof that I was Divergent. My sim's were perfectly crafted, not leaving a single room for error. She knew it, I knew it. Just because I only had two fears it didn't give her the power to proclaim me Divergent, especially with Max backing me up. He wanted me in his ranks and I knew he would put up a fight to keep me here as his instead of dead somewhere on the floor of Erudite.
Either way, it was too late to change things now. I had ultimately done what Tobias had eluded for me to do and it was for the best. He was right after all, I was stronger than Tris. I could brave anything, I was unbreakable, always pushing forward even when the odds were stacked up against me.
I could do this one more thing for Tobias to make him happy. It was nothing.
"Bella!" Alice screamed happily. "How did it go? Stupid question you probably did great. What did Janine say? She's a bitch right? I can't believe they didn't tell us she would be here for our final test. I don't even know why she was allowed to be here and watch our initiation. She's from Erudite for god's sake!" She plowed through without a breath, forcing a chuckle out of me as she usually did whenever she became a gaggle of questions, and answers to her own questions.
"Yeah. Don't know why she's fucking here." I ultimately agreed. What else could I say? She's here to sniff out Divergents? She probably suspects me now and will gladly kill me for it? Hell to the no. I would never worry Alice that way, especially when she had nothing to fear thanks to her average time and normal amount of fears.
"She's just here to make sure there are no problems with the serums." Felix explained.
I resisted the scoff from coming out of my mouth. Instead taking a seat on top of the broken stone wall besides Jared. He pulled me into him and I tilted my head onto his shoulder. After a couple of awkward interactions we were back to being just friends. I was extremely thankful, it was the greatest gift he could ever give me.
"You doing ok?" He asked in worry.
"Yeah…" I started, though we were back to being just friends, Jared and I still confided in one another. He could still read me easier than the rest, and so I decided then and there not to completely lie to him. "I might only have two fears but that doesn't mean they don't take a toll on my mind."
He looked down at me thoughtfully, much like he always did when I was more than my usual brand of quiet. It was like he could sense my troubled soul from a mile away. "You're right. I guess we're all just jealous of your lack of fears."
"You shouldn't be… It makes me less human." I admitted, thinking back to how Eric had been so open with me and I had just thrown it back in his face without a thought for him or his feelings. Jared pulled away to look at me in surprise. "It's true and you know it. I'm cold and detached most of the time… Sometimes I feel broken, like I exist in a world I don't belong in and no matter how hard I try I will always be out of the loop, just out of touch, never human enough..."
He was wearing the deepest frown I had ever seen on his face. I could see his thoughts swirling behind his eyes until he found the right words and tenderly cupped my face in between his hands. "Don't say that, Bella." He ordered me. "You care about the people you love and that shows your humanity. The fact that you care for them more than even yourself means more than you think... If anything that makes you even better than us. You have the courage and strength to withstand anything as long as your loved ones are safe and sound. Not many of us can say that."
I blinked back at him in surprise, not having expected such a deep analysis into my psyche. It made me feel slightly better, until I remembered that one of my weaknesses had forced me to break my own wishes and convinced me to take first place ahead of Tris… without even having to ask.
Fat load of good loving someone more than myself did for me.
"Thanks Jared." I said anyway, embracing him with a full on hug as we waited for the rest of the initiates to finish their tests. I kept to his side for the rest of the time, remaining in his comforting embrace while we waited for the rest of the initiates to go through their fear simulations. It would take most of the day.
Finally after what felt like forever we could see the screen that would announce our scores lighting up. The numbered graph appearing on the screen without names attached to the numbers.
Jared and I jumped off the ledge and joined the rest of our friends on the ground. Looking around me I could see all the initiates gathered around, and when I looked up to the leaders' balcony, where they made all of their announcements, I could see our leaders slowly filing in above us. Janine now gone. Thank god, that bitch didn't belong here. But I could also see Eric missing. I was starting to wonder where the hell he would go at a time like this when I felt his gaze on the side of my face.
I turned, catching sight of him walking towards me. The crowd parted to allow for him to enter without a hassle, that's how much power he held over our faction. It was admirable... and extremely hot as hell. I held my breath, waiting patiently until he reached me.
"Max wants to announce your position in Dauntless." He said, without any inflection in his voice. It wasn't cold in anger but it also wasn't warm with affection. It was… unsettling.
Without waiting for me to respond, he turned and walked away, rightfully assuming I would follow after him. My friends threw me excited smiles and congratulatory thumbs up, already privy to the promotion Max was honoring me with tonight. I waved to them in acknowledgement, before jogging behind Eric to catch up.
He waited for me at the bottom of the stairs to lead me up to where the rest of the leaders stood, belatedly realizing he had walked too fast. "I'm sorry." He said when I reached him, but when I looked up into his eyes, it was like he was apologizing for more than that one thing.
"You shouldn't be." I whispered.
"Bella, I-" He started, but then thought twice and cut himself off before continuing. He shook his head as if dismissing whatever he had wanted to say and then reached for me, placing his hand gently over my cheek and bending down to place a chaste kiss on my lips. "Congratulations." He whispered against my lips. He pulled away but before I could respond he smiled down at me, "Come on."
He jogged up the steps and I, of course, followed after him once again. He stopped me right before exiting out into the balcony and spoke again. "Wait here until Max calls for you."
I nodded and followed his order, watching from the sidelines as Max started his speech...
"Today is the day we have all been waiting for. The day to congratulate and celebrate those who have made it through initiation and who will now join us as one of our own. Without further ado, here are your scores." He announced with a flourish, the multiple screens around the pit changing and now displaying our names and final rankings.
Just as I'd expected, I had placed number one, almost a full minute ahead of Tris. Her name brightly glowed underneath my name, beside the number two. After that I didn't pay much attention, but I did catch Uriah at number three, Alice at number five and Felix at number eight. I was excited to see them in the top ten, they would for sure be offered better jobs from the bunch.
There were cheers and hollers booming in the open space, a cacophony of noise that reverberated against the stone walls. I could see the mass of bodies crowding around the initiates, members I'd never seen before picking up their new members and crowd surfing them all over the place. It was amazing to watch from up here.
Of course from up here I could also see the group of rejected initiates. Immediately shunned and shoved to the side by the mass of bodies that treated them as if they no longer existed. Technically they didn't anymore, they were now factionless. I silently watched them as they retreated, moving quickly away and disappearing through the exit of the pit. Probably eager to get out of here before our head leader Max had the chance to ask them to leave publicly. Good call.
The leaders in front of me started pounding their feet, wordlessly asking their members to settle down as they followed the stomping the leaders had started.
Once Max got their attention he spoke up again, "Welcome, new members of Dauntless! We are proud to call you a part of our own and welcome you with open arms, to join us as we maintain order and provide protection to our city. Tomorrow, you will all return to your training room to select your jobs and living arrangements. But today, we will celebrate together as one!" He cheered, everyone cheered with him, but it quickly died down again when Max motioned for them to lower their volume. "I have one more announcement to make before we get started. As I've just mentioned, tomorrow our new members will choose the job that suits them best, but there is one particular new member I would like to formally appoint their job position here in front of you all." He motioned for me to step out from the shadows and I did as I was told, keeping my composure and maintaining my head held high as I stood beside Max. "Bella, has shown great promise since the beginning of her entrance into Dauntless. She has shown the exemplary fearlessness we all strive to achieve, and as you can see, she has even ranked number one out of all of our initiates and in the history of Dauntless." I turned then to look up at him in surprise… Holy shit. He looked down at me with a proud smile on his face, throwing me a sly wink before continuing with his speech. "Because of this, Tori, Harrison, Eric, and I would like to welcome her among our ranks as our intermittent leader. From now on, I would like you all to not only welcome but to give Bella the same respect you show us all standing here before you." This time, he fully turned to face me, looking down at me and extending his hand to cement my position here in Dauntless. "Welcome to leadership, Bella."
I swear to you the crowd went wild at the end of his pronouncement. I almost flinched at the noise, but kept it steady as I shook his hand and then was moved to be congratulated by the rest of the leaders, including Eric… it was surreal to be honest.
It was all a whirl of excitement and a thousand more congratulations after that. I was lost in the sea of black, moved from one person to another as they welcomed me with open arms. It was all a blur really. I couldn't even remember how I had gotten down from the balcony in the first place. I pretended to be as excited as everyone I met but after a while it became tiresome and all I wanted to do was to roll up into a ball and hide for the next century.
I was supposed to be excited, had been excited when Max had first informed me of my new position here in Dauntless. Something I had never even dreamed possible… but all of that glory and pride I should've felt at how far I'd come, had been stripped away by the sadness overtaking me when I realized I couldn't celebrate it with the one person I wanted to the most. I hadn't even seen him in the crowd or anywhere else.
He was probably mad.
I had been avoiding him so I wouldn't deal with the hurt he'd caused when he'd so easily sacrificed me to Erudite. And so he didn't know that Max had offered me a position on the leadership floor.
I had to get away.
I suddenly felt stifled, surrounded by so many people all at once. It almost felt like if I didn't escape now I would soon lose the oxygen going to my brain and I would pass out here in the middle of a crowded room.
I weaved my way out of the masses, not bothering to let anyone know. I didn't want them to worry over me, not when they deserved to have fun and celebrate us finally becoming official members of Dauntless. I was heading to Alice's hidden spot but then thought better of it when I realized she or Jared could easily find me there if they went looking. So I headed for the training room, knowing it would be completely empty while everyone was at the party.
When I got there I released a sigh of relief, finding myself finally alone in what felt like ages. It was a comforting feeling. Back in Abnegation it was easy to sneak away to be alone. I enjoyed my alone time greatly, always using it to relax my chaotic mind and to get away from the stifling world I lived in. Dauntless was different though, it had made me feel free for the very first time, but after the choice I had made tonight it made me feel shackled. Shackled to a person I knew no longer had my best interest at heart. It was hard to come to grips with that new knowledge.
You should have seen it coming, Bella. The logical part of my brain argued, pushing the thought to the forefront of my mind. It was right, of course. It was bound to happen. Tobias and I may have been inseparable back in Abnegation but we were in a whole different place now. Not only that but two years had passed since we were together. I had expected for our relationship to change in some way, it was inevitable. But what I never expected was for something so fundamental about us, the thing that made us who we were, to change during that time too.
The worst part of it was that I still couldn't find the will in me to be mad at him. No matter how hard I tried.
Then again I shouldn't be mad.
Tobias had just evolved quicker than I had expected. A part of me was actually happy for him. He deserved to have that unconditional love he'd always dreamed of. He'd missed out on it from the people he had loved the most so early on and that hadn't been fair... I always knew there was only so much I could do in the end. It's why I always did everything I could to fill that void, even though I knew he still felt it anyway. But no matter how much my parents and I loved him and welcomed him into our family as one of us, we all knew there was no way we could ever take the place of his real family.
But with Tris, I knew he had found it. That potential to build his own family that would finally fill the void that had been created since he was eight. It was like it was written in the stars… and I would do everything in my power to make that happen for him.
No matter the cost.
No matter how much I would have to suffer to accomplish that for him.
"You didn't tell me."
The voice I dreaded to hear slipped quietly into the space I had temporarily claimed my own.
I couldn't find the will in me to look at him. I just wanted him to go away and leave me alone for the first time in my life. I loved him, but it still didn't lessen the pain I would feel at the sight of him. I knew what he was saying. Someone from the outside would assume he was confronting me about not telling him of my new job position, but that wasn't what he'd meant.
"Bella." He said again a little more loudly, hoping the pain in his voice would force me to look at him.
It worked like magic, much like it always did, as my head involuntarily swiveled to look at his face.
"Why?" He asked.
He knew why, but I decided to play along, to play my part as the strong, cold and indifferent person I always was. I shrugged my shoulders in pretend indifference. "Because I could."
"That's not the real reason." He pushed on. "I never wanted you to do that." He finally said.
I internally scoffed, he could pretend like he didn't but we both knew the truth. "Didn't you?" I asked in a dead voice.
He stayed quiet for so long I thought he wouldn't answer. He knew my words rang true, still he tried to fight it, not being able to admit it even to himself. "No." He whispered, "I never meant for you to take the bullet." He said, repeating my words from that night. It almost felt like ages ago since then, when it had only been a couple of days.
I took my time to analyze his demeanor. He couldn't make eye contact, his face filled with so much guilt, wearing the same expression I now realized he had started to carry with him since Tris entered our world. I realized how familiar it was now. Why hadn't I noticed that before? He was practically drowning in it.
But I could also see his faith in our relationship trying to crawl its way back up. Forcing its way to the surface to keep him stable, but he knew there was nothing he could say to convince me or him.
He knew he had failed me.
It had never happened before, or maybe it had but this was the first time in our lives when it had suddenly become so strikingly clear... too real for either one of us to ignore any longer. But he couldn't accept it nor even face himself over the decision he had made.
Funny how we were both suffering over the same situation but for two completely different reasons and yet feeling the pain of each other and our own, just like we always did.
"You didn't have to ask for me to do it anyway. You've never had to."
I saw the fire in his eyes light up at my words. He was really angry now, his hands tightening into fists and almost physically fighting with himself to find a way to explain it away. To make it somehow make sense, but it never would. Not in the way he wanted it to, because what he had done had broken a part of us that I wasn't quite sure we would ever get back. "We're not kids anymore, Bella. I don't expect you to sacrifice yourself for me anymore."
"I know that."
"Do you?" He asked, moving towards me but stopping just three feet away from me. "Because you did it again."
"Habits die hard." I pushed on, never admitting he had broken me for the first time in our lives. If he saw me break, he would break too. I wouldn't let him suffer any more than he already was.
He shook his head at me. He knew what I was doing, my defense mechanisms were on full display now. Taking everything like it didn't matter, like it didn't hurt me, like it would never break me. Though we both knew it was ripping me to shreds inside. "Don't do that, Bell." He said tightly, "Don't shut me out, not like you do everyone else."
"Why not? That's what makes me the strong one in the end, because I'm the one that always has to be the strong one, right? I've never been afraid... and I'm not afraid. I can take it. I always have and I always will. So what's the difference if I do it again to make you happy Tobias? It's worth it in the end. It will always be worth it."
"I didn't tell you to!" He screamed out desperately, as if trying to shift the blame onto me to relieve himself from the guilt. I may not want him to hurt because of me but I drew the line at not admitting his own fault. Even if I didn't want to hear it.
Something broke inside of me then, feeling my strength leaving my bones as if it had never existed. Displaying my wound for him to see and leaving me bare and open for him to witness my pain. "You didn't have to!" I yelled back, finally breaking my control. "We both know each other like the back of our hands, Tobias… You knew that as soon as you threw that idea out there, I would take it. And I know you well enough to know that you wanted me to!" I yelled my voice cracking at the pain, but I found the will in me to continue, finally just letting it all out in the open. "In that moment it never mattered to you that I would put myself in danger for her. That you ultimately chose her over me. That suddenly I was disposable to you after everything we've been through." My tears now ran freely down my cheeks, I didn't even bother to wipe them away, it was too late to even attempt to reel them back in. "And you know what the worst part of it is? That I'm not even mad at you for it." I admitted brokenly. "I understand why you did it... You've finally found the one person that makes you finally feel… whole again. No matter how hard I tried I knew I could never do that for you, that I would never be able to fill that void that was created that night so many years ago... And you deserve that, Tobias, you deserve it more than anyone... And I don't regret what I did today or what I've done for you always, because I would do anything in my power to make you happy. Even if it meant my own life. You're the one person in this world that I love the most and I don't regret, nor will I ever regret, everything I have done and will do for you. Ever."
I audibly heard the catch in his throat and his body moved almost automatically towards me, trying to grasp onto me as he watched me unravel before his eyes. But before he could reach me, I caught movement in my peripheral and my eyes instinctively shifted to the entrance of the training room.
Finding Eric.
My breath left my body as I froze in place, finding Eric standing there having heard way too much. Catching on Tobias followed my line of sight and then he too froze, having been captured by Eric's deadly gaze.
Time seemed to stand still, though I know it had only been a few seconds since our eyes first connected. But as always my self-preservation began to kick in and I desperately tried to catch my bearings when I realized he too had just witnessed the lowest I've ever been in my entire life. The vulnerable side of me that could cry real human tears.
Feeling like I suddenly wanted to crawl out of my skin, I turned away from him, using the opportunity to desperately wipe at my face. He was the last person I wanted to suddenly appear. Not only because he would question the scene before him but because he had finally witnessed me break. I couldn't think of which was worse through all the pain currently coursing through my body.
But the tears wouldn't stop and neither did the shake that overtook my body as I tried desperately to hold onto the little strength I had left. I closed my eyes when I couldn't handle it anymore and prayed to whatever was out there to swallow me whole, to make me disappear off the face of the earth.
I heard his boots stomping down on the ground, becoming increasingly louder as they got closer.
"Eric-" Tobias started to say but the next thing I heard was the impact of skin against skin.
I swiveled around in shock only to find Tobias on the ground holding onto his face in shock. I heard a gasp and then long blond hair dropping next to Tobias, now both emotionally and physically beaten. He didn't even seem aware of Tris' presence there as his eyes gravitated towards mine.
Watching him that way tore my heart in half and when Eric made a move to hit him again I unfroze, finding my voice to stop him before he hurt him again. "Don't!" Eric stopped mid swing, his body strung so tight I could see he was using his well perfected self-control to stop himself from acting on what he wanted to do the most. "Please don't." I squeezed out in a strangled sob.
Hearing me beg with so much pain in my voice, he straightened up, turning to me only to pull me into his arms without a word and lifting me completely off my feet. I instinctively wrapped my legs around his waist and dug my face into his neck to muffle my now uncontrollable sobs. "Shhhh, I'm here." He said softly "I'll always be here." He promised, his hands holding me tight as I felt him move, his pace quickening as he carried me away.
My mind blanked for the duration of our travel, not bothering to keep my emotions in check now that I felt like I had finally lost the battle. Not just one battle but multiple ones all at once. I lost the battle against my strength, my self-composure, my self-built armor and shield, my own protection against the world. I lost the battle against Tobias, one that I hadn't even known existed to begin with. And I had also lost the battle to save face in front of the one person I had always dreaded would see me weak, Eric. I had never wanted him to see that side of me, to have witnessed my pain firsthand.
I knew this would only cause more problems. Now I would have to answer his questions while also having to go through my own pain. I knew he'd be confused over what just happened and he deserved to get those answers... but instead of questioning me like I thought he would he simply held onto me tightly, soothing me as best he could to take my pain away.
Even after he consoled me during the almost breakdown I had after my first simulation, I was still surprised at his tender touch. The way his body curled over me protectively... and I realized no one had ever done that for me before. No one had ever been the strong one for me, and now suddenly Eric had taken that role so effortlessly and without question.
I felt his hands release their tight hold on me one by one, but only to remove my shoes. He never let go. Though honestly I doubt he could with the death grip I had on his neck and waist. Again he didn't complain, still holding onto me tightly even as I felt something soft underneath me.
"Eric." I whimpered.
"Still here, Baby, I promised." He said tenderly.
I slowly relaxed, hearing his soft voice soothing me until I was better, but it would never get better. Not when I could have potentially lost the one person I had imbedded into my heart and soul since I was born. Since before I was consciously aware of that other person that would be with me always... Or at least who I thought would be. It was too painful to think about now and my mind began to shut down. I welcomed it more than anything, allowing the darkness to pull me in and escape this hell I had suddenly found myself in.