All characters from Divergent belong to Veronica Roth as well as all characters from Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyer. I own nothing except my version of events.
Chapter 17 My Haven
I groaned in pain, hearing an endless ringing in my head that wouldn't allow for any coherent thoughts to enter my mind. I hated this feeling, like my brain was about to explode and seep out through my ears. But I pushed away from the fog in my mind to take control of myself again and when I finally did I realized why I had suddenly woken up in the first place.
I could hear raised voices coming from the living room, instantly recognizing both voices. I forced myself to shake the pain away and to focus on the present as I rolled out of bed and made my way to the bedroom door to open it.
"You're fucking lucky she begged me not to hit you again or else you wouldn't be standing here right now." Eric said with surprisingly controlled anger.
"You don't understand, Eric. I need to talk to her. Please. I can't..." Tobias paused, struggling to find the right words to express himself. "You don't..." He started again, but he didn't even know what to say. He sounded so broken. It pulled at my heartstrings.
"I don't need to fucking understand anything. You fucking hurt her like that again and she won't be able to stop me from beating you to a pulp next time."
Though he'd just threatened my brother with bodily injury, I found it quite… sweet that Eric was protecting me like this. I lightly startled at the notion. I never thought I would ever use the word sweet to describe Eric, ever, but here I was doing just that.
I could hear Tobias responding to him but I had been so lost in my own thoughts that I hadn't heard what he'd said. To be honest, I didn't really want to know. There was nothing he could say to make me feel better or to make me forget what happened. I was still too hurt and too deeply wounded to make sense of anything right now. I wasn't ready to face him yet, but I also knew Tobias wouldn't stop unless he saw me with his own eyes. I didn't want to see him… or talk to him, but if I wanted time for myself to think things over and to gain some clarity, I would have to ask him myself. It would be the only way.
"Let him in, Eric." I spoke out, loud enough for both to hear me.
He froze for a moment, but eventually turned back to look at me in stunned silence. I wasn't quite sure if it was because he was surprised that I was awake or because I was willing to talk to the one person who had made me feel this way to begin with. But he still didn't move away from the door until I begged him with my eyes. He released a defeated breath and begrudgingly moved the door with him, allowing Tobias to not only look into the apartment but to gain access to me too.
My eyes automatically connected to Tobias' and he looked completely wrecked, as if he hadn't slept the whole night. A part of me was glad that he was hurting too, because it only meant that he loved me too. But along with it came the overwhelming feeling of selfishness, making me feel guilty for taking pleasure in his pain.
"Bella." He whispered, taking slow and careful steps toward me as if fearing I would run.
I didn't. I stayed where I was, allowing him to see the pain he had created. It was too late to pretend to be strong now, to pretend like he hadn't hurt me. It would be an unbelievable lie if I did.
He finally reached me and hesitated before touching me after I had remained unresponsive at his approach, but ultimately he pulled me into his arms. Holding me tightly to him and shaking in fear when I didn't reciprocate the gesture. "I'm sorry." He whispered into my ear. "I'm so sorry. I know there's nothing I can do or say to change what happened but... I want to find a way to make it all better. I'm just so lost and I don't know how… I just... need you." He said shakily, his voice cracking throughout.
On instinct my hands reached out for him. Holding onto his t-shirt so tightly in my grasp I was sure I had made tears on the fabric. I know I was being stupid, I should let Tobias suffer the consequences of his own actions. He's the one who had done this to me. And yet it hurt just as equally to watch him in pain too.
A part of me wanted to forgive him while the other part of me wanted to punish him.
What was the right thing to do here?
And then it hit me like a thunderbolt.
Why should I worry about what he felt? This wasn't about him anymore, this was about me and my pain. I should be worried about what I felt and what I needed right now. I couldn't handle his pain while I was dealing with my own. It was ok to be selfish just this one time when it was what I needed the most.
I pulled away from him slowly, I could feel his arms fighting to keep me in place but ultimately he let me pull away to hear what I had to say.
"I can't do this right now Tobias." I admitted, not letting the look of heartbreak on his face sway my decision. "It might be selfish of me to do but I can't force a conversation I know I'm not ready for...I just… I need time."
A tear fell from his eyes as he watched me pull away from him completely, taking a step back and creating a distance between us I had never once tried to create before. His Adam's apple bobbed painfully against the sob that wanted to be set free, but he managed to get himself under control before he responded. "Ok." He said softly. "I'll wait for however long you need me to." I knew it hurt him to leave things like this but my mind just wasn't ready to allow him in again. He took another step back to give me more space before he spoke again. "I love you, Bella." He squeezed out. "Together. Always."
I nodded but didn't say more, biting the inside of my lip to prevent my sob from forcing its way out of my throat.
He nodded too, walking backwards as if losing sight of me would cement the end of our bond. I silently shook my head. Something might have been broken between us but that didn't mean we would lose each other because of it. Wordlessly reassured this wasn't the end, he turned and briskly made his exit out the front door, closing it behind him and leaving like his appearance had all been an illusion.
I stared at the door in his wake, fighting my body to not chase after him and give in like I always did when it came to him. Going against my instinct to put his pain ahead of my own, again, like I always did.
My eyes didn't shift their focus away from the door until suddenly my sight was being blocked by a massive body. I blinked back and refocused on Eric, watching his hand slowly lift up to my cheek. He caressed it tenderly, so tenderly I wanted to cry at the gentleness. But instead of doing that, I just closed my eyes and tilted my head into his touch, allowing him to soothe me and help me push the pain away.
I don't know how I would've survived this without him. How I would've dealt with my brother's betrayal without his unfailing support. Surely I would've fallen to pieces if it weren't for him. I owed Eric so much now, and because of that, I knew I needed to give him the answers to the questions I'm sure were currently swirling around in his head. I couldn't blame him for it. If I were in his position I would want to know what the hell was going on too. It was only fair that I gave him all the answers he wanted from me. He deserved that and so much more.
"I know you have questions Eric." I whispered out, keeping my eyes closed and not wanting to face him, but I knew I had to do this. I would find it extremely hard to talk about but Eric deserved to know the truth.
He surprised me when he gently cupped my face with both hands, pressing his forehead against my own. In that moment, I knew what he would say next.
"I can wait." He whispered back.
Without opening my eyes, my hands instinctively grasped onto his wrists and I let the tears I'd been holding since hearing Tobias' voice this morning run down my face. Eric deserved so much more than to wait for me to give him the answers he deserved. I suddenly felt so selfish, I couldn't talk to Tobias about our problems and now I couldn't talk to Eric either. What was wrong with me?
I heard Eric suck in a breath and then he suddenly picked me up again, cradling me in his arms just as protectively as he had the night before. I held onto him tightly, wracked with sobs that made my body quiver in his arms. I had been pushing against him for so long. Fighting the feelings he'd conjured within me because I was deeply afraid of them. But when I needed someone to be there the most, it had been Eric who had been there to save me and protect me from a pain I had never prepared myself for.
"I'm sorry." I sobbed out into his neck. "I'm so sorry, Eric." I said brokenly.
He had placed me protectively on his lap as he'd sat on his couch but at my words he tensed, pulling me away from his neck and cupping my face to force me to look into his eyes. "There's nothing for you to be sorry for, Bella." He reassured me.
But I shook my head, knowing there was an endless amount of mistakes I had made since I met him. "Yes there is." I cried, my hands shaking as I grasped onto his wrists again. "I've treated you badly from the start. You practically begged me over and over again to let you in, but I was selfish. I wanted to be in control, and the only way to do that was to keep you at arm's length, to use you in the only way that I wanted. I never once tried to give you a chance. And yet here you are... watching me break and trying to put me back together. I don't deserve it." I admitted, finally releasing my thoughts with my tears streaming down my face. Crying so many tears I was surprised I hadn't drowned us both in them already. But all he did was shake his head, a tender and compassionate expression appearing on his face.
"Baby..." He cooed softly, "you don't need to be sorry for anything. I know I was at fault for how we started our relationship. From the beginning, all I've shown you was that I wanted your body. I was stupid. I thought it would be easy to win you over once I got you in my bed, but after last night, I now understand why you were so protective over your heart. Because when you love someone, Bella, you love them with every cell of your being. I never proved that you could trust me enough to do that with me, and it was my own fault. So please don't apologize to me, Bella, because I'm the one that doesn't deserve it."
Jesus, how did I not see what a good heart he had, this whole time I had painted him a villain but he was anything but. He had been the complete opposite to me, always putting me first before his own wants and needs and still taking the blame for my rejection. "Eric-" I started but he cut me off.
"Shhhh" he cajoled, kissing away my tears delicately. Forcing me to look at him and see the sincerity in his expression, his acceptance of me and all that I was. "It doesn't matter anymore. None of it matters." He stated. Before he dipped his head and captured my lips with his own. Using his touch to communicate what he felt for me instead of using words.
I opened up for him, both with my body and my heart. Finally letting him in like he had asked of me from the start.
He picked me up off the couch without missing a beat and carried me into his bedroom. He placed me delicately onto his bed, but that wasn't enough for me. I pulled him down with me and then flipped us over. I straddled his lap again and cupped his face in my hands this time. "I want to try." I admitted. "I can't promise you it'll be easy. I'm not easy… I know I'll frustrate you sometimes and I apologize ahead of time, but I want you to know that I'll always be trying, because… I want this with you, Eric." My words may not have been romantic, and I may not be able to declare my feelings for him yet, but this would be the closest thing to commitment as I could get for now. I would try my hardest to make it work, to open up to him and reciprocate his feelings like he deserved. It might take me some time to get there but I knew there would never be anyone else that I would want to do those things with.
His hands tightened on my waist and he closed his eyes, a small little smile appearing on his face. "That's all I want, Bella. Just a chance to be with you."
I smiled back and pulled him in for a kiss. It was scorching in its intensity, somehow meaning so much more than any of our other kisses had before. Maybe because of our words to each other? Or maybe because we were both finally being completely open and vulnerable… Whatever it was, it was absolutely amazing.
My hands slowly traveled down his chest, I could feel his heart thumping wildly against his chest. I continued to go lower until I reached the hem of his t-shirt and lifted it off of his body. He complied easily, lifting his arms up and letting it slide off. I smiled again, biting my lip and receiving a smile right back. I wanted to go slow this time around. Our encounters before had always been about me, but today I wanted to change that. I wanted to show him that I too could care for him in my own way, that I had the ability to give him as much as he gave me.
I gently pecked him on his lips but I didn't stop there, I began a soft trail of open mouth kisses down his cheek, forming a trail along his jaw and then continued lower gliding my lips down his neck and pecking him on the crook of his neck.
"Bella," He started to whisper. I had a feeling he wanted to say more but I shushed him, placing my thumb gently over his lips to stop him from speaking more without removing my lips from his skin.
My lips took a trail along his broad shoulders, I loved his shoulders. They were all hard muscle, showing his impressive strength. Even now they were flexing as my lips moved over them. Once done with his shoulders I moved down to his wide chest, kissing my way along and lightly sucking his nipple into my mouth. I could hear Eric suck in a harsh breath, feeling one of his hands gently sliding into my hair. I continued to move, going down and over the large expanse of his hardened abs. He was absolutely delicious. I'd seen the bare chests of many men in my time here in Dauntless, it was common for men to walk around with no shirt on or to take them off to fight at the pit or when they were drinking, but I had never found any man whose body could compare to Eric's. It was like he was made by the gods, chiseled to perfection, only for me to enjoy. His abs contracted at my touch, and they practically jerked at the feel of my tongue gliding along his flesh. I moved my hands lower, reaching for his belt to remove it while I kept my mouth on his skin. He tensed and cursed when he realized exactly where I planned to go. I had to stop myself from moving too fast, but I had this sudden desperate need to have him filling my mouth. I needed it more than I needed air.
Lowering his zipper I tugged on his pants, Eric tilted his hips up and allowed me to remove them from him completely, along with his boxer briefs. I knelt on the floor and took a moment to just take him all in. He was gloriously naked. I chastised myself for not having enjoyed his body more thoroughly in the past and I silently promised to make up for it. I bent forward and trailed my lips along his hardened thighs, I watched them flex in pleasure as my lips moved higher. I felt him move and I shifted my eyes higher, seeing him now leaning up on his elbows to watch me.
I smiled and closed my mouth, only to remoisten my tongue to glide it along his shaft, starting from the base all the way to the tip. He already had precum leaking out of the tip and without hesitation I closed my lips around the head and sucked softly.
"Shit!" I heard him curse.
I internally smiled, letting the tip of my tongue prod gently at his opening before I engulfed him in one go. He moaned deep in his throat. His cock was too big to fully fit in my mouth so I slid my right hand over his thigh and gripped the base of his cock while I slid my mouth back to the tip. His breath was coming in hard pants now while I continued with my movements, forming a rhythm so that I could continue to hear him moan at my touch. I sucked on his tip again and slid his cock into my mouth roughly, releasing a moan in my throat that had him twitching in my grasp.
"Fuck. You need to stop, Bella." He moaned out, warning me of his impending release.
But I didn't want to. I'd been dying to taste him since the beginning and I wasn't about to let him stop me now. I dug my nails into his left thigh to let him know I wouldn't comply, continuing to move my mouth along his length. He was close. I could feel his cock getting impossibly harder against my tongue and mouth, forcing me to adjust to him completely. I happily molded around him and slid my free hand down to his sack, cupping them in my hands and massaging them just enough to get a reaction. It was almost instantaneous after that, like I'd pressed the button to his happy place. He released a rough groan, his hands cupping the back of my head to move me at his will, forcing his cock twice into my mouth before he released with a loud groan. I could feel his cum sliding easily down my throat, but I pulled out slightly, just enough for it to hit my tongue so I could get a taste.
He was absolutely delicious.
I had never tasted any man before, nor ever wanted to, until Eric. I always knew it would be different with him, and I refused to allow myself those liberties. Part of the reason why was because I knew that once I did, I would become irrevocably addicted. My suspicions had been right as I savored the taste of him, until he pulled me off of him to place me back on his lap before he shoved his tongue into my mouth, moaning at the taste of himself on my tongue. His hands cupped my face to keep me there, kissing me so fiercely my hips instinctively ground into him.
He moved like lightning then, flipping us over and laying me down on his bed this time. He released my lips, standing at the end of the bed in all of his glorious nakedness. He lifted my leg up, removing my sock delicately before placing a gentle kiss at the bottom of my foot and setting it back down on the mattress. He lifted my other foot and did the same. I had a flashback of the first time we'd had sex. I realized that even then he was trying to show his feelings for me in his own way. How was that even possible? How could he have felt that way about me then?
A tear slipped out of my eye and he climbed over me, kissing the tear away so lovingly that I couldn't help but to release another one.
"Don't." He spoke out, telling me with one word that there was no point in dwelling in the past. Not when we were finally where we should have been from the start.
I blinked away the wave of tears threatening to come out, trying not to ruin the moment. Seeing me quietly getting my emotions in check he held out his hand for me to take. I took it without question and he pulled me up into a sitting position, lifting the hem of my shirt up and over my head. He dipped down to place a gentle kiss on my lips before he removed my bra too. He gently prodded me to lie back down and I complied, feeling his hands delicately gliding over my body like I was made of fine glass. It was loving and caring and so many more things that my brain couldn't even begin to comprehend. He stopped when he reached my jeans and unbuttoned them, lowering my zipper to gently pull them off along with my underwear.
He stood there silently watching me and I smiled, lifting my hand towards him, a silent command for him to join me. He complied easily, grasping onto my hand and intertwining our fingers before he pressed them against his lips. He placed them above my head as he leaned over me and then captured my lips in a soft kiss. I cupped his face with my free hand, wanting to keep him there for as long as possible, but Eric had other ideas. He released my lips but didn't remove them from my skin, instead, his lips and tongue made their way down to my breasts. He captured my nipple with his mouth and I instinctively arched my back at the sensation. His right hand slid down my left side, gliding along the contours of my body until he slid his hand in between my legs. They parted instinctively, giving him all the space he needed to glide his knuckles along my slit. He moaned against my nipple when he felt me soaking wet. I moaned too as his knuckles rubbed against my clit and my body easily followed his movements, my hips moving at the rhythm he had started on my tight bundle of nerves. Without a conscious thought, he began to grind against my hip. He was hard already. And when his hand slid lower to slide his fingers inside of me I stopped him.
"Stop." I said. He paused, releasing my breast to look up at me with a slight look of fear in his eyes, but I continued to speak, wanting to erase that look on his face. "I just want to feel you." I declared.
His eyes filled with an untold emotion at my words. It was beautiful and heart-wrenching, making my heart give a painful little squeeze. I could see in his eyes this was the moment he had been waiting for, for the opportunity to give me everything he had been saving inside of himself to give to me until I willingly opened up to him.
"I love you, Bella." He declared. "Can we start over again?" He asked, which sounded more like a plea than anything else.
His declaration of love shocked me for a moment, I knew he cared for me but I didn't know exactly to what extent. My instinct was to run and escape this sudden wave of emotions coursing through my body, but his question had kept me in place. The old Eric would have claimed me without asking, but I could see he was trying to change the image I had of him in my mind. Somehow trying to erase all that he had forced me to believe and rectifying his past mistakes by giving me a way out now. By giving me the choice to willingly accept him this time.
If I pushed him away and said no, I was sure he would let me go. He wouldn't want to, and it would break his heart to do so, but he also loved me enough to accept my decision.
Love.
What a crazy notion that was… a word and a feeling I never thought would ever romantically apply to me, at least not this early in life. But as I watched him, analyzing his every breath, every movement, and every spoken word. I knew there would never be anyone like him. No one that could love me the way he did or set me aflame like he did. I craved that endless passion he so openly offered more than I've ever craved anything in my life. Nothing and no one could ever make me change my mind. Not now. Not ever.
"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea." I said, stupidly.
He shook his head with an indulgent smile towards me, but finally chuckled in the end, finding my inability to say the right things at a moment like this absolutely humorous… again simply accepting me for who I was.
I smiled in response, only Eric would be able to understand me and not only accept me but love me for it too. I think he might be insane…
With a happy smile he bent down and pressed his lips against mine. I gladly reciprocated and when I felt his thighs nudging my legs open, I lifted them up, wrapping them around his waist instead. I could feel his tip pressing ever so gently against my entrance but Eric waited for me to make eye contact again before he carefully slipped inside of me. We gasped together, my eyes closing at the feeling of having him filling me up again. It felt like eons ago since we'd last been together like this. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed it... how much I'd missed him. It finally felt like this was the place I was meant to be. United with Eric like this always.
When I opened my eyes I realized Eric had been waiting for me all along. He caught me in his gaze again before he spoke. "I love you, Bella." He professed again, verbally declaring what he had been showing me all along. "My heart, body and soul belong to you. Forever." His free hand sought out mine and he held onto it, intertwining our fingers together and placing our hands above my head to join the other pair.
Without allowing me to speak he captured my lips again, pulling out almost all the way before pushing in slowly and methodically, as if he wanted to savor this moment like he'd been waiting for it all his life. He leaned forward, enveloping me in his warm body and gentle kisses. I savored it all. Feeling like this was the first time we were not just having sex but making love, joining our bodies together to make it real. I knew how rare this moment was. This was a side of Eric I'd never seen before. I'd seen glimpses of it, sure, but he'd never fully exposed himself to me like this. Finally showing me just how much this all meant to him.
It was beautiful.
I moaned into his mouth as he gave me everything I hadn't known I'd wanted, but it had been him all along. I suddenly felt desperate to have him, to make our bodies somehow show exactly how we felt about each other. "Eric." I begged, my nails digging into the back of his hands and my body shaking with the need for him to claim me completely as his.
Knowing exactly what I needed he quickened his pace until he pierced me with every thrust, as if he wanted to absolutely destroy me. Little did he know he'd done that long ago. He'd destroyed any chance I'd ever have at being with someone else. He'd destroyed me for all of eternity and I knew right there and then that I was his. A part of me was terrified, my happiness would now depend on him and I still needed to learn to trust him. We were practically starting over from zero. There was so much riding on this now, but as he leaned away from me, looking down at me as if I were his entire world. None of it mattered. I would burn the world alongside him, just as long as he was next to me in the end.
"Come with me, Bella." He begged. "Promise me you will always be with me."
I squeezed my eyes shut and threw my head back, feeling his words shooting straight to my core. Bursting me from within and making me come hard. He moaned and groaned above me as he continued his thrusts. He waited for me to open my eyes again, capturing them in his before he released. Forcing me to watch as he came for me.
It was absolutely glorious. I was sure whenever I closed my eyes again I would see that face in my mind's eye forever. My last dying breath would be of his face… and I wouldn't want it any other way.