There's Something About Bowsette
A/N: Thanks for reading! And major thanks to all who have Followed and Fave'd! I'll try to reply to any reviews. :D Faves, follows, flames, and general reviews are much appreciated.
PrincessLuigi: Junior's not gonna be in this chapter much. But he'll be back!
S: We're just getting started. You have no idea. :) MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Chapter Two
A Woman I'll Never Be
"WAAAHHH!" Wario cried as Peach's golf club clipped him right in the ballsack.
She grabbed him, and Toad came out for the pummel and forward-throw. She followed up with a float-cancelled forward-air (crown slap) that knocked Wario silly.
Not one to be smacked about for no reason, Wario spawned his bike and attempted to drive over Peach, but the Princess air-dodged into the ground, and the wheel narrowly missed her head.
She stood, turned around, and scuffed the dirt from her dress, then pulled a turnip, preparing for Wario's approach.
The stinky man waddled over, attempted to fake her out, and then baited her advancing turnip throw. He ate the giant vegetable, but swallowing it took so long that she was able to close the distance and smack him upside the face again before he could react.
Wario went even further offstage than he had on the other side.
Peach ran off the ledge, dropped down, and swung her arms around (neutral-air). She caught Wario, but clashed with his recovery and slammed into the bottom of the Final Destination platform.
Thankfully, Peach got the tech. She rebounded, then recovered with her parasol.
Wishing that through sheer will, against the established rules of Smash Bros. physics, she could summon the fiery aura that she used to such great effect in Super Princess Peach, Peach advanced upon Wario once more.
But this time, Wario was ready. He had underestimated her before. He drew out his bike and drove over to her, then leapt from it as she did. Falling beneath her, he clapped (up-air) and snipped her right in the legs. Now the pressure was on.
"Come on, my pretty, let's make this interesting!"
Stuck in Float, Peach had to dodge Wario's relentless attacks as she attempted to find a safe way to land, all the while hoping that the creepy old pervert couldn't somehow see past the dark vortex up her skirt, even though he appeared to be trying to do just that with all his might.
Finally, after he she float-canceled another fast-fall, she whipped out Toad in mid-air (neutral-B) just as Wario attempted to connect with a smash attack. The spores blew up right in Wario's face and he went flying off the stage. Peach had time to withdraw a turnip, throw it downwards, prompting an air-dodge, and snipe Wario right out of the sky.
Or at least, that was the idea.
Instead of air-dodging, Wario activated his fart directly on top of the Princess' face.
Peach went flying into the stage, and this time mis-timed her tech, slammed skull-first into the platform, and bounced to her doom at the bottom of the blast zone.
"GAME!" the announcer's voice rang out.
When Peach respawned, she was no longer smelly or disheveled, but she certainly felt ashamed.
Wario was belly-laughing and rolling on the floor. Peach merely walked past him and to the awaiting platform.
"You'll get him next time," Daisy reassured her. Peach gave her an almost imperceptible nod.
Mr. Miyamoto's Mii was waiting by the Warp Pipe.
"Peach, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry we didn't tell you," he said. "It was a corporate decision."
She gave him a slight smile as she bowed to her father. "I know. You don't have anything to apologize for. See you next time, dad."
As he waved goodbye, Mr. Miyamoto admired her strength, if not her inability to lie.
The Smashgrounds Dining Hall was a noisy mess, as always, and as renovations were behind schedule, the new additions to the roster weren't helping much with elbow room. Captain Falcon was showing his moves off to Mach Rider, who was part of the catering staff. She was in the running to be in the roster and just happy to be able to hang out with everyone. Zero Suit Samus and Snake were laughing about the Brawl days. Lucario and Mewtwo were psychically helping King Dedede and Kirby, who were in the middle of an eating contest, shove food into their endless traps, much to the dismay of Cooking Mama and her R.O.B. waiters.
Seeing as how Mario was continuing to rant on and on about Peachette, Luigi took a big fat bite out of his pastrami sandwich.
"…I don't-a understand. One Peach is enough, isn't it? I swear, paisano… these games will be the death of me…"
"They have a-been. Like a million times."
"Ha, ha," Mario replied pithily. "But really, it doesn't seem weird to you?"
"Weird?" scoffed Sonic, who had overheard everything and was sitting not far from the brothers. "Bro, you wanna see weird, just type in any name of your choice + "the hedgehog" on Google Images with SafeSearch off. Hell, just look up Sonichu—"
"We'll have fallen far when my fanbase is in any way, shape, or form comparable to yours," Mario jested at his longtime rival.
"Fanbases come in all shapes and sizes and not all fans can be painted with the same brush," Sonic replied with a shrug of his shoulders.
"Get a-back to me when-a someone turns Amy into a Toad."
"Suit yourself, man. I'm just saying, be glad it isn't you."
Mario, oddly enough, kind of wished that it was him, weirdness be damned. Things could use a little spicing up in his life, not to mention, he was sick of pulling triple duty all the time. If it wasn't a mainline Mario game, it was a kart game, or sports game, or Smash. He just couldn't catch a break, and his only consolation was the fact that Paper Mario existed to take over the RPG shifts.
"Every day we drift a-further from God's light," Mario said firmly, head downcast.
"Man, you're introspective today," Sonic said with a shake of his head. He downed his seventeenth chili dog in one bite. "Keep an eye on him, will ya, Weegee? I'm gonna run through Classic one more time."
Luigi gave him a look that seemed to say, isn't that what I'm always doing?
Mario checked his watch. "Fuck a-me, we've a-got Super Mario Party beta-testing in twenty minutes."
Luigi stood and massaged his brother's shoulders. "Come on, paisano. You know as well as-a I do we don't have to go to that. They have enough employees and CPUs to sort a-that out."
But Mario was restless. "I just-a wanna get my mind off-a her."
"I know, man. I know. Hey, let's go see what the boys are up to."
As Mario and Luigi left the dining hall, they narrowly missed Princess Peach, whom Daisy yanked behind a pillar so as to prevent an awkward encounter.
She texted Luigi, "all clear".
Luigi got the IM on his cell and led Mario down the hall a little more confidently.
"Thank you, Daisy…" Peach said out of nowhere.
"Aww, don't mention it."
"No, really. Thank you… for everything."
Daisy was touched. She pinched her friend's cheeks. "No point getting sentimental on an empty stomach. C'mon."
They walked in, sat down, and ordered from the tablet held out by their R.O.B. waiter. Peach then unfolded the note she was writing to Bowser, and inspected it to see if she could use it as a template for her note to Mario.
Dear Bowser,
I'm really sorry if you thought I was snubbing you guys back there. I didn't mean it that way at all, and I hope that we can let bygones be bygones.
Your Good Friend,
Peach
It reflected her feelings, but somehow didn't sound sincere enough.
But what is sincerity, after all?
Peach wondered if it were even possible for her to be as sincere as other (most) people, or if what Zelda told her once in a passionate argument was true, and that as she spent her whole life specc'ing out her image and maintaining her outward appearance, she'd forgotten to get in touch with who she really was beneath the makeup and outfits and cakes and parties. Right now, Peach felt as empty as an emotional scarecrow, stuffed with a whole lot of nothing but sass and artifice, and deathly afraid of losing her grip on herself.
Daisy had thought that the Princess' mood would stabilize with a meal, so she attempted to engage her in light conversation.
"May I see?" she asked.
Peach pushed it over.
"Ohhh, what have we here?" asked Olimar, who was peeping over Daisy's shoulder. "Love letters-? AHHH!"
"Um, this is a private matter!" Daisy snapped, and slapped the Spaceman in the face, betraying her own stress. The crack on his helmet repaired itself as per the new game mechanics and he waddled away, mumbling insults.
Seeing that the princesses were absorbed and seemingly in distress, the others avoided them during the meal, only furthering the worsening of Peach's and Daisy's states of mind.
Bowser and son were pacing the dank, musty basements of his castle.
"Fascinating!" Kamek said in hushed tones, salivating over the Super Crown beneath his magnifying glass. "What do you have in mind, milord? Did you want to try it on?"
"Perhaps… but he said it was programmed very specifically for Toadette."
"Even so, you'll never know what'll happen until you try."
Bowser gulped. "Son, I think you should go… do something else."
But Bowser Junior was immensely curious. "Awww, but daddy… what if you need my help?"
"I can assure you I won't. Go look in the back of your closet."
"You mean behind the Sleep Powder booby-trap you installed there last Christmas?"
"Uh, yeah, behind that."
"Oh! Oh! What is it?!"
"It's your Christmas present."
Bowser Junior's eyes lit up and he jumped for joy. "Really, daddy?!"
"Yeah, sure. You're welcome."
And so the kid was out of there faster than a Super Mario 64 speedrunner backwards long-jumping up the endless stair.
Kamek took several steps back as Bowser took the Super Crown and began to raise the fateful item above his head.
"If this turns me into some freakish loli moeblob creature that says 'Gao! Gao!' and dances around to Vocaloid tunes shaking my tail or some shit like that, I want you to kill me quickly," Bowser told Kamek. "Like, seriously, just shoot me in the face until I'm unrecognizable. Then yank the thing off so it's gone when I eventually respawn."
"With, um, what shall I shoot you, sir?" Kamek asked, and Bowser produced from his shell a Night Hawk .50C Desert Eagle from Counter-Strike GO.
"Ah," Kamek said, fumbling with the gun and barely able to hold it in his tiny little hands.
"Careful, now!" Bowser growled at him.
Kamek nodded, still shaking.
Finally, the moment of truth was at hand.
"Well, here goes fuckin' nothin'."
Bowser raised the crown above his head, and slowly brought it down over his noggin.
King Koopa felt a most horrible, unimaginable mental pain, like that of his central nervous system being crushed in a trash compactor, like the dying souls of 30+ year-old Star Wars diehards upon seeing Luke Skywalker milk the titties of that giant space cow, or like if Ice Cube in '89 had been given a window into the future to see Are We There Yet?.
"AAARRRRR!"
Then, his mind having collapsed in on itself, the pain became physical in the worst ways possible, and it felt endless, and he wanted it to end.
"GWARRRRR! MY SKIN!"
Bowser's scales ripped off and vanished into the ether as flakes of digital skin took their place. He spewed flames everywhere, and thrashed about, and Kamek took another few steps back so as to not be flambéd.
"YEEEOOOWWWCHHHHHH!"
He felt hair sprout from his scalp, his fangs shrink, his face crushed in, his limbs constrict as if they were suddenly subjected to a pressurized space vacuum, and finally, the final insult: he felt every last millimeter of his dick and balls get sucked right into his body, and then rearrange themselves into lady parts.
"OH JESUS FUCKING CHRISTMAS MY BALLS!"
Then he fell with a thud onto the floor.
At long last, the pain was over. If he'd been a human, Bowser would long ago have passed out and perhaps even died from the pain. But, being a digital being, he could not ever truly die, and so consciousness gradually returned to him.
Bowser became aware of warmth. Then of levitating, being weightless, and finally, comfort.
When he awoke, King Koopa felt oddly light, lighter than he'd ever felt. He blinked twice. It was a familiar ceiling, in his own stony, warm, Gothic castle. He sat up in his bed. The usual, painful weight of his humongous shell was replaced by a feeling of physical freedom. He wanted to jump for joy, to flex, to look himself in the mirror, at least…
He turned to his side, where Kamek was standing nervously, clutching a hand mirror (mirror side away from Bowser) to his chest.
"Give it to me," Bowser asked, but Kamek shook his head wildly.
"Sir… uh, let's give it a minute, shall we?"
"Was that… my voice?" Bowser continued, unable to believe that the adorably husky, undoubtedly feminine voice was coming from his mouth. He ran his scaly tongue around his mouth and felt the sharpness of his fangs. They were all smaller than before, even though his canines did protrude rather uncomfortably from his lips.
"I don't know if this is what Mr. Miyamoto intended," Kamek continued. "Perhaps we should take it off… AH!"
"FOOL!" Bowser grabbed Kamek's hand, stopping it from taking the Super Crown off his head. It was then that he realized that his claws were gone. In their place were hands.
Like, human hands.
Bowser lifted the covers and looked down at the rest of his body.
He was boasting a rad pair of ginormous ta-tas. His tail wagged in ecstasy. Unable to take the suspense any longer, Bowser stood from his bed (it was a much larger drop than he was used to), stark naked in just the way that fandom intended, walked on his light human feet on over to his full-length mirror, and gazed for the first time upon a version of himself he didn't ever know that he needed to see, but now that he'd seen it, he knew his life would have been incomplete without it.
"Wait, why don't I have red hair?" he asked, and his hair changed from blonde to red in a heartbeat.
"Ha! Go blonde again!" he commanded, and it was done again. "Ginger again! But longer!"
"Mother of God…" Kamek began.
"YESSSS!" Bowser screamed in an adorably feminine voice. He then let out a rip-roaring, deep-voiced laugh, but was only able to hold it for a good few seconds before his strained and parched throat caught up with him and he fell into a coughing fit.
Kamek offered some Red Potion and Lemonade, both of which were hurriedly downed.
"Guess I'll have to redo my evil laugh…"
Bowser continued to admire his feminine body in the mirror. His shell was much more manageable. He had curves in just the right places. He spanked his ass, which he hadn't seen in all its full glory, ever. He gently polished his horns. This was bliss. No more would his oversized hurtbox, slow attacks, and over-reliance on grabs in the grab-unfriendly Ultimate ruin his chances at victory in Smash, and in life. No more would he knock things over everywhere he went and feel the need to hunch over and draw himself in so as not to scare those with whom he was speaking. He would turn heads and command respect at the same time. And THOSE LEGS! This body was everything he could ever have wanted.
Bowser swished his tail. It was still as firm as ever.
"Have the Able Sisters sent up immediately," he told Kamek, then realized that he may not be ready to show off this new body to just anyone. "Wait… has anyone else seen me?"
When the answer was a series of uncertain 'ums' and 'ehs', he once again grabbed Kamek by his robe, and focused his intense eyes upon him. "HAS ANYONE ELSE SEEN ME?!"
Barely concealed snickering could be heard outside the door. It turned soon to full-on evil laughter. Bowser recognized the voice. It was Ganondorf's.
"No…!" Bowser started.
"H-h-he was already waiting for you in the drawing room. He saw me bring you up, but… he's promised not to tell."
"Your secret's safe with me!" Ganon half-gasped between breaths.
"How about my boy?!" Bowser asked.
"As you planned, he activated your backup Sleep Powder trap while trying to dig for a present," Kamek said. "He's out cold and I've taken the liberty of shaking down that Victreebel for the good stuff and reset the trap already. He shouldn't remember much."
"Good work," said Bowser.
"You've got a lot of explaining to do to that kid," Ganondorf replied.
"And you're still here. Don't you have an appointment to get dunked on by some pointy-eared fairies? Don't you need to train to get out of low-tier status?!"
Ganondorf was surprised that his best bud exploded so suddenly. "Ah, you're touchy. Can I come in?"
"NO WAY!" Bowser boomed, then toned down his voice, lest he disturb the sleeping Junior, who was just in the opposite wing. "I mean, at least let me get something on first."
"Any suggestions?" he asked Kamek.
"Er, well, we do have some of Peach's dresses, though the proportions are… well, let's just say they're a bit off…"
Bowser recalled that Peach had stashed some clothes in the closet in her comfortable prison tower, which was just about as luxurious as towers can get. But admiring himself in the mirror, he reasoned that the amount of work it would take to adjust Peach's clothes to accommodate his larger bust and posterior and slightly taller frame was probably more trouble than it was worth, not to mention he had some very different ideas of his own as to what he'd be wearing.
"I've already seen what you look like. Naked, too," Ganondorf grumbled from outside the door. "Come on, Broseidon."
But Bowser groaned and wrapped Peach's bathrobe (which she left behind once after needing to use his shower) around him. It was short - barely covering his butt - and he hated the thought of soiling the Princess' garments, but it was better than nothing.
"Fine, come in."
Ganon creaked open the door expecting to have to stifle nervous laughter once more, but he found himself stunned to the quick. He admired Bowser's toned, luscious legs, and his perfect, shapely, feminine figure.
"Oh, man. Er, I mean… can I even call you that anymore?"
Bowser looked down, then up at Ganon. "If you mean the family jewels, they've gone and crawled back up into my body. Might as well have never existed."
Hot damn, that's what I'm talkin' about, Ganondorf thought, then caught himself. "Can I try that thing on?"
Little flames erupted from Bowser's nose, and he tried to ignore the scorching feeling that they left behind. He'd have to get used to that.
"Do you want to know what true pain feels like?" Bowser asked him, glancing up at the smiling Gerudo. He was NOT used to having to look UP at Ganondorf and this put him on edge. "Imagine an innumerable amount of needles being stuck up your fingernails, and your eyeballs being sucked into an airplane toilet, and Donkey Kong giving you a root canal, and your limbs crushed by an Overly Attached Steelix while every single Uganda Knuckles that ever existed on VR Chat click-clacks directly into your eardrums for eternity…"
"No pain, no gain! Oh come on, you can't have all the fun," Ganondorf teased him. "Give it here, ol' sport."
"I SAID NO!" Bowser yelled, and the insane look in his eyes finally made the impression he was going for. Ganondorf backed off.
"Touchy, touchy," said Ganondorf. "Is it that time o' the month for you, as well?"
"Since when have any of us had a menstrual cycle? You've been spending too much time reading shitty dad jokes on iFunny," Bowser growled as the tailor sisters finally entered. The industrious Mabel and visibly nervous Sable began taking his measurements, and he let his clothes fall to the floor.
Ganondorf tried to turn away from Bowser's bodacious body, but couldn't. The Koopa King described in detail what he wanted his outfit to look like.
"…and I want spikes on all the bracelets and necklaces and shoulder pads, of course. Black, like my heart. An all black dress with a blue pendant, to put Peach's to shame. Keep it modest, for my boy. And I want variations with stockings, and biker pants, and two sets of lingerie, and a biker jacket, and a vest, and an all-leather suit like Trinity from The Matrix, oh, and loads of black and red makeup…"
The two sisters were furiously scribbling down notes.
"…and this must all be ready by... tomorrow," he said finally.
"Um… this is an expensive order," Mabel began. "Perhaps we could work out a—"
Bowser snapped his fingers and Kamek threw her a giant bag of Coins. It was twice as heavy as the sisters put together.
"Didn't have time to go to the Currency Exchange," he apologized.
Mabel and Sable looked at one another, and spoke to one another in their strange Animal Crossing gibberish before replying in the common tongue.
"We'll get it done, Your Highness," said Mabel, Pocketing the Gold. "We'll work in the adjacent room so we can make alterations if necessary."
"Very good. That will be all, Kamek," Bowser said. "Await my bell."
Kamek bowed and left the room. Bowser sat down in his now-overly-large throne and whipped out a beer from his cooler. He tossed one to Ganondorf, who was already seated.
They popped their drinks, and there was a moment of silence between them so both could take stock of what was happening.
"So… uh… are you still… Bowser?" Ganon asked.
"What do you mean?" said Bowser, who snapped and ordered one of his Koopas to begin painting his fingernails.
"I mean, people won't recognize you."
"Hell, I hardly recognize me. I don't feel like me."
"Hmmm, then maybe you should, I don't know… maybe, like, take on a different identity?" Ganondorf suggested.
"I will not hide myself," said Bowser.
"But it's like you said, you're not yourself. You've got no balls."
At those typically fighting words, Bowser instinctively felt compelled to attack his friend, but a split-second passed before he realized that Ganon was not picking a fight but simply stating facts.
"You're right…" Bowser said. "I'm not myself. I don't look like myself, feel like myself, or smell or sound like myself."
He closed his eyes for a good long time, and when he spoke, it was with resolution.
"I guess now you can call me Bowsette."
Ganondorf scratched his chin. "Bowsette? How's that? There ain't no Toadette in ya. Shouldn't it be, like, Peowser? Or Peachser? Or BoPeach…"
"NO. I shall be Bowsette," Bowsette declared, and cracked her knuckles, and that was that. "And I… I guess I'll have to change my pronouns, too. It's only logical."
LOGIC! Ganon thought. Let me never be accused of trying to apply logic to Smash!
Ganondorf gulped as Bowsette crossed her perfectly sculpted legs. He tried to think of something, anything, to change the topic.
"So, uh… what's next for you, Bows…ette?"
"First things first. I want to study this… crown," Bowsette said, bringing forth the scroll with the Super Crown's source code. "...I need to make some quality of life improvements."
"Good call," said Ganondorf, studying the code. "And then?"
"I haven't thought that far ahead yet," said Bowsette seriously. "I haven't even figured out how the hell I'm going to pee."
"If I may," Ganondorf suggested, "once you've ironed out all the kinks, like the pain involved with non-Toadette transformations… you could, uh, with some help, of course, market the hell out of these, and make serious bank."
Bowsette wondered at this. "Would I want to, though?"
"What have you got to lose?"
Bowsette scratched her chin with her now-black painted fingernails. "I don't know. I'm kind of attached to being the only one, you know?"
"Surely it's inevitable. As soon as the others find out they can just put on Super Crowns—"
"But they won't," Bowsette threated Ganondorf. "Because they don't need to know."
Ganon smirked and held his hands up in a sign that seemed to say, 'it can't be helped'. "Look, man, about half your castle saw Kamek drag your ass up here. And even more people are gonna see that darn crown. You gonna put a gag order on all your lackeys? Cat's out of the bag. All you've gotta do is perfect this damn thing, improve on the code so that you can sell your own Super Crowns. Otherwise, everyone's just going to be smuggling the pain-inducing ones in from the New Super Mario Bros. U game!"
"Man, you're right," said Bowsette. "I hadn't thought of this."
"Leave it to me," Ganondorf stated. "I'll get my guys to work with your guys on this. You'll be the walking advertisement, just go out there and do your thing, and I'll figure out the rest. We'll split the earnings 70-30."
And he held his hand out for Bowsette to shake.
"Let's go 50-50."
"Nah… 60-60."
"Hang on, that's… over 100%."
"Exactly! We're going to put in maximum effort! Like, 110% effort! And the other 10% will be from interest!"
Bowsette raised an eyebrow. Ganondorf's math did not sound at all correct, but who was she to question it? Ganon was a Dark Magician, capable of shaping the whole world in his image.
They shook on it.
Heh, Ganon thought. Still not the brightest shard of the Triforce here. Maybe this new Bowsette's not so different from the original after all.
Just then, Mabel hustled out of the adjoining room with due speed.
"Milord, your first outfit is ready!"
Bowsette's eyes lit up as if with fireworks.
"OMIGOD YESSSSS!" she said, hissing and squee-ing with delight. Her behavior was downright shocking to Ganondorf. "Ganon, do tell me what you think, darling. But turn away! Mustn't see yet!"
Uh, lemme just take that all back, Ganon told himself. She really is something new.
As Ganondorf obeyed his friend's request, he couldn't help but wonder just what the hell he had gotten himself into. And he also couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if he got into his friend, a proposition that was seeming dangerously enticing the longer he was in Bowsette's orbit.
Just then, they heard Kamek cry out in pain. Then a thud could be heard in the hallway.
The door creaked open to absolute silence.
Bowsette's pupils dilated as she heard a sleepy voice say, "Mommy? Mommy! I knew you'd come back someday!"
Before Bowsette could finish buttoning up the back of her dress, Bowser Junior dropped the bat, ran right into her arms, and gave her a huge GLOMP.
Bowsette was utterly speechless, but Ganondorf gave her a look that said, 'Be cool, Broseph. Be cool.'
"I had a weird nightmare... there was this mushroom crown thing that makes Princess Peaches out of Toads, and daddy was really excited about it..." began Bowser Junior, who then did a double-take, looking awkwardly at Bowsette's bodacious bosom. "You are... my Mommy, right? Because if you're not... I mean, if it wasn't just a dream..."
Bowsette's mouth screwed up into a smile. The part of her that wanted to come clean lost to her newfound and overwhelming maternal instincts. "Of... of course, baby... I'll, uh, be your Mommy..."
"Huh?"
"I mean, as long as I'm here, that is... I've heard so many great things about you. Your daddy's so very proud of you, son!"
"YAY!" Bowser Junior hugged her even tighter, tears of joy running down his blubbering little face.
Ganondorf shook his head in concern, and Bowsette knew then and there that she had gone down the wrong fucking rabbit hole.
To Be Continued...
A/N: Thank you so much for reading! The next chapter may take a little longer, but Faves and Follows will keep me going! Feel free to let me know what ya think of the direction I'm going! ;)