There's Something About Bowsette
A/N: SHE SAID YES! WOW! (And her dad is cool with me, too!) This is the happiest day ever! I'm over the moon right now! Got a LONG trip ahead, but THANK YOU so much everyone for going on this roller-coaster of a journey with me, and thanks as well to everyone who Reviewed, Fave'd, and Followed since the last chapter!
TwistedSyn: Haha, thanks! Writing Shadow was so much fun. I wanted to do something different to go against expectations, but after posting that chapter I kind of regretted not having Shadow body those guys, so you may be on to something...
JasonVUK: Thanks so much! So thankful that you're sticking with this story! Now that everyone and everything has been established and my trip ends today, I'm going to try and pick up the pace.
Chapter Nine
She Believes in Me
Daisy and Luigi hadn't been long in the Dining Hall gathering intel when a report came in - Peach's hot air balloon was spotted docking outside her Castle. After a quick meal, Daisy bade goodbye to her boyfriend and hopped a Sports Bike to her bestie's abode right away. Toads informed her that the blonde Princess was in her expansive gardens.
Daisy wasn't sure what to expect upon entering the Peach Gardens, crossing over the go-kart track, and beginning to navigate the walkways between the large grass hedges, but she soon heard the sounds of Machine Head's Halo blaring from an 8.1 speaker system and mingling with the noise of a running chainsaw. Daisy subsequently saw green limbs and leaves flying through the air.
"I TOLD YOU TO GET OUT OF MY WAY!"
"I'm sorry, Princess! So sorry!"
"Put some glue on it! JUST… UGH!"
Two blood-soaked Toads ran crying from behind a hedge, and Daisy studied their heads in alarm - one was attempting to hold the other one's recently halved Toadstool head together.
They dashed past her and Daisy bit her lip and secretly prayed for strength as she peeked around the corner.
"HOW DO YA LIKE THAT, HUH?! THAT'LL SHOW YOU, YOU COCK-STARVED HUSSY! YOU OVERSEXED REPTILE!"
Peach was livid, covered in grass and oil, her hair tied back, dressed up in her sexy Super Mario Strikers Charged outfit, moving around on a floating platform and saw-sculpting a colossal and extremely detailed topiary of herself stomping Bowsette's and Mario's faces into the ground.
"YOU SHORT, FAT, STEREOTYPICAL PURVEYOR OF LIES!"
She whisked her fingers along her tripod-mounted tablet, spawning splashes of roses where the blood would be spurting from their faces, and laughed once more as she emptied her seventeenth glass of wine.
Daisy quavered in her steps. She wanted to take a step forward and address Peach, but felt she was frozen in place.
She's lost her mind! What kind of friend am I to have let this happen?!
Leaning on her arms after their latest failed experiment, Ganonette sighed as she recalled the conversation she had with Masahiro Sakurai's Mii that morning.
Mr. Sakurai had spawned in what should have been Kamek's Lab in Bowser's Castle, but Ganonette had moved the location of their experiments to a deeper chamber, and so all he saw was the Chompette, chained to a corner, munching on a raw Moo Moo Ranch steak.
"I don't know why, but I'm strangely aroused," said Mr. Sakurai as he watched the glassy-eyed girl rip and tear at the steak with her super sharp shark-teeth and bark in his general direction. "It doesn't add up, though. Just this shouldn't take up so much of our server's RAM."
Ganonette scratched the back of her head.
"Huh, maybe there's a bunch o' registry errors building up or something…"
Hah! What a story, Ganon! Mr. Sakurai studied Ganonette's poker face. The response seemed a bit too prepared, but he didn't have time to get into it personally.
"I'm watching you, Ganonette," he said sternly, then on his way out, summoned a R.O.B. equipped with Melee's Cloaking Device item to search the whole castle for secret entrances.
Ganonette sighed deeply and contentedly, thinking that she had dodged a hell of a Bullet Bill.
Once the coast was clear, she'd opened the backdoor she and Kamek had coded in by feeling out the slightly-raised floor tile, doing the Macarena dance, then withdrawing her sword and slashing at a hidden wall, revealing a secret passageway that took her down another flight of stairs to Kamek's Even More Secret Lab.
"Ganonette! Is he gone?" Kamek asked, trembling.
"Yeah, he's gone."
"Fuck yeah. Doctors Wily and Eggman are here. They're ready to begin—"
"Good. Then they can take over, and I can get some gorram sleep."
Kamek looked down at the documents in his hand and was ready to rail out a long list of issues, but Ganonette gave him the death glare... then immediately snatched the papers and forced herself to get back to work.
That was several hours and many arguments, transformations, and cups of coffee ago.
Now Ganonette's blurry eyes were poring over the even newer results until the spreadsheets just became sets of meaningless gibberish.
Ganonette was nodding off and halfway to a much-needed second nap when she was stirred suddenly by a booming series of knocks on the large wooden double doors.
"Whooo is it?" she asked, rubbing her eyes.
"It's Bowsette, damn it! Let me in!"
"Oh, shit," Ganonette hissed. "Uh, just a minute~~"
Ganonette flipped open her Sheikah Slate and used its selfie camera as a compact mirror; she adjusted her hair and clothing before unlocking the door, which Bowsette all but slammed open, nearly catching Ganonette in the nose.
Bowsette could be heard growling under her breath as she stared down her good friend. She looked her up and down, admiring her unique beauty.
"So it's true! You've transformed as well! Just what is going on here?!"
Ganonette meant to say "Kamek and I are discussing business here", but it came out as "Kamek and I are disgusting business here!"
"Damn right you are!" Bowsette barked, grabbing the lovely Ganonette by her arms and pushing her against the wall.
"Take it-a easy!" Mario cautioned Bowsette, who ignored him.
"Where's my son?" she demanded.
"As if I know!" Ganonette replied. "Link and Zelda were supposed to tuck him in."
"Yeah, well… he ain't in his room and no one's seen him all morning," Bowsette said.
"Calm your tits. I got a text from Tails," said Kamek. "He's fishing with Knuckles and Shadow on Angel Island."
Satisfied, Bowsette let go of Ganonette, who led him from the raised loft/office down the staircase to the lab proper, where he and Mario gawked at her growing army of -ettes, most of whom were standing around combing each others' hair, laughing at gossip, sharing dietary trends, or bragging about recent purchases.
There were Booettes and Koopaettes, Goombaettes, Thwompettes, and Chompettes.
There were Birdoettes, Yoshiettes, and Great Fairyettes.
There was even a whole sorority of Tinglettes giggling, gyrating, and twirling ecstatically, singing "Kooloo-limpah!"
Between the ROBettes, Shy Girlettes, Pikminettes, Gordettes, and Waddle Dee-ettes, there were Stalfosettes, Goronettes, Zoraettes, and even freakish Redeadettes wandering about, moping deeply and randomly glomping people.
"You've gone too far…!" Bowsette exclaimed.
"Au contraire," said Ganonette, "we've only just begun."
But what struck him most were the Koopalingettes. They all rushed across the room to Queen Bowsette, with the exception of Ludwigette, who'd gone to powder up in the bathroom and adjust her new outfit.
Each of them had their individual facial expressions and signature tics and hair styles, as well as modified feminine body types. They resembled goofy teenaged versions of Peach, and if Bowsette had been able to observe them just a minute ago, she would have seen how greatly they were enjoying their interactions with one another.
But now that Bowsette was here, they wasted no time in groveling at her feet.
"Queen Bowsette!" the Koopalingettes yelled over the noise of a hundred princesses, scrambling over one another to kiss her feet. "We're so honored to finally meet you!"
"Ewww, there's no need for that," Queen Bowsette said with a blush, but let them do it anyway. "And take those damn things off! It's… distracting!"
The Koopalingettes looked nervously at one another, neither of them wanting to consent to going through the excruciatingly painful process once more.
"Oh..." Lemmyette and Royette managed.
"…s-should we do it now, Your Highness?" asked Wendyette, who'd quickly fallen in love with her new body.
"Did I stutter?" Bowsette commanded.
"N-n-no, milord - ah, milady! Forgive us," they said in unison, then, as a unit, all pulled the Super Crowns off their heads, prompting an immensely painful series of transformations that struck horror into even Mario's poor stereotypical Italian heart.
To escape the din, Bowsette dragged Ganonette from the laboratory and into an adjacent drawing room.
"Get your hands off me!" Ganonette challenged her, drawing her sword. "I deserve this damn Super Crown as much as you do! We went through hell last night!"
"I'm aware. Gimme the progress report."
Bowsette poured the three of them some bourbon as Ganonette continued: "Ah, progress! The Able Sisters were able to program it so that the Princesses no longer spawn totally naked, but with Peach-i-fied versions of their existing outfits."
"That's it?!" Bowsette boomed.
"Um, well, I've brought in some additional help-"
"BAH!"
Bowsette punched a hole through the wall.
Mario ran up to her. "Bow-a-sette... it's-a okay, sweetie. These-a things take time."
Ganonette was beginning to sweat, but knew he could hold his own. "Your lingerie is ready, by the way. Hope you don't mind if I ordered some myself on your tab—"
"Listen," Bowsette said solemnly, and a bit less peeved, "I know we agreed to sell these Crowns…"
"Don't say you're Cucco-ing out on me!" Ganonette protested. "These things are a gold mine, and—!"
"I don't care," said Bowsette, who stole a glance at the concerned Mario. "Did you know Mr. Sakurai had to wipe Toadette's memory? She can never become Peachette again."
"Well, that's just too bad for Toadette," said Ganonette. "But it doesn't affect our bottom line."
"Yes, it will," Mario argued, "because-a it's wrong, and if-a you continue to destabilize the server with-a these 'experiments', the Nintendo guys are-a going to put a stop to all of it!"
"That's inevitable!" said Ganonette. "The whole thing's a fad! Nothing lasts forever… why do you two seem so attached to… oh…"
Ganonette had paused because she recognized the way Mario and Bowsette were looking at one another, and it wasn't the way two platonic friends exchange glances.
"How touching," said Ganonette. "Two lonely hearts meeting as one. Who'd have thought all it'd take is a little body modification to do wonders for your love lives? No, really, I'm tickled pink."
"We don't need your sarcasm," Bowsette threatened.
"Listen," Ganonette told Bowsette, "like it or not, you can't stop this hype train. This isn't something you can keep to yourself. I'm willing to pretend you're still onboard and honor your forty percent take."
"Sixty percent."
"Sure. Are you in?"
Bowsette felt a sinking feeling in the pit of her empty stomach. With or without her, this operation was going to continue, and with it was the small off-chance that cures to the insanity and pain caused by the blessed/cursed item might be found.
If it weren't for that small glimmer of hope at avoiding Toadette's fate, Bowsette would never have consented.
"Do me one favor," Bowsette brought up. "The, uh, mood swing, insanity thing. Figure it out. Above everything else."
We've looked at it from every angle, thought Ganonette. The issue is that the procedure itself is literally brain damage. You don't go flipping your gender in an instant without a few crossed wires.
"We haven't been able to isolate that issue," said Ganonette, "but we'll keep testing. Until then, uh, stay strong. You're our canary in the coal mine."
Bowsette sighed and nodded. "All right, carry on... and get some sleep. Let's-a go, Mario. Love the outfit, by the way."
Ganonette blushed. "Ah, you ol' charmer…"
On their way out, Bowsette regarded the newly transformed Koopalings, who were all twitching and panting in agony, and said, "you know, on second thought, I liked you better as Princesses. Every Queen Bee needs her posse. Put 'em back on an' meet me in the garage!"
Tears fell like spilled milk from their shaking eyes as they gazed upon their retreating monarch with rising incredulity, and slowly moved to their Super Crowns.
Just that moment, a newly dressed Ludwig emerged from the bathroom and stared, wide-eyed and very confused, at the thrashing, crying, transforming Koopaettes.
"Whoa, what the hell, guys?!"
After the server was nearly overloaded due to Toadette's insanity, beta-testing was put on hold for several hours and morning shifts were largely cancelled.
So it made sense that the Smashers, who were formerly relieved to have some much-deserved free time, fell into dark and morose moods upon the announcement of a mandatory night shift for many of them in order to balance Isabelle.
As a result, most of the Smashers congregated at the Dining Hall for an early dinner, and nearly everyone on the roster was buzzing with gossip and speculation about the Super Crown, and those who had disappeared since the whole debacle and were at the moment nowhere to be seen - namely, Ganon, Peach, Mario, and Bowser.
"I hear they want to sell the things!" Female Robin murmured.
"I'd like to see them try," laughed Male Robin.
"Yeah," agreed Toon Link, who had believed some of the more wild rumors out there and proved it by stating, "I don't want to turn into a sex-crazed semen demon! I've got enough going on as it is!"
Toon Link had never really accepted that he was just a modified redesign of a more popular character. His entire identity was literally dependent on his looking differently from another version of himself. That's a heck of a thing to put on someone.
Luigi was sitting in a corner rubbing his temples when he heard a chilly voice whisper his name.
Lu-eeeeee-geeeee… it began, and a moment later, Luigi felt deathly cold tendrils running up his thighs and felt that death was near. His testicles felt as if they'd been dunked in a bowl of ice.
"AIIIIEEEEEE! GET AWAY-A FROM ME!"
With his head filled with flashbacks from the Belmonts' trailer, Luigi leapt to his feet, withdrew the Poltergust 5000, and backed into a corner, knees knocking.
Everyone turned to regard his outburst, and many even laughed at him.
"You all right, bud?" Simon Belmont asked after wiping foam off the mug of ale he nearly spilled while laughing.
Was I imagining things? Luigi asked himself as his spirits sank and he slunk back to his seat.
But he had no sooner parked his derriere in his chairriere when the double-doors to the dining hall were suddenly kicked wide open.
"IN PLACE OF A DARK LORD, YOU WILL HAVE A QUEEN, BITCHEEEESSSSS!" Bowsette boomed, quoting Galadriel as she spewed an uninterrupted stream of flames above the diners in a fit of excitement.
The vocal choir of the Final Bowser Battle song from Super Mario Galaxy 2 blasted from a boom box on Morton's shoulders as the Koopalingettes twirled daintily into the room, their voices adding to the choir, and their dresses all spinning in time with the orchestra.
"HAIL TO THE QUEEN, BABY!" the Koopalingettes cried in unison as they struck their individual poses.
Wendyette tossed Bowsette and Mario two microphones. They took them into their hands and leapt on the central round table as Royette angled a spotlight down to illuminate her perfect form.
"Cue the song, please~" Bowsette called, then downed a glass of water.
Morton switched the track on the boom box, and a minus-one version of Frank Sinatra's "My Way" began to play.
Bowsette's voice came out powerful, husky, sad, and filled to the brim with emotion as they traded verses.
Their singing and routine is here transcribed:
(Bowsette begins, calmly addressing the crowd)
And now, the beginning's near
I've changed my face, lifted the curtain
My friends, we'll say it clear
We'll state our case, of which we're certain
(Mario sings and gestures, turning at key moments to regard Bowsette)
This-a romance arc's gone 'round in full
The one we loved kicked us to the highway
We said-a no more, if we're to exist
We'll do it our way
(Bowsette takes Mario's hand and twirls him around, singing)
Regrets, we've had a few
Some growing pains between dimensions
We did what we were programmed to do
Our sorrows sold without exception
(Mario follows her lead, mimes leaping upon her head, croons)
We've-a fought and strived so hard for love
Up working nights Saturday to Friday
And-a now, we're gonna find our bliss
We'll do it our-a way
(Bowsette holds Mario by the chin and looks deeply into his eyes, singing)
Yes, there were times, I'm sure ya knew
We bit off more than we could chew
But on one another, knew we could count
Absorb all the hatred, and spit it out
We faced it all, now we'll stand tall
'Coz we did it our way
(Mario seemingly addresses Bowsette alone)
I've-a loved, I've laughed, and cried
A million pratfalls, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside
I find the drama all so amusing
(Bowsette and Mario sing together, taking each others' hands and looking into each others' eyes)
We were barking up the wrong tree
Instead of loving each other, oh all those lost days
Oh yes, whatever happens next
We did it our way
(Bowsette and Mario address the whole table passionately)
For what is life? What have we got?
If not friends and love, then we have naught
To say the things we truly feel
Not bound to scripts, not forced to kneel
Let the fighter record show we took the blows
And did it our way
And did it our way
And then, in front of everyone, as the song concluded, Bowsette lifted Mario up and kissed him on the lips.
The crowd was stunned.
The Koopalingettes applauded.
No one moved. Bowsette and Mario stood kissing, hand in hand, then waved at the Koopalingettes, who continued clapping.
Bowsette began to look despondent, and then defiant, as tears threatened to well up in her eyes.
Mario took her hand tightly and kissed it, and in his eyes she saw a plea for strength.
"AWOOOO! Come on, people!" yelled Isabelle, who popped a firework and leapt on the table to applaud with her tiny paws. "Show your support!"
Snake and Samus stood and slow-clapped.
Lucina, shaking from the reverie the song had put her in, leapt to her feet in applause, and the other Fire Emblem characters followed suit.
Fox and Falco shrugged and started clapping, while Wolf howled, more as a lascivious catcall towards Bowsette than anything else.
Pikachu downed his evening whisky, stood on the table, and cheered, prompting the other Pokemon to do the same.
Even Toon Link had to admit that was pretty impressive. His opinion on the Super Crown was immediately reversed.
Finally, Luigi stood, and smiled warmly at his brother and friend, even as his expression told them that he was very, very confused and would be in need of a good explanation, especially since Daisy hadn't returned from Peach's.
A good portion of the Dining Hall erupted in support of Queen Bowsette. Even those who were confused, like Rosalina, seemed touched at the sight.
Mario and Bowsette kissed again, and with their eyes filled with tears, both wished that this moment could last forever.
A/N: Thank you SO MUCH for reading! Reviews, Faves, and Follows really brighten up my day and week, even if the comments are critical, so feel free to let me know what you think of the direction this fic is taking so far. :) I do have a clear end in sight for this story, so it won't last forever~~ The next time I'll update, I'll be back in my home state. Here's hoping we get some kind of announcement for the next Smash Direct or a character announcement soon, since I'm going nuts with all the fake leaks! Take care everyone and stay awesome!