Diarmuid Ua Duibhne felt pure elation upon being summoned to Fuyuki and declared his loyalty without question, even if his Master was husband and wife. Even if the blonde Englishman desired another Servant, expressing that he was a quick replacement. Lancer would prove to his Lord that there was merit in summoning him, and present him with the Grail through noble battle.
It was supposed to be that simple.
His second life became an icy mountain, one he slipped down with an inevitable crash awaiting him. Arturia Pendragon, the Legendary King of Knight and Britain, showcased her skills in battle and even mirrored his chivalry. On the other hand, his Master valued victory over honor and stole any free will to choose otherwise away from him.
In Lancer's quest for loyalty, it was only in the presence of Saber did he ever smile, be himself, and fought as his heart desired. In the private battlefield of Masters, was it decided that these sentiments meant nothing; the cruel fate he wanted to avoid replicating yet again.
With Kayneth's injuries too grand, and Sola-Ui in possession of the command seals—it became apparent that the only way to victory would be to abide by his obligations to Kayneth and serve her. The flaming red-haired woman whose visage all too similar to Grainne, was captured and smitten because of his mole. With no direction on how to rectify the repeating, wretched past during this summons, Diarmuid reluctantly abided by her orders.
Though he had a small plan. With Sola's knowledge of the battlefield grim, he could situate her in a safe location. It was a must, the way her love-filled gaze fell upon him and remained focused directly on the seals on her right hand made him uneasy. Surely—as he did with Grainne during the pursuit—Lancer could achieve victory alone, focusing on his battle against Caster.
A mistake it was, leaving his temporary Master defenseless. In his past, Angus, the God of Love, and his Foster father, a powerful warrior in his own right, alongside a traveling mercenary, kept his wife safe. Although here, in the treacherous and dangerous lands of Fuyuki, did he allow his enemies to strike.
A severed arm with bullet holes through the command seals and a large splatter of blood was all that remained of Kayneth's wife. After a Master destroyed an entire building, why did he not think such horrendous actions as taking a hostage wouldn't take place? Defeated, and unable to track Sola-Ui since they had not formed a proper pact, he returned alone to Kayneth.
Rightfully so, his Master was furious at the horrific turn of events. Diarmuid knelt, accepting the verbal lashing at his expense. No matter how grievously sorry he was, being unable to discern the woman he was responsible for location, was deserving of such punishment.
His failures aside, why did his Master continuously strike below the belt? Accuse him of seducing his wife and being unable to do none else? Call him arrogant, an animal consumed by his lust, unable to see his Monarch's fiance otherwise. A ghost, given form by magic. A mere tool strung up by the throat by command seals. His words struck a nasty chord.
Still, even after that malignant smile captured Kayneth's lips for striking down any ounce of dignity Diarmuid had left—he would stay true to his loyalty. Fight against the enemy that approached them. After all, Saber admitted she didn't know where Kayneth's wife was and could not have been behind the kidnapping.
Arturia had declared in all her glory, the magnificence of chivalry between the two Knights. Her undeniable, pure, and noble fighting spirit was enough. Her assertion was all he needed to battle proudly with everything at his disposal. This woman understood a Knight's pride better than anyone else. She was the beacon in a dark tunnel, guiding him towards a glorious fight.
It was so, until the detrimental pain of his magic severing spear pierced his chest, decorating the cement beneath his feet with his blood, and his throat filled with the taste of iron, his eyes burning from it. Gae Dearg found its home in the wrong place, undoubtedly the work of a command seal.
Why why why why why?
Diarmuid Ua Duibhne had never been one lash out, not even in legend. As fate challenged his desire to live, he faced it with no regrets. Yet now, as his body broke down, the pain in his chest burning hotter than the flames in hell—he raged.
Blindsided through cruelty and deception, everyone—even Saber—trampled on his one wish for their personal gain.
And not a soul had any shame, nor gave a damn about it.
—
Haley sat upwards, clutching Rin's expensive duvets in her hand so tight they wrinkled. She thought she understood the pain Diarmuid felt from the betrayal that cost him his second life but…there were still details he didn't fully disclose.
Such as how much Saber's presence influenced him.
The Monarch was more than just sophisticated in her manner of speech, gallant in the face of adversity, and a beautiful lioness in a dress that complimented the shamrock green of her round eyes. She was a Knight who revolved around similar codes of honor and chivalry as he did and cemented his aspirations in place while his Master and the world challenged his dogmas.
Kayneth made it apparent Lancer was no more valuable than a flea was to a dog, his principles a hindrance, his pride useless in the face of command seals, and he was a beast of mere lust and instincts. When his wish felt unrealizable and fruitless in the eyes of his Lord, Saber became a glimmer of light, and hopefully would bring about at least a noble ending.
He was robbed of that, his flicker of hope extinguished once his spear found his heart. Whether or not the Saber Servant had a hand in his death was debatable—as the shock on her face appeared genuine— but her very presence represented all Diarmuid's strife.
And Haley had him in a temporary partnership with the woman.
He wanted to put on a brave front for her sake—knowing that denying the alliance would have ended in a battle Haley had no business in. Not after putting on display the weakness that came with using her mental abilities at full strength. But still…
Tossing the blankets aside, she grabbed the wooden handrails and swung her legs off the enormous bed. Tohsaka had no qualms exploiting her riches in the grandest of temporary housing. It was an old-style, 3 story mansion, rumored to be haunted by the ghosts of centuries past. The white building was at the center of a neighborhood near the waterfront, with rooms rivaling a stadium in size. Aside from it being a tourist spot—she found it a perfect place Magi avoided due to strange rumors.
Haley didn't mind it, but anxiously traveled the halls decorated with old paintings and walls lined with statues and historic furniture. Rays of sunlight beamed through the old-style window panes. She could sense Diarmuid's presence at the roof, and the closer she got, the less she knew how to go about the topic of her dream, his memories. Regardless, if he wanted to cut this partnership Tohsaka, she would. Her future was always unlikely, but his was controllable to an extent and that she felt that was more important.
—
The day's warmth followed the set of the sun's lead, getting swept away in the cool breeze. Diarmuid watched the round sphere's glow begin to fade, the air's scent fresh with salt from the ocean at the neighborhood's far edge. However faint, the sound of the crashing sea's waves sang beautiful songs in his ears.
Too bad it didn't drown out the hollow sound of his voice upon death that whispered in his head. Or the fact that once he returned to the Throne of Heroes, this version of himself shall…cease to exist. Only the memories of what he had done would remain recorded in the throne. As a Heroic Spirit, he knew this, yet hearing Rin so blandly talk about him merely being a copy, a shadow of the Hero Diarmuid and his wishes…
…It galled him. Lancer disagreed with that notion, for should he not—then what purpose as a Knight did he truly serve? What composed him in this Era beyond a Knight's honor, and chivalry? What could he concoct to rationalize the impudence he endured in Fuyuki's Holy Grail War?
Then there was the King of Knights. Saber betrayed him, putting Kayneth in a position after their declarations of honor that ended that miserable existence. He shouldn't care so much, but enemy or not, Arturia Pendragon influenced his actions. Maybe more than he realized. The way she plagued his thoughts...was he suffering because the emotions coming to a boil in his chest meant something? But if that were the case—
The presence of his Master stole his attention away from his thoughts. Haley seated herself next to him, her large, ice-blue eyes devouring the twilight. This reminded him that the night's battle was soon to call, and whatever trials awaited them as they answered it.
"I can never get enough of this," She said, crossing her legs.
All Diarmuid could think, though, was what would she say to his lingering feelings being the reason he has performed miserably? It was alarming to him, so he decided to confide in Haley. Currently, he regarded the young woman in high esteem, and he once believed that impossible. Surely his honesty would only benefit them in their plans.
"You enjoy these views as well." he said, easing into the conversation.
"Oh yes, being so high up, it's like the entire world at my disposal," Haley's arms expanded wide, until they went slack at her sides and she rubbed her right arm before speaking quieter, "I know I've been asking this a lot but…are you okay?"
"'Tis been an eventual few days, I suppose," Diarmuid managed to say, a hint of guilt in his voice for being so unlike himself, and her awareness of it. "I could not finish Saber yet again…" he trailed off and sighed. "…and it is because I am unfocused, haunted by the past."
Haley rubbed at his back, "That's okay. You did well last night, even with everything that's on your mind. If that's the glory of Diarmuid Ua Duibhne when he's down, I can't wait to see you when you're full of valor and confidence!"
Diarmuid chuckled, incapable of withholding his smile at her bubbly personality. Somehow, his Master remained cheery, her belief never faltering, despite his lack of results. It was enough to dampen the pain in his heart. "Your words do me a great honor, Master, I will do my best not to sully them."
"My perfect Knight." Haley giggled, visibly deflating as the silence grew between them yet again. There was so much he had yet to say, but her next sentence stunned him instead. "You know…I saw it," she said softly, not tearing her eyes away from the looming darkness. It began to eat away at the setting light, "What happened to you in the other Grail War."
"What…how?"
"Dreams. They say through the bond of Master and Servant, it's possible to dip into the past of their Heroic Spirit. Guess it's true."
Diarmuid flinched as he recalled his bloodied countenance, shouting obscenities and declaring the Grail's wish to bring about disaster. After what he learned…it seemed one of his wishes came true. Which only ashamed him more. "How much of it did you see?"
"All of it. They were fragments but…"
They both drooped—almost simultaneously in melancholy—as Haley tallied off the events of her dream. She started from his summoning to the first duel with Saber and the command seal that followed. The battle against Caster in the woods and how he gave Saber's Master mercy. Kayneth's wife begging for his assistance, the sacrifice he made by disposing of Gae Buidhe to give Saber use of her left hand for the greater good.
"Kayneth's nasty words to you, and…how you died." She finished, almost ruefully.
Lancer couldn't look her in the eye, for fear of what his features might reveal. "I am sorry you had to witness it. That war…was not of my proudest moments."
Briefly, things remained quiet until Haley lifted her head and said confidently, "I'm not sorry."
Diarmuid set his troubled gaze upon her as she continued, "I think I understand things a bit better now, and why Saber is so…difficult for you to face. She was the only person who shared the same core values as you, and then betrayed all of it, just as you had been ruthlessly mocked, slandered, and killed by Kayneth. You had everything stripped from you, your pride, your honor as a Knight, by someone you respected for yet a second time when all you wanted was the opposite. I think it's natural that you feel the way you do."
Nodding, Lancer was glad Haley understood his Knight's honor and pride were carelessly tossed away by all involved. "Yes, I had but one wish…" He looked at his upturned, empty palms in agony, "...and in one night, through words unheard and my beloved spear, it was robbed from me. How could Saber—"
He halted, his words almost a choked sob.
"Diarmuid…I might be wrong but, I don't think she had anything to do with it. It just…doesn't seem right. Granted, I only saw glimpses of your memory, but…I swear, Saber seemed stunned when you…anyway, if that's the case, then maybe—"
Diarmuid lifted his head, a shine of hope in his copper hues, "Then maybe it was the tactic of another."
Saber's true Master was a man who crept in the shadows, had orchestrated the end of Caster, and only appeared after Kayneth gave his final command. A tactic that maybe he employed without informing Saber…if that were true, then—
"Yes, but if I'm wrong, Diarmuid, know this," He looked at her, confused. "You didn't deserve it, not any of it. Yeah, you made some…questionable decisions but still, the way you were treated," her eyes dropped to her command seals with disgust as she said bitterly, "The things Kayneth said were all wrong. You're not some beast controlled by lust, nor some puppet strung up by command seals."
"Aren't I?" Diarmuid's body wilted like a dying flower. "Wasn't my unintended death at the mercy of the command seals not proof of such things?"
Haley's cheeks deepened in color, her expression uncharacteristically contorted by anger as she twisted her body to face him, "No, it's not! As a Heroic Spirit—you can accomplish incredible things not even a Magus can. You have desires like any other person and could act upon them. And while I have faith that you would never purposefully harm me, the command seals…they exist to control you because of it."
Diarmuid cast down his gaze, his dour mood not dissipating.
"You say that but…am I not just a mere copy of a Hero? Is there not truth to what Kayneth alluded to at least in slight? That this…existence that is me, is just a reflection of the sorrow of the true Hero of Duibhne's wish for loyalty that was not upheld?"
"Diar…" Haley nibbled her lower lip, her reluctance to speak validating his internal conflict. If there was no denying it…the harrowing idea of his past and present tribulations being fruitless ruined any desire in his heart.
However, after a moment of continued quiet, she extended her upturned palm, "Can I have your hand?"
Perplexed, Diarmuid obeyed. His hand seemed massive in comparison to her dainty touch, as she guided it to his sternum and pressed down lightly. She looked him in the eye with conviction, yet spoke delicately,
"Do you feel that? That's your heartbeat. And yes, it beats because of my mana, but Diarmuid, that doesn't define you, or mean your existence is valued any less, or differently."
His throat bobbed, his hand beginning to shake, yet she went on, "You're a sentient being; someone capable of making decisions, getting hurt, and feeling emotions." She released his hand. "...And that that is something that needs to be respected."
Hot tears pricked the corner of his eyes, and as they slipped down his cheeks, Haley hesitantly reached forward, and gently thumbed them away, "Copy, the real hero, who cares? You are you, and how you feel will always matter, especially to me. So please, strive to accomplish whatever you want right now, in this, and in any future moment, and I'll support you. No matter what."
"Master…I…" Diarmuid blinked away his grateful tears, unable to articulate properly how her statement affected him.
His aspirations, whether his own or not, when had they ever been considered? His former honor and dismantled pride—it was once all he longed for, that path of faithfulness a maze throughout both lives, seemingly unattainable.
At present, Haley only echoed her previous statements loudly. No hint of foolish enchantment by his Mystic Face, just bold conviction to his wishes, whatever they may be, and he believed her.
Gentle. Kind. Her friend's words found themselves repeating in his head as he felt the full weight of them. Briscella claimed the Grail War could destroy his Master, and after all he had witnessed in the 4th Heaven's Feel, he believed it. If nothing else, his sole ambition was to satisfy his oath to both of them for her safe exit from this War.
For now, that would suffice to compensate for his lack of intent towards anything else.
"Thank you, Lady Haley." Diarmuid bowed slightly, his fist at his chest. "You have given me much to think about, but I must express my gratitude."
"Of course…I just hope that even with my bounty, I can make sure it's different, better for you, somehow." Haley said, her shoulders slumping.
"It already is. Serving you has offered me opportunities I had thought long lost. You…have been wonderful. I am nothing but proud to be your Servant."
He took a glimpse of Haley's reddening features, as she turned back to the sunset with a strained chuckle. He almost laughed, realizing indeed such compliments summoned her bashfulness. And however uncertain he was, Diarmuid adjusted himself to rest his temple on her shoulder to tease her timid nature.
His Master stiffened, her swallow audible before she hooked her arm under his to hold on to his waist, and pulled him closer.
Surprisingly, as the tension died, their closeness removed the shackles of worry chained to his heart. For once, Diarmuid allowed himself to feel relief and comfort in their vulnerability.
"Twice in two days, you've given me comfort." He said almost too quietly. "I hope it not too much."
"It's okay," Haley replied, applying pressure to his ribs and shifting his head into her lap, "Before you say anything, just…relax, okay? I've read…this helps. It's supposed to be soothing…or something…If…if I'm being too overbearing—"
Lancer looked up at her, a bit taken aback, but she refused to look at him. At the corner of his heart, it told him her reddened face meant to be wary. Though he ignored it, his suspicions be damned. Her eyes remained clear and bright. The way she sputtered must be because of how uncertain she was.
And he started it, he supposed.
"It is fine," Lancer said, positioning himself to be comfortable, "Though I believe you are supposed to smooth your hands through my hair." He finished with a wicked grin, closing his eyes.
"H-huh? Uhm..O-Okay…l-like this?"
Haley's trembling fingers tangled themselves in his thick, raven locks, brushed against his scalp, and once she found her nerve; slowed to a pleasing rhythm. He nodded into her touch.
"Astounding…" He answered, feeling the most at-ease he had felt in some time and quite uplifted.
Admittedly, being so unraveled after approaching this life so guarded was startling. The way his Master tore down his walls of uncertainty so quickly even more so. Nevertheless, moving forward meant putting aside these apprehensions. Yes, he would be swinging his faith blindly yet again, but…he determined this life was worth it. He entrusted his faith in his Master.
Diarmuid only pleaded with fate to not tragically steal his contentment away yet again.
ooooooooo
This chapter has one of, if not my favorite, dialogue portions between Haley and Diarmuid. The way she reassures him that he's still a person, or at least, she values him as such regardless of him being a Heroic Spirit, is super touching. She wants to give his temporary life meaning, regardless if he's the true Heroic Spirit or just a copy. And yet, has no idea how to give head pats hahahahahaha. But she is trying, and maybe with some disregard to her own well-being...And then good ole Diar, opening up and becoming more like his quick quip, semi-flirtatious self. Because come on, you know he was flirtin and teasing Saber withhaha
Anyway, this fic is meant to be more emotional and comforting the other during dark times, and I think it's accomplishing that in a good way! Going back and repeatting the past is a little annoying, but hopefully I can have Diarmuid in higher spirits now. My whole thing, especially with FGO, is he just...throws away all of that emotion you see episode 16/and the light novel. He sees Arturia and is like, "oh cool shes an ally, I'll rely on her sword" but like..really? that his only reaction after literally condemning her to hell? After taking Kayneth's verbal abuse over and over, and thinking she had something to do with his underhanded way of death? Nonsense.
Diarmuid is shown to be an emotional character throughout, man is gonna have some damn feelings lol
Anyway, hope you enjoyed, and look forward to the next chapter! I'd love to hear your thoughts. I'll admit, it gets to me sometimes, and is a little discouraging, when I don't see comments. I never want to pressure anyone, of course, but I love hearing what people think! Good and bad!
Hopefully you have a great week!