"Atsushi-kun. Atsushi-kun. Atsushi-kun. Atsushi-kun! Oiiiii, Atsushi-kuuuunnnnn!"
A shrill voice rang out from the side of our dear protagonist, belonging to none other than the ex-mafioso himself, Osamu Dazai, the weretiger's mentor, close friend and…
Crush.
Through thick and thin, Atsushi and Dazai had stuck together. The seemingly goofy bandaged man had become one of the many people Atsushi had learned to trust, to value the friendship of, and finally, to cherish. And before he knew it, before he could even process it or do anything about it, the absolute terror called love and struck him in the gut, knocking him to his knees and leaving him breathless (in a good way, though!) He had fallen so deeply for the beautiful suicidal maniac of a man breathing in his ear, and he had no idea what to-
Wait, breathing in his ear?!
"Atsushi-kun?"
Dazai stared at him, his usually blank eyes filled with some semblance of what appeared to be concern, and something else. A small pout played on the man child's lips.
"Eh? I'm sorry, what did you say? I completely zoned out…"
Atsushi let out a nervous chuckle that had to be fake, forcing it out of his throat like a vegetable stuck in his throat. A small blush coated his cheeks as he realized he had zoned out staring at his face. His handsome, handsome face…
Dazai gave the tiger an incredulous look.
"You've been doing that a lot lately! I'm aware my beauty rivals that of the sun, but if you stare at me any longer, those pretty sunset eyes of yours might melt out of your sockets~ I-
The suicidal detective dramatically tossed his paperwork onto a certain idealist's desk, something he'd surely get slapped and scolded for later. It was just like Dazai to live in the moment, wasn't it? As he continued babbling about god knows what, but three words rang in Atsushi's ears like music and played in his mind like a beautiful broken record.
Pretty sunset eyes.
Pretty sunset eyes.
Dazai-san thinks my eyes look like a sunset, he thinks they're pretty and he thinks they look like a sunset-
It took a while for Atsushi to center himself again, but when he did, he was met with the empty stare of his mentor, who had long since stopped speaking.
"Ahahaha… I'm such a… ditzy baka…"
Great job, Atsushi, you absolutely idiotic weretiger airheaded stupid-
"Atsushi-kun..."
If Dazai looked a little worried before, now he looked straight up concerned. Or, as concerned as Osamu Dazai can look with those empty chestnut eyes and coy smirk. Now, his lips pressed into a thin line of a lazy smile, gaze indiscernible. Atsushi thought he might melt under that gaze, so hot and cold at the same time. There were many reasons why he loved Dazai, his looks, intelligence, confidence was only a fraction of what he had grown to adore about him. He should really get rid of these feelings soon, though. Atsushi definitely had no chance with his mentor, after all, it was obvious Dazai was only interested in women, and he probably only saw him as some stupid kid he had to take care of. Plus, who would ever like someone like Atsushi? Just the very thought of someone romantically liking him made him want to burst out in laughter (and tears).
"What's the matter?"
"Noth-"
Dazai smirks.
"Can't lie to a liar, At-su-shi-kuuun~"
Dazai hummed, happily cutting him off. While his tone remained as playful as ever, to someone who's known him for a substantial amount of time, it wasn't hard to grasp the weight behind his words.
Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit- I made Dazai-san worried!
"I'm just t-tired, I've had a lot of wo-work lately and Kunikida-san's been, um, taking me out on more missions and, uh…"
"Missions?!?! Without your dear mentor?! I'll have to give Kunikida-kun a firm talking to! Please, do tell me all about the missions I wasn't invited on~~"
"..."
If only he knew how "dear" he actually is to me. Shut up, brain. Jeez, I should really know better than to lie to Dazai-san by now. How stupid can I get? You've brought this situation upon yourself. Say something, Nakajima. Come on, come on, you can do it.
Atsushi grumbled bitterly in his head, frown deepening. How the hell is this man so perceptive?
The detective sighed, closing his eyes as if he was in deep thought. He placed a finger on his chin and hummed thoughtfully.
"I know something's bothering you, my dearest Atsushi-kun~"
Atsushi's heart had to have skipped a few beats! My dearest. Shut up, don't be delusional.
"What it is, I can't say. But…"
Dazai pauses, brows furrowed in an emotion the silverette couldn't quite make out.
"But I can't say I like it."
Was that actual genuineness he was hearing in his voice?! Sincerity be damned. He had really gotten used to his friend's dramaticness and wildly comical mannerisms. His goofy and laid back nature made Dazai Dazai, after all. Of course, mixed in and under that act perhaps a darker undertone that seemed to unveil itself at the most random times.
"I consider everyone at the Armed Detective Agency a friend, of course (except for nasty ol' Kunikida-kun)! But as I am your mentor, it's safe to say that I care for you a great deal. And if something is really bothering you, you should know you can speak to me. And if it's someone… Then I know you can handle them. Atsushi-kun is strong! But that still doesn't mean you don't have to tell me! I am your precious mentor, riiiight???" Dazai sang, swaying a little in his office chair and knocking a few casual classified documents onto the dusty office ground.
But that really felt genuine? Atsushi had a feeling that maybe for once that Dazai was being sincere. His words made his heart speed up just a bit (okay, maybe a lot) and maybe his cheeks were flushed a little pink (or bright red). But who cares? Dazai cares about him!
"You're so precious to me, Dazai-san. You saved me and gave me a place, a family."
Of course, our naive little weretiger didn't stop there!
"I've met so many wonderful people like Kunikida-san, Yosano-san, Kyoka-chan, Kenji-san…. and I've gotten so much stronger all thanks to you! I even know how to control my tiger side now! Heh, as usual, you're right, but you've gotta know by now that you're very precious to everyone at the Agency (even Kunikida-san)! And especially to me. You taught me how to..."
How to love.
Atsushi weakly trailed off, his heart practically sinking to his toes. He couldn't say that. Not now. Not yet. Not ever. His mentor would never reciprocate his feelings. Why would someone as beautiful and immaculate as Osamu Dazai love someone as broken as Nakajima Atsushi? In between cups of breakroom coffee and fighting for their lives, Atsushi figured that maybe Dazai was a little broken, too. And that was definitely okay. But he still deserved infinitely better than his hot mess-
Abruptly cutting off his train of thought, slim and cool fingers lifted his chin, heterochromatic met blank, burning brown. The weretiger's breath hitched. Their faces were so close, Atsushi swore he could feel the older's breath, and…
"Atsushi."
Atsushi's eyes widened at the sudden drop of the honorific.
Huh?
"You're too kind for your own good for your own good ya know?"
Dazai groans and ruffles his hand in his messy brunette locks, with a forced looking smile. His words served as a bit of a system shock to Atsushi. Where'd that come from??
"Lying isn't morally upright, Dazai-san."
"I'm not lying! You're so reckless, to the point of stupidity. You're kind to a fault, prioritizing others' happiness before yourself. You think yourself worthless, which is why you're so eager to put your life on the line for people you believe are above you in every way, shape and form. What you don't seem to understand is that everyone just loves you, Atsushi-kun. Your heart is pure. You still have some growing to do, but you get stronger every day and I, I adore you. You're not worthless. You're-"
Even as Dazai cuts himself off, the genuine warmth that seemed to ooze from his voice, softness etched into his usually mysterious and sharp features, the tenderness laced in his voice, that damn voice that Atsushi thought was the most lovely sound in the world. And to top it all off, the icing on cake, a pretty pink blush coated the bandaged man's cheeks. For once, Osamu Dazai, stood without his cocky ass smile. He looked just a bit flustered. Atsushi would usually chalk that up to wishful thinking, but something in Atsushi's heart felt that the man was telling the truth. For once. And knowing that someone as lowly as Atsushi could invoke that feeling in someone as untouchable as Dazai, almost killed him. No, Dazai apparently (hopefully) didn't think he was worthless. A part of Atsushi couldn't believe it. But hey, that validation was more than enou-
"-the boy I fell in love with."
Eh?
"The boy with the pretty sunset eyes who dragged me out of that river, somehow ended up becoming my lovely subordinate, then you began growing on me like fungus and goddammit, everything and everyone good in my life has just-just left me or died, and I know I'm fucking selfish for wanting more from you, more of you than you've already given me but I can't help it, when I'm with you I just want more from you, I just want to take and take. You make me want to live just a little bit longer."
What? What the hell is going on? Did Dazai-san just confess to him? To him, Nakajima Atsushi, present day orphan and former street rat? A skinny little thing with no redeeming qualities or features? It had to be a joke. A very sick joke, and normally Atsushi would laugh at Dazai's humor, but this one really stung. Even worse than the hunger pains and violent beatings he had been subjected to back at the orphanage.
"Stop."
Atsushi's words already came out choked, pained, Try as he might, his vision was already blurring with a very familiar warm water. He turned away from Dazai, not being able to meet the taller man's gaze. If he did, he was afraid he would just break right there. He let out a hollow chuckle.
"That's not fair. That's really not fair, Dazai-san. You can't pretend to love me or even pretend to show any interest in me. I know, I know I'm ugly, and I'm stupid and I'm just so, so gullible for you and clumsy and I have terrible social skills, trust me, I know. But you can't make sick jokes like that. Even you can't play with my feelings, with my heart like this!"
Atsushi clutched his chest, trembling like a pathetic child. He felt every part of his body burn with embarrassment and hurt as he tried to swallow the big and painful lump in his throat. He felt some tears drip down his face. Why do you have to be such a crybaby? He knew already that Dazai didn't like him back, and that his teasing nature was in his blood. But even for a joke, damn, he can't deny that this was starting to feel really bad. He had to leave. Leave with his tail between his legs. How had this conversation taken such a sharp turn?
Atsushi quickly turned to leave, but before the ability user could even blink, he felt himself being pushed down to the ground of his office by two bandaged hands and a heavy but lean weight that lay on top of his slender figure gave away the culprit, feeling the scratch of familiar and comforting bandages itching into his wrists and the lovely scent of pinewood and whiskey and that cool but devilishly warm and rough touch all belonging to Dazai and only Dazai always Dazai flooded his senses and getting him on that deliciously addictive high that was love and just…. Just Dazai.
Foolishly, he finally met the eyes of his beautiful tormenter and when he did, couldn't help but shudder. They were filled to the brim with the emotion Atsushi could finally identify as love. Those dark chestnut eyes swirled with it, along with sadness, sincerity, concern, genuine humor. All emotions Atsushi thought he would never associate with his mentor. Especially not directed at him. Dazai's hand cupped his cheek, caressing it so softly, Atsushi consciously leaned into the touch, not finding it in himself to care about how unworthy of it he was. No matter how much he struggled, Dazai had him pinned down, and he doubted he would be letting him go for a while.
"It wasn't a joke. For the first time in my life, I'm being sincere, Nakajima Atsushi. I love you. It's true, when I first met you, I wasn't planning on becoming your mentor or even getting close to you. Yet I still somehow found myself falling love with you, to the point I was literally terrified of myself. Everytime I look into those stupidly pretty sunset eyes of yours, I realize that I'd rather be gazing into that mesmerizing purple and orange than the empty of black of death. Everything I could ever want, I lose it the moment I obtain it. I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you, and I'll be damned if I let you because you're insecure. You're not ugly, stupid, and your gullibility, clumsiness and social awkwardness make me love you even more! I love you. I really love you and even if you don't love me or will never love me back, I'll always love you. Though, judging by the look on that cute face of yours, you definitely feel the same way~~!"
Atsushi was much too dazed to acknowledge any embarrassment that was definitely burning his face up, however. Dazai liked him. Not only that, but he was in love with him? Even with all of his faults and flaws, Dazai loved him for him. He made him not want to die… he doesn't want to lose him. He loves me. He loves me. He pinned me to the floor and he's on top of me, shit…!
"IloveyouttooIloveyyoualotIcan'tbelieveyoulovemetoo-!"
"Gods, Atsushi, you…-"
The raspiness of Dazai's throat surprised him, and he rested his forehead against the weretiger's, eyes alight with a fire he had never seen before, all he could do was pray that those flames swallowed his being whole. Closer. Their lips were getting closer but he wanted, needed to be closer to his precious mentor, he wanted to touch him, wanted to-
"OI, YOU DAMN IDIOTS NO SLACKING OFF AT WORK!!! DAZAI, STOP HARASSING YOUR SUBORDINATE!"
The Agency door abruptly flew open, and a very angry Kunikida with a tired little Kyoka stood in the doorway. Kunikida fumed, pulling the new lovers apart much to the chagrin of Dazai and forcing them to their feet.
"Damn it! Mood Killer Kunikida-kun strikes again!!!"
"SHUT UP! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO KILL ANY MOOD IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU TWO ARE AT WORK-"
Kyoka lets a rare, quiet smile play on her lips as she patted the head of the embarrassed tomato.
"Don't let Dazai-san's sweet talk about your "pretty sunset eyes" get you too weak, Atsu-nii…"
"How long have you and Kunikida-san even been listening?!"
"..."
"Kyoka-chan…"
"He's your knight in tattered bandages!"
"Ooooh, I like that one, Kyoka-chan~ I guess I really am your knight in tattered bandages, eh, Atsushi-kuuunnn???~~~~"
"OI, YOU SHUT UP, YOU HAVE WORK-"
A/N: Whoo, this was my first fanfic! TYSM for reading! I love BSD and I'm happy I finally got tp write for it. This will probably be crossposted on AO3 in a few weeks, but my account name may be changed since I don't know if it's already taken, haven't gotten my invite yet! If so, I'll change it on here as well :) stay healthy and drink water.
-lavieenrose8509