Mikey felt his breath quicken as he retyped the name in again. And again. And again.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

"Donnie!" Mikey screamed. "Raph!" He stumbled as he pulled himself off the floor. "Dad! April!" He made it a few feet before his legs gave way and he tumbled to the ground.

Mikey tried to scream again, to call for his brothers, but his chest was tight and his throat was closing. Leo was gone. He could barely breathe, let alone scream. The world felt like static, buzzing against him on all sides and burning his fingers. Leo was gone. There was nothing he could do but curl around himself, forehead pressed on the floor, knees in his stomach, beg his legs to work and lungs to breathe because Leo was gone and who knows where he could be or what could have happened to him and he could be dying again. Mikey shut his burning eyes against the static and tried to block it all out, retreat into his mind, and stay hidden. But even there wasn't safe. All his mind could show him was Leo, laying broken on the ground as Mikey closed the portal. Leo slumped over in some alley. Leo, sitting in a pool of blood. Leo—

"—key. Mikey, what happened?" A voice cut through the static. Loud and steadfast, grounding Mikey long enough for him to remember where he was.

"Raph…?" It took so much to get the word past the blockade in his throat, only for it to get swallowed by the floor.

"Yeah, it's me."

"Raph, he's gone." The last word was choked out, almost lost in a sudden sob that left Mikey's face wet.

"Who's gone?" Raph asked again, but Mikey couldn't answer. The sobs kept coming, wracking his body and leaving him ever more breathless than he was before.

"Shit." Donnie's voice was low, low enough that the rest of what he said was lost to the static. It was all too much, and Mikey pulled himself into his shell. The static followed, and his throat was still tight, and his mind still showing him horrifying possibilities, but he felt just a bit calmer with the added pressure on all sides, tucked away from the world. He felt someone pick him up (Raph probably) and hold him in his lap, rubbing small circles into his shell. As much as it comforted Mikey, a part of him cried out in pain because Raph could be looking for Leo now, and He needs to be out there helping him, not coddling me. Eventually, Mikey's breaths evened out. Then, he just started crying. Large, ugly sobs filled the air as he uncurled out of his shell to bury himself in Raph's arms.

"Hey, Big Man, I'm here. I've got you." Raph whispered reassurances to his youngest brother, continuing to rub circles onto his shell. "We're all okay, I promise. Breathe, buddy, breathe."

"Leo—" Mikey gasped between tears.

"Donnie's calling him back right now. Just focus on breathing, okay?" Mikey gave a stiff nod and followed Raph along in a deep breathing exercise. Slowly but surely, his throat loosened and the breaths came easier. Raph's steadfast presence grounded Mikey, even when his thoughts wandered back to Leo.

Who, speak of the devil, came running in right then.

"What's going on? Donnie called—" Leo barely walked in the doorway before Mikey launched himself at his older brother, toppling onto the floor in the process.

"Leo!" Mikey sobbed, a fresh wave of tears springing to life as he squeezed Leo tightly.

"Mikey? Angelo, what's wrong? What happened?" Leo spoke softly, returning the hug in full.

"You— I didn't know where you were—" It sounded so stupid, but Mikey pushed those thoughts aside and buried his face in his brother's chest. "I thought I lost you."

"Oh, buddy." Leo's voice was small, almost broken. "You're not going to lose me. I'm sticking around whether you like it or not."

Mikey wished he could believe that.

Eventually, the tears subsided and Mikey managed to pry himself off of Leo, settling for sitting in his lap. When he finally lifted his eyes to the rest of the room, he took in the sight before him. Raph and Donnie sat close by, a platter of drinks on the floor between them with two mugs left. Wordlessly, Donnie handed them to the two. As Mikey reached out to grab the cup, he noticed how bad his hands were shaking. The hot chocolate sloshed around as he brought it to his lips for a drink. Letting the hot chocolate warm his insides, Mikey took a shaky breath.

"I'm sorry." His voice was low and small, almost fractured, yet it filled the silence.

"What for?" Donnie said.

"For freaking out like that. I—"

"Bullshit." Donnie cut him off. "Don't apologize for that. You didn't do anything wrong."

"But—"

"Mikey," Raph said. "It's okay. No one is upset with you or anything like that. If anything, we're just a little worried."

"But that's it!" Mikey clenched his mug. "I shouldn't be worrying you with this. I'm old enough to handle my own problems. Especially when it's something as stupid as this."

"Mikey," Raph said. "I seem to remember a certain Doctor telling me that my feelings and emotions are valid no matter how 'stupid' I think they are." Mikey felt his face burn slightly at the reminder. He knew that. He knew his feelings were valid and that he experienced trauma just like his brothers but that didn't make him feel any better. He was the one who read psychology books for fun, he should know better than anyone here how to handle his feelings.

"I should still be able to deal with it though. I shouldn't have to rely on you guys all the time."

"Mikey, you don't have to rely on us, but we want you to. That's what family does." Donnie said.

All Mikey could muster in reply was a small "Okay."

A beat of silence passed before Leo spoke up. "Hey, Michael. If you feel comfortable talking about it…" He paused for a moment. "What happened? Why were you freaking out?"

"It— Forget it. It's stupid." Mikey shoved the topic aside, ignoring the look he got from Raph about using 'stupid' again.

"I don't care if it's because you thought you saw a spider, I want to know what freaked you out so that I can help. Even if that's just by buying you some bug spray." Mikey knew that Leo wasn't going to drop it and that it was good to share your problems with others, (no matter how much he hated that, it was a fact. Plus if he didn't now then he would never be able to get his brothers to open up again because he'd be a hypocrite.), so he caved.

"I didn't know where you were." His gut twisted. It sounded even dumber out loud, but Mikey pressed on. "Your tracker disappeared from the map and I freaked out because I didn't know where you were." The floodgates were open now. "A-and I couldn't stop thinking, what if something happened to you? What if something had already happened? You could be hurt or even worse and I wouldn't be able to do anything and you'd die again and—" Mikey looked at Leo, and balked at his face. Leo was gaping at him, eyes full of emotion. "And yeah. That's it." He finished quickly.

"Mikey…" Leo started quietly, before being interrupted by Donnie.

"Is that why you're always checking on everyone? Because you think something will happen when you're not there?"

Mikey bit the inside of his mouth and clenched his fists. "Michael?" Donnie prodded.
"I told you it was stupid."
"It's not stupid, Michelangelo," Raph said, pulling out his full name. Things were serious now. "I do the same thing sometimes."
That ground Mikey's thoughts to a halt. "What?"
"I've never done well with being alone, but after the invasion… Sometimes I just need to see you guys to shut the bad part of my brain up." Raph gave Mikey a smile. Mikey took another sip of his hot chocolate to cover up the stinging in his eyes.
"And I found what messed up the app, by the way," Donnie interjected. "Its connection got messed up because of a system update that ran through the trackers, but not any of my software. It's all updating as we speak."
"Thanks, Dee," Mikey said before yawning.
"You tired?" Raph said. Mikey hummed in response, drinking the last of his hot chocolate and resting his head on Leo's shoulder.

The exhaustion from his panic attack and breakdown catching up to him.

"You wanna go to bed?" Leo asked. Mikey shook his head and curled up tighter into his brother's chest. Being away from any of them felt like just too much.

"How about a cuddle pile in the living room?" Raph suggested. "We haven't done one of those in a while. Would you be up for that, Donnie?"

"Let me grab my things."

The world was hazy and warm, and Mikey was fighting to keep his eyes open. Not because he didn't want to sleep, that sounded amazing, but because he didn't want this moment to end. A Jupiter Jim movie played on the TV and was the only light illuminating the room. The volume was low, but they had seen the film so many times that it wasn't even necessary. He was laying on a pile of blankets and pillows scavenged from all around the lair. Raph's arm lay over Mikey and he could hear the soft rumbling of Raph's snores from behind him. Leo was on Raph's back, cracking a witty joke every now and then about the movie, though even he was starting to slow down. Donnie was leaning against Raph with a soft blue light illuminating his own face (Either he was working on his tech, or he had fallen asleep with it still on. Both equally possible.). It was the first time Mikey had truly felt safe, completely and utterly safe, since before the invasion.

A blanket was draped over Mikey, and he looked around. Splinter was there, holding the few blankets that the turtles had managed to miss when looking for supplies. He handed them to Donnie and Leo and placed the last one over what he could of Raph.

"G'night, dad," Mikey muttered, yawning at the effort it took to talk.

"Goodnight, Orange. Sweet dreams." A gentle kiss was pressed to his forehead. Then, in an even quieter voice under his breath. "I really need to find someone for you boys to talk to." Mikey barely registered the meaning behind the words, basking in the warmth from the blanket and affection from his family.

Splinter quietly took his leave, scurrying out the door. Mikey felt another yawn split his face and he let his eyes drift shut. The sounds of the room became a white noise, washing over him. When he opened his eyes again, the credits were rolling and Donnie was moving around the room.

"Dee? Whazzup?" Mikey slurred his words as he spoke.

"Just putting another movie in, Leo and I are still up. Go back to sleep." They wouldn't make it through the next movie, Mikey could see how sluggishly Donnie was moving.

"'kay… love you," Mikey mumbled and closed his eyes again.

"Love you too Mikey." His brothers chorused. With that reassurance, Mikey let himself free fall into a peaceful slumber.

A/N The turtle pile at the end is heavily inspired by this absolutely adorable drawing (and also like, all art of this scenario that I've ever seen but specifically this one.) awhphooey/690764558920466433/cuddle-pile-cause-i-wanted-it?source=share