Kuroko awoke the next morning feeling just as restless and tired as she had the day before. This fact, naturally, annoyed the shit out of her, but there wasn't a lot she could do about it. In fact, it was a feeling she wasn't altogether unfamiliar with; her last job in that other life had required her to work overnight, so she had become used to keeping odd hours and not getting as much sleep as someone might working a regular 9-5 job. That didn't mean that she liked it, though, or that she wanted to become intimately familiar with that sensation again.
Maybe she should look into getting some sleeping pills or something, if it was going to be a problem for her…
Adding further to her irritation, it was something that even Komaki remarked on as her roommate got ready for the morning.
"Are you alright, Shirai? You look exhausted."
Kuroko grimaced, issuing a small sigh before she waved off her roommate's concern. "I'm fine, really. Just had trouble getting to sleep last night…"
Okay, maybe she should make getting sleeping pills, or a prescription from Heaven Canceller, a higher priority. The last thing she wanted was to end up looking like death warmed over, or worse, Harumi Kiyama.
Well, okay, to be fair, Harumi was still an attractive woman despite her less than conventional looks—
Nope, she was cutting off that train of thought right there. It was weird enough having certain thoughts about fictional characters that were now real people, and it was doubly weird to have those thoughts with this body.
Kuroko visited the bathroom briefly, applying the lightest touch of makeup to help make the bags under her eyes appear less noticeable. A light touch, mainly because the Tokiwadai school rules forbid the use of makeup—which in turn made it something of a game for the students to use it anyway, but only the lightest amount to try and go unnoticed by the school staff. It was, quite frankly, an annoying rule, but Kuroko didn't dare push it anymore than she was right now. She'd already had an altercation with the Dorm Supervisor very recently, so she didn't want to do anything to get her neck snapped again.
At any rate, after that, she dressed herself appropriately for school and left the dorm with her roommate. Komaki shot her a curious look as they walked along, her eyes trailing over the new necklace Kuroko was wearing, but she didn't question her on it at that moment. A fact that Kuroko was rather thankful for, given she wasn't even sure what she'd say if pressed on it.
Her free hand idly toyed with the necklace as they walked along, the cool metal of the golden cross feeling pleasant against her fingers. She hadn't gone out of her way to purchase this at the mall the other day, but once she laid eyes on it, it had been impossible to resist.
Kuroko felt a small pang in her heart, an uncomfortable sensation similar to the one she'd experienced when she'd first seen this necklace yesterday. It had, initially, made her want to ignore the cross necklace entirely, but all the same, she'd felt…compelled to take it. The metaphorical weight it brought with it had proven heavier than she'd anticipated, but even now, she didn't want to take it off.
It…reminded her of Home, in many ways. And because of that, it brought up a myriad of mixed signals and sensations within her.
She'd been a devout Christian for most of his life in that other world, raised by a pair of equally devout Christian ministers operating within the Salvation Army. That surety of faith and devotion to God had become less fervent, however, as he had gotten older. He'd still retained an overall faith and belief in Christianity, but his mind had become more open and accepting to other beliefs and lifestyles, and his strength of faith…lessened, to a degree.
But what did that faith mean now, in this new life?
Kuroko Shirai had been raised in a traditionalist household, with secular views when it came to religion. Shirai and her family had paid respect to old Shinto beliefs and customs, of course, but aside from that…it had been a relatively secular upbringing. But now, she had memories of being a Protestant…and furthermore, had the knowledge that God, with a capital G, had a fair chance of actually being real here. Or at least, some fucked up Magic God version of Him, or something. After all, she knew that Angels existed in this world, so why not Yahweh as well? Not to mention that some otherworldly power must have brought her here…right?
It was the sort of existentialist religious crisis that honestly made Kuroko want to laugh. Undeniable proof of the Christian God would have made her ecstatic in that old life and revitalized the faith within her. Now? Now, she honestly wasn't sure what to think. What good was that faith now, when she'd been forced here into this messed up world, and crammed inside the head of another living being, to boot? How fucked up was that? Was that really all part of God's divine plan?
…
So, understandably, Kuroko had some mixed feelings about her old—new—faith. And yet, despite that uncertainty, despite those conflicted emotions…
Well, a part of her still yearned for any sense of comfort she could get in these trying times. And, well, faith in general could be a great sense of comfort for those in need.
…
Maybe, someday soon, she should find a church in Academy City, and…attend services. It might…help her, perhaps.
Of course, she'd have to make sure it wasn't a Catholic church. As Alexander Anderson would say, she was a crazy Protestant bastard, thank you very much. Plus, the Catholic Church had seemingly never left the Medieval period, given that in this setting they were insane, genocidal maniacs, and she wanted nothing to do with that.
Regardless, Kuroko put such thoughts aside as she and Komaki finally made it to Tokiwadai. With such morbid thoughts filling her head, she was honestly glad to have her morning classes to take her mind off of such things.
Kuroko honestly wasn't surprised when she found herself intercepted during lunchtime: it seemed to be a growing trend, all things considered. What did surprise her, though, were the people who came to talk with her.
It took her a moment to place them; she had to dig back in Kuroko Shirai's memories to fully recall the two girls that approached her. But Kuroko Shirai had made a point of memorizing the names and faces of the clique leaders at Tokiwadai, so thankfully she was able to recall that knowledge as well. Thank goodness for that.
"Good afternoon, Miss Shirai," said Mashiro Iori, a girl with lavender eyes and long, pink hair styled into ringlet curls. Her bare legs briefly attracted Kuroko's attention, making her think for a split second that she was barefoot, but her shoes and ankle-high socks cleared up that confusion.
"Good afternoon," greeted Kamino, the other girl standing side-by-side with Iori. In contrast to her companion, she had wavy brown hair tied into a waist-length ponytail, and a smile that for reasons Kuroko couldn't quite describe, made her feel ill at ease.
Likewise, seeing Kamino's square pupils stare over at her sent an uncomfortable shiver down her spine. It was a gaze that hinted at something greater, some sublime scheme of mischief that had yet to unfold, or so she thought.
"Miss Iori, Miss Kamino," Kuroko greeted them in turn, nodding at them politely. "It's a pleasure to meet you both."
In the brief time it took to get that sentence out, she gained first hand proof that Kamino did, in fact, have untoward intentions toward her. Though even she was surprised at just how quickly it all happened, as Kamino made her move before she could even think to stop her.
Her eye twitched faintly in the aftermath, the only telltale sign of her true annoyance shining through.
"Kamino and I were hoping to have a moment of your time," Iori continued after a slight pause, glancing at her companion before smiling pleasantly at her. "As were the other Clique leaders, as it so happens. Would you mind coming with us?"
"Certainly, I…would not be against that," she stated, pausing slightly in her speech as she spoke. At the same time, her eye gave another annoyed twitch.
"Splendid!" Iori seemed quite pleased with her decision…though her expression faltered slightly as she glanced back over at Kamino, clearly uncertain at what to do over her antics.
None of them said anything for a good, long moment. Finally, Kuroko couldn't take it any longer, and directed her ire to the object of her displeasure.
"Miss Kamino, I would love to accompany you both, but I seem to be stuck in place," she said, her voice sickly sweet and just barely hiding the venom of her tone.
"My, that does seem to be quite the predicament," Kamino noted in a wry voice, issuing a small giggle.
Kuroko was fairly sure she was popping a vein at this point, and didn't even try to hide her anger this time around.
"Get off of me already!"
Kamino giggled again, and made no move to detach herself from her. Her arms were wrapped around her shoulders, practically hugging her from behind as Kamino herself gave no care to her personal space.
"Must I? You look so very cute, Miss Shirai. I simply couldn't help myself."
"I'm sure you couldn't," Kuroko noted with a snort.
She rolled her eyes, and teleported away, appearing next to Iori to finally free herself. A moment of lingering, awkward silence followed, with Iori clearly unsure of how to proceed. Kamino, for her part, only gave a small chuckle and an amused smile.
"Very well then, let us be off."
Kamino took the lead, Iori and Kuroko following after her a few seconds later. The older girl ended up leading her into what Kuroko assumed was an unused clubroom, a long table taking up the center of the room with several other students already seated. Students that she also remembered the names and faces for, after leafing through Kuroko Shirai's memories.
"Feel free to sit at the head of the table," Kamino gestured to the empty chair in question, before giving Kuroko a small wink. "Unless you'd rather share a seat with me?"
Kuroko felt her eye twitch again, but she refrained from saying anything this time. She wordlessly took her seat, her eyes briefly scanning over the other occupants in the room.
All of them were other faction leaders, of course. Mayui Kokuchou, a young girl with her hair braided into two front pigtails; Tazuna Kumamori, a girl wearing a hoodie with bear ears on top and also wearing a face mask; and, of course, there were Kamino herself, and Mashiro Iori, both of whom she had already met.
"Aren't there four other girls missing here?" she couldn't help but question. "This is supposed to be a meeting about joining a faction, right?"
"Well, Gaouin and Shokuhou weren't invited, given they've already pitched themselves to you separately," Kamino simply replied. "Inubushi refused to cooperate with the meeting; likely because of her wounded pride, I would guess. And Tatsuki is…late."
"If she's not here yet, she's forfeited her chance to speak," Iori huffed, crossing her arms.
"Quite so," Kamino noted with a small smile. "Very well then, I'd say we can begin. First off, you do have my apologies for springing this on you, Miss Shirai. But we all felt a need to act fast. We know that you're meeting with Shokuhou after school, so we felt this was our last, best effort at recruiting you for ourselves."
"I see…" Kuroko hummed, raising an eyebrow. "Is there a reason none of you approached me earlier in the week?"
"Oh, we tried! Believe me," Mayui spoke up, giving a disarming laugh. "But, well…"
"We all sabotaged each other's attempts to talk with you," Kamino finished, giving a small giggle to herself. "And I have to admit, some of those attempts even backfired on us by having you get closer to members of Shokuhou's clique."
"For the last time, I told you I didn't mean to release that python!" Iori testily spoke up, flushing in embarrassment. "How was I supposed to know that the new transfer student had a pet snake?!"
"...One of my faction members was cutting my hair when that thing got loose," Tazuna murmured darkly, glaring daggers at Iori. She tugged her hoodie tighter over her head and hissed, "I have a bald spot now. I am never going to forgive you, Mashiro Iori. I hope you've settled your affairs, because my vengeance will not be kind or gentle."
Iori looked away guiltily, doing her best to try and whistle innocently. She failed spectacularly at it.
Kamino politely ignored their outburst, and continued to elaborate. "Which has led us to this current predicament. Thus we ended up convening to declare this truce, so we could all make our own personal pitches."
Kuroko nodded at that, digesting her words as she leaned back in her chair.
Honestly, all this clique nonsense was such a waste of her time. But she didn't exactly want to be rude to them, or make any unnecessary enemies here. She just had to figure out a polite, diplomatic way to turn them all down…
"Ooh, nice panties, freshman."
A few moments of silence followed that odd, inappropriate statement. Kuroko blinked, glancing at the other girls with growing confusion. None of them had said that, but she'd clearly heard that all the same. Actually, hadn't it sounded like it'd come from…below the table?
Slowly, Kuroko glanced down to look beneath the table. Once she did so, she saw a head sticking out from under the floor.
"Jesus fucking Christ!" Kuroko yelped, jumping back from her chair in a blind panic as she scrambled backwards.
Her chair clattered to the floor, covering up the ensuing snickers from the head under the table. Several of the other clique leaders looked for the source of her fright at that same time, and far from being shocked, they seemed almost…mildly annoyed at the ensuing discovery they made.
"Tatsuki," Iori growled out. "What did we say about scaring the freshman?"
"Oh come on, I was running late," Tatsuki shamelessly replied, the floor around her rippling like water as she started crawling out of it.
She climbed out from under the table in short order, revealing her long black hair. Only belatedly, did Kuroko fully recognize her as Mirei Tatsuki, the other missing faction leader. Though seeing her hair and face was as far as Kuroko's gaze went. Her face swiftly broke out into a heated blush, and she hastily covered up her eyes.
"Why are you naked?!"
"Because I didn't have time to go grab my swimsuit," Tatsuki stated, as if that explained everything.
Kuroko heard a chorus of sighs from the rest of the girls, and the sound of movement followed very swiftly thereafter. Someone must have anticipated this, because when Kuroko was told she could finally open her eyes, Tatsuki was fully clothed again.
"I have to say, I didn't think Miss Shirai would have such colorful language," Mayui remarked, her lips spread in a wide smile. "But, I don't exactly blame her. Tatsuki gave me quite the fright the first time she scared me like that."
"Ha! Good times. Although, I didn't think the freshman here would be such a prude," Mirei Tatsuki snickered, shooting her a delighted look. "I mean, we're all girls here. I really don't care if you stare. Actually, if it makes you wanna join my clique more, I'll let you know that you'd have all the time in the world to stare at my naked body."
"Now now, some younger girls just aren't ready for such things," Kamino tutted. Before Kuroko realized it, Kamino was suddenly at her side again, and brought her into a sudden hug, pressing the side of her face against her chest. "I'm here for you if you need comfort, Miss Shirai."
She started stroking her hair as she spoke, something that irritated her even further. Kuroko felt her hands twitch as her anger surged, and the idea of strangling Kamino then and there felt immensely tempting.
"...I will teleport a pencil into your throat," Kuroko stated matter-of-factly, her patience hanging on by a fragile thread.
Kamino gave an entertained chuckle in reply, and looked down at her with obvious glee. But she let go of her all the same, and helped her set her seat back up. From there, the meeting mercifully resumed its full course, now that all the clique leaders were present.
Their pitches were relatively simple, and easy to understand. Mayui tried to win her over with sheer force of Goodness and Sweetness, her personality so sugary-sweet and cheerful that Kuroko felt as if she'd get diabetes just by talking to her. Tatsuki was far more laid-back in her approach, and repeatedly asked her if she could experiment on her, whatever that meant. Kumamori seemed more interested in her puzzle cube than trying to seriously recruit her. Kamino and Iori, meanwhile, took this all a touch more seriously, giving her more specific offers that felt a touch more credible and enticing.
Well, mostly.
"I'll also dress you up in some cute clothes as well, if you're inclined," Kamino offered, her eyes sparkling with clear merriment. "I have plenty of old clothes lying around that I think would look adorable on you. How does that sound?"
Somehow, Kuroko managed to keep a straight face through all of that. She politely listened to them all, and in the end, gave a noncommittal answer as she politely deferred choosing a clique then and there. That seemed to satisfy most of the girls present, who could at least say they'd tried to recruit her now.
When the meeting concluded, and Kuroko was invited to eat together with the group, she reluctantly accepted. It wasn't like she had any better plans, at the moment. And it did offer her a valuable chance to get a better handle on the dynamics and personalities of the other faction leaders.
"I have plenty of extra here if you'd like to have some of mine, Miss Shirai," Kamino offered up, as she got her own lunch box out. "I could even feed you, if you'd like?"
She stared blankly at her in response, and Kamino simply gave another amused laugh.
The entire time afterward, Kuroko semi-seriously considered the various ways she could murder Tatsuki and Kamino and get away with it. Surely no one would miss such degenerates?
After the meeting, Kuroko was left with the firm impression that Mashiro Iori was the only sane woman there and that was saying something. It left her all the more determined to choose Iori's clique if she had to join a faction. She certainly wasn't about to join up with someone who'd give her a heart attack, like that exhibitionist Tatsuki. Nor was she inclined to team up with Kamino, who seemed liable to treat her as her own personal dress up doll. For that matter, Mayui seemed suspiciously sweet, which made her think that her whole persona had to be manufactured or something. As for Kumamori, frankly she wasn't even sure what her clique actually did.
Still, the meetup had been informative, if nothing else. She now had a fair idea as to the personalities of all the other clique leaders, and knew for certain which ones she had to avoid at all costs.
The rest of her afternoon classes passed by in a blur, and all too soon her school day came to an end. That, in turn, meant that her meeting with Misaki was right around the corner.
Kuroko paused at the school grounds, just before the entrance to Tokiwadai. She took a moment to compose herself, doing her best to smother her nerves as she readied herself. Today, she would be taking her first big, important step. Today, she'd try to recruit her first real ally. Today, she would be bearing her heart, mind, and soul to Misaki Shokuhou.
She could only hope that everything went well…
Kuroko nodded firmly to herself, and finally stepped outside the school gates. Sure enough, she could stop Misaki waiting for her nearby, said girl waving at her cheerily as she approached.
"Shirai! So glad you could make it," Shokuhou greeted her with a smile that reminded her far too much of Kamino. "I've been looking forward to this meeting all week, I must say."
"Well, I hope I don't disappoint," she murmured politely, double-checking that she couldn't see anyone else from Shokuhou's clique nearby. She seemed to be utterly alone, which made her thankful. That would make things far less complicated.
"So, as Komaki no doubt informed you, I promised you a free meal. I'll even let you choose where we're going," Misaki continued, giving her a small wink. "Anywhere at all in Academy City, your choice."
"My choice, eh?" Kuroko cocked her head, considering the generous offer. A smile steadily spread over her lips, and she said, "I think I have the perfect place in mind."
Shokuhou smiled in turn at that, though that smile became far more puzzled when Kuroko announced her decision.
Twenty minutes later, they were seated at a booth in Joseph's, where their orders were swiftly taken. Shokuhou looked even more puzzled at her choice of meal, but Kuroko didn't let it bother her at all, eager as she was for this particular dish. During the time they waited for their food, Kuroko exchanged pleasant small talk with Misaki, though she couldn't help but feel a little distracted. Partly because of the uneasy talk she knew would follow their meal, and partly because she was just looking forward to her order that much.
After fifteen minutes of waiting, their food was finally served to them. Kuroko resisted the urge to drool, and instead just licked her lips as she stared at the enticing, humongous burger plated in front of her.
"…I have to admit, I certainly didn't see someone like you picking a place like this, especially when I'm paying for everything," Misaki mused wryly, staring over at her burger in mild fascination. "Nor did I expect you to order something like that. You are…certainly full of surprises, Kuroko Shirai."
Kuroko gave a small shrug in response, too excited for words as she stared at her meal with a predatory hunger. She and Shokuhou started to properly eat soon thereafter, and Kuroko had to resist the urge to groan as she took her first bite of the juicy, appetizing hamburger.
God, she'd missed this. Kuroko Shirai had been ambivalent toward American/Western food, but he of course, had lived for the stuff. Hamburgers had been among his favorite meal items, and this was her first proper hamburger since her Awakening. And good lord, did it taste delicious. It was just what she needed at that moment. However greasy and ridiculously big it was, it tasted amazing, and that was all that mattered to her.
Oh, if only she could eat like this everyday…but the health-conscious part of Kuroko Shirai knew that this was a treat she'd need to partake in sparingly. She was not about to become fat and obese again, especially as a girl. Going through weight loss surgery was something she wanted to do only once, thank you very much.
Now, if she could just find a place that served a good chicken pot pie, chicken wings, or even decent Mexican food, she'd be in heaven…
Kuroko lost herself in the enjoyment of her meal, only exchanging the occasional, distracted bit of small talk with Misaki. Eventually, though, the two of them finished their food, Kuroko herself filling satisfyingly full.
"I have to say," Shokuhou began tilting her head in clear amusement. "I don't think I've seen a girl our age demolish a hamburger so eagerly as you did. You really are something special, aren't you, Shirai?"
"I just…hadn't had something like that in a long time," Kuroko deflected, giving a small shrug. "I guess I got a little carried away."
Misaki smiled wide at that, and leaned forward in her seat. "Well, now that we've both had a chance to eat something, I do wonder…have you given any thought to my offer? I would love to have you as part of my clique, you know. And there would be plenty of benefits to you joining me."
Kuroko gave a small sigh, her earlier joy fading as she switched to a more serious demeanor. She stared at Misaki for a long moment, wondering just what to say here, how to even begin this dialogue…
Well, maybe the best way was to just rip off the bandaid.
"Dolly is alive."
Misaki froze, her smile dropping as her eyes widened in shock. She stared at her for what felt like an eternity, her mouth partially hung open. Then, in a flash, Shokuhou's hand darted into her purse, and whipped out her remote.
The last thing Kuroko heard before everything went blank was a click from a button.
The next time Kuroko returned to consciousness, she was unsurprised to find herself in a completely different area. She seemed to be in what looked like a conference room now, with Misaki Shokuhou seated across from her. The girl in question had an inscrutable expression on her face, her hands interlocked together and pressed against her face as she stared at her.
Judging by the emptiness of her stomach, Kuroko could only guess a good couple hours had passed since their initial meal together, if not longer.
"So, I assume you've combed my head thoroughly?" she began, before Shokuhou could say anything. "Good, that makes this easier."
"…" Misaki was initially silent, still staring at her with that certain look in her eyes. But, after a few moments, she gave a sigh and shook her head.
"…There were easier ways to get my attention, you know. Ways less liable to give me a heart attack. For instance, you could have just asked me to read your mind," she remarked, shooting her an exasperated look.
"Ah…" Kuroko blinked, and had the good grace to look somewhat apologetic in the face of that point. However, she still couldn't help but say:
"…But it still worked, didn't it?"
"For a while there, I was convinced you were a plant sent by Gensei Kihara, or someone similar," Misaki continued to complain, rolling her eyes to her response. "I spent an entire hour making sure there wasn't some sort of psychic trap in your mind, before I even brought you here. Ugh, this could have gone so much smoother. Honestly…"
Kuroko looked away, staring off to the side as she felt her cheeks heat up somewhat. "…Okay, fine, maybe I jumped the gun a little…"
Shokuhou gave yet another exasperated sigh at her words, and trailed off into silence. Kuroko continued to stare at the wall, content with letting Misaki guide the flow of their conversation, for the time being. After all, she had all of the power here, at this moment.
"Do you know where she is?" she spoke up again, a hint of desperation to her tone. "Please."
Kuroko turned her attention back to Misaki properly, and was shocked to see the earnest anguish on her face. Looking closer at her now, in fact, Kuroko could see barely dried tear tracks staining her cheeks.
Kuroko sighed, and gave a sad shake of her head, feeling awful and hopeless on her own lack of knowledge. "I'm sorry, I don't. The anime didn't show where, exactly, Dolly's clone sister was. Or if it did, I just don't remember. I just know you got that information from Gensei Kihara himself. But you already know that, don't you?"
"…I do," Misaki softly confirmed, before looking down at the table that separated them. She continued to speak a moment later, saying, "I suppose I was just hoping you'd say something different."
Another, more miserable silence passed between them. Kuroko hugged her arms to her chest, biting her lip as that helpless feeling continued to swell within her. Then, she gave a sigh, and decided to interject.
"I imagine you've had a few hours to parse through my memories. Maybe longer," she said. "I need to know what you want to do next."
"What I want to do, huh? Well, you've certainly given me a lot to think about," Misaki mused, giving a small shake of her head. "But…there's something I need to say, first. Before we go over anything else."
Misaki closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath before she stood up from the table. Kuroko watched her, warily, as she rounded the corner, until she was standing right next to her.
Then, in a move that Kuroko never saw coming, Misaki reached down and hugged her. She froze at the sudden, intimate contact, and was absolutely stunned at her next set of words.
"You are Kuroko Shirai, and your life matters."
Kuroko felt as if she'd been stabbed in the stomach, a whirlwind of conflicted emotions churning up inside of her as she tried to parse Misaki's simple, yet powerful statement. Her breathing picked up in its frequency, her face twitching into a pained grimace as she immediately shook her head.
"Y-you're wrong. Don't…lie to me like that," she insisted, shaking her head fiercely. "You've been inside my head. You know what I really am."
Uiharu hadn't understood her, not really. She had accepted her, perhaps, but she hadn't really understood what she was trying to tell her. But Shokuhou…she should know. Out of anyone who she might tell her deep, dark secret to, she would have to know full well just what sort of monster she really was.
So why was she lying to her?
Misaki issued a small sigh, and gave her a sorrowful smile. "You're right; I do know what you are. You're a young girl, who's been absolutely overwhelmed by this strange set of foreign memories. You feel like you're way out of your depth, and you're scared out of your mind. You think you've somehow killed your 'past' self, and that belief has been eating away at you this entire time."
"I did kill her!" she insisted, practically shouting in Shokuhou's face. "I did! I…I haven't felt like Kuroko Shirai since I woke up in that hospital! I haven't even felt like that person I used to be, either! I'm neither of them, and yet I'm both of them, and it's driving me crazy! But…whoever I am, I know I'm just some…some sort of freak, some sort of monster that's inhabiting Kuroko Shirai's skin! So don't fucking lie to me!"
Kuroko struggled in Shokuhou's grip now, some sort of animal instinct swelling up inside her, the desperate need to leave almost overwhelming her. But, surprisingly, Misaki kept a tight hold on her.
"I'm not lying," Misaki insisted, her tone surprisingly gentle and conciliatory. "Please Shirai, just listen to me. I'm telling you the truth. You're right, I have been inside your head, and I can tell you what's really going on. You are still Kuroko Shirai. You've just got a lot of extra memories now, and it's confusing you a great deal. I know this is all so very frightening, and you probably still don't believe me, but that's the truth. So please, just calm down and listen to me, okay?"
Kuroko stilled at her words, and for a very brief, awful moment, she felt the strongest urge to prove Shokuhou wrong. She felt the urge to use her ability in a way Kuroko Shirai never would, felt the urge to prove just how monstrous and irredeemable she actually was—!
But, those dark urges vanished just as quickly as they had appeared. She went slack in Misaki's arms, her eyes closed as she finally spoke the one thing she had never wanted to say, yet had occupied her thoughts all the same.
"If that's true, then…couldn't you fix me? Please?" she stared at her, unshed tears visible in her eyes as she spoke. "I hate this. I didn't ask to be like this. It's…it's so…"
She trailed off, tears slipping down her cheeks as her words failed her. A choked sob escaped her lips, and she felt Shokuhou press her head against her chest, her hand softly stroking her hair as she cried against her.
"…I would if I could," Misaki spoke at last, sounding genuinely remorseful. "But I can't, not in the way you think, Shirai. Your sets of memories are…intertwined, in a way I've never seen before. I couldn't erase one set without eating away at the other. There are so many connective associations there, so many core concepts that rely on both of your memories. You were…born like this, Shirai. I'm fairly certain of that. Those other memories were just dormant for such a long time. That's what I would theorize, at any rate. I…don't know why they re-emerged so suddenly like that. But I can't get rid of them without also getting rid of you. If I tried to do what you wanted, you'd be left a completely blank slate in the aftermath. Kuroko Shirai really would be dead then, replaced by a perfect stranger. And I know you don't want that."
Kuroko shuddered painfully at that, the mere concept of that idea revolting her on a fundamental level. Shokuhou was right: she wouldn't want that. It would kill whatever vestiges were left by Kuroko Shirai, and what good would that do?
She gave a soft, forlorn sigh, and sniffled as Misaki held onto her. She remained silent for a good while, a hollow, empty feeling emerging from the tumult of emotions she'd felt earlier.
"…We have more important things to talk about. We…there are so many threats out there. So many dangerous people. We need to focus on that, not—!" she started to say, but Shokuhou cut her off.
"We'll talk about them in good time," Misaki promised, still stroking her hair. "But I wanted to address this first. You're, at best, days away from a complete breakdown, and I don't blame you. I'm not sure how I'd be feeling in your shoes, either. But there are better ways to…deal with this. And I don't want you doing anything rash."
"I'm not—!" she started to say, though it was a halfhearted protest all the same. Misaki immediately cut her off again, however.
"You keep thinking about how you're not going to survive, Shirai. What am I supposed to think about that? And I know what you've been secretly considering, even if you won't admit it to yourself," she said. "Shirai, be honest with me. If you got a prescription for sleeping pills tonight, what would you really use them for?"
She couldn't even muster a response to the accusation; but, her silence was telling enough on its own. She looked down in shame, and Misaki issued a tender sigh.
"I can help you, Shirai. It's not a substitute for therapy, let's be clear about that. But I can help. I can help regulate your emotions, for starters, to help you better manage yourself. I can help you adjust to your new situation, so you're not constantly on edge. I can help you, if you'll let me. I know it's not the type of help you want, or think you need, but it is what I can do for you."
Kuroko sniffled again, pressing her face harder against Misaki's shirt. For the first time, she actively hugged her back, her arms wrapping around her back tightly.
"I…thank you, Shokuhou. Thank you."
Misaki smiled in response, and continued to stroke her hair tenderly the entire time. The two of them stayed like that for a while longer, Kuroko feeling herself steadily calming down the entire time. Whether that was Shokuhou's influence, or Mental Out's handiwork, she couldn't say…but, she found that she didn't care, either way.
"You're welcome," Misaki murmured, patting her head. "I just…wanted to get that out of the way, first. I know we have plenty of important things to talk about, but I also know how much you're hurting right now. That, more than anything else, needed my immediate attention."
Kuroko felt a small smile spread over her face, and she gave a more pleasant sigh as she clung to Shokuhou. There was something almost intimately comfortable about being held in her arms by another person, like this, that she found hard to describe.
Ah, first she cried with Uiharu, and now Shokuhou. She really was becoming a crybaby. What was up with her lately? Was that the hormones of Kuroko Shirai at work? It must be. She certainly had been a lot more stoic in that last life…well, that, or emotionally repressed. Maybe both.
"Thank you," she repeated, giving Misaki a genuine, heartfelt smile. "I…needed that. Ah, these last few days have been awful for me. I swear, I'm usually not this emotional…"
She sighed again, composing herself some more before she went on. "Listen, I'll be honest. I'm…still not entirely sure about letting you mess with my head, but if it helps me feel better…then I'll trust you, Shokuhou. I know you're a good person, deep down, so I know you won't betray that trust."
Misaki nodded in understanding, and gently patted her head again. "You're a good person yourself, Shirai, even if you don't see it yet."
Another peaceful, contemplative silence developed between them. Kuroko let Misaki hold onto her the entire time, finding it hard to pull away. Perhaps they could stay like this for just a little longer…
"Besides, it's the least I can do for my biggest fan."
Kuroko stiffened at that sudden declaration, and she tilted her head to stare up at her. Shokuhou stared right back down at her, the biggest, most carnivorous grin she'd ever seen on someone stretched across her lips.
"I wasn't sure what to think at first," she went on, her words sending a chill down Kuroko's spine. "Why, it really threw me for a loop! But, after I had some time to think, I decided it was rather flattering. Knowing that so many people made so much fanart of me, and knowing you saved quite a few of those pictures. And then there were all those figures you bought of me…and the other girls as well!"
Kuroko felt her eyes widen in alarm, and a blush rapidly broke out across her cheeks. A strangled cry escaped her throat, words failing her as she came to a mortifying revelation.
Misaki Shokuhou had seen everything inside of her head, and that meant everything. Oh god, why hadn't she taken that into consideration?!
"Noooo!" the pathetic whine leapt from her lips instinctively, and Misaki only grinned wider at the sound.
"Oh, yes! Aren't you so very lucky, Shirai! You get to meet me in person now! Would you like an autographed headshot? I can get that to you fairly easily~!"
The sound of her snickering made Kuroko's entire face heat up, so much so that she swore her hair had caught on fire. She started struggling against Shokuhou's grip again, but once more, Mental Out kept a surprisingly firm hold on her.
"Let me go, Shokuhou!" she yelped, bringing her hands back to forcefully push her off of her.
However, due to her positioning, her hands ended up pressing against a very soft, very unfortunate part of Misaki's body.
"Oh my! I didn't think you were quite this bold," she immediately teased her, as she gaped at her like a dying fish.
Kuroko snatched her hands away like they were on fire, her face about as red as her hair now. She stared right back at Misaki Shokuhou and her impossibly smug grin, a mixture of embarrassment and anger causing the next set of words to leave her mouth.
"G-Get your hands off of me, young lady! I am far too old for you to treat me like this!"
"Oh are you, now? It doesn't seem like you're acting your 'age' to me, you know."
"Y-You know what I mean! You've been inside of my head!"
"Ah, and what shameful things I saw there! But don't worry, I won't tell poor Misaka or Uiharu a single word about this. Your secrets stay safe with me! In fact, I can be more than just your secret keeper. I can be your onee-sama now."
"Get the hell off of me!"
Misaki's persistent cackles were the only answer Kuroko received, to her further ire and mortification. When Kuroko finally remembered she could teleport, she slipped out of Shokuhou's grasp easily, but that didn't take away her knowing smile, or the teasing look in her starry eyes.
Kuroko's only recourse was to scream and slam her head into a wall, faintly hoping that the resulting brain trauma would help her forget this entire mortifying ordeal.
It didn't.
Author's Note:
Here we have the long awaited meeting with Misaki Shokuhou! Have to admit, the chapter went down a direction I didn't initially anticipate, but it made sense to me as I wrote it. Sadrai is hanging on by a thread, and Misaki would prioritize handling her fragile mental health before dealing with the equally important, plot relevant stuff. And since this chapter was long enough, I figured I'd save all that for the next installment.
Hope you all enjoy!