Note from the authors:
Hello, we'd like to tell you that after 2 years of writing and translating, we've finally published the 3rd volume of our series "THE LIGHT ENTHRALLED BY THE DARKNESS" titled "THE POISONS MASTER" ! You can buy it or read in Kindle Unlimited on Amazon.
All informations and links can be found on our website SNARRY WORLD (just google it with our names Ariel & Gobuss) ^_^
49. Silently broken
I heard the words come out
Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken
I'd give anything now
To kill those words for you*
When Harry Potter, a sixth-year student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, woke up that frosty winter morning, he had no idea that the coming day... would be the day everything would change. There was no sign of what was to come. Nothing special happened.
He never once tripped, never forgot his books or the Common Room password, never made a mistake, was never late for any lesson, and never had any bad luck during classes.
In the morning, before leaving the dormitory, he looked at the green stone again, but there was no message on it. For a split second he felt guilty for sending Severus such a litany of regrets yesterday, but he quickly got rid of them. He deserved it! First he imagined that Harry and Ginny were doing "you know what" in the cupboard, then he didn't even want to listen to Harry's explanation, and later... he did what he did. And apparently he wasn't even going to apologize!
It was the worst. The realization that after all they had been through and the obstacles they had overcome, Severus couldn't trust him enough to let Harry explain what had happened... And that thought made him feel bitterness bubble up inside him, which had been devouring his insides since the morning and didn't want to let him out of its clutches.
And today he had a Potions lesson waiting for him... He really had no idea how he would survive it. He was in such a state that if only Snape did or said something... he wouldn't be able to stop himself and would snap back at him.
In such a gloomy mood he went down for breakfast. He didn't expect to see a familiar, dark silhouette at the other side of the room. This surprised him a bit and killed his spirit, but he decided not to show it and walked proudly towards the Gryffindor table, and Ron and Hermione already sitting at it. He sat down and pulled the plate of scrambled eggs closer, then began eating with as much gusto as if he hadn't eaten anything in a week. He actually felt a bit like that after throwing up everything he had in his stomach yesterday, including its digestive juices. The potion Snape gave him immediately alleviated all the side effects. But just because he sent it to him didn't mean Harry would forgive him so easily. Definitely not!
When he was halfway through breakfast, he couldn't stand it anymore and curiosity got the better of him. He cast a quick, furtive glance towards the staff table. Severus didn't eat anything. He didn't look at Harry either. He was just sitting there and staring at a distant point on the opposite wall.
Harry frowned. What could that mean? He rather expected that the man would give him unfavorable glances that would not portend anything good.
The next time Harry looked at him, he had to blink. Snape was sitting with his head down and staring at his breakfast. In his right hand he held a glass, which he nervously tapped on the table. He looked like he was thinking about something.
Harry returned to his meal, completely surprised by the man's strange behavior. What was most telling, however, was that Snape hadn't looked at him once since Harry had arrived for breakfast. As if he hadn't noticed his presence at all.
The boy turned his head for the third time and noticed that Severus... was gone. He looked around the room and saw a black cloak disappearing through a door behind the staff table. With anxiety and curiosity rising in his heart, he finished his breakfast and headed to Divination with Ron.
However, he couldn't concentrate on anything. He still remembered yesterday, the great pain he didn't want to remember, and Severus's gaze... He lay in the illusory grass with his hands under his head, staring at the star-studded ceiling, but he saw neither stars, nor planets, nor their movements dependent on each other... all he saw was a face devoid of any feelings and he wondered if he would ever be able to get this image out of his head or if it would haunt him forever.
"Mars burns extremely bright," Firenzo's mysterious voice reached him. "See how the light emanating from it creates tongues of fire? He is restless. It announces great changes. Changes that will affect us all."
Ron snored next to Harry and there were the indignant whispers of Lavender and Parvati somewhere to his left, but Harry paid no attention at all because his thoughts were still elsewhere.
He had no idea how he managed to survive the first two lessons. He was so lost in thought the whole time that he didn't even remember what they were doing in Transfiguration. When he got to lunch, he took one quick glance at the teacher's table and, seeing that Snape wasn't there, he breathed a sigh of relief. There would be Potions right after lunch, and Harry felt a strange knot in his stomach at the thought of having to meet that bastard today, preventing him from swallowing even one bite.
After lunch, he took his bag and headed down to the dungeons with Ron and Hermione. The classroom was already open. Students arriving at the lesson went inside and sat down at their desks. Harry let Ron and Hermione pass him by and go in first, and he stopped just before the door, feeling a sudden, inexplicable fear. A strange feeling that made him hesitate and for a few moments he wondered if he should go in... He had had this feeling before. The day Snape forced him to drink the Desideria Intima potion... He ignored it back then and it ended... well, it's hard to say how. But that decision certainly changed everything...
"Are you coming in or are you just going to stand there like a peg?" Zabini's voice rang out behind him.
Harry shuddered and shook his head.
No, that was stupid. What worse could happen?
He took a deep breath and... entered the classroom.
Snape was already standing at his desk, nervously shuffling through some papers lying on it. Harry sat down on the bench, feeling a strange tension in his stomach. He took out his cauldron, brass scales, weights, and books and set everything on the table, trying not to look at the man looming at the other end of the room at all, because every time his eyes accidentally skimmed the dark, tall figure, something inside him jerked suddenly and he had trouble controlling it.
After some time, when the classroom was still a little buzzy with students getting ready for their lesson, Snape suddenly slammed his hand on the desk with such force that everyone jumped and looked at him in fear.
"Silence! I don't want any murmurs or whispers in today's lesson. Anyone who speaks up without asking will be punished. I've already indulged you enough. End of it!"
The students looked at each other in surprise. Snape was always strict in class, but today was going to be especially... tiring.
Ron leaned towards Harry and whispered, "Can we even breathe?"
"Either I'm not speaking clearly, Weasley, or you're too dense to understand the simplest of instructions," Snape growled, glaring sharply at Ron. "Gryffindor loses ten points."
Ron blushed and immediately straightened up, and Pansy Parkinson's amused giggle came from the Slytherin table. The man's cutting gaze moved to the girl.
"This applies to you too, Miss Parkinson. Slytherin loses ten points."
The Gryffindors' facial expressions could only be described as one of complete bewilderment. Besides, the Slytherins looked even more shocked. Especially Pansy, who pursed her lips and stared at Snape with such disbelief as if he had just told her that Santa Claus didn't exist.
On either side of Harry, Ron and Hermione exchanged surprised glances.
What's gotten into him? - Harry thought, completely surprised by Snape's behavior. Severus seemed furious with the world. Why? It's Harry who should be furious. Nothing was right here.
"Is there anyone else who didn't understand the order?" the man asked, his eyes sweeping over the students' stunned faces. Harry didn't know how Snape did it, but in some unusual way... the dark glare skipped him. It certainly reached Hermione next to her, but then it immediately transferred to Ron, as if Harry were nothing more than the air. "Excellent," the teacher growled, drawing his wand and waving it at the board. "Rejuvenating Potion. The ingredients and preparation method are on the board. I will check your results at the end of the class. Now get to work. If your potions results become as pathetic as at the last lesson, I will find a way to get you to improve. And it won't be pleasant." After these words, he sank into a chair and pulled a thick stack of parchments towards himself.
The students just looked at each other in silence for a while before hesitantly starting to get up and go get the potion ingredients. Nobody talked. If anyone wanted to ask something, they preferred to show it in hand signs rather than risk losing points.
Harry chopped the ginger roots so furiously that he almost made a pulp of them. Severus' behavior annoyed him. It annoyed him because he didn't know what to think of it at all. Why the hell the man didn't answer him anything all day through the stone? Well, Harry finally told him to 'fuck off.' And it looked like maybe for the first time Snape really 'fucked off'. Was that why he was so angry?
The knife fell from Harry's hand and landed on the floor with a clatter. The sound seemed so loud in the silence of the classroom that everyone looked around, confused, for its source.
"Damn!" Harry cursed under his breath, bending down and picking up the knife from the floor. He heard Hermione inhale sharply next to him, but he didn't care.
Let him just try to tell me something... he thought, rolling up his sleeves as if preparing for a duel and returning to chopping the root. The Potions Master didn't speak, though. Harry saw out of the corner of his eye as Snape lowered his head and looked back at the parchments in front of him.
"Maybe he's over it," Ron whispered quietly, leaning towards Harry.
"Gryffindor is ten points down, Weasley," Snape said without even looking up.
Ron's ears turned red and Hermione frowned. Harry gripped the knife in his hand even tighter.
What is he thinking? he thought angrily. Why didn't he pay attention to me?
Harry couldn't figure it out. He was tempted to see what he could do and how far he could go before Snape showed he was aware of his presence. But he wasn't going to find out. He preferred not to take risks. Not in class.
He didn't want to admit it to himself, but he felt... disappointed. Deep in the deepest corner of his heart, he imagined this day completely differently. He thought Snape would be... remorseful or something. That in any way, no matter how visible... he would show remorse for what he had done. Or maybe even... at least try to apologize to him.
But no. He decided to act like a complete asshole! As if he didn't care at all.
It took Harry a few moments to realize that he was staring at his cauldron absently and that he should have added chopped ginger to the broth a long time ago. But before he could catch up, he heard Snape's chair move back and the teacher get up and walk around the desks. All the students immediately bent over their cauldrons so low as if what they were doing was completely absorbing them.
Harry saw out of the corner of his eye that Snape was carefully looking into each cauldron he passed, and he tensed when he thought that he was about to approach him as well.
"I advise you to get to work, Longbottom," the man drawled, glancing at Neville's potion and grimacing in disgust. "Unless you want to drink it again?"
The boy turned pale and pursed his trembling lips, staring wanderingly at the cloudy brew that was bubbling in the cauldron.
Harry could hear Severus making sarcastic comments to almost everyone he approached until he stopped behind Ron and leaned over his potion.
"Total failure, Weasley," Snape muttered, drawing his wand. "Evanesco. Start from the beginning."
Ron opened his mouth and stared at his empty cauldron in bewilderment. Harry couldn't believe Snape had deleted his work. After all, Ron's potion wasn't any worse than his. On the contrary. It was much better.
Harry gritted his teeth and added the chopped root to his brew. He knew it was too late for that. His potion was already completely botched.
If Snape treated Ron this way, what would he say about his brew... However, to Harry's astonishment, the man passed him by, not stopping at his cauldron at all. In fact, without even looking at Harry! However, before the boy could process this situation, Snape stopped next to Hermione.
Harry noticed that the color of the Gryffindor's brew was a bit too light, but other than that it was prepared almost perfectly. So what was his surprise when the teacher pulled out his wand and drawled: "Complete failure, Granger! Evanesco! Start over. Who would have thought that such a top student would rather waste time on unproductive partying instead of studying?"
That was a low blow, Harry thought, looking at his completely stunned friend. Hermione looked like she was going to cry. Snape had never cleaned her cauldron before.
"What are you waiting for?" the man growled, seeing that both Ron and Hermione were just standing there, staring at their empty cauldrons in shock. "Fetch the ingredients!" After these words, he turned on his heel and headed back to his desk.
Harry tried to avoid his friend's surprised gaze as Ron wordlessly moved towards the storeroom, followed by equally surprised looks from the other students, but Hermione remained in place. However, she was no longer looking into her cauldron, but at Harry, and at Snape… and she looked as if she was deep in thought about something.
Not this again! Harry thought desperately. He had no desire to go through this again. Fortunately, after a moment, Hermione lowered her head and followed Ron into the storeroom, and Harry breathed a sigh of relief. At least for a while.
He knew why Snape had done it... or at least he guessed. It was partly because of them that all of this happened. But to treat them in such a vile way because of it? Snape really outdid himself today!
Harry bit his lip and lifted his head, looking at the man who sitting at the desk and scribbling on parchment.
Something really bad was happening to Snape. Harry saw it in his every gesture, heard it in every word, but he couldn't put his finger on it. He thought Severus was just angry, but this was something else...
He narrowed his eyes and took a closer look at the man's hands. They seemed certain as they glided across the parchment, but now he saw that it was only an appearance. They were trembling. And it seemed that Snape couldn't quite control his movements... As if something was really bothering him, or maybe...
Feeling his heart speed up, he looked up at the man's face leaning over the desk. It was tense, the thin lips pursed so tightly that they seemed stuck together in one pale line. The black eyes did not follow the text. They were scattered around, as if Severus didn't know which way to look. At one point he looked at Harry out of the corner of his eye and immediately looked down again. His movements became even stiffer. For a few moments he simply tapped the quill on one and the same place on the parchment, then threw it aside and began shuffling the papers, as if he was not fully aware of what he was doing. Harry looked at his hands again. Long fingers were clenching and unclenching.
Snape looked like someone... like someone...
Harry's eyes widened.
No, impossible...
Did Snape have remorse? Why wasn't he looking at Harry at all and acting as if Harry didn't exist? Snape ignored him, didn't pay attention to him and couldn't look him in the eye at all... Was it because - oh gods! - he probably didn't want to remember the harm he did to Harry? Was that what it's all about? Now that Harry looked at it like this, it seemed obvious... He thought Snape was furious, and yes... he was furious, but because, for perhaps the first time in his life, he felt something like remorse. Or at least that's what it looked like.
Harry just sometimes forgot that Severus wasn't... anyone. It has to be measured with a different measuring stick. He wasn't like Ron who, when he felt guilty, just walked around with his head down and muttered apologies. Severus was someone who cannot apologize, who does not know how to apologize... he would rather bottle it up, react with rage and take it out on everyone around him, unable to define this strange feeling that he felt.
But... was he even capable of such feelings?
It was too confusing! What if it's not like that? If Harry just tells himself all this because he wants it to be this way?
Harry lowered his head. The emotionless face and dark eyes staring at him without a trace of emotion appeared in front of his eyes again.
It was strange, but now that he at least guessed the reasons for Snape's behavior, he felt something like satisfaction.
It serves him right! He should see what it's like! He should suffer this time! At least for a while!
Ron and Hermione returned from the storeroom and began preparing the potion again, although there was only resignation in their movements. They knew they wouldn't be able to make the brew before the end of class, and they didn't even try. Hermione was standing dejectedly over her cauldron, while Ron kept glaring at the Potions Master, and Harry, watching his friends' behavior, felt more and more angry at Snape. No matter what his motives were, he shouldn't treat his friends like that.
If Snape wanted to take it out, then go ahead, he might as well take it out on Harry. He got used to it already...
"Time is up," the Potions Master's loud voice rang out. The man got up and started walking around. Almost everyone he approached ended up with Poor and the cauldron cleared, which was the worst result ever for Slytherins. The lowest rating they typically received was Acceptable. They were also not used to the malicious comments the teacher gave them. Pansy Parkinson was so shocked when Snape cleaned her cauldron that she just stood there for a good few moments, looking as if someone had accidentally hit her with a paralysis spell.
The Gryffindors, seeing what was happening, looked at each other with terrified faces. If Snape treated Slytherins this way, what would happen when he got to them...
"Thomas, what's in your cauldron isn't even fit to be poured down the drain. Troll and minus fifteen points. Evanesco!
Dean bit his lip defiantly and stared at the desk.
"Finningan... If something as trivial as simply following the instructions is too much of a challenge for your comprehension, I'm starting to have serious doubts about the sense of your continued education at this school. You may have to look for a more suitable job in the near future... Filch can no longer cope with his duties and could use a helper. Should I tell him you're interested?"
Seamus blushed and clenched his fists. He looked as if he wanted to say something, but the teacher's piercing gaze on him effectively stopped him from taking such a rash step.
"Brown... I understand that learning Potions is not as exciting an activity for you as painting your nails, but I insist that you commit to it, otherwise even someone like Longbottom wouldn't want you."
Lavender was so red that steam seemed to be rising from her hair.
Harry was looking at all this and simply couldn't believe it... Snape had never been so vile. Venom oozed from its mouth, eating away at everything it came into contact with. He looked as if he had absolutely no control over himself. It was as if the anger he felt, the storm that was raging within him, carried him on its waves and flowed out of him in a torrent of biting words that he hurled at anyone he could reach.
Harry guessed the reason for such behavior, but damn it, he wasn't going to allow it! It was a matter between them! Snape had no right to drag others into this and take his frustration out on them!
"Longbottom!" Snape's sharp voice interrupted Harry's thoughts, drawing his gaze to Neville's desk, in front of which the teacher had stopped. He saw genuine fear in the boy's eyes, and the look of cruelty he saw on the Potions Master's face gave Harry a very bad feeling. "What is this?" Snape drawled.
"A... rejuvenation potion," the boy muttered.
"Is this supposed to be a potion? Then you probably haven't seen one. This is a swill, not a potion. Another failure, Longbottom. I'm fed up with your incompetence. You are the most pathetic student to ever come to Hogwarts!" The words were like a whip, and with each lashing, Neville cringed more and more, not knowing where to look.
Harry heard Hermione inhale indignantly next to him, but he almost didn't register it. A hard, cold mass was rising in his heart, which Snape's harsh words and behavior were shaping into an arrow ready to shoot. Her nerves, taut as the strings of a bow, struggled to keep it in place.
"Your stupidity and incompetence have long exceeded any permitted standards. You are bringing disgrace to our school. You are a disgrace to the entire wizarding world," Severus continued cruelly, staring at the hunched boy with eyes filled with an icy hatred and absolute contempt. "I will no longer tolerate your ignorance and extreme imbecility. Apparently the only way I can teach you anything is to let you experience the consequences of your stupidity for yourself. You will drink the swill you have brewed. Maybe if you taste your own failure again, you'll start using your brain the way it was intended. Of course, if you have it at all, and I have serious doubts about that." The Potions Master smiled contemptuously at the extreme terror on his student's face.
"No..." Hermione moaned quietly, and Harry's hands clenched tightly into fists. An icy fever consumed him. His body was trembling with anger.
Neville gave him a quick look, full of a silent plea for help, for rescue.
It was like pulling a trigger.
"I'll drink it!" Harry stated. Loud and decisive. The arrow was released. All eyes turned to him. Severus stiffened and just stood still for a moment. Harry knew it was too blatant a provocation for the man to ignore, especially since the students were already starting to glance at each other questioningly, obviously wondering why the teacher wasn't responding.
Finally, very slowly, he turned around. Their eyes met and Harry felt a strange sensation, as if sparks appeared in the air. Something in the black eyes trembled for a moment before storm clouds covered them. It wasn't a good look. On the contrary. It heralded a real storm.
"Don't interfere, Potter!" the Potions Master hissed, his voice cutting like a scalpel blade.
"Pour me some of your potion, Neville." Harry struggled to tear his eyes away from the teacher's dagger eyes and looked at his terrified friend. "And give it to me." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Snape's face turn red with rage.
"You won't drink anything!" he roared, and some of the students crouched so much that they almost crawled under the desks. "Longbottom will drink this potion!"
Harry looked hard at Severus. "You've already made me drink all sorts of crap... What's the difference?"
It was a hit. Snape's eyes widened for a moment and something inside them was shattered. Harry saw it collapse and reveal something that shouldn't be released.
"Don't worry, Neville," Harry continued calmly, seeing that the Gryffindor was looking between him and Snape, not knowing what to do. "Just give me the potion."
With that, he glanced back at the Potions Master, who looked like he was about to explode with rage. He emanated it with such intensity that one could almost touch it.
"Don't you dare move a finger, Longbottom. Try to do this and you will lose it."
Neville turned almost white and immediately withdrew his hand, which was already reaching for the vial.
"If you want a scapegoat, it might as well be me." Harry spoke the last word with emphasis, his eyes flashing with steely determination. "And if you are in a bad mood, you should talk to someone about it, and not take it out on the students. This is in very bad taste."
"How dare you-?" the man started, but Harry didn't let him finish.
"I won't let you bully my friends!" he blurted out, almost shouting. He knew everyone was looking at him as if he had lost his mind. He stood up to Snape. Snape, who was in such a mood. It was almost suicide. He knew they thought so. But he didn't care.
Snape's facial muscles were trembling. He could see a vein throbbing furiously in his temple and something that looked like foam at the corners of his mouth.
"You won't 'let' me?" The ferocity with which Snape spat out those words could melt iron. "What can you do, Potter? You have no power here! You can't do anything!" The mockery in the man's voice was almost palpable. It hung in the air, laughing in Harry's face.
"Oh, I can do more than you think..." Harry drawled, fending off the murderous glare that Snape was glaring at him. As if he wanted to convey the meaning hidden behind the words with his eyes.
But either it had no effect on the man, or it only enraged him even more, because after a while he spoke in a hoarse voice: "Is it? I don't think so, Potter. It doesn't matter to me what you do or say. Your conceit-"
"Maybe not to you," Harry interrupted, feeling the awakened monster take control of him. The cup overflowed and its contents poured into his mind, robbing him of his rationality, his composure, and breaking all his inhibitions. "But Professor Dumbledore would certainly find the things I have to say extremely interesting."
He saw a bright, violent flash in the black eyes. As sudden as if lightning had struck them.
Both of them were now rushing up an extremely steep slope. And there was nothing left to stop them.
Snape lunged forward, placed his hands on Harry's bench and glared at him with a gaze of icy hatred and flame-shooting rage. With the eyes of a man who had long gone beyond the limits of fury and found himself far on the other side.
"Are you threatening me, Potter? And who are you to blackmail me? You don't matter at all! I don't care about you! Neither you nor your opinion! You're just a pathetic copy of your idiot father! Nothing more!" The words hit hard and went extremely deep. Harry felt like he was starting to lose his breath. "Do you consider yourself someone special? Do you think anyone cares about you? Finally get it into your head that you are a miserable, worthless, meaningless zero! That you are and will always be nothing to me! Do you understand? Nothing!"
Harry's eyes widened rapidly. He felt a sudden, unimaginable pain in his chest, as if those words had pierced all barriers and torn his heart into pieces. He couldn't breathe, his lungs felt like they were spasming and stopped functioning. Something died in him. Suddenly and irreversibly.
Nothing...
Nothing...
Nothing...
That single, inconspicuous word vibrated around him, louder and louder...
He always had hope... And now... now he had nothing left. Just the truth, thrown straight in his face. As if nothing mattered. Nothing, for all these months... nothing.
Let it stop hurting so much... he thought, and the image in front of his eyes began to blur. Make it go away! I don't want to feel it. I don't want it!
Snape continued to speak, but there was no heart left for the words to sink into and they only fell into emptiness.
Harry felt something hot and wet running down his cheeks.
"-and when he finally understand it-" The Potions Master stopped as suddenly as if he had swallowed his tongue. Harry - despite the fog in front of his eyes - saw that Severus' eyes had widened unnaturally, and a look of... fear appeared on his face. All his anger seemed to suddenly and unexpectedly evaporate from him.
Harry couldn't control himself. He knew that the suffering he felt was clearly visible on his face, but he was unable to hide it. A noose tightened around his throat. Fire burned under his eyelids. More tears rolled slowly down his cheeks.
Snape was standing dumbstruck. His face paled rapidly, and something akin to desperation appeared on his furrowed face.
I have to control myself, Harry thought, covering his eyes with his hand, although he doubted it would fool anyone.
If only this pain would go away... if only it would disappear...
But how the hell was he supposed to control himself when his world had just shattered into pieces?
So much time has passed, so many obstacles he has overcome, so much he had to endure just to hear the same thing he'd heard many months ago... As if nothing had changed since then. As if all this effort... meant nothing.
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing!
The hand that covered his eyes was trembling uncontrollably. He bit his lip with all his strength, suppressing the sobs that were trying to escape from his narrowed, burning throat. He didn't even notice that he had bitten it. He only realized it when he felt the sour taste of blood in his mouth.
And yet... he had been wrong before. It wasn't remorse. Snape was incapable of feeling something like that... From the very beginning, it was always just... contempt.
He shuddered violently, making a guttural sound and at the last moment swallowing the sobs that jerked his entire body.
"Harry? Everything's all right?" Hermione's quiet, gentle whisper from somewhere next to him broke the tense silence in the classroom. Harry nodded slightly, not pulling the hand away from his eyes.
He must breathe deeply and calmly. He must calm down. Force himself to do it. He can't do this… he has to-
He slowly lowered his hand, wiping the tears from his face. His blurry gaze fell on the dark figure standing motionless in front of him.
At that moment the dead silence was broken by the sound of a bell echoing in the corridors of the castle. But there was still silence in the class.
"Get out." Snape's voice sounded strangely strangled. "Potter will stay."
Harry closed his eyes. Now he didn't care.
There was a buzz in the classroom as students began to get up from their seats and gather their things. Nobody spoke.
"Harry... we'll wait for you outside the door," Hermione said gently, looking at her friend with sympathy mixed with deep concern.
He nodded, automatically reaching for the bag and packing his things into it, although he wasn't entirely aware of what he was doing. The students slowly left the classroom.
Harry put his bag down and stared blankly at the wall. Snape was standing in front of his desk the entire time, as if his legs were rooted to the ground and he was unable to move.
The moment the door closed behind the last student, Harry felt a gust of magic. He recognized the silencing charm. There was a deafening silence in the room.
"You provoked me, Potter." Severus' strangely tense voice broke the silence hanging in the air. "You never know where the line you shouldn't cross is. You were always-" Severus stopped short suddenly, as if he had restrained himself at the last moment. "I didn't mean it like that," he added after a moment of silence when Harry didn't react in any way to his words. "I didn't mean to say that. You made me angry. If you hadn't started-" He stopped short again. "You can't take everything I say personally. You know me." There was desperation in his voice. When Harry still didn't say anything, he said hesitantly, "Potter?"
"I've always been nothing to you," Harry said quietly, as if Snape hadn't spoken anything at all. As if the door had just closed. As if he was talking only to himself or to the wall he was looking at. "I never meant anything to you. I was a fool to think that I could ever make myself more than-" he hesitated for only a split second, "-than a meaningless zero."
"I only said that because I-" the man started, but Harry didn't let him finish. Not a single word Snape was saying now mattered to him. He didn't hear them at all, as if they were bouncing off something very cold and hard that had grown around Harry.
"I had a dream…" he interrupted him in the same quiet, broken voice, still staring absently at the wall. "I... wanted to win your heart. I wanted this so much. I thought that I would succeed... that one day I would get through all this coldness, contempt, hatred... but I failed. I failed."
"Potter, listen to me... What you're saying is absurd. You know perfectly well that-"
But Harry wasn't listening. The words were just flowed. He couldn't stop them. Months of sorrow was flowing from his broken heart. Everything that he'd always held inside, what he'd pushed to the very bottom - to the darkest, most distant corner. Now it has all been released. And it was poring through his mouth.
"How could I be so stupid? Now I understood it. I realized that after everything we've been through together, all these months of fighting for you, all this time... I meant nothing to you. From the moment you first told me that in this classroom... nothing has changed. Absolutely nothing. And it will never change. I will always be just... nothing to you." His voice broke suddenly. As if the weight of these words was too great, too overwhelming. He closed his eyes, inhaling air into his tight, aching lungs.
There was silence for a moment… and then Harry heard Severus whisper, as if his voice was too unreliable to utter the words. "You are not a nothing to me."
But Harry didn't believe it. Now they were just empty words. What was said could not be taken back. It hung between them, turning into a barrier through which nothing could get through.
"I'll never know what it's like to be... needed. When someone cares about you. I won't feel this-" he touched his chest at the level of his heart, "-this something... here." He sighed deeply, wanting to wash away the pain that began to press in his chest again, trapping him in its grip. "You know, it's funny... I've always been a nothing to everyone. Apparently that's how it's supposed to be..."
That was the end. The last drop had fallen. There was nothing left in him that he wanted to say to him.
He stood up and looked at Snape for the first time since the beginning of this whole conversation. The Potions Master was unusually pale. There was deep emotion in his wide black eyes. His tense face tried to adopt a fierce expression that couldn't stay there for more than a few seconds because it was quickly overshadowed by... guilt.
Harry reached into his pocket and took out a green stone. He looked at it for a moment, weighing it in his hand.
There were so many memories associated with it... so many times he was happy to see the glow emanating from it...
Tell me.
Are you all right, Potter?
Cupboard. Now.
Shhh... It's all right, Potter, I'll take care of you tomorrow.
Come.
Why are still awake?
Goodnight, Potter.
But now those memories... meant nothing to him anymore.
He sighed and placed the stone on the desk.
"I won't need it anymore," he said quietly.
Snape was no longer looking at Harry. He had his head down and was staring at the stone on the table. He slowly stretched out his hand and tentatively touched the green surface. The long fingers trembled.
After a moment, a guttural, strangely vibrating whisper came from his mouth: "It's not like that. My behavior... was-"
"I don't want to hear it," Harry interrupted. The man slowly raised his head, as if it was difficult for him to do so. "Please reassign my detentions to another teacher," Harry said, a little louder than before, reaching down to pick up the bag lying on the ground. He slung it over his shoulder and looked into the Potions Master's dark eyes for the last time. The eyes that were raging with... not even a storm anymore. Something much deeper, brightening it with sudden, blinding lightning. "Goodbye... Professor Snape."
A shadow passed over the man's face as Harry uttered the last word, but he saw nothing more as he turned and walked away. As he crossed the threshold of the classroom and the door closed behind him, he felt as if he had left a part of himself behind.
You were my fire
So I burned...
'Til' there was nothing left of me
Why give me hope
Then give me up
Just to be the death of me
We were one
We were everything
I'm still here
But I'll just keep the rest of me
Cause I see you
But I can't feel you
Anymore
I need you
But I can't need you
Anymore
So go away...
You were my fire
So I burned...
'Til' there was nothing left of me.**
* "Forgive me" by Evanescence
** "Hesistate" by Stone Sour