Through this diary I discovered a passion for writing. To grasp my feelings, desires and fears on this page served me well to escape the outside world and be able to talk to myself, as if it were a friend, we confess our most intimate secrets, the good and the bad.

My entertainment long before was reduced to the moment, to the present. My immortal life, in constant motion forced me to concentrate on the present, there was no time for the future or the past, I lived for the moments and pleasures of the moment, it was as if time had stopped and I was reliving the same thing over and over again, time no longer had relevance for me.

Writing here gave me another sensation of time, it made me dig up my past and bare my soul, and be afraid of the uncertainty of the future, something that Od never thought about or commented on, this diary has revealed to me that not even vampires can escape time.

Although we could not age, and we were incapable of changing our way of being, time did change our perception of life, of good and evil, and made us aware of our actions and their consequences. Are there other nomads who escaped the loop I was in for so many centuries? Do vampires in covens live in their perpetual present? What I do know is that the moment will come for all of us when the blood loop will break, and change our lives forever, either by finding eternal love, a new purpose, or facing death.

I broke the blood loop two years ago, but I have not yet found eternal love, or purpose, or death, they have all been elusive so far. Is it worth wondering which I will find first? One way or another, we all long to break the loop, the most bitter enemy of a vampire is monotony, so I took the pencil and continued my journey.

That day was unusually rainy, it was an ordinary day in October in Ukraine. Ukraine brought back memories to me. "Does the village still exist? Do I have human descendants?" I thought as Od was having a chat with Gonzalo about the life of vampires, then I noticed that Gonzalo moved away a bit and went deeper into the woods.

Minutes were passing and Od had gone exploring. "Maybe he's already planning on looking for some prey." I thought, and I set out to keep Gonzalo company, as he had already been out of my sight for a while, I was starting to worry.

I smiled warmly and placed my hand on his shoulder. "There is no need to be nervous, my dear Gonzalo. This is all very new, I understand. But you are safe here with me."

I recounted the tale of how I was turned, sparing the grisly details so as not to frighten him. "I felt an electric current coursing through my veins, as if it was written in the stars. And now here you are, joining us on this extraordinary journey!"

I hesitated, then confessed, "I have something to admit, something that has weighed on my heart since the day we met. That day, when I grasped your hand...I felt drawn to you, irresistibly so. I have followed your steps, a silent presence in the background. I knew there was another vampire seeking you and your companions, and I could not allow any harm to come to you. Though I knew deep down our paths could not entwine romantically, I saw myself as your guardian angel, watching over you in silence."

Gonzalo laughed nervously at this. I could tell he did not see himself as alluring, certainly not to my level. I moved closer, trying to decipher his feelings.

"Gonzalo, there are many qualities vampires find attractive beyond mere looks. That night we met, I discovered something extraordinary. You, my dear, are my singer - the one whose blood calls to me. Yet despite that primal draw, I resisted the urge to take your life. At the time I could not understand why, but now it all makes sense."

I smiled warmly, hoping to put him at ease. There was much yet unsaid, but for now I focused on gaining his trust. With time, perhaps he would come to reciprocate what I felt stirring within me. But I knew I must be patient. This was all so new and overwhelming for my dear Gonzalo.

I began to toy with the situation and moved closer. I thought it was the perfect moment; Od was no longer around, and I couldn't let this opportunity slip away. I whispered into his ear:

"Gonzalo, everything will be okay. I understand the depth of your pain, the struggles you face. But remember, time has a way of healing wounds, even the deepest ones. Allow yourself the chance to embrace the future, to let go of the past that cannot be changed."

Gonzalo, visibly confused, asked, "What do you mean?"

Finally seizing the opportunity, I kissed him. A surge of emotions ran through my body as I held him tighter and tighter in my arms, he wouldn't escape, I wouldn't let him go. My chest tightened, and I felt electricity coursing through my body—it was like a magnet; I was in a trance, a feeling very similar to when I tasted his blood when he was human. He took my hand, then we hugged and finally he embraced me fully. We began to breathe together in unison, and he started to grab me strongly. I took the initiative and let him lay on the floor. I jumped on him and decided that this was the moment to make him fully mine.

Then suddenly, after a few minutes, he pulled away from me, both still breathing heavily.

"Stop!... I... I can't," he stammered, his face confused, his emotions clearly in conflict.

I wanted to continue, so I approached and asked him, "Why? What's wrong?"

I enveloped him in my arms, breathing in his scent. He gently pushed me away.

"I'm not... ready... not yet. It's... it's too soon. Please, don't... don't do it again," he pleaded, visibly anxious, as if he had committed a sin.

I smiled and simply told him, "It's okay, Gonzalo. We have all the time in the world. We can wait."

I was furious and frustrated. Many much more handsome vampires than him had fallen for me in the past, and yet he, who wasn't that special, rejected me after such a passionate foreplay? How? "At least I took the first step, patience, he'll fall eventually, and then he'll be mine." I ended up resigning myself.

After I finally succeeded in making him mine, I would take him hunting, and finally, he could become a full-fledged vampire. It had been previously very easy with Arthur, but Gonzalo would require more work, more patience. First, conquer him, and then he could stop strictly feeding on animals.

His feelings were there; I knew I had him close. Even though he moved away from me, he never did it completely, and I could feel his agitation when he saw me. His pupils dilated every time our eyes met, and I always made sure to give him a smile, which made him very nervous, and that melted my heart. He was trying to resist me and loved it.

Weeks passed, and Gonzalo came and went. He constantly looked up at the sky or closed his eyes. I even saw him stretching his arms out, as if trying to grasp something.

Every time I asked him what he was doing, he simply said he liked feeling the wind blow and listening to nature. I believed him because I enjoyed doing the exact same thing occasionally, not as often as he did, but still. What interested me more and made me happy was that little by little, Gonzalo was accepting my closeness to him. Occasionally, he gave me a kiss on the cheek when he wished to be alone, or he hugged me before he dispatched me. It was subtle, but it was a start. I suppose we were already something more than just friends. Gonzalo was very attracted to me; I could tell. But there was something holding him back from going further, surely his family. I'm very close, I know it; just a little more time and he'll be mine.

Since our trip, Gonzalo had fed very few times. Od had told him something, but they didn't tell me what. One day, Od arrived, excited, and said, "Today, we will hunt together! It will be our first hunt as a group!"

None of the three of us had actually hunted, and both Od's and my throat were starting to ache, just like Gonzalo's, who had been the one to go the longest without feeding.

I looked at Od, implying that Gonzalo was not yet ready for humans, and we had to wait. It had been the same with Arthur on his first hunt. Od just gave me a smile and started running, leading us to the place where our prey would be.

On the path, we came across a man on the outskirts of the city; his scent was exquisite. Perhaps that was why Od had been absent for so many days; he was looking for a good specimen. Od lunged at him; the urge was too much, and he forced me to join. I had been too long without drinking and fell. Gonzalo, in turmoil, closing his eyes and clenching his fists, shouted, "No! Stop!"

He pushed us away from the man, trying to save him. I was impressed by his ability not to enter a trance and attack; I saw his internal struggle, but he had no intention of touching the man. Od began arguing with Gonzalo.

"Why attack an innocent person?" protested Gonzalo. "This man probably had a wife and children! We were victims once too! We were humans! Don't you remember?"

Od countered, evidently annoyed by the interruption of his dinner. "We are no longer human, Gonzalo. We are part of the natural order, just like a predator hunts its prey. Look at humans and ants. Do you hesitate when you step on an ant, unaware of its existence? It's no different for us!"

Gonzalo continued, "But we were human. We know what it's like to be a victim, to lose your family, a friend. We can make decisions like humans too."

Od was impatient. I don't know what madness this brute had in mind, but he was ruining the dynamics we had. Od continued arguing.

"Look at what humans do! They kill too! They do even more harm to our planet than we do! If it's so difficult for you to embrace our nature, maybe it's time for you to leave," he added. "Anastasia, do something! This is your newborn!"

That's when I realized it. I was about to lose Gonzalo, and I didn't know what to do about it. I got down on my knees, pleading, "Please, Gonzalo. Stay. Give it a chance. You'll adapt, just like all of us. And... and... I love you, I can't live without you."

Gonzalo just looked at me coldly, then at Od, and finally at the body of the fallen human, and he only responded before leaving, "No, I can't be a part of this. I refuse to attack innocent people, to abandon my humanity. I'm leaving."

Gonzalo quickly left, and I watched him fade away in front of me, feeling helpless as my chance for freedom slipped away like water through my fingers.

"Why? Why!" I shouted at Od, demanding an explanation.

He continued feeding, paying no attention to my shouts. Filled with anger, I kicked his face, demanding an explanation.

"He's nothing, just a weakling. It was a waste of venom, and this confirmed my theory, I knew this would happen," he said, looking me in the eyes.

"Idiot! Maybe we lost a vampire with an ability! Do you know how valuable it could have been to have a vampire of that caliber? You never see beyond drinking and fighting. You're a brainless brute!"

Od stood in front of me, approached me seriously, looking into my eyes, and slapped me. After a pause, he said coldly, "Do you want to join him? Or would you prefer to accompany Arthur? You wouldn't survive for a single minute alone. You have nothing else but your appearance to survive. Come on, let's go... I would love to see how you'd fare with other vampires when they see you; at least I have respect for your identity. What do you think another vampire would see in you besides your body? I don't even want to imagine what they would do to you if I left you alone."

There it was, again. So many times I had heard that speech, over and over again. Od was the one who protected me when I was in trouble. He was the one who executed the vampires who overstepped with me or those I wanted to discard. Oh, Gonzalo, why didn't you accept your new nature? Why couldn't you have waited a little longer, shown me all your potential, and then we could have escaped and been together for eternity.