It's My Life
An entire month went by that Draco did not say a word to anyone, especially Harry, about his pregnancy. Draco just couldn't seem to settle with the information that he was indeed pregnant, even if it was confirmed by Severus and Madam Pomfrey. It was surreal to him, but it was happening. Draco had already begun to notice his stomach growing. It wasn't a great deal right now, but it was as Severus said that it wouldn't take long because of his thin figure. Severus was providing stomach soother potions for the nausea, and Draco did his best to keep his food intake as normal as possible.
Draco couldn't do much about the bathroom use or the mood swings, but he tried. Draco knew Harry was onto him because he was always telling Draco he could tell him anything, that he loved him and was there for him. Severus still urged Draco to reveal the news, and said he would, but never did. Everything else going on was preparing for exams. OWL's for the fifth years. NEWTs for the sevenths. Every other year was taking basic class exams, but starting next week.
Harry had taken his Apparition Licensing test, and no surprise, passed. Harry had been taking weekend courses at the ministry with Lucius's help. They had started in April, two months of classes, then the exam for those who were seventeen. That didn't apply to Harry as he was considered an adult at sixteen and it didn't matter because next month, he would be turning seventeen and didn't change his status now.
Today was June 5th, 1997, and Harry had been wanting to spend the day with his boyfriend to celebrate the news he could apparate freely, but also celebrate Draco's birthday because he turned seventeen. It was only a Thursday, so classes came before anything else. Defense had been Draco's last class, so when the tone sounded for the day to end, Harry dismissed everyone.
"Mr. Malfoy…Stay behind please." Harry asked. Draco waited as he was told to while everyone filed out. Harry flicked his wand to close the door and Draco looked at the man.
"You wanted to see me, Professor?" Draco stated.
"Drop the formality, Draco…We're alone and the day is over." Harry informed. Draco winced at his boyfriend's tone. "Is something going on that you're not telling me?"
"What?" Draco looked at him.
"Is there something going on with you that you're not telling me, Draco?" Harry repeated clearly. "You're quiet all the time and distant from everyone, including me. I've been picking up on it for months now and haven't said a word because I thought maybe you needed time and I shouldn't push. But I feel like it's been long enough and we need to talk." He paused. "So what's going on?"
"Nothing. Harry, it's nothing…" Draco tried. "I'm sorry, I've just been stressed about exams and trying to study everything I can." This wasn't a lie. Draco knew he was keeping the baby, and he wouldn't be able to attend his seventh year due to the baby being born right in the middle of it. After six months, he wouldn't be able to brew or use a lot of magic. Draco, currently, was about twelve weeks along, and that meant three months. Draco was studying for NEWTs and planning to take them over the summer, not that he'd told anyone yet.
"Dray, you're a perfect student. A prefect, and have amazing grades. You have nothing to worry about with passing." Harry informed. "I'm sorry that I have a hard time believing that's why you're so distant. You never come by to visit anymore, or sleep over. No dates in Hogsmeade. Not even here in the office or my room. You're first out the door, and always in your dorm…A place I can't be because of my status as a teacher. I'm sorry that it really looks like you're avoiding me and I want to know why. Have I done something to upset you?"
"Harry, no. It's not like that…" Draco assured quickly.
"Then talk to me, Draco. Something is going on, something you're afraid to say. I sense it, I feel it…It's radiating off you." Harry informed. "Are you worried about the upcoming battle? There's nothing to fear in that. It's taken care of. The Order will take care of the death eaters and Nagini, and I've got Voldemort. It will be over before it starts."
"I-I'm not worried about the battle…" Draco told him. "Harry, I'm sorry…I just…I'm really tired and I have a headache. Can we talk later? I just wanna lay down for a bit…"
Harry sighed and closed his eyes. "Yeah…Sorry for bothering you with my worry." He pushed off his desk and gathered his things to head upstairs to his office.
Draco felt awful. "Are you upset with me?"
"Yes, I kind of am, Draco." Harry admitted. "I don't like that you're always tired or not feeling well. I don't like that you're always looking like you're about to throw up. And I don't like that you're pushing me away and won't talk to me, but you'll tell your godfather." Draco's eyes widened. "I know he knows whatever is going on. You don't keep secrets from him about you."
Harry looked at him, it was clear there was some anger in his green eyes, but also pain. "You went to him in May, and he escorted you to the hospital wing. I know that he has to know what's going on because he told me that he only dropped you off and left to come get the student of his I was holding onto. He said you told him you were sick and that you were going to rest in your dorm through the pocket mirror." Harry remarked.
"But the funny thing is that I know that the pocket mirror he has is connected to mine and we stopped using them after I altered his mark to work as a communication line between us." The teen informed. "So yes, Dray…I'm upset and hurt you're pushing me away, and refuse to talk. I thought we were closer than that after a year and three months of dating."
"Harry…" Draco tried. "Please, you don't understand."
"Maybe I would understand if you'd talk to me!" Harry snapped in frustration. But then he sighed and closed his eyes before turning his head from his boyfriend. Draco could almost feel it in his heart how much Harry was bothered by his silence. "But I can't make you, so I guess this is how it's gonna be. Maybe you'll tell me when term ends, and you're not stressed about exams." He said, but it sounded defeated. "If that's even what the problem is…"
"Wh-What do you mean?" Draco asked softly.
"I mean that I don't know what the problem is. Research dictates that when someone gets distant in a relationship, it's because feelings have changed, or someone cheated and that person is keeping it a secret to avoid the inevitable fight." Harry told him. "So, if you're interested in someone else, or feel like we're not working anymore…Even if you cheated, Draco…" The teen paused.
"No! Harry, no. I would nev-," Draco started.
"You say you'd never do something like that, Draco, but we also said no secrets! We said we'd talk about things, work it out. We said dating wouldn't ruin our friendship where it all began. We said there was communication. We said there was trust. I've kept up my side of that agreement." Harry told him. "You're avoiding me. You're being distant. You aren't telling me what's wrong." He continued.
"So you either did something you're ashamed of to admit to me, or your feelings have changed, but you don't want to tell me. I would really prefer you just tell me out right so that I can be upset, but at least I'd know and we could be done with it." Draco flinched at the words of Harry saying they'd be done with it. "But the point is that you say you'd never do the things I said could be the reason…But you're also not doing what we agreed…" Harry sighed.
"How am I supposed to trust you if you can't talk to me? If we don't have communication and trust, Dray…We don't have anything." Harry took off his glasses to rub his eyes and the place where the nose pieces of his glasses rested before he put them back on.
"Harry…" Draco reached for his lover's hand, but Harry pulled it free and stepped away from him, arms crossed over one another. The look of hurt in his eyes was evident as he shook his head.
"I can't, Draco. Alright…I agreed to give you time to sort out whatever was going on and then come to me. I agreed to be patient, but I can't keep waiting around with the delusion you're going to tell me. I don't want to be held or comforted…I don't want excuses. All I want is the truth, and you can't seem to give me that." Harry confessed. "I'm sorry, I just can't. The stress and the anxiety hurts. Not knowing hurts…"
Harry paused. "I've spent the last week feeling like shit over this. It's making me physically ill to stress out this much over this. All last week, I had to dismiss my classes early because I couldn't breathe." Draco tensed up. "I couldn't breathe and I was having chest pains. I had to see Poppy, Draco, multiple times over last week, I'd say about four and she told me I was so stressed out I'm ending up sick and in panic attacks. That if I didn't find a way to calm down, I was going to give myself a stroke or heart attack."
God, what had he done. That's all Draco could ask himself, yet still, he couldn't find his voice.
"She warned me that if it happened one more time, she was going to Minerva to get me put on a personal health-related leave of absence until next term." Harry stated. "So I figured since all this is causing me to be stressed out and anxious that I'd confront you, and hope you'd tell me. But I guess I was wrong…"
"Please…Harry, please…I-I just need more time to-," Draco pleaded.
Harry shook his head. "I can't. I'm sorry, Dray…But I physically can't keep waiting around for you to find the courage to tell me whatever it is you did. Or if your feelings changed and you're trying not to hurt me." Harry told him. "It's hurting me either way now to know or not know. I love you. Okay, I love you enough to walk away and spare us both whatever it is you're trying to keep from me to avoid a fight…"
"But I can't do this. It's risking my health, and there's a battle with Voldemort coming that I have to be part of exclusively…" The man reminded. "So why don't we just stop?" The breath got caught in Draco's throat. Was Harry going to break up with him? "It's clear there's…Some kind of barrier between us, and maybe it's a sign that we need to separate for a bit and reevaluate things. Both take time to decide if we should stay together or just call it quits before we argue so badly that we don't just break up, but lose the friendship we had before…"
"Then…You're breaking up with me now?" Draco couldn't look at him.
"No, but we are on a break. It's where we stay together but don't do any of the things we did before in the relationship. No dates, no kissing, hugging, hand-holding. No foreplay or sex. No sleepovers…In this, the only time we see each other is in class. In this, neither one of us has to worry about anything regarding the other…" Harry explained.
"We're just giving ourselves some space to think and decide to keep going or not. A break makes it even regarding the distance between us. The avoidance. No communication…No pressure. After a period of time passes, we'll sit down and discuss the reflection period and decide where to go from there. Whether it's together, or we part ways. Where we each make the decision of what's best for us." He revealed.
Harry paused. "So the break starts now. We can…Set the discussion for after term ends, at the end of June perhaps. Gives us a couple weeks apart…Unless you make your decision earlier and just want to tell me." He stated softly. "Regrettably…Your silence speaks volumes and I already have a feeling of what the end result will come to. In which case…I shall use the time not to make my choice of what I want," Harry paused, hiding his eyes from Draco, but the blonde assumed it was because Harry was trying not to cry in front of him. "But to prepare myself for what I'll lose."
"Harry, no…No, it's not like that! Please…" Draco tried.
"But for now, Mr. Malfoy…" Harry's professionalism hurt. "I know you're not feeling well. I'm sorry I've kept you after class so long. You may leave now. Just have your head of house, or Madam Pomfrey drop me a message if you'll be too ill to attend classes. I'll ensure one of your housemates collects the work for you." Harry stated. "Go rest. Oh, and happy birthday. Finally seventeen, welcome to being of age. I hope you feel better soon." He smiled.
"Go on. I wouldn't want your godfather or friends to think I'm keeping you for some kind of punishment. I have some work to get done. Please excuse me." Harry told him before unlocking the door for Draco, then he gathered his things and headed for his office.
Once inside the room with the door closed, Harry tossed his things on the floor as he fell back against the door hard, knowing it caused a loud thud. Harry tried to blink away the tears that formed, and couldn't. His legs gave out and he slid to the floor, knees drawn up before he lowered his head on to his arms and let the tears fall freely.
Draco had watched as Harry made his way upstairs to his office and disappeared behind the closing door. Draco felt tears well up in his eyes as he had heard Harry hit the door to his office, and in that silence, heard his boyfriend start crying. Draco knew he'd hurt Harry, and broke his heart.
Draco bowed his head knowing that Harry put them on a break to try and lessen the pain, but the boy had already decided that the relationship was likely going to end in a few weeks and was going to use the time to prepare for the goodbye.
The worst part, he couldn't even blame Harry for feeling the way he did. Draco had been so distant and secretive that he pushed Harry right into thinking he didn't love him anymore. And the worst thing Draco could have done was stay as silent as he did, not defending himself or revealing to Harry what was really wrong. Feeling like there was nothing he could do right now, Draco left the classroom to return to the Slytherin common room.
If he tried to push Harry now, they'd fight more and Draco didn't want that. Draco knew he should have spoken up, but he couldn't understand why it was so hard to tell Harry about being pregnant.
There were far more scary things than admitting this, but Draco just couldn't bring himself to do it and it was going to cost him the man he loved. Worse, Harry would find out on his own and he'd be far more angry and upset that Draco kept something like them having a baby together from him.
. . .
About two weeks had gone by since Harry and Draco last spoke. Aside from Draco's time in the classroom itself for lessons, they didn't see one another outside of such. Harry stayed busy with work and issuing tests for all his students, both a physical and written portion.
Of course, Harry remained unbiased to Draco as he was supposed to as his teacher, but the hurt always got to him after the fact. Why wouldn't Draco just tell him what was wrong? Harry knew that Severus had to know, but it wasn't his place to reveal anything. All Harry knew was that Severus had to know because he didn't just drop Draco off at the infirmary and leave.
There had been far too much time in between Severus dropping Draco off and coming to him. Plus, Draco's eyes had widened in shock when Harry called him out, so that told Harry Draco had told Severus whatever was happening.
Harry wracked his brain over and over again, but he couldn't figure out what was going on. If Draco couldn't come to him, was there a reason for them to stay together? Harry had left things alone, so far, but he would try again now that school was over. Or this year, at least.
Harry suspected Voldemort would make a move soon. The man had been far too quiet, but that was fine. Harry was ready for him, whenever that took place. The last couple weeks had passed by Harry in a blur; he admitted that he stuck to his classroom, office, and bedroom. The only people who saw him were students because Harry wouldn't go to meals in the hall anymore. Harry had an elf bring him meals, and Harry drank every couple of nights, but not in excess.
Knocking brought Harry from his thoughts as he looked to his office door and he simply flicked his wrist to open it, finding Severus there.
"Voldemort is marching towards Hogwarts with his entire following." Severus stated quickly.
"I know." Harry finished his drink. "I fully expected it sometime today. No time better than when everyone will be leaving the school for summer."
"Harry…Are you drunk?" Severus asked.
"I wish. No matter…Let's go fulfill a prophecy." Harry stood up and prepared to leave his office, but his father grabbed his arm and pulled him back.
"Stop." The potions master said firmly. "Harry, I'm worried about you. Are you up for this? It's the final battle." Severus pushed. "You've been radio silent for weeks, and no one has seen you outside of classes. You've been drinking…Harry, talk to me. What is going on with you?"
Harry didn't need to get emotional right now. Not before the battle with Voldemort. Harry sighed. "I'm gonna end things with Draco."
"What?...Harry, why?" Severus inquired quickly. "Did you two fight about something, say things in the heat of it?"
"I wish that was the problem, Dad." Harry looked off to the side, keeping tears away. "He won't talk to me. He has been distant for weeks, avoiding me…I did what you suggested. I let him know I was there if he needed anything. I gave him time….But he won't tell me what's wrong. I confronted him two weeks ago, he still wouldn't tell me…I put us on a break, but I think it's pointless. I guess we've just hit the end of it…No communication, non trust…Without that, what do we have? Nothing…I can't do it, Dad. I love him. Yes…But I can't stay with him if this is how it's going to be. It hurts too much…"
Severus understood now. Draco still hadn't told Harry about the baby. It would break both of them to lose the other. How did he help with this without giving away the secret. Draco had to be the one to reveal it.
"Son…Just give him a little more time. Everything is stressful and-," Severus started.
"No. I told him no more excuses, and I'm telling you the same. I don't want excuses, I want the truth." Harry remarked. "The only one who is stressed out to hell and back right now is me. I've been stressed for weeks with this battle coming. With work. With my relationship…Dad, I had to release my classes early several times three weeks ago because stress was causing me chest pains, and shortness of breath. I nearly blacked out twice."
Severus had worry in his dark eyes. "I had to go to the infirmary four times, and Poppy told me that I was going to stroke out or have a heart attack if I couldn't get it under control. And if she saw me one more time, she was going to Minerva to send me home for a health-related leave of absence until next term…And all that…" Harry paused. "Came from just worrying about Draco. Worried that his feelings changed, or maybe he cheated on me and was too afraid to tell me…Scared that he's terminally ill or something…"
Harry took a breath to calm down. "But he won't talk to me…I put us on the break for mutual time apart to decide what to do, what would be best for us…" He paused. "It was my way of giving him more time, but it hurts too damn and I can't do it anymore. No communication, no trust…No anything. So when the term ends, I'm breaking up with him because that is what is best for us, at this point, rather than keep pushing and end up fighting, losing not just the relationship, but our original friendship too."
Severus saw Harry's side. He was stuck in the middle here. "Harry…Why haven't you told me about the frailty of your health with all this stress? I'm your father, and…-,"
"Stop." Harry told him. "Just stop…" The teen paused, now looking at his adoptive father with sadness, but also hurt and a hint of betrayal flashing through. "I know you are my father, and I love you eternally…But you are also Draco's godfather." Severus closed his mouth. "And I know you know whatever is going on that he won't tell me. I know you were with him in the room the day you took him to the infirmary. I know you know."
"Harry…" Severus tried.
"There was too much time between where you were to drop him at the hospital wing, then from there, get to me to collect that student. And the two-way mirrors, I know you don't have one with him. Yours is connected to mine, that we agreed to keep as a backup line of communication. Draco's eyes widened when I brought up you knowing. So please…Don't lie to me, Dad. I know you know. I know you know that he told you himself. Didn't he?" Harry inquired.
"Yes." Severus replied. "But Harry…It's not what you think. Please, just give him a little more time to tell you."
"I've given him weeks. Months, Father. An infirmary trip, scared to tell me or feels like he can't because it'll hurt me? It's obviously something health-related and from the sounds of it, he's sick and there isn't a cure so he doesn't want to tell me he's dying." Harry stated. "And if that is the case, then regardless…My decision to put us on a break so I could prepare for the goodbye was the right call. I know he doesn't want to hurt me with the truth, so I'll just…I'll end it myself and save him the trouble."
"Son, that's not what-," Severus started.
Harry closed his eyes and shook his head. "Please…Please, just don't…" Harry put his hands up. "It's hard enough as it is and we don't have time for this. Voldemort isn't gonna wait…So please stop, and let's just go get this battle over with. Okay?...I need my focus on the fight, I don't need it clouded with all this…" The teenager stated.
"Maybe when this stress leaves me, I'll calm down and rethink things…If Draco can show me that we still have communication, trust, and honesty. But right now…There is no point in continuing the relationship as it currently stands." Harry looked at his father again. "Now, I'm done with this conversation. There will be no future for anyone if Voldemort is not defeated. This battle…Is top priority."