JENNIE
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The long white hallway seemed endless. Like I could never get to where I was going. Where was I going? I was lost. Looking for someone. Tae. He was missing. That was it. I hadn't seen Tae. I had to find him. The never-ending stretch of white walls and tile floors smelled of antiseptic and death. I was in a hospital. I'd seen too many of those.
I wanted out. I didn't want to be here. Where was everyone? How had I gotten to be so alone? Who left me behind? Was it Tae? I had to find him. Someone. I didn't like it here.
The walls felt like they were closing in, and my heart pounded in my chest as panic began to set in. I started to run. I had to get out of this. Find the light. Find the way to him. To where I needed to be.
Then a door opened and she stepped out. Her long, dark hair tucked behind her ears and her emerald-green eyes on mine. I inhaled deeply for the first time. My heart slowed and I stopped running. The walls opened back up and I was going to be okay. I wasn't lost now. I wasn't alone.
She was there now. In front of me.
"I thought you might need a decent cup of joe," she said.…
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My eyes opened and I was once again in my dorm room staring at the ceiling. Although I had never been in a long white hallway, lost with walls closing in, there had been something so real and familiar about that dream. As if Lisa had been there before. When I was lost. But that didn't make sense.
"I thought you might need a decent cup of joe" seemed so real.
I sat up and my phone began to buzz. I reached over and picked it up from the nightstand to see Lisa's name lighting up the screen. She was calling me. Why? It was three in the morning.
As hurt as I was, I couldn't ignore her. She might need me.
So I answered.
"I need to talk to you."
"Well, here I am."
"No, face-to-face. Please. I'm just outside."
"Where's Winter? Is she okay?"
"I took her home. She's passed out in her room. She's fine."
I paused. Why did she want to talk at three in the morning? "Are you drunk?"
"No. I didn't drink anything tonight."
"Okay. Let me put on a hoodie."
"Thank you."
I didn't say "you're welcome" as I hung up. If I hadn't just had that dream, I probably wouldn't be going outside to talk to her. Typically I had a little more pride than this.
I eased out of bed and quietly put on the hoodie I had gotten when I was sixteen on a trip to Edinburgh. Then I made sure I had my key to get back in before slipping from the room and down to see Lisa.
When I stepped outside into the cool night air, Lisa was waiting on the front steps of the building. She looked tired and her hair was slightly messy, like she'd had a rough evening.
"I'm sorry," she said, before I could say anything.
I was about to ask "for what?" when she continued.
"Asking Winter out. I … I'd come in there wanting to see you and I had complete intentions of asking you to the party."
"Oh, so you saw her and decided you'd rather take a date than a friend? I get it."
She shook her head and muttered a curse. When she looked back at me, her eyes were dark. "Is that what we are, Jennie? Friends? And you had a date already. I knew that."
She knew I had a date with Tae … oh. That might change things. I had gone out with Tae. We had had dinner and seen a movie. It was a military movie. Not my thing, but I had never gotten to choose the movies. My thoughts had been on Lisa all night anyway, no matter how hard I tried not to think about her.
"I don't know" was the most honest reply I could give her.
She ran her hands through her hair and groaned in frustration. "Jennie, I can't play games with you. Tonight was a stupid game and it made me miserable. I hated it. I made sure Winter had a good time and got her home safe, but I didn't touch her. I did that because she was your friend and she hadn't asked to be a part of a stupid fucked-up game I was playing. But I wanted to be with you. I always want to be with you. But there's Taehyung. The love of your life. I can't compete with that. I want to. But I can't sit back and wait to see who you choose. I need to know now. Am I wasting my time waiting on you?"
Tae was a huge part of my life. Asking me to cut that off now without giving us time was impossible. I owed Tae more than that. From the time I was six I had pictured my future with him.
"I can't tell you that. I don't know."
Lisa nodded and her intense eyes locked on me. "I didn't think so. But I had to ask. Not sure I can be friends, Jennie. I'm going to need my own time. Space. You understand?"
I did. My heart felt like it had been ripped out and thrown on the ground to be trampled, but I understood. She had to live her life while I figured out mine.
"Yes."
Then she left. And as I watched her go, I was afraid I had lost something I would regret the rest of my life.
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Later that day, I sat quietly in Tae's car while he explained why he was disappointed that I had a weekend job. For starters, I would miss all his games. I hadn't thought about that when I took the job. I just needed money.
He had been going on about the way I pulled away from him for over an hour. He was right. I was pulling away, and it wasn't fair to him.
"We used to do everything together," he said in a sulk.
"We used to do whatever you wanted to do." I almost covered my mouth in shock that I'd said something like that to him.
He frowned and stared at me. "What?"
He really didn't see it that way. All these years I had accepted the way things were with Tae … comfortable with the way we were. He made the decisions and I went along with them. Until I woke up in the hospital and he didn't show up for three days, that hadn't dawned on me.
"I needed a good job that didn't interfere with my classes and studying. All I have free is the weekends. So I took the job. I love my job. I didn't realize your games were an issue. You don't see me on game day, anyway, most of the time. Y'all travel. I can't follow the team every Saturday. I can't afford that, or expect my parents to pay for it."
He sighed and shook his head. "You're so different since you woke up."
Seriously? That was what he got out of this conversation? That I was different. Not a "Yeah, you're right" or an "I didn't think of that."
"Did you not hear what I just said?" I asked him.
"Sure, but you aren't even considering my feelings."
Oh my God.
"You're right. I am different since the coma. I woke up and I felt different. I saw things differently. Maybe it was from the near-death experience, or maybe … maybe I dreamed of a different life." I stopped. Where had that last bit come from?
"A different life?" he asked, looking at me, confused.
I paused. I wasn't sure why I'd said that. But somehow it felt right. Like I had been asleep until that coma, and while I was fading, I was imagining the life I actually wanted. Although I remember nothing of that time. My memories were the car accident and then opening my eyes in the room to see my mother.
"Tae, I'm not sure I can be who I was before. I want an opinion. I want my needs to be as important as yours."
Tae didn't say anything, but he looked out the window toward the dorm where he had parked.
"I don't want to lose you … to lose us," he finally said.
"Then don't."
He finally turned to me again. "You're different. It makes us different."
Again, here we were—back to how I was affecting his life. Our plans had been to go to dinner and then to a party at a frat house where he was pledging. But I just wanted to go back to my room and study.
"Maybe we need time." I wasn't sure what he meant by that, but I nodded and reached for the door handle.
"Maybe we do. You think about what I said, and I'll think about what you said. Let's have some space and decide what it is we both want now and for our future."
He watched my hand on the door as I pushed it open, then he nodded. "Yeah, okay."
He didn't stop me or argue, and I was glad. I wanted to be alone. This wasn't an easy conversation, but it was one that needed to be had. I felt free. Instead of feeling weighed down with guilt, among other things, I was lighter.
Tae had to accept the me I had become if we had a future.
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I left him alone. Let him decide. It took him two full days before he texted me. The text he finally sent was:
You're right. I'm sorry.
That wasn't what I had been expecting. Nor did it bring relief. Instead, there was still confusion. My feelings for Tae had changed so much that I wasn't sure there was a chance for us now. The little girl in me wanted there to be a chance, but the me I had become wasn't sure comfortable was what I wanted in life.
There was excitement, and thrills, and not knowing the future. Even though I knew nothing about those things, I wanted them. Deep down inside I was craving them.
But he was sorry. And he wanted a chance. I owed him that. Maybe I owed it to me, too.
I replied.
Okay. What does that mean for us?
The photo I had placed by my bed of the two of us at homecoming last year stared back at me. We had been so sure then. No questions about what came next. I didn't miss that girl. She was lost. She just hadn't known it.
There's a party at a friend's apartment. It's his birthday. Will you go with me tonight?
It was a Tuesday night. I needed to study. But this was Tae trying, so I said yes.
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The only way they could be getting away with this was that everyone in the apartment complex was in college. Blaring music and laughter could be heard from outside. We had barely made it out of Tae's car when people called out his name in greeting. This was the football crowd. I hadn't met any of them yet and I realized that was odd.
It was also my fault. I had been keeping Tae at a distance and it was time I admitted that. I hadn't tried to get to know him or his life here.
"Hey, Taehyung, you promised me a dance," a tall, leggy blonde called out.
He tensed beside me and I almost told him it was okay. Because it was. I didn't feel jealous. A bad sign.
"She's a cheerleader. Just a friend," he said, his attention turned to me.
I shrugged. "Okay."
"Who's the babe?" asked a guy with long hair pulled back in a ponytail and beer in his hand.
We had just made it to the entrance of the building.
"Garth, this is my girlfriend, Jennie. Jennie, this is Garth."
Garth looked surprised by the word girlfriend. I began to wonder if this crowd even knew of my existence.
"You did good, man. And you work fast."
Tae was tensing again. "Jennie and I have been together since we were kids."
Garth's eyebrows shot up. "Wow. Well, all righty then. Let's introduce Jennie to the group."
The inside of the building just got louder. I noticed most of the doors were open and people were pouring out. I was beginning to think I didn't want to meet the group.
Tae stopped and introduced me to people as we went. I was shocked when he was handed a beer and he took it. That wasn't Tae-like at all.
No one seemed to know he had a girlfriend. It was a surprise. Only two girls who had come up to paw at him seemed to know who I was. I wondered if it was because he'd had to tell them he was in a relationship at some point.
The blonde from the parking lot kept looking our way, and when she got a chance, shot me smug grins. I wasn't sure what all that was about, but I had a few ideas. I wasn't that naïve.
Tae was a hit. Everyone wanted to be near him and they all wanted to talk about football. This was his element. I knew that, but I still felt like I didn't fit.
Was this what growing apart felt like? Could that be all this was? We were going our separate ways and this was how it looked.
"What about that dance?" the blonde asked as she wrapped an arm around Tae's.
I watched him closely to see if she had a reason to feel so comfortable with him.
He chuckled, but it was forced. "Not happening, Cat, but have you met my girlfriend, Jennie?"
That was subtle. I'd give it to him. He was trying to handle this without drama. I just wasn't sure it was possible. Cat looked determined.
"No, just like I was unaware of her until last week," Cat said, her eyes narrowing in my direction as if she wanted me to read between the lines. I was reading just fine.
"Excuse me while I take her off your hands," said Dan, a redheaded guy with a buzz cut I had met earlier, as he scooped his arm around Cat and literally pulled her away with him.
"That wasn't what it looked like," Tae said. He had never lied to me over the years. So now that he was, I saw it clearly.
"We should probably discuss that later," I told him.
He started to say something else and stopped. I would give him a point for being smart and shutting up. He had lied already. No need to dig further.
As the evening wore on, there appeared to be more girls who seemed to feel close to Tae. It was becoming more and more obvious how far apart our worlds had grown. There was a lot of talking about things they had all done that I wasn't a part of this summer. They laughed together and the inside jokes didn't seem to stop.
I stayed by his side like I always had until I needed some fresh air from the stench of beer and too many people. Excusing myself, I headed out while Tae entertained several of his buddies with some story about another friend I didn't know.
Once outside, the noise wasn't as bad and the warm breeze smelled better than the inside of that apartment. How many times had I gone to parties I didn't enjoy with Tae over the years? I was just now realizing this wasn't that different. Sure, I knew the inside jokes and the stories so I could at least laugh at those, but I had never felt like I had fit. Being Tae's girlfriend had just made me accepted.
"So you're the coma girl." The snide comment came from behind me and I turned to see Cat walking up to me. Fantastic. Just who I wanted to deal with.
I wasn't responding to that. Stooping to her level wasn't something I was willing to do.
"Tae sure didn't seem to miss out on a good time while you were sleeping."
I had seen enough tonight to know that already.
"He's going to get bored with this. You. All guys who come to college with their high school sweethearts realize there is something more exciting out there. They want to taste all the options."
From the sound of things, Tae probably had tasted some options. I shrugged. "Guess that could go both ways," I finally responded, surprising myself.
She laughed. "As if. When a girl has a guy like Taehyung, they don't let go easily."
Sighing, I turned and looked at her. "What do you want?"
She smirked. "Taehyung."
I already knew that. "Then why are you out here bothering me?"
She wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, that was for sure. Her frown signaling her confusion told me she had no idea what I meant.
"He fucked me. Three times in one night. Once in a bathroom at a club."
That hit my heart hard. It wasn't jealousy, either. It was … it was betrayal. I had been in a coma and he'd been … he'd been screwing girls in bathrooms at clubs.
I managed not to look like I'd been hit with a brick in the chest. "That says more about you than him," I replied. Actually, it said a lot about both of them.
"What? That I'm a good fuck?" she asked, laughing.
I stood there a moment deciding if I was even going to respond to this girl before I walked away. My chest had been cracked open and I needed to be alone. Finally, I said, "He's in there now without me. Stop wasting your time out here and go get what it is you so obviously want. Because you're not the only one. He's had girls all over him tonight."
Then I walked away. I knew how to get back to the dorms, and I needed the fresh air and silence the next four miles would give me.
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