The Magic School Bus Vs. The Time Traveling Nazis Part 1
Valerie Frizzle had been sleeping in the lab of her TARDIS again. She woke up on the floor, her eyes staring at the ceiling. Ms. Frizzle had spent the past night working on repairing their teleporter. She had studied engineering at the Time Lord Academy. In their previous incarnation as Willy Wonka; they had forgotten their true identity and species but had retained enough muscle memory to reconstruct a basic teleporter. Like many of their blueprints, Ms. Frizzle had shared her design for a teleporter with the late Dr. Benton Quest. Quest had not produced his inventions by his intellect alone, that would have been impossible for a mere human. Since moving to Walkerville to teach science, Frizzle had occasionally tampered with the designs she had produced in her previous incarnation. The next time an alien race invaded Earth, she hoped to use the teleporter to transport their fleet into the sun. Teleportation was notoriously difficult, Ms. Frizzle thought. Ms. Frizzle had traveled to the future in which humanity had formed the United Federation of Planets, in which teleportation devices were common. The development of teleporters was beyond the range of human science; the Time Lords had helped Starfleet scientists develop the teleporter. What would these silly humans do without us? They would have been wiped out ages ago.
Ms. Frizzle yawned and raised her back from the floor. She gazed at the clock on her lab wall. It was 10:30 A.M, long past the start of her class. I'll nap for another hour or two, and then time travel to the start of the morning. Ms. Frizzle went back to sleep. One of the advantages of being a time traveler was that you could never be late. You never had to worry about missing appointments, or being late, or not getting enough sleep or food. You were always in total control of your own schedule. Ms. Frizzle had once spent a year procrastinating throughout time and space, avoiding returning to Walkerville to teach her class on Monday morning. I shouldn't be this decadent. I should start teaching classes now. Ms. Frizzle stood up and left for the wardrobe room. She put on an electricity themed dress as well as lightning shaped electronic earrings. Let's get sparky! After eating a quick breakfast of waffles and orange juice, Ms. Frizzle sat in the driver's seat of her TARDIS, colloquially referred to as the Magic School Bus. "Good Morning, Liz!" Frizzle said to their lizard, who had crawled into Frizzle's lap. Ms. Frizzle entered the coordinates into the bus, taking them a few hours into the past. Mrs. Frizzle quickly parked the bus and raced into Walkerville Elementary School. They passed the assistant principal and she approached the door to her classroom. "You wear very patriotic earrings today!" the assistant principal called.
What? That's a weird comment. "…Thank you?" Ms. Frizzle replied as they opened the classroom door. She rushed into her classroom before the bell rung.
Ms. Frizzle gasped. She didn't recognize any of the students in her classroom. There was no Wanda, no Arnold, no Keesha or Carlos. All of the students were blonde, blank-faced and unfamiliar. The layout of the classroom was different, hostile. The desks were rigid and mechanical looking. There was no art on the walls of the classroom, only strange posters with harsh slogans. Ms. Frizzle turned to the door and shuddered with horror. A different flag, an evil flag, stood where the Stars and Stripes should have been. The flag was red, and in the center it had two black crosses- the double cross. The Flag of the Tomanian Reich. What? What? What is this Nazi garbage doing in my classroom? It must be removed! The school loudspeaker suddenly turned on. "Subjects of the Phooey! It is time to swear obedience to your country."
The blonde, unfamiliar students stood up and turned towards the flag, their arms outstretched in a salute. "Heil, Hynkel! Heil Hynkel!" Ms. Frizzle stood silently, gazing in horror as the class spoke a terrible dark oath in unison, an oath to evil. What is happening?
"Hello friends. This is your principal speaking! We are having a school assembly today! The God-Emperor is making a special national broadcast! All students and teachers, please report to the auditorium immediately!" The unfamiliar students formed three rows, and goose stepped into the hallway.
Something unspeakably evil has happened. I think I know what has changed, but I need to know more. This assembly will show if my suspicions are correct. Ms. Frizzle followed her class to the school auditorium. As the students sat in the auditorium seats, Ms. Frizzle turned her gaze to the auditorium stage. A giant screen was being lowered to the stage. Suddenly, a face appeared on the screen. The identity of the face was unmistakable. Adenoid Hynkel. The crowd immediately stood up and saluted, chanting his name.
"Greetings, children of Thule," snarled the toothbrush mustached dictator. "I come to you bearing news of enormous consequence. We will soon be able to turn the tide of the war. I have developed new technology which will allow us to finally conquer the galaxy Trialviron. More importantly, this technology represents the next stage of evolution for humanity. You will become Gods, like me. Our scientists have found a way to eliminate human weakness, to turn you into perfect warriors free of fear or hesitation. No longer will you be prisoners to this weak flesh. Your bodies will be refurnished with a stronger material." Hynkel's face disappeared, and new images flashed across the auditorium screen- a group of grey mechanical men were marching down a road. "We will be upgraded beyond our biological limitations into a higher lifeform- we shall become machine men with machine minds. These warriors were ordinary humans once, but now they have been improved. They do not know pain or fear. They possess only unswerving loyalty to the Empire. Starting this week, I am ordering the conversion of all subjects into machine men. We are opening processing centers across the planet. Conversion into machine men is mandatory for all subjects, unless I personally grant you an exemption. Our goal is to convert all humans into machine men by the end of the year. Our empire will then be unstoppable. Against Aryan ingenuity, Duneedon's army of savages will be vanquished." A picture of a grey, metallic head flashed across the screen to jeers from the audience. A CGI explosion burned the head to a crisp. "We shall exterminate them as we exterminated the Viltrumites. Control of the galaxy will be ours! Today Trialviron, tomorrow the universe!
Although the dictator continued to rant to the cheers of the school audience, Ms. Frizzle had heard enough. She fled the auditorium while her students were entranced with the Phooey's speech. The timeline has been altered somehow. Nazi Cybermen now rule the world. There's still something I don't understand- even if the outcome of World War II was altered, how did Earth technology develop rapidly enough that Hynkel can wage a full scale war against other galaxies? This is still the 20th century! There is much here that needs explanation. I must find an outside observer who can explain Earth's history- surely Uatu is still watching Earth even in this altered timeline. Perhaps he can explain.
The Magic School Bus materialized outside of a Moon crater. Ms. Frizzle could sense that Uatu's citadel was present, although the building was rendered invisible, presumably to hide it from enemies. Ms. Frizzle exited the Bus holding her companion Liz in her arms. Both were wearing space suits. Ms. Frizzle could see great ugly buildings in the distance, presumably constructed by the Nazis. Ms. Frizzle took out a small metal box, pressing the red button on top of the box. A hologram of a man with a bald, enormous head suddenly appeared in front of her.
"We've been expecting you, Time Lord. History has been rewritten in a rather clumsy fashion. It is not natural that a technologically limited species like humanity could so quickly conquer the galaxy. I've been waiting for one of your kind to arrive for information on when time went wrong."
"I was in my TARDIS when the timeline changed and was thus immune from the ripple effects. In the original timeline, Hynkel was defeated long ago- there was no Empire of Thule. I fear the history sources on Earth have all been corrupted by Nazi propaganda, which is why I came to you. I need accurate history untainted by lies. Tell me Watcher, how did Hynkel win World War II?"
"World War II? I do not know of this conflict. Hynkel rose to power during the rebellion of the American colonies- during the 18th century."
"In the original timeline, Hynkel was a 20th century German dictator who briefly conquered Europe."
"Ah- I suspected as much. It was clear Hynkel knew things a human of his origin could not possibly know- his official biography was doctored, so I could not determine how he knew these things. I first suspected Hynkel had received support off-world, but his policies of Earth supremacy belied that hypothesis. I suspected he was from Earth's future."
"But Hynkel was killed- how could he be here? He must have been resurrected somehow- which implies darker forces at work than just Nazi time travelers. There is still much I need to know. Gallifrey is gone- but there must be other advanced beings who could explain to me where the timeline went wrong."
Liz hissed. Ms. Frizzle turned to her companion. She was fluent in lizard, and thus understood what Liz was trying to communicate. "If the message is in the past, we don't have to address it immediately. We can pick them up later once we have a plan." Liz hissed again in response. "Who is Perry the Platypus anyway? Well, if he's been erased from the timeline then I suppose rescuing those creatures is our responsibility. Anyway," Ms. Frizzle turned towards Uatu's hologram, "I've programmed the Bus to download any historical records you might send. I'd love to chat, but I'd rather restore the timeline as quickly as possible." Ms. Frizzle took a phone out of her spacesuit. "Do you know how to contact the White Guardian?"
"The cosmic protector of order- I am aware of him, but I cannot reach him. I understand he was highly revered among the Time Lords, but he is a rather remote figure. There is an ally of his, of lesser power, another champion of order, who influences this part of the universe. But he has been reduced in power as of late. He is called the Ellimist. My friend Mr. Tinker- an Earthling who came to reside on the Moon many years ago- constructed a satellite dish for me which should be able to contact him if you enter the right frequency, you may borrow it if you wish. I am bound not to interfere with the affairs of other civilizations but," Uatu grinned slightly, "if you are the one who sends the signal, I'm not the one interfering, am I?"
After Uatu showed Miss Frizzle to the Satellite Dish, Miss Frizzle punched a few buttons on the connected computer, sending a message to the Ellimist. A figure quickly appeared on a nearby crater- the Ellimist had assumed the form of a pale, black-haired, sad young man.
"You look like Muad'Dib," Ms. Frizzle said to the Ellimist.
"My intent was to assume a form familiar to you- Willy Wonka, when you were young."
"That's silly- I never looked like that. I would never be that boring. Willy Wonka was cleverer than that."
"I used my mental powers to scan your past quickly, it's possible there was a mistake. In any case, we have more important matters to attend to. I've been waiting for one of your kind," said the Ellimist. "The Time Lords must restore Earth's history. This timeline is an aberration, a direct attack on the natural order."
"But I don't understand how the Nazis came to conquer the galaxy. There have been time travelers before who sought to change the outcome of World War II, but somehow Hynkel has been sent into the past. Who sent him there? Who is behind all of this?"
"There is no sinister force behind Hynkel- Crayak, my great enemy, has joined with him but did not engineer his actions. No, it is Hynkel himself that sent himself back in time."
"But how? I know Hynkel's timeline. Hynkel died- he couldn't have had access to time travel with 20th century technology."
"Hynkel was resurrected, sent back from Hell. The legends say the Devil was afraid that Hynkel would replace him as ruler of Hell- Satan's rivals plotted to install Hynkel as Hell's Emperor even before he died. The historical records say that Hynkel was killed by the Human Torch when the Allies invaded Berlin. In fact, Hynkel had multiple cloning operations- his mind and spirit changed bodies multiple times. He had a horcrux or two- this aided him in changing bodies. He was killed by Hellboy, and then entered a new clone body- the Hate Monger. He was finally reduced to a head in a jar, before he was finally killed. But then, he was resurrected. Shortly before the Antichrist started his thousand-year reign over Earth-"
"Wait, what? I know Earth's history, there was never an Empire of the Antichrist. What are you talking about?"
The Ellimist's pale avatar sighed wistfully. "I regret to be the one to inform you, Valerie. Damien Thorn- the Antichrist- went to great lengths to hide his presence in the timeline from the likes of us. He made powerful limits on the use of time travel within his Empire- so that when a traveler from another time visited, they would be transferred to a parallel reality, or the true nature of his Empire was hidden. A very advanced temporal defense. In the rightful timeline, the Antichrist conquers the Milky Way Galaxy and rules from the 21st century till the 31st. A very brutal, sadistic tyrant, one of history's worst. Emperor Thorn will fail in his ultimate goal to displace God and become absolute ruler of the universe. He is destined to be slain by a samurai prince, a manifestation of the Eternal Champion. But that future has been altered. Hynkel was sent back to Earth from Hell as a servant of the Devil to aid in Thorn's conquest of the Earth. He became a politician again- of some modest success, before being appointed as Thorn's viceroy over Europe. But like many of Thorn's lieutenants, Hynkel became jealous. Hynkel knew he was once floated as a potential King of Hell. Thorn had his thousand-year empire, but Hynkel always desired a Thousand Year Reich. He thought Thorn had usurped his rightful position. And so he plotted to redo history, to replace Thorn's reign with his own. He had a pair of advisers, neo-Nazis who had indulged in time travel with little success. They claimed to have been to ones to resurrect him. They encouraged him to travel back in time. Hynkel gathered research and technology in preparation for an expedition to the past. But time travel in the Terran Empire was closely regulated by Tenet- Thorn's time police- and eventually Hynkel's efforts were discovered. But Hynkel became aware of an ancient cosmic force, so old that it was beyond the power of Thorn to control. I speak of course, of the Guardian of Forever."
"Yes, they taught me about him as a child on Gallifrey."
"Hynkel launched an expedition to find the Guardian of Forever, evading Thorn's forces. Upon finding its hiding place, Hynkel entered the Guardian of Forever and emerged around the time of the American Revolution. Hynkel did not emerge alone- he came with retainers, magic and advanced technology. According to the official history, Hynkel was among the Hessian mercenaries sent to the Americas to aid the British forces. Commanding the Hessian mercenaries, Hynkel surprised and slaughtered George Washington and the Continental Army. He then sacked Philadelphia and executed the Continental Congress. Hynkel was hailed as a hero by King George III, who appointed him supreme General of all his armies. Hynkel claimed to be the rightful prince of Hanover and overthrew the King, assuming control over the British Empire. He then invaded Europe, in imitation of Napoleon, and conquered the whole continent. The remaining nations of the world were soon vanquished and absorbed into Hynkel's Aryan Reich. The Reich exterminated or enslaved all those who were deemed racially impure, and Earth became an interstellar empire using technology from the future. Hynkel has rendered himself immortal and all powerful using ancient artifacts belonging to the Pillar Men. He has created multiple horcruxes since establishing the Reich, further rendering himself indestructible. Tell me Time Lord, have you glimpsed into the future, to see what becomes of Hynkel's Reich?"
Miss Frizzle nodded. "I used my TARDIS viewing screen to see the future before I came to the Moon. Without intervention, Hynkel converts all of humanity into Cybermen and conquers the universe. As far as I can tell, his expansion goes totally unchecked. Galaxy after galaxy falls to the Nazi Cybermen. All other life is wiped out entirely. Even the conditions for creating life are eliminated- the Cybermen didn't want the competition. All that remains in the future is dust and hate filled Cybermen. Somehow, a despot from a backwater world destroys everything. I thought I knew the evil that Hynkel was capable of, but even I couldn't have imagined the sheer scale of his crimes."
"Crayak is helping him- dark alien forces have gathered to ensure his success. We are fighting a war to stop him, but it is a war we are destined to lose. Hynkel's Empire is the ultimate triumph of the Black Thing. This is not the way things were meant to be. You must repair the timeline- restore the independence of the United States, prevent Hynkel from seizing the British throne. I may be able to help you remotely, but the fate of the universe is in your hands. The Shadow Galactica, under orders from the Black Thing, have seized the Guardian of Forever, making it impossible for our forces to alter the timeline- Hynkel and Crayak have furthered restricted time travel. Your status as a Time Lord has left you… preserved, a remnant. You are one of the few who possess the power to undo Hynkel's Reich. Save us Time Lord- save the universe. Even Satan, or what's left of him, has implored me to stop this madness."
"The Time War really screwed everything up. This sort of nonsense would never have happened if my people were still guarding space-time. In any case, the job is simple enough- go back to 1776 and kill Hynkel. I'll need to run a couple of errands first- Liz has informed me that a couple of his comrades from the O.W.C.A- well the Rescue Aid Society, its predecessor- have remained from the original timeline- time remnants. Misters Ralph Mouse and Jerry Mouse have asked to be rescued from medieval times. I'll get some help first, and then we'll get Hynkel once and for all."
ELECTORATE OF HANOVER, 1778
Prior to the swift rise of General Hynkel, Baron Von Munchausen had never taken any particular interest in American affairs. Munchausen was well traveled, but the American colonies were simply too remote and backward to hold much interest for him. The sudden victories of Hynkel against the American rebels had forced him to research the matter. The sovereign of Hanover, George III, was also the King of the British; and Hynkel's increased influence in British politics had become a matter of concern among the King's German subjects. Hynkel's German origins were initially a source of pride in Hanover, however Hynkel's lack of biography quickly disconcerted the nobility of Hanover. Hynkel did not come from an aristocratic family- he was a commoner, who seemed to have no origins at all. He was not known in Hesse, nor in Hanover, nor in Tomania, in Prussia, or in Austria. It seemed there was no family by the name of Hynkel in all of Europe, nor were there any in Europe who knew Hynkel before his victory over the Continental Army.
Baron Von Munchausen had been recruited by his late Cousin, the former Prime Minister of Hanover, to be a consultant for the Crown specializing in the fantastic and unusual. Munchausen's long history of unusual adventures left him well suited for such a specific role. Edmund Burke, a member of the British Parliament, had induced the government of Hanover to launch a secret investigation into Hynkel. Burke had opposed the crown's American policy, and was thus politically isolated especially as Hynkel gained more influence. The King was not particularly fond of Burke, but even he was growing a little uneasy about this mysterious German conqueror and allowed the investigation to proceed. Munchausen was not making good progress in the matter. He had determined that Hynkel was not a Turkish automaton or a merman; nor was he the resurrected Frederick Barbarossa. The Baron had even consulted with the Storks, who were often responsible for the delivery of unusual babies- often believed to be faeries or changelings. However, the Storks found no reference to Hynkel in the Stork Hall of Records, and all of their other deliveries were accounted for. Hynkel just appeared to be a man, but what sort of man remained unclear.
Feeling stuffy in his study, Munchausen decided to go for a walk. As Munchausen opened his front door, he saw a woman with orange hair on his front doorstep. "Good Sir, I must beseech you to join me on my quest against Adenoid Hynkel. Did you receive my letter regarding that heinous creatures' origins in the 20th century?"
"Ah yes, you must be Fraulein Frizzle. I must say, I found your story quite amusing if entirely unbelievable. You say that Hynkel is a tyrant from the future bent on conquering the world which is incredibly unlikely- a tyrant from the future would first seek to gain control over France, the nation best posed to conquer Europe. Why would such a man start his career in a backwater like America? Surely time travelers would be interested solely in continental affairs. Secondly, you say you visited the Moon to gather allies for your quest against Hynkel. A voyage to the moon! I am sure you voyaged there, for I have traveled there myself, but your quest must have been fruitless. The people of the Moon have no interest in earthly affairs, why would you go there for help? It is well known that Uatu the Watcher is bound not to interfere in the affairs of Earth, and he would have thus refused to aid you. You claim Hynkel will conquer the universe, but when Micromegas visited Earth he correctly deemed us insignificant in the broader scheme of affairs. Would Hynkel really be able to conquer the giants of Sirius? Finally, Fraulein Frizzle, you claim you are not human- that you yourself are a time traveler from the great star empire of Gallifrey! This is quite a remarkable claim, and it is certainly an absolute lie! Do you really expect me to believe such a thing? Surely an advanced and majestic civilization like Gallifrey would not grant a magnificent and powerful machine like a TARDIS to a woman! Preposterous! Only a man can fly a TARDIS! Of all the Time Lords I have heard of, all who visited Earth have been men. If they did bring women, they certainly would not be permitted to operate the TARDIS on their own. Your story was just too silly and unbelievable, young woman. I am a man who believes in the values of the Enlightenment- of empiricism and rational thought."
"All genders are equal on Gallifrey," said Miss Frizzle, "and not that it matters, but I was once a man in a previous incarnation."
"I'm not sure why," said the Baron, "but that makes me uncomfortable. As a subject of good King George, I feel like your change in gender is a personal insult to his majesty."
"Indeed, your attitude is not surprising, your excellency, as your attitude is inexplicably pervasive among subjects of the British crown. Regardless, as a member of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, you are bound to aid me in such matters. History has recorded the deeds of your organization- I am organizing a group of unusual people like yourself in order to destroy Hynkel and restore history."
"I would like you to stop bothering me, Fraulein. You have rather spoiled my mood, and I am afraid I must cancel my afternoon walk. Good day to you." Munchausen closed his door and returned to his study. Three peculiar men were waiting for him there. They were deathly pale with black hair. They bared their teeth, revealing sharp fangs.
"You're interfering in matters you shouldn't be, Munchausen. You've gone too far this time. There will be retribution."
"If this is with regards to the overdue library books, I told Herr Heinemann I'm willing to grant a large donation to the library in exchange for keeping them for as long as I need. There's no need for threats."
"Our master has sentenced you to die. Prepare for your end, mortal!" The vampires snarled and lurched at the Baron. Suddenly, the vampires fell to the floor, writhing and screaming. Munchausen turned to see Miss Frizzle behind him, holding a mysterious mechanical device.
"Hynkel has retrieved some magical artifacts from the civilization of the Pillar Men in ancient Mexico. These artifacts have granted him immortality and control over the world's vampires. The Volturi have been compelled to swear allegiance to him," Miss Frizzle explained. "These assassins hail from the city of Selene, judging by their clothing. Hynkel must have caught wind of your research and ordered your execution. Fortunately, I possess an anti-vampire ray which neutralizes attacking vampires by emitting a high frequency sound wave which interferes with their physiology."
"Are you sure," asked Munchausen, "that it isn't the Turks? There is a cabal of immortals in the city who might want me dead."
"No, it isn't the Turks, I checked the historical records. According to Uatu's computer files, you were supposed to be murdered by vampires today, vampires working for Hynkel. A man of your cosmopolitan experiences might prove a challenge to his political position- he therefore tried to eliminate you."
"I must apologize, Fraulein Frizzle. We knew Hynkel was a suspicious character, but clearly we underestimated him. If you have further evidence to prove your claims, I will certainly join your merry crew to stop this tyrant."
"The fact that I prevented your assassination proves we can still alter the timeline. Come to my TARDIS. You are the last of the recruits, you can meet the rest of the League- the League for the Defense of the Universe. We're travelling back to 1776 to stop Hynkel before he can change history. The fate of not just humanity, but the whole universe is at stake. We must make haste, in case more vampires attack."
Sources:
The Magic School Bus, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Star Trek, Jonny Quest, The Great Dictator, Doctor Who, Read All About It, Invincible, Marvel Comics, Phineas and Ferb, Ozma of Oz, Animorphs, Dune, The Omen, Samurai Jack, The Eternal Champion, The Devil with Hitler, Hellboy, They Saved Hitler's Brain, Look Who's Back, Tenet, Subnormality, JoJo's Bizarre Adventures, Sailor Moon, A Wrinkle in Time, The Rescuers, The Mouse and the Motorcycle, Tom and Jerry, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, Micromegas, Immortals (Turkey)