Chapter 7

M.I.T.

FRONT OFFICE

Ben Linus had never had much of a reason for dressing up – if anything, leadership of the Others required your clothes being as dirty as your hands were – but he figured when going to one of the most esteemed institutes of learning he needed to as least make an effort.

Lexi Grey had opted for casual. "Did Dan give you indicate what this breakthrough was in?" she asked.

"All he said was that it might lead to some major answers, if not necessarily in what we're looking at," Ben said. "He said he'd know more when we got here.

Lexi raised an eyebrow. "And you didn't ask any follow-up questions?"

Ben gave a small smile. "Given my predilection for withholding information, I didn't feel I had much of a leg to stand on." He hesitated. "There is a possibility he might not have wanted to say too much over the phone."

Lexi was about to argue that this was a bit paranoid, then remembered some of the stories they'd been hearing about their government the last few years. Even if you hadn't spent your life on an island, there was every reason to think someone might be listening it.

"He has said he'd been working in relative physics again," she said. "It is likely he went back to his old habits."

"We do have a way of falling back into old patterns," Ben said. "No matter how hard we try, leaving the past behind can be impossible."

Lexi had not pushed the issue that much since joining the group. She decided now was as good a time as any. "The monster, you said you were able to summon it."

Ben winced a little. "Part of me now wonders if it was summoning me."

"We've been going through the research, and one of the working theories I heard – particularly from Locke – was that some of the dead on the island were a manifestation of it."

Ben actually turned towards her. "It's an interesting theory. One of the more logical ones I've heard in thirty years. Lexi, I appreciate your tact on most occasions and I don't have a problem with it now. But there's tact and delay."

Lexi sighed. "You've been called many names by Jack and his friends. None of them was stupid. Which means not only do you know what question I'm about to ask you, you've considered it a lot over the years."

Ben actually smiled. "You ever play chess, Lexi?"

"No but I'm hell at Texas hold-em," she countered.

"Ever since John returned from the island, he had some interesting revelations about what exactly was going on. Not only while he was there or when I was there, but far, far longer."

Lexi began to wilt a little. "How much would I shrink in your estimation if I told you I didn't want to know yet?"

"If anything, it would make me think more of you," Ben said. "I always thought there was a consequences to being chosen. Perhaps the people who are happier are the ones who destiny chooses to ignore."

Lexi couldn't exactly argue that point. She might not know as much about the island as her sister did or her friends but she knew enough to know that everybody who had survived the plane crash had been supposed to and that one of the unifying themes was they had all been immensely unhappy.

"That doesn't necessarily mean that our lives are picnics," she reminded him.

Ben's look turned apologetic. "You're right. I keep forgetting."

"It's fine. You don't know me well enough to hurt me." She paused. "Deliberately. But you're right. There are some questions I'm not entirely sure I want answered."

"Maybe we should. " Ben paused. "I'm not deliberately trying to be hurtful, despite my reputation. But I am in the rare position to offer advice in this particular situation. I spent too much of my life hoping that I could see my mother again. I sacrificed a lot – more than I would like to admit – on that false hope. "

Lexi got what he was saying. "You think I signed on to this for the same reason."

"The thought had crossed my mind. It may very well have crossed your sister's as well."

Lexi looked at him. "Has she said anything?"

Ben shook his head. "But that alone means nothing. After all, one of the reasons she's doing this is because she saw her mother when she was…crossing over."

Lexi wasn't about to pretend this wasn't a factor. Heaven knew it had been discussed often enough in so many of the meetings.

"I was finishing med school when it happened. I mean, it's not like it would have been the kind of thing I would have rushed to the hospital for. When your mom comes because she can't stop hiccupping, you don't even bother to say you're in the ER." Lexi looked down. "Meredith told me that every single thing that led to her dying had a less than 1 percent chance of going wrong. I don't need to have the intellect of Dan Faraday to know how infinitesimal the odds were of all of them happening one after the other."

"When did you get enough nerve to ask her the question?" ben knew the two sisters hadn't even known of each other's existence until Lexi showed up to start her internship and that it had taken over a year for them to finally build any relationship at all.

"Two months in. I think she did it more because the two of us were doctors than any sisterly bond at the time." Lexi said. "Still, she went over it with me every step of the way. I was hoping it would bring closure."

Ben shook his head. "Another thing I learned the hard way; when it comes to losing your mother, closure's a myth."

"Did you sign on to this out of the hope of seeing your mother again?" Lexi turned the question back on Ben.

"As much as I would like to unilaterally say no, I can't," Ben admitted. "I am beginning to think that when I saw her on the island, she might very well have been a manifestation of that thing in the jungle. Whatever that thing is or was, it clearly was manipulating everybody on the island by finding their weak spot. I can't pretend it wasn't mine."

That was more than Lexi had expected to get out of Ben on the subject. So she decided to respond in kind. "Much as I miss my mother, I'd rather not see her again," she told Ben. "Not so much for my sake, but for my family's."

Ben knew that Lexi had a sizable family. He also knew that wasn't who she meant. "How's your father doing?"

"Molly told me he got his 90 day chip," Lexi wouldn't look at him.

Ben could also speak on this subject with authority. "I don't think my father stayed sober for more than 90 hours straight. I realize that may be a low bar…"

Lexi's tone softened. "When this is over, could we maybe talk about this?"

"You do know I'm not exactly the best role model when it comes from getting along with your father." Ben had started this almost as a joke but now he was wincing. "Or raising a child."

"That means you know what mistakes not to make. From either side of the mirror."

That was one of the better compliments Ben had been paid in his life, which was sad when you thought of it.

"My apologies." They looked up and saw that Dan and Charlotte were walking out to meet them. Dan was in his traditional look – blue shirt with a collar, tie, vest – but he'd clearly straightened it up to see them. Charlotte was a few feet behind her husband.

"Dan, if you forgot we were coming, I swear to God," Lexi's tone was a bit lighter.

Dan shook his head. "I wanted to make sure the lab was clear and that there was enough protective gear available."

Ben was slightly concerned. "You'd told us you'd improved the safety measures."

"And I have. I also know that you have to be prepared in case of emergencies." Dan reminded them. He looked at Lexi. "I'm guessing you've been fortunate enough that you haven't gone through any of the horror stories your friends told me about while they were in their first years."

"You talking about the Code Black?" Ben asked.

"That and I assume the incident when they were operating on a woman and there was some kind of toxin in her blood," Lexi winced. "Derek and Burke were operating on her in hazmat suit and they ran out of oxygen. Incapacitated almost every attending and it took Mer, Christina and Izzie to go into the OR, holding their breath in order to close up the patient."

"Do they at least give hazard pay for internships at your hospital?" Ben wasn't really joking anymore.

"If they did, Seattle Grace might have gone bankrupt before I got there," Lexi wasn't really either. "And it's not like there's such a thing as a harmless amount of radiation."

"'Acceptable' and 'harmless' aren't synonyms," Dan agreed. "Hence all the preparations. I'm certain the protocols will keep everybody safe, but there's theory and practice. I wanted to double check."

"And we appreciate that. Are we ready to see your breakthrough?" Ben asked.

"Hopefully you'll see it. Believe it…" Dan shook his head. "I'm still working on that part."

OFFICE OF DR. AARON SHUTT

CHICAGO HOPE

Meredith had known Shutt still held the title of Chief of Surgery at Chicago Hope and that this meeting might be more than just the three of them.

She had not expected that the attendees would include the Chief of Staff of the Hospital, one of the primary owners of the facility and another of the top neurosurgeons in the country – who Aaron Shutt had introduced as his wife.

Meredith Gray thought she was past the case of nerves at this point but this was more than she expected. Her best friend was being less than helpful as the moment Christina Yang had seen that Jeffrey Geiger was here in the flesh, she had been dumbstruck.

Fortunately Shutt had some clear ideas of what to say. "I realize this must be a bit overwhelming."

"Unexpected might be a better word," Meredith managed to get out. "Honestly I didn't think you'd have time for me, much less the nerve center of the entire hospital. How many surgeries have you had to push back to have this meeting?"

"Could you make this as quick as possible? I can't remember if I closed up my last surgery."

Philip Waters looked at Geiger. "Jeffrey, not all people are accustomed to your sense of humor."

"I was briefed on that." Meredith knew how to go from here. "Are you sure your singing didn't wake him up?"

Geiger blinked. "So Kate Austin did land at your hospital."

"She told me that all the stories about you are not exaggerated. Except your ability as a surgeon. That was."

Geiger actually smiled at that. "Okay. I do like you. You'll forgive the entourage. Aaron told us that you wanted to talk to him about a research study but that you've been maddeningly vague on the details. Our curiosity has been peaked."

"You may regret that when you hear what she's studying." Christina had recovered the ability to speak. "I'm her best friend, I completely understand the logic behind it, and I'm not entirely onboard with it."

Aaron smiled. "Let me guess. You're studying cardiothoracic surgery."

"Third year, same as Meredith." Christina said.

Philip rolled his eyes. "Your bosses must love the two of you."

"They tolerate us because of our potential," Meredith said. "We've caused enough headaches our first two years that they might very well cut us loose the moment we complete our residencies."

"Talent and candor. There might be hope for the next generation yet," Geiger said.

"Well, I've got far more of the latter than the former at that point," Christina acknowledged. "I'm not going to lie, Dr. Geiger, regardless of how this meeting goes I've love to have a private conversation before this is over."

"To tell you what to do or what not to do?" Geiger asked.

"I don't know the kind of shenanigans you got to when you were a resident, but there is a very real possibility I've broken more rules than you have at this point," Christina said openly.

Now everybody was curious. "Maybe the next generation isn't going that well," Dr. Simon said. "I tried not to bend the rules until after I was an attending."

Meredith sighed. "I'm guessing you've heard your share of rumors about our hospital over the years." She directed her attention to Waters.

"People have been saying things about Chicago Hope for years, most of it based in pure conjecture. I chose not to believe them without evidence."

"And if they're underselling the case to protect their students?" Christina asked.

Now Shutt actually looked a little concerned. "You don't have to tell us anything you don't want to."

Meredith and Christina exchanged a look.

"I know that look," Waters said. "I've seen on you two too often to count."

"It's kind of frightening when you're seeing it," Shutt admitted.

"At least it doesn't mean a surgical mistake," Waters said.

"You may wish it was when you hear this part," Christina looked at her friend. "Mer, it's your show. Fasten your seatbelts."

Meredith focused on Shutt. "My mother respected you greatly. Which means a lot because she didn't respect a lot of people."

Aaron looked at her. "She was very gracious when I declined her offer."

"There aren't a lot of people in the world who understand the kind of pressure that you and I had to live through. Not only when we became doctors but when we were growing up."

Aaron's face grew cloudy. "I'm guessing your relationship with your mother was as problematic as mine was with…mine."

"That's putting it mildly," Meredith said. She looked at the group. "I'm guessing you're all aware of the circumstances of her death."

All of them nodded. "How quick was the progression?" Aaron asked.

"Less than six months after her initial diagnosis she had no cognitive ability," Meredith decided to rip the band-aid off.

"Was she at that condition when she passed?" Simon asked.

"She'd had nearly a day of lucidity before the end," Meredith paused. "Just long enough for her to tell me she was ashamed of my choices."

Even Geiger winced. "And I thought my life was messed up." He paused. "What was the official cause of death, if you don't mind?"

"She was suffering from arrythmia when they brought her in." Christina said. "Meredith didn't mention one of the reasons she asked for her residency was to try and take care of Ellis. She was protecting her mother's wishes and that got shot to sunshine when her mother ended up being brought to Seattle Grace with a malignant tumor less than two months after she began it."

"My relationship with my mother was… not warm," Meredith said. "She raised me on my own but I don't think she ever really loved me." She found herself blinking. "Wow, I did not intend to reveal that much to so many respected surgeons all at once."

Geiger, surprisingly, spoke up. "At least you're dealing with it now. As everyone in this hospital knows I basically spent much of life ignoring my demons."

"Interesting you put it that way. My demons, however, indirectly are partially related to why I'm here." Meredith paused. "When I had some conversation with Dr. Austin she told me that there were more than a few occasions during her tenure that she had to operate under what could be considered precarious circumstances. I'm guessing that she wasn't alone in that."

"There was a patient, the year before she started here," Geiger said. "His brother had lost his spot on the waiting list for a transplant.. He gets a hold of gun, takes possession of the transplanted heart, enters the OR and holds me and my team at gunpoint, demanding we perform the transplant on his brother."

"We haven't quite had anything that bad…yet" Christina said.

"I didn't mitigate the situation." Geiger confessed. "I have a gun to my head and I kept baiting the guy. I was sure because I was the only one who could perform the transplant he wouldn't kill me."

"There was a pool among the nurses as to whether when it was over one of your team would shoot you instead," Waters told Geiger.

"I can't tell if you're joking or not, Philip," Geiger said.

"It wouldn't have been out of character," Aaron admitted. "At the same time, I was in the process of trying to remove bullets lodged in a patient's skull that, if I gripped them too hard, they could explode. I'd just seen a member of my team having two fingers blown off."

"I think I've got you beat on that," Meredith said.

"The Code Black," Christina agreed. "Yeah, there was what amounted to an explosive shell in a man's chest, and the only way to keep him breathing was to manually pump his chest. Meredith was doing this over all the oxygen tanks in level of below."

"Well, you're alive so it couldn't have gone too badly." Geiger said.

Meredith and Christina exchanged a grim look. "The moment the man talking to her gets the shell out, he walks about fifty paces." Meredith trailed off. "Boom."

The veteran doctors took this in. "I think she wins a prize no one wants to get," Dr. Waters said.

"I was lucky. I survived that near death experience." Meredith took a deep breath. "The next time, I wasn't so lucky."

There was a very long pause. "I'm guessing there's a story there."

"And I think I'd better tell it first," Christina said.

Christina did just that. Calmly and unemotionally, which was almost certainly the best way to do it.

Gina Simon recovered first. "I assume you have the charts."

Meredith reached into her case and brought them out. "The signatures are all there. The initials are that of the Chief of Staff. Half the hospital was watching me for that period, almost every moment was recorded."

"And I can verify the last part." Christina swallowed. "I was telling her I had gotten engaged and that I had to show her the ring. I am not now, nor have I really been, the kind of person who easily loses control of her emotions. That was one of the few times in the last three years I did. Because I was seeing the same thing you guys are looking at now. And I knew we had taken her as far as science could. Meredith Grey was dead. Warm and dead. And then she opened her eyes."

There was a long pause as these four brilliant surgeons looked at what these two mere residents had brought them.

"I know that they've made some radical medical advancements every few weeks," Dr. Waters said. "And I've seen cases that, every so often, make me regain faith in God. This is…"

"…a lot," Simon, the youngest among the surgeons, finished. "If you're asking us to explain how this is medically possible…"

"I'd be asking something easy of you," Meredith said. She looked at Aaron Shutt. "I think you know the real reason I wanted to meet with you now."

Shutt nodded. "I figured you didn't mention why I didn't take your mother's offer for a reason. I didn't expect it to be this."

"I think in this, I'd better go first,"

Meredith had told this story quite a few times in the last several months. This time, it was a lot more difficult because she was terrified what these brilliant surgeons might think of her when she related it.

When she finished there was a long pause. This time Jeffrey Geiger broke it – but his question was directed towards Christina. "What's your opinion of this?"

"I came because I care for Meredith as much as anyone else save her husband," Christina said. "And if anyone else told me this story I would have dismissed it outright. Even now, I'm not thrilled she's sharing it for public consumption. But I saw the same charts you did and I know what happened wasn't scientifically possible. I'd love to just laugh it off. But even though I don't really believe it, I can't dismiss it either."

Geiger considered this for a moment. "I'm guessing Austen told you about my eccentricities."

"She said you were a headcase who couldn't function outside the OR," Meredith said bluntly.

"She also said she saw you have a nervous breakdown in it," Christina added.

Geiger didn't seem offended. In fact, he smiled. "Good to know Kate never mellowed."

"Actually she has." Meredith said. "Just don't expect her to send you a birthday card any time soon."

"That would have been asking a lot of her," Aaron was smiling too.

"Since she had no problem sharing these details, I assume she told you the circumstances of why I broke down," Geiger asked. When both of them nodded, he added: "I don't think she knows that before she was hired, I had to undergo a competency hearing."

"It probably would have shocked her," Christina said bluntly. "Since it would have meant you passed it, and she clearly didn't think that was possible."

"You know when we were coming up, we know when to respect our elders," Geiger said with a smile.

"When did you ever respect anybody, Jeffrey?" Waters asked with a smile. "Now stop deflecting and say what you were going to say."

Geiger's smile disappeared. "You know the reason for so much of this?" he asked softly.

This time Christina turned vague. "We've heard rumors, but we didn't come here to pry into your personal life."

"I'd been going through my own mental issues for a while," Geiger mentioned. "Every so often, I would see my mother, even though she'd been dead for years and we'd have conversations."

"Did you consider getting a CAT scan?" Meredith asked. Both Aaron and Gina blinked at this. "Another reason I came here is because a close friend of ours, she experience similar hallucinations for months."

"Auditory and visual?" Aaron asked.

Meredith wasn't going to tell these doctors that Izzie thought she'd been having sex with Denny - not yet anyway – so she just nodded. "She underwent a series of tests that initially revealed nothing, but it ended up being a form of skin cancer that went to her brain. She ignored the symptoms because the individual in question was very important to her."

Shutt was clearly floored by this. Geiger shook his head. "If only it had been so easy," he told them. "It's clear in my case, at least, that among many, many other problems, I was dealing with a major case of PTSD. "

"That's understandable, given what we know about the disorder now," Christina said. "I can't imagine that it was easy to diagnose or treat fifteen or sixteen years ago."

"It's only negligibly better now," Meredith agreed. "It took me months after I…died and came back to seek therapy at all, and even longer to take it seriously."

"I don't know what it was like when you guys were going to med school," Christina addressed the group, "but surgical residents like myself thought that psych as a whole was crap. In hindsight, I think we were in denial about our issues."

"That can be a big part of it," Waters admitted.

"Depends on the therapist," Aaron agreed. "Still, it's one thing to talk about seeing the dead as some kind of psychological or neurological issue and another for a qualified surgical resident to being trying to find a scientific explanation for…"

"The afterlife?" Meredith said with a small smile.

"That's a bit out there even for someone like me," Geiger acknowledged. "And I can actually balance science and God better than most. I'm not sure I'd be comfortable knowing that the former could explain the latter."

"That's one of the reason I don't particularly want Meredith to follow this line of inquiry too closely," Christina told them.

"In case she's wrong or in case she's right?" Waters asked.

"Either way, it would do major wreckage to civilization," Meredith said. "Which has always been built on a shaky foundation as it is. I have ambitions, this is not what I want to be known for."

"So why did you come here at all?" Aaron asked.

"At some point, most likely when it gets too scary, I'm going to drop this," Meredith told them. "I've talked with the people running the study about a month ago about this very idea. We're all in agreement that when this gets to a point that we're uncomfortable with we'll stop and shove our findings in a drawer. But we're not there yet."

"What point are you at?" Simon asked.

"The information gathering phase," Meredith said. "We may not get much further than that. But Dr. Austen told us that you'd had an experience similar to mine when you had your aneurysm. I figured you might be one of the few people in my field who would not laugh me out of the hospital when I told you what this was about."

Aaron considered this. "You could have made a phone call and asked the questions."

"I respected you too much to that." Meredith paused. "And I thought you would be less likely to tell me to get lost if I made the trip here."

"And you're here for?" Aaron asked.

"Moral support." Christina paused. "Besides when my residency ends, I might very well end up at least trying to land here, I figured it wouldn't hurt to look."

Waters looked at Meredith. "Did she tell you that part?"

"No but it doesn't surprise me," Meredith said. "Different circumstances I could have ended up doing my residency here too." Now she took a deliberate pause. "Your turn."

Christina sensed she'd caught the older doctors off guard – all except Geiger.

Shutt kept his poker face. "What do you mean?"

"I will admit the circumstances of our communications were vague and you might have had reasons to doubt their veracity. However, when we set up this meeting you gave the impression that it would be with you alone." Meredith said neutrally. "Instead, I am greeted by the nerve center of Chicago Hope, all of whom are also your nearest and dearest. The fact that you have been completely friendly during this last hour does not change the fact that this was still an ambush. Before we go any further, I believe Christina and I are entitled to know why."

"And if you give us some bullshit about this being some test, we're both going to walk right now."

Christina was following her friend's lead with this remark but she shared a similar feeling. She knew enough about the gossip of hospitals to know the moment Mer had reached out, Aaron Shutt would have done his due diligence to try and figure out who these upstart young residents were and what they might possibly want to talk to him about. She assumed that the gossip for the attendings at Chicago Hope was the same as Seattle Grace's and eventually Shutt's colleagues would have found out about it.

There might well have been a discussion about moral or emotional support, and at Seattle Grace something like this might have played out the same way. The difference was – and Christina wasn't going to say this out loud – the attendings here were older and, at least theoretically, wiser. If Shutt had any respect for the two of them, he would have met with them privately, talked with them and then told his friends and family what had transpired. That they were in the room right now was at the least disrespectful. Meredith was being remarkably subtle in her tone; she had every right to be angrier.

Both women were surprised that Jeffrey Geiger answered. "You were right, Aaron."

Shutt blinked. "Philip, would you mind recording this moment for posterity?"

"I'm not sure I heard correctly. Would you mind saying that again, Jeffrey? Louder this time." Waters said.

"You don't have to enjoy it that much," Geiger said quietly.

"Actually I think twenty years of friendship has entitled me to hear it," Aaron Shutt said. "I'm actually sorry I didn't think to have my cell phone on to record it."

"Do we really need to be here for this?" Meredith was starting to get snarky.

"Jeffrey, this is your mess. I think they're entitled to hear why it was made," Simon told them.

"There are two explanations for why I wanted everybody around to hear what you had to say. The official one and the real one." Jeffrey began

"Let me save you some trouble: as majority shareholder of Chicago Hope, you wanted to protected the moral integrity of an institution that has had some struggles with respectability over the years." Meredith interrupted. "Having heard from the sieve that is our medical community, you learned that two residents from Seattle Grace, a hospital which in recent years begun to shift radical in the eyes of both its peers and the public at large, wished to have an audience with the head of neurosurgery and chief of staff."

Christina had a good idea what was coming. "For the sole purpose of making sure that your hospital was not associated with something that might…infect your hospital merely by being in our mere presence, you wanted to make sure that one of the public faces was not going to be embarrassed by signing on to anything that might impugn you."

"How exactly was this going to work?" Merdith was looking at Geiger now. "If we sounded too crazy, you were going to ask us to go outside, wait maybe fifteen minutes and then politely tell us that you couldn't go forward?"

"He was going to be generous and give you half an hour," Simon said with relish.

"And then when we were outside, mutter in stage whispers how batshit we were, and that you could see why we'd dropped from third to twelfth in the national rankings if we were the kind of doctors they were churning out these days," Christina told them.

"The next generation is getting smarter," Waters said. "They're immune to your bullshit."

"And we all know the official response would have been the bullshit one," Meredith told them. "Now would you mind giving us the real one?"

There was a long pause.

"I think he's been struck dumb," Simon said.

"Don't worry. It never lasts long enough," Aaron joked.

"My biggest problem all the years I've been a surgeon is that I've never been able to stop putting my nose where it doesn't belong," Jeffrey Geiger said slowly. "Kate knew that all too well, and I think collectively we worked together maybe three months over the course of four years. The people in this room – Aaron and Philip in particular – have learned to their detriment that it is a habit of mine that has not eroded with age."

"If it makes you feel any better, neither Christina nor myself are less guilty of those sins," Meredith told her. "If anything we may have bent, if not outright broken, rules of ethical guidelines that have been in place at least as long as you have been practicing medicine."

"I don't know if that's encouraging or discouraging," Christina added.

"I'd say it's comforting," Waters answered. "Some things never change."

"In Jeffrey's defense, your emails and phone calls were extremely vague in particulars," Aaron said. "And I did know just enough about Seattle Grace to be wary about buying a pig in a poke."

"The thing is, even if you had been more direct – or for that matter, merely been talking about something more traditional in your communication – I probably would have found a way to butt in regardless," Jeffrey admitted. "I think that part of who I am isn't going to ever go away."

"What was this about?" Meredith asked. "Curiosity? Envy? The chance to berate the younger generation as being clueless?"

"Two out of three at least," Geiger acknowledged. "And considering the two studies you're already attached; I'd be willing to admit to a certain amount of jealousy. I still haven't managed to get my artificial heart patented."

"It's a tough field," Christina said. "Seattle Grace still hasn't been able to get a model out of animal testing."

"And it's not like there isn't a certain envy on my part," Meredith admitted. "Without the pioneering work done here in cryosurgery we wouldn't be able to use it successfully at our hospital. Christina and I know when we go into the OR we're standing on the shoulders of giants."

"Of course, we never admit it to each other," Christina said. "That would mean acknowledging we're not giants already. And we all know how deadly such things as weakness or humanity are when you're going to be the best."

"Hmm." Aaron said. "How long did it take you to get that arrogant, Jeffrey?"

"I'm not sure but it was at least until I was an attending. Is this another one of those things that improves from each generation?" Jeffrey was directing his attention to Aaron's wife.

"No I wasn't that arrogant until my third year as a surgeon." Simon admitted. "How much of this bluff and competitiveness?"

Because this was coming from a female surgeon, Christina was inclined to answer honestly. "Sheer arrogance," she admitted. "And a refusal to ever admit failure, no matter how many times we do."

"Professional or personal?" Waters asked.

"Both," Christina and Meredith answered simultaneously.

"Our fellow residents are just as bad," Meredith added. "But they have humility that until very recently neither of us have been willing to acknowledge."

"Hey, don't lump me in with your problems. I have yet to make a single error in judgment." Christina joked. "Not publicly anyway."

"I like you, too," Geiger said with what seemed to be genuine admiration. "You clearly have at least some self-awareness that I have spent my professional life trying my hardest to pretend I have."

"So now that we've cleared the air, how do you wish to proceed?" Aaron asked.

Meredith looked at them. "I think going forward Aaron and I should have a private conversation. No offense to you, Dr. Simon, but there may be some questions I ask that might be a little too personal."

"I didn't meet Aaron until two years after he had the aneurysm and we didn't get married until three years ago," Dr. Simon told Meredith. "That said, I do understand the need to protect confidentiality in this kind of study."

She got up. Waters looked at Meredith. "When you and Aaron are done, perhaps we could have a conversation of our own. I had an experience not far removed from his myself. Perhaps it might be beneficial to your study."

Meredith hadn't expected this. "All right. I'll come see you after I get done." She looked at Christina.

"You sure you don't want my help?" Christina asked.

"You've supported me this far; I think I can handle it from here," Meredith smiled. "Besides, we both know that you wouldn't be giving this your full attention anyway."

Christina smiled sheepishly – a look Meredith was not used to from her person.

"Dr. Geiger," she said slowly. "Would you have time for a private conversation?"

"Aspiring great surgeon to GOAT?" Geiger asked with a small smile.

"Maybe more like two arrogant egomaniacs," Christina didn't know until she said it how true that was.

Geiger's smile was more wistful. "You want to learn from my mistakes?"

"Assuming I haven't made enough of my own that it's already too late," Christina said honestly.

"That self-awareness again," Geiger said. "There's hope for her yet."

Christina shook her head. "That's without knowing the kind of mistakes I've made."

"I've set a pretty high bar," Jeffrey said as they were leaving.

"Austen told me." Christina paused. "That's one of the reasons I'm here in the first place."

AUTHOR'S NOTES

I wanted to have a different kind of Ben-Lexi scene; Ben is trying to be a kind of surrogate father which is a better role for him than an actual one.

Lexi's mother died in Season 3 of Grey's Anatomy after a series of events starting with hiccups that wouldn't stop. We had no idea of Lexi Grey's existence at that point (Chyler Leigh didn't make her first appearance until after her mother had died) so we have no idea how she found out about it.

Molly, for the record, is Lexi's older sister (full, not half) and Meredith actually met her before she met Lexi (she gave birth at Seattle Grace during Season 3 and then she practically disappeared from the series) The relationship between Thatcher and his daughters was disastrous after his wife died; he essentially fell into a drunken stupor and did not come out of it until halfway through Season Five when he reached out to his children. Given how horribly he treated both of them after his wife's death, the relationship is still very fragile and based on abuse, something that Ben could relate to all too well.

Dan has clearly learned from his mistakes from his days at Oxford, and if you saw where he was in the flashbacks during The Variable, it's really hard to blame him for overcorrecting. Ben and Lexi's jokes about hazard pay at Seattle Grace are hardly jokes, given just how horrible the conditions could be at that hospital.

I realize I may have detoured to much into a fandom you didn't sign up for in the scenes in Chicago Hope but I did want to draw some parallels, particularly in the case of Jeffrey Geiger. That character was chased by so many demons in his life that there is a very good possibility that he might have been a candidate at some point, and in a later chapter I will get to that.

I also liked the parallels between Meredith Grey and Aaron Shutt, many of which did not occur to me until I wrote this chapter. Like Meredith, Aaron's father was a respected neurosurgeon who he always had a troubled relationship with. Like Meredith (and indeed like Jack) the parent who caused him so much grief died prematurely – though in Warren Shutt's case, it was a car crash. There are other parallels between the three doctors, and when I get to their discussion (which will be another chapter) it will become clearer.

Chicago Hope was essentially Seattle Grace with less sex. The incident involving the hostage situation in the OR and the explosive rounds took place in the same episode during the first season and Geiger did much to provoke the gunman throughout the situation. Geiger regularly discussed being visited by the ghost of his mother and there was actually a competency hearing for him in Season 1 which he managed to escape with his reputation intact. The cryosurgery that Meredith talked about did in fact take place in a Season One storyline but it didn't work out for the patient at the time. (I really wish that some streaming service drops it in my lifetime.) Philp Waters, played by Hector Elizondo, did in fact have his own near death experience during the fifth season but I'm going to save that for a later chapter too as it has the clearest parallels to what's happened in Lost and this series of stories.

Thanks for indulging me in this chapter. We'll be focusing more on the Losties in the next one.

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