"Finally," Father says with that fake smile of his, "that's better."
For you maybe, but not for me. He may wear his mask of gentleness well, but I can see straight through it. I look into his face and I remember all the times he hit me, whipped me, stuck me in the closet... and worse. Everyone in Abnegation thinks my father is the same at home as he is in council, but they have never seen him at home. They don't really know him at all.
When Jeanine Matthews started attacking my father with accusations of being an abuser, the Abnegation rallied against it, calling it a lie, but one thing they never did was come to our house and see if it was indeed a lie. After my brother left, I was the only one left behind with father, mother having died when brother and I were young. With no one left, father kept all his attention on me, and though I was 14 and trying to be everything he wanted, I just wasn't good enough. Yet.
He was a strict "disciplinarian", as he liked to call himself. Everything I did wrong, or just not quite good enough, was reacted to with harsh discipline. When my "offenses" were minor I was struck in the closet. When they got more severe I was whipped. When father was merely in a bad mood, I got worse punishments. There would be months when I would dread coming home, but because I am abnegation, I am not allowed to tell anyone, burden anyone, and no one comes to see.
"I'll help you prepare dinner tonight. Come," Father says, walking into the kitchen.
"It's fine, Father. You rest. I will make dinner." Please, rest, don't help. Leave me alone. Father looks back at me, his surprise written all over his face.
"Don't be silly. Come, I'll help with dinner," he says with a smile. It doesn't reach his eyes. I watch his back as he disappears into the kitchen, my hands trembling. Maybe he is feeling kind today. I can only hope. Slowly, I allow my feet to carry me forward, into the kitchen. I walk over to the freezer, where we keep our food. I can hear father get out a small pot and pan and place them on the stove top. I get out two chicken breasts and a bag of peas, our bread already in a basket on the dinner table.
"Here, I'll cook the chicken and you heat up the peas." Father takes the chicken breasts from my hand and places them in the pan, turning on the heat. I pour the peas from the bag into the pot and also turn on the heat. We are standing side-by-side and I take out a spoon and stir the peas. Father reaches over and puts his arm around my waist. Please, leave me be. Maybe he is just hugging me. It's an Amity greeting, but anything besides...
His hand slides down on my waist and a rock drops in my stomach. My grip on the spoon tightens. Of course he wouldn't be kind. He had council today, he is always in a bad mood after council. I should know better.
"The peas are done," I say quickly, moving out of his grasp. I turn off the heat and pour the peas onto a platter on the table.
"I just finished as well. Let us eat." Father puts one chicken breast each on two plates and sets them at our places at the table. We both sit in our places and Father offers me his hands, to give thanks before we eat. Tentatively I take them and close my eyes, ignoring his thumbs rubbing over the palms of my hands. Father gives thanks to God for our meal, and we start dinner. We eat in silence for a while, but Father finally looks up from his meal.
"Kathleen." The way he says it demands I look up.
"Some of my fellow council members are coming over after dinner to visit." I nod my head to tell him I understand.
"You know what you need to do." I can feel myself stiffen. Don't I look good enough now?
"Yes, Father." I don't dare question him. I look down and eat my last spoonful of food. Father finishes at the same time and reaches his hand across the table to take my plate.
"I will take care of cleaning tonight. You go and get ready."
"Thank you." I slide out of my chair and head up the stairs to get the bag. I stop outside of Tobias's room, his door is closed. I understand why he left, but it still hurts. He left me alone with Father. As soon as Tobias left, Father was crushed, and without Tobias Father's full attention was on me. It used to be Tobias who was punished and I was the "good" one. Father had always wanted a daughter. I close my eyes and shake my head to clear away the thoughts. No time for nostalgia. I head into my room and pull the trunk out from under my bed. This used to be Tobias's - Mother gave it to him to hide his trinkets. The day of his choosing ceremony, Father found the trunk and destroyed everything in it. When Tobias went to Dauntless, Father took the trunk and gave it to me, but he had already filled it.
I carry it down to the mirror. I slide the panel away from the mirror and place the trunk on the table at my side. I pull the key from my pocket, unlock the trunk and open it. I still remember when he gave it to me. I opened it and was so surprised by what I found.
Makeup.