T/W: Depictions of abuse – If you would like to skip, it starts at "When my eyes open" and ends at "My eyes open". I will also mark the passage with a bolded triple asterisk at the beginning and end.
When the alarms go off, for one of the first times I find myself struggling to get up. I take a moment to simply breathe, my eyes closed, before stretching my arms over my head and sitting up. There is movement all around the room, and the buzz of anxiety and excitement about the start of stage two seems to have people rearing to go. A few people have already gone. Two empty beds, completely stripped catch my eyes and remind me of the last hours, not even days. I catch some of the others also glancing to the beds before turning back to what they were doing.
Breakfast is a quick and eventless affair, ending when Four stands at the doorway and calls for us, not only the transfers, but faction-born as well. Once all of us that remain have gathered around him, he turns without word and leads us down the maze of corridors, the lights dimming as we get deeper into the compound and further from windows and external light. Finally, we reach a hallway with a single door at the end, chairs lining the walls.
"Take a seat, we'll call you back individually. From this point forward, there is no difference between transfer and faction-born. You are all going to be considered equal and trained as such. Wait your turn. You're free to talk in the meantime, just don't make too much noise, and behave." Four's voice echoes slightly. He pauses to make eye-contact throughout the group before turning and striding down the hallway. Upon reaching the door, he quickly opens the door, entering and shutting it behind him without anyone being able to see into the room.
Some move more quickly, moving to either sit as close to the door or as far from the door as possible. Others make their way to a seat more slowly, hesitantly. I elect to sit farther away, wanting to distance myself. I am simply not in a place for conversation. My thoughts are simultaneously racing and yet not forming at all. While I am curious about some of the dauntless-born initiates, I don't think today is the day to try and meet them. So instead I lean back in my seat and rest my head against the wall behind me, eyes shut.
There is a low rumble of conversation either direction down the hall, quiet enough that I don't make out specifics unless I made the effort to listen in. But the feeling of the anxiety continues to rise. Finally the door opens, Four backlit by the blue light emitting from the room.
"Kat." The faction-born glance around, unsure who Four is speaking to, but the other transfers all glance at me with varied expressions. As I stand, the dauntless-born all turn to stare as I wipe my hands on my pants, trying to get rid of some of the sweat that gathered there when I wasn't paying attention. But I instead glance around at some of the others that I have spent the previous stage with. Tris's face is blank, but her eyes give away some nerves, darting around quickly before returning to look at me. I offer a nod that she returns. Christina eyes me curiously, but otherwise neutral. Peter catches my eye and offers a short nod and tight-lipped smile. After a moment I return the smile before turning to Four and making my way down the hall. Mutters follow my path, but I don't bother listening. Four offers a nod of his own as I reach him. He steps aside and beckons me into the room before shutting the door behind me.
There is an odd moment of déjà vu as I observe the room. The metal chair at the center set next to a monitoring machine with all the various hookups and attachments. A computer sits on a desk at a corner of the room, the screen facing away from the chair. Without prompting, I move to the chair and sit, but don't sit all the way back, instead leaning forward slightly and staring at Four as he moves about the room. He sits at the desk for a moment, messing with something on the computer.
"Questions?" He sounds almost bored.
"Only the obvious one." I attempt to keep my voice neutral but I am unsure if I succeed, especially with him. He turns to look at me, eyes narrowing slightly.
"This is a simulation."
"I figured out that part. I more so meant what type of simulation."
A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth at the eye-roll I give. He types a few more things before picking up a syringe that I somehow hadn't noticed. I don't see where he pulls it from, which is mildly unsettling. He stands and approaches me.
"It's a fear simulation. And attempt to teach you to either control your emotional response, or to get over your fears. As such, it puts you into frightening situations. The first few simulations are more to simply get you used to the simulations and to allow you to familiarize yourself with the fears you will face here. I'll be monitoring your data and your experience from the computer."
I glance from the syringe in his hands to his eyes. There is a hint of concern in the lowered placement of his brows and the darkness in his expression. I am unsure what I am looking for, but for some reason, I find myself accepting what is to happen, and so I settle back in the chair, closing my eyes and moving my hair to the side so Four has access to my neck, assuming that is where the injection will be administered. Four mutters a quiet thanks, and there is a pinch and then a sharp pain in my neck. The solution is uncomfortable as I feel it enter my body, and I can feel it thrum with my pulse. I close my eyes, already feeling my pulse quickening, but I am unsure if it is the simulation or my own anxiety over the situation as a whole, unsure what I am about to face.
"It will take effect in sixty seconds. Do you want me to explain it to you?"
"I think I can figure it out roughly. I appreciate the offer of a distraction though." I keep my eyes closed, shaking my head.
"Alright. I'll be monitoring you the whole time. You stay in the simulation until you manage to calm yourself down, at least physiologically." Four pauses, and I crack an eye open to glance at him. He is staring, chewing on his lower lip, something I haven't seen him do in a very long time. "Remember," his voice much quieter this time, "nothing in these can actually hurt you. You're safe here. Be brave, Kat."
When my eyes open, I am confused by the lack of vision. I can see only darkness, sitting on the floor with my knees curled into my chest, arms wrapped around them. I blink several times, hoping that maybe the darkness is simply something in my eyes.
Where am I?
I notice a strip of light on the floor beside me, dim, but allowing me to realize I am not just sitting in absolute darkness. No, I am sitting in a room. A closet, coats brushing the back of my neck and the sides of my face as I look around. And suddenly I am very aware of where I am, as I hear footsteps outside of the room, approaching slowly. The steps are heavy and measured and as they get closer, I feel my pulse race and my breathing quicken with each step.
No. No this wasn't supposed to happen. I can't even remember why, but deep in my chest I know I am supposed to be safe. Marcus isn't supposed to be here. I hear metal clinking faintly through the door, the shadow of his figure visible in what little light I have, and I shrink even further into myself, somehow managing to curl even smaller. The handle to the door rattles before the door abruptly opens, and there he stands, backlit against the low light coming through the window. The moon is only half full tonight. I stare at it, refusing to look at Father. The sigh is slow and drawn out, as if he is using it to give me time to change my mind, but I refuse to look at him. It is a small act of defiance, and will ultimately lead to more suffering for me in the long run, but the slight moment of satisfaction is worth it. It must be worth it. Surely it means something, somewhere in the universe.
"Kathleen." The voice alone has me flinching, eyes fluttering shut. I should open them again. I know I should. But I can't. I hear the belt clinking again as he moves it, presumably from one hand to the other. Then a hand harshly grabs my upper arm, and my eyes are open as he pulls me up and out of the closet. When he releases my arm, I stumble, unable to balance from the momentum of the sudden movement. A cry also leaves my mouth, but I bite my tongue.
"Have you learned your lesson?" His voice is controlled, giving away nothing. It is a talent he has, to hide so much. It is surely what got him to where he is. Must have been how he managed to trick Mother for so long. Turning to finally look at him, I can only meet his eyes for a moment. While his expression is entirely neutral, his eyes are stormy, and his jaw nearly twitches with how quickly it clenches and unclenches. I pick at the skin beside my thumbnail, nodding quickly.
"Yes Father." I don't even know what I did. I don't know why I'm here. Another sigh leaves his nose and I glance at him again. His face is tilted up now, staring at the ceiling for a moment before looking back down at me. He twists the belt in his hand. He takes a few slow steps towards me, and without even thinking I take matching steps back. He quickly reaches out and grabs my upper arm, holding me in place.
"Kathleen, you know I am doing this for your benefit. It is only to make you a better person, a better member of this faction." With his other hand, the one holding the belt and not my arm, he grabs my chin and turns my face to his. Finally looking into his eyes, I flinch again. Yet another sigh, before he leans forward and kisses my forehead. I flinch yet again at the touch, disturbed by such a gentle act in the midst of terror and horror. He releases my chin, and his other hand loosens on my arms and I begin to feel a bit of relief.
Something isn't right.
"This is a simulation."
It is like a whisper in my ear, and the voice sounds so familiar. Tobias? But he left. He left me.
Father's hands suddenly move, grabbing both of my hands. He moves behind me, taking my hands with him. He puts my hands together and then I feel the belt wrap around my wrists, fastening tight and a cry leaves my mouth.
"You're safe here."
I can't breathe. I know what happens next. I am not safe. Tobias is not here. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
"He hurt you."
This time the voice is less familiar. I can't quite place who it is, but it feels so familiar.
"Kathleen, I do this because I want the best for you. You're going to follow in my footsteps, and I have to ensure you are ready for that." Marcus's voice is in my ear, but I can hardly hear it. I am barely even here.
"Please don't, I've learned my lesson," is all that I manage to speak, but my voice is so quiet and weak. And already I can feel myself withdrawing. I can't be here. I can't breathe.
"I want you to know that you're safe here."
The unfamiliar voice again, but a name is just out of reach. As Father fiddles with the belt around my wrists, I shut my eyes and a faint echo of a face is painted behind my eyelids.
Eric.
Tobias.
Dauntless.
"Nothing can actually hurt you."
It doesn't have to hurt me anymore. I can feel myself flinch in spite of myself as Father moves, but just like in the past, I can feel myself mentally leaving the situation as a whole. The burning behind my eyes is the only thing I feel, as they spill over down my face, and I take a rattling breath as Father pushes me down.
My eyes open but they still burn. My face is wet, and my breathing is immediately uneven. My eyes shut again, and I can feel my whole face contract as I sit up and pulls my knees into my body. A sob shakes my chest, but I can feel the metal of the chair underneath me, and I am so relieved by the feeling, knowing that I am no longer there.
"Kat." Tobias's voice is quiet and absolutely broken. I try to ignore him, just trying to get my breathing back under control. I begin running my hands up and down my legs to try and feel something. Anything to stop feeling Father looking around me. I hear footsteps and I can feel my whole body begin to quiver. The steps falter for a moment, but continue nonetheless until he is right beside me. I can feel the warmth of his hand as it hovers over my back, unsure whether it is better or worse to touch me.
"Kat, can I touch you?" His voice is so gentle, and so very small. A quiet sob rips from my mouth first, and I go to answer verbally, but nothing comes out. Instead I settle for nodding my head as it is pressed into my knees. Gently he places his hand on my back and slowly rubs, before slowly I feel his arms come to rest around my shoulders. His face is pressed to the top of my head.
I don't know how long with sit in the relative silence, but eventually the shaking and sobbing slow and I feel myself settle. The top of my head feels damp, and when Tobias speaks, his voice is unsteady and thick.
"Kat, I'm so sorry. God, I'm so sorry."
I release my legs, letting them straighten out in front of me, but I continue to stare down at them, not wanting to look anywhere just yet. Tobias releases me, standing slightly to the side, standing just in front of my shoulder.
"It wasn't your fault. I thought it was at one point, I can't lie. But I know it wasn't your fault."
"Kat, please, would you look at me?"
When I turn to him, I look at his mouth. It's the safest place to look. I don't remember Mother, not really, but Tobias must have her mouth. His cheeks are wet, and he rubs his hands against his cheeks to dry them.
"Kat, if I had known, I would have taken you with me. I would have found a way. I thought he couldn't possibly do anything to hurt you. Back then, he seemed to care about you so much. He genuinely seemed to love you. I'm so sorry."
A small smile pulls at my mouth, because despite the horror I just went through, despite all the bitterness and spite I felt for so long, I don't doubt his words for a moment anymore. And the sentiment is so sweet. Because it's true, he couldn't possibly have known. He did what he had to do to survive. I can't fault him for that anymore. I can't help myself, my gaze falling slightly to land around his stomach, staring at the soft black fabric of his shirt.
"You couldn't have known. I don't blame you. You couldn't have done anything. I know you would have if you had known Tobias. I'm not mad at you. You helped me out of there."
There is silence for a moment, and Tobias shifts his weight from side to side before squatting down, putting his eyes directly in front of me, and I can't help my reaction. I flinch, shutting my eyes and turning quickly, my breath catching in my chest.
"Kat?"
I take a moment to breathe, eyes shut. But that doesn't help, instead those eyes flash back and forth from the face beside me, to the face that has haunted me for so long.
"I'm sorry. Tobias I'm sorry. It's just, I can't, you-" I have to breathe, tilting my head back and opening my eyes to stare at the ceiling, knowing that my next words will devastate him, "you have his eyes."
He swallows. I hear it next to me. Finally I turn to look at him, bracing myself for the chill in my chest when I see his eyes. They are so sad now, but he doesn't seem shocked. Instead there is a dejection, an understanding.
"I know. It took me a while to be able to look in a mirror. I'm sorry."
My chest clenches again, but this time it hurts for his sake. He suffered in the same house, under the same monster. Our experiences may have been different, but both of us left that house scarred. I lift my hand slowly, gently placing it on his cheek. He glances at me, eyes still so sorrowful. The whites slightly red, but slowly calming down as time passes. I offer what little of a smile I can muster in this moment.
"You aren't him. You didn't let him break you. I'm glad we both made it here. I missed you."
He offers a small smile of his own, and this one reaches his eyes, the corners crinkling slightly. He presses against my hand for a moment, reaching his own up to press against my hand. Then he takes a deep breath and stands. He moves to the computer again, typing something quickly and clicking a few things before he turns back to me.
"Let me walk you to your room."
I shake my head, thinking to the people sitting out in the hallway. The quicker he gets to the next person, the better.
"You've got people waiting. I'll be alright."
He seems skeptical, brows turned up. To the side of the room, I notice another door I had overlooked initially. He opens his mouth to argue, but I offer another small smile and speak over him.
"Just let me out another way, so I don't have to face the others? I'm sure I'll make my way back. The sooner you can move to the next initiate, the better. You've got a long line waiting for you out there. I'll be alright."
He still seems hesitant, but eventually he gives a short nod and turns to the other door, opening it and holding it open for me. It leads into an empty hallway that turns at the end. Yet another maze of hallways just like the rest of the compound."
"Follow the hall, taking two lefts, then a straight, and a right and that should get you to the Pit." I repeat the directions back before nodding. He grabs my shoulder as I pass, giving a light squeeze. "And Kat, you did well. You were remarkably brave. I'm proud of you."
With a muttered "thanks" and a short nod, I start down the hall, letting my mind be blissfully empty as I follow the directions Four gave. The closer I get to the Pit, the brighter the hallway gets. I also begin running into more people as I continue. As I take the right before the Pit, I see two figures coming down the hallway towards me, both in conversation as they walk through the center of the hallway, both of their large figures taking up a majority of the space. As they get close, I move to the side, standing sideways to give them plenty of space to pass by. Max's voice echoes slightly, and yet somehow I am unable to make out what they are speaking about. As they get close, they finally seem to notice me, Max's expression shifts into one of curiosity.
"Ah, Kat. You lot should be beginning stage two of initiation today, isn't that correct?"
"That is correct sir," I respond with a nod. He grins wide, all of his teeth showing. It vaguely reminds me of a snarl, were it not for the booming laugh.
"'Sir'? How formal. Good to know the Stiffs raise their kids the same as always. You finished already?"
I bristle at being called Stiff in spite of myself, and I see Eric stiffen slightly out of the corner of my eye as the word leaves Max's mouth. But Max is a leader here, and I would be doing myself no favors by being defensive to him. However, I can't help myself for the retort that comes forth, unbidden.
"No offense sir, but it has nothing to do with my being a Stiff. More about addressing someone I actually respect. I don't remember saying the word too much in Abnegation. Figured I'd get my fill now that I'm interacting with true leadership. But yes, I am done for today."
Max's expression goes blank for a moment, and I see Eric shifting his weight. However, Max's face breaks out into a somehow even bigger grin, pulling his face in a way that looks like it might hurt, as his whole body moves with his laughter.
"I like you, initiate! You've got some guts! You've got some promise." His shoulders continue to shake as he attempts to tamp down his laughter, some tears wiped away at the corners of his eyes. "I'm assuming it didn't give you too much trouble? The second stage is always worse than the first." Now, his eyes change. They are curious and appraising now. I can't explain what exactly changes, but alarms come to life in the back of my mind. This is a man searching for something. I tame my expression to as close to true neutral as I can before I speak.
"It's nothing worse than what I've seen before."
He seems shocked temporarily, eyes looking over my whole face for a moment before he settles his weight back into his heels and crossing his arms. He lets out a small snort, but otherwise seems unphased. Suddenly, he turns to Eric, who is watching me closely.
"Eric, I would imagine our initiate is tired. I want you to take a moment to think on what we were discussing, so why don't you walk her to the dorms and come to my office when you're done." Without waiting for a response, Max turns and strides down the hallway, taking a turn and disappearing from view.
Eric and I stand in silence for a moment. I can feel him watching me for a while before I finally turn to face him. I raise one brow questioningly, unwilling to be the first to speak. After another moment of observing, I can only guess he is satisfied in what he finds as he lets out his own snort, turning and take a few steps down the hall before turning to look at me over his shoulder.
"Well, follow me then, Max's orders."
Without waiting to see if I follow, he carries on down the hall. However, as I catch up, I see him glancing over at me yet again. I can't help the irritation that runs over my skin at being watched again.
"Something you'd like to ask, Eric?"
He lets out a quiet laugh. I can only guess he assumed he wouldn't get caught. But his expression softens as he turns his face more fully to look at me properly.
"Just wanted to check if you were alright Kat. Those simulations can be rough for people who have been through far less than you."
I am still conflicted, trying to sort between this Eric and the ones that can be so cruel. Between the one I interact with most of the time, and the one that Four warned me about. But in this moment, I can't find any hint of maliciousness or malintent. Just simple worry. And for the time being, I decide to set my concerns aside, allowing things to fall back into some semblance of what they were before. So I offer a shrug, meeting his gaze.
"As I said, it wasn't anything worse than I've faced before. I'll be fine."
His brows pinch and the corners of his eyes tense. His mouth twists slightly, and he looks away, staring ahead down the hallway as we reach the Pit.
"You don't have to always be alright Kat. And you've faced far worse than most, if not all, the other people in your group. I don't say this often, nor do I say it lightly, but you are allowed to be less than alright at times. It's okay to ask for help every once in a while when it matters."
The sincerity with which he speaks warms something deep in my chest. My stomach flutters at the words, even though I know I am unlikely to ever truly listen to them. But the fact that Eric is saying this to me, a leader, holds a lot of weight. And I realize that there are a lot of gray areas where him saying this could lead to trouble. He seems to ponder for a moment, unsure how to proceed. We cross through the Pit, some of the members waving as we walk through. I try and offer smiles back to them, Eric's smile seems slightly forced. Several tap fists against our arms and shoulders if they are close enough. As we get past, into the hallway leading to the dorm, Eric speaks again.
"Kat, I know you have spent your whole life just trying to keep yourself alive on your own. You've fought solo for so long. But you aren't alone anymore. I don't know what all is going on between you an Four, I know that your relationship is strained, but you are siblings, and I know he worries about you and is always willing to listen if you want to talk. I'm not the best at these things," he turns to face me as we reach the door, "but I'm always willing to at least listen if you need to talk. Or, if you don't feel safe with that," his face pinches, an unreadable emotion crossing his face, "I can get you into contact with Max. He seems to think quite highly of you. Or I can get you in contact with someone else if you'd like. Just know that you don't have to fight alone anymore."
This is an offer too big to really have a solid reaction to. Instead, I am shocked and numb for a moment, before warmed and conflicted. The emotions flicker back and forth, racing around as I try to gather my thoughts. Eric meets my eyes, gaze nearly sorrowful for a moment. Finally, I muster up a singular thought, though it isn't as appropriate as I had hoped.
"Thank you, that means a lot, truly. Granted, this is a lot of effort for someone who might not even make it as a member. I don't want you to devote so much energy into someone who might just wash out." I realize as I say the words that they come across ungrateful, which isn't what I intend. I am just unsure how to respond to such a significant offer and statement.
Eric lets out a huff, face shifting into something akin to fond disbelief.
"I don't think that is possible Kat. Max wouldn't have me walk you back if there was any possibility that you wouldn't make it through initiation. I can't speak in absolutes, but you've got some friends in high places. But even beyond that, you've made a name for yourself here Kat. People are rooting for you. People who care. People who want to see you succeed. You've just gotta accept it. Let yourself be, Kat."
Again, I am stunned, unsure how to respond. But before I can formulate a thought, Eric just gives a smile, grabbing my shoulder and giving it a light squeeze, much like Four had before. He then turns and heads back down the hallway, his footsteps quiet, but still echoing lightly in the small space, leaving me with too many incomplete thoughts as I turn to enter the dorm.
Howdy! Thank you so much for reading, and apologies as always for the delay. I have no excuse. I just was really slow putting this together. Plus, this chapter was darker than normal, which is somewhat difficult to write. As I progress through this, trying to parse through how to write the characters to make them true to their original writing, but also deeper and forming to this story is somewhat difficult, so I also apologize if it seems that the characters are behaving in manners that are largely out of character from the original series (largely Eric, but the others as well). Hopefully I won't be too long until the next update, but admittedly, I can't promise it will be quick, but I can promise it will come. Again, thank you so much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed! Until next time, Stay Fierce!
~ChildOfLupus