Does the Quibbler have an advice column? Something like Dear Abby in the USA or Agony Columns like the British Tabloids! Yes!

Wizards Life Advice by Xeno.

My gentle and decerning readers, I'm answering the following letter this week as my usual guest columnist Franco is hiding from howlers, err I mean out of the country.

Dear Xeno:

I'm at my wit's end. I recently got married to the witch of my dreams and find that sharing a loo is becoming a problem. What should I do?

Signed Desperate.

Dear Desperate:

In a word: Two. That is two bathrooms. Or why every married wizard needs them.

The Home Dream. A little house, a few rooms, a bathroom with shower and tub, a garden with picket fence, perhaps a garage to tinker in or to have solitude when needed. (See man cave column for full explanation). Generations of wizards have aspired to have their own little plot to enjoy, their own castle to call their own and lord over. It's mine and I make the damn rules! Damm Right! That is until you Make the Mistake. Yes, there I said it. Make the mistake. You either invite a POOSSLQ's (Person Of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters, a Ministry census acronym) into the castle or you get married and the Witch (meaning the wonderful magical person you married, not a very unpleasant or cruel woman) takes over.

Now you need a second bathroom. Why you ask. Let me tell you what happens. She sprinkles all manner of things I've never heard of on every flat surface. What the hell is a loofah anyway? What's it used for? I can't even pronounce exfoliate. Why do they need to do that? The idea of rubbing a sandpaper like dead sea animal across my skin has never ever crossed my mind. Is that something like the Cruciatus curse? Shampoos for each day of the week, one for normal hair, one for oily, one for dandruff, one for split ends, you get the drift. She has a cauldron, doesn't she? What does she need this stuff for?

Coloring products, hair extensions, she doesn't stand still long enough for me to even see her hair in the morning. Conditioners to match the shampoos, oils, lotions, perfumes, a make-up case with all sorts of little items that get scattered around. Anti this and that, deodorants, creams, etc. Merlin be dammed, shes' a Witch! Why does she need this stuff?" Can't she just flick her wand and make do? I wish I had never heard of Madam Pimpernel's!

I never knew some of these problems existed. Clueless male here! Then the shower curtain rod and the towel rack become drying apparatus for all sorts of non-towel like things, like lacy and sheer unmentionables and slinky form fitting tight-fitting spandex work out gear. I like seeing my witch wearing these, but I don't want to navigate an obstacle course to the shower at 5:00 o'clock in the morning with sleep induced crud on my barely open eyes. But Merlin forbid you reach for the towel and grab the nylons! You'll be accused of being a pervert rather than simply insensitive clod you really are at heart.

Best advice from this old codger, give her the bathroom closest to the bedroom and you use the second one you had put in when she moved into the house. At least she won't yell at you for reading in your bathroom.

I don't want to start a whole discussion about the seat up and down controversy. I'm logical, most witch's including my "little witch" (be advised it's not good to let her hear you refer to her in that way") are not logical. Is any magical logical? The very first day of the Honeymoon she opined about my insensitivity in leaving the seat up. My logical self said "You need it down, I need it up. What's the big deal just re position it when needed? Nope, I got a talking too with an attitude. (Why did I sign up for this I wonder?) but anyway now I just pretend I'm the chaser throwing a quaffle on a broom and aim for the smaller hole, thereby leaving the seat down and she's Happy, unless of course I miss.

So best advice is to have a second bathroom and an elf to clean it thereby avoiding all the above tragedy of dealing with her stuff! You're a wizard! Use magic!

Next week's column will have Franco's thoughts on the mistakes every wizard should avoid. Yes, an exhaustive study and should be of interest to all Wizards.