Does the Quibbler have an advice column? Something like Dear Abby in the USA or Agony Columns like the British Tabloids! Yes! Please be advised that the advice given by guest columnist Franco is his own and in no way reflect the Publisher or Xeno's opinions.

Wizards Life Advice by Xeno.

Dear Xeno:

I have little to complain about with my witch. She is a wonderful witch. She doesn't nag me much. She does not ask if it's all right if her mother visits for the summer hol's. Let's me have time to do my hobbies, see my friends, etc. But she asks me these hard questions all the time. Very tough questions. The kind that can ensnare the unwary wizard and cause all sorts of harm. There can be many answers, none of which are right ones. And I never have the right *&^%$ Merlin be dammed answer! It's a lot like a muggle minefield. One misstep and BOOOOM! You are dead. Or worse, sleeping on the couch, insensitive clod. I don't want to sleep on the couch in the reception room any longer! I don't know how to answer her questions. Help me please!

Signed,

Clueless wizard with a sore back in Wiltshire.

Dear: Clueless sore backed wizard.

Your question is a tough one, but one many wizards have. I sought out my friend Franco, he is far more qualified than I. A long time veteran and survivor of domestic harmony A.K.A. "Married bliss" to answer your inquiry. Cough! Cough! Here is Franco's advice.

I've been married for over fifty, yes fifty years. I know it's a lifetime! I can say with certainty: Every witch in a relationship, married or just in a friend with canoodling benefits do this to males. If you value your back, I say one word and that is 'Avoidance'. You ask what do I mean by avoidance? What does it have to do with a good relationship? Well, I'll tell you. It is a life skill for wizards, married or in a relationship. I'll give you a fine example.

Ever have one of those days? Hmm, you know what I mean. You are married of course. And if you're not, and you're thinking about it, then I implore you to remember this before you take that fork in the road to eternal hen-peck-a-tude… ah, I mean wedded bliss. This even applies if you're not married and are in a relationship where you're living together, say, as friends with benefits. The day I'm talking about is sunny and bright and you're thinking about absolutely nothing at the breakfast table while you're waiting for the caffeine in your morning coffee or tea to coarse through your veins and wake you up, far earlier than you ever intended. Or perhaps you just took a pepper up potion to kick start the day. Perhaps you're wondering what it would take to get the little witch to actually cook breakfast for a change instead of having to stop at ole Tom's Leaky Cauldron emporium for a breakfast burrito or petrified egg and muffin sandwich let alone a full English. And then your witch looks at you and asks a dreaded question that should freeze the very blood in your veins: "Would you get married again if I died tomorrow?"

This is one husbands perspective on the question you should absolutely never answer. This is even worse than "Do I look Fat in this Outfit question?" Cruciatus curse anyone? My advice to any living husband or boyfriend: If you want to continue living in some sort of wedded bliss (I know it's an oxymoron but it's the pabulum that has foisted on generations of wizards, "an heir and spare," so I'm going with it) you could say "What?" Then look her in the eyes and say: "Did you say something gorgeous?"

Then change the subject as fast as you can so as to avoid the question at all costs. But if your significant other persists and forces you to answer then I suggest you don't use any of the following:

"Hell no, I'm just gonna shack up with one of your or my girlfriends."

"Are you kidding me? Once is enough."

"Only when pigs fly." (Though a good wingardium Leviosa may let that happen.)

"When hell freezes over."

"Do you have someone in mind to take your place? Your sister is a cute witch and doesn't look like your mother?

Finally, my favorite: "I know you have known me a long time, but do you really think I'm that stupid?"

As an alternative you can laugh and solemnly say: "No dear, you cured me of witches" but that may make her think you want to try an alternative lifestyle ("Not that there's anything wrong with that" Thank you Mr. Seinfeld) which may cause you other problems I don't really want to delve into here, as I get enough hate mail now for this advice column. I have no experience in this matter, but I guess it's probably the same so the advice holds.

One must be ready with more palliative answers for the "fairer sex" like the following: "I'm sorry honey I never thought of outliving you?"

"No one can replace you," But be sure you don't add: "But I'm sure gonna try to find another witch!"

I'm sure all you wonderful henpecked or soon to be henpecked readers (Now, now, but there are only two kinds of husbands, henpecked and soon to be Henpecked. It's true, once you have a ring on your nose, err I mean on your finger they change from the sweet thing you thought you were getting, into the Bossy, "my way or I'll make your life miserable" witch you said you'd never marry. Perhaps they even turn into their mother sooner than you expected, but it SHALL happen. (Where is Xeno with beer when you need him?)

My company Sargent, from a far earlier time, a far wiser person than I told me once that "All witches are alike, just some are better than others" (Thank you Sargent who must remain nameless, whom I will address other important advice from in another column).

This situation is akin to the Paradox of Schrodinger's cat. WTF? For us magical folks not familiar with muggle science it is a muggle experiment. In the world's most famous thought experiment, physicist Erwin Schrödinger described how a cat in a box could be in an uncertain predicament. The peculiar rules of quantum theory meant that it could be both dead and alive, until the box was opened, and the cat's state measured. The muggles use quantum theory to explain how the world works. Why bother, it's Magic!

So, back to the issue of the CAT. Is the cat dead? Is the cat alive? Some make the argument it's both at the same time. But husbands you are entangled in the same paradox. Your life is flashing before your eyes. You're wondering: Am I alive or am I dead? She does have a wand you know. You ask yourself: 'Am I dead?'

Dead or alive? I can say unequivocally that your life will be miserable with the wrong answer. It is best to look your better half in the eyes, try very hard not to smirk and say the following: "It is too traumatic to think of what life would be without you dear" and refuse to say anything else. At least this way you live to have another breakfast