"You want to kill the human?" Buffy asked.
"Want to? No. Believe it's the best option? Yes."
"You can't think of anything better?" Willow asked.
"Can you? Can any of you? Give me another option and I'll consider it."
"Just because we can't think of one, doesn't mean there isn't one." Buffy pointed out.
"Very true. But this may well be the only time we have to stop the Mayor. We have no idea how strong he is. He's spent a century preparing for this, you know he's going to have protections on himself and he employs vampires. This human has to know who he's working for. We kill one human and may potentially save the world."
Buffy took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Okay, if killing this one human is the best option we have, that leads to the question, why you?"
"There are only four people in this room I would trust to do it. And no, Buffy. You are not one of them."
"Why not? Not that I want to be the one to kill him, but why not me?"
"You've never dealt with all the people that are dead because of choices you've made. Deliberately choosing to kill a human could force you to confront the fact that people are dead because you. It could destroy you."
"What people? What people are dead because of me?! Just because I can't save everyone, doesn't mean people are dead because of me!"
"I knew you hadn't dealt with it. If you were military, you would have been pulled from active duty and sent for counseling. If you refused you would have been discharged."
"I still don't know what you're talking about, Xander!"
"Catherine Madison and the zookeeper died because of your choices, split second though they were. You acted to defend yourself and others. Theresa, Jenny Calendar and maybe as many as a hundred people died because you chose to get involved with a vampire under a curse and never bothered to see to it that the curse was researched. And you let Angelus go at the mall. And you stopped short of dusting him several times. You prayed for a miracle that you could get Angel back and all the while people were dying because of your choices. And you never think about those people or those choices. If you chose to deliberately kill a human, it would force you to confront that fact and might just break you."
"I, I couldn't - I loved him!"
"I know, it doesn't change the facts though, Buffy. I tried to point it out back then, but you dismissed what I was saying because you wanted to believe it was jealousy talking. What you never understood, Buffy, is that I never saw anything worth being jealous of in Angel. Did I want your attention? Yes. Did I resent the fact that you chose a vampire, the kind of creature that destroyed the brother of my heart? Yes. But jealousy, no. I suppose it was easy to think that and my actions and things I said might contribute to that idea, but I know myself that I wasn't jealous. I don't want you to break, Buffy. But you need to face the fact that people have died because of your choices."
She stared at him and then looked at Giles, who looked equally as stunned as she felt.
"I suppose there is truth in what he's saying, Buffy. You and I will need to try to deal with these facts. I will find a way to help you. I am sorry I didn't realize it sooner."
Buffy took another deep breath and let it out slowly. "Okay, okay. You make sense. I'll talk to Giles. I'll talk to my mom. I'll figure out how to deal with this."
"I'm sorry, Buffy. I don't want to hurt you. But in coming up with a plan, I realized it would need to be addressed."
She nodded and looked away.
"Who else don't you trust to do it, Xander?" Willow asked.
"You. You need an extreme situation to even consider killing. Even self defense would be very difficult for you to contemplate."
She smiled weakly and nodded.
"And me?" Faith asked.
"Accidentally killing someone would make you think you're evil, Faith. If you thought you were evil, you'd kill on purpose, to test the theory. Then you'd hate yourself and want to die. You'd probably try to force someone to kill you. Maybe by attacking them and making them defend themselves. Suicide by cop. You couldn't justify killing someone, even if it saves the world. The rest of us can."
"But killing this one human wouldn't be an accident or testing if I'm evil." She pointed out.
"No, but I'm pretty sure it would haunt you for the rest of your life. Your first Watcher dying and you not being able to save her already haunts you. You couldn't save her, but you did try. And you blame yourself. Vampire went after Vampire Slayer, after all. And she got caught in the cross-fire. It happens to cops and soldiers too. You should talk to Giles. He helped me deal with the nightmares I had from being possessed by the hyena. He helped me put it in perspective. He can help you too."
"I should have done it already." Giles realized. "It just never occured to me. Psychological training isn't included in Watcher training, I'm afraid."
"One more example of the Watchers Council being crap at actually supporting the Slayer. Not that we needed anymore proof." Xander said dryly.