When I wake, I am lying naked under my blankets on my bed. My clothes are all in a pile at the end of the bed. I shake my head very slightly. My brain still feels a little foggy, and my whole body is as sore as if I ran a marathon last night. It must be because I'm hungry and thirsty. I know I didn't eat much or drink enough water yesterday. Looking around, I see my water bottle on my bedside table. It is full. I grab it and drink the entire thing. My stomach grumbles, but I ignore it. The clock on the wall says it's 6:30 in the morning. I rub the sleep from my eyes, clamber out of bed, pull on my black sweatpants, and pull the sheets and blankets back up over my pillow. I stumble down the hallway to Lucius' bedroom and quietly knock on the door.
"Severus? Is that you?" I hear his sleepy voice emanating from inside the room.
"Mm hmm," I murmur, cracking the door just enough so he can hear me.
"You're up early! Come on in," he yawns.
I nervously pad into his room, closing the door behind me. Even though I know there's nobody else here except Dobby, this big house still always makes me feel a bit nervous, "What happened?" I ask, "How long was I asleep?"
"Come here," Lucius says, ignoring my question.
I make my way over to his bed as he swings his legs out from underneath the covers and sits up. Before he can speak, I ask again, "What happened?"
"What's the last thing you remember?"
Thinking hard, I say, "I remember you coming back, but I don't remember anything else. Did I fall asleep? I remember being real tired."
"You did. I was just saying that you looked awful, and that I thought Antonin should go home so that I could put you to bed. How are you feeling this morning?"
I shrug, looking down, "I'm okay."
He tilts my chin up with one long finger, and says, "Elaborate."
"I'm tired, but I'm okay," I mumble.
"Are you tired in your head, or in your body, or both?" he asks, letting go of my chin and patting the bed beside him. I sit down, and he puts a protective arm around me, drawing me to his side.
"Both," I say after a few seconds, "My head is tired and my body is a little sore, but I'm okay."
"Why don't you go back to sleep for a little while then? You're welcome to sleep here while I get ready for the day, then when I'm done with my shower and have gotten dressed, I'll get you up and you can take a nice warm shower before breakfast."
I nod, and Lucius gives me a hug before he stands up, gently pushes me onto my right side, and covers me with his blankets. I turn around so that my right ear is uncovered, then snuggle into his bed and close my eyes. He sits back down and puts his hand on my head, stroking my hair. I take a deep breath, and as I fall back to sleep, my lips curl into a soft smile. I'm so lucky to have Lucius.
I wake up some time later to Lucius sitting down on his bed next to me. I sleepily blink my eyes and sit up, yawning and stretching.
"Feeling better?" Lucius asks. He is now fully dressed for the day, and has showered and fixed his hair.
I nod.
"Good. Why don't you go ahead and take a shower and change? Then you can come downstairs and we can talk about what we want to do today, aside from going to Diagon Alley, alright?" he says, and strokes my hair out of my face.
"Mm kay," I murmur, and, shivering, get out of his bed.
"Are you cold?"
"Mm hmm."
Lucius frowns, "I think you've lost some weight since you left St. Mungo's. What did you eat yesterday? I don't think I saw you eat anything besides those grapes and that lollipop."
I shrug, "I didn't."
Lucius sighs, "Well that's probably why you passed out yesterday! You hadn't eaten hardly anything!"
I shake my head, and say, "I dunno. I started feeling weak while I was sucking on that lollipop Dolohov gave me. It tasted funny."
"Well, not all candies taste the same. Perhaps that one was old?"
"Maybe," I say, hugging my arms around my chest and willing myself to believe him.
Lucius looks around, grabs his old fuzzy blanket I used to love so much while he was still in school from his bed, and throws it around my bare shoulders. I thank him quietly, and slowly walk back to my room and conjoined bathroom.
I start the shower to let the water warm up and brush my teeth. Even after I've rinsed all the toothpaste out, my mouth still tastes a bit like that fake cherry flavored lollipop from yesterday. Once I get in the shower, I wash my hair with the eucalyptus scented shampoo and conditioner Lucius gave me. No matter how hard I scrub my skin, however, I still feel dirty. I dig my nails into my skin and imagine ripping it off my body. I close my eyes and taste the salty tears running into my mouth. I'm such a baby! Such a stupid baby! I know the way Yaxley and Dolohov touched me is wrong, but it should be a small price to pay for everything I have now. I'm living in Malfoy Manor, I have powerful contacts, I'm free to experiment with potions to my heart's content, I get new clothes, I have a nice ring— my life is great, but here I am crying in the shower! What is wrong with me?! I wipe my tears away roughly, rinse the conditioner out of my hair, and get out of the shower. Without looking in the mirror, I dry my hair off and throw my clothes from yesterday into the hamper. I put on a gray t-shirt, a pair of my blue jeans, and Evan's sweater. I know Lucius is going to want me to dress nicer to go to Diagon Alley, but I'm going to stand up for myself this time! I'm going to wear this whether he wants me to or not! Or at least I'm going to ask him if I can.
Suddenly, the door opens and Lucius comes in, "I refilled your water bottle while you were in the shower," he says.
"Thanks," I mumble, and take the water bottle from him.
"Well, come downstairs when you're ready. I'll be waiting for you," he says, and leaves the room. He doesn't shut the door on his way out.
When I've finished combing my hair out, I slowly walk down the stairs, trying hard not to stumble. My stomach is cramping, and I feel so weak, but I'm fine. I just need to get down the stairs. Lucius is standing at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me, but I don't look at him. When I get to the last stair, I feel my eyes start to well up with tears again. I sniffle, trying to hold them in, but it doesn't help. Lucius wraps his arms around my weak, ugly, skinny body and holds me tight to his chest.
"What's wrong, Severus?" he asks.
"Dolohov— he... as soon as you left, he took my belt off, and... and he was saying—"
"I know, he can be scary sometimes, can't he?" he murmurs.
"You said you weren't gonna leave me alone with him! You promised!" I choke as the tears begin falling down my face.
"I'm never going to leave you alone with him again. I thought it would be alright if I left to go to the restroom and to get wine, but I was wrong," he pauses, and when I don't respond, he keeps going, "Sometimes we have to do things that make us uncomfortable, but it's worth it in the end, right?"
"You promised!"
"I'm sorry. You're going to be alright. I'm proud of you for being so good."
"Why did you leave me?!" I bawl.
"Shh, there's no need to get so worked up. I made sure you were safe, didn't I? You didn't die, did you?"
I shake my head, and my tears smear on his shirt, "Please don't leave me alone again! Please!"
"I won't leave you alone with Antonin again. I promise."
"I was so scared, and you left me!" I sob, "And-and-and-and he was saying—"
"I'm sorry I left you. But listen, you're so well-behaved, and so clever, and so special. You're such a good boy," he croons, stroking my hair, "Can you take a deep breath for me?"
I take a deep, shaky breath.
"Good. I want you to eat something before we go to Diagon Alley so you don't pass out again, alright?"
I shake my head and wipe my eyes with my sleeve, but the tears won't stop.
"How about a sandwich?"
I shake my head again.
"Or some porridge? What about some soup?"
"I'm not hungry," I say, wiping my eyes again.
"We had this conversation this morning, Severus. You need to eat something before we go. I'll have Dobby make you a bowl of soup, and you can eat it before we go. He made a lovely chicken noodle soup for dinner last night, so all he'll need to do is warm it up for you. I tried to wake you up so you could have some, but you… well, you wouldn't wake up."
I push myself away from him, and say, "If I have to eat, then can I wear this out?"
Lucius shakes his head, and says, "No, I'm not negotiating with you. I told you to eat, so you're going to eat. And besides, I want you to look presentable; however, if you eat all of your food, maybe I'll get you a book from Shyverwretch's if you find one you like. Once you've finished your food, you'll go upstairs and change into something presentable, and then we can go. Do you understand?"
I want to argue, but I remember how nice he's been to me this morning, and how he protected me from Dolohov yesterday, so I just nod. We go to the kitchen, and I force myself to eat the entire bowl of chicken noodle soup that Dobby gives me. It's not big, but I feel as if it turns to chalk in my mouth. It takes a lot of effort to make myself swallow, and every bite feels like it's choking me on the way down. After a whole hour, I am finally finished, and although I hate to admit it, my brain does feel less foggy after eating. Lucius rubs my back and tells me I did a good job, and that makes me feel better, too.
Before we go to look for new clothes, we make a few stops in Knockturn Alley for Lucius to sell some of the poisons I gave him. He has the most luck at Borgin and Burkes, where he introduces me to Mr. Borgin, then haggles while I wander around the store, hugging myself tight, wishing I still had on Evan's sweater. Lucius ends up selling the poisons for a hefty sum of gold, and, as promised, he gives me a quarter of the profits. I have never had so much money in my life, and I don't know how to feel. I don't even have a bag to keep money in, so Lucius holds onto the gold for me until we go to the clothes store. While we're there, Lucius picks out a few different outfits he wants me to try on, then has me show him how each outfit fits as I try them on. I wish he would let me get the clothes a bit big, but he says it's better to have clothes that fit right, and that if I manage to grow and gain some weight over the next year, he is happy to get me new clothes again. I hate wearing clothes that fit me right, because I hate other people being able to see how skinny I am. I feel ashamed to still be wearing sizes made for 11 and 12 year olds at 15, but if it's what fits me, then I guess it's okay.
When I'm done trying things on, Lucius pulls out two extra sweaters, "Because you were so good yesterday, I want to get you something extra! Which one do you want?" he asks, holding up the two sweaters.
Nervous, and already feeling bad about my body from trying on clothes, I shake my head, "I don't deserve anything else."
"I asked you a question, and I expect an answer. Which one do you like?"
I tentatively reach out to feel each sweater. I love how soft the charcoal gray one is, but I don't want to make the wrong choice, so I look at the floor and shuffle my feet, saying, "It don't matter. They're both nice."
"It doesn't matter."
"It doesn't matter. Sorry."
"It's fine. Your head got hit pretty hard, so it's natural you're having some issues. Regardless, which sweater do you like the most? They're very different! By the way you're acting, you'd think I was asking you how you want to die!" Lucius chuckles, and I smile, still looking at my feet. Then, in a more serious tone, Lucius says, "This is a gift, Severus. I want you to choose. And don't ask me which one is cheaper, they both cost the same amount."
After a few moments of gathering my courage, I murmur, "I like the soft one," then I glance up at him to make sure he's not mad at me.
"Which one is the soft one?" he smiles, and holds out the sweaters to me.
I reach out and weakly put my hand on the charcoal gray sweater.
"Good choice! And you're right, I didn't think about it before, but that one is nice and soft!" Lucius exclaims, and ruffles my hair, "When we get home, I'll give you my old money pouch. It's still in good condition. Now that you have some money of your own, you need somewhere to keep it!"
I smile and nod, and follow him to the counter to check out and leave the store to head to Shyverwretch's.
Once we get to Shyverwretch's, the owner raises an eyebrow at me, saying, "So you're back, are you?"
I stuff my hands in my pockets and shrug, "Lucius said I could read here for a little while."
"Lucius? Lucius who?" she snaps, coming around the counter with the broom she used to use to chivvy me out when I used to try to write the recipes from the books without buying anything.
I smile nastily, and look behind me as Lucius comes in the door, "Oh, just my friend Lucius Malfoy."
Astonished, she lets the broom hang limply at her side, and weakly says, "Oh! Welcome, Mr. Malfoy, sir! What can we do for you today?"
"Nothing in particular," he smiles, putting his hand on my shoulder, "I have a meeting at The White Wyvern, and I told Severus he could read in here till I was done. You don't mind, do you?"
"Of course not! Of course not! He's welcome to stay as long as he wants!" she exclaims, hurrying to put the broom away.
"If you need any help making anything, he can help you. He's very good at potions. Already Vice-President of Potions Club, and always has straight A pluses," Lucius says, moving back towards the door.
"Lovely! I might just take you up on that offer, Mr. Malfoy! This little scoundrel has caused me enough headaches in the last few years to warrant being put to work!" the owner laughs.
"I believe you," Lucius chuckles, "Behave yourself, Severus! I'll be back for you in about two hours!"
"Okay! Have a good meeting!" I smile at him as he leaves.
As soon as he's gone, the owner turns back to me and frowns, "Well? What are you waiting for? Get back here and get to work, boy! I have plenty of ingredients that need to be chopped, and potions that need to be stirred!"
"Yes, ma'am," I reply sulkily.
"You're lucky I never called the authorities on you for stealing," she continues as I walk through the doorway to the back room and begin chopping ingredients.
"I never stole nothin' from you, anyways," I mutter.
"Don't you lie to me!" she exclaims, wagging her finger at me, "I know when my goods go missing, and I've had plenty of ingredients go missing whenever you've been in here skulking about."
I don't reply. She's not wrong. I have stolen plenty of ingredients for headache potions from Shyverwretch's, but nothing that cost too much. She's just a mean, ugly, old lady, anyways.
I finish up the chopping and mincing, and move on to the cauldrons. The owner moved back to the front desk to help a customer, so I walk back out to see what she needs me to do first. She says she needs me to follow the recipes for each potion, and that she'll come back to make sure I don't steal anything while I'm working. I roll my eyes once my back's turned. She watches me as closely as a hawk while I work, but doesn't say anything.
Once I'm finished, and the potions are simmering, she says, "Mr. Malfoy wasn't wrong about you. As much as I hate a thief, you do have a knack for this. Are you planning on getting your mastery?"
"Yes, ma'am. I wanna be a healer or work in the pharmacy at St. Mungo's," I respond.
"Well, if you change your mind, or you ever have anything interesting to sell, come and see me, alright?"
I shoot her a small smile, and say, "Okay. Can I read, now?"
She chuckles, and says, "Yes, dearie, you can read now. Just don't write any of those recipes down without buying the book, first!"
After Lucius is done with his meeting, he comes to get me at Shyverwretch's, and even buys me the book about poisons I was reading! The owner tells him how helpful I was, and how impressed she was with how well I handled all four cauldrons, plus the various ingredients that needed to be prepared, and she says I'm welcome to come back and help any time Lucius has another meeting around here. For lunch, Lucius takes me to Madame Circe's to see my mum. When she sees us, she waves, and finishes what she's doing before coming over.
Once she's able to come see me, she gives me a short, one-armed hug, and says, "I'm very busy right now, so I can't stay long. Lucius, is he behaving himself for you?"
Lucius nods, and sips his tea.
"Good! Well, I've got to go, but I'll have Geraldine bring you something to eat. It's on me, so just leave when you're done, and don't worry about the check. Have a good rest of the summer!" she says, and hurries off.
"Bye, mum," I sigh, and look back down at my book.
Lucius rubs my back, and pushes my milkshake towards me, "Drink, Severus, it's good."
I don't want to eat anything, but Lucius says that if I eat two of my three chicken tenders, at least 10 of my fries, and five carrot sticks, we can play cards and chess when we get home. I do want to play cards, so, once Geraldine brings our food, very slowly, I eat two of my chicken tenders and five carrot sticks. Once I start eating, I want to eat my entire plate because I'm so hungry, but if I eat, I'll get fat, and nobody will want me anymore. Lucius will throw me out and find somebody younger, smaller, smarter, and more talented than me to pay attention to. I choose the smallest 10 fries to eat, and even though they taste amazing and I want them all, I push my plate away.
Lucius sighs, and says, "I suppose you've done what I said. I didn't specify which fries to eat, did I?"
I shake my head.
"Alright, we can at least take the last chicken tender home and you can eat it with your dinner."
We get a small box for the remaining chicken tender, and head back to the manor. Once we're there, Lucius teaches me how to play a couple of classier card games, then we play chess.
The next few weeks of summer continue in a similar fashion. I continue making various poisons and potions, and we sell most of them at Borgin and Burke's. About once a week, Lucius brings me to Shyverwretch's to help out while he has meetings at other various places. Once in a while, Lucius' friends and colleagues will come over to socialize. If Yaxley or Dolohov come over, Lucius has me sit with them. Like he promised, he doesn't leave me alone with Dolohov anymore. Sometimes, Lucius will leave me alone with Yaxley for a little while to get some wine or tea, but he always comes back pretty quickly. Yaxley's usually gentle with me, but gets pushy and mad if I jerk away or try to stop him, so I learn pretty quickly to just do whatever he wants. It makes me feel ashamed, but after a while, I get used to it and learn how to block it out. At least they're just touching me and stuff. It could be a lot worse. And Lucius has helped me a lot, and I know he has to make his powerful ministry friends happy, especially Yaxley, so if this is one way I can give back, then I can deal with it. It's better than being at home, anyways. And besides, Lucius always gives me wine to make me calm down and feel tired when they come over, so it's not that bad. Usually Lucius gives me sweet wine, but a few times he gives me one that tastes more dry while everybody is leaving. The first time I tried it, I really didn't like the way it tasted, but I managed to take a few sips before falling asleep.
Yaxley and Rodolphus are finally leaving. I'm already feeling a little tired from the small glass of wine I had earlier, so initially when Lucius hands me another glass, I shake my head.
"Oh, come now, little Severus, you wouldn't say no to Lucius, would you?" Yaxley snickers as he walks away.
Begrudgingly, I take the goblet from Lucius and take a sip. I almost spit it out when it hits my tongue, but I don't want to be rude, so I swallow it. I watch as Lucius gets out a book to read, and, yawning, I lean back against the couch, staring at the empty fireplace. Lucius sits down next to me, and suddenly a wave of heat and exhaustion hits me like a train, and as my hand and wrist relax, I almost drop the goblet.
"Be careful!" Lucius commands, throwing his book aside to grab the goblet from my lax hand. He gently holds the back of my neck, and brings the goblet back up to my lips.
"Mm!" I shake my head, pressing my lips together, "I don't—" but my words are cut off by the goblet being shoved between them. I try to pull away backwards, but am held in place by the hand behind my neck.
Lucius pours more wine into my mouth, and as I swallow, he purrs, "Good boy. This is special, expensive wine, you wouldn't want to waste it, would you?"
I shake my head wearily as he strokes my cheek and sets the goblet on the coffee table. I feel as if my body is on fire, and struggle with the buttons on my shirt.
"Here, I'll help you," Lucius murmurs, smiling slightly as he unbuttons my shirt and takes it off for me.
Feeling a bit cooler, I lay my head on his chest and sigh contentedly as he wraps his arm around me. Lulled by his soft breathing, my eyes begin to close, and, tired and drunk, I mumble, "I wish my dad loved me like you do."
"Do you, now?" Lucius says soothingly, and gently strokes my hair out of my face. The last thing I remember before waking up in my bed the next morning is Lucius slowly carrying me up the stairs.
It must be expensive to be so strong, or maybe it's just because it's an extra glass of wine I don't normally have, but I seem to fall asleep really quickly every time I drink it. Whenever I drink the dry wine, I wake up naked, but I reckon, since it's the summer, and since that wine makes me feel so hot, I must be waking up, pulling my pants off, and fallen back to sleep without remembering. Sometimes Yaxley even brings me presents! Once he gave me a gift certificate to the ice cream parlor in Diagon Alley, and another time he gave me a bar of chocolate, and once he even gave me a gift certificate to The Three Broomsticks! Lucius has me stay at Joseph's house a few times, too. I'm not sure why he has me stay there, but I like hanging out with Joseph, and it's nice to get away from the manor once in a while. Narcissa comes over pretty often, and Lucius and I go to visit her frequently. Sometimes, if Lucius is busy working, Narcissa takes me out shopping with her, or we go out for lunch. I always feel like it's easier to eat around her. She never pressures me to eat or makes comments about my weight anymore. Narcissa usually orders a salad or soup. She always tries to get me to choose what I want to eat, but, since it's hard for me to make my own choices, especially about food, she normally gets me a sandwich. Once, we go to get ice cream, and I use the gift certificate Yaxley gave me to get us both ice cream.
"Who gave you the gift certificate? That was a thoughtful gift!" she smiles, and takes a small bite of her strawberry ice cream.
I shrug, and mutter, "Yaxley."
Her eyebrows furrow very slightly, and she says, "Hmm, that was nice of him. Why did he do that?"
"I don't know," I say, stabbing my own strawberry ice cream with my spoon, "I guess I earned it."
"What do you mean, you earned it?"
"I'm always good when he comes over," I shrug, "like Lucius says to be."
She leans in, and whispers, "Severus, I don't know what Lucius has told you about Corbin, but you need to be careful. My family and his family are close, and I've known him longer than I've known Lucius. My family wanted my eldest sister, Andromeda, to get married to him, but she wasn't interested. Corbin doesn't do anything unless it benefits him in some way, and he's not nearly as discrete or chivalrous as Lucius. I don't know what he wants from you, but I would be wary of accepting gifts from him or getting too friendly with him. Though, I suppose you don't have much of a choice, do you?" She sighs, and runs her delicately manicured fingers over her perfect blonde finger waves.
I shake my head.
"Well, then I guess just stay close to Lucius when you can. Don't spend too much time alone with Corbin if you can avoid it. Even I don't like to be alone with him, and I'm about to be a married woman!" she gives a short, uncomfortable laugh.
I give her a small, fake smile, and put a bite of ice cream into my mouth. For some reason, I don't want to eat it anymore.
The morning I have to be at the platform to return to Hogwarts, Lucius takes me to my house. While he deliberately looks the other way, I slip a small vial of Moonseed Poison out of my pocket. I hesitate as I go to pour it into the bottle of vodka. What if he gets sober? But no, if he was going to get sober, then he wouldn't drink the vodka, anyways. If he ends up getting sober, then I won't have needed the poison, so it's fine. It's a backup option! Everything's going to be fine. Before I can chicken out, I pour the poison in. My heartbeat quickens as I hear movement upstairs, and I quickly cap the bottle of vodka and put it back in the refrigerator. Just as I wanted, it stays clear. I turn around as my mum walks down the stairs. I show her my new ring, and she says it's nice. She asks what Lucius and I got up to while I was staying with him.
"I got some good studying done, and I worked on some new potions," I say, glancing at Lucius who is standing in the doorway with my trunk.
"Good!" she says, "Did you boys do anything else?"
The memories of how Yaxley's hands felt groping me pop into my head, and Dolohov's voice rings in my ears calling me a whore and a slut. I hitch my smile back up, and quickly glance back at Lucius before saying, "Lucius introduced me to some of his friends and colleagues. Some of them work in the ministry, like Yaxley—"
"Yaxley?! Which one?" my mum interrupts, frowning.
"Corbin!" I say, glancing quickly at Lucius, who walks up to me and puts a hand on my shoulder.
"Cole passed away a while ago. Apparently he was killed by somebody to whom he owed a hefty sum of money," Lucius drawls.
"Oh," my mum says, rearranging her face to look sad, "what a shame! And Corbin's working in the ministry now?"
"He is! And very influential, too," Lucius smiles coldly at her.
"Good, I'm glad Severus is getting a chance to meet some good contacts," she says, smiling back. Her smile doesn't quite reach her eyes, though, and I can tell she's got something else on her mind, "Anyways, you know your father's supposed to be hearing about a promotion in a few days! The other couple of men who interviewed for the position are all new in the factory, so I think he's really going to get it this time! We're definitely going to celebrate if he does. I'll try to remember to send you an owl to let you know how it goes. Lucius, does he behave himself for you?"
"Yes, he's always well-behaved for me. My fiancé adores him, and my colleagues and friends were very pleased with him," he drawls.
My mum beams, then looks over at the clock, "Oh! I need to leave for work, and you two need to get going to the station! Lucius, thank you for taking such good care of him. Is there anything I can do to repay you?"
"No, Eileen, that's quite alright," he smiles coldly, "It's my pleasure. Severus does a magnificent job repaying me on his own."
I see her smile falter ever so slightly, but then she says, "That's good! I always told him to make sure he was giving back to you. Anyways, goodbye! Have a good year at school! I don't want to hear about you getting into any fights with those other boys. You behave yourself, you hear me?"
"Yes, ma'am. Have a good day at work."
She leaves the house, and so do we. Before I lock the door, I take one last look around, and think to myself, "Everything is about to change."