When we get to the station, I greet my friends. Once Lucius leaves, I try to surreptitiously get Lily's attention, but I'm not sure if she's purposely not looking at me, or if she just doesn't notice me. On the first day back in class we have Transfiguration with the Gryffindors, so I go up to Lily to say hi and ask how her summer went.
She glares at me, eyes blazing, and snaps, "I haven't heard one word from you all summer! I even went by your house a few times and knocked on your door when your dad's truck wasn't there and you never answered! What's wrong with you?"
"Lily, I was in the hospital. I couldn't come see you because I was in the hospital," I mutter, edging away from Evan and the rest of my friends.
"Oh! Are you okay? What happened for you to be there all summer?"
"Keep your voice down! I wasn't there all summer, and don't tell anybody."
"If you weren't there all summer, then where were you? And you know I wouldn't tell."
"I can't hardly hear anything out of my left ear anymore and sometimes it's still hard to remember things. They tried to fix my hearing but they couldn't fix it all the way 'cause I got an ear infection they had to clear out before trying to fix my eardrum," I whisper.
"That's awful, Sev! How did you hurt your eardrum?"
"My dad."
"What?! What do you mean?!" she exclaims.
"He hit me right on my ear like this," I gently touch my hand to her left ear, "but really hard. You know how he is."
"I don't understand…"
"Your eardrums can rupture if there's enough noise or if the pressure in your ear canal changes super suddenly," I shrug, "At least that's what they said at St. Mungo's."
"Sev, that's terrible! What did he do when he realized that had happened? I'm sure he stopped and took you to the doctor or something!"
I shake my head, "I mean, he stopped at some point. Lucius took me home from St. Mungo's when I was all healed up, though."
"That's awful! I'm so sorry that happened to you and that your dad's so mean!"
"Thanks, Lily," I murmur, and shoot her a small smile.
"So I'm assuming you were at Malfoy Manor for the rest of the summer?"
"Yeah, I've been real busy with stuff. Lucius helped me a lot, and I got to meet some of his friends and hang out with Narcissa and everything!"
"And you didn't even think to come visit me at least once before you had to go to St. Mungo's?" her voice rises in accusation.
Rage rises up inside of me like a snake striking, and before I can push it down, I whisper-yell at her, "I'm sorry I didn't anticipate being beaten half to death the first week of summer break! The only food in my house was some fucking noodles, and I was too tired to do anything but sleep! After I left the hospital, Lucius was really helpful. Why would I want to go back to Cokeworth if I can stay at the manor anyways? Just to end up back in St. Mungo's? You don't know how bad it is, Lily!"
"I would if you would tell me! We're supposed to be friends! Best friends! And best friends confide in each other! I'm sorry it's so bad at your house, but how was I supposed to know it had gotten worse? You never tell me anything! You've only ever said that you get whooped and sometimes hit when he's been, you know," she looks around, and lowers her voice even more, "when he's been drinking. You've never said anything about getting beat!"
"That's 'cause I never wanted to make you worry! He's been like that since the mill closed. I just didn't want you to worry about me or say anything to your parents! My mum said that if anybody knew, the muggle government would take me away to a muggle family!"
"Sev, my parents would have taken you in if need be, or we would have figured out a way to keep you safe. I get why you were scared to speak up, but I wish you would have said something! I'm a big girl— I can handle it. Also, I've seen what's going on in the news. I'm not as naïve as you think. You never tell me anything anymore, and I'm worried about you. You've been spending more and more time with Malfoy at his manor, and every time you come back I feel like you're more distant with me! I don't know what goes on while you're there, but I don't want you to become one of those people who's obsessed with blood purity like you see in the Daily Prophet, Sev!"
"Nobody said you were naïve, Lily, I just didn't want you to worry is all, and I'm not like that. I'm half-blood myself, remember? I'm just doing my best with what I've got, okay?" I respond, glaring straight into her emerald eyes, "Sorry I don't meet your high expectations, though."
"Uh uh, don't you turn this around on me and make me the bad guy. You started doing that a couple years ago, and I'm tired of it! I'm sorry I came at you angry. I should have been more understanding. You happy now?" Her voice is too loud, and I notice Lupin glancing over.
"Yup, never been happier," I snap, turning away.
She grabs my hand and, looking around, she whispers, "Wait, Sev! Please don't go. I said I was sorry, okay? How are we supposed to stay friends if you don't tell me anything?"
I glance over at Evan. He raises his eyebrows at me, and I pull my hand away from Lily's, "Listen, I'm sorry, Lily, I'll try to be more open with you from now on, but you're going to have to accept that there are some things that I can't tell you," I whisper as Professor McGonagall strides into the classroom.
"Fine. Don't tell me anything, Severus. I just want us to be close like we used to be, but you're turning into somebody I don't know."
"I'm not sure what to tell you, Lily. We're growing up. Of course we're going to change a little bit. There's no reason for you to react like this, though," I say, turning away and walking back to Evan and the rest of my friends. What am I supposed to do? Tell her about the hours Lucius made me read to him in his own accent, correcting me when I slipped up? About making poison to kill my father, selling the extra vials, and splitting the profit with Lucius? Am I supposed to tell her how Lucius' friends congratulated him on his "project," and touched me in ways I wish I could forget?

When we are all done with classes for the day, I sit in the common room by the fireplace, occupying Lucius' old seat, catching up with Evan, Joseph, Clarence, and John. They like my new ring, and are jealous that I got to spend time with Lucius and his friends. Soon, Regulus Black comes up. We've hung out a few times, and have been cordial since he was sorted. When he comes up to us, he asks what we're up to. The others roll their eyes and say, "Nothing," but I respond truthfully. I let him sit with us. He sits on the floor by my chair in the exact same spot I sat in since I was a first year when Lucius would sit in this chair. When it is time for supper, he sits next to me as well. I see Sirius looking at us, and smile nastily at him. When he sees, Regulus tells me all about how cruel Sirius has been to him since he was sorted into Slytherin, and how Sirius won't hardly look at him anymore, and how Sirius is mean to their house elf, and how his mother wants to kick Sirius out of the house. He says that he had to come to me. He explains that he knew I had to be alright, since Sirius speaks so poorly of me. He says I've always been nice to him and he really needed somebody to talk to. I pat him on the back as Lucius does to me and tell him that I, too, have it rough at home. I say that someday it will be alright. I remind myself of my mother, and wonder if it has happened yet.
"How do you know that it's going to be alright?" he asks.
"Lucius always says it will," I respond.
"Hey! Severus! Clarence is talking to you!" shouts Joseph from across the table.
"What?" I say, as I turn to my left, "were you really?"
"Of course! I wanted to ask you if you wanted to study together after dinner tonight!" says Clarence with a disgruntled expression.
"Yes, please! I need to study! And sorry, I didn't hear you! It's super noisy in here" I apologize, trying to cover up my moment of ineptitude.
"I was literally this close to you," he responds, showing me how close with his hands.
"Can Rabastan and I come, too?" pipes up Regulus before anybody has time to ask questions.
"Sure! I don't mind!" I say, quickly looking back at Regulus and giving him a thankful smile.

As we walk away, I catch Lily's eye and nod at her. She waves. Regulus sees her and asks,
"Who's that girl waving at?"
"Me. We live in the same town."
"Oh, I didn't know you had a friend in Gryffindor!"
"Yeah, we don't talk much anymore, though. Once we got sorted into different houses, we kind of grew apart a little."
"Are you sad about it?"
"Let's talk about something else, okay? Are you excited for your classes to begin?"
Regulus looks sideways at me questioningly, but drops it.

Later that night as I snuggle into bed, I reflect on what I said about Lily. If I can keep my friends from paying attention to her, then I can protect her. If I can protect her, then we can stay friends. If we can stay friends, then someday I'll be able to let her know how much she means to me. She was my first real friend— the first time I felt like I was equal to somebody else, not just some weak little kid. I always knew I could be myself around her, but now I'm afraid to tell her anything because I'm nervous she'll tell a professor. I'm afraid that if she told anybody about how I sold my poisons, I'd get in big trouble. I don't want to go to Azkaban or something like that! I don't even have a license or anything! And Lucius would be in trouble, too! And I'm afraid that if she told anybody about how Lucius' friends touched me, I wouldn't be allowed to go to the manor anymore, and Lucius would get in trouble, too! And I'm afraid that if I told her how I want to eat, but starve myself anyways because I don't want to get big and be all alone like when I was a kid, she'd think I'm crazy and tell Madame Pomfrey, and I'd get admitted back to St. Mungo's. Plus, I feel like if I knew how, I should feel romantic towards her. After all, we are a boy and a girl, but I just don't know how. I just love her like a sister! I can't imagine doing that with her! That would be gross! I wonder if I'll ever like a girl like how Joseph, Clarence, and John talk about liking girls, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to think they're attractive like that. All of my friends have started growing, and their voices have cracked and deepened. Evan's been working out a lot over the summer. His muscles have gotten bigger, and he's gotten a lot taller. I remain too short and too skinny. My voice has cracked a few times, but hasn't gotten much deeper, and I don't have one speck of facial hair. I figure that it's okay— it's bound to happen at some point.

The next day while I am in Transfiguration, Professor Dumbledore comes to the classroom. I watch him speak to Professor McGonagall for a few urgent minutes, wondering if it's happened. When he asks me to accompany him back to his office, my stomach leaps, but I take a deep breath and clear my mind. As I leave the classroom, I notice Potter and Black staring at me, and wonder what new, fresh hell they're planning for me this time. It used to be just pushing, and name calling, but each school year, the bullying has gotten worse. I try to fight back, but it's hard to fight back when it's all two against one, and especially hard when they get Pettigrew and Lupin to help them. I know I need to eat to get stronger so I can fight them off more easily, but over the summer my eating habits really spiraled. I want to eat, but now whenever I look at food, I feel as if it's the only thing I can control anymore, and besides, everybody likes me better when I'm little. I like it when Lucius picks me up, and I like it when Evan wraps his arms all the way around my waist to hug me, and I like it when my friends act worried about me when I don't eat enough. I know I should eat more and gain weight so that I can be healthier and feel better, but at this point, I like being skinny and little more than I want to be healthy.

Dumbledore snaps me out of my thoughts when he says the password to his office. He opens the door, and motions for me to sit down. He offers me a glass of water, then sits down across from me behind his desk. Leaning in slightly to look me in my eyes, he says, "Severus, I am sorry to inform you of a very unfortunate event that happened yesterday evening."
I look away, "Yes, sir?"
"Both of your parents were found dead last night."
I know I should act sad, and I know that when I'm sad, I get a hollow, tight feeling in my chest, and my eyes feel full, so I try to imagine that feeling in my chest. I close my eyes, and drop my head. I take a deep breath, then open my eyes and stare at one of the trinkets on his desk, trying to make it look as if I'm struggling to process the information he has just given me. I take another deep breath, and trying to sound shocked, I quietly ask, "What happened?" and I am proud of how I can make it sound as if I am teetering on the edge of tears.
"Your mother hadn't come into work for several days, so one of her co-workers went to check on her. We have evidence to believe that both your mother and father died from a fatal alcohol overdose. I am so sorry," he says quietly, an expression of greatest sadness and sympathy on his face.
His eyes seem to pierce me when I look at him, and I don't want him to see my guilt. I take a deep breath, redirecting my gaze to a spot on the wall, "What am I gonna do?" I ask, trying to sound hopeless.
"You will be exempt from class for the rest of the day. You will need to go home to speak with your priest about the funeral. I am happy to escort you should you want—"
"Oh, I wouldn't want to... to... what's the word? To annoy you? To make you stop what you're doing?" I say, forgetting for a second to act sad.
Dumbledore raises one eyebrow, "To inconvenience me?"
"Mm hmm, I don't wanna— want to inconvenience you. I'm sure Lucius can take me, and if not, I can go by myself. I've always done stuff on my own, anyways. That's how it's always been," I finish quietly.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Just that my parents were always busy growing up, so I'm used to doing everything on my own," I sniff, remembering that I'm supposed to be acting sad, "They both worked so hard, I can't believe they're gone."
"Of course. Losing a parent is always hard, but losing both parents at the same time must be heartbreaking for you. Is there anything I can do to assist you in this troubling time?" he asks, and again I feel as if his eyes are piercing me.
"No, sir. I'll be fine on my own. May I go? I need to send an owl to Lucius."
"Lucius Malfoy?"
"Yes, sir."
"I will contact him for you. While I do that, if you would please go to go down to the Hospital Wing, Madame Pomfrey will do a quick checkup and speak with you about your options going forward," he says.
"Why does she need to see me? I'm fine, I don't need a checkup!" I frown. The bowl of porridge I ate for breakfast feels heavy in my stomach now, and I wish I hadn't eaten anything at all.
"She received your records from your visit at St. Mungo's over the summer, and she wants to run some diagnostic tests to see why you are struggling so hard to gain weight and grow. I must say I was surprised to hear that you had been there for two weeks over the summer. Will you remind me what happened again?"
I force myself not to squirm uncomfortably, and after a moment of thinking hard about how I can spin the scenario into partial truths, I say slowly, "I had some trouble with my health. About a week into break, I began feeling extra tired, and weak, and dizzy, and I fell down the stairs and got really bruised up, and I broke my ribs, and hit my head. Come to find out, my blood pressure was really low, and I had an ear infection, so that makes sense that I was dizzy."
"Hmm, interesting," Dumbledore says quietly, "We will need to make sure to keep a close eye on those health conditions in the future. Provided you go straight to the Hospital Wing without taking any detours, you are free to go. And again, I am sorry for your loss."
"Thanks," I mumble, and leave his office as quickly as I can without seeming to be rushing. Every time I'm near him, I feel as if he's looking straight into my soul, and it makes my insides feel like ice.

On my way to the Hospital Wing, I shove some various coins and vials of potions from my school bag into my pockets to make me heavier. When I get there, Madame Pomfrey, wanting to get the most accurate number on the scale possible, makes me take off my cloak and shoes, sweater, tie, and button-down. Noticing the lumps of coins and vials in my pants pockets, she has me turn out my pockets and put the coins back into my bag, then she asks me to step on the scale to take my weight.
I turn around to step on the scale, and when she sees the scars covering my back, she lets out a tiny gasp, "Oh, sweetheart! I saw on your hospital notes that you had welts all over your back, but I didn't know you had this many, or that they were bad enough to scar like that! Why, some of these must be years old! What happened?"
I shrug.
"Severus, I need to know how this happened. Can't you please tell me? We need to make sure it doesn't happen again."
"It won't. He's dead now. He can't hurt me anymore," I mumble.
"Who?"
"My father," I state, "He was drunk, but he didn't need to be to whoop me." I angrily kick my ratty old backpack out of the way as I step onto the scale.
"How do you feel now that he and your mother have passed?" she asks quietly as she takes my height and weight.
I know that I should say that I'm sad, but it doesn't really matter anymore, so I say, "Maybe once I talk to the priest and see the burial places, I'll feel more sad. Right now I just feel confused, I think."
"Funerals usually bring us closure," she says knowingly, "I found that I was more shocked than anything to learn of my father's passing. I didn't quite believe it until the wake. Once I saw him, I could finally allow myself to truly grieve."
I nod, and step off the scale. Madame Pomfrey leads me over to a hospital bed, asks me some questions, then, before she lets me put the rest of my clothes back on, she does some spells to check my heart, stomach, liver, kidneys, thyroid, and intestines. Finding nothing wrong, she lets me put the rest of my clothes back on and gives me a warm blanket.

While I sit, clutching the blanket around my shoulders and shivering, Lucius and Professor Dumbledore arrive.
As soon as he sees me, Lucius comes straight over to me and pulls me into a tight hug, "I can take it from here, Professor," he says, stroking my hair.
"Thank you, Lucius," says Professor Dumbledore, "Severus, we will talk about the question of your guardianship when you return."
"I'll take care of him, Professor," Lucius declares.
Dumbledore hesitates for a brief second, then looks at me, and says, "We can talk about it once Severus has had a chance to think it over."
I shake my head, and mumble, "It's okay. Lucius has always taken care of me. It never was my parents, anyways."
Lucius pats me on the back.
Dumbledore fixes Lucius with a penetrating gaze, and says, "That's very kind of you, Lucius."
Lucius looks away, then, as if choosing his words very carefully, he says, "Not at all, Dumbledore. I'm just… just doing the right thing for Severus."
"Of course," Dumbledore smiles, still watching Lucius.
As Lucius and I leave the Hospital Wing to go back to the manor, I hear Madame Pomfrey say to Dumbledore, "Professor, there's something I need to tell you," and I know she's going to tell him about my dad. It doesn't matter now anyways, so I shouldn't still be nervous, but I am.

I manage to keep my mind clear until we get to the parish center to talk to the priest. I tell him there's no money for a funeral or headstones or anything. He says the church can cover the burial, but that's it. With no other options, we plan the burial for that evening. While Lucius and I wait, we go to my house and pack up the few possessions I want to take back to the manor with me, and clean out any food or drinks that would go bad while nobody's living there. While we work, Lucius talks to me about what he's working on at the moment at the ministry, and about how he might let me re-decorate my room a bit once I officially move in over Christmas break. I know he's trying to distract me and comfort me in his own way, and I appreciate it. Once we're done cleaning, it's time to go to the graveyard. I know I should cry when I see the fresh mound of dirt covering the bodies of my parents, but I now that I'm face to face with what I've done, all I feel is numb shock. I make the sign of the cross like my dad would have wanted, bow my head, and briefly pray that even though they were bad parents, their souls might still find rest wherever they end up. I hope my dad, wherever he is now, is free of his alcohol addiction, and my mum has forgiven me for being born. When I'm done praying, I turn around and start walking away. Lucius doesn't say anything as we walk back to my house.

Before we leave, I murmur, almost to myself, "What have I done?"
Lucius turns to me, and, with a slight smile, says, "You killed your parents."
I look into his eyes, and say, "What if my dad finally got his promotion for him, and him and my mum were celebrating? What if he was gonna be sober for good this time? He took better care of me than my mum when he was sober!"
Lucius sighs, "I'm going to tell you the truth, and I want you to listen. Neither of your parents ever loved you. All Eileen ever did was neglect you. She jumped at every opportunity she could to pass you off to me because she didn't want to have to take care of you. Your father was a violent drunk who should never have had a child. He was never going to stay sober. And you have no way of knowing if he had gotten his promotion. It's more probable that he was drinking and she also took a sip. Did you never see her drink before?"
My eyes start to tear up, and I sniff, "I guess once in a while! But what if he did get the promotion?! He wasn't as bad when he was sober! I could have had my dad back!"
"Stop crying. If he was going to get sober, then he wouldn't have been drinking in the first place. You've done what you've done, and you can't take it back."
"But what if they find out it was me and I go to Azkaban?!" my voice is rising as tears begin to fall down my cheeks.
"Nobody's going to find out it was you. Only you and I know what you've done."
"I don't wanna go to Azkaban!" I sob, holding my hands over my face so that he can't see how ugly I am like this.
"Come now, be logical," Lucius says, putting his hand on my back and swiftly guiding me to the couch, "Unless you or I told somebody, then how would anybody find out?"
"But what if?!"
"I really wouldn't worry about it if I were you. If anything were to get out and the ministry went after you, I have some friends who would be more than capable of keeping you out of trouble if need be, alright?"
I nod jerkily, and nuzzle my head into his shoulder as I work on calming down. He puts his arm around me and rubs my back as my breathing slows. Once I've stopped crying, I mumble into his shoulder, "Lucius?"
"Yes?"
I raise my tear-stained face to look into his icy gray eyes, and ask, "Have you ever done anything bad?"
Lucius smirks at me, stands up, and, holding out his hand to me, he quietly says, "Come along, Severus. Let's go home, alright?"

Lost in thought, I'm quiet during dinner. Before bed, Lucius reads to me from his conservative newspaper as I lay on my back on the couch, staring at the ceiling, absentmindedly fingering the baby blanket I stuffed in my backpack at the last second before leaving my house. I don't know why I took it, really, but sitting here looking at it now makes me remember the days before my dad started drinking. He stopped letting me sleep with it when I was seven and he lost his job at the mill. He said only babies sleep with blankets or toys, and that he'd throw it away if he ever caught me sleeping with it again. I guess I really am too old for it now. Once I go upstairs, I fold the blanket up neatly, put it in the bottom of my wardrobe, and go to bed. Like my mum used to say, it was a different time.