The next day when I return to Hogwarts, Lucius, Dumbledore, Madame Pomfrey, Professor Slughorn and I have a long meeting about my guardianship, my house, and my health. For my guardianship, Lucius signs papers to have custody and power of attorney for me for the remaining one and a half years that I will be underage. Lucius tells them about the protective enchantments he put around my house. They seem content. Slughorn boasts that Lucius always was good with charms.
"And Severus is incredible with potions," says Lucius, looking Slughorn straight in the eyes.
Slughorn looks away uncomfortably. I know he is thinking about all of the gifts Potter has given him to stay in the spotlight. Right then, I know that Slughorn will never give my contact to anybody, and I vow to never go to the Slugclub again. It's okay, though, I have better, more powerful contacts now, anyways.
When the topic turns to my health, I feel attacked and interrogated. Not even Lucius is on my side now.
At one point, I cover my eyes with my hands and sink down into my chair, "Maybe I'll eat more when I've studied enough for my exams and stuff and I can remember things more, and maybe I'll drink more water when I'm not busy worrying about everything, and I don't wanna take any more of your potions! I'm fine! Everything is fine!"
"You're ill, Severus, you can't keep denying it forever," says Lucius.
"You can lead a hippogriff to the water, but you can't make it drink! I say if he wants to be stubborn and mule-headed, then let him be! If he needs help, he'll ask!" exclaims Slughorn, throwing his hands in the air.
"Professor Slughorn! The child is traumatized! You can't tell me you've already forgotten what I told you all this morning! And you've never seen him without that cloak or big, bulky sweater on, but he's absolutely emaciated! He needs rest, more food, more liquids, and more potions for his poor head, not your reproaches!" cries Madame Pomfrey, "I know how much he weighs, and it's absolutely appalling! When I had him step on my scale yesterday, he had put coins and vials of potions in his pockets to make the number higher! The poor thing's all skin and bones! You can't tell me the child doesn't need help!"
"Is that true, Severus?" Lucius turns to regard me with disappointment.
Behind my fingers, I can feel my eyes beginning to well up with tears.
"Well?"
Very slowly, I nod my head.
"How much does he weigh, Madame Pomfrey?" Lucius says, tiredly.
"Well, once I made him take out everything he had put in his pockets, he was 5 foot 2 and 82 pounds. That's even less than he weighed at the end of the last school year! I've tested him for parasites, ulcers, intestinal, thyroid, kidney, and liver issues, reflux, irritable bowel syndrome, cancer, and everything else I could think of! There's nothing wrong with him, other than the fact that he doesn't eat!" she exclaims.
"I told you I thought you had lost weight a few weeks after you left St. Mungo's, Severus!" Lucius sighs, "Why won't you just eat? Do you not like the food Dobby makes? What about the food here?"
I shrug, and mutter, "My stomach just hurts."
"But that's the thing, Severus, sweetheart, I've tested you for everything under the sun! There's nothing wrong with your stomach! You weighed 86 pounds when you left the hospital this summer after promising the healers that you would eat, yet here you are now! Are you just anxious? Is that why your stomach hurts?" Madame Pomfrey says, lowering her voice.
I shrug.
"Because if you're anxious or stressed, that might be what's making your stomach hurt."
I shrug again.
"I'm happy to give you a daily potion to help you calm down a bit for a month or so if that's what you need to be able to eat. Do you think that would help you?"
I don't answer her.
"Madame Pomfrey asked you a question. Don't be disrespectful, Severus. Answer her," murmurs Lucius, rubbing my back.
"I dunno," I mutter, "I don't wanna take any more potions if I don't have to."
"Why, sweetheart? If it would help you, why wouldn't you want to take them?"
I shrug, then, not wanting Lucius to be mad at me, say, "I'm not crazy. I don't need potions. Like you said, there's nothing wrong with me."
Madame Pomfrey looks into my eyes, and says seriously, "Sweetheart, if you keep losing weight, we're going to have to admit you back to St. Mungo's. You don't want that to happen, right? You want to be healthy and do well in school, don't you? And I know your friends want to see you happy and healthy, too."
Feeling my eyes well up again, I look away.
Madame Pomfrey sighs, and says, "I suppose we can talk about this more at another time when he's not so wound up. Lucius? You have your work cut out for you, I hope you know that."
"Yes, ma'am," Lucius says, "he's always been like this. I don't remember it being so bad when I was still in school, though. But no matter, we'll figure it out, won't we, Severus?"
I just nod.
We finish up the meeting, and before heading out, Dumbledore tells Lucius to meet with the rest of my professors to get caught up on how I'm doing in their classes, and anything else they think he needs to know. Madame Pomfrey tells me to come to the hospital wing next Friday after my classes and we can talk about starting a daily potion to make me less anxious. I say I'll go, but secretly, I think I'll "forget." I'm not crazy. I don't need help. Since a few of the professors' offices are near the library, Lucius tells me to go to the library to study for a bit while he meets with them, and begrudgingly, I obey. At least while I'm there, I might get to see Lily! I want to confide in her, but I know she'll think I'm a bad person if she knows what I've done, and I'm scared that she'd turn me in. No, it's best not to tell her. I'll just tell her that my parents died in an accident, and that I'm very sad about it. And I want to apologize for not being nice to her the other day in class. If she's in the library, maybe we can study transfiguration together! Maybe I can quiz her while she brushes my hair, and it'll be just like old times.
Lost in thought, I don't even look around to see who's walking near me in the hallways until, suddenly, I am shoved hard into an empty classroom near the entrance to the library. As I stumble, I feel a spell hit me on my back, and my legs give out underneath me. My back is stinging as if my father is whipping me with his belt again, and as four sets of footsteps draw closer to me, and the door to the room shuts, I am back at home, and my dad is coming home drunk, and he's going to kill me this time, I know it. I curl into a ball, covering my head and neck with my arms, and I whimper as a strong hand grabs my upper right arm and hauls me up.
"Look what I caught!" Black laughs, takes my wand from my pocket, tosses it away, shakes me, then throws me back down to the floor.
"So nice of you to drop by just when we were getting tired of studying, Snivellous!" Potter smiles, "Why'd Dumbledore take you out of class yesterday, huh?"
"It couldn't have been anything that bad, since he's back today, James, I bet he won a prize or something. You know, Ugliest Kid In School, or something like that," Black says gloatingly. Potter and Pettigrew laugh.
"He took me out 'cause—" I'm cut off by a sharp kick to my stomach from Potter.
"Shut up, dumbass! Nobody actually cares why Dumbledore took you out of class," he sneers, and points his wand at me, "In fact, nobody cares about you at all. Why don't you help us practice for Defense class tomorrow? You can be the practice dummy! What was the spell we were looking at the other day, Remus?"
"Um, I'm not sure," Lupin murmurs, "Are you thinking of the tickling one?"
Black laughs loudly, then casts, "Everte Statum!" and I am thrown backwards, and my breath is knocked out of my lungs as my back hits the wall. As I slide down to the floor, Black says, "Nah, he's thinking of that one that makes burns! What's the incantation, though? Do you remember, Peter?"
"I think it's Ardeo, isn't it?" Pettigrew says excitedly.
"Yeah! That's the one!" Potter exclaims. He walks over to me, and I curl back up into a ball, "Petrificus Totalis!" he sneers, and my arms are forced to my sides, and my legs are forced straight. Potter kicks me over onto my back, grabs my left arm, says, "Finite," and before I can curl back up, Black grabs my right arm and pins it down. I try to kick at them, but Pettigrew comes over and sits on my legs. Potter calls out to Lupin, "Hey, do you want to cast, or do you want to hold him down while I do it?"
Lupin locks eyes with me for a second, then says, "Um, I can hold him I guess," and slowly walks over. He takes my left arm from Potter, and holds it much less painfully. I hate that he doesn't tell them to stop, but I guess I understand. He doesn't want to be next.
Potter takes my right wrist and presses his thumb on pressure point to keep my hand open, then murmurs, "Ardeo!" and I can't help but cry out in pain as the palm of my hand and all of my fingers are engulfed in horrible, burning pain.
As Potter grabs my left wrist, I cry, "Stop!"
Still squeezing my wrist, he says, "Shut up, or I'll get your nose instead. Ardeo!"
The spell is stronger this time, and even though I'm biting my bottom lip to stop from crying out, a muffled yelp still escapes my mouth.
Black laughs at the tears dripping down my cheeks, "Good luck in Potions tomorrow, Snivellous!" and lets go of me. Pettigrew stands up, and Lupin briefly squeezes my arm before letting go, perhaps to try to comfort me, or maybe just to hurt me even more. I don't know, and I don't care anymore. Once they've let go of me, I curl back up into a ball, crossing my arms over my chest, trying to protect my burnt palms.
Potter yawns, "Well, I guess let's go. That was a fun study break. See ya around, fuck-face!"
Just then, the door to the room opens, and all four Gryffindors look around guiltily. I glance up, and there, like a beacon of light, is Lucius, and he looks murderous. He takes a single, slow step into the room.
All four Gryffindors take a step backwards.
"I apologize if I'm mistaken, but I believe I heard my Severus begging somebody to stop doing something, and I believe I heard him crying in pain. Do you boys care to explain what exactly you're doing?" he says, and I recognize the simmering, controlled anger in his low, threatening voice.
"Oh, we were just practicing dueling for Defense class tomorrow! He got disarmed and held out his hands to surrender, but I had already cast the spell!" Potter says, but his voice sounds higher than normal, and he is fidgeting with his fingers behind his back.
I sit up, still cradling my burnt hands, and look around for my wand. Seeing it in the corner of the room, I gingerly stand up and walk over to try to pick it up as Lucius takes another step forward. All four Gryffindors take a step backwards.
"Really? Because it seemed as if I heard you telling Severus to shut up," Lucius says, raising one eyebrow.
"Yeah, that was me," Potter says, ruffling his hair, "I just didn't want any professors thinking we were doing anything bad, you know? It wasn't really our fault, we were just practicing dueling! I figured that if somebody heard him, they would think we were being mean to him, or something."
I don't say anything. There's no point.
"Severus, is that what really happened?" Lucius asks.
I shrug, and whimper as I pick up my wand with the tips of my fingers. They have already begun to blister, and my left hand is bleeding in several places, "Even if I say no, nobody's gonna do anything about it. The professors always believe them instead of me, so it doesn't matter," I mumble, and wipe my cheek on my shoulder.
Lucius holds out his hand to me, and I pad over to him as he glares at the four Gryffindors, and quietly says, "Sirius, you should be ashamed. If I ever hear that you have injured my Severus again, your mother and father will hear about it, and I know as well as you that Walburga does not tolerate misbehavior well. Now get out of my sight. All four of you."
Not needing to be told twice, Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew walk as quickly as they can out of the room, and I can hear them running down the corridor. Lucius swiftly walks over to me and envelops me into a tight hug. I press my face into his chest, and he strokes my hair. When I am calm, I look up at him, and thank him for helping me. He pats my back, and tells me that he was happy to do so. He casts Episkey on my hands, and the burns heal ever so slightly. Both palms are still red and dry, and there are still some blisters, but the open wounds on my left hand at least look to be closed. He pats my back again, and tells me that we should go, and that he'll meet with the rest of my professors after I'm back in my common room.
Once we get down to the Slytherin common room, Lucius smooths my hair out of my face and tells me that if I need him to let him know, but that he will be very busy for the next few months, "Just stick with your friends whenever you can. Don't go anywhere alone unless you have to, alright? Don't give those four a reason to bully you. If you have to fight, be careful. You don't want to be the one who ends up being punished if a professor sees you, do you understand?"
"Yes, Lucius. I'll be careful. I promise!"
"Good boy. You're going to make this a good year, right?"
"Mm hmm!"
"Goodbye, Severus, I'll see you at Christmas!"
"Bye!"
Lucius walks off, and I go into my common room. My friends aren't there yet, so I head over to the window where I can stare out into the lake and clear my mind. I know I should study, but I just don't care. If I don't try to relax a bit, I feel as if I might lose my mind. When my friends finally get back, I tell them what happened. Evan and Joseph tell me not to worry, and that they'll take care of Potter and Black for me at the next quidditch game. I don't know why, but seeing Evan angry like that on my behalf makes me feel like I have butterflies in my stomach, and I look down so that nobody can see the blush creeping into my cheeks.
The next day during charms class, Lily and I partner up to practice banishing charms. I just tell my friends that since I was at Lucius' the whole summer, I had to be her partner to get her to stop bugging me to hang out. This seemed to satisfy them well enough, thankfully. I raise my hand to cast the charm, and after a couple of failed attempts, I finally get the pillow I'm banishing to fly backwards a few feet.
"Hey, that ring is cool!" Lily exclaims, looking closely at the ring on my thumb that Lucius gave me, "Where did you get it?"
I can feel my heartbeat speed up slightly as I remember the way Yaxley's hand felt moving up my thigh. I shiver as the memory of Dolohov saying how lovely I'd sound screaming pops into my head, I roll my shoulders to get them to relax, and say, "Thanks! Lucius gave it to me! I'm thinking about having my cartilage pierced and getting a matching earring, but I don't know if Lucius would like that." I make sure to keep my palms facing down so that she can't see the healing burns on them.
"That would look so good on you, Sev! You should get your lobes done, too. You'd look super cool with lots of piercings! But what does it matter if Lucius would like it? He doesn't own your body, you do!"
"You think so? I've been wanting my ears done for a while!" I say, ignoring the last part of what she said.
"I could do your ears! Ruth and I did ours with safety pins over the summer."
"Okay! Let's do it after class! You're right! I don't care what Lucius thinks about it. The most he can do is make me take them out, and I won't see him again for a while, so they'll have lots of time to heal!" A reckless abandonment sets over me, and we make plans to meet in the girl's bathroom where the ghost Moaning Myrtle always hangs out.
After class, I wait by the abandoned bathroom while Lily runs to her common room to grab extra earrings, a safety pin, rubbing alcohol, and cotton balls. When she gets back, she hands me a pain potion. When I open my hand to take it, she gasps, "What happened to your hand?!"
"Oh, um, it's nothing," I mumble.
"That's not nothing! Your palms are all red! And there are blisters on them! Tell me the truth!" she exclaims, frowning at me.
"Potter and his gang shoved me into an empty classroom, pinned me down, and burned them," I say quickly, "But Lucius came in 'cause he heard me cr— I mean, he heard them laughing, so he came in and made them leave. Please don't tell anybody, Lily! Please! The professors always take their word over mine, and then I'm the one who gets in trouble! Please don't tell anybody!" I beg.
Lily looks down and murmurs, "My parents always told me to stand up to bullies, and to stand up for people who need help, but you always tell me not to help you. Are you even being bullied by them, or are you just trying to turn me against them because they're popular, and you're scared that if I become friends with them, that I'll leave you?"
I stare at her in hurt and bewilderment, and say, "Why would you say that?"
Cheeks reddening, she quickly blurts out, "Because James— Potter said that you hex him all the time! And when I asked them, he and Black said that it's all just pranks, and that you're just overreacting and taking things personally!"
"So you're gonna take their word over mine, after all this time we've been friends?" I say, glaring at her.
"No! It's just that it's hard to know what to believe! All I've ever seen is them picking on you! I've never seen them really hurt you! And you lie all the time! You're always hiding things from me and pretending to be all innocent, but Jonah Shah told me how you were with Mulciber the whole time he was calling him a mudblood, and making fun of his ears, and he said that you even laughed at him when Mulciber cast a glob of mud at his shirt!"
"That's a damn lie," I snarl, even though it isn't, "I would never do something like that! How could you believe all that bullshit about me?! Are you sure you even heard him right? Maybe you're misremembering!"
"I dunno, Sev. I don't think I am, but if you say that it's not true, then it's not true," she shrugs, but I know she's not convinced, "Do you still want to do our ears together, or are you gonna just sulk about what I said and give me the silent treatment like you did last time I made you mad?"
I take a deep breath, and smile at her, "I wanna do our ears together! Thanks for believing me. I'm sorry that we didn't get to hang out over the summer like normal, and I wanted to say sorry for not being as nice to you as I should've been in class the other day. We're still best friends, right?"
"Of course! We'll always be best friends," she smiles back at me, but I don't believe her.
While I rub my ears down with the rubbing alcohol, Lily begins sterilizing the safety pin and various earrings.
"Where do you want the piercings, and how many do you want?" she asks once she's done.
"Oh, it doesn't matter to me. Do whatever you think looks good. I trust you. And I'll just take a little sip of the potion, I'll be fine. You save the rest for yourself."
"Are you sure? It's gonna hurt!"
"Yeah, it doesn't matter. I'll be fine," I say, taking a tiny sip then handing the vial back to her.
"Okay, whatever you say, Sev!" she shrugs, and begins numbing my ears up with some ice conjured from the tap water. She then proceeds to do two piercings through each of my lobes, two piercings through my right helix, and one through my left. The ice and the sip of pain potion I took help a bit, but I can still feel a lot. Rather than let her see my pain, I take a deep breath, fix my eyes on a spot on the wall, and let myself dissociate, then I hear her say my name.
I blink, look around, and say, "Mmm?"
"You there?" she smiles, but I can tell she's a bit put-off.
"Yeah! Sorry, I was just thinking," I say, glancing in Lily's cloudy handheld mirror.
"Maybe I shouldn't have done so many…" she says.
"No! They look great!" I exclaim. As I stand up, the blood rushes to my head and I feel faint. I grab the sink to catch my balance, then closely examine my ears in the mirror, "Do you want me to replace these earrings for you?"
"No, that's okay! I got a bunch this summer, so I'm fine. I have a couple pairs left that I brought— you wanna give me a couple new piercings? I want my doubles done for my lobes, and I want my helix done like I did your left one!" she says, pulling the earrings out of her bag.
"Okay! You want the two on your right helix, too?"
"Ooo yeah! Then we'll match! Let me clean off the safety pin. You can clean off my ears and the earrings."
After we're done, we have matching left and right helix piercings. She ends up not wanting her doubles done on her lobes, though. The pain potion she took has worn off by the time I finish her cartilage piercings, and she doesn't want to touch her ears anymore. We leave the bathroom, and head out to the lake. While we walk, I ask her about her summer. She tells me about how it was lonely without me, and that Petunia didn't want to hang out with her at all. She tells me that Lady is getting older, and that she had to go to the vet a lot over the summer because her joints are getting stiff. She says she saw my mum walking to the bus stop a couple of times, and that she had said hello to her and asked about me, but that all my mum said was that I was fine, and that I was spending some time at a friend's house. I tell her that my parents died suddenly, and that that's why I got taken out of Transfiguration class yesterday. She is surprised that I didn't tell her sooner, hugs me tight, and says that she's sorry for my loss. I just thank her quickly and try to change the subject. I don't want to talk about my parents. They're dead now. They can't hurt me anymore, and I don't even want to have to think about them.
Once we get to the lake, we sit in silence. That's something I've always liked about Lily— I never feel as though I have to talk when I'm with her. It's enough to just be together. When the sun starts to set, we stand up, and I mumble, "It's getting late. We should head back to the castle."
For a second, we look into each other's eyes, and she blushes, "Sev, I— nevermind."
"What?"
"It's all going to be okay, right? You Know Who, and all the deaths, and everything that's happening out there. Do you think it's gonna be okay?"
I squeeze her hand, and murmur, "I don't know. We just have to survive. That's all. Just keep surviving. But that's not what you wanted to hear, is it?"
Lily shakes her head.
I hesitate for a second, unsure of what to do, then ask, "Would you like a hug?"
Lily nods, and I wrap her up in my arms. She's taller than me, but I don't care.
After a minute, Lily lets go, and says, "Thank you for being honest."
I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything at all.
"Sev?" she asks, "have you ever gone on a date with anybody before?"
"Nah," I respond, "I haven't had money till this summer, anyways."
"Is there anybody you'd want to go on a date with?" Lily looks into my eyes.
I think of Evan, then take a deep breath, and say, "I guess, but they wouldn't wanna go out with me."
"They?" she asks, raising her eyebrows.
"No, not more than one person, silly goose," I grin.
"No, that's not what I was asking," she shakes her head, and looks off at the lake.
I hesitate, and quietly say, "What were you asking, then?"
Very quickly, Lily blurts out, "Do you like girls?"
"Of course I like girls!" I exclaim, "Why wouldn't I like girls?! I'm not like that, Lily, you know that! That's disgusting!"
Lily blushes an even darker shade of pink, and says, "Well, you've never gone on a date with a girl, and you've never talked to me about girls you like, so I just wondered! You can tell me if you don't! I promise I won't make fun of you!"
I shake my head and stare out across the lake. If I tell her, then I'm sure she'd think I was crazy, and disgusting, and she wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. Besides, the way I feel is wrong, anyways. I'm just confused. I murmur, "I just haven't met a girl I'm attracted to like that yet, that's all."
"Okay, I believe you. I just don't want you to think that I would make fun of you if you were like that. You'd still be my friend— my best friend— no matter who you liked. Okay?"
I just nod.
"Do you want to tell me about your summer, then? You still haven't told me about what you did all summer after you got out of the hospital!" she smiles.
I think about all the poisons I made and sold over the summer. I think about the spells I've created. I think about the conversations I listened to Lucius and his friends having about mudbloods and muggles and wizarding supremacy. I think about how Yaxley's hands felt unbuttoning my shirt, and how Dolohov's cherry lollipop made me feel so tired and weak. I know I can't talk about any of that with her, so I say, "I... I got to go on some errands with Lucius to Diagon Alley. And I met some of his friends from the ministry. And I sold some potions, so that was cool. And me and Narcissa got ice cream a couple times, but it wasn't as fun as getting ice cream with you!"
"That sounds fun! What potions did you sell?"
"Um, just some basic ones," I say, looking off into the sunset.
"Please stop lying to me," Lily says quietly, "You can tell me the truth! I promise!"
I am quiet for a few seconds, then shake my head, and mumble, "I'm sorry."
She looks away across the lake, and murmurs, "I am, too."
As we walk back to the castle, I feel as if a divide has gone up between us— as if we are somehow separated by miles and miles, even though we are right next to each other. When we reach the front doors, we say goodbye, and Lily and I walk away in separate directions back to our respective common rooms. I look back, wanting to say something, but Lily doesn't. The words I wanted to say die on their way up, and I turn back around and walk away from the first real friend I ever had.
When I get back to my common room, it is dark. Regulus and Evan have stayed by the fire to wait for me. I am glad to have friends like them. Evan puts his arm around my shoulder when I sit down. I know I should pull away, but I don't. Regulus gives us a small smile. They both say they like my piercings. It might be the firelight, but Evan seems to be blushing a bit. When I ask him if he's too warm, he nods, takes his sweater off, crosses his legs, and covers them with his sweater, but puts his arm back around my shoulder when he's done. We stay up talking far past when we should have gone to sleep, and when we finally say goodnight and go to our respective dorms, I lay in bed mulling over the day. My mind wanders to how nice Evan's arm felt around me at the fire, and I glance over at him. He is lying on his side with his blanket half hanging off him. I smile to myself, then quickly look away. Unbidden, the image of him shaving pops into my head. I can feel my heart-beat speed up, and embarrassed, I turn over, clearing my mind. I should be thinking of a girl. Not my friend. Not another boy. That's not natural!
Unable to sleep, I get up and head to the bathroom to take a shower and clear my head. The eucalyptus scent of the shampoo, conditioner, and soap Lucius gave me makes me feel special, and the hot water relaxes my muscles. When I feel ready to go back to bed, I turn the water off, and immediately wrap myself in my towel, shivering. I put my boxers and sweatpants back on, wrap my hair up in the towel, and get out of the shower. I go to put my sweater back on, but stop when I hear footsteps.
"Sev? Why are you up so late?" Evan's voice calls out quietly.
My breath hitches, "Evan! You startled me! I couldn't sleep, so I came in here to take a shower. What are you doing?" I say, trying to keep my voice down. I don't want to wake anybody else up.
"I couldn't sleep either, and I noticed you get up and leave. I figured if neither of us can sleep, why not hang out together, right?" he says quietly, walking closer. He is wearing one of his thin gray t-shirts. It is just tight enough to see his muscles through.
I can feel myself blush, and I look away, "I guess. Why don't you take a shower? That always helps me when I feel tired! Anyways, I'm going to go back to bed now!" I fumble with my towel as I take it off my head, set it down, and grab my sweater, holding it by my waist. I wish he would stop walking towards me and look away.
Evan looks me up and down, and says, "You've been eating less again, haven't you?"
"No! Maybe. I dunno. I've just been busy," I sigh, "I'm sorry that I'm naturally ugly, but here we are."
"No, that's not what I was saying! I'm just worried about you, that's all. I don't want you to get sick!" he's close enough to touch me, and I can't help but look into his face, "And besides, I don't think you're ugly at all."
My heart is pounding in my chest. The goosebumps on my arms aren't from the cold, and the room feels warm and misty from the hot water, "What do you think of me, then?" I whisper, looking up at him and remembering how he put his arm around me by the fire.
"I think you're perfect," he whispers back, and suddenly his lips are on mine and his hands are all over, tangling in my hair and running down my back, and then—
"No," I gasp, pulling away, "we shouldn't be doing this. This is wrong."
"But— but, Sev," Evan teeters on the verge of saying something, but then he sighs, and, running his hand through his hair, he murmurs, "No, you're right, like always. I'm sorry."
"No, it's my fault. Let's just go to bed, okay?"
"Okay."
"Oh! By the way— did you want your sweater back? Sorry I keep forgetting to give it back to you!"
Evan looks at me sadly, then says, "You keep it. I told you, I want you to have it."
Unsure of how to answer, I smile shyly up at him, and he pulls me into a tight hug. He holds me for a minute, then slowly lets go. Looking at the floor, I ask, "You want a towel or something to hold?"
"Nah, nobody's out anyways," Evan grins embarrassedly, "and if they are out at this time of the night, then it's not my fault what they see."
I pull my sweater on, thankful that it's extra long on me, and we head back to our dorm. While before, I was relaxed from my shower, now my mind is buzzing with questions. Once I'm back in bed, I roll over to look at Evan. He is lying on his back with his covers bunched up around his hips and his hands clasped behind his head. I can tell that he is not asleep, either. I feel my heart-beat quicken as I remember how Evan's hands felt on my body— so different from how it felt when Yaxley or Dolohov were touching me. Evan was gentle, loving, and passionate, not cold and demanding. I can't imagine anybody could possibly think I was perfect, and I'm angry at myself for feeling the way I do. I shouldn't feel this way about my friend. I should feel this way about a girl, not Evan. I hope he doesn't tell anybody about what happened. In fact, maybe it didn't even happen at all— maybe it was just some weird, crazy dream I had! There's nothing between us. Nothing at all.