When the day comes for my checkup, Healer Smithwick says my head is looking much better, and that I don't need to come back for another checkup next year, unless something happens to it again. She isn't so happy about my weight, though. I'm 5 foot 3, and weigh 90 pounds. Now that I'm old enough that a parent or guardian is no longer required to be in the room with me, I find it easier to talk to Healer Smithwick about my weight.
"Lambie, you are only four pounds heavier than when you left with Mr. Malfoy last summer after promising to eat, and you're taller now than you were then. I know Mr. Malfoy has food for you to eat, and I know Hogwarts feeds you well. You're thin enough I could admit you right now, but I want to hear what you have to say first. What's going on?" she asks quietly.
"My stomach hurts when I eat," I lie.
"Honey, there's nothing wrong with your stomach. Madame Pomfrey ruled that out last September. What's really going on?"
I kick my feet while I think about my answer. She waits for me to speak. Finally, I mumble, "I'm nervous to eat a lot, especially at the manor."
"Is there a place that doesn't make you nervous?"
"I don't feel as nervous at school when I'm with my friends."
"That's good! What do your friends do that makes it so that you aren't nervous?"
"They don't pressure me to eat. Evan will remind me to eat if I haven't eaten anything, and he always helps me calm down if I'm nervous, but he doesn't sit there and pick at me."
"I'm glad you have friends at school. Do you remember how lonely you used to be, and how you worried you were that you wouldn't make friends at school? I told you you'd make friends there, didn't I?" Healer Smithwick smiles, then asks, "I noticed you said that your friends don't pressure you to eat. What does it look like when you're pressured to eat more than you want?"
"He— I'm told I can't leave the table till I've eaten at least half of my food, or all of my food, or have taken a certain number of bites of food, and I can't eat in between meals if I don't finish everything on my plate. And if I take too long cutting up my food or eating, he gets frustrated with me," I say.
"How does that make you feel?"
I think about it for a second, then say, "Nervous and angry. I don't want him to be mad at me, but I also don't need to always be told what to do!"
Healer Smithwick smiles, and says, "Of course not, lambie! You're almost an adult, after all! You're right that you don't always need to be told what to do. When I was a teenager, I was always angry with my mum because she was always telling me what to do, but now I realize she was just looking out for me. She wanted to make sure I was safe, healthy, and making good choices. Is there anybody at Malfoy Manor who doesn't make you feel nervous when you're eating?"
"Narcissa. She lets me eat what I want, and she lets me bake with her, too."
"That's good! She's lovely— always says hello to me when she's here, and all the children here like her," she smiles, "Try to have meals with her when you can, alright? And I know it's hard, but try not to get frustrated when people ask you to eat. They just want you to be healthy."
I nod. She doesn't understand, but it's alright. Everything is fine.
For a few seconds, neither of us speaks, then she says, "So? How's your friend Lily? If I remember correctly, last summer you said she was thinking of quitting Potion's Club so that she could focus more on other subjects?"
"We're not friends anymore, and yeah, she did quit. She stopped coming after O.W.L's," I say, looking across the room at a poster on the wall advertising exercise and healthy eating.
"Oh, sweetie! What happened? You two were so close! Healer Moloney and I even had a bet to see which one of you would ask the other out one day!"
"I guess we sort of grew apart. She did some things I didn't like, and I said some things I shouldn't have said. And we were only ever just friends. At least, I only ever saw her as a friend."
"I'm so sorry to hear that! She was such a sweet girl! I always thought she liked you a little more than just as a friend, but I suppose it wasn't meant to be. You'll find somebody you like, don't worry!" she consoles.
"I guess," I say with a small smile, trying to look as though she made me feel better, "Am I good to go?"
Healer Smithwick sighs, and says, "I suppose so. Try to eat with Narcissa when you can, and make sure you eat when you get to school. You are almost 17 years old. You've got to start making healthier choices for yourself. Do you understand?"
"Yes, ma'am. Please don't tell Lucius how bad my weight is."
Healer Smithwick pauses, then nods, and says, "Alright, I won't tell him, but you need to make sure you eat. I don't want to see you back here for organ failure or because your heart's decided to stop beating. Next time I see you back here it had better be because you've got a job in the lab or because you're coming to say hello!"
I smile, and nod my head. We leave the room and head out to the lobby.
As we walk up, Lucius looks up from his paper, and asks, "How's he doing? Everything look alright?"
"Yes, sir! His head's looking fine!" Healer Smithwick smiles.
"And his weight?"
"He could stand to put on a few pounds."
"He's awfully bony. Are you sure he just needs to gain a few pounds?" Lucius frowns.
Healer Smithwick glances at me, and says, "He definitely has some weight to gain, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. I think worrying about it has him feeling a bit nervous, and I've found it's easier for patients to eat when they don't feel pressured to eat more than they're able to. For example, his stomach is pretty small since he's not used to eating big portions, so snacking in between meals would be a good idea."
Lucius smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes, "Of course," he says.
When we get back to the manor, Lucius has me set up the chess board. About halfway through our game, he says, "I don't care what Healer Smithwick says, you're not eating between meals unless you finish your food. I'm not going to let you fill up on snacks so that you can take three bites of your food and say you're full."
I don't respond. I guess I'm just not going to eat at the manor. At least I'll be going back to school soon. Evan and I started making each other's plates up before we left for summer break, since he noticed I was never taking enough food, so maybe we'll be able to do that again when we get back to school. I don't want to die of organ failure, and I don't want my heart to stop beating, and I want to grow, but not too much. I don't want to get big, then nobody will pay attention to me anymore. And anyways, I feel like how much I eat is the only thing I have control over in my life now. It's funny, really. I used to never have control over how much I ate, since there was never any food at home. I used to eat second helpings whenever I could because I was always starving. I used to steal food from the Great Hall to bring home. I wish I could be like that still, but I guess this is just how it is now. I have a lot I should be grateful for, and I can eat when I get to school.
On the day of Slytherin quidditch team tryouts, we all wake up early. Evan is Keeper and team captain. Joseph is trying out again, so John, Clarence, and I all go out to the stands to watch and support our friends. I always really enjoy watching Evan play— he's so good at everything he does! Tryouts seem to go well, as far as I can tell, but there's one girl that always stands right next to Evan any time she can whenever they all land.
Irked, I nudge Clarence and ask him, "Hey, isn't that girl with the two braids Katherine Greengrass?"
"Yeah! She's a fourth-year. We've hung out a few times when our parents have had dinner parties. She and Evan are expected to get together."
"What?!" I exclaim, voice cracking.
John snickers, "You two talking about Greengrass? She's something else!"
"Yeah," I say with a weak smile, "she's a good flyer!" The smile melts off my face as she makes a goal and Evan shoots her a smile. The flyers land, and Greengrass lands right next to Evan, and I ask Clarence, "Who're you s'posed to end up with?"
"Elizabeth Fawley, but she's a first-year, so I still have some time to mess around," Clarence murmurs as Evan dismisses a few of the younger students, "I'll hang out with her and get to know her this year, but I'm not asking a first-year out. That'd be so gross."
"Yeah, that'd be weird," I say, thinking of how Yaxley and Dolohov always want to spend time with me over the summer at the manor. But I'm a boy, so it's different, I guess. And I'm sure they're not actually attracted to me. Yaxley's even engaged!
"I'm surprised Evan's never made an attempt to hang out with Katherine, to be honest. I'd think he'd want to get to know her since he's supposed to get married to her, you know? And she's old enough he could definitely ask her out, though his family's pretty religious, so maybe he's waiting till they're both out of school," Clarence muses.
"I dunno, maybe. Still, it's a bit weird. Maybe he likes somebody else! Has he ever told you, Severus?" John asks me.
"Mm mm," I shake my head. Evan never told me he was expected to marry Katherine Greengrass.
"What about you? You like anybody?" Clarence asks me.
"I dunno, I've just been focused on studying. Last year was a little rough for me, so I'm trying to make this year good," I murmur, still watching Evan.
"Yeah, that's true. But you still always got good grades last year! Why not loosen up a bit? I'm sure there are plenty of girls who want a short, skinny guy like you!" Clarence laughs, "What about Sarah Moore? She's tiny, too!"
"Yeah, I think she's even shorter than you are, Severus!" John says.
Thinking of what Potter did to me after O.W.L's last school year, I shake my head, "Nobody would want to go out with me."
"If you say so," Clarence shrugs, then turns to John. While they talk about girls they fancy, girls they've gone out with, and girls they've kissed, I lose myself in thought, watching tryouts and wondering if Evan ever really thought I was perfect, or if he was just curious and wanted to know if I would kiss him back. He was probably just horny and wanted to mess around. I'm just a poor, ugly half-blood, anyways. Nobody could really love me. I guess being useful is all I'm good for, but it's alright. Everything is fine.
When tryouts are over, we go down to greet Evan and Joseph and walk back to the castle. When Evan sees me, he runs up and hugs me tight. I pull away quickly, hugging myself and looking down.
"I'm so glad you all could make it! I was nervous, but I think I've got a good team. I just need to talk to Joseph tonight, then I think I can finalize my picks for the team!" he grins, looking at Clarence, John, and me.
"Good!" exclaims John "It looked like you were pretty thorough, so I'm sure you'll put together a good team."
Clarence grins, nudges Evan, and whispers, "So? What do you think about Katherine? She seemed very interested in being close to you!"
Evan runs his hand through his hair, glances at me, and starts walking, saying, "She's a good chaser, that's for sure! I know I should be getting to know her more, but I've just been busy, you know?"
Joseph laughs, "Well, she certainly wants to get to know you! She was following you around like a lost puppy!"
Evan lets out a hollow laugh, "I suppose so! I must have just been too focused on tryouts to notice!"
John and Clarence exchange quick looks behind Evan's back.
Evan ruffles my hair as we walk, and murmurs, "You cold?"
I nod, still looking at the ground.
Evan takes his Keeper's helmet off and plops it onto my head.
"Get that off me!" I exclaim angrily.
Evan pulls the helmet back off my head and puts it under his right arm, "Merlin, what's gotten into you? Have Potter and Black been messing with you again?"
I just shrug, shove my hands into my pockets, and fall back to walk with Clarence and John.
Later that night, after we've eaten supper and settled down in our dorm, we gather around Joseph's bed, facing Evan. I sit on the floor, hugging my knees to my chest. Joseph and Clarence sit on the bed, and John sits on Joseph's trunk. After talking for a while about Evan's choices for the team, Evan is confident about who he's chosen, and writes down their names and positions to post on the notice board in the common room. When he gets up to go to the common room, he looks expectantly at me, and when I don't make any move to get up, he leaves.
A few days later, as we're on our way back to the common room after serving a detention for fighting with Potter and Black, Evan asks me to step into the old, abandoned classroom next to the lab with him. When we get inside, Evan locks the door, and casts a silencing charm over the room.
"Is everything okay?" I ask, suddenly nervous. I'm cold, and beginning to shiver, "Why did you bring me here?"
"You've been acting differently since tryouts. What's going on? Why are you mad at me? You've hardly been talking to me at all!"
"It doesn't matter," I mumble.
Evan's silent for a minute, then says quietly, "Is it because of Katherine?"
"Why didn't you tell me you were supposed to marry her?" I ask sadly.
"I didn't want to think about it," he mumbles, "I know I'm expected to marry her someday, but I haven't wanted to think about it yet."
"Oh yeah? Then why did you kiss me last year if you've got a girl you're s'posed to marry?!" My voice is getting louder, but I don't care, "Why did you hold me every night after Lucius' wedding, like we were some sort of couple?! Why did you say you thought I was perfect?! Just to fuck with me?! Was I just practice for when you get together with her?!"
"No! I— I just— ," Evan splutters, running a hand through his hair and looking awkwardly at the old blackboard.
"Did you just wanna experiment, and I was convenient?!" I yell, "I'M NOT A WHORE!" I'm surprised to find that my eyes are blurring from tears. I wipe my eyes angrily, and walk to the door.
Evan grabs my wrist, and pulls me back, exclaiming, "Listen, Sev! Don't go! I can explain!"
"Fine," I snarl, yanking my wrist out of his grasp,"but it'd better be a good explanation."
"First of all, I know you're not a whore. I don't know why you would say that. Second of all, I thought it would have been obvious to you. I like you! How could you not know that?!"
"'Cause you're s'posed to get married to Greengrass!"
"I know I'm supposed to, but I don't want to! I want to be with you!" Evan pleads, and for the first time, he looks desperate, "And I'm scared of how I feel! Everybody says it's wrong, and disgusting to feel like this, and my parents are always saying how men who are like this are going to hell, and how they deserve to get sick and die, and I'm scared!"
I take a deep breath, and wrap my arms around him, squeezing him tight, "Thank you for telling me how you feel."
"Do you think I'm disgusting for feeling this way?" Evan chokes.
I shake my head, and gathering up all my courage, I pull his head down and kiss him, "Does that answer your question?" I say quietly.
Evan looks as if Christmas has come early, and in response, he tangles his fingers in my hair and kisses me back.
When we finally break apart, I say, "Nobody can know."
"I know," Evan murmurs, stroking my cheek.
I lean my head on his chest, and ask, "What if they find out?"
"Who? Potter and Black?" Evan asks quietly.
I nod, "I don't need to give them another reason to pick on me."
"Nobody's going to know," Evan says, wrapping me back up in his arms and rubbing my back, "I wish the professors would do something to stop them. I'm still angry at what happened after O.W.L's. I should have been there to protect you."
"I don't need protection, they just caught me off guard is all," I mutter.
"But still, I should've been there. As soon as we got done with our tests, we all grouped back up and noticed you were missing, so we started looking for you, but we were too late."
I shake my head, "No, it's my fault. I shouldn't have gone off on my own. They only pick on me like that when I'm alone and when it's the two of them together."
"And then when you fight back and hurt one of them, you're the bad guy."
I nod.
Evan's arms tighten around me.
"And the professors say the magic I use is bad, but then Potter and Black use my own spells against me, and that's okay! I hate it, Evan! I don't understand why everybody always takes their side!"
"I know. I don't understand either," Evan murmurs, and lets go of me, "But it's not all bad, right? I'm here for you!"
I smile, and say, "I know."
Evan gives me a kiss, and grins, "You sure you don't want to do more than just kiss tonight?"
"We shouldn't. We should wait."
"I understand. I'll wait for you, Sev. It makes me feel better knowing you feel the same way, though." Evan opens the door to the hallway, but suddenly stops and puts a hand over my mouth as we go to step out. Out of my right ear, I can hear footsteps, as if somebody is trying to steady themselves. We stand like that for a minute, then, hearing nothing else, we close the door and tiptoe back to the common room.
When we get inside, I whisper, "What was that? It sounded like another student!"
"I don't know, but it was weird. It sounded like it was close to us, but I didn't see anything!"
"Maybe a ghost? But they don't make any noise! It definitely wasn't a cat or anything like that!"
"I don't know," Evan frowns, "And honestly, I don't want to find out. Let's just go to bed."
I agree, and we head back to our dorm. I just can't brush off the feeling that the person behind the footsteps we heard was Potter. I can't imagine anybody else who would be lurking around trying to snoop on me, but how could it be? We didn't see anybody there! Maybe he followed us from our detention? Then Black was probably there, too! But how could it be them? We didn't see anything! Maybe one of these days I'll catch them at it, but even if I did, nobody would listen to me. It's better to just keep my eyes and ears open and watch my back. Potter's already taken away my first and best friend, I don't need him to ruin Hogwarts for me any more than he already has.
We quickly change and get ready for bed, but once the lights are off and I'm in bed, I have a hard time falling asleep. I want to fall asleep with Evan's arms around me again. Those few nights after Lucius' wedding were so nice— like a good dream. I miss taking a nice, warm shower, putting on my sweatpants and one of Evan's sweaters, and getting into his bed at night. I miss letting him wrap me up in his arms and hold me all night. Even though it was only for a few days, it was nice not having to go to sleep alone. Maybe someday we'll be able to fall asleep like that again. Maybe we can spend Easter break here again, then we'll have lots of time together! I turn around in my bed to look at Evan. He's lying on his back looking at the ceiling. I wish I could go to him, and I silently berate myself for ever believing that none of it meant anything.