I wake to Evan gently shaking my shoulder. Yawning, I sit up and look around. Out of my right ear, I hear movement from the dormitories. Looking around, I see Joseph emerging from our dorm room. Grinning, he walks over to us. His eyes travel from the closed books on the coffee table, to Evan's uncharacteristically messy hair, and finally to the hickeys on my neck.
"You two get some good studying done?" he sneers.
Evan blushes, and runs his fingers through his hair.
"Sure did!" I respond, smiling, "I think I'm really ready for our exam in, uh—" I glance at one of the books on the coffee table, "Third-Year Transfiguration!"
Evan and Joseph laugh, and Joseph tosses the book at me.
I dodge it, and it hits the floor behind the couch, "Hey! I'm gonna report you for assault!" I laugh.
"You go for it, little guy. Anyways, don't forget we have a game today! Remember we're playing Gryffindor, and I for one can't wait to knock Potter off his broom. You'll be there, right, Severus?" Joseph asks.
"Of course! I've been looking forward to watching you clobber him for weeks, the stupid, arrogant piece of shit," I grumble. Once Clarence and John join us, we head down to breakfast.
When we get to the Great Hall for breakfast, I don't even bother trying to cover up my neck. When I see Potter and Black, I toss my hair back and smirk at them, remembering Potter's words: "I'm pretty sure that nobody is into sneaky, skinny, nasty little gremlins like you." I flinch as Evan puts a hand on my back, and look over my right shoulder at him.
"You want to make a bet?" he says, grinning naughtily and ladling porridge into a bowl and putting it on my plate.
"On what?" I ask inquisitively.
"The game today!"
"Maybe. What are the terms?"
Evan smiles, "If Gryffindor wins, then next time we go to Hogsmeade, I'll buy you drinks. If Slytherin wins, then you can buy me drinks. I know you have a bit of money saved up from selling your poisons over the summers, right?"
"If Gryffindor wins, you can buy me drinks, but don't you want more of an incentive to help us win?"
"Potentially— what did you have in mind?"
Leaning towards him, I whisper in his ear, "Whatever you want. Anything come to mind?" I pause for a moment to give him time to think, and smirk as his face turns brick red, "Anything at all?"
Evan fidgets in his seat, and looks at his plate.
When he doesn't say anything, I shrug my shoulders, "Okay, have it your way then. Drinks it is!"
I inhale sharply as I feel his hand on my thigh, "If we win, take a shower, and then I'll tell you what I want," he whispers.
This time, it's my turn to blush. My lips twist into a small smile, and I grab a few pieces of bacon, two hard-boiled eggs, and an apple and put them on his plate, "You need to eat, then! You can't win a quidditch game on an empty stomach!" I say, playfully swatting his hand away from my leg.
He laughs, and takes a big bite of bacon. While my friends eat, I pick at my porridge, trying to gather the courage to finish the entire bowl.
While we're eating, Regulus comes walking over and taps me on the shoulder, "Hey, Sev?"
"Mmm?" I mumble through a mouthful of porridge.
"If we win tonight, do you want to be on my team for Butterbeer pong?"
"Maybe," I say, glancing at Evan, "I've already got plans I think, but I might have time for a short game! You know my depth perception is terrible, though, right, Reg? I'd be useless!"
"Yeah, but it'd be fun! Evan, you could play with us, too!" he says excitedly.
Evan scoffs through his bacon, and says, "I don't know, mate, Sev and I have some big plans for tonight, but I'm happy to play a short game with you first if he is. Especially if you catch the snitch! And even more if you can knock Potter off his broom while catching it!"
"I'll do my best!" Regulus laughs, "See you at the pitch, Evan! See you at the game, Sev!"
"See you there!" I laugh.
Evan is on top of his game today, and blocks every single attempt at a goal. To my great joy, during the game, Joseph does, indeed, succeed in clobbering Potter with a bludger. When the bludger collides with Potter's side, it sends his broom spinning to the other end of the pitch, giving Regulus time to catch the snitch and secure a victory for Slytherin.
When we all get back to the common-room, I take a quick shower. Once I'm out, I dry off and get dressed away from the mirror. If I look at myself, I know I won't feel confident anymore. I put on a gray t-shirt, Evan's big, comfy dark green zip-up hoodie, my black jeans, and the white canvas sneakers I bought myself with some of the money I earned selling potions. I flip my head over, comb out my damp hair with my fingers, put it into a high ponytail, and loop it through into a bun so it doesn't hang on my neck. Hearing footsteps, I turn towards the door as Evan walks in, "Hey! You did so good in the game today!"
"Thanks! So about that bet…" he grins. His face is still sweaty from the game, and his shirt is soaked.
"Take a shower and then we can talk! You're sweaty and gross!" I laugh, pushing him away and turning around. He catches my wrist as I walk away.
Looking towards the door, he leans in and whispers, "You said if we won, I could have whatever I wanted, right?"
"I'm pretty sure that's what I said. Why?"
"After we play one round of Butterbeer pong with Regulus, I want you to come to that empty classroom behind the potions labs with me. I'll bring what we need."
I can feel my heartbeat speed up, and I smile shyly up at him.
"Yes, sir!" I tease, pulling my hand away and walking towards the door, "Whatever you want!"
When I get back to the common room from my shower, I help Clarence, John, Morgan, and a few other girls from our year set up for the party. John went to the kitchens to get food while I was showering, so Morgan and I help him set up the food table. As I'm messing with the chips and punch, Evan leaves the bathrooms. His hair is still wet, and I can feel myself blush as I notice that he hasn't shaved today. I shake my head, take a deep breath, clear my mind, and try to focus on what I'm doing. I look up to see Morgan looking at me.
"What?" I ask, perplexed.
"Oh, nothing, just thinking," she responds, "Evan's a nice guy, don't you think?"
My stomach flip-flops, and I say, "Yeah. He's a good friend."
"And Joseph? I feel like maybe it's time for me to give up on leading him on, don't you think?"
"You finally tired of playing with him?" I laugh.
"Yeah, I think I've had my fun!" she smiles, and continues working on the table.
Later on, once everything is set up and the party has started, Regulus and I play Butterbeer pong against Evan and Rabastan. I'm not good at Butterbeer pong, and neither is Rabastan, so we're a pretty evenly matched team. I end up having such a good time that I even let myself eat a few chips and have a bit of Firewhiskey. After our game, I hand my glass of Firewhiskey to Evan.
"What's this for?" he asks, perplexed.
"I can't finish it. You can have it."
"Oh, okay! Thanks!" he smiles and chugs the rest of my Firewhiskey, "Do you think you'll want more tonight?"
"Probably not," I say, thinking of how fat I'll look if I have anything else to eat or drink tonight besides water.
"Okay! Well, are you ready?" he grins.
"I told you, it's whatever you want," I whisper, looking up at him and meeting his eyes.
"Are you sure?"
I sigh and run my hands through my hair. I'm not used to making choices for myself, and I'm getting a bit frustrated, "Why would I say that unless I meant it?"
"Merlin, okay! I just wanted to make sure!" he laughs, then, grabbing my waist again and pulling me close, he whispers in my right ear, "I'm just saying, it's not every day the Slytherin Quidditch Captain wants to fuck you. Or maybe it is!"
I can feel myself go red, and Evan snickers.
"Oh mighty Lord and Captain Rosier, thank you for reminding me of my place," I mock, pulling away and bowing deeply to him, "I am so deeply honored that somebody so powerful such as yourself could possibly take interest in somebody so lowly and pathetic as me! I grovel at your feet!"
"Stop that!" he laughs, pulling me into a hug, "And don't say such mean things about yourself! I mean it! Remember what I told you earlier? Or do I have to remind you?"
"Hmm, I must have forgotten!" I smile, "I think you're going to have to remind me after all!"
Evan chuckles, and lets me go, whispering, "Well then, I think we should go ahead and get started now! I believe I have a lesson to teach you about self-esteem, you silly… silly… what is it that you say?"
"Silly goose," I murmur, remembering smiling and laughing with Lily what seems like a lifetime ago.
"Silly goose! That's right!" he laughs, grabs my hand, and pulls me through the common room towards the door.
"Oi! Where are you two going?" Joseph calls out.
"I forgot— I have a potion simmering in the lab!" I yell.
He grins, and yells back, "Right. Have fun with that! Evan, don't get in his way!"
"I won't!" Evan laughs.
When we get to the empty classroom, Evan locks the door behind us, casts a silencing charm on the room, and walks slowly up to me. Suddenly extremely self-conscious, I hug my arms across my chest, look down at the floor, and shuffle my feet. Now that we're alone together, I just want to curl up and hide. I don't deserve this attention— I'm ugly and stupid, and there's no reason that pureblood nobility like Evan should want to be with me.
"Hey," Evan murmurs, tipping my chin up with his fingers, "what did I tell you? You're not allowed to think bad thoughts!"
"I'm not!" I mutter, not meeting his eyes.
"Yes you are. Sev?" he asks, gently turning me around and hugging me from behind as he rocks from side to side, "You know if you were actually ugly or stupid or anything you say you are, I wouldn't want you, right?"
I feel my eyes start to water up, and I blink rapidly, shaking my head.
"So are you saying that I'm stupid for wanting you? Or that I have bad taste? Because that's what it sounds like."
"No! You're amazing, and smart, and handsome, and and and and… and you could have anything you wanted! You're one of the Sacred Twenty-Eight pureblood families, Evan! You could have anybody you wanted!" I whine, wiggling around in his arms.
He smiles, and says, "But I want you, Sev! I want you!" and he tips my chin up to kiss me. As we stand there, he moves his hands down my torso, grabs my hips, and lifts me onto a desk. I drape my arms around his shoulders, and he smiles into my lips, "I want you so badly," he whispers, "I always have."
"Then take me," I breathe.
Evan tears his cloak off and throws it on the floor, pulls me off the desk and onto the floor, removes his own pants and then mine, then grabs a vial from his pants before tossing them onto the desk. Crawling between my legs, he pulls my shirt up and off, then gently wraps his fingers around my hair, and, pulling my head back, he trails kisses down from my mouth to the front of my neck where he gives me another hickey, "Do you wanna be on your back or on your knees or what?" he whispers, blushing.
"It's whatever you want," I murmur.
He grins, and says, "Okay, then stay on your back. I wanna be able to kiss you while we're doing it."
"Yes, sir," I tease, pulling his head down for another kiss.
After we're both spent, Evan pulls me down and holds me tight from behind, nuzzling his face into my neck. My head is buzzing, and my muscles don't seem to want to work.
"You're amazing, Sev," Evan mumbles, "Just amazing."
I smile, and wiggle in even closer to his warm body.
"So are you," I murmur, smiling happily.
The next morning, I wake up as Evan sits down on my bed.
"Good morning!" he says cheerfully. I groan, and roll over, covering my face with my pillow. As I roll over, I notice that I'm still a little sore from last night. I smile into my pillow, mentally going through the events of last night so I don't forget.
"What time is it?" I mumble.
"It's time for breakfast! I'm starving!" Evan exclaims.
I roll back over and sit up cross-legged, giving him a small smile, "You know what? I'm a little hungry, too."
On Monday evening while Clarence and Joseph are practicing their transfiguration and John and Evan are practicing their charms, I head to the potions lab to get started on a new potion I need to know for my Mastery exam at the end of the year. I always like working alone in the lab. The bubbling cauldron is peaceful, and there's nobody there to bother me. I can focus on my work and dissociate from the rest of the world. I set my things down, flip my head over, gather my hair into a ponytail, and loop the ends through into a bun. Satisfied that no hair is going to fall into my ingredients or my face while I am working, I begin setting out my knives and reading the recipe for today's potion, making notes as I go. I'm startled out of my thoughts as a Gryffindor sweater appears in front of my face. For a second, I imagine picking up my paring knife and driving it straight through the large letter G, but I push the impulse away and look up.
"Do you need something?" I sneer, raising one eyebrow and locking onto Potter's ugly brown eyes.
"Nice hickeys ya got there, Snivellous," he smirks, not breaking eye contact.
I can feel myself blush, and I look away, "Thanks," I mutter sarcastically.
"So?" he says, putting a tanned and calloused hand right next to my textbook. I grab my wand in my pocket, ready for a fight.
"So what?" I snarl, moving my textbook away from him.
"Who decided they were desperate enough to fuck you? Did you have to blindfold them? Or was it your sugar daddy? He was just here, wasn't he? We saw you leave the castle with him."
I take a deep breath and try to clear my mind. It doesn't work, so I take another deep breath, release my grip on my wand, grab my paring knife and a few rat tails, then slowly say, "I only have three things to say to you, and then you can fuck off. First, that's a low blow. I expect more creative insults from you than comments about my appearance. Second, that's disgusting, and you know it. I would never do that with Lucius. He took me to dinner and we walked around Hogsmeade. And third, if you want to be an auror like you say you do, maybe focus a little more on your studies and a little less on me."
"How did you know I wanted to be an auror?"
"Are you actually as stupid as you look? You sit over there every class period and loudly discuss your life with anybody who will listen. I'm not even listening, and I still know everything about your cocker spaniel that died last month, and how your dad wants you to take over the family business but you don't want to, and how you and Lily are moving in together after school. I know way more than I wish I knew about your life," I sneer, using my knife to point to the right side of the room where he and Lily always sit, "and besides, you've always fancied yourself a vigilante, haven't you? I just sort of figured that's the sort of bullshit job you'd want."
"So you think being an auror is a bullshit job, do you? Dark wizards catch themselves, do they?" Potter's smirk is gone from his face, and he looks a bit flushed.
"I wouldn't know," I say, sneering as I begin cutting my rat tails.
"No, Snape, I want to know. How would you deal with a dark wizard? Since you think aurors are so unnecessary, what would you do?"
Thinking of Dolohov, I say, "If somebody really nasty came after me, I'd let them lose just enough blood so that they couldn't fight back, then I'd snap their wand, tie them up, and let a poison do the rest. Guess I'd probably leave them somewhere, too, so it'd be out of my hands. You know, wear gloves or something so I don't leave fingerprints," I shrug, "I don't trust the Ministry or the Aurors with any business of mine, anyways."
"So you'd torture them and then commit murder?" he frowns, slowly walking behind me. I turn around, knife still in my hand, and he stops right in front of me.
"Not torture, just laziness. I don't want to have to bother fighting and risk losing. Better to let one spell," I point to his cheeks where the scars from my Sectumsempra spell are still pink, "do the work for me. And anyways, murder is legal if it's in self-defense, and if it's somebody really terrible, then they deserve the pain. If nobody ever catches you, then it's not your problem," I snarl, pointing the knife at his chest and imagining how lovely it would feel to stab him right where the ribs begin to separate, down by the diaphragm and at the bottom of the lungs. It would be so easy, too. With my other hand, I slowly wrap my fingers around my wand.
"You can put that knife down," Potter growls, going for his own wand.
I whip my own wand out, and wordlessly disarm him with a flick. His wand flies backwards and hits the wall, and I put the tip of my wand to his throat. Still pointing the knife at his chest, I snarl, "Back up and we can talk."
He doesn't move.
"One."
He glances at the knife. I smile darkly up at him and touch the tip of the knife to his sweater. It is so sharp that it forms a small hole in the fabric.
"Two."
He takes a step backwards.
"Keep going."
He frowns, and, eyes still fixed on my wand, grabs his own from the floor and walks back around to the other side of the table.
"Why'd you come in here anyways? Just to harass me?"
"No. You're gonna tell me what kinds of potions you're selling and who's buying them."
I laugh, and start cutting my rat tails again, "Still on that, are we?"
"Sure are. Come on, I'll even put my wand away! I'll play nice if you do! Promise!" he smiles mockingly, and makes a show of putting his wand back in his pocket.
"Potter, you really are pathetic. So pathetic that I'll even give you a little tip. If you want somebody to tell you their secrets, harassing them for years, telling them they're ugly, and insinuating that they're a gay whore is not the way. You need to get close enough to get them to trust you, rely on intimidation or torture, or slip them some veritaserum. As for me, I would never trust you even if you tried, and I won't let myself be intimidated or tortured into talking. I suppose your best bet would be veritaserum, but you'll never be good enough at potions to brew it, and you'll never get close enough to me to force me to take it if you bought some. Even if I was doing something illegal, which I'm not, I'd never let myself be caught by the likes of you," I sneer, putting my cut-up rat tails in their own small bowl and turning to face him again. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the door open. We both turn to see who's coming in, but I look back towards my ingredients when I see Lily's emerald green eyes.
"Lily!" Potter calls out. Lily smiles at him the same way she used to smile at me, and I take a deep breath, trying to focus on picking out what ingredient I want to prepare next.
"Hi, James! Severus! What are you two doing?" she says suspiciously.
"Having tea," I snarl, "Care to join us?" I motion sarcastically to a chair by my table.
Lily smiles, and then, as if realizing that she shouldn't be smiling at me anymore, she walks over to Potter and kisses him on the cheek. Potter smirks at me.
"But really. What are you doing? Remus said you were down here working on your essay for Advanced Potions, so I knew you must be up to no good!" Lily laughs.
Potter smiles, ruffles his hair, and says, "Congratulating Snape on finally getting a girlfriend!"
"Oh! You have a girlfriend? Who is she? I thought— well, nevermind," she says, going red.
"No, I don't have a girlfriend," I say through gritted teeth, grabbing the rest of my ingredients, "but thanks anyways."
"Sorry," she says, then smiling, she laughs jokingly, "Then was it a one night stand? I would never have expected it from you, Severus!"
My lips curl into a short smile, but then I remember that she's with Potter, and that we're not friends anymore. I set my ingredients on my table and sneer at her, "Well, I never expected you to be the sort of person to go out with, as you said, a pompous toe-rag, but here we are, I suppose. How much is he paying you to go out with him?"
She glares angrily back, and exclaims "You know I'm better than that! I would never hang around somebody horrible just because they gave me nice things, though you seem to have no problem with that sort of thing."
"That's different!" I snarl, "At least your family had enough money for clothes and food! If it wasn't for Lucius, I wouldn't have anything!"
"I told you over and over that you'd be welcome at my house!" her voice is getting louder, and that familiar spark seems to be back in her eyes, but I don't care. I'm not the same person I was two years ago. I don't want to apologize anymore. I don't care. She was the one who was wrong, not me! It's not my fault she got in the way!
"If I had hung out with you all the time, I would have lost all my other friends and everything!" I exclaim.
Potter is standing as if rooted to the spot, looking nervously back and forth between Lily and me.
"If your friends would leave you because you were hanging out with a muggle-born, then why would you want them in the first place?!"
"Would you want to be an outcast in your own common room? My own parents hated me! Why would I want the people I share a dorm with to hate me, too?! You don't understand! You never understood! You're— you're impossible! And you're one to talk about morals! You spent all those years telling me how much you hated him," I point my knife at Potter, "just to turn around and go out with him! I bet you're only doing it to piss me off, aren't you?!"
"What do you care who I go out with? We're not even friends anymore! You never even wanted to ask me out!" Lily's eyes are wet, but I don't care.
"I care because you always acted as if he was the shittiest person alive, but now you're kissing him in the corridors, and going to Hogsmeade with him, and moving in with him after school!"
"People change! You should know that better than anybody with the way you act!"
"Not him! He's a horrible person, and you're two-faced for staying with him!"
She grabs her wand and whips it out of her pocket, "You're the most two-faced person I know, Severus! You pretend to be naïve, but I know you! You're just as mean and rotten as the rest of them!" Tears are streaming down her face.
"You take that back!" I snarl, and point my wand at her heart, "Don't you dare talk about my friends that way!"
Potter steps in front of Lily, drawing his wand and pointing it at me. She pushes him out of the way, exclaiming, "You stay out of this!" then, pointing her wand back at me, she shouts, "I won't take it back! I know you never defended me or any other muggleborn around your friends!"
"Why would I? Would you want to be all alone in your own house? You're being stupid!"
"I would have done what's right!"
"That's easy for you to say! You've always had friends! Everybody likes you! I never had anybody growing up except you! Why would I throw away the one chance I had at getting more friends? And besides, you're not poor like me! They're my only way out! Like I said, I wouldn't have anything if it wasn't for Lucius!"
She takes a deep breath and lowers her wand. I do the same.
"Fine," she says shakily, "I see we're never going to see eye to eye."
"I don't get it," I mutter, "I don't understand why you can't see it from my point of view. You've always had a good family and friends. I've never had anything."
"You had me. We were supposed to be best friends. Always."
For a moment, I feel a weight of remorse, but then, something inside me pushes it down, "I guess people change, don't they?"
"I guess so. I hope you're proud of what you've become, Severus."
Out of the corner of my eye, I see movement by the door. I glance over for a split second, and to my surprise, Evan comes striding into the room. "What's going on in here?" he says in his quiet, but commanding tone, eyebrows raised, looking from me, to Potter and Lily, and then back to me.
I take a deep breath, and, looking back at Lily, I say, "Nothing, really. They were just leaving, weren't you?"
Potter looks for a moment as if he wants to say something, then he pockets his wand and puts his arm around Lily's shoulder, "Yup, we sure were! Nice chat, Snivellous! I hope you and whatever rich psychopath you're whoring yourself out to have a lovely time!"
I raise my wand again, but Evan grabs my wrist.
"Don't— just ignore him. He's just trying to bait you," Evan murmurs.
Enraged, humiliated, and overwhelmed, I rip my arm away from his grasp, and snarl, "Don't touch me!"
Evan puts his hands up and backs away, "I'm not. I'm sorry. I should have known better. You're okay, Sev, take a deep breath, remember?"
I take a deep breath and hug my arms around my chest. Evan leans against the wall and looks at my cauldron. After a minute or so when I feel more calm, I walk back over to Evan and give him a hug.
"Thank you," I whisper into his chest. He holds me tight, and lightly kisses the top of my head.
"He's awful," Evan says quietly.
I nod, "He's always been like that to me."
"Didn't that girl used to be your friend?"
"No."
"Oh. Sorry."
"It's fine," I say, pulling away from him and not meeting his eyes, "Are you done studying with John?"
"Yep! You want any help?"
"Nah, I mean, yeah, but in the exam I have to do it all myself, so I shouldn't practice with help. You can keep me company, though!" I say, walking back over to my table.
As I work, Evan sits and reads. Once in a while, he comes up to hug me and watch what I'm doing. When I'm done, I bottle up the potion and Evan helps me clean up my space. As we leave the lab to go back to the common room, I remember that my hair is still up. I go to take it down, then I glance up at Evan. He smiles reassuringly, and I leave my hair up.