October 5th, 1978

"You sure you're of age?" the bartender asks skeptically, looking up and down my emaciated body.
"Of course I'm sure! Just gimme somethin'. Please," I growl as I throw myself onto a barstool. It's late— not too many people are left in the bar my father so often frequented when he was still alive. From under the bar, I covertly aim my wand at the bartender and swish.
His eyes slide in and out of focus, and he says, "Of course! What was I sayin'? What d'you want?"
"I dunno, I guess I'll have some whiskey or somethin'. Just shots. I don't care. Bottom shelf, whatever's cheapest," I say, resting my head in my hands. I had always promised myself that I would never drink like my dad, but then I always promised myself I would never lose my best friend, too. Especially not to James Potter. As I drink, the conversation I had with Remus Lupin while I was at work today plays over and over in my head.

"Severus! How are you doing?" he asks, bringing his potions up to the counter.
"I'm fine. Will this be all for you today?" I snap. I'm not exactly thrilled to see him.
"Yes! Are you the one who makes the potions here?"
"Sure am. Your total's gonna be four sickles. It looks like you've got points, though. You wanna use any? You can get one sickle off."
"Not today, thanks, I'll save them for next time. The potions have gotten much stronger since you started working here. It helps a lot," he smiles.
"Thanks," I grunt, putting his money into the register. I wish he would leave. I have things I could be doing.
"You know, Lily got married yesterday," he says, looking at his potions.
"Oh yeah? To whom?" I ask, hoping against hope that it's not who I think it is.
"James."
I feel like the breath has gone out of my body, "Lovely," I snarl.
"Do you want me to let her know you send congratulations, or something?"
"No. Absolutely not. I don't know why she ever started going out with him in the first place. Honestly, it was probably just to be petty. Dunno why she stayed with him, though. Why'd you tell me, anyways?" I ask, frustrated.
Lupin shrugs, and says, "I remember you two used to be friends. I figured you might want to know, and I needed to get my potions. I was wrong. I'm sorry."
I take a deep breath, and say, "No, it's fine. It doesn't matter, anyways. We haven't been friends for a long time. The Lily I knew would never do something like that, but I guess I never really knew her like I thought I did."
"That's funny. She said something similar about you the other day," a small smile plays around his lips.
"What do you mean?" I snap.
"Oh, nothing really. Have a good day, Severus," he says, turning around, and walks away.
I don't respond. Suddenly, I feel very cold. I rub my arms, and I wonder what it was Lily was saying about me.

Drink after drink, I lose count, my head is spinning. I rest my head in my hands, then throw back the next shot. I can't even taste them anymore, I just want to be numb— to forget.
"You alright there?" the bartender asks, wiping a glass with an old rag.
I lift my weary head from my hands and look at him through bleary eyes, "Mm hmm, 'm fine. E'rethin's fine."
"I'm cuttin' you off, alright? You're done," he says, shaking his head.
I don't respond. I'm too hot, so I take off my sweater and push up my sleeves.
"That's an interestin' tattoo you got there," the bartender grunts, nodding at my left arm.
"I hate it," I mumble, looking away, "I didn't wan' it, anyways."
"Why'd you get it, then? D'you lose a bet, or somethin'?" he grins.
"Nah," I shake my head, "Lucius told me to make the right choice, or somethin', an' he said— well, it don't matter anymore."
"Here," he says gruffly, handing me a glass of water, "Drink this. You gon' sober up a lil before you go on home. You know your way alright?"
"Mm hmm," I mumble, "But I dunno where to go. I dunno should I go back to Lucius or should I go home?"
"Which is closest?"
"Home."
"Then you'd better go home. You gon' be alone tonight, or is anybody there?"
"Ain't nobody ever been there when I needed 'em," I laugh, and bury my face back in my hands, "Nah, ain't nobody there."
"Alright, then. I reckon you can just stay here for a bit till you sober up. You got the money to pay me tonight, right?"
I nod, and take out my dad's old billfold that I took from his bedside table before coming here, "There ought'a be enough in here," I say, and hand him the whole billfold.
He looks through it, pulls out the cash he needs, and chuckles, "Lucky for you, it don't take much to get you drunk."
I take the billfold back and sip my water for a little while, then stumble back to my house on Spinner's End.

I struggle to unlock the door. The key doesn't seem to want to go into the key hole, and once it's in, I can't figure out which way to turn it. Once I finally make it inside and close the door, I turn to walk to the couch, but once I turn on the light, I see that somebody's already sitting there.
"Lucius! What're you doin' here?!" I exclaim.
Lucius jolts awake, then says, "You never came back to the manor after work, so I came looking for you here! I've been waiting for you for hours! Where have you been?! "
"Nowhere! I been walkin' around town, that's all!"
"Don't lie to me," Lucius growls, standing up, "Get over here."
I shake my head, and begin backing up.
"Where have you been, Severus?" he asks again, walking towards me.
"Nowhere!"
Lucius grabs the front of my shirt and pulls me into the middle of the room, "Do you think I'm stupid?! I can smell the alcohol from here! Where have you been?!"
I shake my head, tears welling up in my eyes.
"I ASKED YOU A QUESTION, AND I EXPECT AN ANSWER!" Lucius bellows, backhanding me across my face.
I stagger, and fall to the floor.
"WELL?!"
"Stop!" I sob, "I was at the bar, I'm sorry!"
"What were you doing there?!" he yells, "If you had been caught drinking at a muggle bar, you would have been dead! LISTEN TO ME!" he grabs my arm and shakes me, "You're so STUPID, Severus! Why are you so STUPID?!" and he hits me again in the same spot on my cheek, determined to make me see the error of my ways, "Get up! We're going back home."
Sobbing, I allow myself to be hauled up. Lucius locks the door, and turns on the spot, still holding on tight to my arm.

When we get to the manor, I stagger into the bathroom and begin throwing up. Lucius rubs my back and holds my hair for me as I vomit. His anger, it seems, has been replaced with worry.
"What were you thinking?" he asks, wiping the tears from my eyes.
"I dunno," I mumble.
"Here," Lucius says as he hands me a glass of water, "wash your mouth out and come with me."
After rinsing out my mouth, I chug the remaining water. I set the glass down and turn to follow Lucius. I stumble on the way out of the bathroom, and he picks me up and quickly carries me to my bed. He sets me down on my side, and pulls the blankets up over my shivering body.
"I'm so cold," I whisper miserably.
He sits down beside me, and smooths the hair out of my face, "Be safer from now on, Severus. You don't want the Dark Lord to be angry with you, do you?"
"'M sorry," I mumble, "Please don't be mad at me."
"Just go to sleep."
"I don't wanna," I sniff, tears budding in my eyes.
"Listen, I know that you're drunk, but you're really being impossible, you know that?!" Lucius exclaims.
I automatically curl up and put my arms over my head.
"You're such a baby," he snarls. When I don't respond, he sighs, stands up, walks around to the other side of the bed, and lies down, "Wake me up if you start throwing up again."
I don't say anything. I wish I were dead. Hopefully once I fall asleep, I don't wake back up.

In the morning, Lucius is gone. I get dressed quickly, and go down to the kitchen. After drinking a couple glasses of water, I make and cut up a turkey sandwich. After combing the entire house for Lucius, I find Dobby in the attic.
"Hey, Dobby," I say, squatting down next to him, "do you happen to know where Lucius is?"
"Dobby does not know where Master Malfoy went, Master Severus! Dobby thinks that Master Malfoy might be out on business, or picking up Mistress Malfoy?" he squeaks.
"Thanks, Dobby. Hey, you wanna share this sandwich with me? I can't eat it all," I lie. I hate seeing how poorly treated he is, "and I can give you some potion to help heal those ears, too."
"Dobby knows Master Malfoy likes Master Severus to eat all his food, so Dobby couldn't! Master Malfoy would be so angry with Dobby for taking food from Master Severus!" he squeaks, and shivers.
"No problem, Dobby. If you ever need anything, just ask. I won't tell on you. I promise," I mumble uncomfortably and walk out of the attic, leaving Dobby to his cleaning. Knowing that I am making a poor choice, but not really caring, I leave my potions till tomorrow, and take a walk in the garden, feed the peacocks, then take a long shower and leave a note before disapparating.

Lucius– I am going to visit a friend, then I might go back to my house to fix it up. I fed your crazy birds. Dolly, Poppy, and Bruce were okay, but Daisy and Rose were nasty as usual, and yelled at me when I tried to get close enough to feed them. Thanks for helping me last night. Please tell Narcissa I say hi.
– S

Evan opens the door to his apartment a minute or so after I knock. His hair is wet, "Hey, sorry, I was in the shower when I heard you knock. What's up? Come on in! I'm glad to see you! It's been a while since you've been able to come over!" he says, smiling, and pulling me in for a hug. He briefly tangles his hand in my damp hair, and I take a deep breath, finally feeling relaxed for the first time since leaving Hogwarts. Evan chuckles as I trip over the welcome mat.
"Thanks for not being mad at me for coming unannounced— I kinda had a bad night last night, and I just wanted to hang out with you for a bit if that's okay. We haven't gotten to see each other in a while, so I figured, you know…" I trail off, unsure of what to say.
"Of course! I've really missed you! Wait, Sev," he says, catching sight of the bruise on my cheek, "What happened? Did you get hit here?"
"No! Well, yeah, but I deserved it," I mumble, looking away.
Evan snakes his hand around my waist, leads me to the couch, and sits me down, "What happened? Who hit you?"
"I kinda went to my dad's old bar and got drunk, and Lucius found me and took me back to the manor. I was bad, so I deserved it."
"He hit you? I'll hex him next time I see him," he growls.
"No! I mean, yeah, he did, but he took care of me while I was being sick, too. He just didn't want me to get in trouble, that's all. It's just a little bruise, it's not a big deal or anything. And besides, I deserved it."
"Sev, you don't deserve to be hit. I don't understand why you think so poorly of yourself. You're the most incredible person I know! Ever since the first time we met each other I thought you were amazing! Do you know what the other Death Eaters call you? They call you the Death Adder because of how you duel! Everybody wishes the Dark Lord would send you out with us because you're so good! The other day when he had you fight those two new guys was crazy! I've never seen you duel like that before! It was like you were a whole different person! It was amazing! The way you lured them in, acting as if you were just some weak little kid, then striking so fast! I almost missed it because I blinked! You're incredible!" Evan grabs my hands and holds them tight. I try to pull my hands back, but he doesn't let go.
"You're just saying all that to make me feel better, you don't really mean it. I'm stupid, and I'm a failure, and I'm ugly, and and and and…" my voice cracks, and my eyes blur. I blink rapidly to make them clear, but they keep welling up, "You're just saying those things 'cause you don't want me to know the truth— that nobody likes me and I'm a failure."
"Do you think I just forgot how much I liked you after we graduated? Did all that mean nothing to you? I've always thought you're perfect, and I've always wanted you! Don't you remember?" he tilts my chin up so I'm looking back at him, but not condescendingly, like when Lucius does it.
After a second, I blush, and looking into his eyes, I murmur, "Why don't you remind me?"

Later that day as we lie breathless in bed, Evan kisses my bruised cheek and says, "Sev?"
"Mmm?" I murmur.
"I was your first, right?"
"I think so. I don't know. I don't wanna talk about it," I mumble, remembering the time Dolohov gave me that lollipop and the few times over that summer when I woke up naked. I don't think Lucius let him or Yaxley do anything more than just touch me, but what if I don't remember? What if I've forgotten something? What if I wasn't awake for what happened? I pull the blankets up over my body and turn away from him.
"What do you mean you don't know?" he asks, putting his hand on my shoulder.
"I mean I don't know. I don't remember, Evan. You know my memory is terrible."
"If you say so, but I feel like your first time is something you remember, though."
"I think it was after that one quidditch game we bet on, right? And I said if we won, you could do whatever you wanted?"
"That's what I thought, but I wasn't sure. Damn, that was fun, huh? We should bet on things more often!" he laughs, wrapping his arm around my waist, "Sev?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you going to remember this?"
I hesitate for a moment, then say, "Yes. But if I forget, you have to promise to remind me. Okay?"
"I promise."

In the next few months before Evan's lease expires, I stay at Evan's apartment. In the mornings, we make our breakfast porridge together. Evan goes to work at the Ministry and I go to Slug & Jigger. On the weekends, I go to the manor to work on my potions for the Dark Lord, and, on the Dark Lord's orders, practice dueling with the Death Eaters he sends out on raids. When Lucius interrogates me on where I've been, I just say I'm staying on Evan's couch. I say he's been lonely, and we like being about to hang out together since we're both always so busy. He chuckles, ruffles my hair as if I'm his favorite lapdog, and tells me it's wonderful that I have such a good friend. In the evenings, when we both get back, Evan makes me work out with him. He never laughs at me for not being strong, or makes fun of how skinny I am. He just helps me get stronger. At night, he wraps me up in his arms like I'm the most precious thing he's ever had, and I am at peace.

When his lease expires, Evan moves into my house at Spinner's End with me. We fix it up, and make it look like a home. Sometimes, if we're outside, a neighbor will say hello and ask about Evan. We always say he's my friend, and he's staying here so he doesn't have to rent. That satisfies them, and they move on. With our combined income, Evan and I are able to buy healthy groceries and get me some new clothes that I actually like. It feels good to be able to dress myself for once. Sometimes I catch myself feeling guilty for my choices, but then Evan tells me how good I look, and I believe him. He never tells me I'm too skinny, but rather has me teach him how to cook. I teach him how to make groceries stretch, and he teaches me how to enjoy food again.

Some days after work, we take walks through the woods or around the small town. Because he would stand out in his nice clothes, he wears my dad's old jeans, work boots, and sweaters from the factory. His hair is beginning to go prematurely gray, and we joke that it's because he's not used to the air from the factory here, and that it's aging his body. I show him the steel mill, teach him how to recognize different animal tracks in the woods, and take him to the McDonald's my dad used to take me to. My accent is slipping, but he says he loves the way I speak, so I don't worry about it unless I have to speak to people at the manor. Once in a while, Evan tries to copy my accent like how I copied Lucius' accent. He sounds so silly when he tries, it always makes us laugh. When he's had a long day at work, he'll practice his violin in the living room, and sometimes he tries to teach me how to play. It always makes my carpal tunnels act up, though, and I'm pretty terrible at it, so, in good sport, he gives up trying to teach me to play the violin.

One weekend when neither of us have anything we need to do, I find my dad's old guitar. The last time I remember him playing was one of the last of the few times he was sober. It takes me a while, but Evan helps me get it tuned. I find the notes I took of the chords my dad taught me, and after I've practiced a bit, I teach Evan how to sing some of the songs my dad used to sing. He especially likes Wild Mountain Thyme. That was always my favorite, too.
"Sometimes if my dad was in a good mood, he'd ask me to sing with him. We used to sing a lot together. Before the mill closed," I say.
"And now you have me to sing with, right?" Evan smiles, putting his hand on my shoulder,
"And now I have you," I smile back, and softly sing,
"Will ye go, lassie go?
And we'll all go together
To pluck wild mountain thyme
All around the bloomin' heather
Will ye go, lassie go?"
"You know," Evan muses, "I can't believe you hid all this from me when we were kids!"
"Yeah, but it's all muggle stuff, Evan. It's just poor muggle stuff."
"I guess, but it's still interesting. I love how people sound out here, and I love seeing the playgrounds, and the old mill, and the factory, and the church, and everything!"
"You better not let the Dark Lord hear you talking like that. I'm serious, Evan. You'd better stop," I say, putting the guitar down.
"Yeah, but still, I just think it's cool," he mutters, looking away.
"Lemme show you something. Maybe this'll change your mind." I take his hand, and lead him back into the living room where my dad used to watch TV and drink.
"This is just the living room."
"Look at the floor here. Right by the door. See this brown spot? That's my blood. That's blood I could never get off no matter how hard I scrubbed."
"I don't understand," he backs up, shaking his head.
"Really?! That's from one of the times my dad— my father— beat me. That's from when I was a KID. From CHRISTMAS NIGHT! He was s'posed to be sober, and instead he whipped me with his belt for the second time in two days and beat me till I passed out on the floor! And see this?!" I exclaim, pointing at another dark spot on the floor, "That's from when he hit my ear so hard my entire eardrum ruptured! I passed out laying on my left side, and all the blood drained out on the floor! HE'S the reason I can't hear shit out of that ear! THAT'S what muggles are like! IT'S NOT FUCKING COOL!"
"Sev, that's not what I…"
"THEN WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN?! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! YOU'RE SO STUPID! I HATE YOU!" I don't even realize I'm shouting until the silence hits me. I hear myself breathe out, and I take a step back towards the wall. Then I take another step back. Then I slide down the wall, head in my hands. Out of my right ear, I hear Evan sniff, and I know he's going to leave me, or beat me, or at least scream at me. But then, I see his feet take slow, cautious steps towards me, and instinctively I put my arms over my head. He sits down next to me, but doesn't touch me.
"You don't mean that. I know you don't mean that," he murmurs.
My chest feels empty. Inside, I hear the echoes of my father's voice telling me that I'm the reason everything went wrong. I'm the one who's stupid. I'm a failure. Then I hear Potter's voice telling me I need to wash my mouth out with soap. And I hear my mother's voice telling me that if I behaved better, maybe this wouldn't have happened. And I hear McGonagall's voice telling me she's going to send me to St. Mungo's for an evaluation. And I hear Lily's voice telling me that she's disgusted with the choices I've made, "Evan, I'm so sorry," I choke out, "I'm so, so sorry!"
"I forgive you. May I hug you?"
I nod my head, still looking down, and he pulls me close.
"I'm sorry I made you feel like I was condoning your father's actions earlier, or that I thought muggles were cool. That's not how I feel. I shouldn't have said those things," he says.
"No, it's okay, I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. I promise I won't ever do that again," I whisper, curling up even tighter in his arms.
"You can't promise we'll never argue again, that's silly. Everybody argues. We can argue without saying mean things, though. That's for muggles, right?" and he taps my nose.
"Yeah," I giggle, and push the memories of Lily's family even deeper into the filing cabinet in my brain. Then I toss out the key.