Egon was silent on the car ride over to Janine's apartment. He normally wasn't wearing his regular clothes when the Ecto-1 was in emergency mode. He couldn't help but fiddle with his suspenders as he looked out the window. He always fiddled with something when he was nervous. He could barely swallow his saliva. He was on the verge of panic.
"You excited, Egon?" asked Ray, "I certainly am! Those nine months we've been waiting are almost up!"
Egon sighed to get that panicky feeling as far away as possible.
"Does somebody have butterflies in his stomach?"
"More like deadly, Africanized bees."
"Well, look at it this way. You're going to meet a brand-new person. We all met a brand-new person just a few days ago. It'll be no different."
"I beg to differ, Ray. I interviewed Gabby. I didn't create her by accident."
"Well, maybe you can do some deep breathing along with Janine."
The Ecto-1 finally turned a corner and pulled up by Janine's apartment. She was sitting on the stoop with a packed duffel bag looking none too happy. She hugged her bloated belly as the car slowed to a stop.
Ray reached over and cranked down the window in the passenger's seat.
"Your chariot awaits, my dear," he said.
Janine pushed herself up and waddled over to the back door. After she opened it and sat down, she buckled her seat and placed her duffel bag by her feet. The Ecto-1 sped up and blared its siren once more, this time toward the hospital.
"All right, Egon," she said, "The doctor said that I should go to the hospital once my contractions are five minutes apart."
"And how far apart are they?"
"Four minutes and thirty seconds."
"And when was your last one?
"Three minutes ago." She had a stop watch in her right hand. She knew what she was talking about.
"Now, before we go through with this, are you positive that I'm the father? Are you sure the father isn't the pizza delivery guy or the mayor?"
Janine was having none of this. She clutched the seat with her left hand as she brought out her harpy-like rage.
"EGON, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS MULTIPLE TIMES! I TOLD YOU THAT I USE CONDOMS WITH ALL THOSE GUYS! I'M NOT THE FUCKING IDIOT YOU THINK I AM! IF I'M SO UNTRUSTWORTHY THEN WHY DID YOU HIRE ME, HUH? WHY DID YOU HIRE ME?!"
"All right, all right. I believe you. Stop yelling."
"Wow, Egon," said Ray, "You couldn't have picked a worse time to ask that question."
"I know. Don't remind me." Right now, who the father was didn't matter (okay, maybe it did a little). What mattered was that Egon cared about Janine and that she needed as much moral support as possible. He didn't want her going through this alone.
"Hey, I know! Why don't we play 'I spy?' I spy with my little eye, something that starts with… A."
Before anyone could guess, Janine felt a grueling contraction coming on.
"AAAAAAAHHHHH," she groaned. She closed her eyes real tight, gritted her teeth and bent forward.
Egon couldn't possibly imagine what she was going through. It looked as though lightning bolts had struck through the car and landed on just her abdomen and back. Egon held her hand and stroked the top of it until the pain passed.
"No, that's not the right answer," said Ray, "The answer was 'apartment.' Good guess, though. Both 'apartment' and 'aaaah' start with 'A.'"
"Damnit, Ray!" said Egon, "We don't have time for games right now!"
"Just trying to ease the tension, jeez…"
Egon and Janine made it to the hospital and before they knew it, Janine was in a hospital gown in her very own room. She sat up in bed and concentrated on her breathing while Egon rubbed her back. Egon took turns looking at her and looking at the tropical houseplant in the corner of the squeaky-clean, brightly-colored room. He wondered how much that plant had seen and how it was still standing tall despite all that.
"How are you doing?" he asked
"I'm in Hell, thanks for asking," said Janine.
"Everything's going to be all right."
"You keep saying that and yet the contractions keep coming on stronger."
"It's all going to be over eventually. Does that sound better?"
"That's better."
Egon hoped that it would be over soon as well. He couldn't stand to see Janine suffering this much. But he trusted the doctors and they would ensure the best possible outcome of this situation. "Maybe you'll feel better if I tell you about birth in other species. Did you know that a kiwi bird lays an egg that is three-quarters the size of its body?"
"Oh boy, that's got to be pretty painful."
"And consider yourself lucky that you're not a hyena."
"Why?"
"Well, in order for me to explain that, I would have to explain what a pseudo-penis is first…"
"My mother is here," said Janine in between big breathes.
"Your mother?"
A woman had entered the room. She looked like an older version of Janine with longer brown hair and grey roots. Her glasses were round and tortoiseshell-colored rather than pointed and green like her daughter's. She carried an oversized, puffy purse and an orchid-colored umbrella even though it wasn't raining outside. She wore a sun dress decorated with tiny islands. Or maybe they were turtles. Egon didn't know.
"Egon, this is my mother Debbie," said Janine.
Debbie didn't give any look of happiness or concern for either of them; rather, she gave a look of a stern substitute teacher, particularly towards Egon.
"So, you're the putz who knocked up my daughter," she said in a Brooklyn accent that was just as thick as Janine's.
"You know, a simple 'hello' or 'nice to meet you' would have sufficed," said Egon.
"Mom, he's not a putz," said Janine, "He's an intelligent man who helps run a successful business."
"They're letting people who aren't careful run businesses now?" said Debbie, "I fear for this economy, I really do."
Janine looked at Egon and leaned toward him.
"You caught her on one of her better days," she whispered.
"Oh, joy," said Egon. Egon focused on the perplexing presence of Debbie's umbrella. "Why do you have an umbrella with you?"
"Just in case it rains," said Debbie, "The weatherman says that it's not supposed to rain today but you know how wrong they can be."
Doctor Goulding came in to check up on Janine and put some clean surgeons' gloves on her hands.
"How are we doing, Miss Melnitz?" she asked with a smile, "Why don't we check to see how many centimeters dilated we are?" She then looked at Debbie. "And you must be her… mother?"
"Yes, I am her mother," she said, "Would you mind telling us how many more hours it'll be before the baby arrives? I want to see if I have time to give the cafeteria staff a piece of my mind for the last time that I visited somebody at this hospital. I ordered a chicken sandwich – which was overpriced, by the way – and it had a bone in it! A bone! Are you people trying to make your visitors have to use your services? Do your eggs have salmonella in them, too?" She then looked at Janine, who was lying back in bed with her hand on her stomach. "And sit up straight, Janie! For God's sake, the kid isn't even here yet and you're already setting a bad example!"
Just then, Janine felt yet another contraction.
"OOOOOOOOHHH!" she wailed, "Make it stop!"
Egon sighed.
"Yes," he said, "I'd like for this all to stop, please."