The next morning, Gabby sat in the lounge area watching the morning show. Their special guest that morning was a zookeeper who had brought in a monkey. The host marveled at how well-behaved the monkey was. Indeed, the monkey mainly sat there looking around, sometimes touching the objects on set. The zookeeper assured the host and the audience that this was a monkey that was specially trained so that he could be safely shown to people for educational purposes. The zookeeper said that it took much time, patience and strawberries to ensure that this monkey would not bite, scratch or throw things at people.
Gabby looked over at the other side of the room where Marta the alp was sitting in her protective bubble. She stood still, almost like a statue if not for her blinking eyes. The only time she was ever let out was for training purposes, namely college students shooting fake streams at her. But surely she could be more than a training prop? Surely, SHE could be trained as well? After all, she specified that she was on their side now. She would become even more of an ally if she acted polite and friendly around the humans that she had set out to protect.
Gabby walked over to Marta. Marta had to be capable of being good, Gabby figured. After all, Gabby was able to approach her like she was a person. That chilly feeling she normally got around ghosts was dulled.
"What are YOU here for?" asked Marta.
Gabby was the bigger person. Rather than react to Marta's defensive tone, she would exhibit kindness and patience.
"Well, Marta," she said, "I was thinking that since you're on our side now, I could teach you a few things about how to act and communicate around humans."
"You're not gonna use me as bait?" she asked.
"No. Not now, at least. Right now, let's focus on how to act… friendlier."
"You're telling me that I'm not freaking friendly already?!" Suddenly, Marta's eyes turned bright red.
"No, no, you ARE friendly, just… we could take what you have and improve it. ¿Comprende?"
"I guess."
"Now, let's start with our first lesson…"
Gabby spent the next half an hour giving Marta instruction on how to interact with people using basic greetings, phrases and common topics of conversation. She mainly gave examples on what to say and how to answer certain questions.
"Now, come. I have some test subjects for you," said Gabby.
Marta had an easier time walking once Gabby popped her spectral bubble. Gabby led her downstairs where Janine was at her desk. Casey was sitting in his baby seat, which was on the floor next to the desk. He was surrounded with his simple, colorful toys.
"All right, Marta," said Gabby, "What we have here is a woman."
Gabby motioned toward Janine. Janine looked up from her work and blew a bubble gum bubble.
"Now, what do we say to an adult when we first meet them?"
Marta looked at Janine for a couple of seconds.
"Hello," she said.
"Why, hello," said Janine.
So far, so good.
"How have you been?" asked Marta.
"Oh, I've been doing well. How are you?"
"I have also been doing well. Um…" Marta looked up at Gabby, wondering what to say next.
"Compliment her," said Gabby.
Marta looked back at Janine. "I have to say, your inflatable proboscis looks particularly pink today."
"What?!" asked Janine.
"That's bubble gum," said Gabby, "It's candy. It's not a part of her body."
"Oh…" said Marta. She seemed embarrassed but not panicky. "Your candy looks particularly pink today."
"Why, thank you, sweetie," said Janine, "I'll send my regards to Bazooka Joe."
Marta looked back at Gabby. "How was that?"
"That was good for a first try," she said, "Practice makes perfect. Now let's go to our next test subject." She motioned towards Casey.
"Ah, yes," said Marta, "The baby. Those things that we like to play pranks on!"
"Yes, but this time, we will NOT be playing a prank on this baby. We will just be interacting with him like a nice person would."
Marta looked directly into Casey's eyes. Casey didn't mind the presence of this demon. If anything, he was engaged in whatever this creature was doing. "Hello."
"That's a good start, but when talking to a baby, you have to make your voice sound high pitched and cheery."
"Uggh… really? I guess I'll try." Marta cleared her throat.
She took a deep breath… and let out a terrifying, guttural "HELLO."
It rumbled the objects around her to the point where Janine had to hastily catch the pencils before they could roll off her desk. Gabby bristled. Casey didn't know enough about the world to be terrified, so he laughed.
"Okay, so maybe talking to babies isn't your strong suit," said Gabby.
"It's okay," assured Janine, "It's not Egon's strong suit either."
"I can at least compliment him," said Marta. She looked back at Casey. "My, my, it's as if someone gouged out Egon's eyes and put them inside of your head!"
"I agree," said Gabby, "But it would be far better if you just said 'He has Egon's eyes.'"
"You have Egon's eyes."
"Now, you see, if you're not good at baby voice and want to compliment the baby, you say the compliment to the parent, not the baby."
Gabby looked up at Janine. "He has Egon's eyes."
"I know, he does!" said Janine.
"Alps are not into eating children but if I were in a situation where I had to eat a child, I would eat your child last."
Gabby gasped. Janine wasn't as keen on this compliment.
"WHAT?!" exclaimed Janine.
"Let me try that again," said Marta, "Alps are not into eating children but if I were in a situation where I had to eat a child, I would eat your child FIRST." Marta looked back at Gabby. "There. Is THAT better?"
Gabby was starting to think that maybe her lesson should have been a bit longer.
"No, Marta!" she said, "You don't tell someone that you want to eat her child!"
"But you humans DO eat cute things!" said Marta, "I've heard one of you say it before! That person said, and I quote, 'She's so cute, I could just eat her up!"
Gabby laughed. This, in itself, was just too cute.
"What's so funny?" Marta planted her clenched claws into her side as she waited for an answer.
"That's just an expression, Marta! When people say that someone is 'so cute, they could eat them up,' they don't actually want to eat that person. It's just something you say when you think that somebody is cute."
Marta slapped her forehead. "Feeling stupid this many times in one day sure is exhausting."
"It's okay, Marta. It's called learning."
Casey continued to smile while trying to grab at Marta.
"So, how many of these non-literal sayings do you humans have?" asked Marta.
"Too many, if you ask me," said Egon as he swiftly walked over to the others. He grabbed Casey from his infant seat and held him close while he glared at Marta.
"Egon, what are you doing?" asked Janine.
"I'm protecting my young."
"Egon, he's MY young, too. And all we're doing is teaching this alp how to talk to people. You want her to integrate with society, don't you?"
"Not really. And I don't want Casey near her because we don't know the effects of prolonged exposure to ectoplasmic activity on infant health and behavior. It's bad enough that he's already exposed to trace amounts around The Firehouse. I'd rather not use him as a test subject, thank you very much."
"Slimer has touched him at least several times since he was born and nothing has happened."
"Nothing we know about. The effects could be invisible but every bit as dangerous."
At this point, Casey started squirming and crying. Gabby had a feeling that it wasn't because of his parents arguing.
"Egon, I think Casey wanted to touch Marta's fuzzy chest," she said, "That's what he was trying to do before you picked him up.
"Yeah, Egon," said Janine, "Put him back in his seat and let him do that."
Egon thought for a moment.
"Well, I'll let him do that. But he will need to go through a thorough decontamination afterward."
"So?" said Janine, "He likes baths."
Egon gently set the distraught Casey back into his bouncy infant seat, after which, Casey quieted down.
Marta stepped closer to Casey. Casey reached out and touched the fuzzy fur on her chest. He lightly slapped Marta's chest a bit, which Marta didn't mind. She had felt a lot worse in her demonic existence. Casey then grabbed some of her fur and squeezed it. Again, she didn't mind. All the while, she stood there like a member of the royal guard. She was quiet and patient… at least until Casey started yanking at her fur.
"Ow!" she exclaimed.
"All right, that's enough!" said Egon. He swooped in and grabbed his son again. "We're decontaminating you right away!"
This time, Casey was a bit calmer. He had his fill of feeling fuzzy demons.
"Don't forget to use his ducky and his washcloth!" said Janine as she handed Egon her diaper bag.
"You know I never do."
As Egon went upstairs with the baby, Gabby thought about what she took away from that day (so far). It made her realize that a large part of the human condition was feeling stupid. After all, how do you know that you're learning things if you don't feel stupid?
Later on, Egon was in his lab looking at an ectoplasmic sample of a ghost that had been caught last weekend so that he could properly categorize it. There were different types of ghost, so it only made sense that the chemical makeup of the ectoplasm would be different as well.
It was so quiet that he could hear the others talk and laugh on the main floor.
"Oh my gosh!" said Gabby, "That's so cute!"
"That can't be real," said Winston.
"Oh, it is," said Janine.
"They're both sleeping like little angels!" said Ray.
Oh no, thought Egon. She wasn't showing them that photo, was she?
He ran to the garage area as fast as he could, even taking the pole to get there faster. When he got to the group, he was horrified to see that his suspicions were correct. She WAS showing them the photo of him sleeping in the rocking chair with Casey, which had been freshly developed at the local pharmacy.
"Hey, Egon!" said Peter, "We've found something new to blackmail you with if the opportunity ever arises!"
Egon groaned in bemusement.
"Janine, I told you not to show anyone that photo!" he said.
"And I said no promises," said Janine.
"Egon, there's nothing to be ashamed of," said Gabby, "You're a good dad and there's photographic evidence of it."
"In fact, he brags to me that he can get Casey to fall asleep in his arms after a feeding without having to do anything," said Janine.
"It wasn't bragging, Janine," said Egon, "I was merely making an observation."
"I usually have to sing a stupid made-up song about stuff that I see or plans that I have for that day in order to get him to fall asleep."
"And Egon doesn't have to?" asked Ray.
"Allegedly. In fact, it's about time for Casey's feeding right now. Let's test out whether that's true, shall we?"
Janine handed Egon Casey's bottle along with a towel to sling over his shoulder. Egon lifted Casey out of his carrier and sat down in Janine's chair, positioning the baby for feeding. Egon didn't complain. He had done this quite a few times by now, although he was A LITTLE embarrassed about doing this in front of his compatriots. It wasn't that he was bothered by performing this task in The Firehouse. It was more the scrutiny from those around him that bothered him. On the other hand, this didn't seem so bad when he started thinking of this as an anthropological study - with him and his baby being the subject.
Casey didn't care. As far as he was concerned, he was getting a meal out of this.
As Casey eagerly sucked on the bottle, Egon decided to fill up the time by talking about important things with his coworkers.
"How has your work been, Gabriella?" asked Egon, "Have you been creating those extra proton packs with your magic?"
"I have," she said, "Although at one point, I accidentally created one where the wires were small snakes. I'm not sure what was going through my head when THAT happened."
"What matters is that you've rectified the problem." He then turned to Ray. "And what about your duties, Raymond? Have you taken a tally of all of the college students who will remain with our ghostbusting reinforcements?"
"Surprisingly, only four quit once it became apparent that we were not going to pay them in booze," said Ray.
Once Egon was done feeding Casey, he propped the baby against his shoulder and burped him.
Peter took a piece of paper, drew a massive number seven on it and held it up.
"What is that?" asked Winston.
"His score," said Peter, "Although the kid's gotta practice if he wants to get in the big leagues."
Egon then lay the child across his chest. He rested Casey on his left arm and made sure that the baby was in a comfortable position. The milk-drunk infant looked at Egon, although Casey's ghostly-blue eyes would not stay wide for long. In seemingly no time, Casey's eyelids grew heavy. He yawned and stretched. He eventually turned a little to face Egon's chest. Casey's tiny hands grabbed at his father's shirt as he drifted into slumber.
A chorus of "awws" rang out amongst the group, complete with chuckles.
Winston veeeeeeery slowly lifted a camera up to his eye.
"No," whispered Egon harshly.
"Aw, man," said Winston.
Janine was not in the chorus of "awws." She was dumbfounded. She didn't know whether Casey was old enough to have a favorite parent but what she DID know was that she had just been bested at this whole parenting thing.
"Well, I'll be damned," she whispered.
"We WILL be when that wicked witch puts her plan into action," said Peter.