Alice, 1931

Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Caroll

"That's just the trouble with me, I give myself very good advice, but very seldom follow it"

Snow was quickly piling high on the window sill, blocking out what little light the grimey glass pane was letting through. Inside an abandoned cabin, Alice sat in the middle of the floor. She didn't seem to notice the dust that she kneeled in; she was completely absorbed in the musty novel that sat in her hands.

An old man was being taken through the past and present, and shown several different images. Alice couldn't help but envy the man. Every time she walked through visions, she did so alone. He got his own guide! Or maybe, this ghost was just like Alice. Maybe there were other Alices out there! When the man awoke, he was filled with a renewed spirit and realized the error of his ways. There was something to think about, maybe Alice could help others, too! A little ghost of Christmas. Then she would have someone to travel with. She thought back to the scarred man in the diner and the little family at the piano, and her heart was filled with a familiar hollowness.

The people were comforting, but also served as a reminder that Alice was only ever with Alice. Was it Christmas? Alice looked through the dirty window, adjusting her heightened eyesight to look past the constellation of dust particles to the pristine snow. She knew the closest town was a ten minute run away, she spent many evenings circling its perimeter and watching the people walk this way and that.Sometimes Alice got flashes of their future and she made up little stories to go along with it. Mrs. Red Hair was going to discover that she was out of milk, and Alice imagined that Mr. Red Hair was cheating on his wife with a milk addict. Mrs. Milk Addict was originally addicted to opium but couldn't find any in the small town Mr. Milk Addict moved them to, and she was so lonely she turned to chugging milk.

Alice giggled when she remembered her little story, but found she was getting herself distracted. Christmas! She wanted to know if it was Christmas. She found the darkness and light to be almost the same length, so she figured it must be soon. But there was another way to find out. Since her initial series of visions upon waking, seeing into the future wasn't as easily forthcoming. If she squinted her inner vision, she constantly saw dark shadows moving around, but none of them spoke or had any distinct features. Other times visions came when she was busy; they rendered her paralyzed and allowed many a prey to escape. This was frustrating for obvious reasons, and Alice had worked very hard to not let her visions take hold of her without permission. But despite the shortcomings of her magic, it had prevented her from hurting anybody. As long as she was cautious, she would never have to hurt another living being.

Well, at least not anyone human.

"Alright now, let's work together to figure this out", Alice said to herself.

Taking a deep breath, Alice laid down on the dirt floor. She let herself become aware of how the earth felt below her, of the pine smell that still clung to the logs of the cabin despite its wear, of how the flames in the small fire she lit danced against the walls. She heard the crackling of wood inside and the sound of millions of tiny snowflakes joining their brethren on the ground outside. Then, Alice closed her eyes and waded through the shadows. She looked for Mrs. Red Hair and was able to find her fairly easily; the smell of clove and honey coming from one of the shadow people matched Mrs. Red Hair's essence.

When Alice focused on the shadow, it started to sharpen and look more and more like Mrs. Red Hair. Alice stared around the shadow until the walls of a structure started building themselves in front of her eyes. Plank by plank the building was constructed, and furniture started plopping itself into place. Long wooden benches appeared and other shadows sat themselves down. In Mrs. Red Hair's hands, a book appeared and Alice heard Mrs. Red Hair sing the words "Hosannah in the highest".

Mrs. Red Hair was facing what Alice assumed was the front of the room, and a large crucifix rose through the ground in front of her. To its right, a small wisp shimmered and Alice could barely hear the words "And so Mary… his son… sins… wisemen...". Looking back at Mrs. Red Hair, Alice saw that she was wearing a tudor green velvet dress that was well-tailored and her hair was pinned in curls. She went to stroke the velvet of Mrs. Red Hair's dress and the vision shimmered like water disturbed. Looking through the window of the newly constructed building, Alice saw the snow was accumulating on the windowsill.

Glancing down at herself, Alice realized she was nearly nude. The fabric that clung to her had been worn away, not that she ever noticed. She could tell the difference between the temperature next to the fire and snow outside, but neither invoked any unpleasant feelings. They were simply… different. But given how nice Mrs. Red Hair looked, Alice doubted she could stroll up to the doors of that building without drawing too much attention. Through her observations of the nearby town, she had noted that people tried very, very hard to act or look the same, at least while they were around others. And one cannot very well pretend something without really committing to pretending.

Alice stood up and looked around the cabin. In the corner stood an armoire that looked a bit out of place. Despite the grime that covered it, it was in good condition and looked to be more expensive than what should be in a cabin. Alice walked over and ran her hand over the door. She wondered if maybe there was a path to Narnia, where she could slip through the fabric and end up in a land with witches like herself. She frowned, she didn't like thinking of herself as an evil witch, enticing children with some sort of addictive drug called Turkish Delight.

Wait, Alice thought to herself, that hadn't happened yet. That was part of some unpublished thing, a man talking to his publisher… shaking her head, Alice opened the armoire and was met with mounds of fur. She shuddered at the memory of her deer hunt a week ago and the way the hair had clung to her teeth. It had taken ages to pick out.

Tentatively, Alice reached up and stroked the fur, finding it soft and thick. The richness of the ruddy brown colour was pronounced in contrast to her pale skin. She shuffled through the coats until she found one that she probably wouldn't trip over. She pulled it out and held it in front of her. Wrinkling her nose, she found that it smelled unpleasantly medicinal, but the coat appeared to be in good condition. She slipped her arms in and wrapped the fur around her body. The coat appeared to be built for a child and although she was quite small, the small curves of her body were prominent enough to make it slightly tight across her chest. For the first time, Alice felt slightly like a grownup.

Wandering over to the dirty glass in the window, Alice focused on her reflection. She was pleasantly surprised by the fact that she might not look out of place next to the normal people. Her eyes were dark and wouldn't stand out under street lamps. Alice started feeling excited. Was she actually going to do it? She hadn't seen anything bad happening when she chased her vision, and she longed to be part of something… anything. It was Christmas, after all. Alice wasn't particularly religious, having more faith in her own magic than some random invisible man, but she did know that Christmas meant family and smiling and surprises. At the very least, it was something different.

Alice squeaked aloud, out of excitement or anxiety she wasn't sure, and she bolted out of the cabin. The stars shone brightly without the interference of firelight and made the snow glow under her feet. As Alice sprinted along the top of the snowbanks, she realized that she barely saw any footprints in her wake. She felt like she was gliding through the forest like some sort of spirit. The spirit of Christmas now! Alice thought cheerfully to herself.

As Alice ran, her mind wandered towards her destination. Oh Mrs. Red Hair, she imagined herself saying, how is Mr. Red Hair doing? I would watch myself around that Mrs. Milk Addict, she is bad news! Oh, no need to thank me, I just want you to have a very good Christmas. A smile crept onto her face. Yes, she was sure that Mrs. Red Hair would become a great friend. She would leave Mr. Red Hair and they would move to New York City. Maybe they would become actresses.

The former Mrs. Red Hair and Alice would be a two-woman act, shining brighter than any stars have ever shone. All of Mrs. Red Hair's outfits should be that beautiful tudor green that Alice saw in her vision, and Alice would dress herself in midnight blue. Yes, they would contrast and compliment each other perfectly. Maybe they would start out performing in small clubs, flirting with patrons and smoking fancy cigarettes. Oh, and Alice would look so much older, leaning over and asking a gentleman for a light.

At the end of the evening, Mrs. Red Hair and Alice would stumble back to their apartment arm-in-arm, giggling about what the bartender had said earlier.

Alice quite liked the scene she painted in her imagination. With her ability to walk through shadows, she was sure she could try and make this scene happen. Mrs. Red Hair would certainly be happier than living in a small town, isolated from any friends, being betrayed by an oaf of a man.

In the distance Alice could see the faint glitter of candles and she slowed to a halt. Humans did not seem to be able to move as quickly as Alice could, and she didn't want to frighten anyone. Past small wooden houses and along the dirt road Alice walked, the excitement building in her stomach and threatening to spill out of her. She caught sight of a large crucifix at the top of a white building. The building smelled more like the forest than the other buildings and Alice presumed that perhaps it was built more recently. Something deep inside her said that this was the building of her vision, and she pushed the front door open.

The room was mostly dark, except for a few flickers of candlelight in the back corner. In front of the corner was a small bench low to the ground, and kneeling there was Mrs. Red Hair.

If Alice wasn't so caught up in her own excitement, she might have heard the soft sobbing as she approached the building, her hearing was rather good. But she couldn't mistake it now.

Turning around, Mrs. Red Hair jumped and gave a small sound of alarm. Alice supposed that she didn't make enough noise for Mrs. Red Hair to hear her. That was another thing, humans seemed to have terrible hearing.

"I… I'm sorry, I didn't hear anyone come in," Mrs. Red Hair said, "were you waiting to make a candle offering?". She discreetly rubbed her eyes and tried to brush the wrinkles out of her dress.

Her… white dress.

Alice tilted her head in confusion.

"No, I… I thought it was Christmas?"

"Christmas is next week… are you lost, miss?" Mrs. Red Hair appeared confused and slightly uneasy now.

"I guess I got it wrong, the… the timing, I mean." Alice sat down on the ground in defeat.

"Are you okay? I can try and call for someone if you need help. It's too cold and too late for someone as young as you to be wandering around. Did you get separated from your family?" Mrs. Red Hair walked over to Alice and knelt down, reaching forward and stroking Alice's back.

The human's touch, she could feel it just like she felt the snowflakes on her skin, the snowflakes that had only begun to melt once she came inside the building. She had never had a person touch her before. And that touch had completely undone her.

"I don't know where my family is," Alice gasped out, "it's supposed to be Christmas, I'm supposed to go to New York, and none of this is right."

Mrs. Red Hair smiled kindly at her. "I understand that. Well… not all of that, but I can understand the feeling that nothing is right."

Alice nodded quieted her sobs to let Mrs. Red Hair talk.

"I don't know where my family is either. I mean, I thought I did. I moved here to marry someone who promised me a really good life. I didn't care for him much, but I really… I really wanted somewhere to belong, you know?"

"Like Esme?" Alice choked out.

"I don't know Esme, but I suppose it's not that uncommon. We live in a very dreadful time, miss. You're fortunate if anyone can afford to eat. But I wasn't unhappy with Lloyd. He was a calm man, you always knew when he would be home and he never criticized anything."

Not like Esme, Alice thought to herself.

Mrs. Red Hair continued, "What does any of us know though? It turns out he… he wasn't faithful, and I honestly feel like none of this is right. To top it all off, I found out I am expecting".

Mrs. Red Hair gave out a short, manic laugh.

"And now I'm telling a complete stranger this in the middle of a church at midnight".

Stranger. Alice supposed that was who she was, a stranger.

Mrs. Red Hair sighed. "Listen, Lloyd is staying with his parents and I have the house to myself tonight. Why don't you come with me?You'll have a place to sleep and I'll even make breakfast. I'm rather good at cooking, if I do say so myself."

Alice felt a small tug on her hand and she decided to follow it out of politeness. None of this was right, but she wasn't alone.

"Um, okay, I um, just um… I came here…"

"Oh, would you like to pray, miss? I can pray with you if you'd like."

Alice nodded for lack of anything better to say. Mrs. Red Hair gently lead Alice to the front of the room and up several stairs where a second crucifix hung.

When Mrs. Red Hair knelt and folded her hands gently, Alice followed suit.

The minutes slowly added up as Alice stayed locked in her head. It's not Christmas, ricocheted violently in her skull. Not Christmas. And a small bird fluttering on her back. No bird ever landed on Alice before. No birds, no birds, no birds.

Mrs. Red Hair cleared her throat.

"Miss, it is late and it is getting rather cold here. Perhaps it's time you came back to my house? We can light a fire, and… and you can keep praying there, if you'd like".

Alice realized that she probably took too long and stood up quickly.

Too quickly.

She had not realized that Mrs. Red Hair was standing directly behind her, the bird on her back. A bird that now soared and crashed into the back of the church.

Alice shrieked and ran after Mrs. Red Hair.

Mrs… Red Everything.

There was red everywhere: dripping from her ears, from between her legs, her entire dress turning red.

And Alice, Alice lept gracefully through the air and landed on the bird. On her tongue... better than anything, better than feathers against her back, better than outshining every star, better than deers and Christmas and...

When there was nothing left to devour, when the small bones of the bird lay drowning in stained clothing and red hair, Alice let out a scream of frustration.

"Green! You were supposed to be wearing green!".