Prompt: Write a letter to the parents of a private school apologizing for why you had to fire the chemistry teacher
Valued Client,
You have likely heard effusive stories from your child regarding the popular and charismatic chemistry teacher, Bobbert Finnekin. While many students regard him highly, and his charm is undeniable, we regret that it was necessary to terminate his employment. Fun classroom experiments involving smoke bombs and catapults were one thing, but he grew increasingly obsessed with teaching his students to produce and deploy toxic gasses of worrying variety. The last straw was when he led his students in a series of "pranks" on the locker rooms yesterday while third period gym class was at the pool. Poison ivy oil was disseminated in a mist form, coating every surface. This regrettably included the clothing in the lockers. Because it was swim day, this clothing even included undergarments, which you'll likely agree was going a bit too far. The hospitalization of fifty-seven students is a tad more than Administration is willing to forgive. And by firing the culprit, we're less likely to be implicated in the class-action lawsuit we suspect is pending. Thank you for your patience and understanding as we seek out a suitable replacement.
Sincerely,
Regina Twiddlesmith, PR Specialist
[Actual Entry: "his knowledge harm curious young group - he make itch bomb - torment panties"]
Valued Patron,
Rest assured that we're aware of the recent allegations regarding Ms. Valerie Frizzle's unorthodox teaching techniques. As a fine Christian school, we do not support her repeated and flamboyant use of literal magic in granting time-traveling powers to our vehicles, nor her habit of shrinking the children small enough to travel through a student's bloodstream or occasionally launching them into space. The private contractor we hired has completed all the necessary exorcisms, and the culprit has been relieved of her teaching position. We have concluded that none of the children have suffered lasting physical, emotional, or mental harm, though we suggest your child recite the Hail Mary a few hundred times to offset any lingering spiritual corruption.
Be aware: Ms. Frizzle intends to apply for a job at Walkerville Elementary across town, and Principal Ruhle has somewhat lower standards than us, so she's likely to be hired. We advise your child to stay away from that school unless they carry an emergency supply of holy water, and possibly a wooden stake and/or revolver with silver ammunition. If your child insists that you allow them to take extreme risks in the name of science education, or starts vomiting uncontrollably while rotating their head three hundred sixty degrees, don't hesitate to give us a call. The contractor will remain on hand for the next three school days to assist with any such issues.
Yours truly,
Principal Gumpert
[Actual Entry: "miss chemical was rogue - her have random crazy influence"]
To the parents of young Higglia Mulch,
You'll be pleased to learn that your daughter's least favorite teacher will no longer be working anywhere in the state. It was clear for half a decade that Miss Baku has no respect for our fine school and limited regard for her students, but previously we struggled to find actionable grounds for dismissal. However, the video footage and stolen notes Higglia submitted has been deemed sufficient. A chemistry teacher testing homemade military-grade explosives outside of town, while calculating the likely damage in reference to our school specifically, feels more than a little sus. Just in case, we will switch to online classes until the regional bomb squad has given an all clear. Thank you again for the brave and clever contribution your daughter made to keeping our school shaped like a school, and keeping the students and faculty shaped like living humans.
With gratitude,
Farquad Thairbonk, Head of Security
[Actual Entry: "she hate school - explosion - no"]
Dear PARENT NAME,
We had to fire FACULTY MEMBER for drilling their students in skills related to stealth, espionage, and assassination. We know this has become a surprisingly common issue at our school, so much so that we've been forced to tolerate such practices in teachers that limit it to only a few days per month. However, when the teacher in question is also ragingly drunk while forcing the kids to dodge throwing knives, we've learned this is simply going too far. Even if all the affordable applicants display a certain bloodlust, intoxication in class on the same day as high-risk activities is no longer acceptable.
If STUDENT NAME is missing any limbs or more than a liter of blood, they will not be penalized for any missed schooldays, and we offer a deadline extension for any classwork assigned during their convalescence. If you feel entitled to further concession, we refer you back to the various waivers signed when your child enrolled.
Respectfully,
CURRENT PRINCIPAL
[Actual Entry: "admit dubious assassin test - swear drunk one cut]