Title: After Bourbon

Summary: Post SVU Acceptable Loss 14x4. It's been 18 months since Detective Robert Goren handed in his papers and left Major Case. His former partner, Alexandra Eames, now a Lieutenant for the NYPD, is still struggling to make sense of his absence.

Disclaimer: I do not own Law & Order: CI/ Law & Order: SVU or any of its characters. They belong to Dick Wolf. I do, however, own my writing, so please don't steal- SantinaJo©

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A/N: This is my first LOCI story, and it's been a while since I've written anything, but just thought I'd flex the ol' muscle. A lot of the dialogue at the bar is not mine. It's from the Benson/Eames scene in SVU 14x4.

-01-

Walking out of the interrogation room, Eames had the intense urge to scrub the day's filth off her. She'd felt tense and out of sorts since SVU had stumbled into her investigation, and listening to Sofia's story now… well… sometimes she couldn't help but wonder, what's the point?

"Lieutenant Eames," Donald Cragen stood as the petite blonde entered his office. He rounded his desk to meet her and extended his hand. "I want to thank you for your help," he told her sincerely.

"Yeah," Eames smiled politely, accepting his hand and shaking it lightly. "You too. My people will see to it that justice is served."

Cragen nodded his head in understanding, smiling kindly. "You take care of yourself."

"You too, Captain," she dropped her hand back to her side and grabbed the leather jacket and tote bag she'd left in his office. Walking back into the bullpen, she caught Olivia's eye and smiled kindly.

"Lieutenant," Benson strode quickly over to her, extending her hand, "I wanted to say thank you for working with my team to solve this case. I know… we're not always the easiest squad to work with."

Understatement of the century, Alex thought. She smiled tightly and accepted the Detective's hand. "It was my pleasure, Detective. I've heard many great things about SVU and a lot about you, in particular. I'm glad to say all of it's true." And she meant every word. Most detectives didn't have the stomach for SVU, many leaving with less than five years of duty under their belt. She respected that Olivia Benson had been there for fourteen years, more so for staying even after her partner left. She knew better than anyone how hard it was to pick up the pieces after such a transition. It was one of the reasons she'd left Major Case.

Everywhere she looked, it'd just been too many memories. Too many feelings.

Olivia blushed at her compliment. She certainly hadn't been the picture of welcome and warmth the first time she'd met the Lieutenant, but she was glad they had managed to salvage the interaction and end things on a positive note.

"How 'bout I buy you a drink?" Liv suggested. "I don't feel much like going home yet."

"Yeah," Alex nodded, "I'd like that."

…

Olivia took a drink, savoring the taste of Bourbon on her tongue before swallowing. "It's a rough story about the father," she said. While hard to digest, Sofia's words were honest and explained the motive for her actions.

Alex nodded, "They all have their reason. Something." She'd learned that early on in her career and found it applied to most situations in life. Everyone had a reason, be it agreeable or not. It was one of life's foundation blocks and guided every choice made, good or bad.

"So that's how you break them?" Olivia asked. She was playing mindlessly with the discarded wrapper of a straw. "You get them to tell their story?" she picked up her glass and smiled around the rim.

Frowning, Eames twisted the glass in her hands. "Isn't that how you do it?" It was one of the most basic interrogation techniques. You get the suspect to talk; You get the victim to talk. Most cases that were unsolved were due to unwillingness to cooperate. By getting the suspect to open up, you could see where the motive came from and where the passion of the crime came from.

You were able to charge the guilty and help the innocent.

Olivia laughed, "Well," she leaned over in her chair, catching Alex's brown eyes and mimicking how she'd been bent over in the interrogation room. "I don't normally do it leaning over sideways."

This time, Alex laughed, a real laugh, and a red hue colored her cheeks. "Yeah," she nodded and shrugged her shoulders in acceptance. "Uh, I learned that from my partner at Major Case," she couldn't bring herself to look up from her glass as an image of Bobby flashed before her eyes the first time she'd seen him in such a position. He was over six feet tall and yet always managed to twist himself like a pretzel. "It was his way of keeping eye contact," she explained, a pang of longing tightening in her chest.

"It's a little eccentric," Olivia said with a grin.

"You have no idea," Alex chuckled. She twisted her glass where it lay on the table, remembering fondly all the trouble her partner used to get into. Eleven years of working together and having each other's back, bearing witness to all that life had thrown at them… it wasn't something you got over quickly. Sometimes, she still looked over her shoulder, expecting him to be there, walking in time with her steps.

"Okay," Olivia smirked. She watched as sadness colored the Lieutenant's features, her eyes wistful as she stared into the golden hue of her glass. It was a look she recognized, one she'd seen reflected at her in the mirror. It had been two years since Elliot had left, and though the hole in her heart had scabbed over, she still felt the loss of him as profoundly today as she did in Cragen's office the night he told her he was gone.

"All that time together," Alex scratched at her forehead, memories of steak-outs, interrogations, and undercover operations rolling like a silent movie behind her eyes. "It's like we were married." The reality was that she'd spent more time with Robert Goren than her own family. Their partnership had lasted longer than the entire relationship she'd had with her husband, Joe.

"But you weren't," Olivia reminded her unnecessarily. Alex's words had struck her deeply. She'd once acknowledged to Elliot that he was the longest relationship she'd ever had. He'd known her more deeply and intimately than she knew herself, and she didn't think she'd ever be able to open up to anyone else the way she had with him.

Eames threw back what was left in her glass, swallowing it all in one gulp, and signaled for the bartender to bring her another drink. Part of her felt like getting drunk, really drunk, and she wanted to drown out the pain of his memory and drink until she couldn't drink anymore.

She could feel Olivia's brown eyes, warm and understanding, watching her, and she didn't know what to say. She'd heard the rumors about Benson and Stabler and figured she probably didn't need to say anything. If anyone understood the complexity of a partnership, it was Olivia.

"Do you… ever talk to him?" Olivia asked curiously, gently. Her eyes were focused on the amber at the bottom of her glass as she swirled her drink. "Do you ever see him?"

Alex exhaled a breath. The last time she'd seen Bobby had been four months ago, in May. "It's been a couple of months, though. I don't—" she struggled for the words, "I don't think we knew what to say to one another, you know?" She looked up to meet Olivia's gaze. For so long, they'd had these boundaries, these clear lines and rules, a set way of doing things, and now… there was no rule book.

Olivia shook her head no. "I—I haven't heard from Elliot since he left," she confided sadly. "He didn't even tell me he was leaving."

"He didn't say a word?" Alex clarified.

"He didn't even leave a letter," Olivia told her sadly. "It's almost as if the last 12 years meant nothing to him." Deep down, she knew that wasn't true. She knew their partnership meant as much to her as it did to him. She knew he cared about her and that he respected her. She knew he wouldn't have left unless he felt it was his only option, but… sometimes it was hard to hold onto that. "He never returned any of my phone calls or texts. One day, he was here, and the next, he was just… gone."

Alex shook her head in disbelief. Bobby had taken her to dinner and broken the news in person, which had been hard enough. She still was working to pick up the pieces of her life without him. She didn't know if she would have survived him leaving her without a trace.

"I miss him," Alex confessed. "But… I—I don't know where we are supposed to go from here. Things just got too…"

"Complicated?" Olivia finished for her. She remembered having a similar conversation with Elliot many years ago after she'd impulsively transferred to Computer Crimes. "I'm not going to pretend I know anything about you or your partner, but Alex… If I could have kept Elliot in my life… I would have. And maybe… in a parallel universe, things could have been different."

…

That was how Alexandra Eames found herself at Robert Goren's front door, the dark sky blanketed with stars. She shifted anxiously on the balls of her feet and brought her fist up to knock on his door again.

"Yea, yea." she heard Bobby grumble, "I said I was coming." It was a few moments more before the door opened, her ex-partner startling at the sight of her. "Eames?" he stepped toward her instantly, "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

"N- nothing," She shook her head, feeling as if the wind had been knocked out of her. "I just uhh, I—I just closed a case," she stumbled over her words. "I needed… I wanted to see you," she confessed honestly, a weight suddenly lifting from her shoulders.

Goren smiled kindly and stepped aside so that she could enter his home. He locked the door behind her and shuffled awkwardly, stuffing his hands in his pockets as he watched her take everything in. His apartment was mostly the same… but different. The energy was different, and the space was more open, reflecting much of the personal work he'd been doing on himself the last year and a half.

Turning back to face him, Alex smiled kindly, nervously. She dropped her coat onto the couch and studied his position where he stood near the door. He wore a blue button-up and dark-wash blue jeans, looking relaxed and healthy overall. His hair appeared freshly cut, the waves of his curl as prominent as ever. He'd grown his beard again, and she had to admit she liked it.

"You look good," she told him, taking a few steps toward him.

He smiled, his left hand moving to the back of his neck, where he rubbed it self-consciously. "Yea, I uh," he cleared his throat. "I've lost some weight and quit smoking, you know. Trying to be better." And he was. Since leaving the department, he'd had much time to reflect on his life and the direction he was heading.

For the last eighteen months, he'd continued with therapy, seeing Doctor Paula Gyson every week, twice a week. Despite his reluctance to open up to and trust her, it had been more beneficial than he would have ever imagined. She'd helped him to confront a lot of demons, a lot of things he'd long since been too scared to confront. After his mother's death, he'd been on a constant spiral, and every time he looked to regain his footing, another blow would come and knock him down. He was well past his breaking point, something he had admitted to Gyson in the last several months.

"You asked me something once…" he told her one day, elbows on his knees, looking intently at the design in her rug. "You asked me if I ever thought about killing myself."

Dr. Gyson shifted curiously in her chair, her pen ready as she noted the thoughts he shared on her legal pad. "You told me you hadn't," she reminded him. She hadn't known whether to believe him when he said it. Everything she'd heard from his commanding officer and Chief of D's gave her concern for his safety and rational state of mind. It didn't take a trained psychologist to see the stress he was under, and how it was weighing on him.

Little by little, he'd begun to trust her. He took her at her word that things would remain confidential, and she'd kept her promise. She was relieved that he was taking their therapy sessions more seriously and putting into practice the coping skills she'd taught him.

"I lied," he admitted quietly, popping his knuckles painfully. "I did think about it. I… I thought it would be easier to just… I guess I thought everyone would be better off, that the pain would stop, and I wouldn't have to…" he felt his chest tighten with every word that he spoke. He hadn't planned about talking about this today, but then he'd had lunch with Eames, and it had brought all of his self-doubt and insecurities back to the surface.

"You wouldn't have to what?" Gyson pressed.

"I wouldn't have to keep hurting her," he whispered sadly. He looked up to meet her gaze, his eyes red and glossy, tears strolling softly down his cheeks. He'd taken Eames to lunch a couple of hours ago to let her know he was leaving Major Case and to thank her for being a steady partner and an even better friend. He knew it would hurt, he just hadn't expected it to hurt so much, or for her to be so broken by his revelation. "I thought she'd be better off without me, that I wouldn't have to hold her back anymore."

Gyson nodded her head in understanding and passed him the box of tissues. "Your partner?" she questioned. "Eames."

He nodded his head. "I feel like no matter what I did… or what I do, I just keep hurting her." He wiped his eyes aggressively with his hands. "She deserves so much better than me."

"Is that the real reason why you decided to leave the force?"

He exhaled a shaky breath. "Part of the reason," he admitted softly.

"What's the other reason?" she asked gently.

"I think I'm in love with her."

"Well," Eames' voice pulled him from his thoughts, and she took another step closer to him. "Whatever you're doing… it's working," she smiled softly. "So, keep doing it."

He grinned and nodded his head. "Yes, Lieutenant," the pride in his tone was unmistakable as he drank in the sight of her. "So, tell me about this case you just closed," he took a step toward her, tilting his head in a way that was so uniquely his own. "I want to hear about everything you've done since I last saw you."

…

They'd talked endlessly for the last several hours about work and family. She'd told him about her nephew, Nathan, who was ten now and wild as ever. Smart as a whip.

"You'd love him," she laughed.

And he smiled.

She told him about SVU going rogue and how Benson had talked her into doing a door bust, which she admitted was the most fun she'd had in a long time.

"Then we went and had drinks," Eames finished. "Her partner, Stabler, retired from the force about the same time you did, I guess."

"Hmm," he hummed in acknowledgment. He'd heard about that in the days leading up to his own departure. Stabler's name a buzz around 1-PP after the shooting that had gone down in the SVU squad room. He was glad that he left on more cordial terms this time around, Moran having put him through his fair share of hell after the Tate's thing.

"Do you regret it?" Eames asked quietly. They were sitting next to one another on the couch, their beers long abandoned on his coffee table. "Leaving, I mean," she turned her head to look at him. "Do you ever regret leaving?" She reached for his hand, her delicate fingers drawing mindless shapes into his palm.

Bobby tried to fight back his surprise, watching her fingers where they played with his own. Her hand was soft and small, whereas his were large and calloused, his fingers thick and long. He liked the way her hand looked in his. "I used to," he told her quietly, watching as she threaded her fingers with his.

She frowned. "Used to?"

"I—I hated leaving you," he told her honestly, turning so that he could look into her eyes, which were brown and warm and so much like home. "I didn't want to. I wish…things had been different, but... I—I think I needed the break." He didn't think he had ever spoken to her so truthfully before. "I was running on fumes, Eames, and I felt like I was just dragging you down with me."

She sat up, shaking her head in protest. "That's not true," her hand moved to his cheek. The alcohol she'd been consuming all night had stunted any inhibition or reservation she may have had. She lightly caressed her palm through his beard and felt her breath hitch in her throat as she watched him turn into her touch, his lips warm and full, kissing her palm lightly.

"You deserved better than me," he whispered against her palm, kissing it again. "You always have."

Tears sprang to her eyes, and she rested her forehead against his shoulder. Her hand was still on his face, she felt overwhelmed by the level of intimacy they were indulging in. "I miss you, Bobby," she exhaled shakily and lifted her eyes to his once more. "I miss you more than I'd like to admit. It's just… not the same without you."

He pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. "I miss you too, Alex." He adjusted his position on the couch and put his arm around her shoulder, pulling her close to him. His eyes staring into hers, she swore she could get lost in him forever. He raised his hand to gently brush the fringe of her bangs out of her eyes and let his fingers drift to softly caress the skin of her cheek. He ran his thumb over the fullness of her bottom lip before tipping her chin up to meet his mouth. His lips were soft and warm as they ghosted over hers.

Alex felt her eyes flutter closed at the feel of his lips on hers, and she fully gave herself over to the sensation of his kiss. She wasn't naive to think that tonight would magically fix everything, but maybe this could be the start of exploring one of those parallel universes that Benson was talking about.