COMFORT BETWEEN BROTHERS

Jamie stood sideways onto him, unable to meet his eye. His face was one of abject misery; there were tears in his eyes and he was shaking. Ben finished the petty cash and sat back, his arms crossed.

"Well, young man, what have you got to say for yourself?"

"Nothing."

"How about sorry?"

"Oh, I am sorry, Mr Cartwright! Honestly I am."

"Yes, Jamie, I believe you are. But that doesn't change the fact you disobeyed me."

"No, sir."

Ben hesitated. "Jamie, a ranch can be a dangerous place. When I tell you not to do something it's not because I like the sound of my own voice. It's because I actually do know better. When you disobey me you put yourself in danger."

"Yes, sir."

"Do you agree you deserve to be punished?"

"Yes, sir."

"And what do you think that punishment should be?"

"Some of the kids at school get a belt used on them when they do something wrong. Course, that's for kids' stuff. What I did was worse. Much worse."

"Did you crash that cart on purpose?"

"No, sir! Of course not!"

"So what we're talking about is punishment for disobedience."

"Yes, sir."

Ben perched on the desk in front of him. "You know, I only took a strap to Little Joe once. It was one of the worst days of my life, I hated it. I had to force myself to do it. I was frightened he'd hate me – or worse, fear me."

"And did he?"

"No. He was a good kid, just like you are. He knew I loved him, just like I love you."

"You love me?"

"Do you doubt it?"

"I dunno. After this..."

"Jamie, you made a mistake. An expensive mistake but still a mistake. That doesn't mean I don't love you. You're going to be my son, aren't you?"

"You mean you're still going to sign the papers?"

"Of course I am. As far as I'm concerned, you've been a member of this family for a long time. You've been my son for a long time. I love you like a son but I've got to discipline you like a son, do you understand that?"

"Yes, sir." He paused and continued in a small voice. "Does that mean you are going to take a strap to me?"

"I think we agreed you deserved it."

"Yes, sir."

Ben started to unbuckle his belt. "Don't worry. I hurt Little Joe's pride a lot more than his backside."

"Don't you believe it."

They both jumped out of their skin.

"Joseph! I do wish you wouldn't sneak up on people!"

"I wasn't sneaking up, you were just engrossed, that's all."

"How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough to hear my name taken in vain." He tousled Jamie's hair. "Hey there, little brother, you in trouble?"

"I sure am."

"What did you do?"

Jamie hung his head.

"Do you want to tell him or shall I?" There was no answer. "Jamie took the cart down the canyon road when I told him not to. He crashed the cart, got a good horse killed and nearly killed himself in the process."

Joe gave a low whistle. "I think you're in for a tanning, kid."

"That's what we were just talking about. Now, Jamie, do you want it here or in your room?"

"Here."

"I'll go outside," said Joe.

"No, Joe!" Jamie cried, catching hold of his wrist. "Please don't! I want you to stay!"

The young man raised his eyebrows in surprise and looked at Ben over Jamie's head. "OK."

"Bend over the desk, Jamie."

Jamie slowly obeyed, his eyes never leaving Joe's, his fingers digging into his hand like a vice. Joe gave him a reassuring smile and a wink. The belt whipped through the air and landed with a terrific smack. Jamie cried out and tried to rise and Joe winced in synpathy. Ben put his hand on Jamie's back and it was only later the boy realized the gesture was as much to steady and reassure him as to hold him down. There was another blow and another and Jamie's howls could be heard in the courtyard. Joe groaned in pain as his wrist was fit to break. Three more followed and Jamie leapt to his feet and ran up the stairs, dragging an astonished Joe with him.

"Hey, come on, little brother," Joe said gently as Jamie sobbed against his shoulder. He stroked his head which made the boy wail even more. "Come on, it's not that bad!"

"It is, it is!"

They stood thus for a few minutes as Jamie cried himself hoarse. Eventually he began to cough.

"My head hurts!"

"I'm not surprised, the way you've been fretting." Joe gave him a quick, embarrassed kiss on his ginger hair and disentangled himself. "There. Feel better?"

"No. Every time I move it hurts."

"It'll be like that today but it won't last long. Really. But whatever you do, don't forget and sit down."

Joe's tone was so comic that Jamie could not help laughing, despite himself. "Joe, don't go, will you?"

"I'm not going anywhere."

"You won't tell the others, will you?"

"I expect they already know, Jamie."

"I mean about me blubbing. Like a baby."

"Baby, nothing! It hurts. I know that."

"But you won't tell them?"

Joe winked. "You know I won't. Come on, lie down here."

Jamie flattened himself on his stomach and rested his head on the pillow while Joe scrunched up beside him on the single bed and leaned back.

"You've got your dirty boots on my blanket."

"Oh, sorry."

"Your Pa's always telling you about that."

"Not my Pa, our Pa."

"I don't think I'll ever get used to calling him that."

"Well, you'll have to soon. He doesn't take kindly to being called 'Oi, you'."

"Will you feel differently about me after Friday?"

"Nope."

"Not...not see me as your brother?"

"Nope. Because I already do."

"That's what Mr Cartwright said, he already did."

"Pa."

"Pa. Do you think he'd have refused to sign those papers if I hadn't agreed to this punishment today?"

"Is that what you really think?"

"I don't know, that's why I'm asking."

"You're a bigger fool than I took you for. Of course he wouldn't. Anyway even if you hadn't agreed he'd have still done it."

"Do you think so?"

"I know so."

"What did you do?"

"What do you mean?"

"When...Pa...strapped you?"

"Oh, that! Two of Winnemucca's renegades waylaid us when Pa and Hoss were teaching us how to ride fence. They put an arrow in Hoss's arm and I was as mad as hell. Pa forbade me to go after them but I went anyway. I thought I could find 'em where the others couldn't because I knew the boys and I had a rough idea where they might go. My blood was up and I was going to beat them to a pulp and take 'em back to town."

"That sounds exactly like you, Little Joe."

"Yeah, I know, act first, think later. I took one of Pa's rifles. By then I'd learned how to track but I wasn't good enough to find anything. Hop Sing told Pa how I lit out and I got a hiding."

"Were you angry with Hop Sing?"

"No. He had to tell him really."

"Were you angry with Pa?"

"No. I knew I'd mucked up. I was sixteen and he told me it would be the last time he'd ever raise his hand to me. He'd done his best and I was nearly a man now. From now on I'd have to take the consequences for my own actions. He was more upset about it than I was, I think. He seemed to think I'd hate him. Of course I didn't. I just felt such a fool."

"And he never did? Hit you again?"

"Nope. Threatened to once or twice, but no, he never did. He said he couldn't keep tanning me like I was a kid. If I hadn't learned what he'd tried to teach me by then, whipping me wasn't going to help. I think his words hurt more than the whipping anyway."

"But in a different place, eh?"

Joe sniggered. "I suddenly realized I couldn't mess up any more and just expect him to sort it out. It was a hard lesson. Course, I did still mess up – all the time. Pa still bawled me out and there were a couple of times when I thought he was going to forget his promise and skin me alive." He paused. "Any time soon I expect we'll hear chopping wood."

"Chopping wood?"

"He used to chop wood when he punished us. I asked him why and he said he hated doing it so much he had to let off excess energy and cause himself discomfort to get rid of the guilt."

"Wow."

"Don't go hating Pa or anything, Jamie. He doesn't like doing it and he's trying to stop you from getting hurt."

"I don't hate him, Joe. I just wish he hadn't done it quite so hard."

"I know what you mean. I couldn't ride my horse the next day. I was lucky it was at the weekend and I didn't have to go to school. I was all right by Monday."

"He said he loved me," Jamie said quietly.

"He does."

"But how can he? I'm not his son, not really. Just like you're not really my brother."

The boy looked so forlorn Joe put his arms around him and held him tightly. "Jamie...Soon my Pa will be your Pa. That makes you my brother. Besides, how can you deny me a little brother? I've been the youngest for so long I'm sick of it. I want someone I can boss around and thump when I'm in a bad mood."

"I'll thump you back."

"I bet you will."

"But you could never love me as much as Adam or Hoss or Scamp, could you?"

Joe was silent for a few moments. "It's only because I grew up with them, Jamie. I know them better." Jamie's arms had curled round Joe's neck and Joe gently eased him back so he could look into his face. He dabbed his nose. "That doesn't mean I don't love you though. And it doesn't mean I'm not your brother."

"I miss my Pa, Joe." And he looked on the verge of tears again.

"I know you do, buddy."

"I was beaten once before, you know."

"I know. When your father was killed."

"They worked me over with a switch. I was bleeding."

"This should seem like a walk in the park, then."

There was a mechanical pounding from the yard and Joe looked out of the window. "Come and see!"

Jamie slid off the bed, hissing with pain and limped over. Ben was bent over the woodpile, swinging his arm up and down like an automaton.

"What did I tell you? We don't even need any wood."

"Thank you, Little Joe."

"What for?"

"Staying with me. While I cried and whined. I should have been stronger. I bet you were."

"You're kidding," said Joe, staring down at his father. "I didn't let him see it but I cried all right – once I was in my room. I couldn't get up here quick enough."

"Here? In this room?"

"Here."

"You mean this was your room?"

"Once. I shared with Scamp until we were twelve, then Pa said we had to have separate rooms. I'd always been with her, ever since we were born, and we didn't want to be parted. But he said it wasn't proper because we were older and soon I'd be a man and she'd be a woman. So I stayed put and she moved across the landing."

"Sorry to chuck you out."

"Nah, I moved out ages ago. I wanted something bigger. Ma had this room adjoining hers and Pa's. She used it as a sitting room when she wanted to be alone. It's huge."

"I know."

"I said I wanted room to stretch out and put all my stuff, but that wasn't the reason. I wanted to feel closer to Ma. I missed her, I still do even though I hardly remember her. And when Scamp moved out I felt lonely. I didn't like this room any more. So Pa had the adjoining door blocked off between his room and the sitting room and we both had our privacy."

"It was good of him to do that."

"He was a good Pa. Still is."

The ax thumped down with monotonous regularity. Joe held out his hand, motioning Jamie to come down. Jamie did not take it, as he thought that would be too girly, instead he clapped his shoulder and followed close behind him.

Jamie felt ashamed of himself for showing so much vulnerability and emotion to Joe, while Joe was proud of him for the same reason. He also felt a warm bond with the kid. He had been babied by his father and brothers, he was always the youngster, the kid. Now he finally had someone of his own to look after.

"Do you think your Pa - " Joe nudged him and gave him a look, " - our Pa - will ever love me like his own son?"

"I told you. He already does."