REGINA POV
"anyways, i think i might sign up to the onsite coffee shop. i would look so cute in that apron-" gretchen starts, looking up at you, slight panic in her eyes. only slight. you hate that panicked look, like whatever you say is going to wound a small deer in the process. you get it, you do. you terrify her. your best friend. she's scared of you. and for a while you kind of thrived on that fear. it made you feel invincible, like nothing could tear you down. but that was high school, and this is college. you've both grown. hell, you had to break your spine to get there but you got there. or at least, you thought you had. it irritates you now that she still has that look. but you don't comment on it, no. you push it down and you force a smile. you're better than that now.
"yeah. i could see that."
she turns from you, a smile pulling at her lips and the unease settles in your tummy. that wasn't so hard.
as you both walk through the dorms, you notice the differing groups of people already starting to form. the art nerds already decorating their doors, the film buffs arguing about which speilberg is his worst (obnoxiously loud you might add.) the girls who are about to find out the piqued in high school brush past with a simple flick of their hair and size you up. almost like they can tell you were top bitch wherever you come from. you scoff, "losers…" one does catch your eye though, her full cheeks and brown eyes glistening through the one window this depressing hallway seems to have given you. she smiles, her teeth surrounded by soft pink lips. you linger on her for just a second before your attention is pulled away. gretchen is excited.
"this is it! this is ours." she lifts her hand and twists her key, pushing it open and rushing inside. "this is where adulthood starts, this is where we make the best and worst decisions of our lives. this is-"
"depressing," you finish, disgust hanging off of your tongue. the room is brown. that's the first thing you notice, brown and boring. like all the life had been sucked out of it. work needed to be done here, and very very badly. as you both walk inside and dump your bags, you feel the life being pulled from gretchen's enthusiasm.
you're doing better. you can be better.
"we can fix it up.. yeah. my mom, and god knows how little i want her here, would know exactly how to fix this up. don't worry, she'll have this place looking great." you don't think you sound very convincing, but gretchen lightens up just a little at that. she loves your mom, loves her style, that brought comfort. and you're pleased with yourself for making her smile.
you decide that you'll take the smaller room, god knows only a few months ago you'd have made her take the couch. the bigger room for your bed and the smaller for your clothes. so you do this. and you hate that you do. your room is tiny. so small in fact that the bed fits in one corner with both sides touching a wall. dumping your bags, you sigh and flop onto it, hands immediately coming up to cover your face.
you listen to the hustle and bustle outside your door and wonder when that excitement will hit you. because despite everything, nothing about this experience is screaming out to you. you were lucky to go with gretchen, lucky to have that stability. you were lucky it was far enough from home that your mother couldn't visit whenever she liked. you were lucky that your back had healed in time that you started at the same time as everyone else. and yet… and yet it still didn't feel lucky. nothing about your life these days felt lucky. nothing since that bus hit you. and you wouldn't get it twisted, that bus saved your life in a way nobody would have expected. you stopped being a bitch. but it took away a glimmer of something, a confidence that had resided in you since forever. and laying here on this bed and staring at a roof that had stains on it from who knows where, that realisation was sinking in…
it's a couple hours later when gretchen knocks on your door. you'd just finished unpacking and the distain you'd felt for this room had lightened only a little now that it was masked in pink and personal items. you open it for her only to see she had decorated the main living area already. and despite the god-awful brown still screaming at you, this was better. homey..
"jesus gretchen, when the hell did you have the time to do that?"
"well honestly, i drank way too much coffee on the way up here and i think that energy just needed to go somewhere. luckily for us it was that god-awful living space," she pushes past you, proud smile across her features. you'd never taken the time to notice it before but when she was relaxed around you, gretchen had kind of an infectious aura. she sticks out her hand, a flyer in it. "someone pushed this under our door. some sort of mixer happening tonight at one of the frat houses. you wanna go?"
taking the paper from her, you examine it. maybe this was exactly what you needed to get out of this never-ending funk. booze and dancing. and kissing boys. you feel a spark you haven't in a while and a smile touches your lips. "is it too early to start getting ready?"
you feel good about yourself when your done, actually no, you feel hot. and you look hot, you know you do. your hair is in loose curls, your lashes are popped and your outfit is tight to your body. you've always been curvy and this combo is really doing it for you. you smile, properly smile for the first time since you've gotten here and move to apply a small coat of lipgloss to your lips.
gretchen sits beside you straightening her hair to whatever god awful song she's decided to blast in your preparation time, but you're not even in the mood to comment. that's how good you feel. reaching over to grab one of the many bottles of tequila you stole from your dads secret stash, you swig and chuckle. "you should put those glittery beads in your hair like you did in high school. i lied when i said they weren't cute. they're really cute."
she beams to you before opening her chest of drawers and pulling her supplies out, immediately getting to work. "i called karen earlier, seems like she's really enjoying the shake shack. you'd have thought she'd be a natural on a headset?"
you laugh now, picturing it. poor karen was never going to college with them, but at least she was excelling at something without them. you'd call tomorrow, in some last ditch effort to bring some comfort to the inevitable hangover you're going to have.
you keep drinking until gretchen is finished and you both stand, looking yourselves over in the mirror, happy with the end results. she pulls a polaroid camera from beside table and lifts it, squishing herself close to you. "to new beginnings and an awesome first year of college." you both pose. and maybe it's the alcohol that's warming your blood, but you laugh in agreement.
"fuck yeah, first year of college!" you swig.
the party is well on its way when you get there. people are falling over themselves in drunken messes, music is blaring and the smell of sweat and alcohol is poignant. strangely, this familiarity is making it feel easy to fall back into yourself. people turn their heads to look at you as you walk through. you know they are. even without that bitchy facade, you know you carry yourself in a way that makes people want to look. swallowing, you flick your hair and take gretchen's hand, immediately pulling her over to the table where the alcohol lives.
"how drunk are you on a scale from one to ten?"
"hmm six?"
"so not drunk enough. got it. here," you hand her a shot and take one for yourself. you both slam them. "first things first, forget jason ever existed. your with college guys now and the world is your freaking oyster. you're hot shit, everyone stared as you came in."
"everyone was staring at you, regina."
"bitch, we're a package deal. if they're looking at me, they're looking at you. now," you point, "what about him?"
she shakes her head and you muster up everything in you not to make a shitty remark. "ok… him?" another head shake. "him?" and another. "yknow what gretch? let's just slam some more shots, the drunker you get the hotter guys get, yeah?"
she agrees with you this time and together, you down another three. this is usually where you stop her, she's a lightweight at the best of times, but tonight the alcohol is hitting her hard. taking gretchen's hand again, you swim through the crowds to the middle of the floor and start dancing. letting the energy coarse through your body like some much needed therapy. gretchen hangs off of you like some porcelain doll, but you keep her upright. she laughs. you loosen up. you can make this work. you have to make this work.
the party lasts several hours. and you've force feed your friend several glasses of water by then. she's sobered up by now. not entirely, but enough that you can let the reins go just a little. and she's in your line of sight. chatting up some guy who makes jason look like chris evans. you'll let her have her fun, but she's not going home with him. you on the other hand, are standing on your own, drink in hand and still scanning the crowds. you've been approached, of course, but nobody has caught your eye. that is until a flash of strawberry blonde stops you in your tracks.
"no fucking way. no fucking way…"
cady herron is here, cady herron who made it her life's goal to ruin you is here. the cady herron who you recognised now as the person who made you somewhat better. you pause, watching her through the crowds. her hair is down and glittering, her make up is perfect and she's wearing a dress that hugs her in- nope. you stop again, realising she's with janis. great, janice is here too. you continue to stare until you realise anyone who sees you might label you a freak with how hard your eyes are bulging. downing your drink, you shake your head and push through a group of guys to get to gretchen.
"we have to go."
"regina! this is adam," she chuckles, sprawled across his lap, hand in his hair, "isn't he handsome?"
you grimace, no, no he is not handsome, and gretchen is way, way out of his league. "mhm," you lie, reaching for her again.
"wow hey," adam starts, looking you over, you want to throw up, "there's plenty of me to go around."
you pull gretchen again, this time to her feet, and turn to him, "she'd have more fun with shrek than with you. your hairlines already receeding and your flyer's undone." you take gretchen by the hand and out of the room, through the front door and toward the footpath.
"regina.. re- regina, hello? ow! regina!"
"cady herron is here-"
"cady's here? omg yay!" she pauses, looks at your face, "or… no?"
"she's here with janis im'ike! did you know they went here?"
"i mean, i saw on her instagram-"
"gretchen! heads up would've been nice." you let go of her then and sigh, hands running through your hair.
the walk back to your dorm is quiet, with the occasional dry heave from gretchen who grabs your hand every single time. it slows your storm out down to a snails pace and you wonder if the sun will come up just in time for her to see the unreal anguish that lives on your features. you couldn't do this with them here. the reinvention. the clean slate, they knew your history. janis knew too much of your history honestly.. but they both knew history regardless. this was your one chance to be better, and you could feel it in your stomach, janis would not let you try it if she got her way.
walking through the dorm corridor, you sigh, the alcohol in your belly now swirling in a mix of anxiety and self hatred. maybe it wasn't too late to drop out. start somewhere fresh. away from everything north shore, even if that meant gretchen. sticking your hand in your pocket, you pull out your key, trying to balance yourself enough to open the door. a little harder than expected with your friend hanging off of you, but you tried.
that is, until you heard them, laughing and cracking jokes. walking up the corridor and towards you. cady fell against the wall, and janis in a fit of laughter, moved to pick her up. you quickly jingled your key, trying desperately to open the door, but a drunken hazy mind held you back. "come on.. come on…"
finally, you got it, pulling gretchen in behind you and slamming the door shut. they didn't see you, at least you think they didn't, and you sigh. "close call.." you think to yourself, locking the door behind you and glancing through the peep hole to watch them pass. except they don't pass, no, they stand outside your door and laugh. they saw you - they must've .. until you realise, janis puts her hand in her pocket, takes out a key and unlocks the door across from yours.
their dorm is across from yours…
"you have got to be fucking kidding me."