Donna is standing with teary eyes in front of Harvey's office. She doesn't know how to tell him, she had to do it once before and it broke her heart and never wanted to have to do it again. His world is alright right now but in a few minutes nothing will be the same ever again.
Donna slowly enters his office, unsure of what to say or how to start.
She knows exactly what he'll say and how he'll react but it's just a façade because he won't want to admit his feelings to himself.
"Harvey" she calls him with shaky voice while he's taking care of some files. He doesn't have to look up at her to notice from her voice that something's wrong. He slowly lifts his head and to face her only to realize that whatever she's gonna tell him it's worse. He knows that expression, he saw it once before and then she told him the worst thing ever. He slowly gets up and approaches her
"Who's dead?" he asks quietly not sure if he really wants to know.
"How d'you-"
"Because I do. So who is it? Mike? Marcus? Jessi-"
"It's your mother" She blurts out and Harvey gulps hard. For a few seconds he is like paralyzed. He thought about everyone else and was afraid to hear one of those names but he didn't think about her.
"When?" he manages to ask.
"Today morning" Donna tells him with a trembling voice
"why?"
"It was a car accident. The other driver had a heart attack and lost control of his car.
I am soo sorry Harvey" she tells him and closes their distance to take him in der arms but is blocks her out and walks a few steps back to increase their distance again.
"I'm fine"
"Harvey I know your relationship-"
"There was no relationship, Donna. I haven't seen her for years. It's not like I'm gonna miss her in my life" he says coldly. He even believes what he's saying but deep down – if he's honestly to himself – it's one of the worst things that could've happened.
"Harvey" Donna says but isn't really surprised about his behavior. Somehow she hoped he'd show another reaction even though she knew he wouldn't.
"I have work to do, there's a hell of a lot files on my desk as you can see"
"Don't you think you should call Marcus?" He looks at her for a few seconds. It was his first intention to do so but he immediately decided against it.
"No, unlike me he really lost someone he loved. I don't think I'm the right one to tell him anything"
"That's the point, you're wrong. You are the only one on family he has now left and he needs you. You both need each other."
"He has Katie and like I said I am fine."
"First of all it's not the same, Katie is his wife, you are his brother and secondly you are not fine"
"Donna…"
"Call him Harvey" she says and leaves his office while Harvey tries to focus on his files again. For the next days he acts like nothing had happened, at least it's what he thinks he is doing. He doesn't notice how harsh he is with the employers, the partners or his friends. They don't really care right now because they know what happened but they also know that it can't go on like that. It feels like he's just looking to argue with someone to let out steam. He even brought a case against Tanner on the table and promised Mike it'd be just like old times but that's not the case. If he does what he's planning to do only to beat Tanner, he'll destroy a woman's life and that's something Mike can't let him do it because he'll regret it for the rest of his life.
Mike went to Harvey's office a few minutes ago to let him know he met Tanner without him.
"So all he has to do is claim that he's a changed man and you take his side over mine?" he asks his friend hurting.
"I am not on his side, I am just trying to do what's the best for everyone"
"No!" Harvey raises his voice "You are not doing what's best for me but for people who don't give a shit about you. You're picking a man's side who hates me, who wanted to take my license even though he knew I was innocent. That's what you are doing!" he accuses Mike"It's my case, I'm the boss and I won't settle with him"
"Oh now it's your case!" Mike shoots out "You came to me and told me it'd be just like old times. The difference is that this time you're acting like the bad guy, not him and you will regret it if you go through with it; that I can tell you for sure"
"You know what he did and you heard what he said and I'm not gonna sign that offer.
So if you think that he's such a better person than me, then you should go and work for him" he says and takes a seat on the chair focusing on his laptop.
Mike doesn't push him anymore and just leaves trying to find another solution.
"That was harsh" Donna tells him as she enters his office.
"I don't give a shit, he deserved it"
"No, he didn't. He's just trying to help you."
"How exactly? By choosing his side over mine? I never thought he'd do that"
"He is not picking his side. He is trying to protect you because he is right. You will regret it" Donna tells him softly.
"Donna… I'm not in the mood to argue with you too. Please, just leave my office, I'm busy"
"No Harvey, I'm not leaving. You're hurting, your mother just died and I understand but you can't keep treating everyone around you like shit"
"Get the hell out of here!" He raises his voice getting up from the chair.
"Goddamn it Harvey. She was your mother!" Donna shouts back
"She wasn't! And I am the boss here if anyone doesn't like how I lead they're all free to go! And just for the record. You have no idea how I am feeling. The only one who can understand it, is the one I've just kicked out. So please, leave me alone and don't tell me something about you understand, because you don't!"
Donna doesn't say anything anymore. She just turns around and leaves.
The next day
"Mike, you need to talk to him"
"I don't think he'll talk to me at all"
"He will"
"No! we had an argument yesterday evening."
"I know, I heard it"
"He's so obsessed with beating Tanner that he doesn't realize he's destroying a woman's life. If he keeps doing it, he'll regret it."
"I know, but he's hurting and he needs to let out steam and what's most important: he must go to the funeral in two days"
"I know Donna, but he won't go and I don't think we'll be able to convince him within two days. She's gone for 4 days now and he hasn't even mentioned it once.
At least I have an idea to stop him in this case."
"Do whatever you have to do Mike and please try to talk to him, even though you risk arguing with him again. He needs it and he won't approach us on his own."
"I know it Donna but we just argued yesterday. He thinks I'm picking Tanner's side, I don't think he'll talk to me or that he even trusts me right now.
What about you? I think you know him better than anyone else and he trusts you most in the world"
Donna shakes her head "He does, of course he trusts you.
I tried to talk to him after you left yesterday but he yelled at me that I wouldn't get him and that you'd be the only one how could"
"someone who lost both parents"
"and someone who argued with them before they died without having the nance to make up" Donna adds sadly.
Mike nods "I'll try it"
… … …
It's evening and Harvey hasn't been in the office all day. He had a lot of meetings with clients today and insisted to go to them. He knew Donna would try to talk to him and he wasn't in the mood to do so. So he comes back when he knows she has left. He wants to finish some paperwork before going home.
"I'm busy" he tells the second he notices Mike
"We need to talk"
"If you're just here to try and convince me to sign those papers you can leave again. I'm not interested."
"Well, I am but there's a slight difference" Harvey looks up at him curiously.
"I had Tanner removing from the case, so you're not settling with him, you're just doing what's the best for everyone"
"You what?" Harvey asks shocked
"who the hell do you think you are to do that?"
"I can't let you do that. You'll regret it!"
"why the hell should I regret it?!" he shouts at him "She did it! It's her own fault!" he yells.
"Goddamn it Harvey! I know you're going through a lot at the moment and how worse it is for you what happened but this action it's not you!"
"Don't dare and make it about her, it has nothing to do with it."
"It has everything to do with her. You are sad and mad and you're just too stubborn to admit it to yourself!"
"Get out!" he says in a calm but cold voice
"No, that's enough" Mike contradicts
"You loved her, you missed her all those years and now she's gone."
"Get the hell out of here" he says standing in front of him while clenching his fists to control his anger.
"It's eating you up what happened. She's gone and you know there's no chance to make up with her ever again"
"I'm saying it for the last time. Leave. my. office!"
He's hardly able to control his feelings and he's too afraid that he'll bursts out in tears if he keeps shouting. Mike just hit the bull's eyes but he doesn't want to let him know.
"Well, I won't" Mike says and keeps standing in front of him. He's not really sure if it's a good idea what he's doing but if it helps Harvey just a little bit it'll be worth it even if he hits him.
"Then I will" Harvey says and walks towards the exit.
"You'll never have the chance to make up with her and now your're mad at yourself for not forgiving her earlier" Mike provokes him in hopes he finally starts talking.
Harvey stops at the door frame "shut the hell up!" he says clenching his fists tighter.
"What? Did I hit the bull's eye? You'll regret you haven't talked to her for years. You'll regret for acting like she wouldn't even exists, for never asking Marcus how she's doing. And now you wanna go to the funeral but you won't because you think you have no right"
Harvey approaches shim madly while he tries to keep his anger inside him.
"What did you just say to me?" he asks furiously while standing only inches away from him.
"You regret all those things and if you don't go to her funeral you'll regret it for the rest of your life. I know how you're feeling, I know it exactly! You loved her and now she's dead and you'll never be able to tell her." And that's when Harvey can't keep it inside him anymore and hits Mike who falls to the floor.
"You have no idea how I'm feeling!" he shouts madly at him. "No one has any idea" he breaths heavily, still trying to fight back the tears.
"Then tell me!" Harvey breaths heavily while he looks at Mike "Tell me" Mike asks him softly. Harvey hesitates but eventually he speaks up in a hurting voice.
"I can never make up with her" his voice breaks and tears roll down his face. He sits on the floor and lets it all out while Mike sits next to him in silence.
"I loved her and I was too stubborn to tell her"
"She knew that"
"No! No, she didn't and she never will" he sniffs his nose. "I never told her. I haven't even had a real talk with her in about 20 years. Except the one on dad's funeral when I thought we might reconcile. But than he was there and I… never talked to her again."
"You had a point Harvey. You were trying to protect your father. She hurt him and you. Don't blame yourself now. I know how you're feeling."
"Mike, I'm sorry but you have no id-" and then he stops because he doesn't want to say it. Mike knows how it feels like "I'm sorry I- uhm I know you know it" he shakes his head slightly "but it's still different"
"how?" Mike asks softly
"Your parents knew you loved them. Yeah, you were mad at them at this point but they knew it and I know it's worse to lose your parents as a child than as a grown up. I don't wanna compare that. It's just… she'll never know I forgave her and that I was just too stubborn to admit it to myself. She'll never know I loved her and that I missed her all those years."
Mike doesn't say anything but puts his hand on his friends shoulders in comfort
"I'm sorry I hit you" Harvey apologizes looking at him.
"it's alright. I deserved it!"
"No, you were right with everything. It was all about Tanner and beating him. I wanted to let out steam and I thought beating him would help me to do so." He gets up and goes over to his desk. He grabs Tanner's file and signs the offer.
"Here" he hands it over to Mike.
"You sure you don't want to read it first?"
He shakes his head "No, I don't have to. You were right. She doesn't deserve it" Mike nods slightly.
"Do you need anything?"
"No, thank you. You helped me enough" he smiles slightly. "You wanna be alone?" Harvey nods "Thank you for coming over"
When Mike reaches the door he turns again towards Harvey.
"You should go to the funeral, Harvey. It'll help you to make peace with it."
"I can't do that Mike. I haven't talked to her for years. I can't just appear there on her funeral and act like I'm sad when there are people who loved her and whom she loved. People who are really grieving, I have no right to be there." He says sadly "What do you think they'll think?"
"You wouldn't be acting Harvey. And who cares what someone will think? It's important what you think and what you feel. Everything else it doesn't matter. And I'm sure Marcus would be really grateful to have you there, too"
Day of Lily's funeral
b
His friends couldn't convince Harvey to go to the funeral. Even though he'd love to be there, he thinks he has no right to do it. It is eating him up not to be able to say goodbye to her.
"I am sorry, mom" he whispers while lying on his bed. "No one wants to have me there. I'll come another time"
But as he's lying there and thinking about his mother he realizes that it is his last chance to say goodbye and to somehow make peace with it.
"I can never do it again" he says and realizes it Is a mistake, the biggest mistake he has ever made. He immediately grabs his phone to look for a flight but everything is fully booked.
"I'm such an idiot" he curses. The funeral will start in a few hours, there's no chance to get there anymore in time.
"I screwed it up, again!" He says with teary eyes.
… … …
"Harvey?" Donna greets him softly. It's 7am and she was still in bed.
"I'm sorry, I didn't' know where to go"
"It's okay" she tells him and lets him in.
"I'm such an idiot"
"what is it?"
"You were right! You all were right. I should've gone there. I should've gone to say goodbye. I- I never told her I forgave her. She didn't know, she'll never know I loved her and now… I didn't even gone there to say goodbye." He says and looks at her and it breaks her heart to see the sorrow in his eyes.
She walks over to the kitchen island and grabs a paper.
"here" she hands it to him
"what's that?"
"a flight to Boston"
"what?"
"I booked it for you in case you change your mind."
"what? You?…"
Harvey shakes his head, he's overwhelmed by his feelings and doesn't know what to say. So he just closes their distance and takes her in his arms.
"Thank you" he whispers with teary eyes.
"You're welcome" they break the hug.
"You should hurry now." she smiles at him.
"yeah, I'll call a cab"
"Ray is waiting for you behind the house"
"You're the best" he says and places a kiss on her cheek and it makes her knees weak. This is something he hardly ever does but every time he does it, she realizes deep down that he's the one, even though always ignores that feeling and never admits it to herself.
Funeral
"what the hell are you doing here?" Bob snaps as him.
"She was my mother" he says calmly.
"Oh now all of a sudden she's your mother. Where were you until today, huh?"
"That's none of your business" he says and wants to pass him but is stopped by him.
"It is my goodman business. She was my wife and you hurt her. There was nothing in the world she wanted more than to make up with you bastard and you ignored her all those years" Harvey remains calm. 'He is right' he thinks.
"Bob, now is not the time" Marcus interferes.
"He has no right to be here"
"He has every right to be here" Marcus contradicts. "He never cared about her, now he has not to pretend he would it when she's gone."
"That's enough, Bob" Marcus says firmly "
"She deserves a nice funeral and not a fight. She wouldn't want the two of you beating your heads in here. You know as well as I do that she would've been very happy to have Harvey here."
"He doesn't mean it, he's just hurting" Marcus tells his brother softly after Bob leaves.
"he does… and he's right. I have no right to be here"
"I'm really happy you came" Marcus smiles at him and pulls him in a hug.
"Do you really think she would've wanted me to be here?"
"I'm pretty sure she would've been really happy" he reassures him. "She loved you, Harvey"
"Yeah, I know. I- loved her, too. I just realized it too late."
Marcus had reserved a place on the front row for Harvey, just in case he comes. He had talked to Donna and they both hoped he'd change his mind. All his friends and family were trying to convince him that he should go. That he has every right to do it, even though they weren't in touch with each other. And they're all happy he realized in time.
He even gives an eulogy that touches everyone, even Bob. The two men talk and make peace with each other after the funeral is over.
"Are you sure you don't wanna stay a few days?" Marcus asks
"No, I'm sorry Marcus. I can't stay here right now. it's too hurtful." He answers honestly.
"Just for one night? It might help you, both of us being together"
Harvey takes a deep breath and is about do decline when Marcus' children appears. "Uncle Harvey!" they call and jump at him "We missed you" they say happily. Harvey can see that they must've cried a lot, their eyes are pretty red.
"Are you staying here?" the little girl asks him.
"No honey I can't. I have to go back to work"
"Please, just one night?" the boy pleads and they both look at him with puppy eyes.
Harvey looks over at Marcus who's also hoping he'll accept and eventually he nods in agreement.
"Okay alright. I'll stay for a night" he smiles and hugs the two kids who are really happy.
Later on the evening Harvey has to bring them to bed and read to them. None of them was really in the mood to play and laugh but they still enjoyed being with each other and Harvey was very grateful they convinced him to stay, he really needed it.
"They really love you" Marcus tells him, handing him a beer when Harvey comes back.
"I love them, too" he smiles. "But I don't get why you and Katie always complain about bringing them to bed. It was pretty easy" he smiles at his brother who chuckles.
"Don't let Katie hear that" he warns with a smile.
"Thank you Marcus"
"for what?" he asks confused
"for letting me be there, today. You didn't have to after everything that happened between mom and me"
"You don't have to thank me Harvey. I would've had no right to stop you from it. You were her son, she loved you just as much as she loved me even though you don't think that."
"I will never have the chance to reconcile with her"
"I know. But you should know that she was not mad at you. She knew why you're behaving this way and she understood."
"She should've known I forgave her and that I loved her"
"Maybe she did"
"There's no way"
"wait a second" Marcus says and leaves towards the bedroom. A minute later he returns with an envelope on his hand.
"This is for you. she gave it to me a few weeks ago and asked me to give it to you in case she won't be able to do it herself"
Harvey hesitantly lifts his arm and takes the envelope. He looks at it while turning it back and forth again and again. He doesn't feel ready to read it now but he feels like he has to.
"You don't have to read it now" Marcus tells him "Do it when you're back home and when you feel ready for it"
So he places the envelope on the table in front of them and the brothers spent the evening together.
/ / /
Hey there,
I hope you liked that. It's just something I had to think about lately what would've happened if they hadn't made up before she died.
There'll be one more chapter.
I'd love to know what you think.
Have a nice time :)